Episodes

Dec 2

Struggling with your teen’s late nights, groggy mornings, and endless battles over bedtime? You’re not alone—and you’re not imagining it. In this powerful episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, certified Ayurvedic practitioner Nidhi Pandya breaks down why traditional sleep rules fail with teenagers and reveals a compassionate, science-backed approach that finally works. She explains how teen circadian rhythms shift during adolescence, why the 11 PM–2 AM “power hours” matter more than total sleep, and how stress—not screens—is the real culprit behind poor sleep. Nidhi shares practical tools rooted in ancient Ayurvedic wisdom and modern neurobiology, giving parents simple ways to reduce resistance, build connection, and help their teens naturally reset their sleep schedule—without nagging, yelling, or forcing bedtime. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why your teen's late nights are biological—not behavioral—and how to work with their changing circadian rhythm instead of fighting it The real reason screens aren’t the biggest sleep disruptor for teens (and what is sabotaging their rest instead) How to create calming evening rituals that reduce stress, strengthen connection, and help your teen unwind naturally The counterintuitive morning strategy that builds responsibility—and why parents must stop being the household alarm clock 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Whoop – Biometric tracker for sleep, stress, and recovery Resonance Breathing – Nasal breathwork with longer exhales Legs Up the Wall (Viparita Karani) Chamomile tea, magnesium balm, lavender essential oil NYT Crossword – Parent–teen connection activity CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Nidhi Pandya Website: nidhipandya.com Instagram: @my_ayurvedic_life Focus Areas: Ayurvedic wellness, nutrition, lifestyle practices, meditation, breathwork Framework: Inner Climate Framework – Rhythms-based Ayurvedic approach for families CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram : @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook : @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Teen Sleep Challenges 02:53 The Importance of Circadian Rhythms 05:39 Creating Healthy Sleep Environments 08:40 Negotiating Bedtime with Teens 11:28 Tools for Better Sleep 14:18 Building Trust and Cooperation 17:16 Morning Routines and Responsibility 20:03 The Role of Parental Influence 22:55 Practical Tips for Better Sleep 26:00 Creating a Supportive Home Environment ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert insights, and real-world tools to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with communication, motivation, behavior, or confidence, each episode is filled with actionable tips to make parenting easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the skills and confidence to thrive during the teen years. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teensleep #ayurvedaforteens

Nov 25

Is your teen’s bathroom counter starting to look like a Sephora exploded? You’re not imagining it—the teen skincare craze is real , and TikTok is fueling it. But here’s what most parents don’t realize: all those trendy products, harsh ingredients, and 10-step routines can actually damage teen skin. In this must-hear episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Dr. Angela Casey, double board-certified dermatologist, skin cancer surgeon, mom of three, and founder of Bright Girl Skincare, to break down what teens really need (and absolutely don’t need) to keep their skin healthy. Dr. Casey brings the perfect mix of expert science and mom-level realness—giving parents the confidence to guide their teens away from harmful trends and toward lifelong skin health. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why 6–8 step “SkinTok” routines backfire The 3 products teens actually need: cleanse, moisturize, protect How to talk to your teen about toning down the trends (without a power struggle) 🌟 Get 15% off Bright Girl products My teen is obsessed with Bright Girl Skincare — and she finally stopped raiding my bathroom counter. Dr. Casey set up a special discount just for our community so you can grab some for your teen too. They make perfect stocking stuffers. 👉 Discount link: https://brightgirl.com/discount/DRCAM 🌟 Use code: DRCAM RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Bright Girl Skincare (15% OFF): https://brightgirl.com/discount/Drcam American Academy of Dermatology (Sunscreen Safety): www.brightgirl.com Facebook: @brightgirlbeauty/ Instagram: @brightgirlbeauty/ LinkedIn: @/angela-casey-md/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz8_5HypUs0X2thsAzCN1ag TikTok: @brightgirlbeauty CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Why teen skincare is suddenly out of control 04:52 – The real dangers behind TikTok skincare 10:19 – The three-step routine every teen needs 17:44 – How early sun exposure leads to adult skin cancer 26:02 – What to avoid: acids, beads, scrubs, retinols 34:11 – How to talk to your teen about skincare without lecturing 40:08 – Bright Girl Skincare: Why it was created for teens 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. And remember—hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! ABOUT THE SHOW Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam is your go-to guide for raising today’s teens with more connection, confidence, and calm. Every episode brings expert insights and real-world strategies to help families thrive—not just survive—the teen years. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #TeenSkincare #BrightGirlSkincare

Nov 4

If homework has turned into an exhausting nightly standoff, this episode is for you. Dr. Cam and neurodivergent therapist Holly Blanc Moses reveal why ADHD teens aren’t “stubborn” or “unmotivated”—they’re stuck due to executive functioning challenges like task initiation, time blindness, working memory, and overwhelm. You’ll learn how shame and the expectation–capacity gap make starting feel impossible, and you’ll get brain-based, neurodiversity-affirming tools to move from standoff to small wins: time timers, body doubling, task analysis, and collaborative problem-solving. Walk away with practical scripts and strategies that protect your relationship while helping your teen start—and finish—homework with more confidence and less conflict. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why “stubborn” and "lazy" are the wrong story 5 neuroscience-backed strategies that end homework battles The 2-minute trick that finally got my ADHD teen to clean their room How to tell if you’re accidentally hurting your teen’s mental health (even good parents do this) 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If this helped, share it with a friend and leave a rating/review so more parents can find it. Don’t miss an episode—subscribe! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Time Timer Flown (body doubling platform) The 135 School Accommodations for Autistic & ADHD Students (50% off) CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Holly Blanc Moses Website: hollyblancmoses.com/connect Practice (Raleigh, NC): crossvinecounseling.com Facebook: @hollyblancmoses Instagram: @hollyblancmoses LinkedIn: @holly-blanc-moses-378a78104 YouTube: @autismadhdtvwithholly FB Group for Parents: WiredDifferentlyGroup CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Why Homework Feels Impossible: Executive Functioning 101 12:29 The Expectation–Capacity Gap (and how to close it) 24:37 Motivation vs. Task Analysis: Mapping the first step 36:05 From Shame to Support: Language that lowers defenses 37:01 Co-Regulation and Trust: Teaching when your teen is stressed 41:42 Tools That Work: Time timers, body doubling, and collaboration ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #ADHD #executivefunction #homework

Oct 28

Struggling to connect with your teenager? You’re not alone. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, pediatric psychologist Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart shares transformative, brain-based strategies to help parents rebuild connection with defiant, distant, or disconnected teens. Learn why the phrase “I love my teen, but I don’t like them right now” resonates so deeply with parents—and how to move from constant conflict to calm, connected communication. Dr. Lockhart explains the neuroscience behind teen behavior, comparing the adolescent brain to the toddler years to help you understand why your teen’s reactions can seem “illogical and irrational.” Together, Dr. Cam and Dr. Lockhart unpack the emotional toll of disrespect, withdrawal, and conditional love, offering parents science-backed tools to restore trust and strengthen relationships. You’ll walk away with actionable steps to stop the yelling cycle, repair emotional wounds, and reconnect with your teen—without losing your authority or your sanity. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why your teen acts “irrational” (and what brain science reveals about it) How to stop the yelling and nagging cycle—and retrain your teen to listen The difference between conditional and unconditional love in parenting Simple, curiosity-based conversations that rebuild trust and connection How to repair a broken relationship—even when your teen won’t talk 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE 📘 Love the Teen You Have by Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (on Sale Now ) 📗 https://read.macmillan.com/fib/lovetheteenpreorder/ (The Work Book) CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart 🌐 Website: www.anewdaysa.com 📸 Instagram: @doctor.annlouise.lockhart 🎥 YouTube: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell 🌐 Website: AskDrCam.com 📸 Instagram: @DrCamCaswell 🎵 TikTok: @the.teen.translator 🎥 YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam 📘 Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Introduction to Parenting Challenges with Teens 03:03 – Understanding Teen Behavior and Development 05:54 – The Importance of Connection Over Control 08:51 – Navigating Conditional Love and Acceptance 11:41 – The Impact of Parenting Styles on Relationships 14:35 – Repairing Relationships with Teens 17:30 – The Role of Humility in Parenting 20:30 – Breaking the Cycle of Miscommunication 23:16 – The Power of Apology and Accountability 26:08 – Creating a Supportive Environment for Teens 28:59 – Final Thoughts and Key Takeaways ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parentingteens #parentteenconnection

Oct 14

Ever wonder why your teen’s backtalk or eye roll hits you harder than it should? 🧠 In this powerful episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with Shelly Robinson, certified conscious parenting coach and founder of Raising Yourself, to uncover why your child’s behavior often activates your deepest wounds—and how healing your own past can completely transform your relationship. Shelly shares her personal journey from reactive parenting and yelling matches to fostering calm, emotionally intelligent conversations with her now-15-year-old son. You’ll discover the link between your inner teen and your actual teen, learn to identify emotional triggers before they explode, and walk away with tools to break generational cycles of shame, guilt, and control. If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I lose it over something so small?”, this episode will help you find compassion for yourself—and create a more peaceful, connected home. 💛 WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE 🔍 How unresolved childhood wounds fuel conflict with your teen — and why recognizing your “inner teen” is the first step to calmer parenting 💬 The art of repair after conflict, including Shelly’s “No-But Apology Formula” that teaches accountability and emotional maturity 🧘‍♀️ How to recognize physical cues of emotional triggers (like that racing heart or heat surge) before they hijack your reactions 🌱 The self-compassion shift that transforms parent-teen communication, helping you raise emotionally intelligent, confident kids 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Shelly Robinson: About Raising Yourself Book Mentioned: Rewire (on neuroplasticity and changing thought patterns) CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Shelly Robinson Website: About Raising Yourself Instagram: @raisingyourself Facebook: @raisingyourself TikTok: @raisingyourself CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: askdrcam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Parental Triggers 02:45 The Journey to Conscious Parenting 05:46 Inner Child Work and Its Importance 08:43 Recognizing Emotional Triggers 11:31 Navigating Teen Behavior 14:31 The Cycle of Self-Criticism 17:27 Reparenting Yourself 20:10 Empowering Your Voice 23:12 Building Healthy Communication ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #consciousparenting #parentingteens

Oct 7

When parenting teenagers becomes a battleground between parents, everyone suffers—including your teen. Dr. Cam and couples therapist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish tackle the common problem of parental division, where one parent becomes the “tough one” while the other takes on the “soft” role, creating conflict that teens often exploit. This episode reveals why parents frequently end up on opposite sides of the parenting spectrum, especially during the teenage years when stakes feel higher and emotions run deeper. The experts explain how family triangulation occurs—when relationship tension between parents gets redirected toward the teenager, creating dysfunction for everyone involved. Key insights include understanding that both parents typically share the same core values and goals for their children, even when their approaches differ dramatically. The solution isn’t forcing identical parenting styles, but rather establishing shared values while allowing different expressions of those values. Dr. Tracy emphasizes the critical importance of relationship repair—acknowledging mistakes and their impact—as a foundational skill for both marriage and parenting. Parents learn practical strategies for supporting each other even during disagreements, including validation techniques and behind-the-scenes communication that maintain unity. The discussion addresses common challenges like shame spirals, resentment over unequal parenting burdens, and interference from extended family members. Most importantly, parents discover that focusing on their own relationship with their teen—rather than trying to control their partner’s approach—creates more positive outcomes for everyone involved. 💡 WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why teen conflict often divides parents—and how to stop it How family triangulation quietly damages your family dynamic Ways to stay emotionally connected even when parenting styles clash Tools for rebuilding trust and communication with your partner 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Book: You, Your Husband and His Mother by Dr. Tracy Dalgleish Podcast: Dear Dr. Tracy (Top 100 Podcast 🤝 CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Tracy Dalgleish Website: drtracyd.com Instagram: @DrTracyD 👩‍🏫 CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ⏱️ EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Parenting Divides 02:51 The Impact of Parenting Styles on Relationships 05:59 Navigating Conflict and Communication 08:53 The Role of Self-Reflection in Parenting 11:49 Building a Stronger Partnership 14:22 Empathy and Understanding in Parenting 17:16 Addressing Shame and Responsibility 20:25 Aligning Values for Effective Parenting 23:10 Managing Old Patterns in Parenting 25:21 Navigating Disagreements in Parenting 29:20 Strengths and Teamwork in Parenting 30:19 Dealing with External Pressures 33:37 The Importance of Affirmation 37:45 Modeling Self-Reflection and Self-Care 42:02 Empowerment Through Acceptance and Control 🧭 ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #ParentingTeens #CoParenting #FamilyDynamics

Sep 23

Is your teenager melting down after school, snapping at you, or shutting down completely? You’re not alone—and it’s not “bad behavior.” In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with Dr. Jim Costello, creator of the Costello Method, to reveal why teen emotional explosions are actually neurological responses to overload—not disrespect. You’ll discover why “sit still and listen” makes things worse, how parents can become a safe haven instead of a trigger, and five body-based tactics you can use immediately to calm your teen, rebuild connection, and reduce household stress. 🧠 WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why your teen’s after-school meltdown is a sign of nervous system overload—not bad manners How movement and co-regulation unlock calmer communication and emotional safety at home Simple joint-pressure and grounding techniques parents can use to defuse high-stress moments How to spot “neurological soft signs” like fidgeting or posture changes before a blow-up happens 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family. 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Dr. Jim Costello’s Website The Brain Follows by Dr. Jim Costello The Costello Method – focus on developmental plasticity & primitive reflex integration 🤝 CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jim Costello Website: DrJimCostello.com Instagram: @dr.jimcostello 👩‍⚕️ CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: askdrcam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ⏱️ EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction to Teen Emotional Challenges 03:56 The Evolution of Teen Regulation 07:53 Understanding Emotional Dysregulation 13:54 Tools for Co-Regulation 18:39 Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics 24:15 Creating Collaborative Movement Routines 30:31 Reframing Behavior and Understanding Dysregulation 43:13 Key Takeaways for Parents 📌 ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenemotionalregulation #CostelloMethod

Sep 16

If your teen feels distant, defiant, or shuts you out, you’re not alone — and there’s hope. In this powerful episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , foster and adoptive dad Peter Mutabazi shares life-changing strategies for reconnecting with even the most resistant teenagers. A survivor of childhood abuse and homelessness who’s since fostered 47 children, Peter explains why teens are actually “easier” to parent than younger kids and how shifting from an authoritarian approach to a mentorship mindset transforms relationships. You’ll discover practical, trauma-informed parenting tools that help you lower conflict, rebuild trust, and guide your teen without power struggles. Whether you’re overwhelmed by defiance, craving deeper connection, or simply want to better understand your teen, this episode gives you the roadmap to start fresh and help your teen thrive. 📚 WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How a foster dad successfully parents 47 teenagers using mentorship instead of control. Why your teen’s “acting out” isn’t about you — and how understanding hormones, trauma, and development changes your response. Simple daily habits that build trust and confidence in defiant or withdrawn teens. The “three-person approach” to teen behavior that makes even tough parenting moments feel manageable. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 🛠 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE @fosterdadflipps Facebook: Foster Dad Flipper TikTok: Now I Am Known 🧑‍⚕️ CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: askdrcam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ⏱ EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction to Parenting Challenges with Teens 01:20 Peter’s Inspiring Journey from Uganda 06:50 The Impact of Being Seen and Known 09:55 Navigating the Foster Care System 12:09 Building Trust with Foster Teens 13:35 Mentorship vs. Parenting: A New Approach 17:41 Understanding Teen Trauma and Behavior 20:21 The Importance of Not Projecting Past Experiences 23:50 Celebrating Small Wins in Parenting 28:14 Finding Time and Patience in a Busy Household 29:57 Using Social Media to Change Narratives 35:01 Finding Joy in Parenting 38:38 Key Takeaways for Parents 💡 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Start Fresh Daily – Treat each incident as new and avoid bringing up past mistakes. Celebrate Small Wins – Notice and praise even minor positive behaviors to build momentum. Schedule Individual Connection Time – One-on-one outings strengthen trust without distractions. Apply the Three-Person Approach – View your teen as a mix of hormones, trauma, and typical development to respond with empathy. Shift from Parent to Mentor – Guide rather than control, meeting your teen where they are emotionally and developmentally. 📝 ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #traumainformedparenting #teenmentorship

Sep 9

Struggling with your teen’s hygiene habits? You’re not alone. Many parents face daily battles over showers, deodorant, and brushing teeth—leaving everyone frustrated. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I sit down with Carly Broderick, founder of Myles Personal Care, a gender-inclusive hygiene brand created just for teens and tweens. Carly shares how her own experience parenting through puberty inspired her to create practical solutions for families. We dive into the real reasons teens resist basic hygiene—from puberty’s “hurricane effect” to product sensitivities and even rebellion. More importantly, Carly provides science-backed strategies and her simple SSB routine that transforms daily fights into lasting healthy habits. Whether your teen is entering puberty or in the thick of it, this episode will give you compassionate, effective strategies to replace nagging and shaming with empowering routines that help your teen feel confident in their own skin. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why nagging and shaming actually backfire when it comes to teen hygiene The science behind why teens often don’t notice their own body odor Carly’s proven SSB routine that makes hygiene habits stick How to reframe hygiene as confidence and maturity—not just compliance 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Myles Personal Care Amazon Store – Use code DRCAMFAN20 for 20% off CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Carly Broderick Website: hey-miles.com Facebook: @hey.miles.teen Instagram: @heymilesbrand LinkedIn: Carly Broderick TikTok: @heymilesbrand Amazon Store: Myles Personal Care (use code DRCAMFAN20 for 20% off) CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Teen Hygiene Resistance 02:41 Creating Inclusive Personal Care Products 05:34 The Importance of Effective Deodorants 08:36 Navigating the Spectrum of Masculinity and Femininity 11:30 Building Healthy Hygiene Routines 14:18 Addressing Social Pressures and Body Odor Awareness 17:05 Encouraging Ownership of Personal Care 19:51 Simplifying Shower Routines 22:40 Final Thoughts and Practical Tips ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenhygiene #parentingtips

Sep 2

🎙️ Episode #258: How to Talk to Your Teen About Porn Before the Internet Does Guest: Greta Eskridge 🎧 Episode Summary As parents, discovering that your teen has been exposed to pornography can spark fear, anger, or even shame. But here’s the truth: nearly every teen will encounter porn at some point—and how you respond matters far more than whether it happens. In this must-listen episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I’m joined by Greta Eskridge, author of It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn , to break down the right (and wrong) ways to handle these tough moments. Greta shares her personal journey and explains why shaming or punishing kids backfires, pushing them toward secrecy and guilt. Instead, she equips parents with compassionate, practical strategies to build connection and guide teens through the challenges of today’s digital world. If you’ve ever worried about your child’s online safety or felt unsure how to talk about porn without making it worse, this conversation will give you the tools, language, and confidence you need. 💡 What You’ll Learn in This Episode Why shaming your teen about porn often increases secrecy and risky behavior How to use the “Check Your Face” method to stay calm during hard conversations The best questions to spark open dialogue and build trust with your teen How to shift from being your child’s adversary to their trusted ally online 🎧❤️ Enjoying the Show? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 📚 Resources Mentioned in This Episode It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn by Greta Eskridge Adventuring Together by Greta Eskridge 100 Days of Adventure by Greta Eskridge 🔗 Connect with Our Guest: Greta Eskridge Website: @greta.eskridge Podcast: The Greta Eskridge Podcast 👩‍👧‍👦 Connect with Your Host: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell 📖 Episode Chapters 00:00 – Introduction to the episode 02:30 – Why parents fear talking about porn 07:15 – Greta’s personal journey and motivation 14:00 – Why shame backfires with teens 20:45 – Tools for calm and connected conversations 29:00 – How to rebuild trust when it’s been broken 38:15 – Resources and next steps 📌 5 Key Takeaways for Parents of Teens Shaming teens for looking at porn doesn’t prevent the behavior—it pushes it underground. Your body language and tone matter—practice “Check Your Face” to stay calm and connected. Replace lectures with curious questions that open the door to trust. Position yourself as your teen’s teammate in the digital world, not their enemy. Regular, nonjudgmental conversations about online safety prepare teens to make healthier choices. 📺 About the Show The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidently to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parentingteens #teenparenting

Aug 26

PODCAST SHOW NOTES FORMAT Are you stuck in what feels like an emotional Groundhog Day with your teen—where the same arguments, defiance, and standoffs keep repeating? You’re not alone. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I sit down with therapist and bestselling author Kati Morton to uncover why punishment-based parenting fails with teenagers and how to finally break these frustrating cycles. Kati explains that adolescence is about independence-seeking, not rebellion—and when parents try to control teens with consequences, they often fuel the very behaviors they want to stop. Instead, she offers science-backed strategies that shift the focus from control to influence, using curiosity and connection to build lasting respect and trust. From handling risky teen behaviors to creating space for authentic conversations, this episode gives you practical tools and a fresh perspective. If you’re tired of repeating the same exhausting battles, this conversation will help you hit reset and start building a calmer, more connected relationship with your teen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why punishing your teen often makes behavior worse, not better The game-changing shift from control to influence How to stay calm and use “wise mind” during heated conflicts Simple ways to spark honest conversations without forcing it 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Kati Morton’s upcoming book: Why Do I Keep Doing This? (Releases December 9) Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Emotion Mind vs. Wise Mind Skinner Box research on punishment effectiveness Parts work therapy for emotional responses CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kati Morton 🌐 Website 📘 Facebook 📸 Instagram ▶️ YouTube 🎵 TikTok CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Breaking the Emotional Groundhog Day Cycle 03:01 Understanding the Illusion of Control in Parenting 05:56 Navigating Independence and Communication with Teens 08:46 The Importance of Honesty and Vulnerability 11:44 Empathy and Understanding in Parenting Teens 14:50 Addressing Risky Behaviors in Teens 20:11 Understanding Risky Behaviors in Teens 21:27 The Ineffectiveness of Punishment 23:49 Curiosity Over Judgment 25:16 The Importance of Understanding Teen Behavior 27:09 Building Trust and Influence 29:21 The Role of Communication in Parenting 31:38 Repairing Relationships After Mistakes 38:40 The Power of Curiosity in Parenting ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parentingteens #teenbehavior

Aug 19

Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells with your teen—afraid that one wrong word will set off an argument? You’re not alone. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I sit down with Dr. Jenny Hwang, a clinical psychologist and parent coach with more than 20 years of experience helping families navigate emotional chaos and conflict. Dr. Hwang reveals why traditional “boundaries” backfire with teens, the surprising truth about why parents end up feeling walked over, and how to set limits in a way that actually works. Her grounded, no-nonsense approach is a game-changer for parents who are tired of power struggles and ready for peace. If you’re ready to stop the exhausting cycle of battles and create a calmer, more respectful home, this episode is for you. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why most parents misunderstand what boundaries actually are The difference between rules that control vs. boundaries that empower How to handle disrespectful communication without losing your cool Why your teen’s push for independence isn’t rebellion—it’s healthy development 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jenny Hwang Instagram: @ProjectParentCoach YouTube: @ProjectParentCoach CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Understanding Boundaries with Teens 04:27 – Defining Boundaries: What Parents Need to Know 08:01 – Overstepping Boundaries: The Parent-Teen Dynamic 12:17 – Navigating Emotional Triggers and Responses 17:37 – The Importance of Mutual Respect 21:39 – Learning to Say No: Establishing Limits 25:45 – The Challenge of Control in Parenting 30:34 – The Power of Presence and Attention 35:08 – Social Media and Parenting: A New Frontier 38:43 – Key Takeaways: Empowering Parents to Set Boundaries ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenboundaries #parentingteens

Aug 5

If you’ve ever ended the day thinking, “Ugh, I was way too impatient… I didn’t handle that well… I need to do better,” you’re not alone. Parenting teens has a way of making even the most loving parents feel like we’re constantly falling short. But what if you could quiet that inner critic—even just a little—and start noticing what’s actually going right? In this heartfelt episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , counselor and author Erin Morrison—creator of @itsTheConsciousMom and author of Three Minutes for Mom —offers science-backed insight and deeply reassuring advice for parents who feel like they’re failing. We dive into why our brains focus on the negative, how to stop taking our teen’s behavior so personally, and what it really means to be “doing enough.” Erin also shares a simple 3-minute daily mindset practice that can help you reconnect with yourself—and your teen. If you’re constantly hard on yourself, overwhelmed by parenting pressure, or just tired of feeling like you’re not enough… this episode is your reset. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why your teen's boundary-pushing is actually a good thing The secret to feeling like a “good parent” again (in just 3 minutes a day) How to shift your mindset from constant criticism to quiet confidence What you’re getting right —even if it doesn’t feel like it 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Three Minutes for Mom by Erin Morrison (Simon & Schuster) “Catch Them Being Kind” 5-Day Challenge The “Friend Perspective” & “It’s Not Personal, It’s Developmental” reminders CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Erin Morrison Website: https://theconsciousmom.com Instagram: @itsthe.consciousmom CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 The Struggles of Parenting Teens 03:05 Reframing Our Perspective on Parenting 05:42 Recognizing Wins in Parenting 08:46 The Importance of Self-Recognition 11:24 Responding vs. Reacting to Our Teens 14:25 The Impact of Parental Self-Perception 17:28 Building Positive Relationships with Teens 20:25 Practical Steps for Self-Care 23:19 Finding Balance in Parenting 26:36 Grounding in Parental Truth 29:09 Tiny Shifts for Big Changes 32:35 Balancing Business and Pleasure in Parenting 35:40 Understanding Developmental Stages 37:59 Letting Go for Connection 46:20 Ownership and Independence in Parenting ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #consciousparenting #parentingfailnomore

Jul 29

Ever wish you had a pause button—for your teen or yourself? When you’re caught in a meltdown, shutdown, or power struggle, it’s easy to spiral into reactivity and regret. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , Jennie Phillips—coach, fitness pro, mom of four, and author of Yellow Light Moments —introduces a science-backed framework that empowers families to slow down and reset before emotions explode. Jennie shares her 3-step “Yellow Light Moment” method (Yield-Listen-Move), giving parents the language, tools, and mindset shifts needed to manage teen stress, model emotional regulation, and create a calmer home. If your family is running on exhaustion and conflict, this episode will help you pump the brakes—with just a few intentional minutes that can shift everything. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE A 3-step process to prevent teen blowups before they start How to create shared emotional language with your teen (like “caterpillar” or “question quota”) Why your teen’s “laziness” might actually be healthy self-regulation How guilt around self-care is secretly sabotaging your parenting 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Yellow Light Moments Book YLM Toolbox for Teens CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jennie Phillips Website: www.jenniephillipscoaching.com Instagram: @jenniephillipscoaching Facebook: Jennie Phillips Coaching LinkedIn: Jennie Phillips CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 The Need for a Pause 01:09 Introducing Yellow Light Moments 06:38 Understanding the Concept of Yellow Light Moments 12:27 The Importance of Pausing 20:24 Training Ourselves to Yield 25:44 Benefits of Taking a Pause 29:37 Modeling for Our Teens 33:56 Final Thoughts and Action Items ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenmeltdowns #parentburnout

Jul 21

Worried your teen might fall into the wrong hands online? You’re not being overprotective—you’re being smart. In this powerful episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I’m joined by Nate Lewis, founder of The Innocent , a nonprofit on a mission to protect kids from trafficking, exploitation, and abuse right here in the U.S. A former law enforcement officer with 20+ years of global experience in anti-trafficking operations, Nate shares expert-backed, real-world strategies for protecting your teen—without shutting them down or locking everything down. If you’ve ever felt helpless watching your teen scroll through social media or worried about who’s DMing them behind the scenes, this episode gives you clarity and next steps. We dig into the grooming process, why emotionally vulnerable teens are at greater risk, and what subtle online red flags parents often miss. But most importantly, we talk about how to build the kind of connection that keeps your teen safe . Because the best safety tool isn’t an app—it’s trust. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The #1 predictor of whether a predator can gain access to your teen Why controlling devices can backfire—and what to do instead How to talk to your teen about safety without triggering defensiveness The role of male mentors and modeling in reducing vulnerability 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Nate Lewis Website: theinnocent.org Instagram: @theinnocent.usa LinkedIn: Nate Lewis TikTok: @theinnocent.usa CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: askdrcam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding the Risks of Online Predators 02:55 Nate Lewis’s Journey and Motivation 05:48 The Psychology of Grooming and Exploitation 08:45 Building Trust and Communication with Teens 11:31 Navigating Social Media Safely 14:35 Identifying Vulnerabilities in Teens 17:18 Empowering Teens Against Manipulation 20:09 The Role of Parents in Prevention 23:04 Modeling Healthy Relationships 25:55 Addressing the Issue of Consent 28:54 Supporting Teens After Trauma 31:56 Creating a Community Response 34:44 The Importance of Education and Awareness ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #onlinepredators #teensafety

Jul 7

Constantly clashing with your teen? It’s not the conflict—it’s how you handle it. But here’s the good news: conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how you handle it. Harvard Law negotiation expert Bob Bordone reveals how the same conflict resolution strategies used by world leaders can transform your parent-teen relationship. 🎧 In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , you’ll learn how to move from power struggles and emotional blowups to productive conversations that build trust, strengthen your bond, and teach teens lifelong skills. Avoiding conflict might feel easier in the moment—but it actually weakens your connection over time. Bob explains how to use everyday disagreements as opportunities to teach problem-solving, perspective-taking, and emotional resilience. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why avoiding conflict with your teen may hurt more than help The science of “affective labeling” to calm heated arguments How to stop power struggles and spark better problem-solving Why teens who know how to argue are more resilient and confident 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! 👉 Share your favorite episode 👉 Leave a rating and review 👉 SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! Your feedback helps other parents find the support they need—and helps me create even more practical tips for real-life parenting. 🙏💫 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Book: Conflict Resilience by Bob Bordone Research: Matt Lieberman (UCLA) on Affective Labeling Judd Brewer’s “Bigger Better Offer” (BBO) on Motivation Website: bobBordone.com Family Activity: Try reading Conflict Resilience as a family book club to practice conflict resolution skills together! CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Bob Bordone Website: bobbordone.com Instagram: @bobbybordone Facebook: facebook.com/bordone LinkedIn: Robert Bordone X: @bobbordone YouTube: Bob Bordone CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 – The Power of Conflict in Parenting 05:48 – Understanding Conflict Avoidance 11:35 – Reframing Conflict as Collaboration 15:41 – Effective Communication Strategies 20:37 – Navigating Technology and Boundaries 28:03 – Building Trust in Parent-Teen Relationships 35:37 – The Journey of Conflict Resolution ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenconflict #conflictresolution #parentingteens #teennegotiation #teentips #bobbordone #parentingstrategies #podcastforparents

Jul 1

Does your teen seem unmotivated, disconnected from school, or uninterested in college? You're not alone—and it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or doomed. In this powerful episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I’m joined by Hannah Maruyama, founder of Degree Free, who’s helping parents rethink success and explore real-world alternatives to the traditional college path. If you're tired of power struggles, student loan fear, and outdated definitions of “making it,” this conversation will give you practical tools and a fresh perspective to help your teen find their way—without unnecessary debt, pressure, or burnout. Hannah breaks down why the college industrial complex is crumbling, how to spot smarter options, and how to support your teen in creating a future that fits them . WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why pushing college as the only option is backfiring on many teens How to motivate your teen without using grades, guilt, or fear What the job market actually values (hint: it’s not always a degree) 5 alternative paths your teen can take to succeed without student loans 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Degree Free Website 5 Pathways to Great Work (YouTube Episode) CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Hannah Maruyama 🌐 Website: degreefree.com 📸 Instagram: @degreefree 🎥 YouTube: @DegreeFree 🎵 TikTok: @degreefree CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell 🌐 Website: AskDrCam.com 📸 Instagram: @DrCamCaswell 🎵 TikTok: @the.teen.translator 📺 YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam 📘 Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Rethinking Success: The Outdated College Path 01:28 Hannah's Journey: From College to Career Freedom 04:15 The Pressure to Conform: College as the Only Option 10:10 The Financial Burden: Student Loans and Their Impact 21:19 Changing Job Market: The Shift Away from Degrees 36:36 Strategic Career Planning 42:25 Navigating Career Choices 52:13 Alternative Pathways to Success ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #degreefree #parentingteenswithdrcam

Jun 24

Think your teen is using weed because of peer pressure? Think again. In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Dr. Jessica Willoughby and Dr. Stacey Hust from the WSU Media Adolescent Cannabis (MAC) Lab to unpack the real reasons behind rising teen cannabis use—and what parents can actually do about it. Backed by groundbreaking research, this episode explores how savvy marketing, social media influence, and misleading packaging—not just peer dynamics—are shaping teen decisions. If you've ever felt unsure about how to talk to your teen about weed, you're not alone. This episode gives you the insights, tools, and language to have real, meaningful conversations without losing the connection. WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why peer pressure is not the main reason teens are using weed today How marketing, packaging, and perceived norms shape your teen’s choices What THC-labeled gummies and “natural” branding are really doing to teen perception Harm reduction strategies that actually work when prevention isn’t enough 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If this episode gave you clarity, confidence, or just made you feel a little more understood, hit that ⭐️ and leave a review! Your feedback helps more parents find support and lets me keep delivering real-talk episodes that make a difference. 🔔 Make sure to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss an episode. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE WSU MAC Lab SAMHSA National Helpline NIDA—Cannabis CDC—Cannabis and Teens Teens, Sex and Media Effects: Understanding Media's Influence on Adolescent Sexuality, Sexual Health, and Advocacy CONNECT WITH OUR GUESTS Dr. Stacey Hust Email: sjhust@wsu.edu LinkedIn: Stacey Hust BlueSky: staceyhust@bsky.social Dr. Jessica Willoughby Email: jessica.willoughby@wsu.edu LinkedIn: Jessica Fitts Willoughby BlueSky: @jwilloughby.bsky.social CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Teen Cannabis Use 03:06 The Impact of Cannabis on the Adolescent Brain 07:30 Navigating Conversations with Teens 12:15 Harm Reduction Strategies for Parents 19:53 The Role of Marketing in Teen Cannabis Use 25:17 Addressing the Challenges of Edibles 30:29 Ethical Dilemmas in Parenting and Cannabis 32:28 Starting Early: Conversations About Cannabis ABOUT THE SHOW Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam is your go-to podcast for real-world parenting strategies backed by psychology, neuroscience, and a whole lot of empathy. Hosted by adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam Caswell, each episode delivers practical tips and honest conversations that help you better understand your teen—and yourself. Whether you're facing eye rolls or emotional breakdowns, this show is here to help you parent smarter, not harder. #theteentranslator #teenweeduse #parentingteenswithdrcam

Jun 15

In this must-listen episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , adolescent psychologist and parenting coach Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with writer and professor Nancy Reddy, author of The Good Mother Myth , to unpack the crushing weight of unrealistic parenting expectations. Together, they explore how outdated beliefs about “good” parenting are fueling unnecessary guilt and stress—especially for moms of teens. You’ll learn the difference between helpful guilt and harmful shame, how to let go of perfectionism, and how to reframe your role as your teen grows more independent. Nancy also shares the liberating truth about asking for help and why showing vulnerability is one of the best lessons you can teach your teen. This episode is both a sigh of relief and a wake-up call. If you're tired of feeling like you're not doing enough, listen in. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How outdated “good mom” myths create toxic guilt for modern parents. The truth about your role in your teen’s happiness (and why it’s not what you think) Why modeling imperfection and asking for help makes you a better parent Practical tips to release shame, reclaim calm, and parent from your values 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Guilt ≠ Shame: Guilt can spark change, but shame keeps you stuck in self-blame Use a values check when guilt creeps in—what matters to your family , not to others Build a “friend family” of supportive adults to share the emotional and logistical load Ask for help—and watch how it gives your teen permission to do the same Focus on the relationship, not your performance. You’re a parent, not a perfectionist 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE The Good Mother Myth by Nancy Reddy Write More, Be Less Careful Newsletter Work Like a Mother by Laura Bazelon Unfit Parent by Jessica Slice Research by Erica Boothby on “the liking gap” Anthropological research by Margaret Mead CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Nancy Reddy Website: nancyreddy.com Instagram: @nancy.o.reddy Newsletter: Write More, Be Less Careful CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 The Pressure of Perfection in Motherhood 03:12 Navigating the Transition to Parenting Teens 06:05 Understanding and Overcoming Mom Guilt 09:01 The Myth of the Perfect Mother 12:03 Distinguishing Guilt from Accountability 14:48 Letting Go of Guilt and Embracing Trust 18:11 The Role of Community and Co-Parenting 21:22 Navigating New Motherhood and Guilt 24:38 The Role of Community in Parenting 26:10 Understanding Guilt in Parenting 30:09 The Importance of Asking for Help 33:11 Modeling Vulnerability for Our Children 38:34 Defining Values to Combat Guilt ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #momguilt #parentingteens #mentalhealthformoms #parentinghelp

Jun 3

Are you stuck in constant battles with your teen—no matter how many consequences you hand out? You're not alone. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I sit down with renowned psychologist and TEDx speaker Dr. Paul Sunseri, author of Gentle Parenting Reimagined . With over 40 years of experience, Dr. Sunseri offers parents a powerful shift: how to stay calm, set firm boundaries, and transform behavior—without yelling or giving in. If you’ve got a strong-willed or defiant teen, this episode will be a game-changer. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE What to do when consequences no longer work with your teen How to set effective boundaries without yelling or power struggles The difference between gentle parenting and permissiveness How to tie privileges (like screen time) to responsibility 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Shift from “Fixing the Kid” to Changing the Dynamic: Teen defiance is often about the relationship, not just behavior. Focus on how you respond. Speak Calmly and Clearly: Avoid emotional reactions. Use matter-of-fact requests to maintain authority without fueling conflict. Use Privileges Strategically: Tie screen time and other privileges to daily responsibilities—then follow through consistently. Expect Resistance, But Stay the Course: Change won’t happen overnight. Stay patient and consistent even when it’s tough. Believe in Their Ability to Grow: Set high (yet compassionate) expectations. Let them fail and learn—it’s how resilience is built. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! 🙏💫 🔔 SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Gentle Parenting When to Lean Out Instead of Leaning In – Psychology Today Consequences Don’t Work With My Kid – Psychology Today Gentle Parenting Deserves Another Chance – Today’s Parent CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Paul Sunseri Website: myIFFT.org Instagram: @dr_paul_challengingkids YouTube: Dr. Paul Sunseri CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Defiance in Teens 05:13 The Bi-Directional Influence of Behavior 10:05 Common Mistakes Parents Make 18:10 Navigating Emotional Regulation 28:03 Strategies for Managing Household Responsibilities 30:36 The Autonomy Dilemma in Parenting 32:26 Effective Communication Strategies with Teens 34:20 Flexibility and Boundaries in Parenting 36:12 Motivation and Homework Challenges 39:00 Understanding Teen Resistance to Homework 42:31 Balancing Privileges and Responsibilities 45:41 Negotiating Homework and Screen Time 48:56 Navigating Homework Expectations 51:17 Establishing Behavioral Habits 54:36 Setting Realistic Parenting Goals 57:38 The Importance of Limits and Expectations 01:01:29 Building Resilience Through Challenges 01:05:33 Parenting Across Generations ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #parentingdefiantteens

May 27

When your teen falls in love for the first time—or goes through their first heartbreak—it can be emotional for everyone . You want to protect them, guide them, and maybe even stop them from getting hurt. But if you're not careful, your good intentions can push them away. In this episode, I’m joined by journalist, professor, and fellow mom Lisa A. Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak . Lisa shares powerful insight from her personal and professional journey helping teens—and parents—navigate the emotional rollercoaster of young love. If you’re wondering how to talk to your teen about dating, heartbreak, or those “red flag” relationships without causing shutdown or secrecy, this conversation is a must-listen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why teens hide their relationships—and how to keep the conversation open How to support your teen through their first heartbreak without minimizing their pain What to say when you’re worried about who your teen is dating How sharing your relationship experiences can actually help your teen make better choices 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Validation builds trust: When your teen opens up about a relationship, resist the urge to fix it. Just listen first. Judgment shuts teens down: Even one negative comment can drive their dating life underground. Ask, don’t assume: “Dating” might just mean texting or walking to class together—so ask what it means to them. Help them reflect, not rebel: Instead of telling them who not to date, ask how that person makes them feel . Model real-life lessons: You don’t have to be perfect—just honest. Your own dating history can be a powerful teaching tool. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak by Lisa A. Phillips 🛒 Use Discount Code: RLFANDF30 for 30% off 🔗 Buy the book here CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Lisa A. Phillips Website: lisaamyphillips.com Instagram: @lisaamyphillips18 Facebook: lisa.a.phillips.73 LinkedIn: lisa-a-phillips-978a78124 CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam TikTok: @the.teen.translator Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating Teen Relationships: A New Era 02:57 Understanding Parental Fears in Teen Dating 06:03 The Importance of Validating Teen Emotions 09:09 Setting Boundaries: When Teens Want to Date 11:55 Over-Enmeshment: Balancing Relationships and Independence 14:50 Building Self-Worth Beyond Romantic Attention 17:56 Handling Unfavorable Partners: A Delicate Approach 24:22 Navigating Difficult Conversations with Teens 27:33 Understanding Teen Relationships and Parental Influence 30:19 Conflict Resolution in Teen Relationships 33:19 Coping with Breakups: Supporting Teens in Pain 36:59 The Importance of Reflection and Growth 40:19 First Loves: Shaping Future Relationships ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #parentingteens #teenrelationships

May 20

If setting boundaries with your teen feels like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall—you’re not alone. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I sit down with Matilda Gosling, social scientist and author of Teenagers: The Evidence Base , to break down the science behind boundary-setting that actually works. No more power struggles. No more guessing games. Just real, research-backed strategies to help you protect your teen and prepare them for the real world. Matilda brings both the data and the empathy, helping parents understand where to draw the line, when to back off, and how to keep the relationship strong while doing it. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Am I being too strict? Too lenient?”—this episode is your answer. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why boundaries help teens feel safe, not smothered How to focus on the rules that really matter (and ditch the ones that don’t) The difference between control and influence—and why one actually works How to set your own boundaries without feeling guilty or selfish 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Prioritize the big stuff: Health, safety, and emotional well-being come first. Let go of the small battles. Your boundaries matter too: You’re allowed to have limits—and your teen needs to see them. Respect their privacy: Snooping leads to secrets. Trust builds openness. Explain, don’t dictate: When teens understand the why , they’re more likely to follow through. Mistakes are part of the process: Boundaries aren’t about perfection—they’re about growth. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Matilda Gosling's Substack (Sign up to get a free PDF Q&A on teen mental health!) Book: Teenagers: The Evidence Base by Matilda Gosling Book: The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Matilda Gosling Website: matildagosling.substack.com Instagram: @matilda.gosling LinkedIn: Matilda Gosling X/Twitter: @matildagosling CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Teen Boundaries 02:59 The Importance of Independence 05:48 Defining Boundaries vs. Rules 09:04 Negotiating Boundaries with Teens 12:02 Common Mistakes Parents Make 15:02 The Role of Safetyism 18:08 Respecting Teen Privacy 20:56 Identifying Important Boundaries 23:46 Setting Parental Boundaries 27:06 The Importance of Modeling Behavior 29:57 Navigating Emotional Responses 32:49 Final Thoughts on Boundaries ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenboundaries #parentingteens

May 13

In this powerful and heartfelt episode, Dr. Cam sits down with three courageous moms—Heather, Lara, and Maria—who open up about the emotional rollercoaster of raising teens through tough issues like self-harm, emotional regulation struggles, vaping, and academic burnout. These women, all members of Dr. Cam’s Inner Circle, share what it was like before they found support, and how everything changed when they stopped trying to control their teens and started learning how to truly connect. If you’re feeling frustrated, scared, or unsure how to help your teen without pushing them away, this episode offers real hope and practical guidance from parents who’ve been there. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to reconnect with your teen when communication has broken down Why letting go of control can strengthen your relationship with your teenager The impact of emotional regulation challenges on teen behavior—and how to respond What a supportive parenting community can do for your confidence and peace of mind 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Letting go of control builds trust and makes space for connection with your teen Choosing one parenting value helps guide consistent, intentional responses Allowing natural consequences helps teens learn from experience without constant lecturing Empathetic listening without jumping in to fix builds emotional safety Having a parenting support group offers relief, encouragement, and real-life strategies 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Dr. Cam's Inner Circle - A weekly support group for parents of teenagers where they can share challenges, learn strategies, and receive guidance from Dr. Cam and other parents. Join us at: https://www.askdrcam.com/innercircle CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcam #parentingteensupport #reconnectwithyourteen

May 6

Worried about the impact your teen’s friends are having on them? You’re not alone—and it’s not as simple as “good” or “bad” peer pressure. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , I sit down with peer influence expert Dr. Brett Laursen to unpack how friendships actually shape teen behavior (often for the better!) and how parents can stay influential without being controlling. Dr. Laursen, who has decades of research tracking teen friendships across multiple countries, shares surprising insights that can help you guide your teen through the tricky world of social dynamics, middle school transitions, and online influence. If you’ve ever wondered, "Am I losing my teen to their friends?" — this conversation is a must-listen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why peer pressure isn't always a bad thing and can actually drive positive behavior in teens How to stay relevant as a parent even when friends seem to have more influence What to do (and NOT do) if you're worried about your teen's friends How online and real-world friendships impact vulnerable teens differently 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Friendship first, influence second: Teens choose friends who are similar to them, not the other way around. Middle school changes everything: The shift from adult-centered to peer-centered social life demands a new parenting approach. Stay connected, don't compete: Your teen needs a supportive parent, not a rival for attention. Opportunities, not ultimatums: Help your teen find better friendships by fostering their interests, not forcing social changes. Humanize yourself: Teens respect advice more when they see you as a real person, not just an authority figure. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Brett Laursen Website: https://www.fau.edu/science/psychology/laursen-lab/ Email: laursen@fau.edu CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Peer Pressure in Teens 03:01 The Dual Nature of Peer Influence 05:46 Navigating Friendships: The Parent's Dilemma 08:53 The Shift to Peer-Driven Social Structures 12:12 The Importance of Positive Relationships 15:10 Managing Friendships: When to Intervene 18:12 Supporting Kids Who Struggle to Make Friends 21:08 The Role of Online Influences 23:54 Building Trust and Communication with Teens 27:01 Humanizing Parental Relationships 29:55 Final Thoughts on Peer Influence and Parenting ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #teenpeerpressure #parentingteenfriendships

Apr 29

When you lose a child, everything changes. In this powerful episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , we meet Kristen Schindler, a courageous mother who shares her journey through the devastating loss of her 21-year-old son, Gavin, to suicide. Kristin opens up about navigating grief while parenting her other children, how undiagnosed physical and mental health issues played a hidden role, and the steps she’s taken to find healing, hope, and purpose. If you're a parent terrified of missing warning signs or struggling to support a grieving family, Kristen’s story reminds us that love alone can't shield our kids from life's hardest battles—and that healing, while messy, is possible. This conversation offers real tools, deep compassion, and hope for anyone touched by loss. Kristen Schindler is a passionate advocate for suicide awareness, a mother of faith, and a living example of resilience. Through her story, she helps other parents navigate the unimaginable with grace, honesty, and strength. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why even the most attentive parents can’t always predict or prevent teen suicide How hidden physical health issues (like undiagnosed heart problems) can impact mental health Why “grief masking” hurts more than it helps—and how to truly process loss How to create new family traditions that honor lost loved ones and foster healing 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS You can be a great parent and still face unimaginable loss: Kristen’s story removes shame and blame from grief. Physical health affects mental health: Undiagnosed conditions can silently worsen depression and anxiety. Grief isn't linear or tidy: Healing doesn't follow a timeline—and that's normal. "Grief masking" backfires: Hiding your pain for others' comfort only deepens long-term wounds. Honoring loved ones through new traditions brings hope: Small acts of kindness can keep memories alive and help families heal together. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free Space for Grace Workbook Gavin’s Celebration of Life Tribute Watch on YouTube CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kristen Schindler Website: www.kristenleeschindler.com Facebook: @kristen.schindler.3 Instagram: @all.the.things.kls LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristen-schindler-2a8b755/ YouTube: @kristenschindler9786e CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Navigating Grief: A Personal Journey 03:02 The Impact of Loss on Family Dynamics 06:04 Understanding Mental Health Challenges 08:58 The Role of Faith in Healing 11:59 The Complexity of Grief and Healing 15:00 Lessons Learned from Loss 18:14 The Importance of Open Communication 21:04 Finding Joy Amidst Grief 23:59 Empowering Parents in the Face of Loss 32:06 Navigating Grief and Loss 34:55 The Impact of Addiction on Families 37:04 Finding Purpose in Pain 39:54 The Importance of Community and Support 43:14 Transforming Grief into Empathy 48:00 Honoring Loved Ones Through Kindness 52:39 Lessons for Parents in Grief ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #grievingaparent #suicidelossawareness

Apr 15

Ever feel like your kids are growing up in totally different households—even though they share the same last name and dinner table? Your oldest follows all the rules, your middle child avoids conflict like it’s their full-time job, and your youngest? Total chaos with a side of charm. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Dr. Kelly Jameson, a therapist, speaker, and expert on birth order psychology and sibling dynamics, to decode what’s really going on behind your kids’ clashing personalities—and what to do when fairness feels impossible. If you’ve ever second-guessed how you parent each child (spoiler: you're not imagining it), this episode is packed with eye-opening truths and practical solutions. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How birth order shapes your teen’s personality and behavior Why sibling rivalry is normal—and how to handle it without picking sides What “fair” parenting really looks like (and why it’s not the same for every child) How to parent your firstborn, middle, and youngest without losing your mind 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Birth order isn’t just theory—it deeply influences how each child behaves, connects, and competes Sibling rivalry often stems from a fight for limited parental attention—not bad behavior Fairness in parenting means meeting each child where they are developmentally, not treating them identically Older siblings shouldn’t be forced to parent younger ones—it breeds resentment, not responsibility Creating rituals, one-on-one time, and shared experiences helps reduce tension and build sibling bonds 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Dr. Kelly Jameson’s Website CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelly Jameson Website: drkellyjameson.com Instagram: @drkellyjameson CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Birth Order Dynamics 06:11 Sibling Rivalry and Parental Attention 08:47 Navigating Fairness in Parenting 12:38 Intervening in Sibling Conflicts 18:05 Supporting Siblings Through Challenges 20:39 The Dynamics of Sibling Relationships 24:49 Navigating Sibling Rivalry and Conflict 29:36 Understanding Birth Order and Its Impact 32:35 Tailoring Parenting Strategies by Birth Order 39:45 Key Takeaways for Parents ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #birthorderpsychology #siblingrivalrytips

Apr 8

Tired of fighting over screen time with your teen? Then this episode is for you. Dr. Cam sits down with digital wellness expert Nicole Rawson, founder of Screen Time Clinic, to tackle one of today’s biggest parenting challenges: teen screen addiction. Nicole shares why traditional limits don’t work anymore, how to spot warning signs early, and what a real digital detox looks like (hint: it’s not just unplugging the Wi-Fi). If you're ready to take back control, reconnect with your teen, and restore peace in your home, don’t miss this conversation. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How excessive screen time rewires your teen’s brain and behavior Why some teens are more sensitive to screen addiction than others What actually works when a teen is addicted to their phone or gaming How to do a digital detox with your teen instead of against them 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Complete digital detox is more effective than moderation for addicted teens Structure and planning are essential for a successful screen break Withdrawal is a red flag—not just “normal teen stuff” Parents must model healthy digital habits to help their teens reset Replacing screen time with meaningful, engaging activities is key to long-term success 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Reset Your Child’s Brain by Dr. Victoria Dunckley ScreenTimeClinic.com Free Digital Detox Newsletter & Guide CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Nicole Rawson Website: ScreenTimeClinic.com Instagram: @screentimeclinic CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Screen Time Concerns 03:04 The Impact of Screen Time on Teens 05:53 Identifying Sensitivity to Digital Media 08:54 Implementing Digital Detox Strategies 12:00 Navigating Resistance from Teens 15:02 Recognizing Signs of Addiction 18:12 Healthy Coping Mechanisms for Teens 26:54 The Impact of Screen Time on Family Dynamics 31:10 Understanding Teen Addiction to Screens 36:49 Building Healthy Structures for Teens 41:54 The Role of Parents in Digital Detox ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #screentime #digitaldetox #parentingteens #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 1

In this compelling episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, host Dr. Cam interviews Cam Adair, the founder of Game Quitters and a renowned expert in gaming addiction recovery. Drawing from his own experience as a teen who once played video games for 16 hours a day, Cam shares invaluable insights that every parent needs to hear. This episode tackles the pressing concerns parents have about their teens' gaming habits and provides practical, actionable strategies to help foster a healthy relationship with gaming. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Understanding the spectrum of gaming addiction and how it affects teens. Effective communication strategies to engage your teen about gaming. Practical tips for fostering a balanced relationship with gaming. The importance of family values in guiding discussions around gaming behavior. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Recognize Gaming Disorder: Understand the criteria defined by the World Health Organization to identify gaming addiction. Focus on Overall Functioning: Assess your teen's engagement in school, friendships, and family activities beyond just gaming hours. Create Safe Communication Spaces: Have important conversations outside the home or away from gaming devices to ensure openness. Educate Yourself on Games: Learn about the games your teen plays to set realistic expectations and boundaries. Facilitate Smooth Transitions: Allow your teen time to decompress after gaming before switching to other activities. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Game Quitters : A comprehensive resource for parents and teens dealing with gaming issues Cam Adair's TEDx Talk CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Cam Adair Instagram: @GameQuitters Facebook: Game Quitters LinkedIn: Cam Adair X: @GameQuitters YouTube: Game Quitters CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Gaming Addiction 03:01 The Spectrum of Gaming Behavior 06:00 Identifying Healthy vs. Problematic Gaming 08:58 Finding Balance in Gaming 11:59 Effective Communication with Teens 15:05 Navigating Power Struggles 18:08 Building Family Values Around Gaming 21:09 Collaborative Solutions for Gaming Limits 24:09 Setting Up for Healthy Gaming Habits 26:45 Transitioning from Gaming to Other Activities 30:00 Handling Meltdowns Over Gaming Limits 33:03 Encouraging Exploration Beyond Gaming 36:00 Modeling Healthy Tech Use 38:51 Resources for Parents and Final Thoughts ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #GamingAddiction #TeenParenting

Mar 25

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , college admissions coach Dyllen Nellis reveals the secret to crafting standout college applications—authentic storytelling. Forget obsessing over GPAs—top schools want students who can articulate their core values, intellectual curiosity, and unique experiences. Dyllen shares expert strategies to help your teen write compelling essays, develop passion projects, and stand out in a competitive admissions landscape—without parental hovering. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why authenticity matters more than perfect essays How to help your teen find their unique story The role of passion projects in top college applications The right way to support your teen—without taking over 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Story Over Stats – Grades alone won’t get your teen into top schools. Their story and values matter more. Authenticity Wins – Admissions officers can spot fake or forced narratives. Encourage honesty. Passion Projects Stand Out – Schools want students who create real impact through their interests. Curiosity is Key – Support your teen’s genuine interests instead of pushing “impressive” activities. Guide, Don’t Hover – Give your teen space to explore, make mistakes, and develop their own voice. ❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share this episode and leave a rating & review. Your support helps other parents find expert advice to help their teens thrive. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free Masterclass: The Top School Admissions Formula Dyllen’s Website: NextGen Admit CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dyllen Nellis Instagram: @nextgenadmit YouTube: Dyllen Nellis TikTok: @nextgenadmit LinkedIn: Dyllen Nellis CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.942) Hey parents, Dr. Cam here. College admissions are no joke, trust me. I'm right in the thick of it with my own teen and it is stressful. And if you're like most parents, you're probably think that the GPA and your test scores are the golden ticket to getting into the top school. But what if I told you they're not the most important things? In this episode, I'm joined by Dyllen Nellis, a college admissions coach and founder of NextGen Admin who helps students craft applications that make them stand out beyond just grades. After getting accepted to every single school she applied to, including Stanford, yes, parents, she now helps students around the world to do the same. So we're gonna talk about the number one thing that gives your teens a competitive edge. You wanna hear it? Keep listening, welcome Dylan. Dyllen Nellis (00:52.595) Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:54.698) This is such a hot topic, especially now. I know right now my daughter's waiting back to hear back from school. She's hearing from schools and a lot of juniors are in that like frantic mode of, my gosh, grades, grades, grades, grades, grades, building my resume. Why are you telling us that's not the most important thing? Dyllen Nellis (01:16.501) Well, I think people are so focused on grades, especially parents, you know, when putting a lot of pressure on their kids to do well in school. That's a very normal thing. And it is important, yes, to have good grades, but they are not the thing that's going to help you stand out at a top school, especially, you know, I know a lot of people are really excited about hopefully getting into a really competitive school. That's what I help people do. And what they have to understand is that the people applying to those schools will have those top grades and top test scores. Maybe not perfect, so you don't have to be ultra perfect in terms of grades and scores. the thing is, it's not going to be like, what's the difference between you and some other kid who has the same exact score? So the stats don't show the admissions officers who you are as a person or what you're going to contribute to their university. And that's what they want to know. So what I teach students is that their superpower is their story and it's their unique core values and how they can effectively articulate them in standout, powerful college essays. Dr. Cam (02:40.396) Right? So now parents are going, okay, so how do I craft a great story for my teen? How do I make sure my teen has a great story? What do you say to that? Dyllen Nellis (02:51.143) The first thing they need to do is understand who they are. A lot of students will think, okay, what do I write my college essay about? Let me just pick the worst thing that's ever happened to me and write about that. Or the parents will force something onto them and be like, well, you did that one leadership thing that one time, right? So shouldn't you write about that? I guess. And then a lot of times there's this, like, this force in a way that you try to contrive a narrative that doesn't quite express who they really are. And so that's why I say don't don't just start writing the essay, you have to do all of this work that comes beforehand. And so that work is first really sitting down and reflecting, reflecting on who you are, what makes you unique why do you do the things that you do? I think that's the most important part. Like I will get on a call with a student and they'll tell me they're interested in a certain major. And I'm like, okay, that's awesome. Why? Why are you interested in that? And they freeze and they have no idea what to tell me. And then sometimes they'll answer with like experiences that they had or clubs that they were in or things that they did. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'm not asking you what you did. I'm asking you like something much deeper, like what is it about this thing that makes you so excited, that makes you intellectually curious? So those are the questions we have to start asking. And that takes a lot of reflection that I think students at that age are not used to. They're not thinking about what are my values as a person? What's my identity? Dr. Cam (04:42.606) They're trying to figure it out, they don't know yet. Dyllen Nellis (04:45.873) Exactly. And especially like, it's really cool once they start to understand this, because when they see the patterns of like, all of my experiences in my life actually line up in a way that made me the way I am today. And that's super cool. And I help them identify those patterns and what the values are that like connect all of their experiences together. And then those values become the themes or their college essay. So that's something that I don't think is talked about enough, or like rarely at all, is that college essay should have a theme. Like every single essay needs to have a different theme and that theme is whatever the core value is or whatever the main lesson or you know, how their mindset shifted, how they grew. That is what the essay needs to focus on. So not entirely about a certain challenge that they went through or a certain experience. It's more about what they learned from it because those values and skills that they gained are the things that they are going to contribute to the university. So then the university is like, oh, that's how you're going to make me look good. Dr. Cam (05:58.85) Right? I want to work backwards from this. So what you're saying is the essay and even the interviews, like my daughter has a lot of interviews, which I think is a similar thing, where they're asking her who she is, what she's passionate about, why she wants to go to that school. And the challenge that I'm seeing with a lot of the kids I work with is they don't know because a lot of them are going where they're supposed to be going and doing what they're doing because that's what they're told they should be doing. And that's what they, so they don't have an inner passion value, everything else. It's like the bottom line is cause my parents told me, right? So do you hear this? Do you see that answer? Dyllen Nellis (06:31.146) Yes, and that's honestly the hardest part, like especially if they're a senior in high school, that's when things get really hard because we're trying to like pull from nothing, or not nothing, but like there's not much there. And of course, when I work with a student, I can only work with what is actually inherently there because I care a lot about telling authentic stories. So I think this is a really good point to mention, especially for parents of students who are younger, you know, like younger in high school, freshmen, sophomore year, it's important that they're doing things that they actually care about and that lights them up. Because yeah, as we see later down the line, if they don't have that like inner motivation or passion, then it's really hard to craft stories. I actually have an anecdote of this quite recently I worked with a student, she booked a call with me and she presented me her essay and I was like, okay, cool. Let's look at it. But I could tell something was off about the essay. was about like a leadership experience. But for some reason, the story wasn't quite, it didn't seem real to me in a lot of ways. And it didn't seem like we didn't get to those deeper core values as I've been mentioning. So I started asking her about it and suddenly she starts breaking down and crying in front of me and she's like, you know, I don't know like this wasn't a good experience at all for me. Actually, I didn't learn much and my parents just told me that I should write about this and I don't know what I should do. And I was just like, my gosh, it made me so sad. Honestly, I will say I don't think that students in that case are like a lost cause. We can revitalize it, we can fix it. And that's why it takes someone who can help them realize the amazing qualities that they do have, the amazing experiences that they have gone through. Because I don't think, you know, it's exclusive to people who've been high giving their whole life. Like, everybody has a story to tell, it just takes someone to help them realize that instead of forcing a narrative onto Dr. Cam (08:58.658) We have this belief that we want to force a narrative that makes them sound really good and really high achieving and everything else. And I'm hearing parents already going, okay, so you're telling me my kid needs to do what they're really passionate about. Well, great. They're passionate about playing on their games all day or scrolling TikTok. That's all they're passionate about. So what do I do with that? Dyllen Nellis (09:27.657) I think that's really interesting if like, instead of maybe shutting down those interests, get curious, get curious about them. So especially with the TikTok one, I'd be like, what kinds of videos are you watching on TikTok? Because I know me, I will get really interesting. I don't know, people get such neat interests on TikTok. And like I would just the other day, I was like learning about manifesting and quantum leaps or whatever and how that relates to quantum physics. Like that was coming up on my feed and I was like, that's so interesting. So I started going down a rabbit hole on that. So your kid might actually be interested in these very niche things that are coming up on their feeds. And I would get curious about that, know, ask them, have conversations, just to learn a little bit more about what's going on in their head? What are the topics that they're thinking about? What are the questions that they have in the world? I think that's a great one. Pursue the questions. What are you thinking of? What are you curious about? What problems do you care about? Our generation is a lot more interested in social issues and mental health. So lean into those things. Does your kid really care about that? All of those things can, you can find some rich insights from there. Dr. Cam (10:58.124) Right, and I'm gonna take this Dylan and just kind of re-word what I heard to make sure I got this right. I'm hearing rather than fighting with your teen going, you should not be doing this, which you love, because that's not gonna look good and that's a waste of your time. You should want to do this and be doing this because this is gonna look better and this looks like you're being more productive. But when we do that, we're now pushing kids into something that they don't want to be doing. So when they have to talk about it passionately and their interests and what they love, they're like, I don't, I had to do it. So we really want to lean in. And when we lean in and you're right, a lot of kids discover things through TikTok and through other, and I share this too, like my daughter's really into Broadway and she follows all these Broadway stars and gets them, watch them prepare behind the scenes, she knows what like seats, how many seats they sold and what they're doing. And I don't know any of them, like all then sales and all that. Like she knows all this information and all this detail about the business that she learned through TikTok. And it's building and building and that's where she's going for school. That's what she wants to focus on because she so loves it. Right? So I think that that is such a great inlet into what they love. Dyllen Nellis (12:15.615) Yeah, you nailed it. You nailed it at summarizing that. I also think like, this is not to say like, don't, you know, help them do things that are going to look good. I would just say do so in a way that is still nurturing their interests. You know, so if a kid is really interested in, I don't know, physics, for example, great. What kind of research opportunities can we get for that kid? Like what kind of summer programs exist? Maybe they can start a physics club like, you know, help them learn the things that they are already interested in learning. Dr. Cam (12:57.526) Yeah, and I want to reiterate it's help not do. Dyllen Nellis (13:02.389) Yes, my gosh, yes. Dr. Cam (13:05.637) That's one of the things I know I'm working with a group of kids who are amazing and they're doing projects. And some of the projects you can tell the kids are doing and some of the projects you can tell are 100 % the parents. And you know, you know when it's the parents, because you're like, I'm sorry, there's no way, no matter how brilliant your kid is, that they're coming up with something that takes a college PhD to be able to do, right? What do you say to parents who are like, I want to make sure my teen is competitive and stands out, but I don't think on their own they are competitive and stand out that way. Dyllen Nellis (13:47.967) Ooh, okay. That's a good question. think, well, first understand that like growth is possible. We can, we can work on it. We can make them more competitive and more positioned to stand out in application season. So I would recommend if, they're earlier in high school, then it's a lot about extracurricular development. Things that really stand out are research, research opportunities. If you can work on your own research project, like independently led, that's awesome. Or work with a university and that takes a lot of like cold emailing usually. That looks awesome too. I know those things are also more challenging to acquire. Another thing I would highly recommend is a passion project as you kind of just mentioned, projects, right? Like projects are great and let your kid like tinker around and fail, you know, trial and error, play around, like explore their interests with projects and projects that especially relate to their interests. Number one, it's great if it can relate to their intended major because that helps them create a more cohesive application. Dr. Cam (15:08.685) Yeah. Dyllen Nellis (15:13.043) But projects that also solve problems. I know I mentioned earlier, like having questions, being curious. What are you curious about in the world? What are the problems that exist? What are the problems that you care about? And then create a project to try to solve it or work on it, you know? And so colleges want to see why not that you're not just that you are pursuing your intellectual interests, but that you're also trying to make an impact. Impact is so important to colleges and if you've been able to help your school community or your city or your entire country or internationally like those things look amazing and so just lean into how you can create positive change in the world because that's honestly what we need right now and universities are looking for students who are going to be change makers. Dr. Cam (16:06.05) Right. And it doesn't have to be big. Like, we don't have to go change the world. I think it's really little things. And as I said, the kids that I'm working with, it's the focus obviously is mental health. That's what my whole thing is. And they're going into their school or their community and doing a small, either a report or a cookie bake sale or something to bring awareness to mental health in their schools because that's something that they just, they want to do. Is that what you're talking about? Doing things like that? Dyllen Nellis (16:37.589) Yes, I think absolutely start small. Like don't, I know even get so overwhelmed and it will really freak you out. Like I'm speaking from experience, you know, when I was in high school, it's like, oh God, I have to create some like humongous thing. I don't know how to do any of that. Start small. You don't have to make an empire in one day. So it could start off with like making a club at your school. That works. I would recommend taking it further than bake sales though. just cause you want to make sure that this is something that creates real impact and can stand out. So, you know, whether that's like an educational program and then you're teaching in. Like I had a student who really leaned into robotics and she taught these classes in robotics to middle schoolers and she took it to farmers markets and displayed her robots and they had so many outreach efforts and she went to a conference and like chatted with all these other people to get signups for this other program that they put on. So as you can see there, she was able to help so many students in her community and at large. So yeah, as much as you can scale your impact, but you don't need to be at the finish line from the start, like starting small. Dr. Cam (17:57.59) Right. Now let me ask you Dylan, how involved should parents get into this? Because I think when kids are already, they're struggling with grades and parents are already very involved in trying to get their kids just to get good grades, right? And now they're going, okay, do I have to make sure I'm still on them about their grades? And now do I need to be on them about getting this passion project done? Dyllen Nellis (18:22.547) Yeah, I feel like also the language of on them feels so harsh. Dr. Cam (18:27.448) Thank you. Please address that. I would like for you to address that because I did that on purpose. Dyllen Nellis (18:34.221) well on them feels like you're hovering over them and like breathing on them, which doesn't feel good to the student and it doesn't make them want to like do the things that, I don't know. It makes them self-conscious also. Like I can, I can even just close my eyes and like step into that of like being with the student with the parent being like, you know, staring at me hovering over my whatever. So it doesn't feel good. It makes me feel like I can't make mistakes. It makes I'm literally just channeling right now. Like, what does this make me feel? It? Yeah, it makes me feel like I can't make mistakes. It makes me feel like I'm going to like for every decision that I have, I'm going to get faced with like a million, you know, have you thought about this? What about that? What about that? Like, well, here's the reality of that situation. So Dr. Cam (19:11.788) Good, I want you to be. That was my goal. I love it. Dyllen Nellis (19:33.651) For me, I feel like it would make it harder for me to dream big, honestly, because I feel like I'd be faced with a lot of backlash or objections before I even got started. But I need to just try things and fail at them in order to discover that for myself. Plus, like, those are where the experiences come, you know, like you get experience and then those experiences, guess what, can be the content for the college essay. Just saying. Dr. Cam (20:01.102) Correct. So even the failure makes a better essay when it's their authentic not succeeding at it, then succeeding at it, but their parents made them, did it for them, right? Okay. So the other thing now, how can parents best support their kids? First of all, if their kids are interested in doing this first, and then we're going to talk about if they're not. If their kids are like driven and they want to get into Stanford, they want to get into Yale, they want to look good, they want to do a passion project, how do we support them in that? Dyllen Nellis (20:41.533) Yeah, I think you should support your kid, first of all. I know we just said, don't be hovering over them, don't be on to them. But I think parents should absolutely still be part of the process. And it's wonderful when they are. I am grateful for the support that my parents gave me throughout high school. because my dad, for example, found Girls Who Code, that program, and showed it. Introduced that opportunity to me and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna apply to that and I did and it was awesome and I only knew about it because he had done some research online about that. So that's awesome. I would recommend just nurture their intellectual curiosity, lean into the things that they're already interested in and yeah, if you want to like look up opportunities online, find things that might interest them, that's great. And then you present them to your student. And then if they want to do it, you can take that next step. Right, right, exactly. Yeah, and then I think another important thing is for parents to understand a little bit more about the college application process and how it works. And that's a big problem is that parents are giving all this advice or not even advice, but like telling kids to do things in a certain way because they think that they know how the college application process works when I don't know if it's entirely true. Like they might know some of the Dr. Cam (22:12.174) So what are some big, big misconceptions parents have? Dyllen Nellis (22:16.19) Well, that's like the story thing that I was mentioning, but like they understand that a college essay needs to have a good narrative. And yes, that's true, right? But that doesn't mean that you like fabricate certain parts of the narrative to make it sound like a narrative because when I read those essays, I've read thousands and thousands of college essays. If I read one of those, I will know in an instant like, this is not what actually happened. I need to talk to the student. Or maybe it did happen, but like not in that way, or they didn't actually think or feel those feelings that is written on the college essay. So I'll often talk to the kid and then find out what the truth was. And I'm like, my God, let's write about that. That's actually so much more interesting. I helped them outline a whole new essay that's still on the same topic. It's still telling essentially the same story, but now it's true. It's authentic and it rings and it sounds great. I have an example of when my dad, at one point, I was writing my college essay for the UCs, the University of California schools, and we needed a turning point. It was like I was having this in the essay. It's like I was experiencing this problem and I needed inspiration to like take action. And he recommended me, right? And then I walked outside and stood underneath my big tree and the expansive like branches, the branches like inspire me to like expand my thinking. And I literally like wrote part of that in that essay. And now I look back and I'm like, this is the cheesiest thing I ever wrote. Thank God I didn't use that specific line in my essay to Stanford because I actually did use that same essay for Stanford, but I had to cut it down and I cut out that part and I made it better. But yeah, that's a great example of like, okay, if I read that, I would roll my eyes. I'm like, you did not stand under a tree and all of a sudden, like you decided to expand your thinking. What? Dr. Cam (24:24.065) Sounds very poetic. Not true. Yeah. So the messiness is good. We can have messiness. Dyllen Nellis (24:43.047) It depends. would recommend... I don't know. It's more about... I wouldn't say like having messiness. Dr. Cam (24:51.798) Not messiness in writing, but messiness in story. Like the story doesn't have to be a perfect story or can it be a messy situation. Dyllen Nellis (25:01.269) It doesn't have to be entirely linear and like, here's a bow tied around it like and then everything was solved. Everything was fixed. I think a lot of students think that they have to get there by the end of the essay. I'm like, just be real. What like, okay, if you're still experiencing whatever problem that was introduced in the beginning, you don't have to say, everything is solved. My life is perfect. But like, here's what I'm working on. Here's the lessons that I'm learning. Here's how I have started to take action in my life or improve my life in certain ways. Great. Like if you're on that journey, you've taken steps, then that's great. Yeah. I would be careful with the word messy though. I feel like I want to be very... Dr. Cam (25:48.29) Okay, I appreciate that. What you said is what I was thinking of just like real, but yeah, I guess when my life is real, I think messy, but that's my life. So let me ask you this. If you have a kid and you're like, they're smart, I know they have what it takes to get into the school, but they're just not motivated to do this. What do you recommend parents do in those situations? Dyllen Nellis (26:15.975) if they're not motivated to about the college application process or. Dr. Cam (26:21.432) Well, just about like doing a passion project or doing something or like exploring that situation where it's gonna have this great story. Or I talk to kids too, or like, I'm just boring. I've had kids that I've worked with who are struggling, and I mean, in a mental health capacity, but this comes up because that's what's stressing them out, right? And they're like, I don't know what's right, I'm boring. Like there's nothing exciting, or I'm not motivated to do all this stuff. So how do parents address that in your mind? Dyllen Nellis (26:53.235) Yeah. First of all, they're not boring. And I've had people tell me that too. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, you just haven't figured out what makes you unique yet. And let's figure that out. I can help you do that in an hour. Yeah. In terms of like motivating students, I think the most important thing is for them to understand why, why we want them to do this in the first place and what are the benefits of it. Right. Instead of just Dr. Cam (27:01.42) Yeah. It's fun to do that. Dyllen Nellis (27:22.163) You have to do this because it looks good to colleges. It's okay. A passion project I think is so awesome. First of all, because you get to learn more about the thing that you're interested in. You got to feel a sense of purpose, which is huge. You're like getting to do something that matters and really investing your all into it. And this is something that is self led. You get to be the leader in this. Like it's not a school assignment you have creative freedom, that's awesome. You're going to learn so many things along the way. So many things like once again, through the trial and error and failures, like those things are going to help you develop skills and lessons in life that you're going to use for the rest of your life. They're going to benefit you in so many other ways beyond college applications. And then it'll look good to colleges for your extracurriculars list. And then also because you have all of these new experiences that are not conventional, right? Because this is a project that you started. Not every other kid is doing this. This gives you such great content for your college essays. You know, if you want to focus in one of your essays on this passion project, but more specifically what you went throug how your mindset changed and how you grew as a person. That's so awesome. So if a student understands that and sees like all of the opportunities that can come from pursuing a passion project like that, then I think they'll be more motivated to want to take action. Dr. Cam (29:04.172) And we can't make them motivated to do it. We can give them all that information and feed that, but if they're not motivated at all, what do you say to that? Dyllen Nellis (29:20.469) Oh, I think I know where you're trying to take me, but you can, you can... Oh, really? Okay. Well, here's what I think. If you're like, my kid needs to get into a top school in order to be successful in life, then that is not true. They do not have to go to Stanford. They do not have to go to Harvard, you know, like... Dr. Cam (29:23.914) I'm not going to take you anywhere. I'm just asking because I know there's a lot of kids that are not motivated at all. Dyllen Nellis (29:49.841) they can get really great education and be so successful in their lives no matter where they go to college. So not everyone has to achieve at the same level, you know, and if that's just not like met for your kid, then that's fine. That's literally totally fine. So they don't have to get into a top school. So you don't need to force that onto them. If you know your kid would do better at a different type of school, great. You know, there's like so much great education out there. And, I, I honestly will say I've learned the most, not from college. I know I went to Stanford. I learned some great things there, but, you know, I started my entire business and company and like everything that I know about how to run a business. I learned online because I was just like, let me go on YouTube and, you know, here's another rabbit hole. And then I learned from online business owners. Like these are things that college couldn't really teach me. Dr. Cam (30:52.588) Yeah. And thank you for that. You kind of are right. That's kind of where I was trying to get you at. But I think the key is like listening to this. If you have a child or a teen who really personally themselves want to get into these schools and they really do or trying everything they can, this is a great piece of information that you can share with them. The story, the passion project, the essay are really core to differentiating themselves. If you have a kid that does not want to do this, even though you want them to do it, we can't force them and push them to do that. And that's okay. There's a lot of other ways that they can go about and find their path in life. Is that correct? Great. Okay. So I want to hear from you. How were your parents and what did your parents, because you're still so young, Dyllen Nellis (31:41.737) Yeah, absolutely. Dr. Cam (31:50.55) What did your parents do that you found were the most supportive and helped you the most when you were driven for your own success? Dyllen Nellis (31:50.943) My parents were great, first of all. I really appreciate all the things that they've done and how they helped me throughout my education. They never really, yeah, they didn't really force anything on me in high school. It's funny, I was just so high achieving and I put pressure on myself and that was just a me thing and I, yeah, it's kind of funny. But like I said, my dad found certain opportunities for me by searching online. I think he was proactive in understanding that you even, not had to, but it would look great if you did do a project, right? And so I didn't know that at all. And nobody at my school was talking about that. Like none of the kids were talking about that. Like nobody, no one was like. No one was very understanding of the college application process at my high school. Like that wasn't the thing. And so he introduced those ideas to me. I said, just just being exposed to those ideas or knowing that that is something, right? Like then I was interested in taking those steps. And if I had an idea, we would work on it, we would discuss it, we would brainstorm it together that was wonderful and if there were any resources that my parents thought that I would benefit from or people who they knew then they could introduce me. So that's yeah that's like a great thing. And then on my essays my parents definitely looked at my essays and helped me edit them as I mentioned before I don't think that they're perfect but that's okay. Dr. Cam (33:48.814) You can take some of their suggestions and not take some of their suggestions. Dyllen Nellis (33:54.011) Yes. And I also understand that some students may not want to share their essays with their parents. I think that is totally fine too. Because sometimes students are writing about really personal things. Sometimes it is about the relationship with their parents. Yeah. So I am really grateful for how my parents helped me with that. So it's just like, yeah. And any way that they can support providing resource doing research themselves or like presenting ideas, talking with me about certain ideas, that's all helpful. Dr. Cam (34:31.352) Yeah, I love that part of it. It's fun to do the brainstorming and just kind of throwing ideas around and then watching them go, watching them take it and go. And that's it's so cool. So Dylan, how do people find you if they want your support in this? Dyllen Nellis (34:47.793) Yes, you can visit nextgenadmit.com. That's my website. It has everything, all of my programs, all my services, all of that. I'm actually open to working with private clients now for sophomores and juniors in high school. So if that's something you're interested in, then you can book a free call with me on my website as well. And I do want to offer everyone here my free masterclass. I have a full hour long master class where I talk about the top school admissions formula. That's what I call it. And so I'll break down like these very specific parts that it takes to get into a top school. And that's super valuable. You'll get a lot of insight from that. So you can visit nextgenadmit.com slash master class and register for free. Dr. Cam (35:37.43) Right. I have a feeling a lot of my listeners are going to be jumping over to that because I know we've got, we've got a lot of high achieving kids. So thank you so much, Dylan. What is the one thing that you want people to walk away with from this conversation? Dyllen Nellis (35:54.047) Ooh, it's that competitive colleges admit students who can effectively articulate their core values, their intellectual curiosity, and their potential to succeed at their institution. That's what these colleges want. And so don't force a fake narrative. You want to tell an authentic story. Because if you're not telling an authentic story, you're telling a cliche one. Dr. Cam (36:19.362) Yeah, I love that. That is so important. Dylan, thank you so much for jumping on. This was great. Very helpful. Very inspiring. Dyllen Nellis (36:25.247) Thank you. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #CollegeAdmissions #ParentingTeens #AuthenticStorytelling

Mar 18

Is your teen struggling in school, but you’re hitting roadblocks trying to get them the support they need? The IEP (Individualized Education Program) process can be overwhelming—especially for minority parents facing additional challenges. In this episode, I sit down with Maria Davis-Pierre, a licensed mental health counselor, autism advocate, and founder of Autism in Black. Maria shares her personal journey navigating the special education system for her neurodivergent children and exposes the hidden biases that often prevent Black and minority children from getting the right diagnosis and accommodations. She also provides practical strategies for parents to advocate effectively, empower their teens, and navigate the IEP process with confidence. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The biggest mistakes parents make when advocating for their child’s IEP—and how to avoid them Why Black and minority children are often mislabeled as behavioral problems instead of receiving proper support How to involve your teen in their IEP process and teach them self-advocacy skills The hidden biases in school support systems that every parent should know about 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Know Your Rights – Understanding the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) is crucial for effective advocacy. Cultural Bias Exists – Many minority children are misdiagnosed or overlooked, making advocacy even more critical. Empower Your Teen – Teens who participate in their own IEP process develop stronger self-advocacy skills for the future. Leverage Their Strengths – Connecting accommodations to your teen’s interests can make learning more engaging. Give Yourself Grace – The IEP process is challenging, but you are your child's best advocate. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Maria Davis-Pierre Website: autisminblack.org Instagram: @autisminblack CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. ✅ Follow for expert guidance on parenting teens EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating the IEP Process: A Personal Journey 02:49 Cultural Responsivity in Autism Support 05:52 Advocacy: The Unique Challenges for Minority Parents 09:04 Understanding the Special Education Process 12:00 Identifying Signs of Learning Difficulties in Teens 14:58 Overcoming Stigma: Supporting Teens with IEPs 17:52 Empowering Teens to Advocate for Themselves 20:54 Leveraging Interests for Learning 23:52 Finding Support and Resources 26:53 The Importance of Grace in Parenting FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00) As a mom who's been through the school IEP process dozens of times at least, I can tell you it's quite overwhelming. Whether it's figuring out the process, understanding what support is available, or just trying to advocate for your teen or help them advocate for themselves, it's a lot. That's why I'm so excited for today's episode. I'm joined by Maria Davis-Pierre, a licensed mental health counselor, autism advocate, and the founder of Autism in Black. Her work has been featured in Forbes, USA Today, PBS and more. Today she's gonna do, give us the insight we need to navigate IEPs with confidence. Welcome Maria. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (00:39) Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. Dr. Cam (00:42) Me too. So especially as someone that's been through this process a lot, I know that is so challenging. But let's first start with you. Tell us a little bit about you and how you got into just autism and black, especially. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (00:57) Sure. So our story starts with our oldest child, Malia, who is now 12, almost 13, my goodness. And it started when she was about 10 months. I started to see the signs of characteristics of autism in her. And I knew with my experience as a licensed therapist, I was like, we need to get you know, in front of this and my husband who is a internal medicine physician, first he was like, you know, keep that over there with your patients. Don't come over here and diagnose my kid. But we started the process, went to our pediatrician, went to early steps program, which you know, every state has just might not be called early steps. And then eventually went to the pediatric neurologist trying to get this diagnosis for her. And it ended up with me actually boycotting in the pediatric neurologist office for a week because everybody was agreeing she was autistic, but nobody wanted to give her the official diagnosis because she was young. But we're all agreeing, we know it, we can't get certain services through insurance without this official diagnosis. And now you're saying wait a year and a half when we know she's still gonna be autistic. So boycotted in his office, he gave me the paperwork after a week of seeing him from the he came in to the time he left. And then, you know, started the service process. My colleagues start coming into our house and not understanding cultural responsivity, not understanding that you need to incorporate your client's culture into the work that you do. So it was, they were making it seem like we were resistant when in fact, they just weren't using interventions that were culturally responsive. And in talking to other individuals, we found that this was a norm, that we weren't the only ones experiencing this. So that's how we initially started Autism in Black. And now here we are, many years later with our podcast, our conference, our webinars and trainings. Now I have twins as well. have twins who are also neurodivergent and I got my own diagnosis. Dr. Cam (02:49) It's a family affair that you have turned into helping everyone else, which I love so much that you take your own story and your own pain and frustration and you help other people with it. And I know, I mean, I just talked to so many people that are so frustrated, not only with the system, but just as you were saying, the diagnoses and knowing what to do and finding people that they relate to and understand. I'm curious too, let's just dig in a little bit. Like what do you see as some of the differences that we may not know? Because I know there's a lot of microaggressions, there's a lot of little things that people are just not aware of that people should be aware of. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (03:52) One, when it comes to Black children in the school system, we are often not categorized as we should be, and we are deemed then a behavioral problem. So we are not even getting to the point to where we can get IUPs and 504s because it's not being seen as this child has a disability. It's more this child has behavior problems, they're bad, they're a bad seed type of thing biases that get in the way of thinking that black people can have disabilities, know, these children have disabilities that need supports in the school system. So that's one of the major factors as we see is that getting to the point to where we have the, can get the supports is a struggle. Dr. Cam (04:46) Yeah, I think this is such a big thing and I see this across many different cultures, right, where we just, we look at the behavior and we're very quick to make an assumption that there's something behavioral really destructive about them and not that there's a learning need, right, or not that there's neurodivergence and the system's not working for them. I mean, again, I've been through this with my daughter too and it's hard as a parent because you're like, is this just behavior that I should be dealing with or is this something different that they need support that they need? So when you're in that line, even as a parent, you're going, I'm not sure either. How do you know or how do you move forward with just that uncertainty? Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (05:16) One, we have to advocate differently than the typical parent who isn't a minority, have to advocate completely different. That means we have to go above and beyond. Like me sitting in that office for a week, you know, to get the paperwork, you know, us constantly staying on the schools, making sure that, you're going through this process, reading the actual paperwork and looking for any of those kind of adjectives that describe our children in a manner that can then hurt them down the line, right? So we have to make sure that we are going above and beyond every step. For any parent in general dealing with special education process, you're advocating in a different manner. You're having to go in there. You add in intersectionality and it just makes that process much, harder. It makes the advocating much, much harder because oftentimes we're not understanding if it's racism or ableism that we're dealing with because they're so intertwined with us. So having to tease that back and know what point we're advocating from is also something that, you know, is a difficult process. Dr. Cam (06:49) So you're sitting there going, I'm not an expert, so I don't even know if they have a diagnosis, let alone what they need for it. But I'm also going up a system that's making it really hard for me to even figure that out. And even if I do have it, I'm still needing resistance. I mean, parents are just exhausted as it is, so they're like, probably a many give up their children struggle and the whole time through school. And then again, the schools often, I mean, it just becomes a cycle, right? So now this child is seen as misbehaving and they're treated as misbehaving. It's just this whole huge thing, self-esteem plummets. So we don't want this to happen. So what is the first step that we need to do when we're at that stage of, I think something needs to be done? Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (07:28) That's what it is. I'm a big advocate for getting the medical diagnosis. Dr. Cam (07:48) Where do I go first? Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (07:57) I think, you know, that can sometimes be an easier route because we can take that into the school and, you know, start that leverage from there. But I know that there so many costs associated and also the wait times and, you know, there's so much that we're going through when we're thinking about that medical diagnosis. So if that is not a route that you were able to do prior to starting with the school, then go the route we're supposed to with, hey, something's wrong. Hey, let me speak to the sped-ed director. That's what we call them here in Florida. Sometimes they're case managers in other states. Speaking with that person, starting the process, getting everything in writing. You're going to have to go over and over and over again sometimes. Sometimes you might have to go through the tiered system of how they go through the process to make sure your child needs the support. But whatever the way is for that school, that district, that county, start there and then continue it. Sometimes our children are categorized in that EBD category and not in the category that they should be and then you have to start your fight from that way. So you have to figure out first how do I first get them to understand that my child needs these supports and then see where they're going to go with the category and then that will change your trajectory of how you're going to advocate. Dr. Cam (09:04) We have to do a lot of pre-education before we even go in there because we need to know what to expect, what is our rights, what is available, and what the process is. So before we even start the process, we've got to research and understand the process. Now, what are some things that you recommend parents make sure they educate themselves on and be aware about, especially if they're concerned about microaggressions. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (09:52) Mm-hmm one is IDEA I mean that's really kind of going to be your leverage for everything what I think is a disadvantage to everyone is the fact that Schools don't really know IDEA they have the culture of what's in the school that they go by but a lot of times It's not what's in the actual IDEA policies and the guidance and then when it comes to the black community, we're not even given the information of how the process works or should I get my child supports? Is this going to hinder my child? So there's so much that we don't know that that pre-education doesn't happen for us. It's after the fact of my child, the school has said my child has been identified or I'm thinking your child can be identified. So it's really kind of a disadvantage for our community because oftentimes we don't do the pre-education first because we don't know we should do the pre-education first, right? If you do have the opportunity, one, you are in a good place because now you know I can protect myself. Now I know that there is a set of laws that can guide how this process works. And in IDEA, parent is said more than any other team member. So that just shows how much of a pivotal point you are in the process. So making sure you know what is the rights for you, making sure you know what the rights is for your child, getting it in writing and constantly letting the school know, I know my rights. I know the rights for my child because that can make it easier for you. Dr. Cam (11:31) Now, when we're working with teenagers, there's a whole new many levels of complicated things that complicate the process. Because now we have the teens, when they're little, it's like, okay, this is what we need. This is what we need for our kid. And we're speaking for our kid. Now that we have a teenager, the first thing is we see that our teen is struggling in school and we don't know why. And a lot of times our assumption again is they're not making an effort. They don't care. They're being defunct. We put a lot of those labels on them first. Parents do, teachers do, right? Rather than going, what's going on? So let's first look at what are some signs that maybe we can look for? And I don't know if this is the right question for you, but what are some signs we can look for maybe that says, you know what, maybe we need to look if there's some learning difficulty here that's getting in their way. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (12:31) No, I think that's the perfect question, especially from a mental health standpoint, because one of the biggest signs is change in behavior. If your child is having what is considered a sudden change in behavior, they are struggling when they weren't struggling before, right? Because middle school and up is a different ballgame for children. is, middle school is one of the hardest transitions for children because they're going from elementary where they're handheld through everything and then pushed into middle school and now you are independent. Okay, you do it type of thing, right? So that would be a big turning point for a lot of parents because then they see there's something going on here, right? My child has to be taking the lead on making sure they're getting their stuff done, right? They're the ones who have to make sure that they're transitioning from period to period just fine, right? You know, so we'll start to see a lot of those signs and then you're like, well, what's going on here? And at first, like you said, it can be, why are you not getting it done? What's really going on here? Why, you know, because teens, I'm on my phone, I'm on social media, I'm everything, right? So it's oftentimes like you just don't want to do it. But, you know, those sudden changes are also behavior as a form of communication. So also go beneath that iceberg of the tip of what you're seeing and discover is there something more there because that behavior is going to be the first red flag for you. Dr. Cam (14:00) I can't stress that and underscore that enough with a lot of the teens I'm working for. They're getting in trouble all the time. It's blamed on the phone and they're struggling just to focus or just to like understand. And so it doesn't help when there's more punishment and criticism and everything else. So it's stopping and going, okay, they're struggling. Let's figure this out. Now let's get to the next step, the stigma. I live in a very well-educated, high, you know, esteem place where, my gosh, everyone wants to be all straight AAP students and to say, my child actually needs extra support and an IEP. A lot of people have trouble with that and a lot of teens have trouble with that. So how do we overcome the stigma to get the help we need? Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (14:39) One, very good question. And it's so difficult because when your teen is, you know, at that age, everything can be kind of embarrassing for them. And they're like, this is shame. I don't want people to think that I'm different. I don't want to be different, right? When we're adults, we understand that that was a moment in time. But for teens, it's like everything at that moment, right? I don't want to be different. I don't want this spotlight on me. I don't want people to see that I need accommodations and modifications. And that can be a difficult thing because as a parent you're over here something needs to be done. I want to advocate. I want to do this. But when your teen is like, please mom don't don't right? It's not anything for you to be concerned about. I'm going to get it together. And they are taking on all of that added stress and pressures because middle school and above is so much pressure for these kids that it is to I'm like you're stressing these children out, right? So my thing is therapy can also help in that aspect of understanding that, hey, there's nothing wrong with me getting some support. There's nothing wrong with me getting accommodations that then can, one, take stress off of me, two, help me be on equal playing field with my peers. So it's one about changing that mindset for you and your child, and then going from there. Dr. Cam (16:22) There's this belief that we're either smart or not smart. And if we can't do it, we're not smart. But if you think about it, if you went to learn a new sport, of course, you're going to get a coach to help you do better. Of course, you're going to look at where your strengths are and where your weaknesses are. But in education, for some reason, we think if we can't figure it out on our own, that just means we're dumb or it's embarrassing to need somebody. So I think it is getting through that. Now we've got the parents are on board and I know parents struggle with it too, because they don't sometimes want to admit, my child's not this straight A getting everything student, my child needs help. But now we're getting to the point where we see what is available and our teen is really, really resistant. Because of mostly because of what you just said. How can parents address that resistance in a way that doesn't create more arguments and frustration? Because I see that a lot too. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (17:23) One is open communication with your child. I think finding out an equal balance of where they can get the accommodations, but if they can be where it's not such a big spotlight, right? Where they can like, for instance, my daughter has a thing where she can have a certain signal that the teacher knows that she needs help. So the teacher doesn't have to come over and be like, do you need help with this? Do we need to do this A, B, and C? But she can give a signal to where then they know she needs help, right? So we're some of these things to where they're getting the assistance, but it's not such a big spotlight on that. And the team can feel secure in knowing that I know that when I need certain things that this is what I can do. And nobody has to know my business because a lot of times that's what it is because we know bullying happens. We know teasing happens, right? And we don't want to feel like that outsider. So having that communication with your team, asking them what they need, because sometimes parents go into school and they're advocating, not knowing that that is not something that their team is going to work with, that that accommodation is not going to be something that they feel OK with. It doesn't work for them. So having that communication and involving them makes it a lot easier because now they feel like they've had input in their life, which they should. Dr. Cam (18:46) That is so key and so important. Your teen has to be involved. End of story. If we're doing this behind their back, just what you said, we don't necessarily know what they need and they feel like even less in control. I've always told people, my daughter's had an IEP before she could barely talk because she had speech difficulties. We've been in the system from the get-go. But she has been in our meetings advocating herself since she could talk. Like she was always there and now she does all of it. And I just go, do you want me there for support? I'm not going to say anything because you've got this. And she's so great at advocating for herself now. And it feels so empowered about it, but she's done it. So it's about her, not about what I need for her. It's about what she needs for her. And I think the other thing is normalizing it. That was another big thing that's always been a part of our conversations. It's not that she's dumb. It's not that she's struggling. It's that she needs different ways to learn that the school doesn't necessarily provide to everyone. So now she has these. So it's become empowering to her to be able to ask for these and have it, which is amazing.But I don't see that a lot. see a lot of kids feel like this is a sign of weakness. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (20:14) Because in this, like you said, because it's not normalized, or it's normalized in our homes because it is normal for us, but in other homes to where the child doesn't have a disability, it's not normalized, right? So they don't understand that people are different, and then that makes it more difficult because, yes, in my house, this is normalized, but when I leave my house and others are talking about me, I'm seeing that, okay. This is not, they don't understand that it's not normal, right? They don't understand that what their experience is, is not the norm, right? So they're thinking to me that I'm the different one, right? No. That's where it comes to everybody really getting that education. There's when it comes to really understanding that schools should have accommodations weaved in to the system so that students, especially when it comes to students who don't get identified, and it can make it easier. It makes the whole school system easier for everybody, for the teachers, for the admins, for the students, because there are so many students who are not identified, especially as we're getting older because they're looking at more behavioral issues. So the conversations have to just go more than outside of homes where we're dealing with it. They need to be in homes where they're not dealing with it, where that is not their norm, you know. So it comes with that as well. I love that your daughter advocates for herself to their mom's a therapist right so they advocate in completely different ways because their parents have taught them completely different the way that my children advocate people know that their mom is a therapist that is just no like Dr. Cam (21:46) So is mine. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (22:02) Your mom must be in this work. Yes, because of how they advocate, because of how I raise them. That's not the norm. The way that my children and your child is not the norm, but because their parents are in the field, it's the norm for them. So that's where the conversations have to go beyond these households. Dr. Cam (22:07) I want this conversation because I want everyone else to know, listen, this is extraordinarily empowering when your child has control and ability to advocate for themselves. And we've normalized the fact that there are going to be places that you're going to struggle. Everyone does. And I think this, we struggle in all kinds of different things in the world for some reason, because everyone has to go to school and everyone is compared to everyone at the exact same time based on age, that really magnifies differences and they're stuck in this place. So the comparisons are really huge when in everything else, the differences are just as vast, but we're not in a microcosm, right? We're not in this little Petri dish looking at every single person. So the people that particularly struggle in that one area, Let's be real, it's one area of type of learning. Get stigmatized, right? And looked at, right? So the other thing, and I want to ask you how you do this too, is we focus on this is one way that you learn and that's not the best way that you learn. So we're going to find all the other ways that you are super strong in and all your other strengths that may not show up in school, but we're going to really magnify those in the rest of your life. And that builds her confidence. Tell me about how you do that with your kids, because I know you do. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (23:52) We do that by their interest really. So for example, my preteen almost teenager loves culinary. She wants to be a chef. She's in the culinary program at her middle school. That's she chose that middle school based on them having that culinary program. That's her thing. And we utilize her love for culinary to help with other things because when you're doing a recipe, there's math, there's reading, there's all of that. So when we're able to weave it into her interest, she can then apply it in other areas, right? Of course, she's dealing with fractions. She's dealing with having to be able to comprehend the recipe to know this comes first, this comes second, this comes third. So when you take it with their interest and weave it into there, it makes it fun for them, because they're like, I'm doing my interest, but they're also learning and you're getting both of the good things happening at once. So weaving it in with their interest, I find has been very easy for me to get the learning in, but also making sure that they're not bored, they're not tired, they're not feeling like I can't get this type of thing because they're invested in their interest. Dr. Cam (25:06) It's amazing that they will do things that they struggle with in school without any problem at all. Because my daughter is all theater, right? So she has to do reading comprehension in school and struggles with it, but she will go read an article and give me every little detail and memorize everything about it when it's about theater. She knows like the price, the cost. I don't even understand it all. Like she just knows everything about it. And I'm like, how'd you know that? Well, I read that whole thing, but you can't read this paragraph and say, no, that's boring. It has nothing to do with comprehension, it has to do with that's boring. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (25:40) Preferred, fast-spirited. And I'll tell you, I am a 41-year-old who is autistic and has ADHD. I have non-preferred and preferred things, and I will avoid something that I don't like to do, but something that I am heavily invested in. I will know every single, it will be done on time, get it in, anything else. The executive functioning skills start, and I have to learn, okay, I need to implement my coping skills, have to implement my accommodations, right? And for children who don't have fully formed brains, who don't have the emotional regulation of adults, we can't hold them to higher standards of, you gotta get this done. They don't want to, because it's not fun. Dr. Cam (26:23) Thank you for saying that, the higher standards, because I do, again, see this a lot where we lose our crap, but get upset when our kids do. And our kids have less ability to regulate their emotions than we do. We get upset when our kids don't get everything done right when we want them to get it done. But I mean, I've been tripping over my Christmas tree in the foyer for months now, because I don't feel like putting it away. If that had been my daughter's, I would have been really annoyed with her forever and ever because she hasn't put it away yet. So I think we do have to look at what standards are we setting for our kids and what priorities, right? Like our priorities are different from theirs. So when they're struggling at school and when they're struggling at different things, we need to take all this into account, right? They're doing their best. They really, really are. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (27:16) They really are. Exactly. And weave those things into their IEPs. My son, he likes to stand to do his work. It's in his IEP that he can stand and do. If he's not bothering anybody, don't bother him, right? He has a spin disc. The things that he needs, weave it in there because then it makes it easier for them to be able to learn. If they're constantly not regulated, not feeling comfortable, then they're not going to do it. But if you're weaving in those things that are going to help them, that they enjoy, it makes it easier for everybody involved. Dr. Cam (28:02) Yeah, and that's just in real life, you can do that. So it's just advocating so they can do that in school where they're learning how to do it. So Maria, tell us how can people find you, especially if they need to learn from you because you're going to help them navigate this, which is very complicated. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (28:06) Yes, it is. Listen, it's complicated thing, but we try to make it enjoyable over here at Autism in Black. So you could go to our website, autisminblack.org, and it has everything. has how you can work with me, how you can get access to our conferences, podcasts, all of our social media handles. It has everything there. You just go to autisminblack.org and you can connect with me. Dr. Cam (28:48) I love it. Thank you so much. And what is one key takeaway that out of all this, which was a lot, what do you really want parents to remember from this? Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (28:55) One is grace. Give yourself grace and give your kids grace. I think oftentimes society places these expectations that we feel we have to live by and it makes it so hard for us and our kids. And understanding that grace will help. I think it makes it less stressful for you and them. Dr. Cam (29:03) It's so important. It really is. We have a lot of shoulds that we live by and the shoulds need to be trashed because they they're pile on. So yeah, I love that. So give ourselves grace. Thank you, Maria, for joining us. We really appreciate it. Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (29:25) This was fun. Thank you for having me. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #IEPadvocacy #specialeducation

Mar 13

In this episode, Dr. David Yeager, a psychology professor at the University of Texas, shares groundbreaking insights from his book 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People . He challenges common misconceptions about teen motivation and presents research-based strategies for parents and teachers to encourage teens. Dr. Yeager explains how understanding the teenage brain, using autonomy-supportive language, and practicing "do-overs" can improve communication and motivation. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The science behind motivating teenagers and turning procrastination into action. Why the teenage brain isn't "incompetent" and how it responds to different stimuli than adults. How to use autonomy-supportive language to connect with your teen and boost motivation. The importance of aligning your arguments with your teen’s values. How to use “do-overs” to repair communication breakdowns and strengthen your relationship with your teen. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Motivate by understanding, not controlling: The teenage brain is wired differently but isn’t "broken." Understanding their perspective and values leads to better motivation. Autonomy matters: Teens need to feel in control of their choices, so use autonomy-supportive language to encourage responsibility. Teen emotions are powerful: Harness the intensity of teen emotions instead of fearing them. These emotions can be a source of motivation if managed well. Communication is key: When communication breaks down, practice “do-overs” to repair the situation and strengthen your relationship. Don’t fear the challenges: The struggle to motivate teens is not a sign of failure—it's an opportunity to connect and guide them more effectively. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE 10 TO 25, the Science of Motivating Young People by Dr. David Yeager EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction: Unlocking the Science of Motivating Young People 03:41 Understanding the Teenage Brain: A New Perspective 06:27 Motivating Teenagers: The Power of Autonomy Support 14:44 Building Stronger Connections with Teenagers: Practicing Do-Overs CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. David Yeager Website: DavidYeager.com Twitter: @DavidYeager CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.513) If you're like most parents, motivating your teen to do anything productive can feel like a daily struggle. But what if we could unlock the secret to turning procrastination into action, disinterest into engagement, and resistance into enthusiasm? That’s what we’re going to talk about today. I’m thrilled to be joined by Dr. David Yeager, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, renowned for his influential research alongside esteemed colleagues like Carol Dweck, Angela Duckworth, and Greg Walton. In his latest book, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People , Dr. Yeager dives deep into the science of adolescent motivation. He’s going to share some of his findings with us today. Dr. Yeager, welcome to the show! Dr. David Yeager (00:46.424) Thanks for having me. I was a middle school teacher right out of college, teaching sixth through eighth-grade English at a low-income school. I also taught K through eighth-grade PE, meaning I had seven or eight preps a day. I struggled with all the challenges you can imagine—everything from getting third graders to line up for dodgeball to getting seventh graders to read The Once and Future King and The Outsiders , and turn in essays on time. I felt frustrated by the advice I was given by the scientific community and research, which led me to want to do better research. I’ve spent my career trying to conduct applied research that provides parents and teachers concrete suggestions on what to say (and what not to say) based on rigorous experiments. Dr. Cam (01:49.151) You’ve definitely piqued everyone’s interest. I’m curious, what was the advice you received earlier that didn’t work? Dr. David Yeager (02:02.478) Think back 20 years. The big ideas around motivation for young people were about their traits—some kids are motivated, others aren’t. Some kids are helpless, some are extroverted, others are reserved. Yes, there are individual differences, but that’s not useful for me. I’m not going to give a personality test on the first day of class and say, “Okay, you’re the type who’s just going to sit there doing nothing.” The other advice was abstract and didn’t have experimental backing. It would say things like, “Set a mastery goal” or “Promote intrinsic motivation over extrinsic motivation,” but real life is more nuanced. For example, if someone asked me how to motivate an eight-year-old, I’d say, “I use a lot of Pokemon cards and candy.” With younger kids, you need something to get them over the initial hump. Once they realize success feels good, you can build intrinsic motivation over time. The advice I received was either too simplistic or not useful. I wanted clarity on what to say to make kids more intrinsically motivated or persistent, and that’s what we’ve focused on in our randomized experiments. Dr. Cam (03:41.47) I love this and can’t wait to hear more. Let’s talk quickly about why it feels so hard to motivate our teenagers in the first place. Dr. David Yeager (03:53.74) A traditional narrative is that something’s wrong with this generation—brainwashed by phones, distracted by political unrest, and so on. While there are differences compared to when we were growing up, I think a lot of the complaints are overstated. For example, think about how much more attention we can give now with technology—like when you’re driving, you don’t have to worry about getting lost because you have Google Maps. We used to spend so much time with physical maps or printing out directions from MapQuest, hoping the printer worked. Sure, there are distractions now, but we wasted a lot of time in the past, too. Dr. Cam (04:30.849) Thank God for that! I remember getting lost a lot more. Dr. David Yeager (04:51.212) Right? I think a lot of what’s happening now is a net even. Older generations have always complained about younger ones—this goes back to Aristotle and Plato. What I want to focus on is the timeless aspects of the adolescent brain that haven’t changed over the course of hundreds of thousands of years, and how they respond to cultural and technological shifts. Fundamentally, young people’s brains, from the onset of puberty, start craving experiences of status. The feeling of earning a prestigious reputation in the eyes of someone they care about has never felt as good as it does during puberty. On the flip side, the humiliation of being rejected or failing publicly at something important never feels worse. Given the intensity of these emotions, we as parents can’t just tell kids to “get over it.” We have to understand it and figure out how to harness it. Dr. Cam (06:26.913) I love this because it speaks to how parents often say, “Well, this is how I was raised, and it worked for me.” But 20 years ago, we didn’t know nearly as much as we know now about the brain and teen development. We know so much more now that can help us avoid some of the trauma many adults are still recovering from. If we can prevent that, why wouldn’t we? Let’s talk about the teen brain. I’m with you—evolution doesn’t change that quickly. The world around teens today has changed drastically, and they’re doing the best they can in this world we’ve created. Dr. David Yeager (07:42.146) The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are different metaphors for what the teenage brain is doing. The metaphor we choose shapes how we deal with it. One common view is that young people are neurobiologically incompetent—that the moment puberty strikes, they get a “frontal lobotomy,” can’t plan ahead, can’t reason logically, are short-sighted, impulsive, and selfish. That view goes back to Plato’s Phaedrus , where young people were compared to unruly horses needing to be controlled by a charioteer. Neuroscientists have used this view, partly because it has served as a convenient legal argument for youth offenders. It’s true that kids don’t always think about the lifelong consequences of their actions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking. They’re just thinking about different things, not long-term self-interest. The updated view is a neurobiological competence model. Teens are really good at some things—just not what adults expect. The teenage brain is like the R&D engine for our culture. As society and technology change, teens have to adapt quickly and figure out how to succeed in our world—and they do this far faster than adults. What adults may see as a short attention span is often the brain at the frontier of innovation. Think about it: The same adults who complain about kids loitering at the mall might be served by an excellent 16-year-old waiter without even noticing. The teenage brain is paying attention to different things, and once we understand what those things are, we can communicate more effectively, inspiring independence and motivation in young people. Dr. Cam (10:46.249): That’s fantastic. It’s so true. Their priorities are different from ours, but that doesn’t make them wrong; it makes them different. My understanding is that the prefrontal cortex is still developing during adolescence, forming connections. So, complex skills like emotional regulation and problem-solving are still being developed. It doesn’t mean they can’t do these things, but they’re primed to learn how to do them better. This is a time for practicing those skills, but we can’t expect them to have it all figured out yet. Is that correct? Dr. David Yeager (11:28.268): Yes, that’s mostly correct. The brain’s emotional regulation is an experience-dependent process. Some things, like bone growth from drinking milk, happen automatically, but emotional regulation depends on experiences. You learn to regulate emotions by actually going through emotional experiences. The old model suggested that logical reasoning in the prefrontal cortex dampens the impulsive emotional regions of the brain, but now we know that the emotional areas teach the prefrontal cortex what to care about. Carol Dweck, who developed growth mindset theory, recently published a paper showing that goal-directedness, driven by emotions, guides the brain’s development. Teenagers can focus their cognitive resources when motivated by something important to them, and that experience changes their brain and their mindset. The challenge for us as adults is that when there’s a conflict, it’s often because their goal isn’t to regulate their emotions to meet our demands. Their brain won’t be receptive to our goals unless they perceive them as important. Dr. Cam (13:53.183): This ties right into motivation. We’re not saying kids aren’t motivated; they just aren’t motivated to do what we want them to. When we talk about kids being unmotivated or lazy, it’s not that they lack motivation or drive, it’s that they’re focused on things we don’t care about. Dr. David Yeager (14:18.574): Exactly. The same parents who complain about their kids not doing homework or practicing the cello will find that their kids are excellent at planning how to sneak out to a party. That’s goal-directed behavior. Teenagers are incredibly good at setting and achieving goals. It’s like watching a 17-year-old Canadian win gold in swimming at the Olympics. Teenagers can absolutely focus when it matters to them, but their priorities are different. Our task as adults is to figure out what matters to them, which often comes back to social reputation or status—not in a superficial way, like social media likes, but in a deep, meaningful way. The question they’re asking is: How am I a valuable contributor in the eyes of people whose opinions I care about? And adults often don’t care about that; they just want compliance. They want kids to listen because we said so. That’s fine when they’re little and we need them to get their shoes on for school, but as they grow, we can’t expect them to simply obey without question. That doesn’t help them be the innovators we need for the future. Dr. Cam (16:01.181): It makes so much sense. When we project them into the future, do we want kids who just do what they’re told? We see this now in the workforce, where many complain that kids can’t think for themselves and only do the bare minimum. But it’s not because something’s wrong with them; it’s how we’ve raised them. Dr. David Yeager (16:25.014): Yes, we’ve done it to them. The emotional development of the brain is an experience-dependent process. If kids grow up thinking they should listen to adults without question just because they said so, they’ll either stop listening to anyone or, worse, they’ll become compliant without thinking. We’ve seen this problem in society, where people just pick a side and repeat what their team says without engaging in real discussion. What we need are young people who can think critically, consider nuanced alternatives, and apply them in their lives. If we raise kids like that, society will benefit greatly, not just in terms of parenting, but because those kids will become innovators who can solve the world’s biggest problems. Dr. Cam (17:27.263): Right. One thing that trips us up is perceiving their attempts to express their opinions or what’s important to them as disrespect. We shut it down and say, “You’re not allowed to say that.” I see this often, and I think it sends a harmful message that their opinion is wrong just because it differs from ours. That creates someone who can’t think independently. Dr. David Yeager (17:56.118) Yeah, I think the biggest confusion I see is around the word "respect" or "listen." This is influenced by Rosalyn Wiseman, a thoughtful parenting leader. When parents say "respect," they usually mean unquestioned obedience. When kids say "respect," they mean being heard and valued as real people. Same with "listening." When kids say, "Nobody listens to me," they mean nobody cares about their perspective or why they might have legitimate reasons for being reluctant. What I’d love is to have a shared definition of respect, where people are treated as adult-like humans with independent thoughts and feelings. The reason adults view it one way and kids view it another is due to the neurobiological incompetence model. If adults think young people can’t think, that they’re impulsive or short-sighted, then why would we care about their opinions? We assume we’ve already figured it out. But if we adopt a neurobiological competence model, where we see young people as adapting to culture before we are, understanding things we don’t yet see, it makes more sense to ask questions, listen, and see where they’re coming from. Dr. Cam (19:52.37) I love that. It explains so well that we need to value them as unique individuals with their own minds and needs, not as extensions of us who just need to do what we want. This is where I see a lot of friction between parents and teens. Dr. David Yeager (20:12.172) Yeah, there’s a study I talk about in the book where I look at a phenomenon I call "grown-splaining"—kind of like mansplaining, but it’s grown-ups telling kids what to do. The logic behind it is, "If only you would listen to my clear, logical reasons, you’d change." But that doesn’t work. In the study, they recorded moms nagging their teenage daughters and then put the daughters in an fMRI scanner to see what happens in the brain. What they found is that the logical reasoning regions of the brain actually go down. The anger regions go up, meaning the teenage girls are getting more frustrated. But what’s most interesting is that the social cognition regions of the brain, the areas related to understanding the meaning behind what’s being said, were less active. So when a teenager hears nagging, they’re not processing the reasoning—it’s like the words go in one ear and out the other. But this is situational—it’s about the tone of our voice, how we tell them what to do, and not involving them in the conversation. When we impose our goals and values without their input, they check out. But if we create a different context, we can see much better engagement. Dr. Cam (22:20.543) I want to flip this a bit because I can already hear parents asking, "So, should we just let them do whatever they want? Are we always wrong and they’re always right?" They’re worried about things like video games taking over their kids’ lives while homework or chores get ignored. These are real concerns. How do we address that? Dr. David Yeager (22:45.55) For sure. The wrong response is to say, "We should have no standards and let the kids run everything." That’s not what I’m suggesting. In my book, I talk about experts who work with young people, like the best manager at Microsoft for 20-year-olds or a top high school physics teacher. I also spoke with a coach who works with teenage NBA draft prospects. What they do is nothing like letting young people run wild. They have incredibly high expectations, but they provide the support for kids to meet those expectations. What we’ve learned is that there are two ways to get this wrong. One is what we call an "enforcer mindset," where the goal is to enforce high standards and leave the kids to meet them on their own. This can make parents come across as authoritarian—compliance might happen, but it’s not willful. The other extreme is the "protector mindset," where parents focus on protecting kids from distress and low self-esteem, leading to low expectations and kids walking all over them. The middle ground is the "mentor mindset." In this model, you have very high standards but also high support. This combination helps kids develop into meaningful contributors to society, able to follow rules but doing so because they understand the reasons and internalize the values. It’s not about dictating rules—it’s about helping them take ownership. I’ve seen this in action, and it works. There are many examples and practices from these mentor-leaders in the book, and fortunately, anyone can start applying them. Dr. Cam (25:24): So, give us some examples because I think there’s a very fine line to walk here. People really struggle with the difference between mentoring and controlling—or maybe more accurately, micromanaging. I see a lot of micromanaging, where parents think they’re helping and teaching. What’s the difference? Dr. David Yeager (25:48): Yeah. Well, I think if you hold a high standard for things like personal conduct—like cleaning your room or helping around the house—young people will complain. They don’t want to do those things. And the easiest way to stop the complaints is to just lower the standard. "Okay, fine, I’ll do it," right? I have four kids, so I get that. But sometimes, when we hold the standard, it turns into a shouting match. And we’re left thinking, “Who have I become?” What I’ve learned is a couple of things. One is that a big reason for complaints is that we’re often not transparent about why we’re holding the standard. We might just say, “Do this,” and when they ask why, we say, “Because I said so.” We don’t explain. But explanations show respect. If I asked you to do something for me without giving a reason, I’d come across like a jerk. I’d be manipulating you. But we talk to teenagers this way all the time, which would be totally inappropriate with other adults. The problem is that we still think they’re children, and they think they’re adults. So, there’s this two- to three-year gap in communication. They feel talked down to, and we feel like we’re being appropriate. So, sometimes, you can ask for the same thing but be clear about your intentions. Show them how what you’re asking will help them become a better person or contribute to their happiness. Transparency is one simple step. Another, a bit harder, but very important, is questioning. Instead of just telling them, try asking for their perspectives. Avoid questions like, “What were you thinking?” because that implies they weren’t thinking. Instead, show curiosity by asking authentic questions that invite them to share their reasoning. When you do this, they feel respected and heard, and they’ll often start telling you what you want. I’ll tell you, a lot of this comes from negotiation tactics, like those used in hostage situations. Sometimes talking to a teenager about going to a party feels like a hostage negotiation! And it turns out, the same tactics that work for negotiating with hostages also work with teenagers. Dr. Cam (28:51): That’s so true. The power of empathy and validating their feelings is key. We struggle with this because some people confuse it with agreeing with them. It doesn’t mean agreeing with their anger or frustration—it just means acknowledging that their feelings are real, which is non-negotiable. What they feel is what they feel. Dr. David Yeager (29:08): Exactly. Dr. Becky has a great phrase: the "most charitable interpretation." When your teenager does something frustrating, pause and try to think, “What’s the most charitable possible interpretation of this behavior?” Often, their behavior is just their way of seeking status and respect, either from you or from their peers. If you start with curiosity, trying to understand what they want, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But understanding them puts you in a better position to negotiate. The problem with negotiations is offering something they don’t want. If you understand what they want, you can offer a deal they’re more likely to accept. That’s often what it’s like talking to teenagers. Dr. Cam (30:03): I tell parents all the time, you might be offering a solution, but you’re solving for your problem, not theirs. Then, when they don’t agree with it, you get upset. That happens a lot. So, I know parents are still wondering, “How do we actually motivate them to do their homework?” Dr. David Yeager (30:21): Well, there’s 380 pages in the book on this! But I’ll say there are different reasons why they don’t do their homework. Sometimes it’s because the homework feels too hard, and they fear failure. They worry that trying hard will just expose their lack of ability, which is the fixed mindset in action. Another reason could be time pressure. If the homework is due the next day, they feel overwhelmed—racing heart, sweaty palms. That’s anxiety. In one paper I published in Nature a few years ago, we reframed difficulty. We showed that difficulty actually means you’re doing something ambitious. It’s a sign you care about something important. And those physical symptoms—the racing heart, the sweaty palms—are actually your body mobilizing resources to help you perform better. Your body sweats to cool itself down, and that helps you think more clearly. Your heart races to get oxygenated blood to your brain, which helps you think faster. So, reframing anxiety as excitement can help. There are other reasons they don’t do homework, like not seeing the point, but I cover those in detail in the book, with practical tools. Dr. Cam (32:16): That’s great. So, let’s break it down into the three key takeaways for parents—things they can use to connect better and understand their teen. Dr. David Yeager (32:37): Sure. The three main takeaways I’d suggest are: Tone and word choice matter in tough conversations. The difference between autonomy-supportive language and controlling language is huge. For example, saying “You might consider” or “Have you thought about this?” is autonomy-supportive. Saying “You should do this” or “You must do this” is controlling. Tiny changes in how we phrase things can make a big difference. Align your argument with their values. Often, we try to get them to care about things that don’t resonate with them. But there are values they care about that can align with your goals. For example, instead of saying, “You need to do your homework so you can get into a good college,” say, “This homework will help you build skills that you’ll need to solve real-world problems.” You can connect what they’re doing to a value they care about. Give yourself do-overs when you mess up. We’re all raised in a culture that’s been getting teenagers wrong for a long time. Don’t expect yourself to get it perfect every time. But it’s not like a failure that you can’t recover from—there are endless do-overs. I’ve started telling my kids, “I didn’t handle that the way I should’ve. I should have asked you about your reasons for not doing it. Can you share that with me, so we can figure it out together?” When you do that, they often forget the initial frustration, and you’re able to work through things together. Those do-over conversations get easier and faster over time. Dr. Cam (35:54): And those are great things to model for our teens. When we do it, they’ll start doing it for us. Most of the time, that’s what we’ve been trying to get them to do anyway! When we take control of ourselves and how we show up, everything changes. I could talk to you for hours more—there’s so much more I want to ask you. This has been so enlightening and interesting. But how can people find you, and tell us about your book? Dr. David Yeager (36:25): The book is called 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People . If you care about or know anything about young people ages 10 to 25, this book is for you. We want to stop the miscommunications and frustration that cause so much tension between generations. It’s available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Simon & Schuster. You can also get bulk discounts if you want to buy it for all your friends. I’m on LinkedIn, and you can find me through the University of Texas at Austin, where I have a professor website. Dr. Cam (37:06): What are you researching? Dr. David Yeager (37:10): I’ve always focused on kids in school—how they transition from middle school to high school, high school to college. Now, we’re thinking about the workforce. Are 20-year-olds entering workplaces where the managers know how to motivate them? And what about the 70% of kids who don’t go to four-year colleges? Do they have bosses who understand what young people need in terms of status and respect? Or are they stuck with bad jobs and bad managers? We’re looking at alternative pathways to the workforce, regardless of college education, and trying to help managers understand how to inspire and motivate young people. Dr. Cam (38:02): That’s amazing! And when they’re inspired, their employees thrive. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam 8ZJHwifRB1GNYHRMdzvw

Mar 13

In this episode, former CNN anchor Carl Azuz joins Dr. Cam to explore how to teach teens media literacy and critical thinking in today's news-driven world. Carl shares strategies for helping teens navigate bias, develop independent opinions, and manage anxiety caused by negative news. They discuss the importance of fostering open conversations, promoting respectful discourse, and exposing teens to diverse perspectives to encourage empathy and tolerance. Learn how to help your teen separate fact from opinion, engage in thoughtful discussions, and gain a broader understanding of the world around them. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to teach your teen to fact-check and recognize bias in media The impact of the news on teen anxiety and how to alleviate it Why open, respectful conversations about tough topics are vital The importance of exposing your teen to multiple perspectives to broaden their views How to shift the focus from negative news to solutions and positive stories 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Teach teens to seek information from multiple sources to avoid bias and develop critical thinking. Engage in open conversations, modeling respectful discussions and encouraging them to form their own opinions. Highlight positive stories and solutions to counteract anxiety from negative news. Expose teens to a variety of news topics and perspectives to foster empathy and understanding. Focus on starting with the facts, then exploring different perspectives without bias. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution—packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE The World from A to Z with Carl Azuz EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 - Introduction and Carl Azuz’s Background 03:02 - Teaching Media Literacy & Critical Thinking 08:00 - Navigating Bias & Multiple Perspectives 13:04 - Open Conversations & Respectful Behavior 18:08 - Alleviating Anxiety & Fear in Teens 23:46 - Widening World Perspectives & Fostering Gratitude CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Carl Azuz Website: www.theworldfromatoz.com X (Twitter): @CarlAzuzCNN CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.039) Are your teens overwhelmed by today's chaotic news cycle? Do you wonder how to help them separate fact from opinion in a world full of bias? Today, we've got Carl Azuz, former CNN 10 anchor and new creator of the world from A to Z. Here to share how we can teach our teens media literacy, civil discourse, and critical thinking. So let's dive in. Carl, welcome to the show. Carl Azuz (00:26.594) Hey, it's fantastic being here with you, Dr. Cam. Thank you for having me on. Dr. Cam (00:30.161) Absolutely. let's start. You were on CNN for a while and then you have started the world from A to Z. Can you tell us a little bit about that first and how did that become in how did that come into reality? Carl Azuz (00:43.022) Absolutely, I had spent my entire career at CNN up until about the fall of 2022. I was gonna say October is probably around September, October of 2022. I was recruited to work there right out of college. I'd studied video and film production, not specifically broadcast news, though the University of Georgia had a strong broadcast news major you could focus on. But CNN was recruiting. And I went for it because I'd been familiar with the network. I'd watched at home as I was growing up and everything. And I'd started at the very entry level two days after I graduated college. In fact, Ted Turner, who founded CNN, spoke at my college graduation coincidentally, and I didn't attend it because I was moving back to Atlanta to work for that man two days later. So that was like my little Ted Turner story, but everybody had one in those days. that was up. Dr. Cam (01:32.621) that's funny. Carl Azuz (01:38.126) You know, that was my career. I got on the air there and spent about 15 years on the air hosting CNN student news. It rebranded to CNN 10 around 2017. Then left the network in the fall of 2022. I freelanced for a year working with Sunlight Homeschool Curriculum, working with the Poynter Institute as a media ambassador, media literacy being my focus and did some public speaking. And then in the fall of 23, we launched the world from A to Z. And it's such an exciting thing because We are independently produced. We are able to cover the news. can cover whatever's happening, whatever the story of the day might be, whether it's here or abroad. We want it to be very international, because after all, it's the world from A to Z. But we are able to do that without any sort of partisan bias. And that's really my priority when covering anything controversial, anything political. I don't want the show to lean to the left or the right. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but is my intention to be as perfect as we can in, know, treating multiple viewpoints the same way without prioritizing one side over the other, especially when it comes to politics. Dr. Cam (02:49.543) imagine that's incredibly hard right now because everything is so completely at opposite ends. So how do you even do that? Where do you find middle ground? I don't even know where it is anymore. Carl Azuz (03:03.566) It's a challenge and I'm grateful to have had, you know, so many years of experience when I was training to write. I remember I had a really good piece of advice. and this was, this is many years ago. This is before I was even on the air, but I remember that there was an executive who sat down with us and said, don't just make sure every story is balanced. Make sure they're weighted the same. If you give a minute, 20 seconds to one political party and 15 seconds to the other, you could argue that you had balance. had multiple perspectives.but you're not weighting them the same. And so in those days, the priority was to have balance and weight. And so those are things I look for, but you, I mean, you hit the nail on the head. I mean, these are incredibly divided times and you know, folks in media, and this isn't a knock on any one network. This is media wide. People are increasingly telling news through blue or red tinted glasses. And so for us, you're right, it is a challenge. It is more challenging to write. today than it was when I started in news because so much of this information is either one sided or it's favoring one political partisan viewpoint over another. And so for me, it's like, well, look, I have an audience of students. I don't assume they watch the news every day. So my first thing is what are the facts? Just glean the facts. What happened? Is there a new law? What is it? What does it say? And then after you've established what's going on, why people care about it, why it's making news, then we can get into the different perspectives if there's time to talk about, okay, well, this is why supporters of this new law say it's gonna be great. This is why opponents of this new law say it's gonna be awful. But to try to do that in a way that doesn't land on one side or the other, so often, if we're doing a story that has a political, if it's politically charged, if on Monday we cover this story and I say, well, Democrats say this, Republicans say this, If we revisit that on Wednesday or Thursday, I'll flip the order so that no one party always has the last word. So they're all part of the strategies to start first with the facts, then get into different perspectives, but do so in a way that, look, I don't want people to think I'm leaning one way or another. The only way I can get our audience to trust this show and to back up what we say when we say we're nonpartisan is to make sure we're representing those different viewpoints in a way that doesn't favor one. Dr. Cam (05:03.511) I think one of the things that's really hard too is we as adults and as parents have a very polarized view at this point, even if we think we're, I think I'm in the middle. I think I'm rational, but I know I'm not, right? I know for a fact that there's no way I am, right? You kind of pick your side, I guess. I feel like everything has a side, but then what you consume and how you consume it all is done in a way that's towards what you already believe. It's not something where we're open to understanding other sides, right? There's a big issue with that. So how is parents, when we are, even if we want to admit it or not, when we're biased, how do we teach our kids critical thinking and to come up with their own opinions, which again, I think is really hard for parents because they want their kids to have their opinions. There was a lot in there. How do we teach our kids to think for themselves in a situation where it's very difficult to think for ourselves? Carl Azuz (06:34.338) Well, I don't think there's, personally don't think there's something wrong in a parent sharing, you know, his or her opinion with the child. But that said, when it comes to media literacy, I always encourage our audience to have multiple sources and multiple credible sources. If you go to social media, you look at TikTok and Instagram, some of these folks are very gifted. Some of them, you know, could be journalists or reporters, but there are a lot of people, because anyone can say anything at any time on social media, there are a lot of people who are just, holding up a phone and spouting off a bunch of opinions or maybe some facts that line up on one side of an argument, but ignore the other. And they're becoming incredibly influential. So I'm always telling folks, look, it helps to start with major news organizations you have heard of because a lot of those big organizations, they do have reputations to protect and they want to, as those that are established, they want to make sure that their viewers, their readers, their consumers are trusting them. But to have multiple sources. Never let one organization be all your source for news because as we've talked about as reporters who are human beings increasingly put their opinion or their bias into their reporting, these different networks, it's very difficult at that level unless your whole network has just said, we're going to just explore this side, this is going to be our approach. It's very difficult for them to be nonpartisan or objective when so many people there aren't. And so I'm always encouraging people, young people, have multiple sources, multiple credible sources, get your news from different places, regardless of whether you personally lean left or right, read from both sides. Because oftentimes, the overlap is where the truth is. And to extend that to parents, I would just encourage them to say, This is why I believe what I do. I mean, I think if parents are transparent, I think that that helps too to say, look, I mean, we're seeing these news, we're seeing these different viewpoints. This is what one side says, this is what another side says. But, you know, I personally believe this and you can make up your own mind. But I think that if parents and teachers did that, that conversation alone can help a student, a young person think critically because they are hearing multiple viewpoints, at least initially without judgment. And I think that's key to understanding. Dr. Cam (09:00.437) That is a very difficult thing to do these days is listen without judgment. feel like judgment is just woven into the conversations at this point. so being able to separate that and wanting our kids to grow up without like we're raising them, I feel like in this very separated world and they're learning to think that way. So how do we have a conversation with them that opens that up and says, okay, here's some signs that we can look at to know that this is very biased or here's some things to think about if you're thinking this way that you could be stuck in a bias, right? So what are some things we can teach them and ourselves? Carl Azuz (09:40.749) It’s kind of using my show as an example. If we're covering a controversial story and you're hearing multiple perspectives, I think one thing that helps is to ask them, okay, what did you get out of that? What different opinions did you hear about this subject? I think basically just establishing the fact that there are different arguments, there are different opinions, just to talk about, just in a conversation, I think gets, you know, kind of the wheels turning among young people. mean, one thing on our show, try to, you we want to encourage critical thinking. We want people who watch our show to consume our show to say, look, there are different views on anything and every human idea, human invention, human law, it has pros and cons. There are side effects to the things that we come up with and the solutions that people come up with. So I think that by watching our show, they'll get a sense of that, whether it's something politically controversial or maybe it's just a new initiative to use AI technology to test local bacteria levels and waterways. Okay, but who's paying for that? Will that impact water bills of people around? Just think in terms of broader, bigger picture so that when you hear about a new invention, So often I've seen my colleagues in the media get caught up in all the pros. you know, I remember in the early days of self -driving cars and as the technology was developing, you know, there were people who'd get caught up and say, this is the solution. It'll eliminate human error and it'll be greener and cleaner. It'll get everybody where they want to go. And there won't be any accidents and all that stuff. And then as the reality has played out, first of all, it's taken a lot longer than anyone thought to develop that technology. And then of course we've seen in some places where they've gone whole hog on these, there have been some problems, even in parking lots with the self -driving cars themselves at the end of the day, looking to park themselves and struggling with that. So I'm not saying I'm looking to dump on new ideas, but I'm looking to provide what supporters say is going to be great about it, and then what's the critical angle so that they can have those conversations. And extending that to parents, extending that to teachers, to be able to say, what are you getting out of this story? Did you hear something that it sounds like Here's a problem and here's the one solution and everything's all sorted out. So let's just do that. Or did you hear, wait a minute, some people are saying, let's pump the brakes on this. There are other angles, whether it's the cost of something, whether it's the impact, the side effects it has, like, you you've seen the advertisements for new medications and they always have this list of side effects they give. Correct. Exactly. It's fast, but at least it's there. And so the hope is, you know, to have a show that gives those multiple perspectives that could be used as a jumping off point for parents to say, okay, look, you heard one side that said this, but you heard another side that said this, and if possible, you know, bringing a whole bunch of viewpoints on it. But I want people to have discussions and to think critically about it. And I don't want folks to depend on any one media organization, including my own, as their sole source for information. I think that as people consider different perspectives, especially if those are presented without judgment, we're able to have a conversation about it. And now, I mean, as you and I have discussed, Dr. Kam, I mean, people aren't looking to converse. They're looking to say, this is the reason I believe this, and I want to shut you down. And I'm like, that's not helping the divide we have. That's not going to help us democratically, where, you know, throughout the past, we've always seen whether it's legislation, a new government initiative or whatever, it often moves forward with compromise because neither party has figured all this stuff out. And so hopefully in a small way, our show could be a jumping off point for those discussions. Dr. Cam (13:30.267) I love that and I think it's so important to realize that we are looking at, we have to look at multiple sources. And I think there's a lot of distrust with the media these days too. Why do you think that is? Carl Azuz (13:45.494) It's fascinating, you're exactly right in saying that. There've been a couple studies over the past couple of years that say Americans' trust in media is either at or close to a record low. So we have seen those studies over and over again. Personally, I believe, having spent my whole career in broadcast media, that it's because opinions have infiltrated broadcasts. And I think to some extent, you've got, again, this isn't a knock on any one network. This is media wide, but I think to some extent, different organizations want to serve specific audiences. They want to say, okay, well, we know that more people on the left or on the right are watching us and they're paying for us. So let's, cover news. That's exciting to them. You look at what you're fed on social media. That's meant to get your click. And so if Facebook, for instance, or TikTok or whatever, if it's learning about you that you always are watching something that's a rant against one party, it wants to feed you that to get the click and to help with their advertising and to show their advertisers that, we can drive you traffic that you're looking for. That's just the world we live in. And so that's why I'm always just like, don't have just one source. Make sure you are looking to other places so you're getting those contrasting viewpoints. Dr. Cam (15:09.707) When let's go into a scenario, because I've heard this a lot, where the parents have one very strong point of view and the teenager has a very strong point of view that is different from the parent. And there's multiple reasons why. I mean, there's a generational thing. There's just a, you're my parent, so I want to disagree with you. This can cause a lot of tension in a household and a lot of shutting down of kids because we're like, you're wrong, right? You're just wrong. I'm the adult, you're wrong. So how do we have these conversations with our kids when they're bringing up situations or saying arguments that just make our skin crawl because it's so opposed to what we believe in? How do we have that conversation? Because this is true with anybody, right? But I think it's really important to be able to do this with our team because we can't just unfollow our team like we do with a lot of people on social media. So how do we have these conversations where they become more productive and teach them to think critically and not just trying to convince them that we're right and they're wrong? Carl Azuz (16:15.758) think first and foremost, it's have the discussion, talk to the kids. mean, like there were a number of studies. I mean, when I was with CNN for a while, I did education reporting in addition to hosting CNN student news and CNN 10. And one conclusion that we saw in so many of these studies, whether it was, you know, risky behavior by teens or teens skipping school or teens dropping out or whatever, one thing we saw in all of these studies, I became a broken record, I was repeating myself, was that those young people who said their parents wouldn't really care either way were far more likely, always by double digits, to engage in the risky behavior, the controversial behavior or whatever it was. Whereas those students who said, my mom, my dad would totally freak out if they caught me doing this, were by double digits less likely. So what that taught me is that parents, teachers, you are influential, you have more influence than you might think you do, even if the kid, know, is contrarian, if we want to borrow a diplomatic term or if, you know, they're just antagonistic. You do have that influence. So I think first of all, is to have those conversations. Don't think, well, you know, so and so will just shut down or that's just how things are. And so I'm not even going to bring it up or I'm going to snipe at the child or the child's going to constantly snipe at me. So first, keep the lines of communication open. Second, I think to have a civil discussion in a way that says, listen, I understand where you're coming from. I understand maybe you've heard this or maybe they process, they're processing something they heard at school on TikTok, whatever it might be. And to say, listen, I understand why you would think that, but I want you to think bigger picture here because there is another viewpoint and that viewpoint says A, B and C, or there are side effects to making a law that says everybody must do this. And those side effects include D, E and F. And I think that conversations like that, especially if they're kept civil, help the child understand, okay, look, dad's not gonna agree with me on this, but I kind of see why other people are saying what they do. At least they were able to have that conversation. And so I think that, you know, that's an important starting point. And I think that goes beyond the parent kid relationship. I'd like to see a classroom, even if 29 students line up on one side of a controversy and one lines up on the other. I would hope that they could have a civil discussion at the end. Maybe nobody's opinion has changed. That's okay. But to also be able to see, I don't agree with you, dude. I can't see things the way you see them, but I understand where you're coming from. And I don't need to hate you because we're different in that viewpoint. Dr. Cam (18:57.017) How do we get there? I think we're modeling not that as adults. We're not modeling that behavior. And to teach it to our kids is a difficult thing when we're not modeling it. So I think being able to listen to somebody else's without feeling the need to convince, because I think we're stuck in convincing mode, right? So how do we even as parents listen to our teens' perspective? Because our team may have points that we don't know about because they're listening to other resources. I mean, they're tapped in too. Carl Azuz (19:30.147) Yes, sure they are. they have so it's not, you know, we're not in an era anymore where you have the family gathered around the evening news for half an hour and then discussing it. It's like people are being flooded with information from the moment they wake up and look at a screen. And so you're exactly right. The parents and teens are dealing with that. But again, I mean, I think that, you know, it comes back to what you're saying about modeling the behavior and there are a number of health reports that we've aired on the world from A to Z that discuss the importance of modeling behavior. you know, it's like, it starts with parents. It's fine for you to consume what you want to consume and have your opinion. But if all your child hears is you grumbling about a political party, can't believe they're doing this, you know, grumbling about a candidate all the time. Yeah, I mean, I think that that's It's not going to encourage the conversations that I think that folks need to be having in a civil way. So I totally agree. think that it does start with modeling that behavior. It does start with sitting down and just having conversations and saying, look, this is where I stand on this. And this is why, because of what, you know, what I grew up or what I saw are because of you and the future and all these other things, but it's all right if you disagree, but just understand that there are other opinions and try to respect them. I think if adults model respect, I think kids are more likely to be susceptible to it and hopefully model that themselves, hopefully have that themselves. But to respect the fact that there are other viewpoints, I think you're right, I think it starts with us. Dr. Cam (21:11.839) I want to hit another thing, Carl, that comes up a lot is, I mean, there's a lot of really horrific stories in the news. And like you just said, we're bombarded by it from everywhere and almost makes it sound like this is happening all the time everywhere, right? And so how do we help our kids? Because I've seen this a lot where teenagers now are far more impacted by what's going on in the news than we were growing up when we didn't have, you know, we didn't, had television and we just didn't watch it. And now it's like, you can't even avoid it. How do we help our kids who are actually struggling from anxiety and fear from all these stories that they're being bombarded by? Carl Azuz (21:56.738) That is an excellent question. The short answer again, I believe it's so important for parents and students, teens, children, whatever it might be, to converse, to talk about it. Open those lines of communication. Let them know if there's something that's bugging you, if there's something you're struggling with, talk to me about it. Feel like you can talk to me or another parent, a trusted aunt, whoever it might be. But first off, keep those lines of communication open. I think that's so important. And that's what we've seen. In news, mean, I'm not a psychologist, but we've reported on so many of these psychological studies and they're always like converse and be able to have civil discussions with students. I think that's first and foremost. Another thing too is look at the news sources. If you have a highly partisan organization that's trying to drive people to, and I mean, they do this in the left and the right. So I'm not like picking on one side or another, but they'll try to drive people. to fear and get out there and vote or else they're gonna take away your right to do anything. mean, there's so much of that, so much fear mongering in mass media that I think, you one thing that we try to do on our show is, okay, you know, like Mr. Rogers used to say, look for the helpers. And I'm sorry if I've misquoted that, but the general sense is there. But to find out what's being done to remedy these different things. I remember, you know, when I was reporting on the early days of COVID. I mean, we were, we didn't want to terrify our audience. I my audience in news is very unique and we're looking at middle school students, high school students, it's international. And so I don't want to terrify them. I want to give them a sense of the fact that yeah, there are problems in the world, but there are people working on those problems. If it's big scale geopolitical upheaval, it might help them to hear, there are other countries involved trying to get Russia and Ukraine to have peace talks, Israel and Hamas to have peace talks. But also when it comes to some of these stories, whether it's a new disease that's spreading or something like that, I'm not looking to be a fear monger in this. I'm looking to give them knowledge of the fact that, look, there are people who are finding solutions. There are new medicines being tested out, new treatments being tested out. Some people stay at home, drink a lot of water and that's helping. Whatever it might be, I wanna make sure to include the fact that there are efforts being taken to address the problems they see. And hopefully that'll alleviate a little bit of that anxiety. I'm not saying that we should put trust in every solution that people have instantly as the one size fits all thing. But I think it's important for students to know when they hear about bad things happening, even if it's a plane crash because of a technical problem, what's being done about it? What does the company say? Is the government investigating? Are there efforts being made to solve this and keep it from happening again. I think hearing that, as we always try to include on the world from A to Z, is something that can help with that anxiety. Dr. Cam (24:55.343) I love that Carl and I think that is such a great way to shift it from blame, know, the blame and the worry and it's this person's fault and that person's fault and if they had done that too, how are we solving it? Which then it's even can go a little step further and it's like, well, how can we, what can the two of us, me and you, what can we do? Is there anything we can do about it? Is there any groups that we can support? Is there anyone we can donate to? Is there anything? And now it turns into this proactive, have some control over something and I can do something towards the solution rather than just yelling at somebody that I think is to blame, which does nothing, right? And now I've got, I love that. That really creates that critical thinking. What else have I not asked that parents need to know about talking to kids about the news and being literate with the media? Carl Azuz (25:52.31) I mean, one thing I just, I always underscore is to just make sure that you are having those conversations. You do, as I mentioned, have more influence in so many cases than you think you do. And, you know, to encourage your student, look, if you see something on the news that troubles you, we can talk about it, but look for different perspectives on it. Look to see how different major news networks are covering topics. And one thing I think that's kind of fun to do, especially when it comes to major news networks, and this is, you know, whether it's CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, Fox News, whatever it might be, if you go online during a slow news day, there's not one big overarching international story, right? On a day when there's not a lot going on in the world, if you go online and you just click all the homepages, you can tell so much about these different news organizations and the stories that they prioritize tells you so much about where their leanings might be, where their priorities might be, what stories that they think people really ought to care about when there's not a big central event. And I think that that can help with students understanding students' media literacy, that these different networks bring different strengths and weaknesses to the table. I think that those are fascinating things. And I also think when it comes to news, and this is one thing I love about working on the world from A to Z is that it's not all politics. It's not all tragedy and war and gloom and doom and missing planes and horrible things. Yes. Well, in many cases it does. think, you I would argue for a student audience, you know, especially where teachers are the gatekeepers in a homeschool environment, parents are the gatekeepers. I would argue that they do want a variety. They want young people to see that there is a breadth. Dr. Cam (27:25.495) But that's what sells. Carl Azuz (27:42.7) to news that includes sometimes the news is some dude setting a Guinness World Record by bungee jumping off a bridge to dip a biscuit in tea. I mean, that was an actual Guinness World Record I reported on years ago. And so sometimes goofy things like that make news. Sometimes there's a dog that goes viral because it can't stop sneezing. And so like, you know, that's fun to look at. Sometimes there are events, you know, we've recovered a fashion show in a slum in Nigeria where the designer is like, I wanna open people's minds. I grew up in this slum. And now I wanna open people's minds up to the broader world. As a fashion designer, I'm able to have an outfit on the back of someone in a far flung place. And yet I'm showing that off right here in the slum where I grew up. We've had so many different international components and slice of life, cultural components that give students a sense of it's a big, broad, colorful world. And there are a lot of people doing things that might not directly impact laws in the United States and might not directly impact what you drive or the doctor you see or how you vote or whatever that might be, but they show you how people are coping. They show you how people are celebrating. They show you how people are interacting with each other. I think that's so important for students to see to have a well -rounded view of news and media in general. And also to kind of know that, you know, there are so many things going on outside our own bubble. And I think it's important for them to see that, that in some places, you know, well, there many countries where people aren't allowed to vote, or if they do, it's kind of rigged to begin with, okay, how are they coping? What are they doing? Do they have things they celebrate or festivals or, you know, events that they can get involved in? I think that a show that portrays all of that helps students just to kind of get outside their own community and their own locked mindset that we build around ourselves and to have hope. Dr. Cam (29:41.525) Yeah. I love that. And it gives them an opportunity to just widen their world perspective too, which makes us have more tolerance towards people that are different than us. And I think that's extremely important too, to see that and to balance because we do, if we just looked at the news and the stories, it would sound like the world is just shot and everyone is evil or weird. And that's scary, right? Instead of going, there's actually, that's a small percentage, hopefully, of what's going on. We're just focused on that, but there's so much more. Carl. Carl Azuz (30:14.168) Dr. Cam, I you raise a good point. And one thing I would add to that to kind of illustrate what we're talking about is in today's show, we had a story about Ukraine, obviously Ukraine and Russia being involved in a full scale war since 2022. And we can cover that big headline and many major media organizations will major on that headline, major on the violence, destruction and death and that sort of thing. We had a slice of life piece where Yes, we acknowledge that this has been going on and why it started and what different people say about it, but then it goes into students attending school underground. And what is that like? How are they coping? And obviously, how do you, there are no windows in the schools. They painted all the walls bright colors. They have teachers focusing and teachers teaching students, look, we have to do the best we can with what we have each day. This is it. This is a lesson. Let's focus on this. Let's learn. Let's get this education, despite the fact. that there might be bombs falling nearby above ground. It's an underground school. think just seeing that, seeing how people are coping in the worst of circumstances can hopefully inspire us in much better circumstances here in the United States where things are generally peaceful outside our doors. I think stories like that can make people grateful can help people see how others are coping, how other people, their lives are going on. They're still managing to get an education despite tremendous adversity they're facing in places like Ukraine or Afghanistan or anywhere else. And I think that just seeing that helps students get outside, maybe their comfort zone a little bit, but also, you know, the perspective they have every single day that, know what, maybe we should be grateful or this is better here or, you know, Obviously we're mad about all these politics and all these other things. There are some people who have it worse and yet are still getting an education like I am. I think that does something for a student's perspective. Dr. Cam (32:14.999) It's so important to get a perspective like that too, because I think it's very easy to compare yourself to the person right next to you and you forget that there's so much more going on in the world where even the person next to you, you've got so much more than so many other people. And I think it's hard to get that perspective. Especially again, when you're following on social media and everyone has more than you, you start feeling like you have nothing, right? That's hard. Carl Azuz (32:42.69) Right, absolutely. We are in two places. Our homepage is worlda -z .org. And that's where I think the bulk of our viewership is at worlda -z .org. We encourage people, you you can sign up for a daily email that gives you a newsletter. It just gives you a preview of what's coming in each day's show. Any announcements we have, like if we're off the air for Labor Day or something like that, we let folks know. So that's where you can watch the show. You can sign up for the newsletter. You can request a shout out for your class. Dr. Cam (32:43.691) So how do we find your show? Carl Azuz (33:12.938) And then we're also on YouTube at youtube .com slash at the world A to Z. You need that little ad in there, but it's youtube .com slash at the world A to Z. And that's where people can also subscribe and watch there. And if they subscribe, they'll get the little notification when each new show posts. But that's where, you know, we'd love to see you. We'd love to get your feedback, which you can send us through our homepage. And we love to hear how people are watching and consuming the world from A to Z. Dr. Cam (33:39.081) I love it. I'm going to show that to my daughter who's actually a news junkie. She tells me what's going on in the world because I am not a news junkie. But doing that, but even having something where at the dinner table you just say, hey, what interesting story came up. That's not like who got the most strangest, bizarre or happy story or anything like that would be fun and kind of teach kids to dig a little bit deeper too than just the headline. Carl Azuz (34:06.442) Exactly. One of the most gratifying pieces of feedback I've received is that, you know, when students are watching our show, parents will come to us and say, my kid can discuss the news at the dinner table. My kid brought up an event that happened in some far flung place that we were able to discuss at the dinner table. That is an incredibly fulfilling thing that I'm grateful to have heard more than once. And I You know, I'm excited to work on a show, grateful to work on a show like The World from A to Z that allows me to bring that to young people. Dr. Cam (34:39.637) That's great and such a better topic than how was school today. No kid wants to answer that question. Carl, thank you so much for joining us today. I really appreciate it. Carl Azuz (34:44.11) It's a start! It's a start! Carl Azuz (34:53.89) Dr. Cam, it's been a pleasure. Thank you and thank you for everything you're doing to help make things better. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #ParentingTeens #MediaLiteracy #CriticalThinking #DrCamCaswell

Mar 11

Is your high-achieving teen secretly battling self-doubt? 😔 Mental health expert Jason Phillips joins Dr. Cam—The Teen Translator—in this powerful episode to decode the hidden struggles of perfectionist teens. Learn how to support your teen without adding pressure, embrace failure as growth, and balance achievement with well-being. Get actionable strategies to build their confidence and foster a positive self-perception, as Jason and Dr. Cam unpack self-doubt, academic pressure, burnout, and teen anxiety. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why embracing failure might be the best thing you can do for your teen’s growth. How you can support your teen’s drive for success without adding to their stress. What role parents play in teaching healthy self-care and boundaries to their teens. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Failure is a Key Part of Growth: Allowing teens to experience failure in a supportive environment helps build resilience and emotional strength. Model Healthy Boundaries: Parents need to show their teens how to balance work and rest to prevent burnout and foster healthy habits. Validate, Don’t Solve: Instead of offering solutions right away, parents should listen and validate their teen’s feelings, which builds trust and connection. Give Teens Agency: Empowering teens by encouraging them to make decisions and advocate for themselves promotes independence and self-confidence. Maintain Your Own Identity: Parents should avoid losing themselves in their role as caregivers and should continue pursuing their own interests and well-being for a healthy family dynamic. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution—packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free Confidence Guide: stepstoconfidence.com Podcast: Peace and Prosperity Podcast (available on Apple, Spotify, and other podcast platforms) CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jason Phillips, LCSW Website: jasonlphillips.com Instagram: @JPhillipsMSW CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Self-Doubt in High-Achieving Teens 05:09 The Role of Failure in Teen Growth and Resilience 10:38 Balancing Achievement, Rest, and Mental Health for Teens 15:06 Building Teen Confidence and Self-Worth: Practical Strategies 20:11 The Pressure on High-Achieving Parents and Its Impact on Teens 25:34 Navigating Parental Involvement in High-Achieving Teens’ Lives 30:20 Modeling Healthy Behaviors for Teens: Leading by Example 35:39 Encouraging Positive Self-Perception and Self-Esteem in Teens About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam: Welcome back, parents! Today, we're diving into how to support high-achieving teens through self-doubt and burnout. Many teens push themselves to the limit but still feel like they aren't measuring up, even though their parents see their amazing potential. It's frustrating when parents try to help, but their words seem to have the opposite effect. To help us unpack this, I’ve invited Jason Phillips, a therapist and mental health expert who specializes in guiding high achievers to overcome self-doubt and build real confidence. Jason has worked with Fortune 500 companies, law firms, and universities, and today he’s here to help us understand how to support our teens through perfectionism. Welcome, Jason! Jason Phillips: Thanks for having me, Dr. Cam. I'm excited to have this conversation! Dr. Cam: So, Jason, tell us about your journey. How did you end up focusing on helping high achievers? Jason Phillips: It really happened organically. After graduating from the University of Michigan, I worked with military populations at the Ann Arbor VA and later served as the clinic chief at Fort Bragg. Over time, I noticed that corporate executives and leaders were drawn to my approach because I specialize in helping them overcome anxiety. That led me to helping high achievers break free from self-doubt and build confidence. Dr. Cam: That’s amazing. It’s so ironic that high achievers often struggle with self-doubt. From the outside, they seem so confident, yet many of them are riddled with anxiety. I see this a lot with the teens I work with, too. They’re getting straight A’s and excelling, but they still feel like they’re not enough. Their parents tell me that no matter how much they express their love and support, it doesn’t seem to help. So, where do you think this drive for achievement comes from? Jason Phillips: A lot of it comes from external pressures—parents, teachers, peers. I can relate to that pressure myself. I was a high achiever growing up, constantly pushed to excel. While straight A's were celebrated, they came with their own anxiety, because I felt like I couldn’t ever drop below that standard. External pressures, even from well-meaning sources like teachers and family, can make teens feel like they have to be perfect. That’s often where the self-doubt begins. Dr. Cam: That’s such an important point. Parents want to encourage their teens and help them live up to their potential, but the way they say things can sometimes have the opposite effect. How can parents motivate their teens without adding pressure? Jason Phillips: The key is to make room for failure. When we constantly tell our teens how great they are, they might think anything less than perfection means they’re failing. Allowing them to fail is essential, as it helps them see that mistakes are just part of the learning process. They need to understand that not being perfect doesn’t mean they’re not enough. Dr. Cam: I love that. It’s one thing to allow failure, but I try to encourage my teen to embrace it. The idea is that failing at something difficult means you’re pushing beyond your comfort zone, which is where true growth happens. So, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about challenging yourself and learning from those challenges. What do you think about that approach? Jason Phillips: Absolutely. Embracing failure is one of the best ways to help teens develop resilience. By pushing themselves outside their comfort zone, they’ll encounter setbacks, but that’s where growth truly occurs. It’s about focusing on what you tried, not just whether you succeeded or failed. Dr. Cam: Exactly! And that mindset shift can make all the difference. Thanks so much for sharing this insight, Jason. It’s such a helpful perspective for parents trying to support their teens. Jason Phillips: I don't know if you're into exercise or weightlifting, Dr. Cam, but there's this term where you'll ask, how many reps are we doing? Ten, twenty? And sometimes it's until failure, which means pushing yourself until you can't anymore. Jason Phillips: Because we know that's when the growth happens. It's not in staying in a comfort zone. I want you to push yourself to failure until you just can't do anymore. Jason Phillips: And then we've got kids who are constantly pushing themselves and never feel like it's enough. How do we balance that, where it's okay to be just okay and not amazing at everything? How do we communicate that without making them feel like we just think they're okay? Jason Phillips: It goes back to balance. As much as we want to push to failure, we also need time for rest. We can't just go, go, go, or we'll get exhausted and burned out. We need to carve out time to relax, watch TV, play video games, or sleep in. Jason Phillips: Make sure you're not just filling your calendar with things you have to do. You can put so much on there and never feel done. Dr. Cam: I want to emphasize that because I see a lot of parents who don't understand why their kids feel that way, but when you look at their schedules, they're packed. Every time the kids try to relax or scroll through TikTok, they hear, "You're being unproductive." Dr. Cam: You can't do that. If you have time for that, you have time for this. You should be doing this, doing that. We have this belief that we need to be productive 24/7, and that’s exhausting. It leads to burnout. We need to prioritize sleeping in and taking naps. Why is that so hard for us to prioritize? Jason Phillips: For high achievers, it’s almost like feeling guilty—what am I missing or not doing? You're good at so many things, but just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. We need to incorporate rest, too. Parents need to be mindful and let kids pick a couple of things, but not everything. Jason Phillips: Parents really have to model that same confidence and boundaries. If mom and dad are constantly stretched thin, saying yes to everything, how can we expect our kids to do otherwise? When we model it, it's much easier for them to follow. Dr. Cam: Yeah, modeling is huge. And when we see our kids doing different things, we often need to look in the mirror and ask, "What are we modeling?" Often parents say, "My teen is amazing, but they have no self-esteem. They think they're not good at anything." How do we help them see their value when anything we say gets an eye roll? Jason Phillips: One thing I encourage is asking your teen what they could help someone else do. How could they mentor someone younger? That often builds genuine self-confidence. The second thing is to give less advice. Instead, listen more to figure out where the disconnect is. Dr. Cam: That’s so important and one of the hardest things for parents because we have so much wisdom to share, and we finally have an audience—but they don’t want to hear it. It’s frustrating. Dr. Cam: Instead of getting frustrated, be thrilled that your kid feels confident enough to figure it out on their own. That’s a plus! So, what do you think about asking your teen for advice? Jason Phillips: Yeah, it’s a huge plus. It builds trust. When you ask your teen for advice, it shows them that their thoughts are valued. It lets them know they have something insightful to add to the conversation. Teens probably have a lot of wisdom we’re not tapping into, and by listening to their advice and implementing it, it does wonders for them. Dr. Cam (15:06.54) The ability to not have to be right all the time as a parent is a real strength. I talk to kids who say, "My parents would rather die than admit they're wrong." That behavior is modeling the very fear our kids have: that you have to win. Jason Phillips (15:39.395) It gives them a voice. When we listen to our kids and ask for their input and follow what they say, it lets them know that what they say matters. Dr. Cam (16:07.726) Yeah, that is so key, and we don't have to agree with it. Jason Phillips (16:12.051) No, we don’t have to. It can start small—asking, "What do you want to eat?" or "What movie should we watch?" Not always having to control everything. Dr. Cam (16:22.595) Yeah, giving them a lot of agency is really important. Parents often say, "If I don't micromanage, they won’t do as well, and that hurts their self-esteem." But when you put the responsibility back on them, they understand they have to do things for themselves. Jason Phillips (16:59.755) It’s about building confidence. I remember my mom telling me to ask the teacher for help or ask a waiter questions. At the time, it was nerve-wracking, but it helped me advocate for myself. Dr. Cam (18:08.974) That's something really big with my daughter too. She has always been part of the conversation and voiced her thoughts, which has helped her value what she says. Jason Phillips (18:24.503) Right here. Dr. Cam (18:37.512) She’s very good at advocating for herself now. It took time, but it’s made a difference. When we say stepping back will hurt their self-confidence, it’s managing our own fears about how they’re feeling. Jason Phillips (19:12.683) Right. When you let them fail and be themselves, you're not coddling them but allowing them to learn on their own. Dr. Cam (19:50.862) Let’s talk about high-achieving teens and parents. There's a lot of pressure on parents to be high achievers too. Jason Phillips (20:11.413) Parents are often juggling too much—work, clubs, and kids’ extracurriculars—and then feel exhausted. They may not realize they’re not modeling what they want for their kids. Dr. Cam (20:14.894) What do you see with that? Jason Phillips (20:40.885) They don’t set boundaries and end up feeling burned out. When you look at their lives, they’re involved in everything—president of clubs, treasurer in groups. But they don’t have time to give 100%. They can’t model balance when they’re overwhelmed. Dr. Cam (21:42.358) Right. And parents often say, "My kid won’t do it," when it comes to sharing responsibilities. That’s another topic, but it’s important. Jason Phillips (21:54.903) Absolutely. Dr. Cam (22:10.378) There’s this belief that parents need to push, push, push, and kids should adopt that mentality too. Where does that mentality come from? Jason Phillips (22:27.287) It’s not healthy. Kids can only handle so much, and when they push back, they may act out. As adults, we can manage our emotions better, but kids don't always have the tools to do that. Dr. Cam (23:24.856) Right, we can’t make up for our past by pushing our kids to do what we didn’t get to do at their age. Jason Phillips (23:25.259) Exactly. Kids shouldn’t be expected to live out our unfulfilled dreams. Dr. Cam (24:01.046) It’s unfair because parents are taking over their kids’ lives and not letting them live their own. Jason Phillips (24:16.405) I spoke to an adult who said their parent was so overbearing with their golf that it hurt their experience. Parents were living out their dreams through their kids, and it wasn’t healthy. Dr. Cam (24:56.27) Yeah, it's tough to know where to draw the line between being involved and overstepping. How do we balance caring and supporting without taking over their lives? Jason Phillips: You can show up, but you don't have to show out. Be present for your kid’s activities, listen when they share their day, whether it's good or bad, but don't try to solve all of their issues. Overstepping happens when you try to be a part of their team or get overly involved in things at school. We’re the adults—we’ve lived through our teenage years, and they’re different from now. Step back and give them space. If you smother them, it could cause problems, even bullying. Dr. Cam: Yeah, it’s really tough. I think when we’re high achievers ourselves, we tend to extend that expectation to our kids. As parents, we see their successes as ours. So, if our kids aren’t high-achieving, straight-A, go-go-go kids, how do we not feel like we’re not pushing them hard enough? Jason Phillips: I always tell people to run your own race and stay in your own lane. Think of a track race—everyone has their own lane. If you’re looking over at someone else, you can trip up or slow down. Focus on what’s in front of you, and feel good about it. Comparing yourself and reflecting on what you didn’t do gets you into dangerous territory. Stay in your lane, run your race, and be proud of it. Dr. Cam: Yeah, staying in your lane—not just with other parents, but with your teen too. Let them run their race and cheer them on, but let them do their own thing, right? Jason Phillips: Exactly. Think back to when we were younger and our parents would comment on our music or clothes. We’d get upset, thinking they were outdated. Now, here we are, and sometimes I feel like I don’t get the music anymore. My wife teases me about it, and I admit, I’m outdated. Dr. Cam: Right, and that’s the thing. When we’re focused on what our teens are doing, we can lose focus on how we’re showing up for them. Jason Phillips: Yeah, sometimes we focus too much on living through our kids. We forget that we also need to live our own lives. When we’re confident in our careers, relationships, and identity outside of being parents, we model that for our kids. They’ll see that being a parent doesn’t mean sacrificing everything else in life. Some parents lose their social life, prayer life, and sense of self once they have kids. That’s not healthy for either the parent or the child. Dr. Cam: Right, kids don’t want you around all the time. If you’re overbearing, you risk creating an enmeshed relationship. Jason Phillips: Exactly. Kids need their space, too. Dr. Cam: Yeah, and one of the best things is when my daughter tells me, “I’m so proud of you, mom, for what you’re doing.” It’s a reminder that we’re both cheering each other on, doing our own things, rather than being too enmeshed. Jason Phillips: Yeah, it’s great when both of you are thriving in your own ways. Dr. Cam: Right, and some parents might feel they don’t have time for their own activities. But I always tell them: stop micromanaging your teen and spend some of that time doing something fun for yourself. You’ll enjoy it, and your teen will appreciate it too. Jason Phillips: Exactly. Pick one thing you used to love doing—whether it’s dancing, bowling, or reading—and do it. Show your teen that you have interests outside of them. You’ll become more interesting to them, and they’ll see you as a well-rounded person, not just a parent. Dr. Cam: Yeah, it makes you more interesting, and they’ll want to talk to you more because you have something unique to share. Kids don’t want to talk about their stuff with parents all the time—it gets tough. Dr. Cam: One last question. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down—saying things like, “I can’t do this, I’m not good at this”—how do we respond as parents? Jason Phillips: Yeah, that’s tough. Jason Phillips (32:56.663): Before we start giving them positive affirmations, I want us to build a stronger connection with that teen. You want them to be able to really open up to you and trust you. You want to be that safe space. Let me share the LOVE acronym. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down, first, listen. The L is for listen. Listen to what they're saying because there may be some disconnect. If they say they're not good at something, you can highlight all the awards and trophies, but you can’t do that first without listening. Be objective. Don’t put so much pressure on what they're saying. Don’t judge whether it’s bad or good. Listen objectively and have a neutral space. The V is for validate. You want to validate their feelings and thoughts. If they feel a certain way, don’t try to immediately take it away or say it's nonsense. Maybe they’re having a hard day or feeling insecure. Validate that with empathy. Once you do that, they’ll be in a place where they can be more vulnerable, and then you can point out what they’re missing. They might be putting a lot of pressure on themselves and thinking they're not enough. Dr. Cam (33:43.278): That’s so key. A lot of parents immediately respond with, "What do you mean? Yes, you are! You can do this. Look at all the awards!" They’re trying to give evidence that it’s not true. But what happens is they completely invalidate what the teen is saying, which often leads to the teen thinking, "You have to say that because you're my parent." If your teen says something like that or rolls their eyes, it’s a sign you need to go to the LOVE approach. Jason Phillips (34:52.022): Exactly. If someone immediately tries to combat what I say, I'll get defensive. For example, if you tell me, "Jason, that shirt is the best shirt I've ever seen," I’d probably say, "No, it's not. I have better ones." High achievers are often not great at accepting compliments. We point out our imperfections. Dr. Cam (35:28.396): That brings up another point. Many people mistake humility for putting themselves down. We're taught that the proper way to talk about ourselves is to put ourselves down. This creates a cycle of low self-esteem. How do we help teens see the good in themselves without making them feel like they’re becoming egotistical? Jason Phillips (36:35.413): Two things I would suggest: First, understand where it’s coming from. For instance, if you hear your child say something like, "I'm so stupid" or "I keep messing up," ask them, "What makes you say that?" Help them walk through how they arrived at that conclusion. Don’t dismiss their feelings; instead, try to understand the reasoning behind it. Secondly, encourage them to practice saying good things about themselves. It’s like an elevator pitch where they get to talk about themselves in a positive way. We're often uncomfortable because we’ve never been taught to do it. We're so used to others speaking highly of us, but we haven’t taken the time to say something positive about ourselves. It's not bragging; it's just being honest. Dr. Cam (38:27.426): That’s so important. Instead of saying, "I'm proud of you," I say, "You must be so proud of yourself." The focus is on them feeling proud of their own achievements, not just making me proud. This helps them take ownership of their success. Jason Phillips (38:33.495): It’s the idea of, "I want you to take care of you for me, and I’ll take care of me for you." Dr. Cam (39:03.671): That’s a great way to end. Parents, that's beautiful advice. Jason, how can people find you? Jason Phillips (39:13.089): They can find me on all social platforms at @JPhillipsMSW. My website is jasonlphillips.com. I also have a free confidence guide at stepstoconfidence.com, and they can listen to my podcast, the Peace and Prosperity podcast, available on Apple, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts. Dr. Cam (39:25.792): Thank you so much for joining us today, Jason. Jason Phillips (39:47.72): Thanks, Dr. Cam. Appreciate you having me. #HighAchievingTeens #TeenConfidence

Mar 4

In this heartfelt and insightful episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and host of the "Just Breathe" podcast, to discuss the journey of parenting an LGBTQ+ teen. Heather shares her personal experience with her son Connor’s coming out at 16 and how it inspired her mission to support parents of LGBTQ+ teens. In this conversation, Heather offers valuable advice on how to navigate your emotions, avoid common pitfalls, and create a safe, inclusive space for your teen. What You'll Learn in This Episode: Why your LGBTQ+ teen is often already sure of their identity when they come out—and what that means for you as a parent. The #1 question you should never ask your LGBTQ+ teen (and what to ask instead). How to support your LGBTQ+ teen through their coming out journey without unintentionally causing harm. Why your teen’s social media activity isn’t “influencing” their identity, but rather helping them find community and support. The importance of processing your own emotions with trusted friends or professionals, rather than relying on your teen for emotional support. Top 5 Takeaways for Parents of Teens The most important thing parents can do is provide unconditional love and support, making home a safe space for their LGBTQ+ teen. Parents should process their own emotions and questions with professionals or trusted friends, not with their child. Social media isn't "influencing" teens to be LGBTQ+; it's helping them find community and understand themselves better. When you make mistakes (like using wrong pronouns), acknowledge them simply and move on without making a big deal about it. Focus on who your child is as a whole person rather than fixating on their LGBTQ+ identity Enjoying the Show? Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Podcast: Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen (available on all podcast platforms) PFLAG: https://pflag.org/ Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ GLAAD: https://glaad.org/ Connect with the Guest: Heather Hester: Website: https://chrysalismama.com Instagram: @chrysalismama TikTok: @chrysalismama Connect with the host: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam Chapters 00:00 Navigating the Challenges of Raising LGBTQ+ Teens 02:59 The Journey of Acceptance and Support 05:58 Understanding the Coming Out Process 09:05 The Importance of Unconditional Love 12:02 Addressing Parental Concerns and Misconceptions 15:03 The Role of Social Media in Identity Formation 17:51 Creating a Safe Space for LGBTQ+ Teens 21:03 The Path to Resilience and Acceptance 22:54 The Importance of Self-Education 25:04 Navigating Identity and Relationships 28:50 Understanding Loss and Expectations 30:32 Fluidity in Identity 33:14 Challenging Social Norms 36:01 Embracing Authenticity 39:12 Letting Go of Control 42:17 Supporting Resilience FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.402) Welcome back, parents. Raising a teen is tough, but raising an LGBTQ+ teen comes with its own unique challenges. How do you create a safe, supportive space where your teen feels seen, heard, and empowered? Today, I'm joined by Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and host of the Just Breathe podcast. With two LGBTQ+ kids of her own, Heather understands the importance of showing up with love, unlearning bias, and embracing the messy journey of parenting with pride. Hi, Heather. Heather Hester (00:44.509) Hi, it's great to be here. Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:47.016) Of course! I love starting with a backstory. What inspired you to support parents of LGBTQ+ children? Heather Hester (01:03.539) The short answer is having one, then two of my own. When my first came out, it was eight years ago—time flies. He was 16, the oldest of four, and we had no idea it was coming. The first 18 months were really rocky for him and for us. We struggled to find resources and support. Once we got through that, I realized that there were thousands of other families going through the same thing. I had to do something about it. So, I started a website to share the resources I found, like PFLAG, the Trevor Project, GLAAD, and others. From there, it grew. When he graduated and was about to go to college, I thought starting a podcast might help reach more people, and it’s been such a rewarding experience. Dr. Cam (03:14.955) That's amazing. Heather Hester (03:26.227) The podcast has allowed me to connect people with wisdom to an audience of parents and allies hungry for information. Dr. Cam (03:42.338) I love that. Turning your story into help for others is so powerful. What went through your mind when your son first came out? Heather Hester (03:57.507) It was a defining moment. My son came out in a dramatic way, running away while my husband and I were out of town. It was terrifying. I had been raised in a very conservative Christian home, so my initial reaction was, "There's no way my child is going to hell." That led to the realization that I had a lot to learn. The first thing my husband and I did was ask, "What does he need from us?" We had no idea where to begin. The first 30 minutes were a blur, and we realized we were completely underprepared. Dr. Cam (05:55.096) What advice can you offer parents just starting on this journey? Heather Hester (06:15.399) We tend to overcomplicate things, but the most important thing is to show your child unconditional love. They need to know we’ve got their back no matter what. Everything else comes from that space. Heather Hester (she/her) (15:03.131) Yes, that’s a very common concern. I have two thoughts on that. First, it’s great that our kids now have access to find their people. When we were growing up, the reason many of our peers didn’t come out was because they didn’t know where to find others like them. They didn’t know who was safe to talk to or come out to. Now, with social media, they have that access. Dr. Cam (15:38.51) All those connections. Heather Hester (she/her) (15:38.51) Exactly. It can be a double-edged sword, though. Yes, social media has its dangers, but this access allows kids to find the communities they need. It helps them connect with others who understand their experience, even if those connections are online at first. Dr. Cam (15:56.036) Right, and I think that fear parents have of social media influencing their child to "join a trend" is more rooted in a misunderstanding. It’s not about jumping on a bandwagon—it’s about their child coming to terms with who they’ve always been, just having the words or the space to express it now. Heather Hester (16:14.001) Yes, exactly. And it’s important to remember that when a child comes out, they’ve often been thinking about it for a long time. They’ve already processed it in ways we may not have been aware of. And when they finally open up, they’re not looking for validation or attention—they just want to be seen for who they truly are. Dr. Cam (16:28.365) Right. The idea of this being a "phase" can be damaging. It diminishes their experience and makes them question themselves. That’s why it’s so crucial for parents to approach this with openness, trust, and patience. Heather Hester (16:42.303) Exactly. The last thing they need is for us to minimize their experience. They’re already dealing with a lot, and our job is to support them, not make them feel like they have to prove themselves our kids are able to find community and they are able to look at others and say, like they see representation, they see themselves and they're like, that's how I feel on the inside. Like I'm not alone in feeling that way. And so it's very validating for who they are and it helps give them the courage then to come out to you, right? To come to you and say, this is who I am, right? I had another thought on that and now it's going away. I'll have to circle back to that. Dr. Cam (16:35.182) One thing as you, yeah, one thing when you're thinking about that too, and I think we find, I actually think that's a bigger plus of the social media talking to teens. A lot of them have found that that has actually saved their lives because they have found community and support where they can't find it in real life. The other thing is from what I hear too is that it's not that they come to them and change their mind. It's that they find the people that they relate to and then explain who they are. And that's why they're drawn. So parents see it as a cause this way. And really it's a cause of I'm finding you because I already feel this way. And now you're explaining to me how I feel and showing that I'm not alone and that there's others like me. And so you're not changing me. You're helping me accept me. And that's what I see a lot. Heather Hester (17:05.885) Correct. Correct. That is a thousand percent correct. And that was so beautifully the way you just said that was perfect because that is it. That is it. I kids are, and I think about, know, even going back to Connor, which was 2017, a while ago, but that he was out there because he felt he couldn't come to us. He was so scared to say anything to anyone that he was looking things up. He was trying to get answers to the questions of, this is how I'm feeling. And we want to be part of that process because the flip side is there are a lot of dangerous things out there. There are a lot of dangerous people out there who are preying on our kids. So if we are not having these conversations with them and and acknowledging like, this is actually a great thing that you've found this community and you've found these people where you do feel like it is so validating of who you are and where you can ask questions because there are a lot of questions that we can't answer as cisgendered, know, straight people. So that is a great, great thing. And we want to make sure it's safe. So that's, again, a reason to have that open communication to encourage like, okay, hey, I'm learning right along with you and I want to know and this isn't a bad thing at all. Dr. Cam (18:59.554) Yeah, I think as you're saying this, we come from a place of wanting to keep them safe by trying to talk them out of it. When that is actually shutting them down and in a way becoming their number one bully because we're turning away who they are. And it prevents us from being able to help protect them because now they don't trust us. Rather than saying, okay, this is who you are. How do you be who you are out in the world? and how do you keep yourself as you out in the world? And one thing you will always, always know is that I've got your back. And man, that is what helps kids make it through mentally because we go, my gosh, this has such a negative impact on their mental health. Well, the number one reason is when their parents reject them is why. So if we accept them, we can help them become more resilient. Heather Hester (19:50.003) Correct. Correct. Dr. Cam (19:56.472) to the people that aren't gonna accept him. And yeah, there's gonna be a lot of people out there that are going to be cruel. We just don't wanna be one of them. Heather Hester (20:03.751) Yes, correct, correct. And realizing our speech, there's a lot of work that goes into changing our speech and the words that we use that we don't even realize are hurtful or harmful. And I think that can be very difficult to, there's a lot of work that we have to do as parents and unlearning some of those, very deeply ingrained either beliefs or slang that we use, all of these things that we now, it is very important to your point to be aware of, to shift so that we aren't that bully, so we aren't that reason that our child is struggling with mental health because...they do have the world that's gonna come at them. So they need their home, their parents, their people to be, this needs to be like the safety nest, like 100,000 % safe, open, and just this warm, cozy place that they learn then how to build the resilience and build those tools that they're gonna need to go out in the world and handle all the things that come at them. Dr. Cam (21:33.142) Yeah. And I think, and we mentioned before, and I'm like replaying stuff that has happened, you know, in my life as well with being curious and wanting to show support without question, but also being a little selfish in asking questions and depending on them to relay my, to inform me and to educate me and being offended if they took what I said the wrong way and saying, well, that's not what I meant, rather than going, let me go learn as much as I can. And let me ask you if I can ask questions, because I do have questions that I want to understand. And also making it all about that. And all of a sudden, was their identity became just about that for a while while we settled in. which was unfair and I'm glad we're past that point where that's not the identity. But it was for a long time and I feel bad about that because I know a lot of it was me because of my curiosity. So how do we support them, show them we support them, but allow them to be them without making it all of it? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Heather Hester (22:54.503) All of it, yeah, absolutely, 100 % of their identity, absolutely. Well, I think you already really kind of hit the really important parts, which are go do your own work, go do your own learning, figure out the places. There's so many books, websites, articles, professionals that are factual. And that's also another very important piece of this is really that I've worked really hard these past eight years to like the facts. Like that's what I've been, I just want to know what is factual, what is true, what is correct, because there is a lot of stuff out there, right? So doing that work on your own. And then again, to your point, coming to them and asking, you know, saying, I have been learning, I've been reading, and I have questions. Is it okay if I ask you the questions? Are you okay with answering some questions? I know it's kind of weird. Whatever your, I mean, your relationship is going to shift and grow in a way that you never imagined it would, I promise you, and in such a great positive way. I will also say that it is very normal for both your child and for you to go, there is a piece of this like, coming out process that is the identity is 100%. They are gay, are bi, they are non-binary, are fill in the blank, right? And that is super normal that there is a time where everything revolves around that because they're trying to get their footing and we're trying to get our footing. I think the fine line in there, the happy space in there is that we're allowing them to kind of bounce around and do their figuring out. And while also knowing that we are a safe space for them to come to that we are happy to get the supports in place that they need. Right. And we are doing our own work. Right. So they're not failing this extra like, I've got to take care of mom. Like mom's going to come ask me a hundred questions today. You know, that whole, we do not want that. Dr. Cam (25:13.76) Yeah, I think the big one and I know what helped me a lot was to focus more on the nephew I've always known and the person I've always known rather than this new piece of identity, but focus on them. And so that is really, and it was hard at first because it was hard to see past this new, because my mind had to shift. a lot and old brains are harder to shift. My daughter used to get so mad at me because I would muggle up and just use the wrong pronouns all the time and my daughter would get so mad at me because she changed like that. I'm like, I'm struggling. I'm trying so hard. And so I said to my nephew, I go, please, I'm going to mess up. I know I'm going to mess up. Heather Hester (26:08.093) Absolutely. Dr. Cam (26:10.488) pointed out and they said, he said, just don't make a big deal out of it when you do. Like you don't have to make a big deal out of it. Just go on and it's fine. Because I would be like, my God, I'm so sorry. And they're like, don't, don't, just go on. Heather Hester (26:24.691) Right. Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly, exactly right. And I think people are, you know, they would much rather that we try and make mistakes and, you know, mess up than not try at all, then just shut down, then just like be so afraid of, and they are, especially if they're teenagers, they're going to get impatient and they're going to snap at us, but they're going to do that regardless. Like this isn't because they're gay, they're snapping at us because they're teenagers and that's what teenagers do. Exactly, like this is, they are learning all of these developmentally like things that every teenager goes through, Developmentally. And on top of that, they're learning how to manage their sexual orientation or their gender identity on top of that. So there's a lot going on. Dr. Cam (27:01.518) They're learning to regulate their emotions. Heather Hester (27:23.505) that holding space for that and allowing them just to be messy and all of that is really important and such a great thing. like it's not a lot, but it is so much to be able to do that. And you had said something about at the beginning of that. I don't remember what it was. It was something that triggered a thought, but it was so good on how to respond and how to kind of, guess, again, hold space for your person and just recognize that they are growing and changing and going through all of these things all at once. So not being overly sensitive to, yeah. Dr. Cam (28:05.677) I was gonna say because the other thing is, and I was talking about the pronouns, there's pronouns, name changes, the pronouns went through a phase of different, like there was a phase of different pronouns being used and things like that and names and things like that. And parents I see will roll their eyes, they'll get offended, well that's the name I gave you, I'm not gonna change that, that I'm mourning the loss of. Heather Hester (28:38.023) Yes. Dr. Cam (28:50.488) How do we navigate and those feelings are real and that sense of loss is real. You raised a straight boy for years and now all of a sudden your child is not a straight boy, right? And so you do mourn the loss of that and what your, but it's not a loss of your child. It's a loss of your expectations of that child. So let's be real first of all. Heather Hester (28:57.318) Absolutely. Dr. Cam (29:19.884) Those expectations were not fair and might not have lived out anyway. So how do we let go of these expectations in that feeling of loss without putting it on our kids? Heather Hester (29:24.083) Correct. So completely normal. And I think absolutely necessary, actually, to go through, I call it the movie reel, the explosion of the movie reel, because that's how I visualized it in my head when I realized what was going on. And it is such a normal thing that a parent needs to go through, again, with a professional, with trusted adult with a friend, not with their child. This is not their stuff. This is not about them. This is about your stuff, right? And it's valid stuff. It's very valid. Yes, you did name your child that. Yes, you did, you know, use the pronouns he. And now your child wants to use the pronouns they or she or he, she, they, or it is fluid. And here's, and this is the other thing that I thought of a little bit ago is the idea of being fluid, whether it's, you whether it is with gender or with sexuality. It is something that our kids are able, and first of all, something that has been since the beginning of time. So this is not a new thing that has just popped up in the past five years. This has been historically documented since the beginning of time. Second, our kids are so good at just rolling with it. We and our generation and I think generations kind of around us are so connected to the binary and so connected to being able to check a box and really connected to these finite ideas, whereas our kids are not. And so for them, it's not that they're changing their mind. It's not that they're making a choice. It's not these things that are like very concrete ideas in our brains, they are able to really explore the possibilities of like, I'm feeling this, like this is what I'm connecting with. This does not really have a name or a label or a thing. So I'm gonna try to connect it to something you understand, adult person in my life, right? And so there is that kind of what seems like a breakdown in communication, but they are really actually trying to communicate as best they can their experience. And so it becomes again for us, another layer of the work to, and this was a hard one for me. Like this took a lot of, not that I was like angry or mad about it, but just like realizing how much of this was stuck in there of the binary of needing to have a box of being like, you know, kind of bumping back up against stuff and being like, why is this stuck in my vernacular? Like, why do I keep defaulting to this, you know, using these three words over here? So give yourself some grace knowing that this this isn't something that you just decide, well, I'm going to do the work, which Bravo, thank you. But know that that work is going to take time and you are going to mess up and you are going to make mistakes. And you're going to have to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and be like, all right, I'm just going to keep doing this because I want to show up for my kid. I want to show up for the people in my life who I love. I want to keep evolving as a human being. Dr. Cam (33:14.794) Sorry, I think what is very difficult to is when and you were talking about, know the boxes We do as adults get very set in social norms and a lot of them are social norms We fought against when we were younger Before we were like set in stone that this is the way it needs to be and now we're trying very hard to Mold and box our kids up into social norms that we have accepted which by the way have changed drastically over the years and will continue to change drastically. So they are not law, they are social norms, but we are so stuck to them that we are sure we are right. And we are so convinced and we choose social norms, things that have been told to us that are different all over the world, but we choose those over listening and believing our kids. Heather Hester (33:47.005) Yes. Dr. Cam (34:10.606) accepting our kids for who they are. And I think we need to really look at our social norms more important to us than our kids and allowing them to be their authentic selves. And some people I know are going to choose social norms. And I get that there are people that just are not able to let go of that. But for the people that can look at and accept their kids and want their kids to be authentically real because all of us want our kids to be happy. Kids are not going to be happy molding themselves to try to fit social norms that they don't fit into. They are going to be happy being accepted for who they are. Heather Hester (34:39.527) Yeah. Right. And I would say to that point, our kids, their, and kids just from all of time want to make their parents happy. They want, they want the love of their parents, right? So they're going to do whatever they can to get that love. So if, you know, people are saying, well, my child did do what I told them to do, or did, you know, say, well, it was a choice or it was a phase or it was this. Dr. Cam (35:01.195) 100%. Heather Hester (35:20.059) I have to stop and question that because how much of that was your child wanting to be loved? And I say that coming from a place of I did that for the greater part of 35 years of my life wanting that from my parents, right? So like twisting myself and knots and knots and knots until I realized like, no, like that doesn't that's not who I am, that doesn't work for me. And then having to do all the work to untwist, right? And knowing that that is also possible, right? That that is possible to do. Our child, our children. just need us to love them unconditionally for who they are. And yes, that might cause you some discomfort. And yes, that might cause fractures in other relationships in your lives or a separation from societal norms that you are comfortable with. But it's something that I really encourage people to sit with and think about at the end of the day. What is more important, having that relationship with your child, being able to have your child walk into the world as who they authentically are now instead of 20 years from now or 30 years from now? What is most important to you? And really examining that. that takes courage to do that. Dr. Cam (37:02.382) It takes a lot of courage and I think there there's definitely a piece where people feel like well, this isn't the kid I wanted I wanted a This kid or I wanted a this kid and you know I'm trying to make them into this kid because that's what I wanted and I think that is a very unfair thing because you're given the kid that you're given just as they are given the parent that they are given and Heather Hester (37:27.997) Right, exactly. Dr. Cam (37:30.71) You are the parent that they were given. So our goal is to be the best parent for them that we can be if we want to be, you know, and I think that's hard for a lot of, it is, it's hard for a lot of people to accept this is the child that I have. Heather Hester (37:38.043) Exactly/ Well, and I think there are two, you know, it is very, very difficult and I'm kind of trying to take a moment with that to respond wisely. Because I see such an opportunity in that for growth. Not only within allowing your child to really show up in the world as who they are, but for you to be able to pause and say, a second, like this is actually really cool. Look how much I can learn about this over here that I never even imagined I would have the opportunity to learn about in such an up close and personal way. Look at, you know, the direction that this is moving my life, right, in a way that I never imagined that it would move. And, you know, again, to your point, I do understand that it is difficult to let go of the expectation but it's also kind of what we sign up for when we decide to become parents is. Dr. Cam (39:12.494) I think what I'm finding too is the movie that we create for our kids future, right? Which we may do based on what we want. A, no matter what, there's no guarantee any of that's gonna ever happen. So we need to stop trying to get our kids to play out the role that we've created for them. I think also when we let it play out, it goes beyond anything we are capable of imagining. Heather Hester (39:34.685) Correct. Dr. Cam (39:42.446) And I just see all of the kids, my daughter and my nieces and my nephews living a life that would never have been any of it, what I specifically would have imagined for them. they're so much better than what I came up with, right? And they're doing beautifully and they're authentic and happy and they still struggle and there's still things that are problems and their life is not perfect because God doesn't want, we don't have perfect lives. They still have a lot of those, but that's part of the life and the fact that they all are able to turn to one another and to us. And there's a support system there that no matter what they go through, they know they've got people behind them is the most magical thing that I can see with the family. Heather Hester (40:33.233) Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I think there's that piece of realizing that control is an illusion. And so the fact that we think we can control our kids and we can control the outcome of their lives is not, right? So the sooner we realize like, we have these little beings and like, What are their passions? What do they love? What do they want to, you what did they, how do they see the world? Right? What are they imagining? And, you know, exactly to your point and kind of at the same time, allowing that movie reel we created, it needs to fall apart. It needs to fall away. So doing the work that we have to do to be like, okay, yeah, I did create that. And I, I really did love that outcome for whatever reason. those things for whatever reason. And I'm gonna be okay with letting it go because I see my kid over here and my gosh, they're so happy. And they're so just like experiencing life in a way that I never imagined it could be experienced. they're human, they're human, right? So they're having the whole human experience. And which means there are gonna always be struggles, there are gonna always be peaks and valleys and all of that because that's part of being human. Dr. Cam (42:04.652) Yeah, I think that's the biggest thing. job is not to protect them from themselves or from the world. Our job is to support them and let them know they can handle whatever comes their way. And we're going to be there for them. Heather Hester (42:17.195) Exactly. Yep. Teaching resilience, teaching, you know, yeah, that they can do this. They can go out there in that big world and do it. you know, at the of the day, we're always here to be a listening ear, to do what needs to be done, right? Dr. Cam (42:39.118) So Heather, how do people find you, particularly if they're looking for support? Heather Hester (42:46.083) Absolutely. Yes. So I, my website is the best way to find me. You can contact me right through there through the contact page. It's chrysalismama.com, which is C-H-R-Y-S-A-L-I-S-M-A-M-A.com. I think that is really the best way that you can find me. The podcast is Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, and that is everywhere podcasts are. So that is a good way just to listen in. But yes, reaching out to me directly. I love when people reach out. I love talking with other parents and working with other parents. so bring it on. Dr. Cam (43:32.97) I love it. And what is the one takeaway you want parents to have from this conversation? Heather Hester (43:39.685) my goodness. I think kind of the thread we have been pulling this entire time, which is it doesn't need to be difficult. Just love them, love them unconditionally and really embracing and understanding that that meaning of unconditional love and just holding that space for them. Yeah. Dr. Cam (44:05.824) I love it. Thank you so much for joining us, Heather. Heather Hester (44:08.989) Thank you so much for having me.

Feb 18

In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam and Jamie Edelbrock explore the challenges of parenting teens, from managing anxiety and depression to overcoming parental guilt. Jamie shares her personal journey of advocating for her child, building trust, and embracing the power of connection over control. Discover practical strategies for balancing guidance with independence, prioritizing your own well-being, and creating a safe space for your teen to be their authentic self. This is the essential conversation every parent of a teenager needs to hear! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to navigate your teen’s mental health struggles – Tips on addressing anxiety, depression, and the importance of support systems. The importance of building trust and communication – How to foster an open and trusting relationship with your teen. How to balance control and independence – Why letting go and empowering your teen is crucial for their emotional growth. The significance of self-care for parents – How focusing on your own well-being helps you better support your teen. Creating a safe space for your teen to be their authentic self – The power of authenticity in building a healthier relationship with your child. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Mental health challenges are not anyone's fault – Recognize that mental health struggles affect teens across all backgrounds, and it's essential not to blame yourself or your child. Parenting is about balance – Sometimes saying "yes" more often helps create a foundation of trust, making the necessary “no’s” more respected. Self-care is non-negotiable for parents – Taking care of your own mental health equips you to better support your teen. Empower your teen with autonomy – Give your teen the space to make decisions and take ownership of their actions, fostering independence. Worrying less about the future helps you enjoy the present – Instead of constantly stressing about your teen’s future, focus on building a positive, supportive relationship in the present moment. ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline If you're in crisis or need support, call or text 988 for confidential help. Available 24/7. Psychology Today Therapy Directory: www.psychologytoday.com/ Search for licensed mental health professionals, including therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists near you. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): www.nami.org/ NAMI provides a range of resources for mental health services and local support groups. Jamie's Books: Tangled Up: A heartfelt exploration of mental health struggles and the path to healing, designed to inspire families to stay connected during difficult times. Be the Sparkle : A guide for parents, offering practical strategies to help children feel empowered and spark their own resilience. The Adventure of Little Selfie : A children’s book that encourages self-love and mindfulness in young readers. EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction to Mental Health Advocacy for Parents 02:58 Personal Experiences with Teen Anxiety and Depression 05:59 Navigating Parental Guilt and Finding Support in Parenting 09:04 Building Trust and Effective Communication with Teens 11:51 Why Letting Go Is Crucial for Parenting Teenagers 15:00 Finding Joy and Fulfillment in Parenting Teens 18:02 Balancing Teen Freedom with Parental Responsibility 21:04 The Impact of Worry on Parent-Teen Relationships 24:00 Encouraging Authenticity and Self-Expression in Your Child 26:49 Trusting the Parenting Process and Letting Go of Perfection 30:49 Building Strong, Supportive Relationships with Your Teen 36:44 The Importance of Parental Self-Care for Mental Health 42:41 Empowering Your Teen Through Autonomy and Independence 48:56 The Power of Connection Over Control in Parenting Teens 55:57 Embracing Imperfection in Parenting Teenagers CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jamie Edelbrock Website: www.jamieedelbrock.com Instagram: @tangledupbook Twitter: @TangledUpBook CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.259): Welcome back, parents. Today, I’m excited to speak with an amazing author, mental health advocate, and a dear friend of mine, Jamie Edelbrock. Jamie was my very first podcast guest back in 2019, pre-pandemic. We were both stepping into new chapters of our lives, feeling scared but ready to take the leap. Since then, Jamie, you’ve become a powerhouse advocate for children's mental health. You’ve published three award-winning children's books: Tangled Up , Be the Sparkle , and You and Me, The Adventure of Little Selfie . And on top of that, you’ve been raising your three teen daughters. So, let’s get started. What have you been up to? It’s been forever. Jamie Edelbrock (00:43.342): It’s been a ride. We lived overseas in Indonesia for several years. My kids grew up there, and that’s affected their mental health in ways I’ve learned so much from. I’ve become a strong advocate for mental health, focusing on anxiety, depression, LGBTQ issues, and autism. One of my kids was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and now I’m working to become an RBT, doing one-on-one work with kids and families in ABA therapy. It’s been an adventure. Dr. Cam (01:50.053): The one thing I love about you, Jamie, is that whenever you face a challenge, you don’t just ask, "How do I survive this?" You think, "How can I become an advocate for this?" You embrace it, learn from it, and then help others. That’s so inspiring. Jamie Edelbrock (02:04.65): Yes. Dr. Cam (02:18.843): It’s amazing. You keep getting new challenges, and you handle them with such grace. How has your advocacy evolved over time? Jamie Edelbrock (02:31.725): Something I wanted to talk about today is a story I haven’t shared much. It’s about my daughter and her struggles with anxiety, depression, and suicide. She gave me permission to talk about it. She went through a very tough time in Indonesia, and as parents, we thought, "Why would they be depressed? Why would they be anxious?" But I’ve learned that anxiety and depression don’t discriminate. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what kind of life you lead—it can affect anyone. Dr. Cam (03:12.809): It’s so true. Jamie Edelbrock (03:37.718): We ended up leaving Jakarta early to get her the help she needed because the right mental health resources weren’t available there. I didn’t get to see my oldest graduate high school, and there were a lot of sacrifices. But the most important thing was getting her the help she needed. Dr. Cam (03:51.806): I’m glad you were able to get her the support she needed. Jamie Edelbrock (04:07.102): When we returned to the States, my daughter’s depression deepened. She ended up in the hospital, and she had to stay away from us for a while to get the help she needed. There’s nothing that prepares you for hearing your child say, "I want to die," or having them say, "She has to stay here and you can’t come get her." That experience was incredibly difficult, but it’s something every parent should know about—how to cope with that as a family. Dr. Cam (04:45.343): That’s so hard to imagine. Jamie Edelbrock (05:01.482): And it’s something I want to talk about because, as we’ve seen, anxiety and depression don’t discriminate. There’s no way to predict it. No matter how great your child’s life is, it can still happen. We’ve also dealt with suicide loss. My oldest lost a friend to suicide in 2020, and she ended up saving her best friend’s life from suicide in 2024. These experiences, though tragic, have deeply impacted us, but they’ve also shown me how crucial mental health advocacy is. Nothing prepares you for the weight of it when it’s your own child. Dr. Cam (05:44.549) You spend your life advocating for mental health, focused on your children's mental health, yet you're not able to escape it. Parents feel guilty, shameful, like they're failing. But you're evidence that no matter what you do, We can't always avoid it. So what did you go through processing it as a mom? Jamie Edelbrock (06:22.614) Automatically I thought, I'm doing something wrong. I know all the tips, tools, tricks. She has a good life. We have this set up for her to succeed. I'm doing something wrong. Then I started going back, mom guilt. Maybe I shouldn't have yelled, or done this. That's not the case. I think the first thing besides getting her immediate professional help was getting myself help and professional help and realizing that it's not my fault. I've learned that through therapy. It can be environmental, but it's usually brain chemicals. It runs in our family. While thinking, "what did I do wrong?" I talked to my aunt and learned it runs deep. That was an important key. It's not my fault. Getting her help says you're doing something right. We halted our world, got her what she needed, and got the help I needed. Then I started researching, knowing it's literally her brain chemicals. It's literally how her body and brain are working and something isn't right there. So realizing it's not our fault. We made changes in our lifestyle to help her and us. Dr. Cam (08:42.815) My heart goes out to you. Parents start parenting from fear. They want to prevent their child from going through something, or they don't want anything to happen on their watch. They become hyper-vigilant, constantly asking, "are you okay?" Kids say, "I'd be fine if my parents would just leave me alone." Parents can't let go, building a wall and distrust. Kids don't feel like they can be their authentic selves. How do we manage that fear and the sense that something's wrong without kids opening up? Jamie Edelbrock (10:01.154) We've definitely gone through that. I worry, I'm a fixer. I wanted to protect her, but she made it clear that's not helpful. I need to trust her. As hard as it is, trusting your kids after an event like this, they want to live their happy life. Learning to trust her and that she will tell me if something happens was helpful. Putting other adults in their life is huge because sometimes they don't want to talk to us. She'd say, "I don't like seeing you cry. I don't like hurting you." I had to work on that, get a therapist. Putting other adults in her life was huge. She has a therapist, psychiatrist, trusted adults, friends, and the suicide hotline. I cling to the fact that during her darkest times, she did tell me. And so I cling to that. Anytime she's ever been in trouble, she has come to me. Releasing that and trusting them, knowing it'll come back to you, is healthier. You're opening up that road for them to come. If you cling, you're putting a roadblock up. I've learned to trust they'll tell me. Dr. Cam (12:56.831) Parents struggle most with letting go and trust. They fear, "if I do and something happens, I'm never going to forgive myself." We focus on what we need to feel okay, disregarding what our kids need. How do we live with that fear and discomfort to give our kids what they need to heal? Jamie Edelbrock (13:39.242) I have a phrase: "It's not about me." That's hard because it feels like it is. When they're going through anything, I automatically think, "how is this gonna look? This hurts me. What is this gonna say about us, about our family, about me as a parent?" Especially as an advocate. Having kids do something my old community wouldn't agree with, "what are people gonna say?" I have to freeze and say, "it's not about me." My focus is my children, making sure they are their truest, best, and healthiest selves. It's putting your ego aside and asking, "how can I help you thrive?" That's our job. That saying helps Dr. Cam (15:17.533) It's true and hard to let go. When it's our kids, they are not an extension of us. We often parent as if they are representing us. We are responsible for who they become. We are responsible for being the parent they need to become who they are. It's difficult to see we're not molding them. We are supporting and influencing them and their choices, but we are not controlling that. When they're going down dark paths, it's our job to be there, not to stop them. That is a very difficult thing for parents to hold on to. It's like, yes, it's my job to stop them. Jamie Edelbrock (16:17.302) It's not safe or it's not what I would do or it's not what society would do. You have to think, are they not making a good choice for you or for them? I always say to myself and my kids, I'll let them make their choices. I sit back and I've learned to do that. Do it. If it fails or if you need help, I'm here. Everything in this life is figureoutable. If you try this and it fails, come to me and I will help you figure it out. If you don't come to me, that's okay because I know you can figure it out too. It could be the worst thing, it can be figured out. We will get through this. If I'm lucky enough, I get to help you. Just letting them know, I'm here. I will help you get through this if you want me to. Another phrase I say is, do you want me to help you or do you just need a hug? Instead of automatically thinking I have to help you? I used to be such a fixer. That caused a lot more attention. You think if you fix something, you step in, I'm going to do it. It's insulting. You're doing them a disservice because they can't do it themselves. It's saying you don't trust them. Just even by saying, "what are you going to do?" and "do you want my help?" or "how can I help you?" A lot of times it's "I can do it" or "I'll let you know." We have three teenagers. One's getting ready to move out. That's also, how can I help? I don't want to overstep. I want to wrap you in my arms and make sure you, bubble wrap. I always joke with them. But that's not true. Our job as parents is to let them fly. If you stick with, "I'm here for you and we're gonna figure it out," they will come back if they need help. Dr. Cam (19:09.971) Parents get hurt or offended when their kids don't take their advice or won't listen. For me, I'm excited because that shows my teen feels confident to try to figure it out and not lean on me. There's nothing offensive about that. I'm like, yay, you. You got this. Jamie Edelbrock (19:36.138) You did it. Dr. Cam (19:39.781) It's another thing of it's not about me. It's about what does she need? You have to set aside your ego. I have found my daughters typically more right than I am. She has a way better memory and knows herself better than I know her. There's no way for me to know her better because I'm not in her head. Jamie Edelbrock (20:10.502) My kids will always say, "you don't know what's in my head." Or "I got this." Or the best thing I can hear is, "I already did that." You're just like, "okay." They will say, "you don't need to worry." I traveled to Jordan years ago. I was on the top of Petra with a Bedouin shepherd. I was worried. I was asking him worry questions. Instead of enjoying the view, I was faced with worry. I was ruining the moment. The Bedouin Shepherd looked at me, And he said, "why you worry lady?" He said, "I would not have a job if people died." It brings you right back. Focus on reality. Dr. Cam (21:57.161) When we spend so much of our children's teen childhood worrying, we miss the beauty and joy of what that period is about. We miss it completely and we ruin it for our kids. Our kids don't get to experience the joy of being a teen. I see so many kids that are hopeless, powerless, self harm, drowning themselves in their phone, miserable, trying to escape. In the real world it is fear, pressure, misery. They're not enjoying anything. The things they do enjoy constantly get taken away. Jamie Edelbrock (23:01.218) With each of my kids, they're all so different and their interests are so different. It's so easy to say no. But finding that joy of them being teens and not being stuck on their phone is saying yes to what they want to do, even if it isn't what you pictured for their life. My husband and I were talking about this yesterday because something our youngest wants to do, and he just said, "it's not about me." Letting them be their authentic self is key for building your relationship with them, for them trusting you. Then you get to learn something new too. I had no idea that even existed. Dr. Cam (24:33.139) Aren't we raising entitled kids if we're always indulging them in what they want to do? Does that mean we just sit back and indulge them and let them do whatever they want? Aren't they gonna become entitled, disrespectful kids? Where's that line drawn where we're still raising kids that are respectful, grateful, polite, and kind? Jamie Edelbrock (25:23.16) That comes from connection with your kids. If you take that connection away by not allowing them to do what they want, I'm not saying dangerous stuff, but their hobbies, their special interests, they'll trust you, which builds a connection. How would I want to be treated? Growing up I didn't have money to do stuff that I wanted to. If someone was giving me everything I wanted to do for my special interests, I think that would have set me on a road to success. If you have the means and the ability, do it. Even if you don't have the money, every single thing is figureoutable. There are ways to help your kids in these special interests. What matters is that you are believing them. "I believe you want to do that. I believe you're good at that. You're gonna become great at that. I wanna see where this takes you." If it is a flop, now we know. Dr. Cam (27:17.887) We focus so much on preparing them for the future. My focus has always been how do I make this stage of her life amazing? I want her to look back at her teen years and go, "those were freaking amazing." And I loved my relationship with my mom and I loved what we did and I worked really hard in these areas. And you know what? I did fail in these areas, but I learned from that and I've grown from that. And I know now based on my conversations with my daughters, like daughter, every, she does, like she's sad about moving onto the next phase, even though she's excited about it because she loves this phase. And every phase has been a phase that we've loved because we have made it something special. it's not been indulging in everything that I've said no to stuff that we can't do. But man, if I can say yes, 100%, I am saying yes. And those are the best moments we've had. Jamie Edelbrock (28:28.332) Well, yeah, and absolutely. And I think if we say no to everything just out of control or out of anxiety or because it's not what we want for them, you are building that wall. And if you say no every single time, they're not gonna trust you. If you say yes and let's try it, then when you do have to say no, they realize it is serious. So it's like, pick your battle. Like, say no to the things that really matter. And I've had to say that, I've had to say no. And my daughter has said, okay, I trust you. Because we say yes to so much and let's try it, let's do it. When I say no, she'll ask why and I let them ask why, I let them push back, I let them, because maybe it could turn into a yes. need to, what don't I know about this? But saying yes as often as you can, I think makes the nos that much more important. You know, like, this is a serious thing, you cannot do that. Or this is why I don't want you to do that. So yeah. Dr. Cam (29:25.108) Exactly. I had a mom tell me, who has an older child, that she looks back and wishes so much that she had not fought about all the stupid stuff they had fought about because now her daughter doesn't trust her on some of the bigger stuff. And she goes, none of that mattered. None of it mattered at all. And I was so focused on being right and controlling it and making sure she didn't do any of these little things. And I regret all of it because it just was stupid. And now when it's really matters and it's really important, she's digging herself out of a hole because her daughter doesn't trust her for the big stuff. I'm like, that is so incredibly true. And the big stuff, going back to mental health, is when your child is struggling with Jamie Edelbrock (30:27.18) Yep, it is, it really is. Dr. Cam (30:38.051) series mental health issues, which again, we've just said it's not on us. It's not about us. It's about them. But when they know we're going to figure it out and we're not going to lose it and we're not going to make it about us, then they trust us. Jamie Edelbrock (30:43.146) Right, right. That's the biggest thing my daughter was not making it about me. And it is about her. And she even said at one point in the middle of all of this, I don't want you to think this is your fault. and I think, yeah, having them being able to come to us with those big things, I think we think in the moment we're doing something wrong, but because they came to you, you're actually doing something right. And the way to get to that rightness is to cultivate that relationship with them now when things are good. And it's by saying yes, it's letting the little things go. I've been saying all these phrases I use, but it's true. Another one is I don't want to fight you. and the argument stops or I'm going to go to my room until we're both calmed down. I'm not going to put you in time out or till you're grounded or take away your phone. I'm going to calm down. And once I've calmed down, we can talk about this because I know this is important to you. Those little things matter for the big stuff. You're really you're giving yourself and your child a gift by doing those things when things are right. for when things go wrong. Like you can open that gift up when the things go wrong. Dr. Cam (32:16.253) Yeah, I love that, the gift. That's beautiful. And it is something that they have to turn on too, because the one thing that also is very foundational when kids are struggling is to know without a doubt that they have a support system there and that they have somebody else that believes in them, because it's very hard to believe in themselves. And if they don't have anyone else, particularly their parents, that believe in them, How are they going learn to believe in themselves? But when they know, and I think there's the difference between feeling pressure saying, okay, I'm responsible for my parents' emotions because if I'm doing something and I'm responsible for how they feel, that's a lot of pressure on me and I can't handle the pressure because now I'm responsible, but I'm not, they're not responsible for how we feel. They're not responsible for making us happy. They are not responsible for making us feel valued. That is not their job, right? Our job is to do that. Jamie Edelbrock (33:17.102) Right, right. It's easy to fall into that trap when you're a parent though, to think that. Dr. Cam (33:25.081) It is. It is so easy to do that and then to get really resentful to them for not making us feel okay. And that is not correct. You made me feel disrespected. You made me feel this. And that is a very unfair thing because we're making them feel that as well in the same respect, but we don't like them saying that. Jamie Edelbrock (33:30.744) Like, you're in trouble because you hurt me. You made me mad, so you're in trouble. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Cam (33:54.535) So there's a lot of kind of irony or, know, there's a little confusion going on there. They're like, well, you made me mad, but I'm not allowed to be mad. Now I'm mad at you and now I'm in trouble for making you mad. I'm confused. Jamie Edelbrock (34:05.419) It's so true. And again, that goes back to how do you want to be treated? If I was in this conversation or on the other end of the conversation, how would I want to be spoken to? How would I want to feel? And as soon as you realize that, like, I would hate it, or I hated it when my parents talked to me like this, why would I think that's okay for my kid? When we were in this mental health facility with my daughter, she would go through counseling sessions and therapy sessions and then they would once in a while pull me into the therapy session. And the first thing the therapist said to me, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, but what are you doing for you? Like you're doing all of this. And you know, my daughter is seeing. doesn't like to see me cry, doesn't like to see me upset. Like you said, automatically that puts the pressure on them. Like I need to hold this together because I don't want my mom to be upset. And she said, how are you controlling your emotions around her? Like what's helping you? And I didn't have an answer. One, because life was chaotic in the moment, but it was very much like... Jamie Edelbrock (35:23.872) You're right, your daughter does need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. What are you doing? Like, it's like she flipped it right on me. Not because it's my fault, but because when I'm okay, that's gonna help our relationship. And I think that comes down to that then you learn what they're doing is not about me. What they're doing, they're not trying to hurt us. They're not trying to, it's like... You all of sudden, well, I all of a sudden saw us as two completely separate individuals versus, we are, we absolutely like, like you said, not an extension of us. like, okay, I am living with an almost adult. let's figure this out. And so that's why I think it's so important. And I think the most advice I think I would give to any parents out there was seek help for yourself. Dr. Cam (35:55.071) but you are. Jamie Edelbrock (36:17.58) That is so important. When it comes to your kids, yeah, it's not about you. It's not at the same time, you are about you. Right? Yes. So you need to get the help. You need to get like focus on you. It's for you. Because then everything trickles down. Dr. Cam (36:39.039) For you. Exactly. 100 % for you. Jamie Edelbrock (36:44.064) And everything kind of falls into place. When you're focused on yourself, when you're focused on helping yourself and self-help and getting in your right zone, and that could mean a lot of different things. I've had to, there's, you know, people have had to like let go of, there's, you know, there's situations or things I've had to be like, okay, no, I'm moving on. I'm bettering myself. But when things are right with you, things will trickle down and be right with your family and your kids as well. Dr. Cam (37:11.327) I hear parents go, well, I don't have time because I'm doing all this stuff for my kids and I'm doing all this stuff for my family and I don't have time for me. And I think if you are doing all this stuff for your family, right there's the problem because that's not your job to do all that stuff for your family. Support them, but let them do for themselves because that helps them more than you doing for them. Jamie Edelbrock (37:25.292) Right. Yeah. Dr. Cam (37:36.521) So if you're, if you're doing all this and a lot of times we're resentful towards them and they're in great, they're not grateful for all we're doing and I'm giving everything of mine, they don't want it. So they're not grateful because they don't want it. And you're making them feel bad for giving them stuff they don't even want. So step back. They want freedom. They want their own ownership. They want that. Not for you to not care, but for you to care for yourself. Jamie Edelbrock (37:46.36) It's true. It's true. Dr. Cam (38:03.175) and take time because they're watching. How do I value me while I'm watching how mom values her and takes care of her? And then you don't feel all this anger and resentment towards them, which takes away a lot of the stress. yeah. Jamie Edelbrock (38:16.16) It does. Like I said, it becomes a roadblock. When you have control you have, I just picture it like two fists coming on a road like, nope, in order to get by, it's going to be a fight. But as soon as you let go, it just opens a path for peace and communication and a better relationship. Yep. Yep. Dr. Cam (38:31.133) And they enjoy being around you and they trust being around you and they want to be around you when you're when you are someone that you want to be around yourself. Right. And not controlling all of this other stuff. So to me, if you're feeling any resentment or stress or any of that, that is not your kid's fault. That is on you to let go. And how empowering is that? Because now we don't need them to change for us to be OK. Jamie Edelbrock (38:40.425) Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, I saw this firsthand the other day. I used to be like, hey, if the house is a mess, why aren't you helping? why? Like, don't you see the dishes? Don't you see the laundry? Don't you see the trash? And they don't, to be honest. Like, it doesn't matter to them. They don't care. So, but it matters to me. So I had to learn to like, okay, I can go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink. I can let the laundry sit on the couch. I'm tired. I'm going to bed or, you know, prioritize. And, Dr. Cam (39:15.955) They don't, and they don't care! No! Jamie Edelbrock (39:31.242) They know how to a sink or a dish. They know how to get their clothes if they need to. But I was out with my two other kids, but the other one wanted to stay home. And she was home, and I came home, we left the house with, it was a mess. Came home, and she was sitting on the couch with this smile on her face, like. I'm like, what? What's happening? What's going on? And she just kept smiling until I looked up at the kitchen and saw that it was completely clean and she had made homemade cookies. And I, at that moment was like, I hugged her, I like, this is so amazing. Thank you so much. Like, thank you, thank you, thank you. But that was done without asking. That was done without nagging. That was done, like I would get to it, absolutely. And if I asked for help, they would help. But... The fact that that was done on their own just because they wanted to do something nice, that was like, okay, they, yes, yes, yes, yes. They don't care, yeah. Dr. Cam (40:29.703) and they know your love language is a clean house. They don't care, but yeah, I love that. I think it's focusing too on what their strengths are as well because like my daughter will leave stuff around and she knows it drives me nuts and everyone's gonna be like, you know, it drives me nuts. Can you clean that up for me? I know it's not for you, but can you clean? But then she'll do her stuff. Like when I was sick, she's like, I'm gonna run across the street and she came back and she had. Cough drops and a tease and like all this stuff and she's like I'm gonna take care of you because that's her love language like she loves Cleaning up not her thing taking care of her thing. I'm like, okay So I'm not gonna get mad that there's some dishes that don't haven't been clean the way I want them to be clean Cuz that's not me. But man how cool of that, but she just Jamie Edelbrock (41:00.707) It is and that's it's important to focus on what they're doing right. Focus on their strengths. Focus on and bend into that. Lean into that because that's where you're going to see them shine. That's where you're going to like it'll help you stop nagging the little things that are bothering you when you focus on like wow you're really good at that. Like you're really good for caring for others and for me and that's their strength. I have found that not nagging about chores and homework and all of that stuff. When I do say, can you help? Like, can you bring in the garbage? They do it like that. It's not even an issue. But if I were to nag them, exactly, exactly. That was a hard, like if they say, no, I don't want to right now. Or, you know, my one teen is like, I just got off work. My back hurts. I'm like, okay. Dr. Cam (42:00.115) Yeah. No. And they're allowed to say no too. Jamie Edelbrock (42:15.662) Like I understand because in that situation, I would probably say the same thing. I don't want to do it. It's not good for me right now. And I think that's a powerful lesson when your kids say no, like letting them say no, because when they get out in the real world, they need to have that, what is it, that tool in their toolbox to be able to say no and mean it. And people need to respect that. Dr. Cam (42:41.801) I think a lot of parents fear that if they do that, that's all their kids will ever do, is no, no, no, no, no, no. And I have found that they will try it once and of course their kid is gonna say no. And then they get mad and I'm like, well, they weren't allowed to say no then. And when you do it for a while and you set that precedent and they know that they can say no, that's when things shift. But that doesn't change overnight. It does not change overnight. And then if they... If their answer is not what we want their answer to be, then we get upset too. And I'm like, that's not the point either. Point is not for them to now suddenly do what we want them to do on their own. That's not the point. The point is to respect what they're doing. And it's once we respect that, they start respecting us a lot more and they do jump in when it's on their terms and it makes them feel good. Whole different ball game. And it's amazing how much they like love to help. Jamie Edelbrock (43:21.166) It doesn't feel natural when you first do it, especially, you know, the way I was raised and how I started raising them as kids. Like, don't you say no to your mom. Like, how dare you? Like, I told you to do something. Like, that is, you need to respect me. But then you think, I have never respected anybody that demanded respect. You know, I haven't. And if someone wouldn't listen to, yeah, if someone didn't listen to how I was feeling or really cared, they're blocked. That wall is up, or I don't trust them. And if I have to work with them or be with them, that's not gonna be a good relationship. And so the same goes, and especially for our kids. Dr. Cam (44:01.663) No. It's on how respect is made. Jamie Edelbrock (44:27.278) Like that's where it goes back to treat them how you want to be treated. And if you want them to respect you, you need to respect them. And that isn't by demanding. That's not by dictatorship. That's not, I mean, that's one thing I say all the time is parenting is not a dictatorship. It's a relationship. And when you have that relationship, then the connection is there. And that's when, that's what matters. Dr. Cam (44:34.516) I think parents really, really struggle with that because it feels like you're giving up authority. It feels like you are letting them rule the world and you are letting them have their way. And I think what's really important is when we have that thought process and that mindset, we are seeing and viewing our kids not as human beings, individual human beings. We are seeing them as our subjects, our things to control. And that right there is what causes so much friction and disrespect. We are not saying, yes, we are adults. Yes, it is our home. Yes, it is things that we want to influence them and teach them. But it's not done through demand and yelling and control because that's not how humans work. And kids are human beings. And I think that's where we're separate. We're not seeing kids. As humans, we're expecting things and we're expecting them to respond to things that humans do not respond to. And we need to let go of this view that just because we raise them, that they should be a different way towards us despite our own behavior. That is not how humans work. Jamie Edelbrock (45:55.576) No, and I never understood, you know, my parents, it was very controlling, like, parent-child relationship. But then eventually we leave and that control, their control is gone. And then what? Like you kind of left floundering or I don't know what to do or we're always expecting someone to be in control of us or tell us what to do. So you either are underdeveloped in that area or you go off the deep end and because you're free finally. And so I think, I can't remember the exact wording you just used, but yes, they should be in control of their lives. They should be in control of their, know, kids should be what's going on in their brains, in their minds. I think you said something about parents being worried, like, my gosh, they're gonna be the center of the universe or whatever. They should be in their lives. We are, like, and that's how they learn their independence, their self-respect, that's how they know the feelings and emotions in their body. That's how they can tell when something's off. That's how they learn. And it's our job to be there to help them figure out their authentic best self and what's going on with them. And by trying to control them, we are just hindering that. The control doesn't last forever, so it shouldn't even be there at all. But if you're a parent that is so concerned about controlling your child and their actions and making sure they don't mess up and they're doing things the right way, you're actually hindering them. You're stunting their authenticity and their growth at being an adult. Because eventually your control will stop when they move out of the house. Dr. Cam (47:50.793) Right. And what you can do and what is your most powerful thing as the parent, which is through connection, is influence. And when you're controlling, you have minimal influence, which is what makes long lasting change and really helps them learn how to make good decisions and trust you to talk through decisions. And that's what we want to teach them. So as parents, yeah, we have lots of influence. Yes, we do want to set up some rules and regulations to keep them safe with them, understanding them, because we're teaching them. We're teaching as parents, we're not controlling. And I think that's a really difficult, difficult thing for parents to embrace. It feels completely wrong and uncomfortable and no, I'm supposed to be the master of everything and then wonder why their kids don't trust them or won't talk to them. And that's why. Jamie Edelbrock (48:56.962) Yeah, it is. Dr. Cam (48:57.087) So you can do it. That is definitely a choice, but you can't have both. Jamie Edelbrock (49:02.99) No, and you need to decide, think. I remember the turning point in my parenting where I was like, this isn't working. What I'm doing is not working. I don't like the way the kids are feeling. I don't like the way I'm feeling. Something's not working. And so, it felt at the time like I was giving up, but what was happening was relationships were finally starting to build. letting them be themselves and just letting go of that control and that power and really respecting what they want to do even if it's like what's what do you want for dinner what movie do you want to watch what do you want to do today you just want to rest it's like but I had all these things planned for us okay we'll have a rest day you know like yeah that that letting go I think is essential if you want a good relationship with your kids and especially when they leave the house. Dr. Cam (50:05.075) Yeah, and I think going back to even what you were saying with mental health where, you know, no matter what you did, it wasn't going to change the fact that your daughter was suffering from depression. It just, that was, it was what it was. And I think we often think and imagine our kids as like these wild beasts that if we don't control and contain them, they are going to wreak havoc on the world and they're going to be nasty, wild, ugly people. And what I have found is The kids that are nasty, ugly, wild people are the ones railing against feeling controlled. And the kids that are not are the ones that don't feel a need to rail against control and are given that spot. And you know what? There are going to be kids that are going to make some terrible, bad, awful mistakes, no matter what we do. Jamie Edelbrock (50:58.22) Right, they're something, yep. They make their own choices, yep, yep. Dr. Cam (51:00.231) We can control it and they're going to fight our control. And there's going to be kids that no matter what we do aren't. We got to look at who our kid is and how to best support them. But we have to start, we have to understand who they are individually first and figure out what works best for them. But immediately going, got a controller. It's going to get out of control. It's not, not a great place to start. And that gets us into trouble. Jamie Edelbrock (51:25.45) No. Yeah, and I think that's why it's important if you do have a kid that is like that and you're like, what is happening? Is to seek, make sure they're safe and seek professional help if they want it, because they're also at this age where I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to go. You can't force them, but to get help for yourself. Get tools in your toolbox and make sure that you are mentally healthy and that you have someone you can talk to. because it is uncomfortable when you don't know what to do with your child and you've done everything right. But I think the most important thing, like having that connection, like you said. So if or when that does happen, they know you're a safe person no matter what. Like they know that your love is unconditional, truly unconditional. Not if you check these boxes, not if you look this way. or if you get your act together, then you can come home. It is a truly, I am here and I will listen and I will help you figure this out. That's why the connection is important. So they can come to you when they're Dr. Cam (52:31.859) Yeah, they need to trust. They need to have that. They need to believe. And so if kids are being distrustful or disrespectful, we need to go, why do they feel the need to act that way? What's going on? What's going on? Jamie Edelbrock (52:47.597) Yes, find the why behind it. That is huge too. Okay, you made this bad choice or this poor decision. You learned your lesson, but let's find the why. That's been huge in our family. Why is this happening? do you need to fill in your life or what's missing or what? And just being able to have that conversation is huge. okay, let's talk about the why. Dr. Cam (53:14.781) Yeah. I have just found if in doubt, matter what, nothing goes well when I start in a place of criticism and being mean and being mad and all of that. When I approach anything that way, it never goes well and it doesn't help. When I approach things from kindness and from curiosity and from giving her the benefit of the doubt, we always end up somewhere way better than where we even started from. Jamie Edelbrock (53:15.244) Let's figure this out. Dr. Cam (53:44.251) And that to me is just key. There's no reason to be unkind. There's just no reason. Jamie Edelbrock (53:44.27) 100%. Jamie Edelbrock (53:49.942) I love that so much. It's so true. It's so true. And that goes back to how do I want to be treated? Something my sister said that was so great that I've held close to my heart is she said our relationship isn't fragile. And I think about that with our kids. They can, know, bad things can happen. They can make wrong choices. They are who they are. But my love for them is not fragile. They can throw what they want at me, but I will stand there because not literally. No, no, but you know what I mean. Like the words or whatever happens. Dr. Cam (54:23.699) Not literally, they can't throw knives and stuff. not literally. I just know people get real stuff and that's not a joke. People get real stuff thrown up. We got to step back, right? Yeah. But again. Jamie Edelbrock (54:34.849) That is not a joke. Yes, that is not a joke. Absolutely. you, our, happens, my love for you is not fragile. Our relationship is not fragile. It will be fragile though, if you hold on too tight. That breaks easy. Dr. Cam (54:41.715) Yeah, I love that because there's no nobody in our family is walking on eggshells because we're just stomping on them because we know that we're going to get through it. Yeah. Jamie Edelbrock (54:55.863) Absolutely. And I think that's the best relationship to have with your kids. Like, give it to me. Tell me. Like, let's work it out. And call me out. yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Dr. Cam (55:15.079) And I can call, we can call each other out. We call each other out, not disrespectfully, sometimes jokingly, but we call each other out. Absolutely. Jamie Edelbrock (55:24.084) Right, of course, and I think that's important. That's so important. And I learned so much. I'm like, I had no idea. Like, or I didn't know that that was a thing. Or like, I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't think that would hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry. Dr. Cam (55:36.031) Yeah. I feel a lot of times people think that that's being a weak parent, but I see it as being a very strong parent because we're able to parent despite, and I'm not saying I don't have an ego. I do. It's being able to parent despite that. It's being able to put that aside. And that's not an easy thing to do at all. Jamie Edelbrock (55:49.154) No, it's not. And those voices, I mean, there are critics and there are people, people are going to parent how they want to parent. They have those voices and those are things that, okay, this is working for me and my family. And it's so important to turn those voices off sometimes. Like, hey, I am not getting, like, I'm not growing from you saying that. I'm like. That actually hinders my growth from these things or like the things I'm reading or whatever it is and like protecting your mental health in those ways too I think is huge. Dr. Cam (56:32.979) Yeah, parenting is not a report card. I'm not trying to parent to get all A's based on somebody else's qualifications. That is not my job. Whatever other people think, they think. That is fair for them to think. I need to let that go because what matters to me is what my daughter thinks and what my daughter is feeling. That to me is the only, if I have a report card, that's the only one that's allowed to fill it out. Nobody else. Jamie Edelbrock (56:56.622) Yep, absolutely. Yep. Dr. Cam (57:01.119) I'm to get a go check. think I'm getting pretty good grades right now, but we'll see. There's times where I will bomb a test. So man, I will bomb a test. No doubt about it. Jamie Edelbrock (57:07.498) Yes, so true. And it's the repair after you bomb the test going back and like, okay, sorry, how can I have a retake? Yes, I need to redo this. I think that is huge. Like I messed up. I know I did. This is what I'm gonna do better. Let's redo it. And that's huge for building trust too. Dr. Cam (57:14.537) Can I have a retake? I go get a retake. Yep, I go get a retake. Yep. I'd start this again. Yeah, it is. And then she does it with me as well. Yep. Jamie, we could talk probably for about 10 more days nonstop without even taking a breath. Jamie Edelbrock (57:31.49) Yeah, yes, because you're modeling it. Yep, same. I know it's been so good to talk with you and just revisit our friendship. love this. Dr. Cam (57:47.951) I know we will do it. We'll do it offline as well. So Jamie tell people how they can find you. Jamie Edelbrock (57:54.478) Sure, yeah, you can go to jamieettelbrock.com that has links to my books and links to my social media. I'm on Instagram, it's Tangled That Book. And there you'll see, that's where I'm probably the most active. Every once in a while I'll do a blog post if my heart feels like it. But yeah, I think Instagram is probably the best way to get a hold of me, Tangled That Book. Dr. Cam (58:16.755) Yeah, I love your content. It's beautiful. One thing that you want people to what we've talked to cover so much, what is one thing you would like people to walk away with from this? Jamie Edelbrock (58:30.446) I really think it is help yourself so you can help your kids. I think that's the main thing because kids are going to struggle. You are going to have that. If your kids aren't struggling then they're hiding something from you. And so it is very important to have a strong foundation and having your mental health. and emotions in check. So when that time comes, you can help them exactly how they need to be helped. Dr. Cam (59:01.285) I love that our job is not to prevent them from struggling. Our job is to be able to make sure we're strong enough to help them and support them. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #MentalHealthMatters #TeenAnxietySupport

Feb 4

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by parenting coaches Kyle and Sarah Wester to explore the challenges of co-parenting and the conflicts that arise from differing parenting styles. They dive into the importance of communication, understanding, and personal accountability, offering real-world strategies for resolving conflicts and strengthening family dynamics. The Westers share personal experiences on how external voices can facilitate change and how intentional conversations can lead to a more connected and harmonious parenting approach. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The hidden reason parenting conflicts escalate—and how to stop it Why your past shapes your parenting style (without you realizing it) The single most powerful shift that improves co-parenting communication How to stop blaming each other and start working as a team The surprising way external perspectives can transform your parenting approach 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Parenting conflicts often stem from unconscious beliefs and past experiences Open and honest communication is crucial to resolving disagreements Setting shared parenting goals creates a more unified approach Kids often feel responsible for their parents’ conflicts—without realizing it Taking personal accountability leads to positive change in family dynamics 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Help other parents find the support they need! 🚀 Share your favorite episode, leave a rating and review, and let me know what topics you’d love to hear next. Your feedback fuels more practical, insightful episodes just for you! 🙌 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss a solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE WORKBOOK: Parenting Together : artofraisinghumans.com/together EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating Parenting Conflicts 04:37 Understanding Parenting Styles and Backgrounds 10:44 The Importance of Openness in Communication 16:02 The Role of External Voices in Parenting 18:43 Setting Goals for Parenting 23:20 Taking Accountability in Parenting 24:50 The Role of Encouragement in Parenting 27:00 Understanding Parental Roles and Expectations 29:40 Modeling Behavior: The Impact on Children 31:12 Navigating Conflicts and Differences in Parenting 33:41 The Importance of Open Communication 35:20 Taking Responsibility for Parenting Styles 36:38 Empowering Parents to Change 39:20 Overcoming Blame in Parenting 41:25 The Power of Personal Accountability 43:28 Embracing Change and Growth in Parenting CONNECT WITH THE GUESTS: The Westers Website: Artofraisinghumans.com Facebook: @artofraisinghumans Instagram: @artofraisinghumans YouTube: @artofraisinghumans CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01) Hey, welcome back, parents. I'm looking forward to today's conversation because we're tackling a common challenge—getting on the same page as your spouse or co-parent. I talk to so many couples who have completely different approaches to discipline and communication, which, as you can imagine, creates resentment, frustration, and conflict—not just between the parents, but for their kids too. Today, I'm excited to introduce my guests, Kyle and Sarah Wester. They are licensed professional counselors, parenting coaches, and the founders of Art of Raising Humans, a podcast dedicated to parenting. They also have three preteens and teens, so they don’t just teach it—they live it. Welcome, Kyle and Sarah! Kyle and Sarah Wester (00:52) Thank you so much for having us! Dr. Cam (00:59) We love your dynamic. Tell us a little about how you got started with your podcast and The Art of Raising Humans. Kyle and Sarah Wester (01:07) Well, it really started with Sarah. She has an incredible way of helping kids and parents, and I was the one working with families daily in private practice here in Tulsa, Oklahoma. When I’d hit a wall with a parent, I’d come home, ask Sarah for advice, and she’d offer these brilliant insights. I’d take her suggestions back to my clients, and they’d say, "That was amazing! How did you come up with that?" Eventually, I started getting invited to speak at churches, schools, and events. I wanted Sarah to be part of it, but every time we tried speaking together, it was tricky—we kept stepping on each other’s words. That’s when I had the idea to start a podcast. We decided to record in our master closet, thinking, "Why not? Let's figure this out." Sarah Wester (02:03) It was a challenge at first because Kyle is so much more extroverted than I am, but we both have years of experience working with families in different ways. Our goal was to share our knowledge and support families in building stronger, more connected relationships. We also noticed that parenting conflicts were damaging relationships between couples. Parents were approaching situations differently, which makes sense because they’re different people. But instead of seeing these differences as opportunities to grow, they became sources of tension. We even struggled with this in our own parenting—questioning each other’s choices and feeling frustrated. Dr. Cam (03:08) Wait, you don’t have it all figured out perfectly? Kyle and Sarah Wester (03:24) Not at all! And it’s tough for kids too. No child wants their parents fighting over them. But so often, kids in therapy feel like they’re the problem because their parents are constantly arguing about how to handle them. Dr. Cam (04:13) I see that all the time—kids feeling responsible for their parents' conflicts. Opposites may attract, but when parents have opposite approaches to parenting, it doesn’t go well for anyone. I often feel like I’m doing marriage counseling rather than parent coaching! Kyle and Sarah Wester (04:19) Exactly. Every parent brings their own personality, upbringing, and automatic parenting habits into the mix—many of which are deeply ingrained from childhood. Often, parents don’t even realize how much of their parenting is on autopilot until conflict arises. This can create confusion for kids. They learn which parent will say yes and which will say no, which can lead to frustration and inconsistency. The household tension builds, and by the time kids are teens, patterns are already set. Teenagers are smart—they learn the "dance." They know how each parent will react and adjust accordingly. Parents often feel manipulated, but really, their kids are just figuring out the system. If they know Mom is more lenient about certain things, they go to her instead of Dad. It’s not manipulation—it’s intelligence. The challenge is that parents don’t always recognize these patterns until they’re deeply ingrained. The key is learning how to work together as a team, rather than feeling like you’re on opposing sides. Dr. Cam (05:45) Absolutely. So what are the most common parenting conflicts you see when it comes to raising teens together? Kyle And Sara Wester (05:59) Man, I wish I could have addressed this 10 years ago, but now we're dealing with it. The dance steps are so established among the couple and the family that it's hard to learn new ones. I don't think it's impossible, but one of the biggest challenges is that their brains have literally been wired to perceive the other person in the marriage or the child in a certain way. It's like those dance steps are just on autopilot. As soon as the conflict starts, it's like the music happens, and we immediately fall into those steps. Dr. Cam (06:30) Yeah, and then complain about it. "They always do this!" What I find is that each parent is determined to convince the other that they're right, rather than figuring out: What do I do that works well? What do you do that works well? And—most importantly—what works best with our teenager? Because that matters more than our parenting styles. We're coming in with different backgrounds and beliefs, fighting over this, fighting with our teens. We assume they're manipulating us because they're smart. But they can't manipulate us if we don't let them, FYI. So what's the first step? What do we do? Like, I'm right. How do I convince him that he needs to change? Kyle And Sara Wester (07:16) The first step is openness. If one of you is completely unbending, you've already hit a wall. Kyle uses this analogy a lot: open hand vs. closed hand. If I come in with a closed fist—believing there's no chance the other person is bringing value, that they're completely wrong, that my teenager is the one who needs to change—that's only going to lead to conflict. You have to come in with an open hand. What are they bringing to the table? What do I need to hear? What do I need to understand? I love this example because Sarah is not a yeller. But I definitely can be. In my home, yelling was completely normal. It was how we communicated. To me, not yelling felt like weakness. If you really care about something, you raise your voice. At first, Sarah was caught off guard by this. She didn’t expect it in our home. But what really helped shift me—this may not happen with everyone, so it’s not a magic wand—was that Sarah approached me with an open hand. She tried to understand that for me, raising my voice wasn’t about being aggressive or mean—it was a sign that I cared. Just like yelling for a sports team, right? Me yelling at the ref means I care about my team. It sounds silly, but that’s how I saw it. Dr. Cam (08:28) Weird. Kyle And Sara Wester (08:51) Yeah! But Sarah was able to say, "Okay, I can see that. I understand that’s how you think. But is there another way you could express that passion without yelling?" That opened my mind. I went from a closed fist to an open hand. I started to realize that my words had power—even when I didn’t raise my voice. In fact, my kids often listened more when I spoke calmly. Dr. Cam (09:50) What I’m hearing is that we often assume a negative intention. If your spouse yells, it’s easy to think, They’re trying to be a bad parent. But they’re not. They’re trying to be the best parent they know how to be. So if we start from the assumption that they’re doing their best, and we seek to understand why they approach parenting the way they do, that shifts things. Now, what if one parent is open, but the other is completely closed off? How do you help the one who wants to change if their partner refuses? Kyle And Sara Wester (10:29) Yeah, that’s a real challenge. There was a time in our marriage when it felt like that. You’d think that having a counseling degree and working with families would make me more open, but it actually made me more closed. I thought, Hey, Sarah, you think you know what you’re doing, but I’m a professional too. I actually don’t think we need to do it that way. Sarah did her best to love me, be patient with me, and keep coming to me with an open hand. But honestly, what helped me the most was hearing it from someone else. By chance, I went to a conference where Dr. Becky Bailey, who teaches Conscious Discipline, basically said the same things Sarah had been telling me—but in a different way. And suddenly, it clicked. I called Sarah from Orlando, Florida, and said, "I need to change what I’m doing. I need to be more open to this." So sometimes, it takes a different voice saying the same message in a new way. With dads who are really closed off, I like to show them the brain science. That’s what Dr. Bailey did for me. She explained what happens in a child’s brain when they’re scared—when you’re yelling at them, they literally cannot be open and receptive to learning. Dr. Cam (12:14) Really shocking. Kyle And Sara Wester (12:31) Yeah! It was shocking to me too. Dr. Cam (12:31) Or flight, right? They're shut down. But it is interesting because I think we know that, but it's not something we stop and think about often when we're parenting. We were raised to believe that yelling makes kids listen. Kyle And Sara Wester The thing I would say to those couples listening—where one person is really open and doing the work—is that Sarah just kept being patient. She kept throwing more and more resources and opportunities my way to hear different voices. But it was never a demand. It was never, "You need to do this." It always felt like, "Hey, I know you love our kids." I really felt that from her. She truly believed I loved them. Even though what I was doing didn't seem loving to her at times, she still believed there was something in me that wanted to shift, that wanted to change. I’m really thankful for her patience and for experts like Dr. Becky Bailey and others who finally broke through to me. They helped open me up to the point where I was all in. And once that happened—once both people move toward that— Man, our marriage got so much better. The conversations at night stopped being, "Why are you doing this?" and became, "How did you stay calm in that moment?" I started really admiring Sarah and the way she handled things differently than I did. It wasn’t about me becoming her, but I definitely saw things in her that I wanted to learn. And Sarah, in turn, saw things in me that she wanted as well. Dr. Cam (13:56) I love that. Sarah, how in the world did you stay patient with Kyle when he was not listening to you? Kyle And Sara Wester (14:18) I know! What was wrong with him? Dr. Cam (14:25) Well, I'm serious. That’s a tough position—watching the father of your kids treat them in a way you don’t want them to be treated. Let's be real. How do you adapt to that? Kyle And Sara Wester (14:32) So, I will say a few things. He was not harming them. I work with families, and if a parent is harming their kids, that's a different story. I feel like I need to say that because this is not that situation. But he was doing things that I knew weren’t good for their relationship. I knew they weren’t good for them. I knew we wanted healthy children. We wanted a close relationship with them. We had similar goals, but his way of getting there just wasn’t going to work. I had worked with families, and I believed in him. But did I have moments where I thought, "Okay, how long do I wait?" Yeah, I definitely had those thoughts. I want to throw that out there because sometimes we're in tough spots in relationships. Sometimes, the other person just isn’t going to open up or join forces with you. I’m not saying he had to become me or that I had it all figured out. We just needed to come together and have conversations. And sometimes, you need an outside voice to help with that. For me, it was about recognizing that as long as he was willing to sit at the table—as long as we could get some conversation going—that was enough. He went to this conference. He listened. And that gave me hope. We need outside voices sometimes. When you're in such a close relationship, fear and vulnerability can get in the way. But when you hear it from someone else, that’s not there. He didn’t feel manipulated by them. He wasn’t wondering if they had an agenda. He could just be open and hear what they had to say. And we had to have a lot of intentional conversations. It wasn’t just, "I hope we talk about this." We had to intentionally ask: What are our goals? How are we going to get there? Is this actually getting us there? And you know, Dr. Cam, there was a lot of shame that made it hard to have these conversations with Sarah. Growing up, I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad. I spent most of my childhood saying, "I’m not going to be like my dad." But then I became a dad, and it felt like I was becoming him. It was like something about having kids triggered these patterns in me. It makes sense—my brain was wired by what I saw growing up. I would talk to them in ways that Sarah had never experienced from her dad. So for her, it was completely surprising. And when she didn’t just go along with it, it triggered fear and shame in me. I thought, "Oh no, I am becoming my dad. Oh no, Sarah and I are going to have a marriage like my parents." And that’s not what I wanted. So when I heard an outside voice, the shame wasn’t there clouding my ability to listen. I wasn’t getting judged or shamed at that conference. I was able to just hear what they were saying, which helped me open up and actually take in the information. That’s what helped me change. Dr. Cam (18:01) That shame—feeling judged or criticized—is a big reason we don’t want to listen to the other person. Admitting we need to change feels like failure. But none of us know how to do this. And it’s okay not to know. That’s not something to feel bad about. We’re all doing the best we can, but we can always do better. You were talking about your goals. This is something we often don't stop and think about or discuss—what is our goal as a parent? What are we trying to achieve? We tend to react throughout the day instead of considering our direction. Does that help? What type of goals do you set to get on the same page? Kyle and Sara Wester (18:45) That was part of the early work we did. You don't just fall into this—you have to say, okay, we need to have this conversation. Where are we trying to go as a family? Where are we trying to go with our children? We started sitting down intentionally and having these conversations, which led to others that were so helpful in our journey. We had to ask, what do we want from our family? At first, it's messy. But as you keep having the conversation, it becomes clearer. Ultimately, if we boil it all down, we want a great relationship with our children. We want to have fun, enjoy them, and hope they enjoy us. But how do you get there? That led to conversations like, why do you yell? If we have this goal, how do we reach it? You have to be curious. If I come in saying, "Why are you yelling?" that’s not helpful. Instead, we ask, "How is yelling going to get us to our goal?" We also challenge each other—"Why are you listening when she’s throwing a tantrum? Why are you holding her instead of sending her away?" These questions helped us understand our parenting choices and align them with our goals. Dr. Cam (20:18) Or, "You shouldn’t be yelling." Kyle and Sara Wester (20:34) Right. We had conversations with curiosity—why are we doing what we’re doing? How will this help us reach our goal? When we started our private practice or podcast, we set goals, a mission statement, a vision. But most parents don’t do that when raising kids. They just have them. What do we hope they say about us when they leave home at 18? If I don’t have goals in parenting, I’ll always be reactive. I’ll end up resenting the parent I became, feeling like the kids made me that way. When our first two kids were little, and we weren’t sleeping much, I felt like I was becoming my dad. It felt like the kids were making me that way. But then I asked myself, "Who do I want to be as a dad? Do I even know what that looks like?" Maybe Sarah is in my life to help me become that dad. Maybe the conflicts with the kids are opportunities to practice being that dad. Dr. Cam (22:03) That’s beautiful. And you took accountability for your role as a parent. I hear a lot, "If my child behaved, I’d be a great parent." But it doesn’t work that way. You decided it’s up to you to have the relationship you want with your kids. Many parents say, "I want my child to be respectful." That’s a behavior you’re trying to control—it’s about your personal needs, not the bigger goal of who you want your teen to become as an adult. That’s a reactive approach. We also want our spouse to parent a certain way, trying to control their parenting. How do we take accountability for our role, regardless of what our co-parent does? Kyle and Sara Wester (23:20) Here’s an example: My daughter played soccer. My dad coached me in soccer, but most of my memories of that were negative—him being upset, disappointed, yelling. When my daughter started playing, I was excited, but Sarah noticed I was yelling from the sidelines, saying things like, "Focus! What are you doing?" She was five or six. I had this ridiculous thought—"Why is she making me act like my dad? If she focused more, I wouldn’t be like this." But she wasn’t doing anything to me. She didn’t even know what her grandpa was like. I had to step back and ask, "What kind of dad do I want to be on the sidelines?" Not just in soccer, but in life. I wrote it down—what does that dad look like? He encourages, he’s excited to see his daughter play, he appreciates that she’s healthy and active. Now, her not performing perfectly became an opportunity for me to practice being that dad. But I needed conversations with Sarah—"How do you not yell? Doesn't it frustrate you?" She said, "Sure, but I’m just happy to see her play." That helped me shift my mindset. So I had to decide—who am I going to be at that soccer game? Who am I going to be in general? And then intentionally show up as that person. Dr. Cam (26:38) I love that. Instead of blaming your child for the parent you are, you asked, "What kind of parent does my child need?" Because every child is different. We also blame our co-parent. One thing I hear often is resentment— "I’m tired of being the bad guy. I’m tired of being the parent, which feels like the bad guy." When did being a parent become synonymous with being the bad guy? Kyle and Sara Wester (27:08) Yeah, we’ve had those conversations. Sometimes you don’t even realize what belief system you’re operating from until a conflict arises. We have these unspoken expectations about roles—what a mom should do, what a dad should do, what a child should do. I was raised to obey immediately, not ask questions—that was considered disrespectful. So I automatically expect my child to do the same. But we have to pause and ask, "Why do I think that?" Instead of blindly following the box we were given, we need to decide what kind of parent we want to be. We can’t control who our child is. They’re not a sculpture we’re molding into perfection by 18. Our job is to show up as the parent we want to be. Kids learn more from what we model than what we say. Dr. Cam (29:15) Exactly. When parents say, "I want my child to be respectful," I ask, "How do you model respect?" And they just look at each other like, "Crap, we don’t." Kyle and Sara Wester (29:40) Right. And I hope your listeners hear this—these conflicts with our kids reveal the hidden stories guiding our decisions. Without them, we might never even realize those stories are there. Kyle and Sara Wester (30:19) And it's because that conflict happened—not that we handled it perfectly. We probably handled it in a really negative way. But in the follow-up with each other as a couple or with the kids, I was able to tell them, "In that moment, I blew up at you because in my home, dad had to be the bad guy. You see how mom was handling it that way. In my mind, I was thinking, 'Mom's being the nice person, the good cop, and I have to be the bad cop.'" Dr. Cam (30:21) Quit. Kyle and Sara Wester (30:43) The kids were like, "That's kind of weird. I didn't think that was happening." And Sarah said, "That didn’t happen in my home, but in that moment, that’s exactly what was happening." Without that conflict, we never would’ve had the opportunity to reveal that and look at it. We had to ask: What part do I want that story to play in my life? Do I still want it to guide me, or do I want to put it away? That’s key to understanding your story because you try to get your spouse to fit the role you’ve defined for them. I've seen it with parents, where the mom says, "I have to be the bad guy, and dad gets to be the fun one." Then you talk to the dad, and he says, "I don't agree with your parenting style." Dr. Cam (31:41) "I don't think you need to be the bad guy." And they're like, "You do have to be." That’s where the complete differences come in. But the focus, and one thing I want to reiterate, is that you have common goals. What are you trying to achieve as parents? Then the conversation shifts from what you did or didn’t do to, "Did what we do get us closer to what we’re trying to achieve with our child?" Kyle and Sara Wester (31:47) Every listener wants those kinds of conversations with their teenager. Everyone wants to sit down and talk about what kind of human they want to become and their goals. But if the kids don’t see us doing that with others... Not only do Sarah and I do this with each other, but we’ve done it with our families and friends. Many times, I’ve had conflicts with friends where we didn’t see eye to eye. I tell the kids, "I'm going to have a conversation with this friend." My goal is always to be open-handed. I want to better understand their perspective so we can come closer together. I really believe my friend cares for me, and I don’t think what they said was meant to hurt me. I don’t think they wanted to hurt me. So, they see us model that. We want them to do the same with us for the rest of their lives. But if they never see us do it, it’s unrealistic to expect them to do it with us. Dr. Cam (33:09) If you’re not listening and respecting each other, they won’t learn to listen or respect either of you. I see a lot of kids treating their parents the same way the other parent treats them. Then they say, "My kid is becoming my husband or my wife." They're modeling what they see. What do you want them to learn? When conversations are about winning and being right instead of understanding, that’s when the teen learns that it’s about who has the better argument, who can intimidate better, or who can get louder. The point of these conversations shouldn’t be to drive us further apart but to understand each other better. Kyle and Sara Wester (34:07) One of our core beliefs as a couple is that I believe Sarah cares about the kids, and I believe she’s doing the best she can. I believe the reason Sarah sees things differently than I do is to benefit me, not to make it harder for me. And when we come together, we hold it with open hands and realize it’s actually a strength that we both see things differently. When we come together, we broaden our understanding and perspective of what’s happening with the kids and how we can handle it. Instead of just doing it Sarah’s way or my way, we create a whole new path that’s ours. Dr. Cam (34:53) Yeah. And it also takes into account who your kids are. The older they get, the more they need to have input on what type of parent we are based on their needs. We often try to make our kid the kind of kid we need as parents, rather than being the parent they needs. We often try to make our kid the kind of kid we need as parents, rather than being the parent they need. For the teen we already have. And that’s a hard thing. Both parents need to be on the same page, but I’m talking about mature adults who care about one another and are open to listening. I don’t see a lot of that. A lot of people are well-intentioned, but due to their childhoods, they’re stunted in their ability to take accountability and listen to others. I know everyone says, "Well, the way I grew up, I turned out fine." But no. We’re trying to prevent these issues so our kids don’t need therapy for parent issues or struggle with relationships. So, what do we do if we’re in a relationship where we’re not opening up to each other? What if one spouse is too set in their ways? How do we create the relationship with our kids despite that? Kyle and Sara Wester (36:43) Anytime I’m dealing with couples like that, Dr. Cam, I encourage the parent to avoid the mistake of trying to balance the other parent by going to the opposite extreme. I tell them to still create a vision for the home they want to have and the kind of parent they want to be. Then, regardless of what the other person is doing, they need to be confident in that vision. Once you do that, you can set healthy boundaries. You don’t need to balance the other parent out. You need to create the home you want to have. Be confident in the parent you want to be. Then, you can set healthy boundaries for yourself, the other person, and the kids. You might need a parent coordinator to help you. You could say, "I need a parent coordinator because I’m not at my best when I’m discussing these things." The point is, don’t try to balance the other person out. Create the parent you want to be, and then whatever they do, they’ll do. Trust that healthy actions will grow healthy results. Even if the other side is unhealthy, your healthy actions will lead to a healthier outcome for your kids. Dr. Cam (38:44) I love that. Kyle and Sara Wester (38:59) We hear a lot of parents blame the other parent for their poor relationship with their teen, saying, "It’s because of you. You’re turning them against me." Dr. Cam (39:23) That I have a poor relationship, you’re turning them against me or making me look bad. Kyle and Sara Wester (39:29) Yes, we hear that a lot. But regardless of anyone else’s actions, you have to decide who you’re going to be in your relationship with your child. Dr. Cam (39:34) With you. Kyle and Sara Wester (39:58) You could have a coworker or anyone. Even if you believe they’re sabotaging you, you can still show up as who you want to be in your relationship with your child. It’s not just about who I want to be—it’s about what my child needs from me. You can choose the kind of human you want to be, even if your parents are being ridiculous, even if your parents aren't listening to you. I remember a moment as a kid where we came home from church, and my dad wanted me to mow the lawn. Back then, you wore church clothes, so I had my church clothes on. He told me, "You're going to mow this lawn." And I said, "Dad, I'm going to go inside and change." Dr. Cam (41:31): Yeah. Now, you go in sweats. Kyle and Sara Wester (41:55): Exactly. I told him, "I'm going to change my clothes." And he said, "Stop being a dumb ass." It was the first time he’d ever cursed at me, and I looked at him and said, "Hey, Dad, I’ve never cursed at you. I don’t want you cussing at me." And that moment felt really good. I realized I didn’t have to be the child he thought I was. Dr. Cam (42:07): You saw it as disrespect, but also as advocating for yourself. Kyle and Sara Wester (42:22): Exactly. When Sarah was talking, I thought about that moment. It's like she said—take your power back. I’ve had parents in my office blaming their 10-year-old or their spouse for their behavior. And I tell them, “Why are we talking? Why don’t you just leave? If you're a victim to everything they’re doing, it’s pointless for us to talk.” I’m talking to you because I believe you can do something about it. You can change this, regardless of how they’re acting. You always have the power to choose who you are in that moment. Dr. Cam (42:59): Yeah, 100%. I think that’s the hardest part for parents. They think it's their teens’ job to change, but it’s really about them. I had a client the other day who kept asking, "How fast can you fix my son? How long will it take to fix him?" I said, "It’s up to you. How long do you think it’ll take for you to make the changes you need?" It’s not about me fixing your kid. You’re the one who has to change the most here. What are you willing to do? Kyle and Sara Wester (43:33): Yes, exactly. Once you own that as a parent, you realize it’s not about blaming someone else. It’s about realizing your own power. You can change a lot of this. I love to point out to parents how they can approach things differently. Like, instead of yelling, what if you just ran around the house and did laps? Dr. Cam (43:58): I love that. Kyle and Sara Wester (44:06): What would the kid do? They’d be confused! That’s what’s fun—once you realize your power, you see that yelling is actually the weakest thing you can do. It’s what anyone can do in a crisis. Use your creativity and come up with a different response. Shame and guilt get in the way, but if you face it, you’ll realize we all mess up. Dr. Cam (44:16): It’s so hard, though. Kyle and Sara Wester (44:36): None of us are perfect, and that’s okay. Join the crowd. But then take your power back. It’s so empowering. We often feel helpless when it’s up to our teen, but we’re not. We have so much power to show up and do what we need to do as a parent. And once you own that, it becomes easier to say, “I messed up again, but I can change it.” You’re not just sitting on the sidelines anymore. Dr. Cam (45:05): Exactly! It’s frustrating when we try to change our teens and they’re not cooperating. But it has nothing to do with them; it’s about you and your spouse. Kyle and Sara Wester (45:12): Yeah, that’s a great point. Kyle and Sara Wester (45:12): Once you’re in the blame mode, you start blaming everything—pets, traffic, anything. You can give your power away to anyone and everyone. I like to take my power back. And when I start getting loud or trying to dominate, that’s when I know I’m giving my power away. It’s a sign I feel weak and powerless. I need to prove I’m strong, but really it just shows I think the kid has the power over me. Kyle and Sara Wester (46:36): When I was younger, if I wanted to avoid mowing the lawn, all I had to do was mow it badly. My dad would get mad and say, "What are you doing?" I’d just play dumb, and before I knew it, he was mowing the lawn for me! I’d sit down, drink lemonade, and think, "Dad, why do you fall for this every time?" Dr. Cam (46:17): Ha! Yeah, I wouldn’t manipulate you if it wasn’t so easy. Kyle and Sara Wester (46:55): Exactly! If I got grounded for a week, I’d keep pushing until he grounded me for months. I knew he couldn’t stick to it for that long. So, yeah, you can find us at our website, artofraisinghumans.com. It has everything—blogs, videos, podcasts. You can also email me at Kyle@artofraisinghumans.com to set up a free 30-minute Zoom call. We’ll talk about your issues and see if we’re a good fit. Dr. Cam (47:30): I’ll put all that in the show notes. What’s the big takeaway you want parents to leave with? Kyle and Sara Wester (47:41): For me, the biggest takeaway is that if you can be open and receptive, change is possible. Kids want a relationship with you. If you’re open and can open your fist, there’s so much to receive. I’ve seen so many people change—people I never thought would. It’s possible, but it requires vision and a desire to change as a parent. Dr. Cam (48:27): Yeah, that’s amazing. It takes humility, accountability, and maturity, which is really hard for a lot of people. Kyle and Sara Wester (48:32): Yeah, and I’d add that knowing your personal goals is so empowering. I knew what I wanted for my family, and that became my guiding light. It helped anchor me as we navigated all of this. Dr. Cam (49:04): I love that. So empowering. Thank you both so much for joining me. I really appreciate it. Kyle and Sara Wester (49:13): Thanks so much, Dr. Cam! We appreciate it. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers real-world strategies, expert advice, and actionable tips to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen. Whether you're struggling with teen behavior, communication, or motivation, each episode is packed with practical solutions to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #parentingteens #drcamcaswell #co-parenting #raisingteens #familydynamics #communication

Jan 28

In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell and Lindsay Cormack discuss the challenges of engaging teens in political discussions, the decline of civics education, and the importance of fostering critical thinking and open dialogue. Lindsay, author of How to Raise a Citizen , shares her insights on how parents can guide their children through the complexities of political discourse and media literacy. They emphasize the importance of parents modeling engagement, curiosity, and empowering their teens to become informed, responsible citizens in today's fast-paced media environment. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to effectively engage your teen in political discussions and build open dialogue. Why civics education has declined and how parents can fill the gap in teaching their teens about politics and civic responsibility. The importance of critical thinking in the digital age and how parents can help their teens navigate information overload. How media algorithms impact teens’ political views and how parents can help their teens see beyond echo chambers. Practical tips for encouraging curiosity and helping teens develop a deeper understanding of political issues. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Engage in Political Conversations Early: Starting conversations with your teen about politics is essential for fostering critical thinking and helping them understand complex issues. Civics Education is Crucial: Civics education has been declining in schools, but parents have the power to teach their teens about the importance of voting and civic participation. Help Your Teen Navigate Information: Teens are bombarded with information on social media and news. By encouraging critical thinking, you can help them evaluate sources and form informed opinions. Model Political Engagement: It’s essential for parents to model curiosity and engagement in political issues. Your teen will learn by watching how you approach important topics. Practice Listening in Political Discussions: Active listening is a key component of meaningful political conversations. It’s important to not just talk but also to listen and understand your teen’s perspective 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Lindsay Cormack's book: How to Raise a Citizen How to Raise a Citizen: A Parent’s Guide to Teaching Political Engagement EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating Political Conversations with Teens 02:29 The Decline of Civics Education in Schools 04:32 The Importance of Open Political Discussions 06:31 Building Critical Thinking Skills in Teens 10:08 The Role of Media Algorithms in Political Views 12:49 Encouraging Curiosity and Open Dialogue with Teens 15:54 Essential Knowledge for Young Citizens 18:14 Fostering Critical Thinking and Listening Skills in Teens 21:21 How Parents Can Empower Teens to Engage in Politics CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Lindsay Cormack Website: www.howtoraiseacitizen.com Facebook: @lindsey.cormack Instagram: @howtoraiseacitizen LinkedIn: Lindsay Cormack X: @DCInbox CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01) Have you ever tried talking politics with your teen only for it to spiral into a heated argument or leave you wondering where in the world are they even getting these ideas? It's frustrating when their opinions feel so different from your own and you may worry that they are heading down the wrong path. But no matter how hard you try to tuck reason into them, nothing seems to get through. This sounds familiar, you're not alone, and we are going to talk about that I have Lindsay Cormack, an associate professor of political science with me today. And Lindsay specializes in helping teens think critically and engage thoughtfully with the world around them. She's even written the book on it, How to Raise a Citizen. Lindsay is here to share practical strategies to turn those tricky political conversations into meaningful and even peaceful discussions. Welcome, Lindsay. Lindsey Cormack (00:50) Thank you so much for having me. I'm looking forward to talking with you. Dr. Cam (00:53) Yeah, I'm happy to have you here. So tell us first of all, I love the backstory. What got you interested in talking politics, particularly with our kids? Lindsey Cormack (01:02) Well, I've been a college professor for 10 years and I work at a school that primarily serves engineering students called Stevens Institute of Technology in Hoboken, New Jersey. We do plenty of other things, but that's our general population. And so I have these students who are so bright and they're so good at doing school and they go on to like really great careers. But something that I've found as someone who teaches political science is that they come in really not knowing very much. They don't really understand how the government is set up. They don't know what their own powers are in it. And this is something where at first I thought like, you maybe that's just particular to engineering students. But, you know, after a decade of looking at that and talking with other people and doing research on, you know, how much our 18 year olds actually know, I've come to realize like it is a nationwide problem. We graduate most of our high school students without a rudimentary understanding of the government system that they're in. And so this became a project for me because I don't want college kids to feel not powerful. I don't want them to feel jaded already. I don't want them to feel turned off by a system because I know that say what you will about US democracy. It's one of the best decision-making frameworks that's ever existed in the history of the world. And our children will do better if they understand that system. So that's what got me inspired and involved to do it. I didn't know when I set out that this was going to be a parenting book. I thought this might be a book that was like, here's how some states do it, here's how other states do it. But in the course of researching it, I realized no state is doing it that well. And if we want to change things, we're really going to have to start in another level, and that's going to be in the home. Dr. Cam (02:24) Why do you think that kids aren't as informed now about, or have they ever been informed about how the government works? Lindsey Cormack (02:39) So it's a really hard question. It's not like there was this golden era of time where everyone was all conversant on how government ins and out were. That's not real. But it was the case that we did have more civics instruction time in our schools, and that has been decreasing over my lifetime, your lifetime, my mom's lifetime, and so it's been going down from the 1940s onwards. And so we are at this place now where if you look at test scores of eighth graders on their sort of like civic readiness, they are the exact same now as they were in 1998. And so the people who are in charge of parenting today are, you know, no smarter, no better. But I think a lot of us are all really frustrated and it's like, okay, well, if we haven't made any gains in how we're teaching you, we probably need to do something else because we see these same sort of results time after time where the adults in the room now, we can say we're going to prioritize this in a different way. So it is, it is the lowest that of all the classroom things, it is the one that gets the least amount of curricular time. And part of that trade off is STEM. Part of that is sort of this idea that we're going to be pushing other things into a day. And so it's not like there was a golden era, but we know that it's down versus the past and we were seeing the results in our indicators. Dr. Cam (03:33) Well, I'm wondering too, because the world obviously is very polarized right now when it comes to politics. And I know my daughter was talking about it she was taking a government class and she was so excited about talking. And my daughter is one of these kids that have been watching the news since she was like little. I don't even watch the news as much as she does, but she loves it. So she was so excited to go in and talk about it. And they would not talk about the current election going on right now because it was too politically divisive. And, you know, I think that right there is a signal of are we focusing on the wrong thing? Lindsey Cormack (04:32) Okay, so that is like something I hear all over the country is, and you know, and I kind of have a lot of thoughts on why that is the case, but here's the thing. We only get like four or five elections with our kids until they become voting eligible citizens themselves. And so we really only get like four or five windows of training opportunities. And if we say like, you can't talk about this, we can't learn about this, we can't think about this, then we're really sort of hampering their ability to do this when they're older. And we see this, we see this in sort of the data on like who's registered to vote, who turns out to vote, who sort of knows things. Everyone's playing catch up from the time they're like 20 to 60, and then they have 20 years where they're like in their like, you know, really powerful political place, and it probably shouldn't be like that. But I understand why schools have been hard sites to do this work in. I mean, part of it is to blame with ourselves. When we were doing the research for this book, we interviewed teachers in nearly every US state. And something that we heard throughout the country is that teachers operate in sort of a constrained environment where they're afraid to say the wrong thing. because then someone's gonna go home, tell a parent, that parent's gonna get mad, they're gonna email them, or the principal, or they're gonna have, know, the whole PTA gets mad. And so they're in a tricky position. And it's not that I don't think they can do this work. I think there's plenty of really good social studies teachers out here who can do this work. But I understand that their incentives are not always aligned to kind of get into that hard stuff because they don't want it to blow back. Dr. Cam (05:51) Yeah, that's really hard. And I think too with, and one of the things that I've heard with a lot of parents actually is that not that their kids don't know about it, but they have very strong opinions about everything that's going on because they're bombarded on social media and everywhere else with news without the critical thinking that goes along with it. And so they form these very strong opinions and then they get into arguments with their parents because the parents are like, I don't agree with that opinion. So how do we help our kids who are getting tons of information? How do we help them think about it critically? Lindsey Cormack (06:31) Yeah, this is a really hard and important question because the sort of media environment that our children and ourselves are in and kind of what it looks like we're going to be in for the foreseeable future is one where information comes at us and its job is sort of to persuade us by looking compelling. It doesn't necessarily have to be credible by like, understand who's writing this. I understand who funded this. It's just like, is it sleek enough to like trigger the parts of my brain to say like, that person knows what's happening or this is the right way to think about that. And so that's like a really hard environment for children to be raised in because they don't have any other assessment tools at their disposal. They're not having to grapple with like finding a different book or trying to figure out who's funding things. And so I think it's one of the very important things that we do as parents is to make sure that we don't just denigrate the stuff they're seeing because it's not like everything they're seeing is garbage, but it is to engage in it with them. And so something that I ask my daughter, I have a 12 year old who has like limited time to see things that I don't see. But I do ask her, I'm like, what are you hearing on this? What are you seeing on this? And then if it's something where she'll show me like Pinterest, I guess Pinterest is social media in its own way now. She'll show me like, here's what it is. And I think it's important for us to see it too instead of just missing it out of hand because it's not likely that we're gonna see the same things kind of ever. Our algorithms are just so different. Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Cam (07:42) Yeah, we're on different sides of everything on social media, right? I love this. We see something that our kids are looking at and it is true. Like there's algorithms that'll feed them all kinds of stuff based off of one search. So they can go down rabbit holes that might go down very narrow opinionated places. And when you're on social media and that's all you see, it becomes what you believe everyone believes. How do we have conversations with them when they are like, this is what I see, this is what everyone is saying, because it's everyone in their feed is saying, how do we start that conversation to help break that down without shutting them down? Lindsey Cormack (08:27) Yeah, because we don't want them to feel like defensive. We want to like, you know, legitimate the things that they're coming to us with because we want them to keep coming to us. Something that I think is really important that's kind of tied up in all of this is a basic literacy in sort of like digital media. And I think it's sort of boring to kids, but we have to remind them, we have to let them know that they are seeing things. that whoever's putting in front of them believes it's gonna keep their attention or it's going to let them disassociate in a way where they can stay there and tell an ad place. And so we have to ask themselves, what are we doing here? What is it that keeps us here and why is it that this tool exists in the first place? We're not paying for this tool, so something else is being traded. it's your attention. it's the insights on what you're watching. So making sure that they understand the ecosystem that they're playing in and what they are, I think that's part one. But part two can be something that's maybe harder to do in a one day setting, but in a longer timeframe, is thinking about what you would see if your algorithm was different. And I'll give you an example that I did in my class. In my classroom this last year, I said to the kids, you know what, let's start two fake Instagrams. We're gonna start one with the seeds of some conservative words, we're gonna start one with the seeds of some liberal words. And I let them pick the list. I said, you guys pick one. And then at the end of class on Thursdays, we would watch about eight minutes of Instagram and see like, okay, what's happening on the liberal Instagram, what's happening on the conservative Instagram. And never once was there anything that was the exact same. Never once did we see the same content at all. And so I was like, okay, so we understand that we would be operating in different environments if this is what we saw before bed when we were scrolling or this is. It's just a different world. And because there's no crossover, it's just important that they sort of understand that blind spot that everyone has. It's not something that's particular to children. It's kind of particular to our entire media environment. No one's getting the same configuration of things. And so that's like part one is make sure they have to like have a full understanding of that. It's not everyone. It's everyone who's kind of like them. But even then, it's very individualized. Dr. Cam (10:18) Well, I think this is true for adults, quite frankly. And I'm not, I'm saying me too. Like we definitely feed in and we've got the confirmation bias where we're looking for things to confirm what we already believe. So it's very difficult for us to hear things that are different coming from our teens because we're very strong and solid in what we believe. And we want our kids to believe what's right, which is what we believe. Right? No? Lindsey Cormack (10:46) I mean, that's what we think. I I understand the whole enterprise of having more children or having children at all is like, hooray, I can like make more of me. I can like understand the world. They'll understand it in a similar way. But I actually don't think in political terms, I don't think that that necessarily should be the goal for two big reasons. Dr. Cam (10:53) I agree with you. I'm just saying that's, I think that's a lot of the straight. Yep. Lindsey Cormack (11:06) We want them to have the same values as us. Like that's why we decided to like let them live in our house for 18 years. Like hopefully they like take some of the ways that we see the world. But I think politically it's like it's kind of a fool's errand because if you look at the best social science research on this, it's about a coin toss that you can get a kid if you're like, you know, I'm a Democrat and I want to raise a little Democrat or I'm a Republican. I want to raise a little Republican. It's about 50 percent of the time that you'll get that. And if you push too hard, you risk either alienating them from the political process altogether. And they say like, I don't want to do this or. They say, you know what, I'm gonna rebel and I'm gonna be a Democrat or I'm gonna be Republican, whatever you're not. It also just doesn't really make sense because we know that the parties and the ideologies and the personalities are fluid and changing. And so the party that served you in your time that you were like a teenager or 20 and 30s might not be the one that serves or resonates or speaks to them. That's okay. Like that's okay. Both parties have strengths. Both parties have weaknesses. There's not one that's better than the other. That's why we have like a very persistent two party solution to what we're doing here because they both kind of like work in different ways. Dr. Cam (12:07) Yeah, I have found actually because my daughter loved, like she has been waiting to vote. She finally voted this year. She's been waiting to vote for years. I don't know what kids do that, but it's what I love is, is because of her curiosity, it's creating more curiosity in me. And so I'm actually learning more about the different sides because we're talking about them. So it's opening doors for me. Lindsey Cormack (12:18) That's great. Dr. Cam (12:36) because I'm allowing that curiosity of hers to come in rather than saying this is what it is. I'm like, you know, I've never thought of that. Let's go look at what that is. And it's been really eye opening in a lot of ways. Lindsey Cormack (12:49) Yeah, that makes a ton of sense to me. This is something, so the book that I wrote is called How to Raise a Citizen and Why It's Up to You to Do It. And the why it's up to you to do it is like, okay, parents, sorry, you gotta take this on. And when I'm talking with parents who have done this work and they start these conversations with their kids, they're like, I'm learning stuff too. I feel like I'm being raised as a citizen. I'm like, yeah, that's what's gonna happen. That's what discussion does. We give and take and we get different pieces. And I think you must, I mean, you know as a parent, you know as a professional in this space. Doing stuff with kids teaches us things about ourselves. It reflects things to us, it shows us stuff, and so it's always helpful. And the idea that this is a topic that's off limits or maybe they're not gonna be interested in, that's just not true. We just don't really give them a lot of opportunities to engage on it with us. Dr. Cam (13:32) Yeah, I think that's really important. you recommend watching the news with your kids? Lindsey Cormack (13:38) You know, everyone has different strategies here. I don't do that. But I don't say it's like a bad thing to do. I think the best thing you can do is make sure that you are dialed in and have an open line of communication so you understand what they are watching or if something's concerning them. It's not a practice in my house to have the news on. It would have been when I was like maybe younger with my dad. But yeah, that's not something I say like, yeah, you need to make sure you're doing that. Dr. Cam (14:04) Yeah, okay. I was just wondering if that was a good place to start the conversation. How do you recommend having those conversations with our kids? Because teenagers especially are going to be like, I don't want to talk about that with you. Lindsey Cormack (14:09) You gotta go to wherever they are. I think you have to let those entry points happen. And a lot of times, you're right, your teen isn't gonna wanna do that. And so a good time to do it is when you're not facing them head on, but when you're side by side. So that can be on a car commute. So you might have a radio on that says something, or it can be on a walk where you say, hey, have you heard anything about this? And sometimes you'll have stuff that your school's gonna send home. For instance, our school sent home stuff about a school shooting that happened in another state. And I was like, okay. There's an opportunity, I imagine that they might be talking about it. And so it's just sort of finding those entry points that make sense. Like if you had asked me, you know, like last year, should I talk to my kids about what's happened in Israel? It would be like, well, you know, if that's something that's gonna be in your community, if that's gonna be a conversation that's gonna happen, yeah, you don't wanna be the off limits person. But if you have like a five year old and you're not, know, in a community that's gonna have any sort of relation to this, I'm not sure that it makes sense to say like, hey, just so you know, this horrific, scary thing happened that you have no control of. Like, yeah, so you know your kids best, you gotta go where they're going, you have to understand what they wanna get into and not try to push something into it, because that's not what they wanna do. Dr. Cam (15:20) And I think with teenagers, it's interesting, a good place to start is just what have you heard about it? Because chances are really, really, really high. They've heard something. They may not understand it, but they've definitely heard something. And so being able to kind of correct that or not even just correct it, but just start there and go and let's explore that together and figure that out. What do we need to teach kids in order for them to be what do you think is the most important things for kids to understand? Lindsey Cormack (15:59) So I have five in the book that I say before your kids can get out and I can do them quickly with you. The first is that your kids need to know how to vote. And you might say like, they're going to learn it in schools. On average, they don't. In 2022, only a quarter of our 18-year-olds are registered to vote. So that is the thing that unlocks every other thing. Second thing is they need to understand the difference between primaries and general elections. And I know this sounds like it's kind of in the weeds, but in most parts of the country, and I mean this in the overwhelming majority of elections, the person who wins that primary is gonna win that election. We have very few competitive elections at the general election, so if you really care about who's gonna have this seat, it's usually gonna be decided in a primary, so they have to know that. I think they all should have read the Constitution at least once before they are 18. I think you might say, schools are doing that. They're not. Most of my college students have never read it. It's, you know, 19 pages long, and it's not something you sit down and say, we're reading this together, but in the course of a lifetime, I think it's good for them to have like a basic understanding of this. I think they need understand federalism. know, state government does different things than local, does different things than federal. So it's not just like, there's this nefarious people in DC doing all government stuff. It's like, it's your neighbors and your friends who are making zoning decisions and decisions on like, you know, what stoplights going to go up or if this is going to be a Stein, whatever. It's all that sort of quality of life, local area stuff. But I think one of the most important things and one that encompasses all of them. which is this ability to have a hard conversation because that is something that is so missing from the way that we sort of have schooling done. like, they're not really asked to be advocates. They're not really asked to, you know, fight or grapple or dig into some sort of topic that's hard and then come back and be like, OK, and that is what the practice is. So it's developing that muscle memory for hard or uncomfortable conversations of which politics offers a lot of opportunities. There's a lot of chances to do this and they just don't really get that in most of school because we don't focus that much on politics or government to begin with. It's mostly, we know some things, we're gonna teach you some things, please tell us those things back. And a lot of our politics curriculum looks like of like history, where they're like, okay, learn these things that happened 250 years ago, make sure you know them, now you're a citizen. Contemporary politics demands a lot more of us. It demands this like back and forth and flow of ideas, but they can't just learn it on their own. We gotta practice with them. We gotta show them what that is. We can't hide them from that, but we need to do it with them. Dr. Cam (18:14) Yeah, get from this a lot of it is general critical thinking. And this is one of those really important areas where critical thinking is important, but also listening. Because I think we do just in general, it seems like we do a lot of talking at and trying to convince is our conversations is convincing and it's not understanding. It's not putting those two pieces together and going, okay, if you strongly believe this and I like you as a person and you believe something very different than me, what are you understanding that I'm not understanding? Because you're not a bad person, so clearly you believe something that I'm not feeling or I don't get. What is that? What am I missing? And I think when we approach it that way, we learn so much more than just, you're wrong. Lindsey Cormack (19:11) I think that's absolutely right. And I do not fault any of our kids for being underdeveloped in their capacity to do this because I don't think we do it that much with them. I don't think we show them a lot of healthy examples. I think sort of the online media environment actually kind of incentivizes the opposite. It shows them like, say something crazy, say something mean, make sure it goes viral. When in reality, there is so much more to learn about this world if you approach it like you just said with this like listening and learning, which is, like, what is it? that happened on your journey that got you to this different endpoint. I didn't start that way. I didn't go on that path. And then you learn something about the world. And the marker of, you know, like a successful conversation is not, did I convince someone or was I convinced of their viewpoint? It's, I understand them a little bit better? Is our relationship deeper? Are our bonds more resilient because we know these pieces? And I think that's something that gets hard in politics because we just don't see that as the modal conversation style in any space really. Dr. Cam (20:08) Yeah. And I think what's really important and what I want to put out there is this isn't getting your kid to listen to you and saying, well, they need, you're right. They need to listen to me. This is about you listening to them. I think a lot of times we hear it and go, you're right. They need to do that for me. And it's the way they learn is when you listen to them and you question and you try to figure out what is it that you're, what am I missing? What is it that you are believing? What is your perception of this that I'm not getting? And so that's how they learn how to do it because they're watching us do it. Lindsey Cormack (20:49) Yeah, and then they get to go ahead and do that when they have their children in a better, more robust way. And this is what it is to have an idea about progress in parenting, an idea about changing, like I say it's this way so it's that way. Well, that's actually not how the world works ever. We get to create sort of the realities that we're gonna live in, and so wouldn't it be better to have a practice that teaches you how to do that? Dr. Cam (21:11) Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. So what is something you want to make sure parents step away with from this session, from this interview? Lindsey Cormack (21:21) think the biggest thing that I hope parents can take is that this is something that they do need to take on and that they can take on. Because a lot of us think like, know, ew, politics, government, I'm uncomfortable by that subject, or I don't know a lot about that subject, so I shouldn't be the one doing it. But if our kids never see us caring about this, never see us engaging on this, they get the message that they shouldn't either, that it's like for someone else to take care of. And that's not true. We all are sort of athletes in this arena. No one gets to sit by and be a spectator. And so if you can show them what it is to do that and say, you know what, I can learn a little more. I can have a conversation. I can do that. I think that's the best thing you can do. All the other pieces, know, no one needs to become a government trivia expert. You don't need to know the ins and outs of everything. You need to show and model what it is to care, to learn more, to care, to be involved, to show that this is something that's worth your time. And that's kind of easy. That's like a mindset shift. That's saying like, okay, I can take this on. Dr. Cam (22:11) Yeah, I love that. So how do people find your book? Lindsey Cormack (22:14) It's everywhere that books are sold online. I think right now it happens to be the cheapest on Amazon. It's also at Barnes and Noble and Bookshop. And then I have a website that's just howtoraesacitizen.com where you can order it directly from me and I'll sign it or send it to someone. You can tell me, know, it's their birthday or they just had a kid or whatever. And I'm like happy to do that and ship it out from my house. Dr. Cam (22:35) I love it. Thank you so much for jumping on with us. Lindsey Cormack (22:38) Thank you so much for having me and thanks for doing this work. I think it's important that we have more people thinking about these sorts of subjects. Dr. Cam (22:44) Ditto for you. Thank you. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your ultimate resource for navigating the challenges of raising teens. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, a seasoned adolescent psychologist and parenting coach, this podcast provides practical strategies and expert advice on how to build stronger relationships with your teen while supporting their emotional and intellectual growth. Whether you're dealing with teen behavior struggles or seeking to improve communication, each episode offers actionable tips to help parents confidently face the challenges of raising teens today. #ParentingTeens #TeenPolitics #CriticalThinking #CivicsEducation #ParentingTips #RaisingInformedCitizens

Jan 21

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , Dr. Cam Caswell and Dr. Jenny Woo explore the crucial role of emotional intelligence in parenting teens. They discuss how emotional intelligence influences relationships, communication, and teen development, and why it’s more important than ever in today’s world. Dr. Woo sheds light on the "emotional recession" affecting today's youth, and how technology, social media, and societal pressures contribute to emotional challenges. The conversation offers practical advice on how parents can model emotional regulation, resilience, and empathy to help their teens navigate their feelings, cope with emotional discomfort, and build stronger relationships. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The importance of emotional intelligence in parenting and how it shapes teen development. Practical strategies for recognizing, understanding, and validating teen emotions. The impact of social media and technology on emotional intelligence in teens. How emotional discomfort is necessary for growth and how parents can foster resilience. Why modeling emotional regulation is key for building a connection with your teen. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Emotions Are Data: Understanding your teen’s emotions can give you valuable insights into their needs and how to better support them. Recognize the nuances of emotions to improve communication. Validating Emotions is Key: Dismissing your teen’s feelings can lead to a breakdown in communication. Validation fosters trust and helps teens feel seen and understood, encouraging stronger connections. Resilience Through Discomfort: Letting your teen experience emotional discomfort helps them develop resilience and coping skills, which are essential for long-term emotional growth. Model Emotional Regulation: Parents need to model healthy emotional regulation. Showing your teen how to manage emotions effectively is the first step in teaching them to do the same. Empathy is Built Through Experience: Allow your teen to face challenges and even "micro failures." This builds empathy and teaches them how to navigate their emotions with greater maturity. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to share it with your friends and family! Leave a rating and review to help other parents discover these valuable parenting tips. Your feedback helps us continue providing actionable advice. 🙏💫 EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Navigating Parenting and Emotional Intelligence 03:07 – Understanding Emotional Intelligence and Its Role in Teen Development 05:53 – The Emotional Recession: Why Teens Are Struggling with Emotions 08:56 – Deficits in Emotional Intelligence Among Today’s Youth 12:10 – The Impact of Technology and Social Media on Teen Emotions 15:00 – Building Resilience: How Parents Can Help Teens Cope with Emotional Discomfort 17:52 – Modeling Emotional Regulation as Parents 21:41 – Walking on Eggshells: Understanding Teen Emotions Without Overprotecting 24:35 – Validating Feelings: The Importance of Emotional Acceptance 29:55 – Empowering Teens: The Necessity of Autonomy in Emotional Growth 31:46 – Building Empathy: How Experience, Not Just Words, Cultivates Empathy 35:42 – The Myth of Coddling: Why Validating Emotions Doesn’t Lead to Weakness 40:20 – Fostering Connection: How Empathy Strengthens the Parent-Teen Relationship CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jenny Woo Website: Mind Brain Emotion Facebook: @mindbrainparenting Instagram: @mindbrainparenting Twitter: @mindbrainparent YouTube: @mindbrainemotion CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01) Parenting in today's world is not easy, especially when it comes to helping teens navigate their emotions and relationships. But what if we could equip our teen with a skill set that builds resilience, confidence, and stronger connections? That's where emotional intelligence comes in. In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Jenny Wu, a Harvard-trained educator, EQ researcher, and the brilliant mind behind mind-brain emotion. Dr. Wu has spent her career bridging the gap between science and practice, creating tools like her award-winning card games, 52 essential conversations, and 52 essential coping skills used by families, schools, and workplaces worldwide. Dr. Wu's expertise has been featured in Forbes, PBS, Parents, and more. And she's here to share practical tips and proven strategies with us to help our teens thrive emotionally and… Socially welcome. Dr. Wu Jenny. How are you? Dr. Jenny Woo (01:00) I'm doing well! Thank you so much for having me, Dr. Kim! Dr. Cam (01:04) Absolutely. And I was just telling you, I love emotional intelligence and talking about this. Tell us first, how did you get into this? What inspired you to specialize in emotional intelligence? Dr. Jenny Woo (01:15) Sure, you know, I've always been passionate in human development and very much worked through that from what I call the toddler years to the twilight years, really started in adult development, training, recruiting, you know, out of school, college graduates, grad students, and even senior leaders in the workplace to really understand, you know, how can you get that promotion? How can you be a good leader? How can you get that on that career trajectory that you're passionate about? And from there, taught MBA students as well as undergrads. And then after having kids of my own, and that's also part of the reason why we're talking, right? Why I got into mind, brain, emotion, and emotional intelligence is really, realized, well, here I am teaching adults in the workplace, but realizing that myself, as a mom and at the time it was mom for three kids under three all in diapers, two are twins preemies. I realized, right? So Dr. Kam, when you mentioned, you know, we want to equip our teens with the skills, but we also want to equip ourselves in the context of parenting with these emotional fluency, awareness, intelligence, regulation skills ourselves. So then that really just educated myself at home and so I wanted to learn more, then really pivoted my career into education, was a Montessori school director for little toddlers, to working in K-12, to then teaching at University of California Irvine with undergrads and graduate students. So long story short, I think emotional intelligence is so important yet so tricky because It's different in different situations, but that's the fun part as well, right? Dr. Cam (03:11) Yeah. Yeah. And so let's get into, for people that aren't as like geeky about emotional intelligence as we are, how would you define it to people? What exactly is it? Dr. Jenny Woo (03:24) Yeah, you know, honestly, it's really about being smart with your emotions. But what does that mean, right? So it starts with being able to recognize our emotions. What are we experiencing? And by emotions, I'm not just talking about mad, sad, you know, but the nuances, the precision of what we're experiencing, because if we're feeling lonely, or neglected versus feeling hurt or inferior. Those are very, very different emotions, even though they all come up to feeling sad. So emotions are data. So understanding what that data is telling us, deciphering it into insights and regulating, taking action and addressing what our emotions are telling us is about being emotionally intelligent. And it's also about agility, right? You know, it's impossible to feel happy at all times. And our goal as parents is not to help our teens to be happy at all times, right? Dr. Cam (04:31) Exactly. That is a very unfair expectation. Dr. Jenny Woo (04:35) extremely unrealistic and unfair, and rather it's really about honoring these emotions and even the mixtures of conflicting emotions and regulating and, you know, also within ourselves and within others as parents or as teens with their peers and building those healthy relationship skills and boundaries, right? So that's what it is. It's knowing how to make emotions work for us and not against us. Dr. Cam (05:11) I love that because I think there's so much fear of emotions and I see a lot of parents because they create so much discomfort, their goal is always to get rid of the bad emotions and replace them with positive emotions. And I think we have this misunderstanding that emotional intelligence is always being okay. And what I love what you just said is it's information, it's data, it's really, it's understanding. Anger and sadness and embarrassment and all of these emotions that, like you said, there's such a wide range. And I think our emotional vocabulary is so constricted to like now it's just depression and anxious. It's all here. And there's so many more words that we're not utilizing and really defining to give us that insight in how we use it rather than trying to hide it. So tell me a little bit about how do you see right now the level of emotional intelligence in terms of just the new generation coming up. Dr. Jenny Woo (06:17) my goodness, I have so much to say. Well, you know, so I think, you know, think some of our listeners definitely have heard that we're in this epidemic of loneliness and isolation, right? But I would say beyond that, even before that, and this was just prior to the pandemic, I was really studying emotional intelligence in the academic world around, you know, the trends and the implications and how you can use it as a buffer for mental health. Dr. Cam (06:19) Good. Dang it. Dr. Jenny Woo (06:47) you know, problems. And even then there were meta analysis of studies showing that today's Western college students are less emotionally intelligent than they were a decade ago. And so you guys imagine this was pre pandemic. And so during the pandemic, we've done studies even on the little ones feeding up, right? How are they going to look? five, 10 years later, social, emotional, behavioral, right, skill sets. And, you know, right now what we're seeing trends is that, you know, unfortunately we are in an emotional recession. And so there's data, you know, provided by Six Seconds and also Gallup. I do a lot of speaking in the workplace at Google, cetera, and just did it with Kia, Conde, around how our Gen Z specifically. are really experiencing these emotional turmoil and they don't know who to turn to. And so you guys imagine, know, we're talking about teens when they go to college, you know, as a professor, I have college students coming to my office hour, you know, anxious about their life and their next steps and only thinking, you know, I've got to do this so that I can go to grad school, so then I can get that job, so then I can maybe after a few jobs finally do what I love. And I was like, wow, that is so tiring and draining just hearing you saying that, know, gotta do this, gotta do this, should, could, would, you know. And in the workplace, know, Gen Zs are really experiencing the most burnout, sadness, and stress. That's what we're seeing. And so the question becomes, you know, like, what can we do now, right, to equip our kids? with these emotional intelligence skills, these coping skills, to be able to know what they want, right? Take actions toward it. And also, like you said, stay resilient, understand how to manage adversity in the tough times. Dr. Cam (08:47) Jenny, so many questions are coming up for me when you're talking about this and the biggest one is why? Because we, through the decades, we have learned about emotional intelligence. We've learned about how to express our emotions. We've learned about the power of empathy, especially as parents. So I feel like we're more equipped to help our kids develop emotional intelligence than we ever have in the past. So why are we at a deficit? Dr. Jenny Woo (09:26) Yeah, and you know, this is really sort of population level trends, right? Not to say that ourselves individually, we are doing well. And to our credit, to the parents' credit, we are more involved moms and dads than, you know, how we were 50 years ago. And to the credits of our teens, they are more aware of their mental health needs, right? And they are incredible advocates. passionate for belonging, others, for all the geopolitical issues and activism that we're experiencing. So I don't want to put this in the lens of a deficit, right? We need to focus on strength-based. I think going back to the foundational why, mean, honestly, Dr. Cam, times are changing and they are accelerating changes rapidly. We've certainly gone through the pandemic. We have the combination of social media, the goods and bads and uglies, right? And sadly, economically speaking, our teens are less daring in terms of dreaming up. that they'll move out of the house, they'll have their own house, right? You know, all those things because of the barriers that we are facing today that we're seeing, right? So I think it's more structural, systemic, and know, things that are sort of out of your control in some ways, right? So how do you deal and manage with the uncontrollables? That becomes yet another thing to think about. But I think as parents, we need to give ourselves a pat on the back. It is extremely hard. But I do also have to call out that it's all about modeling too. And so for example, one of the things I've been talking about lately a lot is when we talk about social media or phone usage, these dopamine hits that we ourselves are very much drawn to. I think it's important to understand how we behave and use technology, right, before we say anything else about our kids. Dr. Cam (11:41) Yeah, I agree with that because, and even when you were saying with all the stress, I keep seeing social media having a negative impact on parents and their expectations on their kids and themselves that they're relaying more so often than I see the negative impact directly to the teenagers. I see it through the parents. And I think we're missing that a lot. Dr. Jenny Woo (12:10) Absolutely. I actually just did a television interview around the phenomenon of phobbing. so, phobbing, right? okay. So it's a slang, but now it's in the dictionary about it's phone snubbing. And so when we are so drawn to scrolling our phone, whether it's for recreational or checking our email, that we ignore the person or our team next to us. Dr. Cam (12:16) I don't know what this is. How many? Dr. Jenny Woo (12:37) who is talking to us or maybe sending those social signals, right? That they need a hug or they're grumpy, maybe they want to unload some things, right? Talk about some things. So this fubbing phenomenon, I think it was just, the stats are crazy and that, you know, most of us have been fubbed and we are the fubber. And in fact, it also cuts into marriage and that I think something about 90 % of married couples are saying that, you know, fubbing is really ruining their relationship. And so Dr. Cam, you're absolutely right in that it is not just impacting our teens. We need to shift the view within ourselves and understand how we're, you know, role modeling or not. Dr. Cam (13:23) Yeah, I always mentioned that my daughter's better at managing her tech use than I am with mine. Like it's very, very addictive and you always have the excuse of it's work. You know, it's important. It's like, no, looking at dog TikToks is not work. Like that's just, I can't, right? Dr. Jenny Woo (13:33) Exactly. Right. And we're sending this signal that my work or the dog TikTok is more important and interesting than you. mean, that really hurts. Dr. Cam (13:51) Yeah, not good. It is. It's not good. So let's talk about because one of the things I hear a lot is, ugh, this generation, ugh, they're so wussy. we've made them so weak and we've made them so like they can't handle anything, which upsets me because I don't feel like they all got together and said, hey, we're going to be wussy. They're growing up as part of the environment that they're in. So it's not any, if they're struggling, It's not on them, it's on the environment that's been created for them. So how do we help them become more resilient in a world that is far more, there's so much more stress, there's so much more pressure, there's so much more just distractions. How do we help our kids build that resilience and emotional intelligence? Dr. Jenny Woo (14:43) Dr. Cam, you know, as you mentioned, it's all about helping them to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, right? That emotional discomfort that experiencing. So as parents, our job is not to sweep all the negative emotions. And honestly, you know, a lot of parents say, how do I get rid of the bad emotions? My kids are experiencing all these bad emotions. And my point is, you need to re shift your mindset and understanding that there is no bad emotions, right? The negative emotions are really telling us what they need in terms of help, support, or maybe a different way of appraising, looking at something. And so taking those as cues for yourself, parents, as well as helping our teens understand what is it trying to say and being comfortable almost, you really accept that, you know, it's normal to feel these discomfort from just oddly weird emotions. Like you love your friend, but you're feeling jealous that they, you know, got that, you know, first place or getting a date or whatnot, you know? It's okay to hold these conflicting emotions at the same time. And you know what? It's okay that your emotional intensity at this time is rather high, whether because you're going through something, you're really stressed in other departments, right? So help them diagnose and understand the why behind it and the how, right? Building up those coping skills, right? Understanding what can you control in this situation? What can you not? And can you remove yourself from certain parts of the situation, right? To feel better. So those problem solving skills are also really important at this stage. Dr. Cam (18:25) It is, and it's I think for us, when we get caught up and we're all tired and overwhelmed and stressed, and I think we end up not being able to regulate our emotions very well sometimes. And this is one thing I'm always telling parents. I'm like, until you can regulate your own emotions, we can't really teach our kids how to regulate theirs very effectively. Because if they're seeing us lose it when we're upset, and then we get upset with them for losing it, it makes no sense. Right? So modeling that. So how do we as parents, when we're stressed and we're overwhelmed and we're exhausted, how do we model emotional intelligence and regulation in front of our teens when we just, we're having trouble finding it? Dr. Jenny Woo (19:13) Yeah, you know, we're not perfect. And again, we're not modeling perfection. I think there's some beauty to it and the messiness of being a human to simply call it out. Say, I am not on my best self. you know, say and express it, the why in age appropriate manners because teens, they love to help you problem solve. They love to feel the sense of power. and ability to help out. And that is also an opportunity to help them express their empathy skills without pushing them, nudging them too much, And so just say, I had a bad day at work, I'm not feeling my best. And you can even say, in case something comes out of my mouth, I apologize for that. Or I am not at my best because something had happened. We love your thoughts if you have time, interested, that kind of thing. Make it a conversation because so many times we feel like we're running into a wall when we're trying to pry these information out of them and you get the one word response. You're like, where do I go from there? And so start the conversation yourself. And this is also where we use our emotional intelligence skills to recognize their social cues. Are they latching on to certain things you said? Or do they seem really bored? Or they need to do something else, right? So then you can adapt what you say, what you share accordingly. But really, when we're having a bad day, don't force it, you know? Sometimes it's it's cloudy, know, almost time to rain and that's, the rain's not turning back, right? So you can remove yourself. Right? Just in the intense moments, remove yourself, take a pause and regroup before you go back to, you know, whatever's needed. Dr. Cam (21:15) I always, I tell my daughter too, I always told her that I gave myself more timeouts than her ever, because timeouts were about calming down. They weren't a punishment ever, but they were about like a space to just calm down. And I'm like, I need a timeout. I needed to give them to myself a lot because I wanted to approach it with an even mind and it's very hard to do. So here's one of the things I hear from parents a lot that I want you to address. I have to walk on eggshells because I'm worried that whatever I do is going to set my teen off. Please address that because that is completely emotional intelligence right there. What do we tell parents who are walking on eggshells? Dr. Jenny Woo (21:56) Yeah, and you know, I would say that feeling is absolutely real. In fact, a couple of years ago, the study came out of Stanford that really found that around the age of 13, our kids are almost like less drawn to their mother's voices in a way that's like repelling instead of attracting, right? because of this natural progression toward independence, individualization. So what that means is that they are anointed by you, you specifically, the mothers or really the parents, know, the people who have really been there for them this whole time, right? Dr. Cam (22:34) They are now annoying. Yes. Dr. Jenny Woo (22:46) Yeah, the way you chew, the way you look at them, right? And so you are very much feeling like you are walking on eggshells because anything could trigger annoyance, irritation, or just like one of those like remarks. You're like, where did that come from? Right? So first of all, don't take it personally. It's a developmental period. It's very tough for all of us, right? What you're feeling is real. And so I would lower your expectations of your ability to connect at some times, right? This is really sad to say for the person who came up with conversation skills, right? But we have to shift our expectations and our approach. And instead of, I think at this time, a lot of us are still sort of functioning in that realm where, you know, what's my agenda? What do I want to do? You know, I need to make sure my kid's doing the right thing right now. Yeah, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. You're going to have to change your rhythm to your team's rhythm. And, you know, a lot of the times when they are ready to open up, it's usually the time, say, I find that at like right before bedtime when you are so tired yourself, right? . And they are sleeping later, but you want to go to bed, right? So it's the most inconvenient times. But knowing that, I would really sort of pace yourself and allocate other times that are more, you know, when they're more open to be able to where, you know, it's less about walking on eggshells. They're more open to you. Dr. Cam (24:17) I think too when we were talking about the discomfort of difficult emotions and one of the things, and I'm curious to get your perspective on this because one of the things that I'll tell parents is they need to get comfortable with their kids not being okay or being upset and we're not about not, when we're tiptoeing around them, it's kind of showing, A, I'm kind of scared of your emotions and B, those emotions aren't okay rather than saying, I'm not going to tiptoe around you, I understand that they might upset you and being upset is okay. I'm just, I'm, that's something that you're going to do. You validate that. You say, yes, you're feeling upset. And it's more about setting the boundary of how they can express that to you of what you're comfortable with rather than trying not to get them to be upset. Is, let me, let me hear your perspective of that. Am I accurate on this? Dr. Jenny Woo (25:28) Yeah, yeah, I absolutely, I love that. And thank you so much for calling this out, right? Because, okay, another thing to remember is that emotions are states. They are temporary. They are transient. They're like the weather system. They will go away and it will be sunny again. You know, again, it will become cloudy. So as parents, we need to recognize that, you know, it's not all or nothing or end of the world. If your team is exploding, it will go away. And your goal is to give them that perspective that it will get better with time. It will go away. And honestly, that is how you build wisdom, right? And experience knowing that, you know, maybe an embarrassing thing happened. You, you cringy, you know, like all those things, all those influx of emotions. And they need to be able to express that, irritation, because one of the... One of the developing the best team coping skills, is, which is really our kryptonite is that our teams are great at dumping their emotions, their distress on their parents. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. So parents, you're the emotional dumpster, you know, you, you. Yeah. Dr. Cam (26:36) Yeah, safe place. You're welcome. Yeah. It's a compliment. Dr. Jenny Woo (26:46) because they will unload everything on you and they actually feel better in the meantime you are distraught anxious and going and worry like my gosh what are they what am i gonna do do i need to do anything they are you know like feeling upset which in the meantime they're less upset as you're thinking this Dr. Cam (26:49) Right, they've just done what they needed to do. And Jenny, I want to bring that up because I think that's the other big thing because parents are like, well, I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want them to explode because it's exhausting to me. And I think what I'm seeing is the reason that it's exhausting to us is because we feel like we need to step in and fix it and change it. And that's what's exhausting. If we let go of that need, if we go, that's their emotion, they need to work through it and it's okay and I'm here, but I'm letting go of the need to fix it. It's not exhausting. Dr. Jenny Woo (27:43) Exactly. Yeah, you know, like one of the biggest myth that I talk about at emotional intelligence is that a lot of parents and just people in general feel like, I'm empathic, empathetic, you know, I can tune into kids emotions, other people's emotions, I'm emotionally intelligent. That's absolutely wrong, because the other part of emotional intelligence is being able to regulate your emotions and those around you. So in this case, when you become that emotional dumpster. You are holding on to so many emotional baggage of yourself, your spouse, your kids. How can you emotionally intelligent, being emotionally intelligent to be able to sort of unload that for yourself or not carry that recognizing like you said Dr. Camp that this is my emotional boundary. I am here as a holding vessel but it's not my responsibility to carry it forever. So concretely speaking, it is about reminding yourself, these are all my control and these are not my emotions. You know, my goal has been served. I'm here to listen, but that's done. It's their sort of problem to solve, right? Their skills to build situations to understand and, know, building into, ways of unloading your emotion, whether it's taking a walk, doing journaling or treating yourself, right, to a nice massage. Being able to have that menu of syncing up with yourself and regulating your own emotion is about being emotionally intelligent. Dr. Cam (29:19) Absolutely. And a lot of parents will say, well, when do I have time to do all this? I'm so busy. And I say, when you stop spending all your time trying to change how your teen is feeling and trying to fix everything for your teen, you have tons of time to take care of yourself. And then it's something great for your teen because now you're giving them autonomy and the chance to learn how to take care of themselves. And it's like the best gift. But it's so hard for parents to embrace doing less is doing more for your teen. Dr. Jenny Woo (29:56) I love that. Yes. That's what I say all the time. Doing less is doing more. And this includes holding your tongue sometimes by saying less is saying more. And Dr. Cam, you write as a mom of teens and twins, twins. And, you know, I'm like, where is self-care time? Right. And I tell people, don't just focus on the self-caring part because that is yet another obligation. Think about how to enable others to care for you. And one of the easiest thing is to say, you know what, this is your problem. You got, you know, a C or D or you, you know, something you're going to have to figure out step by step. I'll give you the tools, help you, you know, understand how to smart goals, blah, blah, blah. But you need to take that process and take, take that step to fix it. That is caring for you, right? When they are doing what they need to do instead of you. hovering over them, know, nagging, right? That's saying, saying more, doing less, really. Yeah. Dr. Cam (30:55) Yeah, exhausting. Yeah. And I think part of this too is how do we, I think a lot of parents too, they're doing this because they're trying to teach their kids the critical thinking skills and the emotional regulation skills and empathy. But what I see a lot is they're trying to teach them by doing it for them over and over again. So how do we teach? And I think empathy is a big one that parents struggle with because Adolescence is a very egocentric phase. so empathy does not exude from teenagers and parents feel like, my God, I'm raising this kid that has no empathy whatsoever, especially for me. How do we address that in our kids if we feel like they're not developing empathy right now? Dr. Jenny Woo (31:46) Yeah, you know, one of the biggest thing coming out of empathy is really relating to suffering, right? Understanding how it feels like really walking in the shoes and the reality and we, know, Dr. Kim, you also just mentioned that parents doing everything for the kids, right? When you're doing so much for the kids, there is no ways for them to contribute. Contribution builds empathy, but also when you're not enabling them to take these micro failures, I understand as a parent this day and age, right, failure mistakes are high stakes. I understand that, but there are micro failures, okay? Getting a bad grade on a quiz or on a test, it's okay, right? So allowing them to experience these pleasant emotions, having been there themselves experiencing the sufferings and their lens, right, and their world. They're better able to relate to others, to their peers. And this may even go with exclusion, right? You don't know how being excluded feel like until you've kind of felt some of that, right? And the parents, right, even starting young or setting up these play dates, working out the conflicts with other parents of the kids who are, you know, did something, said something wrong, right? Those are paving the way, but your kids have never experienced what it feels like. How can they even begin to relate to others, you know, and help others in expressing those empathy? So again, it goes back to doing less, right, to have more impact. Yeah. Dr. Cam (33:28) I think also being able to empathize with our kids, even if we think it's silly, you know, like if they're coming home with something and they're stressing out, a lot of times we as parents, and I say we because I do this too, we try to be like, it's not so bad or it's not going to, you don't have to worry about it or it's not a big deal. That's not empathizing. That's dismissing. And so they stop, they don't learn how to empathize when they're not being empathized with. I think too, and I think we have to be really very, very intentional on how are we modeling empathy towards them. Dr. Jenny Woo (34:09) Yes, yes, always validate their feelings, right, before problem solving. It might be a small, you know, no deal, like a small thing to you, but it's a big deal in their eyes. And it's important to honor what they're feeling when they feel respected and heard and understood. That's how feeling on the receiving end of empathy feels like. And they love that. They want to help other people to feel that. And also it's not just a dyad type of dynamic where, you know, we're always thinking of either the parent or the teen, but you can also model that, you know, with other people in front of them, whether it's their friends, your significant other, even a character in the movies, you know, even an antagonist in like a story. Right? So being able to really model that in all different contexts will help your team understand how to express it. Dr. Cam (35:15) Yeah, I think it's so important and Jenny, I want to ask you too, because I know and of course I'm on social media all the time too, but I think one of the most ridiculed parent tip that a lot of other people will say is this, like, why do we have to validate their emotions? Isn't that what's making them so weak? Isn't that what's coddling them? And I hear this a lot. And I would love your response, because I work with teens, so I know exactly the impact it has. But I'm curious from your perspective, what do you have to say, not that we're going to convince anyone differently, but I just want to hear from you. What do you say to that belief that recognizing and validating emotions is coddling and weakening our kids? Dr. Jenny Woo (36:03) Yeah, and you know, there's so much actually gendered nuance to that as well, right? We tend to do more of that to boys, right? Because when we validate, we're acknowledging maybe you're weak, right? You can't handle it. And so there's also a cultural aspect as, you know, Chinese American, right? I find that a lot of people of color, you know, families are, you know, suck it up. I am an immigrant. I had to deal with this and this and this. You, you just have to focus on school, right? So yeah, exactly. So, so those are sort of the dynamics that I see a lot. But you know what? As someone who teaches college students, I can't tell you how many behind the door conversations I have with these amazingly achievement-focused driven college students that go all the way back to, well, my parents said this, I can't be happy. I am not enough. And why am I so weak? I should be able to handle it. And they really just keep going and going, not having that emotional awareness of the fact that they need help. They need support. And so this help seeking behavior becomes nonexistent and they don't have that barometer of understanding when enough is enough or when they need to slow down and take a break. And I can also tell you, when I mentioned I work with Twilight years as a cognitive neuroscience researcher, I did a lot of interventions with adults 70 plus. And it was really about their memory intervention, right? How to build strength and working memory, all that good stuff. But what comes up is really this growth mindset of, you know, like, I can't do it because when I was young, you know, I was told and, you know, and dealing with those emotions, again, the mixed emotion of I am getting older, right? But yet I'm getting more mature, you know, sort of just the good and the bad, right? So I would say, recognize, are you doing this only to your sons or also to your daughters, right? And what are some of the upbringing messages as parents that you have heard that you're carrying on to your kids? Is that appropriate? And what's the worst that could happen by acknowledging your kids' emotions, right? What's the worst that could, only the good, right? And we do this to ourselves. We have less self-compassion because we say this. like suck it up to ourselves and we are hesitant to give ourselves credit because we feel like that will make us complacent, right? We do the same thing and look at ourselves, all the anxiety and the stress we're experiencing because of this very same act. So, you know, for those who are not brought up this way, I would say experiment, keep an open mind, right? Yeah. Dr. Cam (38:58) It is so incredible. And I talk to teenagers every single day. And it's exactly that the messages that they're getting if they're struggling is not, it doesn't make them feel better to say, it up, or you can do this or not validate those emotions. It doesn't make those emotions go away. It makes them feel shame for those emotions and makes them kind of hold them in and make them resent. their parents and the people that told them that rather than helping them express and deal with them. So there's a lot and like you said, at 70, they're still have that because that happened when those formative years, which is adolescence of how we form our identity and how we recognize our emotions and learn to manage them. So I think it's so important and I love just just try it because it is absolutely amazing when you do validate. The connection it builds between you and the trust and respect it builds between you and your child too, which is the foundation of everything else you do as a parent. Dr. Jenny Woo (40:20) Yeah, and can I call out something Dr. Kim, you just said that really hit home, Resentment. You said that word. And let me put it into the parenting context, right? We experience resentment and bitterness when we are not being acknowledged by others, people in our family, right? Dr. Cam (40:23) Of course you can. Dr. Jenny Woo (40:43) whether you're a stay at home mom, a working mom, you know, sometimes we go through these motions of doing the parenting role without being acknowledged, recognized and understood like, wow, this is a really hard job. You know, I don't care if you're working, not working. This is really, really hard. When's the last time somebody told us that, right? When's the last time we said that to our partner or being told of that, right? So that fosters a lot of resentment. And this really is the very same effect to our teens. mean, come on homework these days. Like they are crazy. The volume, the sheer volume, the sheer like acceleration of content, right? What's the last time we said to our teens, wow, I cannot do what you do. I, this was not my teenage years, right? So, so being, that is a sign of respect. That is a sign of relating, which is one of the key elements that our teens need right, to feel powerful, to feel understood. And so again, try it, do it, you know, and it's expressing empathy. Dr. Cam (41:48) Exactly. That's where they learn to empathize is when they feel that empathy and validation back. So Jenny, we are up on time. We've gone over, because I love this topic, but tell us where people can find you, first of all. Dr. Jenny Woo (42:03) Absolutely. You can find me on Instagram or Facebook. It's at MindBring Parenting. My tools, free resources are on my website, which is mindbraingemotion.com. And I have a YouTube channel with lots of free life skills for teens, tweens, and kids. And it's at MindBring Emotion. I'm also on LinkedIn. Dr. Cam (42:27) Fantastic. And what is one big takeaway from all of this, because we covered a lot, that you want parents to at least walk away, if they walk away with one thing, what is it going to be? I know. Dr. Jenny Woo (42:38) my goodness. We said so many. I would say, you know, I really like this message of doing less and having more impact. So parents smart, everyone. This is the time to allow your teens to experience emotional discomfort, to struggle a bit to really understand but validate their emotions along the way and give support when it's time. Dr. Cam (42:47) That is wonderful, wonderful advice. second that completely. Thank you so much, Jenny, for joining us. I really appreciate it. Dr. Jenny Woo (43:14) thank you, Dr. Cam. This is so much fun. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is a valuable resource for parents navigating the challenges of raising teens. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, a clinical psychologist and certified parenting coach, the podcast offers expert advice, practical parenting strategies, and insights to help you connect with your teen, improve communication, and support their emotional development. Whether you’re looking for strategies to address teen behavior or improve your relationship, each episode is packed with actionable tips and real-world advice. #ParentingTeens #EmotionalIntelligence #TeenParenting #TheTeenTranslator

Jan 14

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with life coach and former teacher Kristi Simons to dive into the secrets of building teen confidence. They discuss why self-awareness is the foundation of confidence, how parents can encourage emotional expression, and why resilience matters more than confidence alone. Kristi shares powerful insights on shifting internal beliefs, fostering self-worth, and creating a supportive environment where teens feel seen, heard, and valued. If you're looking for practical ways to help your teen navigate self-doubt and embrace their full potential, this episode is for you. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The connection between self-awareness and confidence in teens. How to create a safe space for emotional expression. Why resilience is the real key to long-term confidence. The power of positive reinforcement in shaping self-esteem. Actionable strategies to help your teen overcome self-doubt. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Self-Awareness Fuels Confidence – Teens who understand their emotions and thought patterns develop a stronger sense of self-worth. Encourage reflection and emotional awareness. Emotional Expression Builds Strength – Suppressing emotions leads to self-doubt. Let your teen know it's okay to express how they feel without fear of judgment. Kindness is a Confidence Booster – The way you talk to your teen (and yourself!) influences their self-perception. Kindness and encouragement go a long way. Resilience Over Perfection – Confidence isn’t about never failing—it’s about bouncing back. Teach your teen that setbacks are learning opportunities, not defeats. Believe in Them First – Your teen mirrors your belief in them. Show them you trust their abilities, and they’ll start believing in themselves too. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Unlocking Teen Confidence: A Journey Begins 05:54 – Understanding Teen Challenges: The Struggle for Self-Awareness 11:54 – Embracing Emotions: The Key to Resilience 17:52 – Reverse Engineering Confidence: Practical Steps for Parents 23:55 – Creating a Safe Space: Encouraging Open Communication 29:48 – Final Thoughts: Empowering Teens Through Kindness CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kristi Simons Website: kristisimonscoaching.com Instagram: @confidentteenteacher CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell THE FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Hey parents, are you ready to unlock the secrets to building your teens confidence? In today's episode, we're diving deep into how to help our teens tackle challenges with a strong sense of self, whether they're facing struggles at home or feeling the pressure at school. And we've got a special guest with us, Christy Simons, a former teacher turned teen life coach, who's on a mission to equip teens with the life skills she was she had growing up. Me too. Skills that build true confidence and resilience. So if you're looking for ways to help your team not only survive, but thrive, this episode is for you. Welcome, Christy. Kristi Simons (00:43) Thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful to be here. These conversations energize me in the best of ways. So I just appreciate your time and the space to have them. Dr. Cam (00:53) Well, thank you for saying that. I appreciate that too. And I would love to start just by hearing your story. How did you go from a teacher to a teen life coach? Kristi Simons (01:02) Yeah, so I'll try to make this as short as possible. But what happened for me was my teen years is where all of, I would say a lot of my trauma was really rooted. And it wasn't something I realized until I became a mom for the first time. So that's when the shift really happened. I started to lean into things that I desired in different a different way of living, honestly, because I knew that a change needed to happen. And that change had to start with me. And I'm not even really honestly sure how I knew that but My son really changed everything for me, my daughter as well. After two mental health breakdowns, I finally decided that coaching was the right route for me. So I hired my own coach. I stepped into such an inspiring community with all of these incredible women. And I just looked around and I was like, my gosh, it's like there's a different way. And what started to come to me was that they were speaking like a completely different language. And it was this language of self-love, confidence and empowerment that I feel like I wasn't really surrounded by before. And so things slowly started to piece themselves back together. I mean, I really do feel like motherhood for me just shattered me into pieces. And there were pieces of myself that needed to fall away and others that were meant to stay. It's just, had to figure out how to put them back together. And so that's what coaching and community really did for me. And I found myself a little after four years starting my own podcast. And the reason that it ended up being, you know, teens specifically that I work with. Honestly, truthfully, I sit here today and I'm still like, how did this happen? Like to me, it's just, I look back and I can see all of the breadcrumbs. But honestly, I tell people like it just kind of happened organically. And there's something bigger at play here, I truly believe. But that's a different conversation. And so yeah, I started to initially help teens through the pandemic. A lot of them were just dropping out of high school for multiple reasons, mainly main one being like their mental health and just the way that they were actually feeling. And so I started helping them in that capacity. And then I realized how much coaching had changed my life and the trajectory of it. I became sober. I still am three years later. Like there's just so many shifts that have happened for me in such a positive way that I knew that I wanted to give back in that way as well. So I started doing like tutoring and life coaching, and now it's just moved into full life coaching. yeah. Dr. Cam (03:30) That's fantastic. And so what are some of the common, I guess, common challenges you're seeing that teens have today that is wearing on their confidence? Kristi Simons (03:43) You know what it is that I can see so clearly? Well, one, the first thing that's coming to me is just helping them to be more aware of what I am noticing, like helping them to recognize in themselves what's actually going on. But what I really see is they don't know how to reverse engineer how they actually want to feel. And they keep coming up against these blocks and these challenges in their lives that are really keeping them stuck where they are, because I hear that often from them. They do feel stuck. They feel like they need to constantly be comparing themselves to others. They're worried about others' opinions. So there's evidence just from the clients that I work with that there's people pleasing involved. So it's how do we now start to help them to understand that they are, in fact, their own person and that they can trust themselves. And so I would say a lot of it is that. It may seem like these external factors to them, but really what's happening is it's like the internal, it's the beliefs that they have about themselves. And so it's trying to get them to shift their perspective to that language of self-love, confidence, and empowerment that I feel like I learned later in life. But now that I know it, I feel like it's like my duty to teach it. So this is why I stepped out of the classroom to do this. And again, it's just to me, I'm still just like, wow, it's kind of like this like holy shit moment where I'm like, can't believe this is actually the work that I'm doing. Because you recognize like those qualities within yourself, like you can't do this work unless you actually have confidence and you feel empowered in your life, or at least you're moving in that direction. I mean, it's a constant evolution. And there's always going to be struggles and challenges. But you come to this place where you really do realize that you are like this machine that is capable of so, so much. Dr. Cam (05:06) And teaching teens how to embrace that when they're still in the process of like developing their self-confidence and developing those connections in their brains. Imagine if we can develop at the beginning their self-confidence built into their self-esteem or built into their self-concept because I do know a lot of adults that still mean like still struggle with confidence because our whole And as you said, as teens, we grew up with this belief that we weren't enough, and that was hardwired into who we think we are. And it's very difficult to change that once it's so set. It can be done. It's just a lot of hard work. So how do we as parents start building that foundation of confidence and positive self-esteem in our kids without the over because I know a lot of parents worry, my gosh, I don't want them to become egotistical. I don't want them to become narcissistic. I don't want them to become entitled. And so I think there's this fear of going there and we almost overcompensate for that fear. And I see a lot with parents where they're just putting their kids down a lot, but not because of that fear. Like they don't want their kids to have a false sense of ego. How do we balance that? Kristi Simons (06:41) Okay, so what's coming to me right now, and I'm all about simplicity, so I'm going to keep this super simple, but it really comes back to just seeing things through a lens of love. Like if we can just remember that sentence. And again, it's the beliefs that we have within ourselves as well. So we really need to pay attention and be aware of that. But this is going to be a really silly example. And I know my husband thinks I'm super strange for doing this, but it honestly works. And this is just like to make a point. So he bought me flowers for our anniversary and this was October 30th was our anniversary. And so these flowers are still alive. And I know that they are alive because I continuously every morning I do one thing. It's like one small habit for these flowers so that I can keep them as long as possible. I will fill them up with new water and I will literally talk to, like I will speak to them and I will speak into the water and I will just give like positive energy to them, like stay alive essentially, but you're beautiful. You're so powerful, like you're so strong. And I swear to you, I will go get them if you want me to prove they are still alive. And when I think about the fact that we as human beings are like, I don't know if it's like 70 % energy or something, don't quote me on that, but it's close. It's all in the way that we speak. It's all in the way that we show up. It's in the way that we communicate. Like to me, like your words have such power. And so if just by, and this is just me doing an experiment to prove to my husband that these things are going to be alive till freaking Christmas, and then he'll finally believe me. But it's true if we can understand that from that perspective, like 90 % of, 90 % of life I believe is all about energy. The other 10 % is strategy. Dr. Cam (08:19) I want to see that. That'd be amazing. Kristi Simons (08:46) And once you can, you know, as I said, really see things through a lens of love and just start communicating in small ways to help build the confidence for them. Like for me, I didn't have that belief until my coach started to instill it in me. I had zero belief. All I knew is I wanted to change, but I had no idea how. Like there wasn't any belief. So it took her holding that belief for me and seeing it for me before I could see it and believe it for myself. I feel like we all need those people in our lives. So it's really about just shifting the conversation and also like giving ourselves a ton of compassion as well, because I know there's conversations that I used to have about other people, about myself, that yeah, I just, don't want to be hard on myself for that anymore. It's just about, okay, today, like what can I do to start making some changes and focusing in a direction that actually benefits everybody. Dr. Cam (09:34) Yeah, I love that and setting that expectation of it is it's just changing what you hear because that changes the voice in your head. Like you take the voice that you hear in your head is really the voice you heard often from your parents growing up, right? It becomes your internal. And so a lot of times parents get very focused on fixing and changing and improving their kids for good reason, like I understand why they're doing it, but it comes across as constantly, you know, nagging and berating and changing and criticizing and judging and all of a sudden, and I get all these kids coming into my office that have zero self-esteem and everything is a should for them. Like I should do this, I should be this, I should feel that. And that's because the messages have come to them constantly that what they're doing and who they are is not enough, they should be more. And they're never gonna be that because no matter what they are, there's still more that they should be. And that feels completely defeating. So how do we as parents balance this motivation and teaching with our kids where we wanna give them guidance and we wanna help them grow and develop and learn? How do we balance that with this positive reinforcement in positive words so that we're giving them an internal voice that is compassionate to them. Kristi Simons (11:12) Yeah, I love this question. it really to me, it's all about, well, first the belief. So if we're starting to instill some beliefs in them, some new beliefs, that's already going to be a step one, right? And then what comes next, it's really about, okay, if you have those beliefs, like what are the thoughts that you're having? So what I see with my clients is just the importance of having more of a connection with themselves and actually you know, speaking about their feelings, journaling about their feelings. And I know that for a lot of parents, like that's a big like, like, wouldn't it be nice, like something that they put on their wishlist? Like, wouldn't it be nice if my teen like knew how to feel their feelings rather than holding them in because they know what that can do like internally for their system. And so it's just really about helping them to express that. And again, it in the beginning, It may seem awkward or feel awkward for everybody because if it's not something you're used to doing, of course it's going to be different. When you're creating change, there's going to be that discomfort. And so what I see is just for them, it's really being aware of their thoughts and learning to think about what they actually think about. And then once you're in that space, you can then take action from a different perspective. Because to me, it all comes down to choice. We all have a choice in that moment, whether we want to lean into all of the limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves or whether we want to lean into the feelings that we're actually desiring to feel. Because again, to me, at the end of the day, all of this, it all comes back to feeling. We want to feel connected to our children. They want to feel confident. They want to feel proud of themselves. These are words that I hear from my clients. It has more to do with what they're experiencing internally rather than the external. So we really have to come back to a place of how do we encourage them slowly to start either, you know, connecting with a mentor, connecting with a teacher, a best friend, a cousin, like a role model, somebody that really inspires them in their life. Like find them that person. If you still feel that, you know, there's stuff that you want to work on for yourself and just start having those conversations with them, start exposing them to a different language. This is what this is. And I feel like for a lot of people, like even leaning into that feels uncomfortable. And that's where the confidence is created. And I feel like that's the part that we often miss is to be emotionally uncomfortable is where you will start to build the resilience and the knowing and the evidence that you are in fact capable of overcoming anything in your life because what doesn't challenge you won't change you. So that's essentially what we're after. Dr. Cam (14:02) Let's dig into the emotion thing because I think this is something that I see a lot of parents struggle with for good reason again. Hard emotions are uncomfortable as you just said and I think being able to be okay in that discomfort is what is so important because as you were saying, a lot of kids learn to push down their emotions or they don't learn to regulate their emotions. And what I commonly see is we're uncomfortable with that emotion, anger, sadness, frustration, mean, jealousy, any of those things. Our knee-jerk reaction is to shut the emotion down, change the emotion, or just completely brush the emotion off and say, it's not that big a deal. When we do that with these big emotions that are just as equally fair and needed as happiness and pride and excitement, right? We are okay with those being really big. We're not okay with the other emotions. So when those emotions come up, allowing our kids to feel those emotions without trying to change them, without trying to fix them is part of what builds confidence because we are, especially teenagers, they are their emotions. that leads every day, they are living in their emotions. So when we tell them their emotions are wrong, or we try to push back their emotions, we're telling them they're wrong, that something's wrong with them, that how they're feeling is not okay, which means they're not okay. And I think that's what I'm, then they don't trust themselves. They start going, well, if I'm feeling this way about this and I shouldn't, then I don't trust how I feel. So I don't trust myself. So there goes my confidence in my ability to understand what's going on. Do you agree with that? . Kristi Simons (16:01) yeah, 100%. And I just, you know what I know to be true for me as well is just that my teen self would have understood this if somebody explained it to her, that the E in emotion stands for energy in motion. So when I actually started to understand that I was more of an energetic being, and that these emotions were essentially energy, I’m so visual. So I really started to like connect with that and I could see when my energy would shift. So now I'm actually making like, like I'm not always up in my head. It's like you're actually making like a mind and body connection. And I feel like that's super important because then you're able to actually feel what it feels to be grounded, feel what it feels to be present. And I think that that's super important as well. So for me, that was huge. then again, being able to like some of the biggest aha moments I feel like my clients have is when they realize that rather than as you said, being like, like the victim of the emotion, because all emotions are so important and need to be celebrated, right? It's like you, you learn to become friends with them and actually hear what they are trying to tell you because you have all the answers within. So what I help them to do is rather than be a victim to the emotion, help them to be the coach, once they get to that point in their lives, which is so beautiful to see. And also just like the creator of how they want to feel. So leaning more into that and then actually challenging themselves to reframe. And I feel like those three roles that they can play in their lives, the coach, the challenger and the creator are just, they're so empowering. It's literally called the empowerment dynamic. It is not mine. It is just a tool, another strategy that I teach. But yeah, so many of these different ways of being that once you're aware of them, you're like, my gosh, why didn't I know this before? it's a muscle though. This is the thing. It's a muscle. Like anything else in life that say we desire, I desire to run a full marathon this year. And I'm not going to lie to you. When I signed up, I was like, yeah, fully confident. Then throughout the year, holy gosh, it was a roller coaster. I was like, I don't think I can do this. Now I'm ready for sure. No, I can't do this. I was all over the map. But it really just came back to the person that I had to become along that journey and the overcoming of each and every emotion and each and every belief that was telling me that I couldn't or I shouldn't or whatever the case may be. Like once it finally came race day, it wasn't even so much crossing the finish line. Like I am looking back now thinking to myself like, yes, I did run and complete a full marathon. And I'm proud of myself for that, but I'm so much more proud of every small step that led me to that finish line along the way, because I was overcoming so much and I was proving to myself that I'm capable. Dr. Cam (18:43) You kept doing it. So having those wins and those examples of overcoming difficult things and going, you can overcome difficult things. You have overcome difficult things, I think is so important too because we often focus on what they could do or they can do in the future. And that causes a lot of anxiety and pressure because they question if they can. So now they just feel pressure to do it. But when we focus more on what they already accomplished, they've already done. This then builds that belief in themselves. Yeah, I do do that, which now, since I have all these examples of me succeeding in the past, I can do it in the future. And I think what's really important and what you were saying, like we're going up and down in our belief system. I think for parents, what we need to learn to do is have a belief system in our kids that is on the up all the time. giving them the benefit of the doubt, believing that they are a good person doing the best they can, believing that there is a reason underlying whatever they're doing and it's not just to annoy us and be difficult. And when we change our mindset about our kids, changes our approach to our kids, which changes the words and the tone and the dynamic with our kids, which changes how our kids feel about themselves. Kristi Simons (20:25) my gosh, I love this conversation so much. I really love you. You're so fantastic. You just gave me a visual this time. Like now I'm seeing a literal like ladder, like a ladder almost of like believability. Like it's constantly as you were describing this. And this is why I connected with you, especially through your Instagram, because when you were explaining things and using your hands, I just feel like the way you explain things, I like, you have a gift of being able to explain things that I can like visually see, which is so, so cool. But yeah, this time I was literally seeing like this ladder of believability. So every step you take, like you are building that belief and it's just constantly going to grow and get better and better and stronger and stronger. Yeah, you just have to keep taking the actionable steps and moving up. Like there's no way, the only way out is through and it's gonna be up. It's gonna be up. Dr. Cam (21:11) It is, and just keep stepping there. And I think I wanna address Christy, I want you to help me address and help kids. And thank you, thank you for that compliment, that made my day. That boosted my confidence. So when we, when we've got a teen right now, let's say, and they're struggling with confidence, right? And we see them and we get this, and this happens a lot when they go into middle school and high school because they start comparing, as you said, comparing themselves. Kristi Simons (21:24) You're welcome. Dr. Cam (21:41) Our word as parents becomes completely irrelevant, right? Kids no longer believe R, but you're smart, but you're beautiful, but you're, they're like, you have to say that you're my mom. You have to say that you're my dad. So it has zero value to them anymore. So now we're in a place, kids are insecure. We don't have a lot of power in our words so much anymore. How do we help boost their confidence now. How do we start and I loved I want to get to that reverse engineering you said I wrote that down I love that talk to us a little bit about how do we as parents help reverse engineer their belief system now. Kristi Simons (22:24) Yeah. So what comes up for me is just be brave, trust yourself, take action. Because this is an affirmation that I have been speaking to myself for, gosh, probably four plus years now. And it just helps me to remember that we need to be brave enough to actually lean into like what's going on, what the root cause is. Because to me, if you're telling your teen something that is making them uncomfortable in that way, like something like, I'm so proud of you or you're so beautiful and they're not receiving that. It's because they don't have that belief, like they don't believe that about themselves. So at some point in the game, like they started to believe that they're not enough and that they're not worthy of a compliment like that. And so this isn't something that can just be changed overnight, but I do believe by leaning into, you know, what is it that hurt you? Like, what is it that is causing that blocks, like just asking them plain and simply like, how come? And if they're not ready to talk about it, they're not ready, but at least they know that with you, they have like a safe place to land if they ever need to. But once you actually do connect with that, and again, sometimes it's just about talking through that with other people, if they're not as open to communicating. Again, I don't have a teenager. So again, it's so interesting that I fell into this work based on what I have needed as a teen. I'm really hoping that this work helps me as I move along as a parent of teens. Dr. Cam (23:53) It does because I started this with Mike without a teen and now she's 18. It works people. do everything I teach and it's like what's fun Christy is she is Kristi Simons (23:59) Yeah. Yeah. Well, what I see with my clients, but I don't have like, my own. So I'm like, I can't speak to that yet. Dr. Cam (24:07) Yeah. And I have a kid and the whole focus for her, a big piece of how I interacted with her was to ensure as best as I could that she felt confident in herself. And that kid feels confident in herself. She's, it's amazing. Does she have a big ego? No, not even remotely, but she pushes herself and tries and it's okay failing. And she steps up and does it again and again. And like, she's so incredibly resilient. So I think, and that's, I think that's bigger than the confidence. She's resilient. She goes up and down in confidence as we all do, but she keeps getting up and keeps getting up and she's able to do it and not giving up. And I am proud of myself as a parent for being able to help her instill that because I did it without necessarily feeling it myself. Kristi Simons (25:06) So I think exactly what you just said, I'm gonna veer off what I was saying because it just came to me so clearly. That's exactly what we need to be doing as parents as well. Like that is my reminder. I'm gonna hope that that stays and it sticks, but they keep getting up and trying again and again. I feel like that's the same way that we should be showing up for them if we wanna see like lasting sustainable change. You need to say it over and over again. And yeah, it's going to probably drive you a little crazy, you're probably gonna feel frustrated. You might hit your red zone in some ways because yeah, it's gonna be emotionally uncomfortable. know again, as I said, like even just as a parent, like seeing my toddlers in discomfort, it already, it just, pulls at your heartstrings. It's not fun. But at the same time, I feel like, yeah, we're doing them such a disservice by not showing up for them in this way. Like it is just so important to continuously speak to them in that way because when I truly think on a daily basis, even with the awareness that I have, I still have thoughts that loop in my mind and I will catch myself. I'm like, my gosh, that is terrible. I can't believe you just thought that about yourself. And then it just makes you wonder, you know, that's what the upbringing and the expectations, you know, that I had in my family, like things are totally different now. And it's just, makes you wonder like, you know, what thoughts they're thinking in their minds on a day to day basis. And so it's just, I feel like it's so important to be just kind with people because you don't know the battles that they are facing. And so, yeah, you just gotta keep, as much as it feels annoying, I promise you it's not, it'll be worth it. Just keep reinforcing the positive belief because it's like, it's there, it exists. You just have to make the choice to choose it. Dr. Cam (26:51) Christy, I think when you just said kind, that to me is bottom line. as parents, and this has been my approach as parenting the whole time, whenever I approach something, and there's times that I'm not in a great mood, but in general, overall, my approach is kind. It's all about kindness. And it's no matter what is going on, no matter what the situation is, you have a choice to respond in either being harsh and unkind or being kind. No matter what the situation is, you always, always, always have that choice. And as a parent, we should always, always, always be choosing kindness with our kids. There's no reason not to. And when we approach them with kindness, that gives them that belief in themselves that they are worthy of being treated kindly. And when they're feeling worthy of being treated kindly, that gives them that sense of like, I'm not okay when somebody treats me unkindly. I can recognize that and I'm not okay with that. When we treat them unkindly, they believe that that's how they should be treated. And they keep finding those situations in their life and saying, I deserve being treated that way because I've always been treated that way. So I think it's really important that how we treat our kids is teaching them how to treat others, but how others should treat them. And that to me is bottom line essential as a parent. Kristi Simons (28:23) Yeah. And so important also to your point that, you know, just in teaching and being kind to them, I feel like it's just so it's equally as important for them to be kind to themselves for us to be kind to ourselves. Like I know even like with my toddlers, for example, like there are times where again, yes, still human. So I will react. And then I have in that moment, the choice to, you know, continue reacting or to become aware of it and then just repair it. But I feel like the in-between, like what we sometimes miss, which is why it makes it so hard to repair, is because we lack kindness for ourselves. We lack empathy for ourselves. So then our hurt just keeps projecting onto them. So it's really about healing ourselves. And I feel like this is one of the biggest things that needs to start happening for our teens. It's again, it's a lot of everybody's discomfort that gets in the way from them actually achieving. Dr. Cam (28:53) That is the biggest thing. It is our discomfort. And I think we need to be able to be aware when we're uncomfortable and that is not our teens' to make us feel comfortable. That's not on them. That's us to be able to sit in that discomfort and not have to fix it for them, but just be there for them while they figure it out. And when they're able to figure it out and know it's okay to not be okay, I think that's the biggest thing. A lot of parents say, I just want my teen to be happy. I just want them to be happy. And that is such an unfair expectation to put on our kid. Nobody on the planet is happy all the time. And that, you know, to be able to not be happy is something that I want for my teen too, to be able to be okay when they're not happy, when she's not happy, knowing that she's going to get through it. That's important to me. Kristi Simons (30:20) I love that. So beautiful. Dr. Cam (30:21) Yeah. So confidence is this internal thing that we want to help build, but what we do as parents is we're reflecting back how they think about themselves. Anything that you want to make sure parents walk away with from this episode. Kristi Simons (30:47) I think the last thing that was coming for me was just that there can be so much information out there. And like, I want parents to have the same confidence that I want their teens to have, right? Like I want them to just believe in trust in themselves and the decisions that they're making and that they're right there for their families. Like I am just somebody who's here. I feel more so like as a vessel just to share with all of you this language because I believe that it is a very positive direction for everybody. So I would just say like to keep it simple. And by simple, mean just literally lean into what feels good for you. Like that's all that you have to do. Just ask yourself in that moment, stop and be aware and just ask yourself like what is going to help like just essentially shine more light rather than, you know, keep them stuck in the dark. And I feel like if you can just continuously remind yourself of that, you're already on the right track. And over time, once the language shifts, like everything just becomes easier. Dr. Cam (31:42) Once it becomes natural. you know, I want to kind of add to that a little bit too, Christy, because I think that is such an essential message. And it's one that I don't feel like I repeat enough. If parents, I hear from parents a lot, I'm failing. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I've done everything wrong. And when we get stuck in that mindset, we don't end up growing or moving or changing or doing the things that can replicate and repair that. So I think if you're first of all, if you're listening to this, you're a damn good parent because you're taking time out to listen to how to be a better parent. So you're already a good parent. So you can't say you're failing. Sorry. Take that off the table. Not allowed. Even when we have made mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake, we're still not failing as a parent if we keep saying, What can I learn from each time? What can I do differently today? What can I learn today to be a little bit better than I was yesterday? Then you're not failing. So I think I love that where we were does not define where we are now and where we're going to be able and where we can go. Kristi Simons (33:11) Yeah, I honestly would just like to highlight and just encourage you to just look back at your journey with them. Like take time, like if you're ever really feeling frustrated, if you all of a sudden realize that your emotions are shifting and you know, you're angry or you're upset or you feel disrespected, like whatever the case may be. In that moment, here's a little tool for you, can use just literally start from like when they were like first born and take yourself like through like the years of you know, just their life so far and all of like your happiest memories, I promise you it will shift your energy in that moment and it will help you to make a more conscious and aware decision. Dr. Cam (33:39) That is a phenomenal tip. We will leave with that tip. That was really good. Christy, how do people find you? Kristi Simons (33:52) So I'm most active on Instagram, I would say. So you can find me at Confident Teen Teacher. Apart from that, I am opening my books right now for teen audits. So that's the first step. If your teen is looking for support, that's the first step they can take on their journey. Just fill out that application and then we do that initial audit and action plan to see if it's a good fit. And then we would move into a coaching container if it is. So you can find all of that at my website. It's just Christy Simons, S-I-M-O-N-S, my goodness, can't even spell my last name, .com forward slash teen audit. And then, the podcast as well. Yeah, if you love listening to podcasts like this one, and you just love listening to inspiring and meaningful conversations, yeah, Confident Teen Podcast, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Dr. Cam (34:29) Fantastic, and I will put all the stuff in the notes so people can find it. Christy, thank you so much for joining me today. Kristi Simons (34:52) Thank you. It was lovely. I told you, I feel so freaking energized. So energized. Dr. Cam (34:57) I know I love talking about this stuff. This is great. I really enjoyed talking to you too. About the Show The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers expert advice, practical parenting strategies, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #ParentingTeens #TeenConfidence #RaisingResilientTeens #TheTeenTranslator

Nov 28, 2024

In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Elaine Taylor-Klaus to explore the challenges and strategies for raising neurodiverse teens. Elaine shares her personal journey as a mom of neurodiverse kids and how she became a coach to help other parents. They discuss the shifting perceptions of ADHD and autism, the increasing diagnoses, and why neurodiversity should be seen as an evolutionary adaptation rather than a deficit. The conversation focuses on collaborative problem-solving, trust-building, and fostering teen autonomy, as well as the role of medication in supporting neurodiverse youth. WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to shift your mindset around ADHD and autism The benefits of coaching for parents of neurodiverse teens Why collaborative problem-solving builds stronger parent-teen relationships The role of medication in supporting neurodiverse individuals How to empower your teen by meeting them where they are 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF NEURODIVERSE TEENS Coaching empowers parents and transforms family dynamics. ADHD can be an advantage when understood and managed properly. Medication is a tool, not a solution—its role varies for each child. Building trust leads to better communication and cooperation. Understanding neurodiversity benefits all kids, not just those diagnosed. ENJOYING THE SHOW? If this episode was helpful, share it with other parents and leave a rating and review! Your feedback helps us create more valuable content to support you and your teen. Remember to hit Follow so you never miss an episode packed with actionable parenting strategies! EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction to Neurodiversity and Parenting Challenges 10:03 Understanding ADHD in Today's World 21:01 Supporting Neurodiverse Teens: A Coaching Approach 29:57 Key Takeaways for Parents of Neurodiverse Children CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Elaine Taylor-Klaus Website: ImpactParents.com Instagram: @ImpactParents Facebook: @ImpactParents Twitter: @ElaineTKlaus LinkedIn: Elaine Taylor-Klaus Podcast: Parenting with Impact CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00) Welcome back to the show. Today we're diving into a topic that's close to my heart, supporting our neurodiverse teens. If you're parent navigating the unique challenges of raising a neurodiverse child, you don't want to miss this episode. Joining us is the incredible Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a master certified coach and a mom of six in an ADHD plus plus family. We're gonna explain what that is. Elaine is a true thought leader in the field of neurodiversity, co-founding the first global coaching communities for parents of complex kids through Impact ADHD and ImpactParents.com. She's dedicated her career to educating and empowering parents like us, and her insights are invaluable. Elaine is here to help us understand how to nurture our teens so they can thrive. So if you're ready to transform the way you support your neurodiverse teen, stick around. This episode is going to be packed with essential advice you don't want to miss. Welcome, Elaine. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (00:58) Thank you. It is great to be here. I love your energy. I'm excited. Dr. Cam (01:02) I'm so glad to talk to you about this and I want to first hear about your story. A mom of six neurodiverse kids. Did I get that right? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (01:09) Not six, actually. I have three neurodiverse kids myself and my business partner Diane has three. And so I think that somehow got lost in the translation. Now that they're young adults and they each have partners, it feels like a mom of six. Dr. Cam (01:18) is this what got you into this field or what really inspired you to focus on this? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (01:29) Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. This is what got me in. I was a mom of three complex kids under the age of 10. I didn't even know what that meant. I just knew that I was struggling. My eldest kid was really not an easy kid to raise, had lots of diagnoses, lots of health issues, medically fragile. It was complicated. And I remember going to my child's therapist, psychologist at about eight years old with this long list of like eight diagnoses and I'm crying. I'm like, what do I do? Where do I start? So she sent me to a nutritionist. said, with all this, you start with the metabolic. And so we were kind of getting a handle on that. went gluten free, had a huge impact. And somebody turned me onto coaching. And I was really struggling. There was a lot of support available for my kids and there was really nothing for me except for, you know, that five minutes with my hand on the doors, I'm walking out of the kids therapist office where I'm like, can I ask you one more thing? I like, it's so not fair. There was so little resource for parents at the time. And, and so the long story short, I was trying to go back to graduate school. took the GREs. I was going to go, you know, get a PhD and I discovered coaching and I fell in love. I I called my husband the first afternoon in tears and like, yeah, there were a lot of tears in those years. I found it. Like this is it. It was an empowering way to be. was, I had like used a midwife. I was all about wellness and health and, and, and I found that coaching gave me a framework for how I really wanted to be as a parent. I wanted to see them as whole and healthy and capable and not broken and needing to be fixed. And coaching was just, it was the answer for me. And so it really transformed me. which really transformed my family. Ultimately, my husband also became a coach. And when I asked him years later, like, what happened? He said, I just couldn't deny anymore that what you were doing was working. So I ended up kind of creating this, this new modality, blending coaching with neurodiversity awareness. And when Diane and I met, we had this similar experience, only I did have ADHD and learning issues that were diagnosed in my forties and she did not. And it worked for both of us. So we kind of knew we were onto something and it wasn't rocket science. We could teach it to other parents. So I started coaching and training parents of complex kids. And, you know, that was, that was a long time ago now. Dr. Cam (03:54) The rest is history. Do you see a change in what parents are coming to you about? Or do you feel like it's consistent? . Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (04:19) Yes and no. Yes and no. mean, the world's changed a lot, you know, but by the time I started, we were already post 9-11, which is when I, and technology was already starting to become a part of the world. So I think that for me, part of what's changed is our understanding and awareness, the research, the clarity about ADHD, about executive function, about neurodiversity, mental health, that's shifted a lot in the last 20 years. So there is a little less stigma and a lot more awareness to the importance of really addressing these issues. I say a little less stigma, not as much as a little Well, there's less. But part of it is because the autism movement came in and autism kind of came in and said, we're not taking your stigma, forget that. And I really think it shifted people's frame of reference around difference and shifted because the autism movement really did say, I'm not coming to you, you got to come to me. And it changed. I think now that it's so interesting. One of the big things that's changed is in the early days, like when my kids were diagnosed and those days, the providers had to choose between an ADHD diagnosis or an autism diagnosis. You could have one or the other, but not both till about 2013. And so everybody wanted, you didn't want an autism diagnosis. That was like a death sentence in those days. Now a provider, first of all, a provider doesn't have to make the choice. Both can be diagnosed and are very frequently. The correlation is very high. But now a parent can get better services with an autism diagnosis than an ADHD diagnosis and better support and compassion from their peers and friends and family. So now you've got people seeking a diagnosis that they used that 20 years ago they were avoiding. And I was one of them, right? Dr. Cam (06:17) the avoider. What do you think is a stigma with autism? are people kind of feeling opposed to now?. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (06:24) think there's less stigma with autism than ADHD now. mean, you know, nobody wants a diagnosis, but I think with autism, there's beginning to be an understanding that they can learn skills and tools and approaches and modalities, that they can learn how to adapt and modify and improve their capacity.because it's coming from a different part of the brain and it's a different, it's not as much about, if they don't have the overlapping ADHD, it's not as much about executive function. It's more about sensory and social. And you can actually, I think with people with autism, especially if you catch it early, you can really help them learn how to kind of integrate themselves into the world. With ADHD, there's still a lot, I think there's more stigma than anything in the ADHD space. Dr. Cam (07:17) I have some questions about that too, because one thing I've noticed is the diagnosis for ADHD seems to be going up and up and up and up. Why do you think this is? Please, I've got one too and I'm curious to hear what yours is since you're an expert in it. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (07:29) Okay, here's my take on that. Okay, there a reasons. There are few reasons. One is that there is a lot more research. We understand it way better than we did. Like 30 years ago, ADHD only was hyperactivity in little boys. That is so not the case. Now there are all these adults who are not diagnosed and under diagnosed. So we understand what we're looking for better. The second is we are living in an interruption driven world where there's so much more distraction and so much more volume coming at us that ADHD is kind of on a spectrum, your capacity to handle what's coming at you. If there's more coming at you, like my ADHD wasn't diagnosed as a kid, it was diagnosed as an adult when I had three kids and I couldn't handle it anymore. So it only is diagnosed if it impairs with your capacity to fulfill what you're trying to fulfill. All right, so if you've got a world of people that are getting assaulted with information all the time, it's harder to navigate all the expectations. You're gonna see a higher problem with people coping. Dr. Cam (08:38) I'm going to, have a question about that because this is where I struggle a little bit to be honest. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (08:41) Okay. Can I pin that and can we pin it? There's one more thing that I think is really important. So you've got a complex condition that's way more complex than we understood. That's a process of elimination diagnosis. So there's no test for it. Although there's now beginning to be like QB Tech and some of these other assessments that can assist the assessment. And there's some online, I mean, it's way better. It's going to be easier 20 years from now to diagnose it than it is now. But there was a major smear campaign that was launched against ADHD in the late 90s and early 2000s. was multimillion dollars done by the same people who actually took on the tobacco industry. They went after teachers, they went after doctors, they went after school systems they demonized medication. And I'm not gonna go into the all of who was behind it because I don't need that lawsuit neither do you. But there is a podcast episode on my podcast on parenting with impact with Kelly Pickens talking about the smear campaign. So I think part of what we're still dealing with was that in the late 90s and early aughts, a lot of people were avoiding a diagnosis, providers were avoiding the diagnosis, parents didn't wanna get it or didn't want to use medication or try medication. So we all these adults now who were never identified and treated. And so that's kind of coming out of the woodwork. So that's kind of the context for what I think is going on. Now, what's the question? Dr. Cam (10:10) Well, and this is coming from a mom with a daughter with ADHD who has been medicated for many, many years. And I think the thing that I've always struggled with is, is there really a deep issue with my daughter or is the world becoming far more distra, there's far more distractions and pace and challenges that the human brain just is not as capable because it does not evolve as fast as technology and the world is evolving that the human brain just isn't doesn't have the capacity to handle it anymore. And so we're medicating them to be able to so this is this is where I go back and forth. clear this up for me. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (11:03) I you. feel you. Okay. All right. I'm so with you. I totally get it. Here's what I, here's how I see it. Okay. First of all, I do think that ADHD, the ADHD brain is an evolutionary adaptation. So I think we're actually more capable of handling what's going on in this world, not less. I like to call it, nobody can, what do you call it? Double task. multitask, but we can rapid sequential monotask like nobody's business, right? So I think that it's actually an evolutionary adaptation. That's just my, you know, and it's not that we can't cope with the world. It's that we can't always fulfill the expectations of the world. And so we need support to be able to do what the world expects of us to do. Dr. Cam (11:39) Right, that does sound evolutionary. Love that approach. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (12:02) But if you look at the greatest innovators, the greatest Nobel Prize winners, and like the greatest minds throughout history, most of them are probably neurodiverse. And so that capacity to think creatively, think outside the box, see things that other people don't see, make linkages and connections, that's extraordinary, right? And you still like think the absent mind of the professor at some point you still have to do the dishes and do the laundry and that's the stuff that's hard to do when your brain is thinking of quantum physics. So that's why I think it's so hard to adapt and why the more interesting and fascinating the world gets in some ways the harder it is for those of us who are engaged in that to deal with the mundane things of life. Dr. Cam (12:38) I wanna go down this path, I'm just excited to ask questions. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (12:57) I struggle with the term medicated my child and I used to use it too. Because I don't think it's medicating them. I think we are giving them medication that supports their brain to help them achieve what they want to achieve. And that goes back to that smear campaign, right? I had this conversation with one of my coaching groups, parents of group of teens, and we were talking about helping kids become their own medical managers. And we want them to make their choices and to enroll. And I've never met a teenager who doesn't at some point stop taking their meds before they come back to their meds, right? Because they want to be in control. And what I said to this group, and was really quite like I became emotional when I was saying it, I started taking medication almost 15 years ago. I take a very small dose, but it helps reduce my overwhelm. So I know what to focus on. And for about 10 years, every morning I would look at that pill and I go, is this a crutch? Do I really need this? Should I be taking this? And I was shaming myself because the world wants me to feel shame for needing this medication. And what I realized is I don't need it. but my life is so much better when I take it. I can be more of myself. I can be more present in my life. So do I need it? Could I function without it? Yeah. Would I be as effective and compassionate and present? Actually, no. So thank you for letting me. That's kind of my soapbox on it, but I just feel like, yeah. So go ahead. Dr. Cam (14:35) It such an important soapbox and I'm glad you got there because I think that is something that we've always talked about too with my daughter. It's like we met it, she uses medication for school because school is not an environment that her brain succeeds at as well without it. However, in other realms of her life, Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (15:05) It doesn't set her up for success. . Dr. Cam (15:10) She does not use medication because her brain is far more effective the way it is. So here's the path that you were going down that I really want to go down. Is this evolutionary thought of the brain, the neurodiversity that we look at often and society looks at often as a weakness, is actually them more evolved than a lot of us and is the strength but because the world hasn't caught up to them, they need medication to help them adapt and almost like lower down to our level to be able to cope with how the world has not caught up with them. I wanna go that route because that route makes, gives me chills when I think of my daughter. Like, look at her go. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (15:46) So my theory is that, and I'm talking about all nerd versus kids, because ADHD travels with lots of cousins and it's almost never alone, right? Like the kids with ADHD and dyslexia, they're the brilliant superpowers who can do anything because they understand that structure supports them and they're willing to use structure. They're not going to fight it. And they are amazing, right? What I think is that a lot of us are specialists in a generalist's world. That we have brains, whether it's autism or ADHD or anxiety, there's something about the way that we're wired, that when we find our gift, our specialty, or when we tap into that, I that's what my world has been when I discovered, when I created Impact. Like who I am as a coach and a parent and professional educator, like this is my sweet spot. This is where I'm supposed to be in the And when I'm here, I'm like bulletproof, I'm awesome. can be present and I can be engaged and I can go all day long. If I have to try to make dinner, I become like this really ridiculously weak, incapable adult. So I'm a specialist in this world. And when I can lean into my specialty, I can soar. But when I'm asked to perform as a generalist, when I'm expected to do well in science when I'm a language arts person. And then you only want me to focus on the science and the math because that's where my weakness is. So I should really work on that. And then you take me out of the art class that I'm really soaring in. Like it's counterintuitive, right? And so I do think, I think what, one of the things I've learned in the last few years, we've done a lot of work around neurodiversity education. I do training for corporate, do training for coaching groups on neurodiversity coaching, neurodiversity inclusion, and all that kind of stuff. And what I'm really clear at is that when you look at the full range of neurodiversity, it is probably about almost half the population. When you look at anxiety, ADHD, autism, depression, trauma, right? Let's just go to trauma for a minute and how many people in PTSD and how many people have had various trauma experiences in their lives. It rewires your brain. It may be circumstantial or situational. It may last, but everyone has some experience of being neurodivergent at some time. That's what neurodiversity is about. It's about all of our brains are wired different and some are not better than others. Dr. Cam (18:34) We're all neurodivergent. just on a different, we all are. We are, I like that. We are all neurodiverse. Absolutely. I love NeuroSpicy. That's awesome. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (18:51) We are all neurodiverse. Okay. You're all neurodiverse. I like to call us neuro spicy. You know, just a little. But we are all, everybody's got, everybody's brain is different. I mean, there are lots of similarities, but everybody's brain is different. And if we can tap into what makes each person's brain tick, there's this concept called universal design. And it's kind of the all boats will rise philosophy, right? The notion is if you, you, what we do for people with neurodiversity, the education we provide, if we adapt a classroom for kids with neurodiversity or for kids with neurodivergence, it's going to serve all of the kids in the classroom, right? Everybody's going to do better if we create basic accommodations. that give kids a sense of agency and autonomy and a voice, right? Everybody's gonna do better if we don't give them a ton of busy work and we help them learn what they need to learn without wasting their time. And so if we begin to see that, and this is the same in the workplace, everybody's gonna do better if we're onboarding somebody in a work environment and we find out, would you be better to communicate with this in text or video or like, If we ask people how they process information and how they motivate themselves, and then we play to that, it's going to benefit everyone. So that's where I think we're going, but I think we've got a few decades before we actually get there. Yeah, well, you know, it takes some time. Dr. Cam (20:34) Yeah, it's a slow moving boat, isn't it? It takes some time to tend to things. So in the meantime, we've got a teenager who has been diagnosed with ADHD or autism or one of the many, right? But the expectation is for them to go to school, sit in school and do well in school and their brain does better elsewhere. And that is not where their brain functions at its best. How do we as parents support our kids going through there without them feeling like they're broken, which happens quite a lot. And they're treated that way often in school. That's been a big issue for my daughter and I. How do we help them maintain that sense of self-esteem and that belief in themselves and help them find their strengths? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (21:30) Great question. and as you can imagine, I could talk all day about it, right? So everything I do is about that. my, my short answer is you take a coach approach, a neurodiversity informed coach approach. When, when I learned how to use coaching skills to communicate differently with my kid and with their teachers and with everybody else around them, it shifted everything. If I were to point to what's fundamental to that, it's about. It's about cultivating a sense of agency, fostering their ownership and helping them see their why, what's in it for them. And, you know, collaborative problem solving, but not just what are the lacking skills, which is great, but still deficit based, right? But to say, okay, so I was, was working with a client this morning, her kids are younger. So maybe, maybe I can extrapolate this to a teenage example. Okay. Because we do a lot of work with parents of teens and young adults. We have groups for parents of teens and groups for parents of young adults. You got a kid who's trying to get out the door to go to school, who wants to go to school, who is having a really hard time waking up in the morning. And maybe they don't want to go to school, and that's a different conversation. But let's assume you've gotten the relationship. So you lean into the relationship and you build some trust and you're communicating better. And you've gotten to the point where you're collaborating and they want to be able to get to school, but it's a struggle. Okay, we all know the scenario. It happens a lot. Okay, so in our model, we talk about taking aim. So understand that what I've just said is the assumption that you've done a lot of work already. You've really leaned into the relationship. You've built trust because what happens with teens is we fall out of trust with them and they fall out of trust with us and they fall out of trust with themselves. So done that work and we're communicating better. So now we can begin to really collaborate. So you start by taking aim, and instead of taking aim on mornings, you say, okay, what's the one thing that if we change that, it's gonna start having a cascading effect? What's the one tweak? And it might be getting out of bed when the alarm goes off. Okay, so they've set the alarm, the alarm's going off, you're walking by, you're trying not to yell and scream because they're not getting out of bed, and then you say, you gotta get out of bed, and then they get mad at you because you're already aggravated, right? We don't know the scenario at all, I'm sure. So collaborative problem solving would be going to the kid and saying, I really get that you're trying to get out to go to school in the morning on time and that it's hard and that you're setting your alarm. How do you want me to handle it when I do hear the alarm going off and you haven't gotten out of bed? What would you like me to do? So now that you're not saying you need to, you're assuming that by this point you've been collaborating and now they've taken ownership. They've got the agency. They just need some help. How can I support you? What would be useful for you? And this is a really true story. When we took this approach with my eldest at the time, who was maybe a little young, maybe 15, 14, 15. And after trying every alarm and the bed shaking alarm and the alarm that ran across the room, and we tried everything, Nothing was working. They said, don't you come in with a spray bottle? Now, a water bottle. Kids don't try this at home. I am not suggesting to any of your parents that you go get a spray bottle and tell your kid you're going to. But this came from my kid, this idea, because they like to play and they're very playful with their father. And so we were like, OK, you sure? Yeah, I'm sure. Whatever. Right. So we get in there and I'm down in the kitchen one morning and I hear this really loud noise and it's like really loud and I go running upstairs and my husband and my child are hysterically laughing. My child has got the corner of the bed by the hands on the ground and their dad's got their ankle and is pulling them across the floor and they're pulling the bed across the floor. Okay. And it's loud and they're cackling with laughter and they may have been late to school because we were having so much fun. Right. But, the notion here was that we were supporting them in their agenda of trying to get out of bed instead of making it our agenda. So we need to want for them more than we want from them. And if we want for them to support them in their agenda, then we can do all kinds of crazy things because it's their agenda. And we're just experimenting with them and helping them try different things. But if it's our agenda and we're like, well, you need to set the alarm and put it across the room and you should be like, if our hands are on our hips, we're probably not collaborating, right? Dr. Cam (26:24) We're not, are, I love that for them, not what you expect from them is beautiful. And once again, this is good for every child, not just neurodiverse. Like this is foundational. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (26:28) Yes, for them, not from them. Because so much. Everybody, right? That's right. Well, it has to do with whose expectations is it, right? Because we have this tendency to assume that if we expect something or the world expects something of us and our kids, that that's the right thing. And the truth is, I mean, the big shift in my family happened when I stopped trying to listen to the world's expectations and I started meeting my kids where they were and figuring out what was an appropriate expectation to set for this kid at this time in this moment. Like that's the shift. It's meet them where they are and raise the bar from there. Instead of setting the bar up here because everybody should because they're 12 or 15 or 22, you know, like that just doesn't work. Dr. Cam (27:12) It doesn't work. That was your alarm that you have to go, wasn't it? Yeah, so yeah, I think this is so key because it is, it's giving them ownership. And also if our kids are neurodiverse, and as we just said, we all are, it doesn't mean our solution is going to work for them because we have a different brain than they do. So when we keep trying to push our solution, Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (27:24) It's okay. We'll wrap up. They'll be there in a minute. Dr. Cam (27:50) onto them and they get mad at them for not using our solution wisely, we're the ones at fault. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (27:57) That's right. I just went upstairs after talking to this client and told my husband, I'm like, do you remember being the weatherman? He's like, what are you talking about? We wanted to change warnings and we worked with our kids and I sat down with him. like, what will work? And our kids are the ones who said to me, one, we need to wake up earlier. I was letting them wait till the last couple of minutes because I wanted them to get to sleep. They're like, we're not getting enough time and you're rushing us. And two, we don't want to rush. And three, we don't want you to tell us we're running late. So they came up with the idea that at a certain agreed upon time, instead of coming out and saying, you need to be downstairs in 10 minutes, dad would come out and give them the weather report. And when he gave the weather report, they knew what time it was. It gave them an idea of what to wear and they could manage their time around that. And I can't say it was a perfect fix immediately, but I can say that it worked and we used it for years because it was their idea was their agency, it worked for them. I wouldn't have come up with it, it was brilliant. Right? Dr. Cam (28:58) Yeah. Yep. I love that. And when you think about it, the more important skill is not getting up. It's figuring out how you get up. That's the skill. So if we take that away from them, then we're taking away their ability to learn to problem solve, which is a complex skill that you have to practice over over over again. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (29:08) Yes. Our job as parents, I think, is to be in the process of problem solving with our kids again and again and again and again and And letting them lead, collaborate, support, collaborate. We have a model where there are four phases of parents. And so the middle two that we need to be in most of all is collaborate with them until, share the agenda till it's their agenda and then support them in their agenda. Share the agenda. Dr. Cam (29:31) and letting them lead. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (29:50) until it's their agenda and then move in to support them in their agenda. And we just wanna keep doing that again and again as often as we can. Dr. Cam (29:57) Yeah, I love that. So what is one takeaway that you want to make sure parents step away with from this episode? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (30:06) my gosh, what I really want to do is say to the parents listening, what's one insight you've gotten from this conversation? What's one thing you want to take away from this conversation that you want to apply in your life? Because that, I could tell them, right? And I would say that probably if I were to give you one, it would be, God, there's so many is to lean into the relationship, right? Build the trust, because that's where it all comes from. And I also want them to think about what they take away from this, because it's really, that's what's most important. Dr. Cam (30:40) I love that. you just modeled. Well, that's what I was just pointing out is you just modeled how to coach. You're not telling them the answer. You are basically just setting it up for them to figure out the answer. So that was a beautiful example of exactly what we want parents to be doing. I love that. Aline, how do, how do people find you? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (30:50) Yeah. Thank you. This was great. Well, we have a podcast too. And if you're listening, you're probably a podcaster. So the Parenting with Impact podcast, wherever you podcast, where sometimes I interview experts, sometimes it's Diane and me, know, spitballing about what's been going on. Sometimes we have clients on and do success stories. So it's fun. we're coming up next year. We'll hit our 200th episode. So good podcast, great blog, great website, impactparents.com. Lots of free gifts and downloads and you know come check us out if you are a parent of a complex kid of any age 4 to 44 There's lots of stuff to help you learn how to take a coach approach. That's neurodiversity informed And you know whether it's taking our sanity school class or joining coaching groups or listen to the podcast Come play with us Dr. Cam (31:57) That's fantastic. What a great resource. Thank you for doing that. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (32:01) Thank you. Thanks for asking. Thanks for having me. I hope I know we've had to cut this a little short, so maybe I can come back and we can play again. I'm inviting myself back because you're great. Dr. Cam (32:07) We can have there's so much to do. Invite yourself. There's so much I can come on your show. We can talk about it there too. Yeah, this we can talk for this about hours. Talk about this for hours. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (32:14) That would be great. We're going to do it. We'll do it here. Absolutely. Thanks for having me again. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Hashtags #ParentingTeens #Neurodiversity #ADHDParenting #TeenConfidence

Nov 26, 2024

In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Dr. Fiona Ghiglione to dive into the complex world of teen girl friendships. They discuss the challenges of peer pressure, loneliness, and relational aggression, as well as how parents can help their daughters build healthy, lasting relationships. Dr. Ghiglione shares practical strategies for navigating friendship drama, understanding the "seasons" of friendships, and teaching girls to handle social struggles with confidence. The episode also explores the impact of social media on teen friendships and why parents should focus on empowerment over rescue. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why teen girl friendships can be so challenging How to help your daughter navigate friendship drama without taking over The impact of relational aggression and social media on teen friendships How to recognize the "seasons" of friendships and support your teen through them Practical strategies to build your daughter’s confidence and resilience in friendships 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Teen friendships can be tough. Many girls struggle with peer pressure, loneliness, and relational aggression. Middle school is peak friendship drama. Understanding these challenges helps parents guide their daughters effectively. Friendships evolve over time. Teaching your teen about the different “seasons” of friendships can help them navigate change. Create a safe space for open conversations. Encourage your daughter to express her feelings without immediately jumping in to fix problems. Empower, don’t rescue. Equip your teen with tools to handle conflict, rather than solving issues for them. ENJOYING THE SHOW? Help other parents find the support they need! Share your favorite episode, leave a rating and review, and don’t forget to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free Resource: Download 10 Mindful Practices for Preteens PDF Exclusive Offer: Get €20 off your first mentoring session by emailing Fiona directly at fiona@motheringgirls.com EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating the Challenges of Teen Friendships 03:59 Understanding the Dynamics of Friendship Drama 09:59 The Seasons of Friendships: Navigating Mean Behavior 20:06 Supporting Our Daughters Through Friendship Struggles 27:59 Empowering Girls to Build Healthy Relationships CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Fiona Ghiglione Website: MotheringGirls.com Instagram: @motheringgirls LinkedIn: Dr. Fiona Ghiglione CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell THE FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02) Navigating friendships can be really challenging for our teen girls, right? As parents, it's tough to watch them struggle with feelings of loneliness, peer pressure, and the occasional friend drama or a lot of friend drama. All we want is for our daughters to feel happy, connected, and surrounded by friends who truly support them. I'm excited to introduce you to Dr. Fiona Giglione, an assistant professor, educator, and the founder of Mothering Girls. Fiona specializes in coaching girls on building friendships, boosting self-confidence, and navigating the complexities of social media too. In our conversation today, we're going to dive into some effective strategies to help empower our daughters to build meaningful friendships, handle toxic friendships, and boost their confidence as a friend. Welcome Dr. Fiona, how are you? Fiona (00:50) Very good. Thank you for inviting me today. It's wonderful to be here. Dr. Cam (00:54) Absolutely. So Dr. Fiona, first start with how did you, what inspired you to start mothering girls? Fiona (01:02) Well, my journey with mother and girls really started through my own experience raising my own girls. And there's one specific experience I had when my eldest daughter was nine and my youngest daughter was five. I was living in Singapore at the time and I just began noticing that the commentary and the way that people were interacting with our girls, my daughters and also their friends started changing quite radically. know, when they were five and six and they were running around in their frozen dresses, people's commentaries would be, aren't they wonderful? You know, I love her confidence and her spark or how wonderful is it to have girls? And I just found that when the girls started kind of edging towards the preteen years, so we kind of, eight, nine, sure, they had a bit more sass, you know. But the commentary, just, was very aware of what people were saying and how it was changing. It was, it was kind of becoming more, you know, wait until she's in the teen years or, you know, girls are really emotional and, know, and I was hearing from boy moms saying, you know, I'm glad, glad I don't have boys, you know. And as a research psychologist, I suppose, like I, I couldn't stop thinking about this. couldn't stop and wonder two questions in particular I had in my head. Like the first one was, what is this doing to our girls? Like our girls were hearing this, know, mom's talk in this way. And I'm thinking, what messages are they receiving from this? You know, about what it is to be a girl heading into these years, like you know what are the teen years going to be like, but also just their emotions, you know, is it safe to, you know, explore my emotions, say my emotions or not? Anyway, that was the first question. And then the second question that kept on my mind was, if we take this fear based approach, if we're really going into these years afraid and thinking they're going to be the worst, what's that doing to our relationship with our girls? I mean, we know about what happens in the prefrontal cortex or in our brains in general, when we are under, you know, a fear response, we close off, we change the way that we change what we're paying attention to. We change, you know, how we're feeling about each other and we're we're less curious. So I guess I just started leaning into this. started researching a little bit more and thinking about it a bit more and thinking we need a different way. We definitely needed a different narrative, but I wanted to be able to maybe fill the gap a little bit and help parents do it a bit differently and help, you know, kind of empower the girls. Yeah. Dr. Cam (03:50) I love that. that's one thing too, Dr. Fiona, that I will talk about too, is that when we go into the teen years with this preconceived notion of what those teen years are going to be like, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because we approach it already without understanding, we approach it with assumption, and it goes way south very quickly. So I love that you are out there correcting that assumption, changing that story so we don't approach it from that perspective and we give our girls a chance. That's amazing. So let's, today we really want to talk about friendships because I know this particularly is difficult for teen, tween and teen girls, especially middle school. Middle school is like friendship hell. Let's just put it real, right? This is where all the friendship drama comes. There's a lot of friendship, like emotional bullying. Fiona (04:31) Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Dr. Cam (04:58) My daughter personally went through a lot of drama and teen. She's 18. She's still traumatized by the experience of friendships and going bad. So first explain to us, why do friendships become so difficult at this age for girls? Fiona (05:05) If we look at the research, there are a few things that we're seeing, okay. We're seeing, and some of them are quite concerning trends, I would have to say. We're seeing increases in relational aggression. We're seeing increases in a kind of narcissism, self-centeredness, increases in loneliness, and decreases in empathy, okay. So, when you put this all together and you put it in alongside the rise of technology, it makes for a very curious picture as to like, what is going on with our girls? And girls in general, like, they place a lot of emphasis on friendships. It's very important for them. And I think that there's all of that happening, but then there's also, when I'm talking to girls directly, girls want closer friendships. They want less drama. It's not like they want, you know, they're creating this because it's fun. So there's these two things happening in parallel. They want closer friendship, they want support, they want help, and they also want a good relationship with parents as well. It's hard to unpack exactly why this is happening. think technology is playing a big factor in it, in the way that it's changing relationships and the way that we communicate. But yeah, I guess alongside the challenges that we're facing, we also have girls who are willing to do it differently if they have the guidance and the support. Dr. Cam (06:56) At this age too, the relationships become a lot more complex, right? It's no longer like, you like this toy and I like this toy, so we must be friends. The dynamics become much deeper and kids are trying to figure out. And as you mentioned, the need to belong becomes extremely important at this age. So making friends, basically kids look at them, their value based on do other people like me? And so when people, when they're struggling to make friends, they're getting this message, I'm not that likable. And so they kind of get deeper. But then there's also the kids. So we've got self-esteem issues there, but then we've got the kids, particularly the girls that are mean. Where does this meanness come from and this need to kind of gang up on other girls or to emotionally shut them out sometimes. Where does that come from? Fiona (07:54) I just wanted to stop for a second and just say it is such a difficult thing to watch your child go through this. And heartbreaking almost to have girls come home and say things like, you know, I was alone on the playground today or, you know, my friends created a WhatsApp group and they left me, so just being able to hear this is so, so hard for us as parents to know how to help. And we are shocked as to like why girls are so mean. And it can, you know, obviously be amplified by the fact that, you know, if we've had meanness when we were younger, you know, that can be even more difficult for us. So, but I'm a very big believer that friendships in middle school and high school are also an amazing training ground for relationships in life. Okay. And we know that in life, there are plenty of mean people and there are plenty of people who do mean things, right? And so one of the ways that I try to explain it to the families that I work with is that friendships have different seasons. And if we are to help our girls understand why people doing these different things, understand the behaviors that might come up. And also know how to deal with them. We need to have specific nuanced tools for different parts of different seasons that they're gonna go through and they're gonna face. And mean behavior is one of those. You can understand like mean behavior is winter. Winter is where there's storms and serious challenges and so we need to be able to really give girls tools to be able to deal with mean behavior. And so, know, mean behavior is relational aggression. We know that girls do that a lot more than boys leaving, you know, leaving other girls out gossip, you know, and bullying, you know, bullying falls under this winter category of like really toxic behavior of, you know, on purpose power differential repetitive kind of behaviours. Dr. Cam (10:19) One of the things I see is that bullying almost comes from the same place of the needing to belong because it is a way when you join forces with other people to make this other person the scapegoat, you're connecting with them. So it's an unhealthy way to connect because someone gets, but the underlying need is exactly the same, which is why it's very hard to stop that because they're getting their needs filled by connecting with somebody. So I love this idea of the different weathers and talking to our kids about our friendships are going to go through different seasons. Help us understand how to help our kids, especially when, let's talk about the different seasons. So we're going through a season where all of a sudden it feels like your friends are turning against you. You're like, they were my friend. Fiona (10:51) 100%. Dr. Cam (11:13) Now someone else came into the dynamic and is taking them away or they're saying mean things to me. How do we help our girls address that? That's a hard one for parents too because we're like, I just want to fix it. Fiona (11:26) Yeah, 100%. I mean, I think the first thing to really delve into is to inquire, right? We need to spend some serious time with our girls inquiring, okay, tell me what did that look like? What was it like at lunchtime? What did you do? What did your friends do? And trying to unpack instead, rather than jumping in and judging and, that's it, I'm gonna, mama bear I'm going to fix this problem for you. We want to inquire first. We want to get a good picture of what's going on, you know, and in part of that picture, we also want to understand like what's going on for our daughter as well, you know. And then of course, you know, we want to empathise with her and really help her understand that if she's feeling left out and she, you know, she's feeling sad, like that is a normal reaction to that kind of behaviour. You know, I would feel that way and sitting with that for a while, you know, so that she has that kind of, she has that person that really is helping her process it in a different way, right? But I think a lot of like, it depends on how toxic, what the toxicity is, right? I mean, I think there's two ways that I teach girls that they can deal with toxic behavior. First one is like a quick comeback, you know, having those things that we can say to other girls who are doing things on purpose, you know, quick comeback like, Whoa, that was harsh. Being able to get out of the situation if they need and giving themselves permission to be able to leave. And obviously if things are extreme, girls, and this is part of educating around winter is that those red flags, if you see those red flags, this is time where you need help. You need to get someone to come in and help you with these things. When we're looking at some of the other seasons like, know, friendship conflicts, there is a difference between friendship conflicts. Yeah. And they need to, if they understand what autumn is and they understand what winter is, you know, friendship conflicts will happen because we're complex human beings and we like, we will have different interests and we will have different opinions. And, know, these things come up a lot in with girls, right? You know, one wants to play this one wants to play that or you know, misinterpretation of things that they've said at school. And so it is also really important for our girls to be able to learn to kind of step away and think about that. Like, you know, take five is a teacher, a lot of the girls that I work with just take five, leave the situation if you can think about this, if it's not an urgent situation, if it's not a dangerous situation, everything can wait five minutes or overnight even before you respond. And to really be able to like, you know, to think about what did you want? What did she want? You know, what is going on here? Like what is the conflict about and trying to help girls unpack that, you know? Yeah. And I think the interesting thing is that like, you know, they're confused. That's where the relationship with us comes in. Right? Like we need to be building foundations early in the preteens that our girls feel comfortable coming to us. They feel like it's a safe space. They're not going to be judged, that they're not going to be burdened with solutions from us, that they can come and they can process these things and find solutions in the vicinity of like us. Dr. Cam (14:51) I think the big thing I see too is when we're going through this, and I like the quick comebacks. I saw an interview with Christine Chenoweth the other day and she learned to just say, I'm going to pray for you. When people said nasty things, she would just reply, well, I will pray for you. And it just kind of threw people off because it was like, But I think also understanding how we can help support our kids, having that connection with them so that they learn not to create this as part of their identity as I'm not a good friend or I'm not likable and change it to I'm a good friend, I'm likable, they're not the right person for me. How do we help them distinguish that so they don't create this low self-esteem because they can't keep some of these toxic friendships? Fiona (15:45) I think that's where, it's so important for us as parents to keep budding new connections, like, and give them as many friendship experiences as possible. Because if you think about it, like if that's the only experience of relating, right. And that's, and it's negative and that's all they're getting, then of course it's easy to see that you're the generalization that you're going to be making is that there's something wrong with me. Now, if you've got plenty of different friendship groups and in some of those groups they celebrate you and they lift you up and they think you're amazing and then in other groups not so much. Then you can start to generalise, okay hold on, wait, but if I'm okay there then it couldn't be me because you've got these other experiences and I feel like sometimes it goes wrong because we put so much emphasis on this one best friend or this group of friends. And our girls, you know, don't have that diversity of experience. mean, it's also good for them to just learn how to relate to different people, right? In different settings and have that experience as well. And it's doing great things for their brain as well. Dr. Cam (17:07) It's very important to do that. know, I mean, like I said, my daughter had so much trauma in a certain friendship group in middle school, but what she came out of was, how do I recognize a good friend from a not good friend? And so her friendships now are incredible. It's a small group and it's people that support her for her. And so she was able to come through that getting a very important skill and I think it's helping our kids learn that. One thing I think parents come from though and we fear a little bit is when we see our kids struggling with friendships, that taps into our fear. Like, how is my kid not going to be liked? What do I need to do? And we start focusing very hard on making them more likable to people. Like, how do I fix my kid to be more likable? I've seen this, you know, a lot. Well, their behavior needs to change. Is that okay? Should we be doing that or what message is that sending to our kids? Fiona (18:14) Yeah, I tried really hard to stray away from the whole likeability, you know, concept. But what I do talk to girls a lot about is, you know, and this happens, what I find is girls are often very lonely, even if they're in friendship, sometimes they feel this loneliness, right? And so I ask them when, because they want more connection. So when do you feel the most connected? And when do you feel the least connected? what's happening and we unpack that a little bit. So instead of focusing on, on likability, focusing on quality, the quality of the relationship of like, of what does it give her? How does she feel, you know, and helping her, it's almost, it's a little bit of like of an experiment really. It's like helping her think about this on a regular basis means that, you know, sometimes my daughter will come home and she said today, mom, I had a great friendship day because you know, my friend, you know, said something nice to me or whatever. And I'd say, well, you know, that sounds like you really felt like you were connected in that moment. And over time we unpack like those. And so she'll look for that more, you know, if she feels more connected when she's talking about something that she really loves with a friend, you know, or they're doing something specific together, then you, can look for more of those kinds of moments. And that's where you see your girls light up and have that spark, you know, in friendships. and then she'll stay away from the red flag, the things that don't connect her. there's a whole, we could have a whole talk on like technology and friendships. But friendship, there's so much to unpack about connections online. And I talked to my daughter about how did you feel when you were talking to your friends online? How do you feel when you're at face-to-face doing things face-to-face? There's a really different feeling that you get when you're speaking in these different apps or whatever versus having real life connections. So I think it's important to focus on that for the girls. Dr. Cam (20:16) There's so many pieces to this. Can we do a quick kind of step by step? Your daughter comes home, she's really upset, she's having friend drama, her friends are being mean. What do parents do in that moment? Fiona (20:37) I think the first thing to do is to go get a tea and to take her to a spot that she feels comfortable in and to just give her time to talk about it. No advice, no, you know, we can ask questions, but just let her talk and get it out and be a safe space for that. you know, I feel like it's really important for her to express all of that emotion and get it all out, but I think sometimes there's a point at which you can, there can be co-rumination, right? Like you're talking about it so much that you're not, there's, there's, not going anywhere. So I think at some stage it's good to kind of pivot to what would you like to do about this? You know, what can we, what's in your control? What, let's think about some things that you could do. Some things you can say, do you need extra support? You know, let's make a plan kind of thing together. Dr. Cam (21:34) Nothing in that was, let's fix this, let's go yell at the other parents, let's go make sure that you get to be friends. Like there's no pressure to have to have friends. And I think that's one of the things I see a lot, that parents get so worried if their kids are struggling with friends, that it becomes more about how do I get my kid to have friends rather than how do I help my kid just feel okay as they are right now. And once they feel confident, making friends is a lot easier, but feeling the pressure to make friends when you're not feeling good about yourself just makes you feel worse about yourself. So I love that it's just, just let them talk, validate what they're feeling, let them go through it. And then what's in your control. that's spot on perfect. I love it. Fiona (22:12) 100%. What is really interesting with the, you know, what you were saying about jumping in and calling friends, you know, the parents of the friends which happened, you know, we want to do, but what can happen, and it's happened with me many times with my girls, is that that same friend, you know, can move into a different season with our daughters and they become best friends, you know, and they work it out on their own or, know, and so this little girl that like, you know, was doing all these main things and then she's coming over to my house and spending like afternoons at my house and I see a totally different side to her. So I feel like if we jump in too soon, she misses the learning that comes from it, but also you never know what's gonna happen with these friendships and these girls, like they're just learning. Dr. Cam (23:11) It is such a good point. Like, we can't take sides. We can't beat up the other girl because you're right, they may become friends and then that's all. But we also don't want to sit there and just take our kid's side. Like, we don't want to make sure we take the other kid's side too and be like, well, have you thought about this? Have you thought about that? And take the kid's perspective that is being mean to our kid or is pushing them away because then our kid doesn't feel like we're on their side. No sides are taken. We're just listening. Very important, yeah. I think we get tempted to talk about, and I've even done this, like kind of put the other person down going, well, they don't deserve you as a friend, but that is not a good move either. Tempting. Fiona (23:54) Yeah, it's really complex. you know, and there are a lot of ands. I talked to the girls about this as well. you know, what are you feeling? And what is she feeling? And sometimes it's even what are you feeling? And she will say sad and angry and kind of, you know, like there's so much complexity. It just goes on and on. And so I think it's important to see that it is more than just what she's feeling. It's what other girl's feeling it's what the context is you know so there's a lot of ends there to be able to explore as well with her yeah. Dr. Cam (24:25) That's a great way to do it because it is important for them to look at the other side because it's easy to just get stuck. But we can do it the way you're saying it is a way to do it without taking sides. It's just helping them dig a little bit deeper. So what have we missed? I wanted to ask you. So what happens if your kid, your daughter is the one being mean to somebody else? How do we address that? Fiona (24:54) Well, I think that that can be very difficult because sometimes we don't see that. And so where do we get the information from? So if it's something that, you know, a parent, a teacher has observed, I think then then we have some good data to be able to go to and say, look, this is this seems to be what's happening. Tell me about this. Like what happened? And I think we always need to give our girls the opportunity to be able to speak for themselves because it's very easy to misinterpret. And also where's the learning in it, right? We want our girls to be able to not feel judged and shamed about the whole thing, but we wanna understand like, you know, what was going on so that we can then help prevent it in the future. So always starting obviously with just asking her about it. And I think it's the same kind of process. It's you've got to want it. You want to sit with the other emotions. Maybe she was feeling angry, you know, and then, and you know, talking about what she did and how effective that was in getting what she wanted. and then being able to unpack, like, what would you do differently? You know? but you know, sometimes if I guess, if it's repetitive, you want to get some professional help to be able to get help her kind of break that habit and dig a bit deeper as to what's going on.. Dr. Cam (26:13) It's so what you were saying is so important. It's about getting to the why of why they're doing it rather than the assumption of, my gosh, my kid is becoming a bully and bad kid. And now I'm going to be just show them my disappointment in that behavior and try to punish them because they need to stop that behavior. And we're not addressing what's actually going on underneath. So we could be actually piling more on the very thing that's making them feel like they need to bully and making it worse rather than making it better. So I love that we're giving them the benefit of the doubt and understanding what is this coping mechanism or what is the purpose of doing this? What are they getting from it? Because it may be a sense of belonging, right? Fiona (26:45) Absolutely. And I think, but I also think that, you know, these kinds of behaviors sometimes come, these impulsive behaviors come from a sense of not being able to regulate your emotion, right? Like you can feel really scary, especially to an eight or a nine year old, to have this huge angry emotion to something that's happened to them, right? And they don't know where to take that, what to do with that. And that's why I think I'm such a big advocate for, know, mindfulness in terms of being able to give them the tools to be able to bring their nervous system back into a parasympathetic kind of state so that they then have the capacity to be able to think clearly in these situations. But yeah, it's tough. Dr. Cam (27:39) That's really important. So of all that we've talked about, what is the big action item or takeaway that parents need to have from this to help their daughters navigate their tricky friendships? Fiona (27:59) Look, I think that don't underestimate how important you are as a parent, like, and how much role overall you're going to play in being able to guide them to, have healthy relationships, not just friendships, but relationships down the track. Like we are coaching them through this. are like, we are a secure base and we don't want to join the storm. want to like, just, we want them to come to us and ground them and help them learn something really valuable from that. Right. So all of these things are important teaching moments. And I think that like we shouldn't underestimate just how important we are and how much the girls want us to come to us to be able to talk to us about these things. So we need to be really be showing them from early that it is safe, it's okay. And that we are here to kind of, know, give them the tools that they need, suppose. Yeah. Dr. Cam (28:53) Don't join the storm. That's awesome. That's exactly it. Don't join the storm. Be the center. Be the part that helps outside. Calm the storm. Let them be the calming space for them to calm their storm. Love that. Amazing. Dr. Fiona, where can people find you? Fiona (28:56) Don't join the storm. You can find me on Instagram at motheringgirls and I think, will you share my website? Yeah. Dr. Cam (29:20) I will put all the links in the show notes for sure. Thank you. Fiona (29:23) Yeah, and I have a friendship journal that kind of guides girls through the different stages of friendship. So it has some tools, has some tips, and lots of fillable pages so that they can reflect on their own friendships along the way. Dr. Cam (29:28) That's fantastic. I will definitely include that link too. It sounds like a really great tool. Thank you so much for joining us today, Dr. Fiona. Appreciate it. Fiona (29:48) You're welcome. Thank you for having me. It's been wonderful. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you're struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #teenfriendships #parentingtips #raisingteengirls #friendshipdrama

Nov 21, 2024

Dr. Cam and Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein take a deep dive into the impact of gender bias and sexism on young girls. They discuss how societal messages affect girls' confidence, self-worth, and opportunities. Dr. Finkelstein shares powerful insights on validating girls' experiences, teaching self-advocacy, and redefining their value beyond appearance. The conversation also highlights the importance of helping girls express emotions like anger, recognize microaggressions, and take up space in a world that often tries to shrink them. Plus, they explore how parents can raise empathetic sons who challenge gender norms. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How gender bias and societal expectations impact girls' confidence Why teaching girls to express anger and take up space is crucial The power of validating girls’ experiences and building self-advocacy skills How to raise sons who recognize and challenge gender bias Practical ways parents can help their daughters navigate sexism 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Girls receive constant messages of invisibility and unworthiness. Parents play a key role in reshaping these narratives. Validating girls' experiences is essential. It helps them feel heard and strengthens their self-esteem. Teaching girls self-advocacy starts early. Encouraging them to speak up and set boundaries builds confidence. Society often prioritizes masculine traits. It’s important to teach girls (and boys) that all traits have value. Empowering girls requires action. Parents must actively challenge bias, model emotional expression, and foster resilience. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode, leave a rating and review, and help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical, real-world parenting strategies. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free Resource: Download 10 Mindful Practices for Preteens PDF Exclusive Offer: Work with Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein by visiting Jo-Ann Finkelstein EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding Gender Bias and Its Impact 06:05 Empowering Girls in a Biased World 14:10 Redefining Value Beyond Appearance 19:07 Building Confidence and Advocacy Skills 22:11 Empowering Girls to Express Emotions 25:00 Teaching Girls to Take Up Space 28:25 Recognizing and Addressing Microaggressions 32:49 Navigating Gender Bias and Self-Advocacy 37:11 Raising Empathetic Sons 42:24 Key Takeaways for Parents CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein Website: Jo-Ann Finkelstein Instagram: @JoAnnFinkelstein LinkedIn: Jo-Ann Finkelstein CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell THE FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00) In today's episode, we tackle a critical issue that affects countless young girls, sexism and gender bias. Did you know that as of 2023, women still earn about 82 cents for every dollar earned by men or that women hold just 27 % of executive positions in Fortune 500 companies despite making up nearly half of the workforce? The reality is that gender bias starts early and can significantly impact girls' confidence, opportunities and futures. That's why I'm looking forward to talking to Dr. Joanne Finkelstein, a clinical psychologist and author of Sexism and Sensibility, Raising Empowered Resilient Girls in the Modern World. Dr. Finkelstein is here to share practical strategies for protecting our daughters from these pervasive issues, fostering their resilience and empowering them to navigate a world where gender bias still unfortunately exists. Welcome Dr.. Finkelstein. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (00:59) It's so great to be here, Dr. Cam. Dr. Cam (01:02) So good to have you. So this is such an important topic. Let's start first. Why are you interested in this? What kind of inspired you to talk about and help girls deal with gender bias and sexism? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (01:16) I grew up in Canada. You know, I live in the States, but I grew up in Canada with three brothers. Canada, know, hockey is a national obsession. So I like to tell this story because it didn't make it into the book, but it has become family lore. And my family was really surprised that it didn't make it into the book. In any case. My three brothers, like they love to play hockey and I wanted to play too. So I asked my parents for, you know, a hockey stick. And to my delight, they bought me one. But to my horror, it was bright pink and looked like a toy version of my brother's. And by the way, you will find out along the way, I don't have anything against pink, but that is not what I was looking for, right? Dr. Cam (01:47) But it was a big statement. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (02:09) It was a big statement and I've worked with girls and women for the last 24 plus years in my private practice. And what I discovered is that my pink hockey stick is every girl's story, right? Girls constantly get messages that make them feel unseen, unheard, not taken seriously. And I witness, right, on a daily basis how harmful these messages are to my patient's sense of self and sense of potential. The messages aret hey seem small, right? But they're like tiny psychological paper cuts that accumulate and become these festering wounds of self-doubt over time. And growing up, when I would get upset about gender differences, people insisted that they didn't exist or they'd say, you're too sensitive or stop being so dramatic. And all your listeners out there, they know this, right? Because they're classic comments. But at the time, I didn't know that. So in any case, Fast forward to avoid criticism, I learned to hide my feelings and it wasn't until years later when I was doing a master's degree that I really began to understand that experience. And it happened because I mentioned in a paper for my developmental psychology class that I'd been accused of overreacting when I felt demeaned. And the professor scribbled in the margins, that's what people say to talk girls out of their feelings. It was such a validating moment for me. Dr. Cam (03:34) That's great. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (03:35) So basically, to get to a long story, validating girls' experiences and opening parents' eyes to the effects of sexism and gender bias are why I wrote the book. There two reasons why I Dr. Cam (03:50) I love that. And I think awareness is so important because I see even women being biased and sexist to other women because it is so great, you know, just pounded in our head. And I can remember, because I mean, anybody that is an adult woman has either experienced most likely a lot or knows people that have experienced extreme sexism and gender bias. And I remember pointing out at one point at a job that the traits of a leader as defined of what a leader is are traits that define the typical best traits of a man and what defines a bitch as a woman. You're, you, you have no chance. Yeah, you have no chance of being a leader because if you're a woman and have the traits of a leader, then you are disliked so much. So it's, Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (04:32) That is exactly right. And it's true. I mean, it's bears out in the research. Right, or if you do become a leader, right, you are jumping through so many hoops to not be perceived as a bitch and then often you are, are, you know, sort of like what's happening with Kamala Harris and, you know, people are saying you're too soft. So you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Dr. Cam (04:49) I think calling attention to these and also calling attention and they've shown so many times that actually some of the traits that are typical, there are gender differences. We've got to be real with that. But I think what it is is what we value is more of the masculine and what we use is insults. Like you fight like a girl, you run like a girl, you do this like a girl. They're insults rather than showing some of the strengths that are typical feminine traits actually are amazing in different roles, but we undermine them. So let's start with, we've got our teen daughter and she's living in high school and she's getting these messages already. We already know that STEM is still something that girls are kind of looked over on. We know that, again, the sports are separated, everything like that. So how do we as parents start empowering our girls to see their worth? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (05:42) That's a great question. And that's sort of my whole book. So let's unpack it. You know, I think the most important thing to remember is that we're playing the long game here. We can't just say, you know, the culture's broken, you're not broken. Right. But we we want them to understand that many of the messages that they're getting are informing their choices. Dr. Cam (06:08) Good! Let's go! Read to us your book! Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (06:34) For instance, clothing. I know a lot of people are really interested when their kids are becoming teenagers about their wearing crop tops and showing a lot of cleavage and wearing heels before parents are ready for the kids to wear heels and all of that. And so we're trying to help them understand, we're between wanting them to make their own choices, feel good in their own bodies, embrace their budding sexuality, or at least be unashamed of it. But seeing themselves through a system that values them, that values women packaged for a marketplace of male desire leaves little room for pimples and tummy rolls. So we're trying to help them understand that As I once said to my daughter, a crop top or a cigar is just a cigar, but a crop top Brazilian wax and something else is, you know, not as free choice as it seems. And so over time, we're trying to help them see that the culture doesn't always respect women, that the culture values their their appearance and their sexuality over all of their other characteristics and that we're not going to let that happen and that we want them to see, we want them to make their own choices, we understand that feeling good in their body is really important and that nobody should be able to take that away from them. But at times it makes them unsafe, it makes them a target, and it makes them focus more on their bodies than on other things in their life that are important. Dr. Cam (08:34) Now, Dr. Drew, I want to unpack this a little bit because I think this is something that I, as a mom of a daughter, I've struggled with a lot because even in that, when our kids want to wear whatever is popular, right? And it is. They like to wear these cute little crop tops and they want to wear these things. we're like, you can't wear those because those sexualize you. But that's sexist right there because who are they sexualizing them to men? So we now have to change the way we dress to accommodate What men may think of us rather than to dress the way we feel comfortable and confident in that upsets me The focus is more on you can't wear something that might tempt some guy rather than teaching our men Not to treat women like that like women have to protect themselves rather than teaching men not to mistreat women. Why is that? You can tell I'm passionate about that. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (09:38) Well, yeah, I mean, and I am too, and I'm glad to hear that in your voice because it's really not fair. And I think what we want parents, first of all, to understand is that people in everything or women in everything from bikinis to burkas are harassed or assaulted. So there's no research that shows that there is an association between what you wear and being assaulted. But we do want kids to understand that they may be treated differently. They may be seen as not as smart. And so we, you know, I think we can say to them exactly what you just said. It's not fair. You should not be responsible for anybody else's reactions to you. And I want you to know that you might be. And so they're making the choices of how they dress from an informed place. And you know, by the way, most of the kids, until at least their later teens, what kids tell me all the time is, I'm not dressing for guys. And they're really not, right? They're dressing for their peers. They're dressing because that's the trend. This is what teen brands are selling. And they wanna fit in. Dr. Cam (10:58) They feel empowered when they wear this outfit. They feel empowered. And I think them being able to show who they are and feel empowered is so important. So I'm curious from your perspective, is it more important to say you shouldn't wear that because this might be how people see you or you should wear that because you feel empowered? Here's how to handle it when people treat you poorly. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (11:29) I mean, I think it's really, you I don't like to tell people how to parent, but I, I, yes, we could forbid them to wear clothes they like and that help them fit in, but that does little for our relationship with them, Right, and it makes it us against, you know, rather than make it us against the culture, it makes it us against them. And the fight. Dr. Cam (11:45) or for their confidence. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (11:56) over autonomy in general and clothing in particular, it just harms too many parent relationships. you know, my mantra is to educate, not control. And again, the long game over time, we want them to understand that the world is trying to package them in a certain way. And we want them to tune into what makes them feel good, what makes them comfortable. And so what makes them comfortable in the beginning is fitting in, right? And so, you know, if, so if they're gonna wear that, you know, and you normally don't want it, like as they're walking out the door, if you say something, you will shame them and they will be conscious of their body. So it's like, we want to be having these conversations in advance and like throughout the book I talk about all of the ways we can have conversations with our kids that are more abstract, that don't target them, that help them think in critical ways. And so yeah, you might say, I wouldn't tie it to the clothes, but I would say just being a girl, you might be walking to the store, you might be walking to a friend's house and you might get catcalled. Or how do you feel when you get catcalled, you know, depending on the age of the kid. And you start a conversation about things that you can do, right? And there are ways we, there are often the safest thing to do is to just have them walk on, to ignore it. Sometimes that can escalate it because they want a reaction. So maybe you nod, but of course, a lot of kids and a lot of women, right? After the fact, they're like, I wish I had said this. I wish I had said that. And so you might give them three things that they can have up their sleeve if they deem it to be safe enough, like the guy's on the third floor and your ride is pulling up, then you can say, you know, is that the way you talk to your mom? Whatever it is, there's a variety of ways that I outline in the book that they can respond to a cat caller or to somebody who's making them feel bad about just existing. Dr. Cam (13:59) I'm thinking as we're talking about this, go, we right now are falling into the sexism, gender bias trap because we went right to appearance when we're talking about women. We did. We're women. We went right there. So how do we help our kids, our girls see themselves as far more valuable than their appearance and help them because right now when we protect our girls from so much, we're just continuing the sexism because we're protecting them from what's out there rather than helping them and helping them break through it. Right? So how do we empower our girls to see themselves for the value that they are, which is not this surface level appearance, which the world leads us to believe is our only value. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (15:13) Right. And one of the reasons we went right there is because globally speaking, girls believe their most important asset is their appearance. Right. They're seeing it all over television. So, you know, one of the things is starting from when they're very young, we just don't comment on their appearance. And I know it's very natural to do that, A, because it's so ingrained in us. Dr. Cam (15:21) Of course, because that's what they've grown up to learn. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (15:41) be because they just are so cute to us, right? And so we want to say, you're so beautiful. But, know, always be body neutral. Don't focus on their body as much as possible. When you do focus on their body, make it about what their bodies can do, how they function, not how they look, right? You can start with your own body. my gosh, you have a dog that loves to be chased. Like I'm so lucky that I have these really strong legs that allow me to chase Rover, you know? What can your body do? And then as they get older, because we're talking about adolescents now, right, you're focusing on their character, their effort that they make, things that they weren't born with necessarily, or that they can apply in a mirror. Let's say there are times we can tell our kids they're beautiful, right? I mean, you don't want to like suppress it all of the time. There are times when. Well, you know what the thing is, it does. Dr. Cam (17:17) Yeah, because then they think they're ugly. If you're never told that they're beautiful, they'll go right to, must be ugly. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (17:26) Well, the thing is the rest of the world is doing that for us. They're always commenting on their cute outfit and their cute nose. And so I think parents really don't have to fill in that much in that area. But what they can do, like if they've just had a big belly laugh with their daughter and they say, you are so beautiful, or they've just had this like incredible discussion about climate change and they say, you are so beautiful, then she knows you mean all of her. And when they're balled up in tears and they're saying, I'm ugly, of course it's our natural instinct to say, what are you talking about? You are so beautiful. But that just sort of emphasizes that pretty is important. And we don't want to do that. And they don't believe us anyway, because if they think they're ugly, they're getting the message from their peers. They're getting messages from social media that they don't fit some standard. And so really we want to talk to them about there's these crazy standards out there. Dr. Cam (18:08) Correct. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (18:26) and you may fit them or you may not fit them, but that's not what's important. What's important is that you, you know, and it's like, of course you want to fit in, you want to be beautiful. I personally think you're incredibly beautiful, but that's something you have to come to know on your own, right? Because they're just, they're not going to believe us if we just say you're beautiful. They don't. Dr. Cam (18:47) So what are some skills that we want to help our girls develop that sometimes gets overlooked with girls to help empower them to be that, to be a strong human being, to be a confident human being and to self advocate. That's a big one. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (19:06) That's a big one. Yeah, I think one of the things that I talk about in the book is that girls don't grow up with a healthy sense of entitlement, right? When we think of the word entitlement, we usually think of it pejoratively, like it's somebody who's too demanding. But girls are actually not demanding enough. And that, Dr. Kam, starts in third grade. Really, there's research that shows by third grade girls stop asking for as much as boys, especially when they're negotiating with a man, right? So in one, they're negotiating for their favorite stickers and they can ask for anything they want, but they ask for two fewer than boys do. And here's the kicker, this reflects the gender gap in negotiation that we see in adulthood, right? So yes, we want, there's all kinds of fit all kinds of ways that we can that we are teaching them not to do that. And there are all kinds of ways that we can like I like to call it our and our parenting replace or recognize and replace. And so one of the things we can do is make sure you brought up advocating, right? Make sure that they're advocating for themselves. When they go out for dinner at the restaurant when they're at the vet. if they have a question, right? And you're working up to, from the time they're little, with them being able to speak out loud and hear their own voices. The other thing we do is we teach them to be likable more than we teach them to have the need for respect. Another thing, they don't feel entitled to money. Right? Why? Because we don't talk to girls about money as much as we talk to boys. We actually don't pay them as much for chores, research shows. We don't save as much for college. I know. And one more thing is voice, right? Which is also what you're getting at with advocating is why don't we, why don't they feel as entitled to have a voice because we interrupt them. Men and women interrupt women more, right? And so if you live, if you have a daughter and there are men in the house, statistically speaking, she is being interrupted more than her brother. And so we can say, hey, wait a minute, I noticed you were being interrupted or, you know, just sort of alert brother when he's dominating the conversation and you can teach her it's okay to speak up. You will be interrupted in life. That is sometimes what happens. And we need to help you speak up because your voice is really important and what you have to say is very meaningful. Dr. Cam (22:10) I think that is so key because when we're raising kids, when we're raising girls, as parents, we have to make sure we listen to their voice too. I think we shut them down, especially if they sound like they're whining or they're sad, we shut down their sadness. We definitely shut down anger. One thing I've noticed is that girls struggle to express anger. It goes into tears. I know personally that's what I do because anger wasn't allowed for girls. so giving them freedom to be angry and express that anger right there, I think is so empowering. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (22:48) Yes, I'm so glad you said that because, you know, good is the gold standard for girls in a way it isn't for boys and anger is not good. Right. And so I actually had a mom contact me after she read the book. Recently, she emailed me and said, I just read your book. And my God, I realized that I was shutting down my daughter's anger and strong opinions more than my sons, even though my son is more critical, even though my son has stronger opinions. And so what she did is she went to her daughter and said, I think this is what's happening. And I don't know why it's happening. I think maybe, you know, girls aren't supposed to have strong opinions. I know that girls with strong opinions often get shut down. So I'm having this like internalized sexist reaction. And her daughter started to cry from the recognition because she knew something was off. She would complain mom didn't listen to her, but it wasn't quite that. And so there was this real reparative moment where her mom could say, I'm doing this. And then, you know, it opens up space for the daughter to say, hey, mom, I think this is happening rather if it happens again, rather than it turn into this big fight, you never listen and stomp out of the room. And so, yeah, when one of the ways that I outline is tolerating girls' tolerating their anger, right? Which doesn't mean tolerating rudeness, but it does mean knowing that you get uncomfortable with their anger. Dr. Cam (24:19) It's so important because women need to know that they can say no. I think women get raised to be people pleasers because they get in less trouble when they just comply. I don't see men apologize for every little thing as much as I see women apologizing for like everything. I think women learn to make themselves small so they don't get in the way of other people. How do we teach our girls to take up space? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (24:59) I'm writing a sub-staff newsletter right now about modesty, because when we hear the word modesty, we sort of think of it as like so last century with like the long dresses and the high collars. Right. And but really there are all these other ways that we're teaching behavioral modesty, right? So that we and that's all part of being good, right? We ask girls to downplay their accomplishments so that they don't seem conceited. We ask them to, you know, for like the gentle handshakes and the soft-spokenness, like they're rewarded for that because it's so feminine, right? And so there's, we expect this demureness from them and that infiltrates everything. And so when they do speak up or when they do have something they want to say or do, they apologize first. Like, I'm so sorry that I want this or I'm so sorry that I need this, right? Dr. Cam (26:10) It's hard. I, I noticed even with me, I will giggle after I say something that is either controversial or anything like that, just to, and I hate when I do that because I don't want to do it, but I, it's so instinctual to soften whatever I just said, to kind of, it is, it is my apology. It's my way apologizing for saying something that I don't need to apologize for. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (26:27) I wrote a book about sexism and I still find myself people pleasing. And it's like it's it's because, you know, it's something that right from the time kids are little, we are rewarding girls for their cooperation and their collaboration and with boys. We don't teach that as much, right? And they actually come to see, like when we expect that from boys, it can start to seem emasculating. And, you know, so we, all the time we say, girls can be anything boys can be. Because like you were saying in the beginning, we value the masculine over the feminine, right? We value baseball over fashion. We value, you know, understanding finance over understanding intimacy, right? Right. And we talk to, and we talk, look, we use many more emotion-focused words with girls as infants than we do with boys. And with boys, we use more achievement-related language like proud, win, best. But of course, those are things, you know, being able to be, to own your sense of competitiveness and also being able to be emotional are important for everybody. So why are we doing this really binary thing? Because it's unconscious, because it's so much of what we learn, because we are magnifying these very small differences that we see in infants when they're born, right? But normally, but you know, research shows if you don't actually play into those differences, they disappear. Dr. Cam (28:03) How do we teach our girls to recognize these microaggressions against women? How do we teach them to recognize those and how to stand up for themselves in a way that, I mean, this isn't about being suddenly nasty or rude because that completely feeds into the stereotype too, right? Don't become a Karen. So how do we teach our girls to be assertive in situations where they feel like they're being mistreated. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (29:01) In the book, I tell the story about how I first introduced sexism to my daughter, right? And in the book, I call it a sexism detector. We want it to be sort of like a smoke detector that it only goes off when it's actually needed. But because it can be hard, it can be really hard to tell if something's sexist, right? Because often it's so invisible or it's very subtle. In the past, it used to be much more, maybe it was more obvious. And it's more subtle today because we have movements like Me Too and because we have books like Sexism and Sensibility. So a lot of it is sort of going underground, but just because it's more subtle does not make it less damaging. So I was much more hesitant with my daughter to talk about sexism than with my son because I didn't want to make her feel inferior. I didn't want her to feel like a target, right? So basically what happened is we were watching MasterChef Jr. as a family and the first season she was like, the girl's gonna win. I think the girl's gonna win. I really want the girl to win. And you know, the girl didn't win. And then this went on for several seasons and like we were watching reruns so like we could sort of plow through it. And each season I could see like her hope diminish. And eventually I was like, what am I doing? There's so many obvious signs of sexism, obvious to me, but not to little her. So I started to say, you know what? There's something going on here and the girl's not winning in part, I think, because all the judges are men. And they're probably not doing it on purpose, but they're identifying with the boys. And so I picked out things like, do you see how they say to the boy, my God, this is an amazing dish, I can't wait to visit your restaurant when you get older. And to the girls, they would say, wow, this is an amazing dish. Is this a fluke or could you do it again? Right. And then you wonder why every woman that walks in my office has imposter syndrome. So basically over time, we're teaching them, we're pointing out an everyday life because the world gives us endless teachable moments. Right. We're saying, wow, did you notice that the waiter did not make eye contact with me until he realized that I was paying and going to be giving the test. You're saying they often think that the man is gonna pay and so they're not nice to the woman or they're making these assumptions. And that's something that you're gonna experience in your life from time to time and I just want you to be aware of it. Right? And we can talk about it when it happens. Because if you bring it into the home and you say that you know that gender bias and sexism exists and it's not okay, but it's not about them, it's about the culture. here we are, we're trying to fix the culture and it is getting better over time. You always wanna balance the darkness with hope. Dr. Cam (32:18) Right. Here's the challenge though, too, that I see is when you are a girl or a woman and you point out things like that, that feel biased rather than people, men often, even women, self-correcting, they turn it around as you're being too sensitive or I've been left out of meetings because it's like, well, we can't be ourselves if there's a woman there, because now we can't be ourselves, which means what? Right? Now we have to be careful that we're not sexist. So that is a challenge too, because you might get left out of the circle or you might get kind of labeled if you make a big deal out of being treated unequally. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (32:51) Part of it is every child is different and some kids are going to feel more comfortable standing up for themselves and some aren't. Right. So the big thing that I want to get across to all girls is it's not them. Right. They do not need fixing. The culture needs fixing. Right. But that they are. So we're trying to intervene before they really internalize all of this stuff. And that hopefully over time, as it becomes more acceptable in the culture, and it already is, they will feel comfortable standing up. And if they can, if they can be, if they can employ bystander intervention, which just means speaking up when it happens to somebody else, then when it happens to them, they are more likely not to think this was my fault. This was something I asked for. This was something I did wrong. I shouldn't have said that to him. I shouldn't have looked at him like this. I shouldn't have gone home with him, right? So the more we can talk about it, the more they'll feel like they can stand up for it. But we also want them to, we wanna give them permission to walk away when they feel like they can't stand up for themselves, when they feel like it's dangerous. Right? We just want them to know, like that's what I started to say before. If we bring it into the home, they'll even if they can't say anything there or they don't feel comfortable saying anything there, they can always come home and talk to us because we've already let them know. We know this exists. You did not ask for this. This is not your responsibility to fix, but I want to hear about it. Dr. Cam (35:02) It's basically protecting them from being gaslit. Right? Do you think that's part of it? And there I just giggled. It's part of, so it's protecting them from, and what you're saying is it's, so they're not internalizing it. They're not as impacted when people say something by taking it personally. They can separate and say, that person is having issues with me being a woman. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (35:07) Essentially. Essentially. Dr. Cam (35:32) It has nothing to do with me being a woman. It has nothing to do with me personally. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (35:34) Right, like in the book, right, and you're right, like a lot of, it happens so often that we really can't react to every little thing, right? So we're giving them the tools to just sort of swiftly decode what's happening in the moment. But you know, I interviewed a group of eighth graders for the book and they were like, it's fine. I mean, I don't like when he snaps my bra strap, but it's fine. Dr. Cam (35:44) No, it's too right. That's crazy. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (36:03) And the thing is, what we're trying to have girls understand is like, yes, there are times you have to brush it off and I want you to know it's not fine because over time, research shows that this affects your self-esteem and your sense of potential. It places so much focus on your body that you can't focus on other things. Dr. Cam (36:26) Yeah, that's really important to keep that message going. I think too, and everything you've been saying, I haven't gotten the gist of that, but making sure this isn't about blame either. This isn't about men are bad, men are evil, men are, this is not about that at all. I think it's just pointing out that this is the way that we've all been raised to believe and that it's going to take time to change that belief that it's not the intent isn't sometimes it is, but the intent isn't to be sexist more than it is just completely unaware. Do you feel like that's fair to say? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (37:10) You mean among boys and men? Yeah, I think right. I think actually this sort of patriarchal culture that our kids are growing up in, it hurts boys as much as it hurts girls. And what I've come to understand being in private practice for so long and talk and, know, I have many boys and men that are patients too, that we need to change the culture, not just because it will help our daughters. but because it will help our sons too, right? So what we're doing is we're cutting off half of their humanity, right? If you can't express your, if you're a woman or a girl, you know, an adolescent and you can't express your autonomy and your competitiveness and your authority, that's cutting off an important part of who you are. And if you're a boy and you can't express your emotionality and your wish for connection and cooperation, that's cutting off half your humanity. And so I want this as much for boys as I do for girls. Dr. Cam (38:19) Let's go there real quick because I think we mentioned at the very beginning, there's, it's put on the women to make change, right? And we end up adapting ourselves to fit into a man's world. How do we raise sons that are less or aren't sexist? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (38:45) That's a really good question and I do have a whole section in the book on that. You know, I think for one, especially when you're a teenage boy, girls have a lot of power over you. And so often the Me Too movement doesn't make sense to them. They feel like they're being blamed. And so the really important thing that we wanna do is explain sexism to them help them understand it as much as we're helping our girls understand it because they don't understand the history. They don't understand the focus on girls' appearance. They don't understand. They really don't get how vigilant a girl has to be every moment of her life out in the world. And I think the more they come to understand that, the more empathy they'll have for her and for girls in general. And another thing I would say is For their whole growing up experience, don't separate boys and girls. As much as possible, keep these cross-gender friendships going. Dr. Cam (39:49) Yeah, you're right. There's so much separation. And then we don't understand one another and we don't learn from one another. And it does create this very just polarizing women, men. And I've been seeing this too, is that the container of what it is to be a man and a woman, I feel are so restraining that no one actually fits into that container. which then creates a whole nother level of insecurity because I don't fit that perfect container that is completely unrealistic, which means where do I fit? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (40:23) Yes. And the container for women is their bodies, right? Like their bodies have to be shrunk and fit this certain standard. And for boys, it's really their masculinity, right? There's this constant nagging feeling that they're not boy enough. Even the most boy boys feel that way. And it's really sad. And with my son, in terms of like your question of what do you do, I've taken the long view. Like he might not be able now to stand up to his friends and be like, that's so sexist, right? But if I'm pointing it out, if I overhear things that they're saying, I'm, you know, there's a story in the book, right? About a friend of mine who called me and she had overheard her friend, she had overheard her son who was a new freshmen, just making friends, had them over to the house and they were saying words like ho and thought, right? That whatever, that ho over there and she didn't say anything because she didn't want to be the one who sort of single-handedly shamed them and got in the way of him making friends. And so she called me and she was like, my God, what am I going to do? Like, I feel like I missed the moment. And I was like, you did not miss the moment at all. This is just perfect food for fodder. And so she went and she talked to him about what she had overheard and he was like, mom, it's just a joke. And you know, even the girls laugh at it. And she was like, yeah, I'm sure they do because they've been conditioned to, but there's no reason that we should laugh at girls' sexuality and elevate boys' sexuality. And I was like, boom, right? And so that was just a lesson in passing. She didn't harp on it. It was just something she could say. And over time, hopefully this message sinks into that boy and he starts to be able to think that way as well. Dr. Cam (42:08) I love that. the takeaway I'm getting is it's really in modeling how we are as mothers and just showing our power, talking to our girls and boys equally and focusing on both sides of who they are. And I want to ask you, what is your big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with? Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (42:52) that's a great question. I want parents to know that sexism and gender bias affect girls much more than you think. But if you understand how to approach it, you can reduce the negative effects of it. Dr. Cam (43:16) Great. That is wonderful. So Dr. Jo, tell us more about your book and how people can find you. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (43:23) Yes, so the book is called Sexism and Sensibility, Raising Empowered Resilient Girls in the Modern World. You can find it wherever books are sold. It's also an audiobook that I narrate and it is you can find me at JoanneFengelstein.com or I have a newsletter that's JoanneFengelstein.substack.com called The Feminist Parent and I'm on Instagram at joannfingelstein.phd and on TikTok at the same handle. Dr. Cam (44:00) All of them. That's great. And I love that you played off of a Jane Austen book because Jane Austen writes some really powerful women. So that's a great play. Love it. All right. Thank you so much for joining us. Really appreciate you. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (44:08) She sure does.Thank you, Dr. Cam, it's been fun. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationship with their teens. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior, communication, or self-esteem issues, this podcast offers actionable solutions to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #empoweringgirls #genderbias #raisingstronggirls #parentingtips

Nov 19, 2024

Dr. Cam sits down with Leslie Cohen-Rubery, a clinical social worker, to tackle one of the toughest challenges parents face—handling teens with intense emotions. If you’ve ever felt like your child’s outbursts are out of control or completely illogical, this episode is for you. Leslie shares insights on emotional regulation, validation, and how to de-escalate heated moments. They also discuss why parents shouldn't try to "fix" their teen’s feelings and how reflection and repair after conflicts can strengthen your relationship. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why your teen’s emotions aren’t as irrational as they seem The biological and social factors behind emotional outbursts How validation can calm a crisis and improve communication The power of witnessing emotions without rushing to fix them How to repair after a conflict and strengthen your connection 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Your child's intense emotions aren’t a reflection of your parenting. Feeling guilt or shame doesn’t help—understanding does. Validation is a game-changer. Acknowledging your teen’s emotions without judgment helps them feel heard. Your teen's brain is still developing. Their reactions may feel extreme, but there’s often a biological and social reason behind them. Don’t rush to fix their emotions. Sometimes, just sitting with them in their discomfort is the best support. Conflict can lead to growth. Post-conflict discussions should focus on solutions, not blame, to strengthen your relationship. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Love this episode? Share it with other parents, leave a review, and help more families navigate the teen years with confidence. Your support means the world! 🙏💫 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss a solution-packed episode! EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding the 'Monster' in Our Teens 04:06 The Roots of Intense Emotions 09:45 Navigating Emotional Turbulence 14:00 Effective Strategies for De-escalation 20:01 Post-Conflict Reflection and Repair 30:09 Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Leslie Cohen-Rubery Facebook: @lesliecohenrubury Instagram: @lesliecohenrubury YouTube: @lesliecohenrubury TikTok: @lesliecohenrubury CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell THE FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.902) Hey parents, if your teen is prone to outbursts or dramatic reactions, this episode is for you. Joining us today is the insightful Leslie Cohen-Ruberry, a licensed clinical social worker with 39 years of experience supporting families. Leslie is the creator of the podcast, Is My Child a Monster? Where she helps parents navigate the often rocky waters of parenting. In this episode, Leslie is going to share some effective strategies for addressing our teens' monstrous emotions. Welcome, Leslie. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (00:35.759) Well, hello, thank you Dr. Cam for having me today. Dr. Cam (00:39.264) Absolutely, let's start with, I always like to start with the backstory. How did you come up with the title and the idea of, is my child a monster? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (00:48.987) Well, it's very real. And that's actually a piece of advice I might talk about later when we talk about how to be with our kids. It's about being real. So parents would come to me and in that very first session, they'd sit down and they'd say, is my child a monster? Like they really were upset and it upset them to ask that question. They felt guilty, they felt shame. Sometimes it was even more extreme. Is my child sociopathic? And I'm like, my heart broke. And I said, no. And that is what I say every time I have not met a monster, every time a parent comes into me and says, is my child a monster? So it was very real. I heard it over and over again. And then when I thought about doing a podcast, said, I can't do anything but that title because you know, it's so powerful. And what it is, it's no, your child is not a monster, but they may be misunderstood. And that's the whole premise behind the podcast. That's where it came from. And that's what therapy is about. some parents don't feel like their child's a monster, but many, many parents worry about their child and they don't understand their child. So it includes really all parents, not just the ones who think their child's a monster. Dr. Cam (02:01.482) I love that and I think that is this ongoing fear that parents have saying, my gosh, did I mess my kid up? Is there something wrong with my kid? Is this normal? What are some of the behaviors you see the parents group into the term monster? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (02:08.15) Well, the biggest one is what you sort of announced in the introduction, which is these big, intense emotions. Like a child having, one of my episodes is where the child is having a meltdown because the parent threw away or lost their acorn. And so from a parent's mind is you've got to be kidding me. You're having a meltdown over an acorn where there's literally thousands outside, we can go get another. So parents would, it's that's very typical. So intense emotions, like you wanted to go see that movie, why can't, why are you having a meltdown before we go in? These are all examples from, you know, podcast is like, parents get confused over, it feels like illogical, intense reactions and intense behaviors. So throwing things. You know, withdrawing, won't talk, won't, you know, anything like that. When we get to teenagers, the behaviors get a little more scary and so do the emotions. So we're talking about teens who may be self-harming, may be extreme in their language to the parent. These power struggles get very intense. So it's usually intense behaviors or intense emotion. Dr. Cam (03:39.212) First of all, parents, if your kids are acting this way and you have this fear, which I know a lot of you do, take a deep breath. We're going to talk about it and there is an explanation behind it. And when there's an explanation, there are solutions. So let's start first with some explanation. Where are these big overreactions over something seemingly ridiculously small? Where are they coming from? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (04:06.883) Well, that's a long answer, but the short answer is your child is in emotion mind. And much of the skills that I'm going to talk about today come from dialectic behavior therapy. I am an intensively trained dialectic behavior therapist. and these skills are incredible for regulating emotions and disray and, also behavior. So dial the first thing is we want to recognize when our child is in emotion mind, because in that moment. When the child is feeling that they are an emotion mind, which is an illogical, intense, often hot, heavy, you know, kind of experience. For the question that's a little bit larger context of where is this coming from, we have both a biological makeup and an environmental or social component, which is, you know, who your child is when they're born. And that part, we don't change. That part, we need to accept that this is who they are. We're not fixing their biological makeup. So some children are born highly, highly sensitive. They feel things intensely, whether they notice someone crying three blocks away or, you know, at the other end of the room or in the classroom or something like that. They take on, they feel other people's emotions. get, they may get overwhelmed by stimulation, by just being in a crowded place, why are they hesitating to go to a birthday party that they really wanna go to or go visit their friend. And so there's the biological piece that parents often wanna change, but we really need to remember acceptance is one of the more important strategies to actually teach and use. And then there's of course the social environment. If your child, if you have one of these sensitive children and you're trying to get out of the house with your teenager and you're screaming at them, come on, I gave you 15 minutes, let's go, let's go. And you just like, there's nothing in your mind that says, why is this kid not getting out of the house? It's time to go to school. They're always late. When you get that kind of frustration and then you convey that because we're all human and it is frustrating. So when the parent is feeling that kind of frustration, they may be conveying to the child unintentionally, you are bad, what is wrong with you? How come you can't do this? Or even if there's not that there may be a few siblings in the house and that child is the only one that's struggling. you know, everybody else is out the door catching the bus, whatever, they're there, they're doing it, they're struggling. And so they may think that they are a monster. They may think that they are bad. And that's the environment which is what does the fit look like between the environment and who this person is? Dr. Cam (07:01.342) And Leslie, I think it's really important to point out that when we start reacting to our kids this way and they start responding this way, we start actually defining who they are and how they see themselves. And so when we act like they're a monster, we start feeding into them becoming and believing they're a monster, which just makes it worse. So I, right. So I think. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (07:27.865) And it's behaviorism. It's reinforcing exactly what they see. Dr. Cam (07:31.028) It is exactly what we're trying to stop. And I think a lot of parents do because they're trying to say, I'm pointing out what's wrong with you, so you'll fix it. And the problem is that's not how it works. Because if they could fix it, they would have. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (07:48.943) Right? No one wants to be feeling this way. No one wants to show up like that. I mean, no, I was the one in my family having those tantrums. there's, you know, it's not you. And yeah, it's not like we wanted to be that way. And that's what parents forget that. They forget. Yeah. When I gave the title, didn't realize, I'm just, I'm healing those childhood wounds because I was that monster child, even though I didn't call myself a monster. I just said I was bad. Dr. Cam (07:58.072) Ditto.That was a pain in the butt. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (08:17.549) And bad is a feeling of shame and shame is very, very toxic. It's very often. It is an unjustified feeling that I labeled myself because the world didn't get me. I had my learning disabilities. had these intense emotions. was highly intense behaviors and highly sensitive and you know, no fault, but nobody really got me. And that's what the podcast is about. And that's what we're doing here today is to help parents understand who your child is. Dr. Cam (08:50.114) Yeah. So the first step is realizing they're not doing this on purpose. They're not doing it to make your life miserable. And us getting upset does not hurry them. It slows them down more. So a lot of times we get this anxiety and we just get louder and more and more and we got to go, we got to go. And when we do this, we're actually slowing the process down. So Leslie Cohen-Rubury (09:16.559) Right. Well, I think there's a lot of pressure on parents and I write the pressure to not have this moment, to teach your child. Like if I don't do this now, what will my child be like? And a lot of our fear is driven by future oriented pressure. Like I have to teach my child. Well, I fire many parents from that job. I actually say, can I fire you because I have another job for you. And that other job is to see your child for who they are and give them that information. Well, I noticed getting out of the house is really hard for you. So it's observing and describing. Those are two mindfulness skills that we teach in DBT. Those observe and describe what you see. Give your child that information. That is the most important job as a parent is to give your child the information about who they are. and how they show up in the world. Wow, I noticed, yeah, go ahead. Dr. Cam (10:17.312) And, no, I just wanted to add to that. When you said that, there was no adjectives put into it or subjective thoughts to it. Like you're lazy and you're this or you're, it is just the facts of you are not getting out on time. No, nothing else. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (10:37.039) Yeah. And here's the thing. I'm a very intense person myself. So when my child was having their big reactions or whatever, I needed to calm myself down because I was the one. So when we notice a name, I am now working very hard to actually stay in my wise mind so that I don't get absorbed into their wise mind, into their emotion mind at the moment. So when I say, well, I noticed you're having a big reaction. I noticed that you're yelling at me. I noticed that you actually said you hate school. It's real, it's in the moment, and it often helps both the child and the parent sort of like wake up and say, yeah, that's what's happening right now. And then you can figure out what the next step is. So observing and describe is a very important skill to actually help us deal with those big emotions. Dr. Cam (11:35.246) I love that because it not only gives them the language, it also gives you the language and resets your expectation of what's going on and changes. Because when we have a story which we create about what's going on and we respond out of that story, which 9 times out of 10, probably 9.9 times out of 10 is wrong, we're responding in a very ineffective way. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (11:57.243) And what you just said I want to reinforce, which is parent and children need to learn these skills, especially teens. And I, every year I run what's called a multifamily DBT group. And a multifamily group means you have a parent or two parents or caregivers and the team in the group. And most teens come and say, I don't want my parent in the group. I said, watch out, they're going to get more out of it than you are. And the parents who join the group actually get their eyes open up there, you know, and for the team, they're thrilled to see their parent learning something. They are actually and I know they're taking stuff away too. you know, everybody's taking these skills away when we're in the group together, but the teens love to see their parents learning it. So the idea that you are learning the same thing and the same language of these three states of mind, I'm in emotion mind, you're in emotion mind, I need to take a moment to get myself into wise mind. You know, that's the difference between emotions in the back of your brain and the prefrontal cortex where you can problem solve. You can't problem solve when you're in a state of emotion and that's a mistake parents often try to do is when their child is screaming, let's solve this problem. That is not the moment to solve, no. Dr. Cam (13:14.168) going to happen. Yeah, that's when we just take the phone out of anger and then it's not accomplishing or teaching or doing anything at that point. We're just making it mad. So I think let's let's talk. So now parents are probably on the edge of the seat going, OK, now tell us then what do we do if we can't yell and we've got to stay? We're going to try to stay calm. We need to know what to do. And I think it's a real challenge with teenagers because they are not open to our suggestions at this point. So please tell us, what do we do when we're in that moment and what are some things first and then what are some things we can do to prevent us from getting in that moment, which is way easier than trying to get out of the moment. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (14:00.796) Absolutely. There is an ABC or an ARC kind of, we can do things beforehand, we can do things during, and we can do things after. in the moment, we'll go back later to what we can do beforehand, but in the moment, one of the most, you know, so we started off by saying, become aware that you or your child is in emotion mind. And then I sort of asked myself a question, whose problem is this? If the child came to me upset, it's their problem. Why am I going to get in there and make it my problem? So I have a metaphor that's a little bit graphic. And if anyone is very queasy, please turn down your volume. But the idea that if your child was throwing up because they had a stomach bug, you would want to go and help them, but you would not say you can throw up on me. That would be ridiculous because once they throw up on you, now you no longer can be help. You have to go shower yourself. You have to change your clothes. You got to clean up. It's like, and you're disgusted. So you're not helpful anymore. But if you hand them a bucket, you can, because you realize they're sick. I need to help them. But you keep yourself that one step removed and you hand them a bucket. Now you can be helpful. So the metaphor says, ask yourself, whose problem is this If it's their problem, I have to be able to witness, and this is the hard part, I have to be able to witness my child being uncomfortable. And parents, I see a lot of parents having difficulty with that. They are really, really uncomfortable. They don't want their child to be uncomfortable from a very young age. So they're trying to smooth the road. Well, when you get to a teenager and you can't smooth the road anymore, then you get it. you know, like hit it like a slap in the face. It's awful because you can't fix it in the moment. And they are going to be, you know, they're going to feel these intense emotions of feeling left out or not good enough with their peers or at home or whatever it is. And so parents have to witness the pain that their child is in. And so you need your own system of support and grounding yourself and just remembering that it is their problem. And the way we fix it or the way we help them is to actually respect them to say they can handle their problem. Even if you think they can't, still say that to yourself. I have faith that my child can handle their problem. And I know everybody wants it in the immediate. Right now I want my child to handle their problem. I want it to go away, but… It's a much more open your hands and be willing to accept the discomfort of the moment that's gonna be there until it passes and it will pass. Dr. Cam (16:55.374) So what do we do in the meantime? Because doing nothing is probably the hardest thing for parents to do. We want to do, we want to fix. Do we just stand there and let them act out? What if they're acting out violently or yelling or what do we do? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (17:15.909) So the one way to deescalate, one of the most effective ways to deescalate or to actually just with just a very effective skill is using validation. Validation acknowledges what is going on, what is happening, what your child is feeling, thinking, how their behavior, validation does not mean agreement. So if I validate my child who is yelling at me, it doesn't mean I okay it. It doesn't mean I'm saying it's okay. I can validate you are so angry that you think the only thing you could do right now is to scream at me. So when we validate what is going on for our child, it can begin to deescalate it because I'm not adding fuel to the fire. And validation is simply stating what you see, sort of a little bit of that observe and describe, but it's that what I said about being real. It's letting your child know. So some parents will say to a teenager, I see that you're, you know, see that you're really, it sounds like you're really angry. Okay. And they get even angrier. Right. Sometimes it works and it brings them down goes, yes, I'm so angry. I, know, I'm really, really angry. And other times they just get angrier. So if validation works, it's going to deescalate the situation. If validation doesn't work, because by the way, validation is in the eye of the beholder. So the person who's receiving it. Yeah. The person receiving the validation has to feel is validating. Dr. Cam (18:50.381) That's a good point. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (18:56.613) So if they get louder and they get more upset, I would say very quickly, wow, what I just said felt more invalidating, even if I'm trying to validate you. So then I would, then that's when I go, they just want, know, hey, this situation sucks. This situation is really miserable. They don't want me to tell them how they're feeling. They want me to be on their side and just say, and I don't have, again, I don't have to agree with them. This really stinks. We are so quick to try to fix everything. Slow down and just see where your child is. Just slow down and be in the pain with them. And we don't wanna do that because we think we're gonna make it worse. I think I use a clip for, didn't even see the movie, but I use a clip from Inside Out one, part one, where, or the first one, where there's a very good example of actually being there and naming the sadness or naming the pain or naming the anger actually reduces it, it doesn't increase it. Dr. Cam (20:01.41) Yeah, I think what's hard is when we see kids especially swearing at us and saying things like that. think it triggers us to say, a second, I as a parent should not be talked to this way. This is not okay. I think we're not saying that that is okay. We're saying that's not the moment that you're going to make any change. If you try to teach and correct and fix that language and say that's not okay and get upset with how they're exhibiting their anger in that moment, you're just gonna get more of it. So this is something we're in the moment. We're not going to teach, we're not going to folks fix, we're going to validate and we're gonna deescalate. That is our only job, right? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (20:49.893) Right. Right. And that is a a winning plan. That is parents think I'm not letting them get the best of me. I'm not going to let them do that. Well, then you actually enter the power struggle. They baited you and you got baited. And so I say to parents, kids are really good at baiting us. They know how to supposedly push our buttons by the way we don't have buttons, but kids know what to say. Not because the manipulative, by the way, I do not look at teenagers and manipulative. I look at kids as doing the best they can with the skills they have. And in that moment, they need you to understand that. And if they're upset and then they get you upset, well, they got you to understand they're upset. So can you do that by again, stepping away and giving them a little space because giving them a little space and saying, I'm here. I see that you are in emotion mind. see that you're yelling at me and you're trying to communicate to me, you know, go below the surface. When they're yelling at you, don't stay up on the surface and get caught in the, that's where you get baited. Go below the surface and say, wow, if you're yelling at me this way, you must be in a lot of pain. You must be feeling so horrible that you can yell at me or you want me to know something. Hey, can you take a breath and let me know what you're trying to tell me? I, another thing that I say, I bait them. I really want to hear what you have to say. What you're doing right now doesn't work for me. I don't speak yelling language. I don't, I can't understand this. So I'm here. I want to hear what you have to say. It's very important. Can you find a different way to say it? I'll give you space. I'll give you time. Dr. Cam (22:37.922) Yeah. I think what's important, Leslie, is if we go and try this today and you've been in a mask and your go-to has been yelling and getting caught up into it, it's not gonna work beautifully for the first, second, third time because your kids are still expecting you to get upset. This is something that you have to do over time. So a lot of parents will go, well, I tried that once. It didn't work. I'm gonna go back to the yelling which has not worked hundreds of times. So I really want to encourage parents when you hear skills like this, they're not something that magically changes. It's something you have to be consistent at and you have to adapt and learn. But when we're always yelling and showing our kids we can't regulate our emotions, we're not going to be able to teach them to regulate theirs. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (23:32.591) Right, right. And one day your child's gonna turn to you if you use the language of emotion mind and don't overuse it, they will not like that. But when you use it, they will turn one day to you and say, mom, you're in emotion mind. And you will not like hearing that, but they're right. Right, they know it. Dr. Cam (23:51.938) Yeah. yeah, my teen has told me, we don't use emotion mind, but my teen has definitely pointed that out too. And it's important because we both need, when you get in that emotional state, you kind of lose your smart mind, right? A little bit. So it's good to kind of have that touchstone. Okay. So we're calming and we're deescalating by really not adding is what our goal is. What do we do afterwards when our kids have been completely rude and nasty and said stuff that we are not okay with? How do we address that now without starting it up again? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (24:32.471) Okay, so at that point afterwards, sometimes, you know, there's three approaches, you let it go. There are some families where they have to process everything, you know, and it's and the children are exhausted because and that's why they don't want to talk to you because everything needs to be processed. So a small percentage of it is let it go. It's over. Okay. Well, I'm not gonna let my child get away with it. You think they let you know my child who was had such difficulty and had big emotions, she still feels shame at 34 years old for the way she treated her family, you know, and been apologizing to that. And they don't forget. So if you let it go, it's only because every once in a while it's okay to let some things go. On the other hand, there is a good amount of time where I want to sit down and say, hey, can we look at what happened? Now, most of the time, when people wanna look at what happens, it's like for further punishment, as opposed to, or blame. You said this and I, know, and so instead if we adopt a perspective, and this is what we do in DBT again, is we say, hey, let's look what happened so we can figure out what we can do different next time. And it's called looking for synthesis and solutions for changing behavior. So I would, and this is what I would do way in advance is, hey, I'm gonna do something new. Instead of when things don't feel good or you behave in a way or I behave in a way that we're not happy with, I would like to come back, take a short little five minute, that time makes them feel like you're not gonna lecture them for two hours. I'd like to go over for five minutes just what happened, what can we do different? Not what happened so we can blame not what what happened so we can judge but what what happened so we can look at doing something different. Okay. Dr. Cam (26:36.302) Yeah, that's so important because I think often we approach it as what can you do differently next time? What should you do differently next time when the dynamic required both of us? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (26:50.745) Right. So you might now I've started with my started young with my grandchildren. I did with my kids, but I didn't know all this as much with my kids who are 37, 34, 34. So I'm doing it with my grandchildren where, you know, big, intense emotions, highly sensitive kids, and they're listening. But if you already have a team who you haven't had the opportunity to do some of this with, It's probably best to start with yourself. So if you sit down and say, I'd like to go over what I could do different, that did not feel good to me. Even if your child was the one with big emotions, they feel safer coming to you and listening, hey, I just want to share with you what I'd like to do different. You might have a suggestion for me. I might have a suggestion and let you know what I'm going to try different. Next time that happens, I'm going to say, I'm getting an emotion mind, I'll be back. I'm gonna go calm myself down and I'll be back and I'm gonna come back to deal with you. Then they learn that you're dealing with your emotion, which is setting a fantastic example for them. So that would be something you could do initially is to share what you would do different. And absolutely, if they're open to it, I would say, do you wanna go over anything that you might do different? And then finally is sometimes we need our children or ourselves to make a repair because damage was done. You said hurtful things. I said hurtful things and there are consequences. We're not ignoring those consequences. You have to, you know, I can understand why you might have said hurtful things. You were really in pain and now there are consequences. We still need a repair. So what does that repair look like? And I talked to my child with respect about hey, how do you want to how do you want to do a repair? We can sit here and do a little work about what we'd want to do next time. That's a repair. We could say that you want to take on one of my chores. I water my plants every Saturday morning. Maybe you want to take on one of my chores and water my plants for me. That's a repair. So we can we can offer something. And I think when we come generously to our children and invite them into the conversation and treat them with respect, then we more likely will get cooperation. I know not all kids will give that cooperation because they're angry and they're very hurt and they're very angry and they've got that wallet. They don't feel like they can willingly participate. And sometimes with those kids, it does take time. You need to create a connection so that they will feel like they're more willing to do something. We have to turn from conflict to collaboration. And so sometimes this goes into the before. Sometimes we need to do things when things are fine and work on building the sense of collaboration, building a sense of connection, because then the repair can go so much smoother. And if you have such trouble with the during and after, then it may be that you need to look at before I'm disconnected from my child. And that's what most of these ruptures are about. They're like letting you know that there's no connection. So a lot of it is about prevention, is setting it up. So we reduce the number of, the amount of conflict. Dr. Cam (30:25.068) I think that's the most important piece that if you're constantly in conflict with your teen, it is not an issue with your teen. It is an issue with your relationship with your teen. So when we get upset and punish our teen for their part of a broken relationship, what is that telling them to? And we're not taking ownership or accountability for our part of it. And I see this a lot in my practice and teens are like, if my parents can't do anything or change anything and they want me to do all the change. No way. I'm not going to do that. That's crazy. Like they're the ones that need to change because they're mean to me and they say nasty things to me and they don't get me and they don't listen to me and I just have to fight for everything. And they're like, they're, they don't feel heard. And so when we take the time and I think the hardest is when our kids are being ugly to us, this makes it even harder for us to take a step back and try to connect with them because we are so resentful and angry at them. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (31:34.96) It's, know, again, I really want to say to parents as you hear this, we're not blaming you because I look, look at, you know, being a parent is extremely challenging. It is going to bring up our own areas that of wounds and weaknesses that we need to work on. Just a very simple example is one of my daughters was extremely literal. Well, my brain doesn't work that way. When I say I'll be home in five minutes, you better give me plus or minus 10 minutes. But she said, you know, if I came home at six minutes, she said, mom, you said you were going to be home in five minutes ago, you know, in five minutes. And so I'm like, that would drive me nuts. And I'm like, okay, that's about the fit. So we do want to remember that there's no judgment. I'm not right. And she's wrong or she's not wrong. And I'm right. You know, it's, it's not about right and wrong. It's about the fit and you know, my older son, I was a go, go, go. I love being out. I love being on the go. I love doing things. He was a homebody. He didn't want to go all the time. I missed that. did, you know, in truth, the child that's intense and letting you know that they're upset, that's the one that's going to be okay. They know how to express themselves. It's the quiet one that he went along and he was a people pleaser. He took care of me by saying, I'll go, I'll go. But I missed the fit and I missed the fact that he wasn't, he was a teenager who I was pushing and he was an easy going kid and, but, and he was a people pleaser. So he didn't give me a hard time, but my heart breaks because I miss understanding that piece of him. you said children need to be heard and understood. That's the point of my podcast. We need to hear and understand them. And all the examples that I give in the podcast are all about that. That's what we're working on with children. We're working on the fit. And the other thing, when it's up to us to start changing, it was so hard for me to bite my tongue and not say what I wanted to say. So parents, I'm with you. I know how satisfying it is. I love intense emotions. I love yelling. I came from a family where yelling was okay. You know, it was all fun. I married someone who does not, there was no yelling in his family right, from his background and upbringing, there was no yelling. So we had to get used to that, that I had to bite my tongue. I had to hold the horses back and I had to really resist what my urges, my urges were like, I wanna yell at her. And I did a skill in DBT called opposite action. She doesn't deserve to be shamed and you should be better, you should do this. She was highly sensitive and so I worked very, very hard letting her have her moment thinking she's right. I did. I let her think she was right a lot of the time growing up because I knew my truth. It wasn't a power struggle for me to believe myself. It's just I wanted to correct her. And that's where I would get in trouble. And that's where parents are getting in trouble. We think we have to fix our children now. Remember they have a lifetime for figuring out that they're not always right. Dr. Cam (34:57.258) No, and I think the more important thing at this point is not fixing them and making them perfect, which they will never be. It is fixing our relationship with them so that we have, so they have that foundation of trust and respect and safety with us. Even when they go off into the real world, they're still coming home and they still want to be around us. I think that is the most important and we are sacrificing that very important piece that we need to help them thrive by trying to fix them and argue with them and yelling at them and doing things that actually undermine everything that we need to be doing as a parent. And I want to go to when you were saying this is not about blame. I think it's not about blame. think what was important for us as parents to realize is that parenting is a very crucial skill set that has to be learned and it has to be practiced. It's not our fault that no one teaches us this, but if we know that that's out there, it is up to us to go learn how to do it and be the best parent, because we don't want to wing it and just leave our kids while being up to chance. That's scary to me. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (36:09.403) Right, right, exactly, exactly. And you were just talking about something I wanted to go back to. What was that? When our child is, if we don't get them, and it's very hard for a parent who is struggling because their child is not making the changes they want them to make, I often say connect to your child in another way, like, I, there was a period of time when my daughter was pretty depressed and wouldn't listen to the skills, by the way, growing up, whenever I gave her a skill, she would often respond to me that stupid, that doesn't work. Okay. Right. What I, and parents keep, they nag and they keep saying, you have to use the skill, you have to use the skill. What I recommend is imagine that you're planting a seed because seeds take time to germinate. Dr. Cam (36:50.668) Yes, that happens all the time with teenagers. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (37:06.267) And it may take 10 years before you actually see that seed germinate and come up. But I promise you parents, and my daughter called me up at 22 years old from Thailand where she was working at the time and said, mom, you have to tell the parents and the kids those skills really work. So she was the one who was telling me that it was stupid, it was stupid, it was stupid. And I didn't really know it was gonna work because this is the first time I was a parent, right? And I would say the skill and leave it. Your children hear everything you say. So don't keep going. Believe that what you say is getting in there and that it's short and sweet and you have more chances of being successful at that point. And as I said, connect to your child in other ways. So if you can't help them regulate their emotions, connect to them in whatever way you can at the moment. If it's that they like to be wrapped up in a blanket and sit in their room all day. Talk about the blanket. Is this your favorite? What's your favorite blanket? know, like don't and actually be real and share with them real life things. Like, you know, one, you can actually get kids to deescalate not, you know, because you and someone else in the family may be talking about something really important or something really interesting and they stop having, you know, they deescalate in order to hear what you're talking about. So be real and show them that there's life outside of this big emotion. And that not everything has to be focused on their emotions and their behavior, like broaden their perspective and see them in a greater context, because there's a lot happening. Right? They may get really angry because there's injustice in the world. Great. Talk about that. And let them teach you maybe you don't know about what you know. So. Your kids have these, have these sparks and it's our job also to see that because sometimes all we see is what they're not doing and all of that. But if you go back and you remember your three year old who used to take apart all their toys or take apart the vacuum or take apart the, you know, whatever, go back to that. Think about some of the skills and things that you saw when they were little and try to connect to those parts. Dr. Cam (39:29.782) Yeah, love that. So Leslie, what is one big action item you want parents to be able to walk away with from this episode? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (39:42.731) I was going to say planting the seeds, but I already said that. so the idea that you offer your child a skill, an idea, a teachable moment, but then you let it go. So offer it, whatever you have to offer your child, put it out as if it's a buffet and let them choose and let them pick it up and decide when it's right for them to learn that skill, to use that skill, and then try teaching that skill to yourself and modeling it. Dr. Cam (40:18.254) I was gonna say it's even more impactful if they see you doing it rather than telling them to do it and then you don't do it yourself. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (40:23.789) Absolutely. There is so much work that even with my adult children now, they are comfortable enough giving me feedback. And the reason why they're comfortable enough for it, because I had to learn not to be defensive. And parents who get feedback from their kids is, mom, you always tell everybody whatever I tell you. You know, you, I try to tell you something and then you go blab it to your sisters or you go tell everybody else. To hear that is painful. but to be able to say, what's the message, not how are they delivering it. They may not be skillful in delivering it. So my one takeaway is take the feedback and actually allow yourself to be open and willing because then through the rest of their life, they will continue to come and talk to you. And my kids continue to give me feedback. I welcome it. It still has that little sting to it, but it allows us to be so connected. And I think that's what parents want. They want that relationship as their children grow. Remember, teenage years are gonna pass. So what's gonna continue is your relationship with them. so, yeah, try to do that. Try to be open and willing to hear the feedback so that you can model the changes. Dr. Cam (41:45.078) I think the number one thing kids tell me why they get angry at their parents is because their parents don't listen. So that's a, and that's the number one reason parents get mad at their teens, because they're not listening. No one's listening. Yeah, so we got to start. We got to start the action. So Leslie. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (41:57.141) Exactly. Is that no one's listening. Exactly. And validation is the key to listening. It proves that you're listening. So that just takes us back to the beginning where we said validation is so important. Dr. Cam (42:11.618) That's exactly right. It always comes back to that. Always comes back to that. Leslie, thank you so much for joining us. How do people find you? Leslie Cohen-Rubury (42:20.431) So my name is Leslie Cohen-Rubery, R-U-B-U-R-Y, and that's my website that has lots of resources. You can find my socials through my name, Leslie Cohen-Ruberry. And then Is My Child a Monster is either on my website or anywhere where you find podcasts. by all means, I encourage people to listen to get many, many more skills in how to help you understand your child. Bye. Dr. Cam (42:47.95) I will put all the links in the show notes so you guys can find that. Leslie, thank you so much for joining us today. I really appreciate your insight. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (42:50.351) Beautiful. Leslie Cohen-Rubury (42:55.727) Thank you and thanks for what you're doing where these resources are wonderful for parents. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationship with their teens. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior, communication, or emotional regulation, this podcast offers actionable solutions to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #parentingteens #emotionalintelligence #teenmentalhealth #parentingtips

Nov 14, 2024

Tired of constant arguments with your teen? You’re not alone! In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with conflict resolution expert Hesha Abrams to reveal practical techniques for defusing conflict and improving communication with combative teens. Learn how power struggles fuel arguments, why emotional regulation is key, and how a simple “do-over” can repair relationships. If you’re ready to stop the battles and start connecting, this episode is for you! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The surprising role power dynamics play in teen conflicts Techniques to calm heated situations before they escalate Why validation is a game-changer in communication How to redirect destructive behavior before it spirals The power of modeling emotional regulation for your teen 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Parenting is tough—grace and patience go a long way. Conflict is often about power struggles—understanding this can help. Teaching teens to manage big emotions is essential. Modeling good behavior is more powerful than lecturing. Perfection isn’t the goal—building a strong connection is. 🎧 ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating & review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes packed with practical tips for your family! 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Book: Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension by Hesha Abrams EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction to Conflict Resolution with Teens 03:35 Understanding Power Dynamics in Conflict 10:13 Navigating Teen Conflicts 20:54 The Importance of Modeling Behavior 32:52 Redirecting Destructive Behavior CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Hesha Abrams Website: www.holdingthecalm.com Facebook: @HeshaAbramsHoldingTheCalm Instagram: @holdingthecalmbook CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell THE FULL TRANSCRIPT Welcome back parents, Dr. Cam here. And in today's episode, we are diving into the secret to defusing conflict with combative teens with a renowned conflict resolution expert, Haysha Abrams. Haysha is an international acclaimed attorney and mediator known for her success in resolving high profile cases with some of the world's biggest companies, including Google, Amazon, Facebook, and Pepsi. I've heard of a few of those. She's also the author of the popular new book, Holding the Calm, the Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension. Today, Hayshia is going to share some practical, easy -to -use techniques to diffuse tension and resolve conflict, not just for our teens, but with anyone. Welcome, Hayshia. Thank you so much for joining us. Can you just start with your backstory? How did you get start in conflict resolution? Hesha Abrams (00:48) My pleasure. Well, what I want to start with, especially for a podcast like yours, because I do business podcasts all the time. But what I tell people is I'm a lawyer, I'm a mediator. I've done multi -billion dollar disputes at the highest levels of industry. And the hardest job I've ever had, being a parent. Dr. Cam (01:03) Yeah, that is so good to hear. Yes, good to hear. Good and not good. What did we get ourselves into? Hesha Abrams (01:19) It is so, well, you live with a tyrannical roommate who doesn't pay rent, right? So, and part of the problem is we want them to like us. And that is really a very dangerous, dangerous thing. So it becomes a really hard needle to thread. And that's what I want to talk about because I've learned techniques. have, first of all, I have great relationships with all my kids and my in -law kids. So I think that gives me some kudos right there. The techniques I'm going to teach, I use on them. And I have nine grandchildren and I use these on them earlier. I'm smarter now than I was when I was young, because I didn't have a me putting out a book like Holding the Calm. I had a lot of the touchy feely books in my day that don't work. They talk about all this good stuff that should happen and they don't work. So, you know, I'm a lawyer. I do big, hard, difficult cases. What's the difference between somebody saying, I want a hundred million dollars and somebody saying, here's 10 ,000, go drop dead. Right? How do you get that settled versus a teenager going, I hate you. You don't give me anything I want. My friends do this. You make me study. You don't understand me. Or whatever other nonsense happens. It's all the same. Dr. Cam (02:29) It's all emotion, right? It's that big fight or flight emotion place. So, and I have a lot of clients and I talk to people that do because we're teenagers are so emotional and they push our buttons and we get emotional and then we just got this huge blow up and we get stuck in this loop of just really negative interactions and kids can get nasty, they can get mean, they can even get physically violent. And I have parents that are scared of their kids. They don't want to make the problem worse. So they're kind of walking on eggshells around them, not wanting to get them upset, but it keeps getting worse. So we would love to hear from you on how do we start approaching, if we're there. A lot of what I do is preventing us from getting there, but if we're there. And we're in that moment where we're just butting heads and it's starting to get ugly and we don't know what to do. Hey, what do we do? Hesha Abrams (03:35) Yeah, so let's talk about that. because I want everything I do is very practical. I'm not a kumbaya kind of gal. I'm not interested in what should work or is a cool idea or rise above it or all that kind of junk. What actually works when this thing's happened? And I'm sure on your show, you've already talked about amygdala, fight or flight response. So I don't need to go into that again. Okay. So everybody knows that. So I have a theory. I think that all conflict and tension of any kind with anybody at any age or any time has to do with power. Either you're taking it, you're giving it, you're trying to hold onto it, you're trying to take it from somebody else. When power happens, the amygdala gets triggered and that is just a very dangerous thing. But the easy magic bean answer is you give power, but you give it in small little unimportant things because that's what calms the amygdala down. So let's say, and what I want to do is divide up our conversation into dealing with younger children, dealing with teenagers, and dealing with adults. Because techniques work with all of them, but you have to feed it slightly differently on how you do it. Okay? So let's start with the young ones and then we'll work our way up. So with the young ones, you have more power. Up until they're about what? 10 or 11? You know, you can actually physically restrain them if you need to. You have all kinds of privileges you can restrict. You have a lot more power up to about 10 or 11. Part of the problem is parents don't use that power. So if you don't use it when they're young, you have a hard time using it when they're older. It's much harder to break an old dog than to start with a new dog. So there's that old saying that if you don't make them cry when they're young, they'll make you cry when they're older is an absolute, absolute truism. So let's start with the young ones first. You want to teach kids how to handle big feelings. They big feelings. They have big feelings. We're all hungry, tired, cranky, don't get our own way, didn't get enough sleep. Every one of us has that. So one of the parenting life skills you as a parent need to teach your children is how to handle that. Now, part of the problem is we as adults, I wasn't taught that by my parents. Okay, I had to learn this through lots of therapy and lots of work and doing this. Dr. Cam (05:37) Or we're taught, just stop it. Don't do it, not how to work through it. So I think a lot of parents are uncomfortable with that. So I love this. Let's go into how, when we don't know how to do it, how do we help our kids do it? Hesha Abrams (06:04) Exactly. So that's the first thing I do is first thing I say to all parents when I'm talking to them is grace. For God's sakes, this is the hardest job in the world to raise another human being. It is a thankless job. Give yourself grace. Okay. So the issue is not, not making mistakes. The issue is correcting mistakes. You are going to make a million mistakes. How do you correct it? So this is what I have found. Dr. Cam (06:35) Absolutely. Hesha Abrams (06:39) acknowledging your, what a lot of people think is as a parent, I have to be tough and strong and always write, no, that's a completely wrong approach because you're not teaching the kids how to be able to do that. So what you do is you do whatever it is you're going to do. And let's say it's going badly. Something's, you can tell something's going badly. Try it. Part of the thing about holding the calm is why I wrote this book is I've got simple little techniques to catch it earlier. The longer you let it go, It's like spaghetti sauce on the counter. It's wet, you wipe it up with a sponge. Overnight, you're scraping it off with a knife, right? So the earlier you catch stuff, the better it is. So if you can catch stuff early, you, who has the power in that interaction? You do. So stop. You're the older, you're the adult. Stop and say, I'm getting angry. I'm losing control. We're going to take a moment. And that's why I call the book, Holding the Calm. You can say, take a deep breath. You could say, think of grandma. I you can do whatever you want. I find Holding the Calm works because it's such an interesting thing to say to your amygdala. It says to your amygdala, you got some power here. Use it. So you seem to be very upset. I named the emotion. Clearly I don't understand. And I would like to understand. Now notice what just happened in that interaction. I gave them power, but I gave myself more power. Isn't that amazing? Everyone can do this in every single situation. Now what happens with the person on the other end? Their amygdala is going and they can't stop it. They have to go, what just happened? What? What? And now, rather than screaming, yelling, throwing a tantrum, I have to articulate what I'm feeling 80 % of the time they can't do it. But you didn't say you can't do it. They figured it out themselves and then go, and in the end it'll come out with, I'm just mad. I get that. I get that. Help me understand why. Now that's technique one. Technique number two is you say, can we have a do -over? A do -over is the greatest technique in the world with kids because it gives them permission to screw up, lose their temper and apologize and ask for a do -over. The problem is we go, say sorry to your brother or, I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. it's obnoxious. Who wants that? It's awful. It's nothing. It's so much better to say, that didn't come out the way I wanted it to. Can I have a do -over? Now notice I never said the words I apologize. Never. But that's the effect. Can I do it better now? Now I'm calmer. I've held the calm. Dr. Cam (09:09) Yeah, it means nothing. Hesha Abrams (09:29) You have your own techniques. I've got, the book is written about 20 techniques, easy, simple things to use right now. You can pick any of them. It depends on the situation. And I explain all that. That's why I the book a super easy, inexpensive, no paperback. Dr. Cam (09:42) Can you give us like two of your favorite? Hesha Abrams (09:45) sure. Well, let's let me, if you don't mind, let me take you through the trajectory of little kid, older teenager and adult. And then the techniques will weave their way through that. So the one I just gave you, that's the most basic and you people can listen and go, big deal. I know that. Okay. How often do you use it? Right. So this is how you can use it. So you start with that. Okay. Now the other question is you can give power. Dr. Cam (09:51) Perfect. Let's do it. Hesha Abrams (10:13) So I want to switch to, let's say it's a boss or a colleague or a neighbor or your spouse or a more, an older kid, an older teen. You can give power in the easiest ways. What would you like for lunch? What music would you like to listen to? Is the temperature okay? Should I put the air conditioning on a little bit more? What else, you know, where would you like to sit? See how all of those things are just dumb, unimportant little things. They are critical because you're giving away power. So the other person's amygdala can go, okay, maybe I'm not at risk here. Maybe friend or foe, I thought it was foe, maybe it's friend. Now things can start calming down a little bit because you are holding the calm, right? So it's like giving away a power. So now technique number four, how do you do that? Validation is the WD -40 of the universe. Okay? It's unbelievable. But you don't validate, you know, you can be a good validator or a shallow one. Hey, I really like your shirt. Okay. mean, all right. That was all right. That's like a C. I'd rather get an A minus or an A, you know? So how about something where you catch them doing it right? This works any age. You know, you handle that really well. I'm proud of you. Wow, that was a really difficult decision, but you made it anyway. You know, you chose to do the right thing, not the easy thing, but for you. See how subtle all that is? So, and I want to make it even easier for parents. And I've got all of these set in stems in the book. And what people tell me is they memorize them or put them on your phone. Cause I've set in stems. You just can use them. But let's say you don't have any of that and you just need something super easy. I call it the verbs. Dr. Cam (12:00) Nice. Hesha Abrams (12:09) Verbs are great, right? You handled that well. You saw what was wrong. You kept yourself calm. You were looking for solutions. You know, I appreciate you. I admire you. I respect you. Forget the love and like. We all know that stuff. But if someone's really angry at you and you go, I love you, it's almost irritating, right? Dr. Cam (12:37) It is. Yeah. It gets them, it gets them more angry because they're like, if you loved me, then why are you saying this to me? Hesha Abrams (12:44) Correct. And it may have to be, you there are times with my kids that I had to say, look, I want to be your friend, but I'm your parent. That's more important. I'm your mom. That's a more important job. And sometimes it means you're not going to like me, but I love you enough to have you mad at me to help you do the right thing. Now they're still going to be mad at you, but I have kids now that are in their forties that remember me saying that and telling me, mom, I didn't get it, but I so get it now. And that's why I respect you and they're not doing it to their kids. it's building that respect is so critical. Dr. Cam (13:20) And Hesha, I just want to point out too, because I think like when you first started talking, I was like, boy, where's this going? And then it went exactly where I agree with. Like I was hoping it would go, but I think the key thing is when you're saying they might not like you, they might not like you, but nothing that you're saying is about you getting more power or you exerting your anger or you lashing out at them. It is about you staying calm and not buying into it and giving them the space to be angry and figuring it out. So it's not about saying they get to walk all over you. You're still saying stuff, but it's not doing it in a mean, angry, forceful way. Okay. Okay. Hesha Abrams (14:04) Yeah, beautifully said, beautifully said. And the thing I want to remind everybody, there's times as a parent you can't keep calm. You've been fired, you had a fight with your spouse, you got in a car accident, you're cranky, you have your period. mean, whatever it is, you give yourself grace. So that's why I always tell people you're gonna screw up. What do do when the light bulb goes off and you go. I didn't handle that well. This is how you handle it. This is what you do. These four steps that I just gave, now I have got more advanced ones in the books about, let's say it's a real problem, like a big issue. Well, I have a four step thing called Vox and a system that you work through to actually figure out answers. But what it does is it's very empowering to somebody else. And when you have a teenager, I did little kids already, when you have a teenager, they think they're an adult, but they're The human brain doesn't really develop in women until like 21 or 22 and men 25 or 28, right? So you can't tell them that. What good does that do? So let me tell you a little trick that I use even now and it works so great. They're adamant. I don't care if you've got an eight -year -old or a 28 -year -old and they're adamant about what they want or how they have to do it. And you just know it's wrong, right? So you can listen. So you listen. And then you validate how they're thinking about it and they're trying to think through all the things. And then I say, I have a question for you. May I ask you who says no to that? Now they say, yes, their ears open. If you want someone to hear something, ask them. If you may say it to them, 95 % of the time, they're going to say, yes, now you've opened their ears. If you just say it, just watch this right over them. Now I'm listening and I'll say, you know, you're 28. Do you think you're smarter than you were when you were 18? Yeah. Do think you might be smarter at 35? Huh. That's it. I have an eight year old. Are you smarter than when you were six? Huh. Do think you might be smarter at nine or 10? Huh. Now, if they have a sibling, that's even a better way to do it because if they're nine and the sibling's six, Dr. Cam (16:12) I like it. Hesha Abrams (16:27) Well, of course I'm smarter than a six -year -old, right? That's so easy to do. It's a better, rather than saying you're young, you haven't learned everything, you need to know, who listens to that garbage? But you do it yourself on their own. Go to learn here. Maybe my mother or father isn't as stupid as I thought they were, you know. There's a funny line from Mark Twain that he says he thought when he was a teenager he thought his father was an idiot and by the time he was an adult he was amazed how much his father had grown. Dr. Cam (17:00) Yeah, exactly. How much you learned in that amount of time. And I think the point is we might have to wait that long for them to really get it, but I think trying to convince them doesn't work. Hesha Abrams (17:15) They don't really honestly, honestly get it until they start having kids of their own, but they get it in their own way. And then when they start having kids of their own, that's when they come back and go, my God, but I'll tell you a little secret everybody, it doesn't matter. Because by that point you've let go, you've forgiven, you've moved on. So by the time they get it, you're like, yeah, okay, welcome to the club. It doesn't matter. It's about surviving in the moment and having an intact, healthy, respectful relationship with your children. And it's having a boundary, having a decent boundary. so actually, can I give another example? It just happened this weekend that a friend told me. Dr. Cam (18:02) You can, and then I have a few questions of certain situations I'd love to run by you. No, I want to hear your story. Hesha Abrams (18:05) Well, you go first then, you go first. Okay, so I was at a wedding this weekend and a girlfriend of mine is the stepmother and she was out with the mother of the bride and the sister of the bride and her and they were all getting their nails done. And so they were commenting about I had flown up to support her and how wonderful that her friends had done that. And the 29 year old spoke up and said, well, mom, that wouldn't work for you. You don't have any friends excuse me? Excuse me? That's because that was a mother who wanted to be liked. So she wanted to be friends with her daughter. Well, that's what she got. She got that kind of, you're okay with that. Okay. I'm not okay with that. I would never be treated that way. My kids would be scared to say something like that to me, but that's how I, that's what I want it. Now, if you want to be friends with your kids, you're going to get friend behavior as opposed to respect and parent behavior. Now that doesn't mean you have to be an autocrat, obnoxious, not friendly with them. Of course not. Why is it either end? You should be able to do both, right? But that's, it just came up this weekend and I went, you know, and the problem is, can she correct it now? Yes. It'll be a harder spaghetti sauce to wipe off. Yes. But it can be done. It can. It's just a whole lot harder. So if everyone listening to this podcast, do it now. Whatever stage you're at and whatever you got, do these Holdin' the Comm techniques, do it now and you will have a better trajectory. I promise you, this is magic bean stuff. Dr. Cam (19:48) It is, and I think it's really difficult because when we get in that, have such this, it's kind of ingrained in us that when there's a power struggle, you get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. Instead of, I feel like what you're saying is that calm, and I kind of call it like being at the bottom of the ladder is where the power is, right? Instead of this escalation. But it feels to a lot of people that you're letting them take power over you and walk all over you. So how would you address people that feel like that is showing a weakness? Hesha Abrams (20:25) Yep, good. That's a very, very good question. So again, if I have a fork, I can eat with it, I can comb my hair with it, or I can stab you with it. Right? It's all a technique. So if you're feeling that, then you're a person that is not, has not been able yet to hold onto your own power. So if you can't do it verbally, let's say you're not, let's say you're an introvert and you're not a big verbal person and your kid's a big verbal person. That's hard. You are not going to out -argue somebody who is a better arguer than you. You're just not gonna do it. So play a different game. Say we're not playing football, we're playing golf. I'm gonna change the size of the ball or tennis. I'm gonna change the size of the ball. So what the best technique you've got is silence. You've got body language. So let's say, just use an example, you're railing at me. I can't out -talk you. I don't have the energy. What if I'm sick? What if I'm tired? What if I'm just an introvert? What if I just can't put up with your anymore, right? And you're railing at me. So I can't do it that way. So what do you do? You withdraw from the situation. I named the emotion. You seem very upset. I'm not upset, I'm angry. Okay? You seem like you're very angry. I do it. Your sympathetic nervous system is going to have a need to copy mine. I don't say to you take a deep breath. I just go I'd like to try to work this through. I admire how passionate you are think we could use a do -over to maybe handle this better, don't you think? Because I'm not sure it's coming out the way either one of us want. Now, who has the power in that situation? OK? So what happens is if I'm not 300 pounds of muscle, I'm not playing football. I'm not going to do it. Why would I do that? I'm better at golf or tennis or soccer or ping pong. I have the power. I'm going to change the game. And you know the proof, parents, that you have the power? They're arguing with you. If you didn't have the power, they would take the car keys and go! Dr. Cam (22:54) Exactly. I love that too because arguing is actually in this weird way a sign of respect because they need to convince you. Otherwise they wouldn't even try. So I think that is so important to know that if they are having this conversation, they're not disrespecting you. They're actually respecting you, but in an emotionally, in a way that's not emotionally regulated. Hesha Abrams (23:02) Correct. mean, they're doing it, you know, I know we use emotional regulation and all that, and I think it's great word. I tend to look at it as a skillset. They have a poor skillset. Then I have to say as a parent, do I have a poor skillset? Am I modeling good skillset behavior? That's the honest ownership you have to do privately as a parent. And that's why, again, I wrote this little book. I I do these techniques with big executives. I do big stuff. Dr. Cam (23:24) It is. Yes. Hesha Abrams (23:47) Why can't regular people have access to it? So, and I did the book, you know, 20 chapters, 20 techniques. They don't have to be done in order. You just move them around and you try one and go, that actually works. So you improve your skillset. Then you model it for them and everything's going to get better. It's, it's really, it's really magic and it doesn't take long. That's the thing. You don't have to take some PhD course or take some study or get certified or read some big fat book. No, it's a simple little something. You do this today. You know, it's really one of the things when I was young and as a mediator and I was wanting to get better at hard things, I was at a Walmart returning something and my God, the level of conflict and difficulty was off the charts. And I stayed there for two hours just watching, just watching and listening. How would I have handled that? How could I have diffused that? How could I have moved it along? I learned so much because I saw so many different kinds of people and I saw the interaction. Well, I wouldn't have handled it that way. I would handle it this way. And I did that when I was young, you cause I'm a mediator. I get all these people coming into a room with me. I don't have time to say, please, let me analyze you and know who you are. You you got to do stuff fast. People will tell you who they are very quickly, you know? And if you're lactose intolerant, Why am I shoving ice cream at you? You're gluten free. Why am I shoving pizza at you? I'm going to say, I got you a cauliflower crust. And people go, whoa, that was so thoughtful of you. mean, you can change the entire tone. Let's say you've been having a lot of conflict with your teenager for a month, just a lot. Make them their favorite dinner that night. Or buy them their favorite cake and say, you know what? We've been having a lot of conflict. And I have to tell you, You couldn't pay me to be a teenager again. It is so hard. Hormones are busting through your body. High school is terrible. Boys and girls and where do I fit in and what do I, it's, you know what? You just need a break. And I just want to give you a break. And then you make them the favorite dinner or the favorite dessert or something. You don't think you did a 180 on them? They're going to go, whoa, whoa. And that's like giving away power or enabling. It's seeing their struggle, which makes you an ally in the struggle. And that's the question for all parents. Would anybody raise your hands, go back and be a teenager? I mean, seriously. I wouldn't. So we have to have compassion on these people. We have to just, you know, there's a Jewish word called Rachmanis. And it's such a good word because it comes from the word Recha, which means womb. So when you have compassion, it comes from your womb. That's where it comes from, this deep. It's not about being right or wrong or good or bad. It's Rachmanis. It's compassion. Dr. Cam (26:40) I always say we want to be sitting on the same side of the bench, not opposing each other, right? Like we're helping them along. And I think it's so hard for parents to not take it personally. Cause like you said, we want our kids to like us. We want them to respect us. And if we feel like they don't, we get hurt, we get angry, we respond out of that emotion and we make it about us. And the second we make it about us, we are not making it about them which is why they're acting out. Hesha Abrams (27:22) That's exactly well done. So let me give you a suggestion when that happens, parents, and a kid says something and you're pissed. So you can't use, you you're not holding the column just yet. You know what you can say? Excuse me? Dr. Cam (27:33) Yes, exactly. Hesha Abrams (27:39) And that's it, because there's nothing to fight. There's no target. They have to stop for a minute. Like, what just happened? What just happened here? So for you that are introverted, you're tired, you're cranky, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to say it. Excuse me? That just gives you a pause into which now you can do something else. These are just great, you know, because you can say all day long, be calm, stand still, take a deep breath. Dr. Cam (28:09) It just makes them more angry. As it would us. If our team told us and our teens do tell us you need to calm down, ooh, no, right? They react the same way. So it's, we got to think about that. H, I want to ask you, cause this, I've seen this situation and I know people listening specifically have this situation where their teen gets pretty aggressive and they're bigger than them now and they kind of come in their face and get at them. Hesha Abrams (28:17) It just, it's terrible. As you all see. Dr. Cam (28:44) and they try to walk away and they just follow them, right? And they just follow and yell and the more they try to stay quiet and disappear, the more their teen kind of jumps on them. How do they handle that situation? Hesha Abrams (28:47) Right. So that one's tough. I, you know, I would say not in every situation, but in most situations you let the spaghetti sauce get dry. Okay. So now you've got a problem. You've got a bigger kid who's more aggressive and you walking away gives them power. So can't do that. Okay. So what I would do is, cause you have to get this re -changed because at 16, it's bad at 24, it's even worse. Okay. So at some point you just have to do it. So what I would do is change, again, I keep talking about change the football to a tennis ball, from a big ball to a small ball. Let's say they're following you, sit down, go sit in a chair. Okay, now they can lean over you with the chair, but you can do this in the chair, right? You can say, I can't hear you when you're yelling at me. Dr. Cam (29:46) Yeah, do you know in a way?. Hesha Abrams (29:55) If they're talking so much, it's only output that's happening. You need input to be able to happen, right? I can't hear you when you're yelling at me and let them keep yelling and you stop talking, but you just sit there and go, I can't hear you when you're yelling at me. Now what I've had families do, I've had church groups do, HOAs do, businesses do is they all buy the book and they have a little book clue. And then, but then you have the same lexicon. So you can say we're holding the con together or this is your magic beans, or whatever the words are, or I'm gonna give you a wowed, a way out with dignity. Very often, people need to have a wowed. People, they've screwed up, they've screwed up bad, but they need a wowed, a way out with dignity. So you can sometimes say you need a wowed. They go, what? You know, and say, you know what? I know this is not at your best, and I know you're having trouble doing it. Okay, let me give you another technique. I call it, I literally invented this with my grandchildren, because I was too, I didn't know this when I was a young parent. So when my kid was angry or the grandchild was angry, they were so angry, they can't get out of it. You can't use any words. So I taught them to dinosaur it out. If you take your hand and see your fingernails right here, dig your fingernails hard into the fatty part. You pinch it. Give yourself a little pinch like it hurts a little bit. What it does is it interrupts the synapses on the sympathetic nervous system. Anger, anger, anger, woo, rallying around like that. You do this and now, ow, there's something here. It's a reason why people would smack you across the face, which obviously we're not gonna do, or wear a rubber band and they'd snap the rubber band. If you've got a kid that has an anger problem, teach them the technique and put a rubber band on their hand so they can do it to themselves when you feel out of control. They know they're out of control. They don't like it any more than you like it, but they don't know what to do. So you're helping them snap that rubber band a couple of times. And what it does is it, it's the equivalent of smacking someone across the face to where you go, whoa, what just happened? teach this. I mean, I use it and I've taught this to adults too. So, cause adults, you know, we have times where it just for whatever reason, you know, the sympathetic nervous system is totally engaged and you can't change it. So I'm not gonna smack you across the face, but I may say, hey, I won't say you dinosaur it out. I'm gonna say, hey, let's dinosaur it out. And I'll do this. And then sometimes I'll go, dinosaur it out. Come on, do it with me. Dinosaur it out. And you do that instead of saying, you're mad, you're angry. You need to calm down. What's wrong with you? How is that helpful? But if I can see that you're doing that, I'm gonna go, ooh, the dinosaur is out baby, it's dinosaur down. Think about how does the other person react when you do that? They're gonna go, and then it's fun. Now they're gonna go in, then you get to do the, okay, can we do a do over? I really respect how you did that. You did a very good dinosauring it out. Cause my big emotions are awful. They come over you like a hurricane. Hesha Abrams (33:20) And you handled that so well. All I had to do was suggest dinosaur -ing it out to you. And you did it. God, I'm proud of you. Well done. That messaging. Dr. Cam (33:30) And then you're focusing on the positive of it and not belaboring the issue of it. And that's again, going into that solution. And everything that you're saying is focused on what we do rather than what we're making our teens do or the child or the person that's upset. Our job is not to change them because we can't. Our job is to show up differently. And when we show up differently, Hesha Abrams (33:37) Correct. Dr. Cam (34:01) It changes because those mirror neurons or just we're not adding anymore to the anger and to the emotion. So it's really all about how do we show up and there's, again, you said there's so much power in not losing it. Hesha Abrams (34:16) so much. And when you do, because I want to make sure you're going to lose it, catch yourself. And then you can say, I'm going to dinosaur this out because I'm feeling so angry right now. I can't really think I'm going to dinosaur it out. Your kids going to look at you like, what the heck? But what are you doing? You're modeling skillset development. You're modeling good behavior. So what happens when they're mad at a teacher or on the football field or with a friend? Are they going to blow up at them? Are they going to get arrested because they threw a punch? or have you taught them how to handle big emotions? How about, God, when I was young, a young mother, I read this story of a high school football quarterback who was wealthy, blessed, good looking, good at school, like he just had everything. And he was dating, of course, you know, the head cheerleader and she dumped him. And he went home, took his dad's gun, put it in his mouth and killed himself. And I remember reading that and thinking, this is a kid who never was taught how to handle big emotions, how to handle disappointment. So when disappointment happened, it was cataclysmic. It was earth shattering. There was no solution or no way out. So as a parent, you need to be able to teach your children, crap's going to happen, bad crap. And you're going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on. It's not the end of the world. You teach them how to handle extreme disappointment, extreme sadness, extreme anger. You have to teach them how to do that, otherwise they can't be adults. They won't know how to do it. And if no one taught you, give yourself grace and you teach you now. No one taught me these things. I had to teach myself, but now they're mine. And do you know how powerful I feel? Because they're mine. And then when I share them and teach them, the other person feels Hesha Abrams (36:16) the authenticity, the honesty, the power and says, ooh, I want some of that too. Great, great. Dr. Cam (36:25) Hesha, I want to point out to what you're saying because I think this is so critical for parents to grasp. We are not trying to stop them from feeling anger. We are not trying to stop them from even deep sadness. Those are things I think we have this knee -jerk reaction to want to make them feel better and make them want to stop that emotion because it makes us uncomfortable. And what you're saying is, if we don't, If we force them to stop it and then they can't, they don't know how to handle it. So this is about giving them the space to be angry, even at us. And that's okay. We just, we keep our space so that their anger is not making us angry. We're not taking it personally. We're going there experiencing anger. It doesn't mean that they're hurting us. And I think... Hesha Abrams (37:00) I love it when you said that. And you know, I they have so many techniques about that that are not, you know, new, like scream into a pillow, you know, punch into something like that. There are times where something is so angry. I may say to the kid, you know what, let's scream into a pillow and go and we pick up a pillow and just scream into it and do it with them as opposed to you're the little weirdo. You need to scream into a pillow. No, let's do it together. And you know what? Within 30 seconds, they're laughing. They're laughing. That's what's so amazing about this. They're laughing. Dr. Cam (37:52) Okay, I have another specific question I want to ask you as you're saying that because I have several clients too whose kids, when they get upset, will literally kick the walls, kick the door in, create holes in the walls. How do we redirect that? We're not going to make them stop feeling angry, but how do we help redirect that so they're not destructive? Hesha Abrams (38:15) Well, again, I'm gonna say as parents, you gotta own that you didn't wipe up the spaghetti sauce when it was wet. Otherwise you're never gonna fix it. You're just gonna go, it's the way they are, whatever. No, there's some ownership to that. You didn't know, I didn't know. No one teaches this stuff. That's why you are doing your podcast. That's why I wrote my book. No one teaches this stuff. So we're trying to get it out there. So if it's already happened, a problem's already happened. So now you have to be corrective. So your job is to see the trajectory. It doesn't go from, I'm going to kick the wall instantly. I guarantee you. And here, the proof of it, why do I call my book, Holding the Calm, The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension? So here, long title. Why would they make such a long title on this? Because all conflict, 100 % of it, starts with tension. And the tension can be this. Dr. Cam (38:57) There you go. Love it. Hesha Abrams (39:09) Or it can be this, it can be mm. It can be all of that, right? So you have to start being attuned to your kid. What are the warning signals? Wipe that spaghetti sauce up when it's wet. Get into it right away and say, ooh, ooh, you're looking like you're getting angry. It's pillow time, let's go. And start screaming into the pillow. Or sometimes jumping jacks, let's go. Pushups, let's go. You know, something that is physical, that is the snap that is the dinosaur in it out, screaming into a pillow, jumping up and down. You're teaching them that when the feelings happen, because you're a human being, this is how we handle it. When they're kicking or destructive, it's just because they don't know any better. Because the feeling is a tsunami, it's a hurricane, it's a tornado. And they just, can't get the energy out of themselves. So you have to, I guarantee you there were 10 steps before that. I guarantee you. And what happens is you're not noticing it or you're not reacting to it, catch it early, then what are you also teaching them? How they should do it. Let's say there's a parent in the household that punches a wall when he's angry. I mean, you know, so, and a spouse is a lot harder to train, but when you see the kid doing it and you train the kid, it's a conversation for the spouse also, because nobody wants to be a raging lunatic. Nobody. I don't care if you're a kid or an adult, you've just lost control. And if you say to someone, gain control, Get calm, breathe. If I could, I would. So help me, right? So help. That's all it is. you know what's best for your kids. know, sometimes, you know, if it's a little kid, let's make funny faces. No one make funny faces. And then they start laughing. It's anything designed to interrupt that sympathetic nervous system so that they can get a break. And then sometimes it may be, okay. Okay, there's a big issue here. We need to talk about that. And God, am I proud of you for riding that dragon. Well, that was a bunking brocco. It was rolling you all over the place and you rode it. Good for you. Then you get into what was it? And often it was not whatever it's presented to be. It's some something else, whatever, whatever, whatever. That's how you clean it up. You know, so. Dr. Cam (41:32) I think that point is really key too, because we often look at exactly what just happened as the problem and often, and again, it's a sign that they feel safe around us when they're able to show that ugly emotion in front of us, because they hold it in all day where they're not safe, and then they come. So it's this really awkward compliment that we get all the ugly emotion but when we teach them how to make it through it, then we're really using that opportunity. love it. So, Keisha, what is one we've, my gosh, there's so much great stuff we just covered. what is like kind of one big takeaway you want to make sure parents walk away with from this? Hesha Abrams (42:17) Give yourself grace, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. News alert, you're not perfect. You're not supposed to be perfect. It's impossible to be perfect, but you can keep trying to get better. And best is the enemy of better. That's what I tell people. Just get better. That's all. And you're gonna teach them how to get better. And then in the end, it's gonna be good. It's gonna be good. I bless everybody. It's gonna be good. That's why I wrote this little, and you know what? I had people wanting me to make it a workbook and more expensive and a fancy thing. I said, no. I wanted a little cheap $15 paperback that can be read in two hours. Quick, little, simple, so that you can do something right now. That's Dr. Cam (42:47) There we go.Thank you so much for jumping on. know there's, I'm sending this to a lot of people already I can think of that are really going to take, get some good, good insights from this. So thank you for that. Hesha Abrams (43:14) My pleasure, everybody. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Nov 12, 2024

Parenting teens is exhausting, overwhelming, and—let’s be honest—frustrating. But what if the key to handling it all isn’t about controlling their behavior? In this episode, Dr. Cam and Heather Chauvin dive into the power of self-care, emotional intelligence, and shifting your parenting mindset. Learn why focusing on your own growth and well-being can actually make you a more effective parent—and create a healthier, more connected relationship with your teen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why parenting teens feels so overwhelming—and how to manage it The surprising link between self-care and parenting success How to stop perfectionism from sabotaging your parenting The game-changing shift from control to curiosity Simple strategies to strengthen your connection with your teen 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Parenting teens can be emotionally exhausting—taking care of yourself helps you show up better. You are more than just a parent—self-identity matters. Perfectionism is a coping strategy—not a personality trait. Let it go! Curiosity is key—observing instead of controlling leads to better communication. Self-respect influences how your teen treats you—it all starts with you. 🎧 ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes packed with practical tips just for you! Thanks for your support! 🙌 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE 📖 Book: Dying to Be a Good Mother by Heather Chauvin EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating the Challenges of Parenting Teens 02:58 Heather Chauvin’s Journey to Empowerment 06:11 The Importance of Self-Identity in Parenting 08:56 Managing Overwhelm and Perfectionism 11:58 The Role of Self-Care in Parenting 15:03 Shifting Focus: From Control to Curiosity 17:55 Energetic Time Management for Parents 20:53 Creating a Healthy Parent-Child Dynamic 24:01 Embracing Emotional Intelligence in Parenting 26:59 The Power of Self-Respect and Connection CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Heather Chauvin Website: HeatherChauvin.com Instagram: @HeatherChauvin_ YouTube: Heather Chauvin Podcast: The Mom Is In Control Podcast CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Parents, let's face it, parenting teens can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. We're constantly juggling their mood challenges and the pressure of guiding them through some of the most difficult years of their lives and ours. The weight of always trying to say the right thing, keep the peace, and manage our own stress can lead of us feeling drained and overwhelmed. So how do we support our teens without burning out? That's why I've invited Heather Chauvin to join us today. Heather is a leadership coach who helps successful women break free from the overwhelm and live, work, and parent with courage and authenticity. She's been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur, and Real Simple Magazine. And she's here today to share strategies to help us lighten the emotional load, manage stress, and stay grounded so we can show up for our teens without losing ourselves in the process. Heather, welcome. Heather Chauvin (00:56) I'm so excited for this conversation. Thank you. Dr. Cam (01:00) Me too. So let's just start with your backstory. I love doing that. How did you get into leader leading women and getting into that? Heather Chauvin (01:08) Well, it's actually funny and not so funny because teens, I have three boys, they're 19. Next month will be 15 and 12. And I'm incredibly passionate about raising this specific generation of teens because, or this age group. Because I was a teenager when I actually became a mother. I was 18 years old and that was my first cracking into personal development in my first moment as a mother, as a human, and as a small child or a young adult coming into the world, just with hitting that primal fear of not wanting to feel like I'm failing as a mother. And I remember looking at my son thinking, I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want us to become a statistic. And I need to do whatever I can in my power to become the adults that I most desire you to be. And the pendulum kind of swung where I was this overwhelmed, anxious teenager who wasn't behavioral. I didn't act out. I kind of retreated. And because I kind of swung the pendulum, of course, my nervous system was not regulated. And I started to become the overachiever. And I went and got a social work degree. I did all the things, I was checking the boxes. I was looking outside of myself for validation of like, am I good? Am I good? Is this what a good mother does? Is this what a good woman does? And internally, I felt like I was dying. Like I could just feel the burnout. I could feel the burnout and exhaustion, but I was like, this is not sustainable. And I knew that at a young age. And I had the whereabouts with me to ask for help, as we should. I went to therapy. I went to the doctors and I started doing the traditional things and the feedback I was getting was like, like we were talking about the problem, but I wasn't getting like solutions to fix the problem or like I say fix, but like tools to implement and a strategy to physically like head in the right direction. I felt completely lost and like I was begging people to help me and the feedback was kind of like, this is adulthood, suck it up buttercup, you know, this is motherhood and But a part of me just wouldn't accept that. Fast forward, after leaving my corporate job as a social worker, I decided to really be the change I wanted to be in the world or make the change. And I started my podcast, started my business. And then I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer. My body was bleeding like please take care of yourself. I didn't understand the signs and symptoms and all the things. And that was, had nine years of personal development under my belt. I also had nine years of conscious parenting research and starting to help people see and understand their children's behavior. And it was, it was that moment where I was like, ladies, because I was primarily talking to women, like we need to stop just solely focused on the child and the child's behavior because we are part of the equation because at the moment I would hear feedback from my clients, cause I was a coach and they would say things to me like, I don't have time to implement this. My marriage is falling apart. My career is falling apart. I'm chronically overwhelmed. I'm feeling depleted. And I was like, okay, but we're focused over here. And then I was like, we need to look at both sides of the coin, both sides of the equation. And that was over a decade ago. Since then still helping women with the exact same issue, but at a different level and really supporting them to feel whole and fulfilled and alive and energized both at home and in their work. Dr. Cam (05:11) I think a lot of people are going to be relating to this because that sense of overwhelm and needing to be perfect in every aspect of our lives. And women have so many different parts of their lives that they feel the need to be perfect in. And I think when it comes to parenting, especially with parenting teens, and all of a sudden we have the teen dynamics to deal with, a lot of us do feel like we're completely failing. And I see parents that will push that aside and just focus on what they're good at, right? So they just kind of blame the teen, go, that's the problem and I'm gonna focus here. Or they're so focused on trying to fix it and not being able to that they just start crumbling a little bit. So how do we get to a place, first of all, where we get into a good head space about who we are as a parent and what that looks like to be successful as a parent? Heather Chauvin (06:11) Yeah, I think we need to stop labeling ourselves as mother or parent and start labeling ourselves as a human being because when we're putting them, we're over identifying with our labels and our roles and we're under identifying with who we are as a person and that we actually have basic human needs that are not being met to be seen, heard, love, understood. mean, freaking hydrated sunlight, like meals.Like the basics are not being met. And so I can identify with this in my own journey of like, who am I without being a mother? But the second your child turns a teen or you're starting to notice those hormonal changes, I mean, we had quite the time during COVID, like raising my oldest teenager, and it can be a shock to your system and you're gaining momentum, right? And you're like, what am I doing wrong? And I think we have to stop making it about us and start being curious and observant as to what is actually going on in front of us. We take things so personal because we care so much. And I don't think we can argue with any parent that you don't love your children, right? Sometimes we have to learn how to manage that love because if we're not managing it or having boundaries with it, we're actually over -nurturing and over -compensating. And so whether it's overwhelm or perfectionism, so I always tell people like, write this down. Perfectionism is a coping strategy. It's not a personality trait. You don't say I'm a perfectionist. It's like you cope with perfectionism And when you can see you cope with perfectionism, you can see that as the blanket, as the mask. And then you begin to become curious as to why you do what you do. And again, overwhelm is a symptom. So if you are overwhelmed, that's a symptom. That's not a way of being. It's not a lifestyle. We do not need to accept feeling a certain way just because it's normal. And so cancer taught me that, but even way before that, I had this thought as to like, why do I need to feel like crap just because I'm a mother? Why do, and the reality is like going from the journey of, I mean, my son's almost 20 now, realizing that. What actually saved me and helped my son going through the most difficult time and transition in his life was the fact that I had the mental, emotional and physical and spiritual capacity to hold him in his most vulnerable transition from childhood to adulthood. And that is, I just remember thinking again and again, damn, if I didn't do this work before I would be experiencing way more overwhelm in my life going through this transition and that saved me. But it is that belief that taking care of our needs takes away from other people. It's kryptonite to success in parenting. Dr. Cam (09:40) I think there's almost this badge of honor people wear when they are so overwhelmed and busy. Like we say it as though it's like a brag, like, my gosh, I've got so much, when we're just haggard and exhausted. So I think first of all, that's almost like if we have it together, it's like, well, why aren't you doing enough kind of thing? Like you're saying no to stuff, who do you think you are? So I think there's this misconception of what it means to be a successful and involved parent and what that looks like. So the first thing is really separating that out. So in your mind, what does it look like to be a healthy, successful parent when it's not overwhelmed in doing everything? Heather Chauvin (10:39) So, okay, so number one, you said something that when we're complaining or we're wearing busy as a badge of honor or we're trying to connect, it's the first thing that happens when you go to a kid's sporting event or you're hanging out, like in mom groups. I'm using mom in general, it can be parents in general. But you see this look in their eyes and their eyes get a little bit bigger and they're like, are you suffering like me? Are you struggling like me? Because as human beings, we desire connection and belonging. And sometimes we're over identifying our suffering and our challenges with each other. It's like a little trauma bond, right? Like, are you struggling like me too? I just want to make sure that, you know, we're all in this together. And I'm always like, yes, and I want to have the opposite conversation. So. I want to tell a quick story. So when I was diagnosed with cancer and I tell people that was like a bump in the road for me, but that's not who I am and it's not my whole story. So maybe you haven't had a health diagnosis, but maybe there's something else in your life that has kept you up at night. And it could be your child's behavior, your team's behavior, your team's future failure to launch or something, their mental health, their emotional wellbeing. So I want you to consider this. So I remember coming home one night from the hospital. I was in transition from like, was in a recovery state and I woke up in the middle of the night, two, three o 'clock in the morning. I need to quickly have your panic attacks, your body's like, and I was in the bathroom and I remember feeling like number one, I cannot burden anybody with my feelings. I need to keep this in and I need to keep it quiet. And I went in the bathroom and I was crying because I was having a panic attack. And the story I was telling myself in my mind is I'm going to die. My body was in a state of fight or flight. And I'm like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. At that point, I had enough coaching under my belt and self -awareness that I could get myself out of the state of fear and into the present moment. And I was like, I'm going to die. going to die. I'm going to die. I'm like, Heather, you are still alive. You are still alive. Come back to this present moment. And then I asked myself this question. How do you want to feel? If you know you don't want to feel chronically overwhelmed, chronically fatigued, angry, frustrated, resentful, exhausted, and for me, dead inside and in a state of fight or flight, how do I want to feel? And in that moment, I didn't technically know how I wanted to feel, but I knew how I didn't want to feel. And I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to feel like I was dying. So the opposite of that was living. I wanted to feel alive. So I repeated in my mind, I wanna feel alive, I wanna feel alive, I wanna feel alive. And then Dr. Cam, I got scared and fear came over me again because I had no evidence of how to feel alive. And I realized in the moment that I wasn't It wasn't that I didn't have time to implement. It wasn't that I didn't have the tools. It was that I wasn't giving myself permission to go to that next level in how I wanted to feel and kind of open that door of uncertainty and the unknown. But because of my situation, I had no other way. I was like, Heather, if you do not figure out how to feel alive and energized, the literally your deepest fear will come true. And it still may come true, but that's the uncertainty of life. So the only way out is through. only way is up. The only way is going after who you wanna be and how you wanna feel. And so the next day I asked myself, how do I wanna feel? How do I wanna feel? How do I wanna feel? And I started taking action in that direction. What would an alive person do? The reason why this story is so important is because I am the foundation of my children's wellbeing. And I am not responsible for my children's behavior in the sense of like, I cannot control their behavior, but I can influence it. And there is a connectedness. So I can be the role model and I can be the guide and I can show them what's possible for them and become the type of person that I most desire my child to be, but I cannot do the work for them. And so when my teen was struggling, could see, I could see the fear. I could see the paralyzed uncertainty of like, I need to make a decision on my future. And there's so much unknown cause this is so new to me and I'm afraid. And I could empathize with that because I knew what it looked like and felt like to sit in my fear and yet take action in the direction of what my soul craved. Take action in the direction of how I wanted to feel. So I could see an older version of myself and I'm like, I have a tool and I know how I did that. So I'm gonna be your and guide you in that direction. But you have to choose if you want to take that action or not. And there were many, many times where I had to do that again and again and again, whether it was in the educational system or whether it was with having uncomfortable conversations with my husband or my son or his support team, where I had to say, I feel like I'm backed into a corner. Who do I want to be? How do I want to feel and how can I take a stand for this child regardless of his future? Dr. Cam (17:03) Wow, that's a lot. And that's a complete shift because now your focus is on your response and you and what you're doing and not how do I make my child do this? How do I make my child change that? How do I make other people do what I need them to do to feel okay? It's what do I need to do to feel okay? Heather Chauvin (17:28) Just this conversation makes me think, so I am a, and I'm sure we all know what that's like. If you're raising a fierce, independent, rebellious child, I don't know about you, but as an adult, when people are trying to control me, I feel I'm like so turned off and I actually push that person away. So if I have a new friend in my life, And they're like texting me every day and I'm like, don't have the capacity for this. Like I'll text you. I'm the person that like, you're like 911, I need you. But if it's not a real 911, this is not going to be it. So I know the more I try to control my children, the more they're going to push me away. And so I've learned to read emotional behavior and call myself out too, that if I say I need to fix him, because I still do this, I need to fix him. I'm like, what is this triggering inside of me? Okay, it's triggering fear. Okay, why am I afraid? Well, if he doesn't change, he's gonna become a drug addict and he's gonna do this and he's gonna live in my basement forever and he's gonna, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come back to the present moment. If I'm trying to control somebody else outside of me, that means there's something inside of me that I feel out of control. And then so I go inward and I go, first of all, number one, what do I need to control within me? That's my work to do. But I'm also gonna be mindful that this behavior is like a red flag to me and I am concerned. So I'm not gonna avoid it. And this is what I don't appreciate about the parenting space right now is that they've swung where it's like, it's all about you, manage yourself, manage yourself. And I'm like, yes, and we still need to look at our children's behavior and be like, they are talking to us. So if there is a behavior that is concerning to you, pay attention to it, but control yourself at the same time and then say, hey, let's have a conversation about this. How can I help you? How can I advocate? But come from a different energy and not a controlling energy, but more of a curious energy of a co -creation. Dr. Cam (19:23) I'm 100 % with the curious. I think that is the most important thing is understanding the why and you're absolutely right. It's not a, okay, they're going to go do their thing. I'm going to go do my thing. there's, we are still responsible for guiding them and for modeling for them. And so when we're, let's say we're talking to parents right now that are listening and they're in that mode of just, they're so overwhelmed right now. They're just like, I don't even know where to begin my teen isn't studying and doing their homework and I've got the school calling me and I have another one that just won't even go to school and I have another one that, and I just, I don't know where to start. Like you're saying that I need to focus on me, but I don't have time because there's too much other stuff that I need to deal with. What is the first thing that I can do right now to start shifting into this place where I'm more focused on taking care of how I'm showing up when I don't feel like I even have the ability to do that right now. Heather Chauvin (20:53) Okay, so number one, this is my favorite thing to teach people. It's called energetic time management. Pen and paper. So you're gonna have to listen to this again and again, but this is, love giving actionable steps. Number one, brain dump it all. Pen and paper, just let it out. When you're like, I'm frozen, I don't know what to do, I'm so overwhelmed, I have all this energy coming at me just dump it out. Like I like to categorize things. So I'll be like, the school is calling for this kid. I would put kids in buckets and then all the things I had to do. Then ask yourself how, so the brain dump is just to get it out. Every time I tell people this, they're like, I feel lighter already. I'm like, just get it out. Sometimes you don't even need to do anything with it. It's like get it out and your brain dumps might be the same thing over and over and over again. The second thing is I am a huge fan of this journal prompt and it's, wouldn't it be nice if. So I'm not asking you what's your dreams or desires. I'm asking you what, or I am asking you what your desires are. I'm not asking you what you want. I'm saying magic wand, wouldn't it be nice if, and you can, you can like write down little things like, wouldn't it be nice if I had a glass of water right now? Wouldn't it be nice if the weather wasn't cold? So some of these things you can control, some you can't control. Just dump it all out. It be small things, big things. This is data. This is breadcrumbs. These are desires that are inside of you. The second thing is once you take that list, figure out the feeling that you're after. So Danielle Laporte taught me forever ago, it's not the thing you're after, it's the feeling. This is like the core of manifestation. Okay, it's... It's a gray sky outside. Wouldn't it be nice if the sun was out? Why? How do I think I'm going to feel when the sun is out? Wouldn't it be nice if we had a bigger home? Why do I want a bigger home? Because I want to feel more spacious. Wouldn't it be nice if I had more money in the bank? Why do you want more money in the bank? I want to feel safe. like all of this is data as to figuring out how to feel in control of your feelings because I've seen this is what we usually do is we write down this list, we go after it, check, check, check, check, check. You got the more money in the bank, you got the bigger house and guess what? You're more stressed out, you feel more depleted, you're more angry, frustrated. So when we know how we want to feel, then we can start reverse engineering that. And the feeling is the guiding light. The feeling is the North Star. Then when the school calls, When the report card comes in, when your child is retreating or reacting, you are coming from a more fulfilled, full place and you can be curious. When your brain is operating in the state of fight or flight or survival mode, you are just trying to get your basic human needs met. And so you have to, have to. to be quote unquote successful at being present for your children, take care of yourself from a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual perspective. And to me, spiritual perspective is desires. There's bigger beliefs of, know, whatever you believe that's on you. But to me, when I started going, I crave, you know, wouldn't it be nice if and it was like these random things. like, I can't self abandon my needs forever because then I become angry and resentful. Regardless of my body shutting down, I start to project onto my kids. I start yelling, my marriage feels disconnected. So it is really understanding that the most unselfish thing you can do when you are in a state of overwhelm is to take care of everybody else but yourself. So number one, brain dump. Number two, ask yourself, wouldn't it be nice if, look at that list, ask yourself, what is the feeling that you're really, really after? And then that's where the reverse engineering comes in. And I talk a lot about that on my podcast. Dr. Cam (25:28) I love that and what a great thing to model to our kids too, right? Because when we start taking care of ourselves and showing up more calmly and showing up more confidently, it changes how our kids show up with us, right? And then we don't have all the stress because we feel connected. And when we let go of the need to control, That reduces a ton of stress too, because trying to control something you don't have control over is extraordinarily stressful. Heather Chauvin (26:00) and scary. I actually, call parenting personal growth on steroids. And I feel like zero to teen years is kind of like marathon training. And the teen years are the race where you were like, WTF, what did I get myself into? I'm in the middle of a hurricane. And you, it is, you kind of do feel like you're backed into a corner because It triggers everything you need to look at in order to show up and lead for your kids. Every woman I work with, 99 .9 % of them are raising children. It's a different dynamic than someone who is not responsible for another human being and their wellbeing. It triggers your deepest wounds. It has triggered so much fear inside of me of I'm not enough, I'm gonna mess this up. like, what if I fail to being afraid to use my voice and then having to walk into a school and advocate and use my voice to talk to other adults that I need to figure out how to sell myself and sell this concept to them. Like from a sales perspective, it's helped me so much in business being seen and really really taking deep deep care of myself and showing up to those challenges from this perspective rather than what we're taught culturally is Mind -blowing to me. It is this counterintuitive way because I'm healthier than I've ever been in my entire life. I have I I'm I'm thriving in all areas of my life and challenged as well. But the mindset that I have, I never would have gotten here without being a mother. And that is so opposite of what we're taught culturally that you can't do both. You can't be successful over here and feel successful as a parent. But when you take on the identity as like, this is a leadership role. And when you learn to lead and feel alive, and have more energy, that's the secret. All the books are telling you. Dr. Cam (28:30) Absolutely. And I feel like because we're out there working and building this, like our other identity and this other focus, that to me is in my daughter. That's what my daughter looks at. And she comes to me and says, Mom, I see what you're doing, which means I know I can do it. And she's learning from me being more than a mom. And then I'm able to put so much more into being a mom because that's not, I'm focused more on just being there and supporting her, not controlling and doing every little aspect of her life, right? Which gives me the freedom, and she's appreciative of that. Like she does, they don't want us doing that. That's not what they need, right? So that frees us up a lot. Heather Chauvin (29:17) And when you have that honest, connected relationship with your child, they're like, please get a hobby. Please leave the house. Please focus on something else. My son will call me out. And I'm like, well, sometimes I think you're just trying to be a little manipulative, but sometimes you're being honest. And I could never have that conversation with my parents growing up. And I think that's the... Dr. Cam (29:24) Yes! Yes! Heather Chauvin (29:42) That's when you know you've healed. That's when you know you've shifted, where your children can give you honest feedback and vice versa. And you can do it in a respectful way. Dr. Cam (29:51) It doesn't feel threatening to you when you hear that. You're like, okay, good point. I don't feel disrespected. I feel like you're feeling comfortable with me and that changes everything. So Heather, what is one big thing that you want parents to take away from this episode? Heather Chauvin (30:17) Well, you just said something that was like stuck in my brain is respected. I hear from a lot of parents, I wanna feel respected. And if we want to, we teach people how to treat us. So if we wanna be respected by our children, we need to learn to respect ourselves. We need to learn to respect our bodies, what they're telling us. We need to learn to respect our time. We need to learn to respect our wisdom. We need to learn to, to really take a stand for the value that we have as humans. Like we are more than just mother. And, you know, the reality is if we look externally, the world would not exist without mothers, right? There would be no, no like population and we call it mother earth for a reason. And so we need to learn to value and respect ourselves more so that we have a bigger voice in society. But our children will show us where we need to grow. And I think if we just adopt that philosophy of like, why is this happening for me, not to me, we show up differently and then we can create that connection and fulfillment. But I also don't believe in hard things. People talk, everything's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I think we're addicted to hard. That's why my podcast is called Emotionally Uncomfortable because I'm like, how about we just, this is easy. The action is easy. It's just emotionally uncomfortable. So if I learn to become more emotionally intelligent and more attuned with my emotions, I can live in alignment with how I want to feel. Dr. Cam (31:40) it's happening for me rather than to me. It's such a small word shift, but an enormous mindset shift, which completely changes everything. Heather, how do people find you? Heather Chauvin (32:13) You can head on over to the podcast Emotionally Uncomfortable. My book is called Dying to Be a Good Mother, it's prescriptive memoir. And my website Heather Chauvin, C -H -A -U -V -I -N dot com, lots of free resources there. Always showing people the how to because if you do the work, you'll see results. So yeah, you can check out all the things. Dr. Cam (32:37) Phenomenal. Thank you so much for Heather. I really enjoyed talking to you. Heather Chauvin (32:43) Thanks Dr. Cam. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Sep 24, 2024

Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Mark Fussell to explore powerful strategies for supporting teens' mental health. Mark shares insights from his platform, Take Two Minutes , which focuses on boosting mental wellness through positive psychology. They discuss practical tools like gratitude journaling, grounding exercises, and breathing techniques to help teens manage emotions and anxiety. The episode emphasizes the importance of patience, kindness, and love in fostering a supportive environment for teens' mental health. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to support teens' mental health using positive psychology and proven techniques Effective strategies for managing anxiety, including gratitude journaling and grounding exercises The impact of gratitude on rewiring the brain for better emotional wellness Why patience, kindness, and love are essential when supporting teens' mental health Tips for fostering emotional resilience and helping teens bounce back from negativity 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Mental health is crucial for teens, and there are many ways parents can support their well-being. Take Two Minutes platform offers accessible tools for enhancing mental wellness through positive psychology. Gratitude journaling, grounding exercises, and breathing techniques are effective for reducing anxiety and improving emotional health. Support requires patience and the willingness to try different strategies that resonate with your teen. Positive reinforcement and kindness can help teens overcome emotional hurdles and thrive. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution—packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Take Two Minutes platform - Website Use coupon code "DRCAM" for 20% off Take Two Minutes platform. EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction to Supporting Teens' Mental Health 04:02 Tools for Managing Emotions and Anxiety 08:58 The Power of Gratitude in Rewiring the Brain 10:57 The Importance of Patience and Trying Different Strategies 12:32 Grounding Exercises for Calming Anxiety 18:31 Recognizing Positivity and Rebounding from Negative Experiences CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Mark Fussell Website: take2minutes.org Instagram: @take2min Facebook: @take2min YouTube: @take2min CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.636) Today we're diving into a topic that couldn't be more crucial, your teens' mental health. As parents, we all want our kids to thrive emotionally, but knowing how to support them can sometimes feel overwhelming. So we've got some game -changing proven strategies that we're gonna give to you so they're right at your fingertips during the tough times. That's why I'm thrilled to have Mark Fussell with us today. Mark is the founder of Take Two Minutes, a platform that's all about boosting mental wellness through the science of positive psychology. Mark is here to share actionable techniques that you can start using right away. Welcome, Mark. Marc S Fussell (00:40.344) Thank you, Dr. Kam. I'm glad to be here. Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:43.248) Yeah, this is a very important topic and I know I talk to a lot of parents that just want tools or like just tell us what we can do. So before we even get going, I would love to hear what sparked the idea of the Take Two Minutes. Marc S Fussell (00:57.229) It's interesting. It's actually my who now is my older son, but at the time he was much younger in 2015, my older son was in high school and he was struggling with what I call typical high school problems. And I say what I call because every everyone deals with things very differently. So when I heard of what was happening or what he was sad, depressed about in my mind, I was like, this is high school difficulties. And I decided to try to address it by something simple, which was sending him a message every day around noon. So in middle of his school day, letting him know he's loved, letting me know those people who care about him, just trying to lift his spirits. And that grew into me having a database of these positive messages. I'm a developer by heart. guess, you know, going back to my, my younger years, I was always a developer. So even when I was sending these messages to him, I was still in technology. And what I realized was every day when I wanted to send him a message, quite often I was in a meeting. I was doing something that was preoccupying my time. Further, most of my positivity was happening in the morning when I was either exercising or doing yoga or meditating. And around noon, as you may know, we have more stressful lives. And so I put together a little system that allowed me to write positive messages in the morning, put it into a document and the system would just take one out of the documents and send it to him every day. So yeah, they were still my messages. They were just being more automated sending to him. Well, that kind of snowballed into more people wanting to receive the messages. And I think at some point in time, I had 10, 15 people getting the messages and I didn't think anything else of it. thought this is kind of cool. People are reading my positive messages. So it's great. Well, one day I was in a coffee shop and someone behind me overheard me talking about it to the person who I knew is at the coffee shop. And they said, I get your messages too. And I had no idea that anyone else was getting them. And so I went and looked and there was about 300 people in the database who were receiving the messages. Yeah. So I was a little bit taken back and realized, I should probably do more with this because right now they're just my positive messages I've kind of made up. And not that I'm an expert, but I think they were good messages. So ultimately I reached out to my network of connections and learned that I had a connection with a doctor of psychology at Duke University. He was able to spend a lot of time on the phone with me, teaching me all about positive psychology, teaching me all about his studies. He had seven or eight years worth of studies he had done at that point around positive psychology and things that help people and really black and white data about how they help people. And so I started building out what's now Take Two Minutes. And that was probably in 2017, 2018, I started building Take Two Minutes. Dr. Cam (03:33.034) That is amazing and it's so great to have used technology for good. There's a lot of things we can do with good. So I love this and having those positive messages. We know the impact when you get them on a regular basis can rewire the brain. So you're helping your teenager rewire their brain to be more positive, which is phenomenal. And now we are talking about tools that parents can have. And this that itself is a great one. right, just sending those messages. But I have a lot of kids, especially once school starts, that really struggle to manage their emotions, that get very anxious about things, and parents want to help them and they don't know how. And so I'd love to provide some tools for them on what can they do when they see that their teen is struggling, what can they help them with. Marc S Fussell (04:28.458) Right. So I think there's a lot of answers to that question. And I'm going to start with, there is no one solution for everybody, right? And let's just start there. And I think that's an obvious statement, but not everyone recognizes that. The goal is to keep trying until you find something that works for the individual. Take two minutes is one of the many things you can try. Obviously, I'm gonna talk about take two minutes because it's my, as you said, my passion, what I know a lot about, but ultimately I know about positive psychology and there are a lot of tools out there and you have to find the one that works the best for your children. So what take two minutes can offer is a few things. We have a few different activities I'm gonna talk about that could help children. Also, you mentioned the positive messages. We still have positive messages. They have grown. So we actually have an entire subset of positive messages now that are meant for middle school and high school kids. were created, the little subset, when I say little, it's 400 messages. They were created by teachers, school counselors, and also regular counselors and therapists that are really more targeted at that younger age. They're shorter messages. They're not quite as in depth with some of the messages. And they were written by people who work with kids to help kids. So there's a whole subset of positive messages just for younger audience, we'll say. On and above that, within Take Two Minutes, a parent can sign up for Take Two Minutes and buy a license for their child or children or entire family. And a neat feature we have is the ability for the parent to see what activities the children are doing. So can actually get a report showing if they have one or more than one kid, each child and what things they're doing. And they can look at the report on a day basis or a week basis or whatever. many of the activities we have allows the recipient to check in, like how are you feeling right now? And so as if a child does check in their mood, A parent can see their mood even different times throughout the day, how they're feeling if they have checked in multiple times. That's something that's really good. And from advice and input from therapists and counselors, the parents cannot read the child's personal data. So if the child is making journal entries, which is good, the parents don't have access to read those. The parents can go to the child and go, I'm seeing you're using these tools. I'm really happy. Anything you want to talk about, any of your entries you want to talk about, they can try to have that conversation but they don't have direct access to see the entries. It is still a private entry for the child. So going back to things that help, you mentioned rewiring the brain. think on and above just receiving positive messages, biggest, one of the largest things anyone can do to help rewire their brain is recognizing gratitude. It's really difficult to be in a negative spot and recognize gratitude at the same time. I don't know if it's even possible, honestly. So the recognition of gratitude or what is commonly called a gratitude journal is something that really anyone who's struggling should get in the habit of trying to do. Now within take two minutes, I'm going to ask, let you ask questions. But one more thing I want to add here with regards to gratitude journaling. I learned over the years that a lot of people struggle with gratitude journaling. If you're in a bad place, if you're depressed, if you're a child who's dealing with problems, And a parent or anyone says, Hey, I want you to start gratitude journaling. Even if you want to, even if you sit down and try, you may sit there and think, I have nothing to be grateful for. You move on. And so what I have developed also, in addition to a gratitude journal is what I call the gratitude challenge. The gratitude challenge came from all this learning I've done about people who struggle with thinking of things they're grateful for. The gratitude challenge every day will send you a prompt of something for which you should be grateful. And it will ask you to write a statement on why you are grateful for that. What this does talking about rewiring the brain is it starts allowing someone to recognize things in their daily life for which they should be grateful. As they start recognizing those things, they will actually recognize more gratitude. After a short amount of time, I found in my studies, someone only needs about 10 to 14 days of gratitude challenges until they start just recognizing gratitude around them automatically. So the gratitude challenge is a fun exercise that I encourage people who are struggling to take a chance with. And ideally, after a 14, 20 day gratitude challenge, you can then just smoothly transition into a gratitude journaling exercise. Dr. Cam (08:58.422) That's fantastic. are some of the things on there that just give us some examples of the things that you say we should be grateful for that kind of prompts the kids? Marc S Fussell (09:09.193) Right. So the one I use the same example quite often, and it is the sun provides heat and light to our planet. Think of a reason why you like the sun. And so it, it, that's, it's just a very simple topic. gives them one thing to think about and one thing to write a gratitude statement on. There's about 180 different prompts right now. And the goal of all those prompts is ideally not to trigger anyone, not to, try to touch on a topic that someone can't relate to, so they try to be all topics everybody can relate to. And of course, that's a tough thing to do. But yeah, right. But we've done our best to make sure that they all fit in that range. And so there's 180 of them. And ideally, if you do a gratitude challenge, system lets you, by default, it'll do seven days. But you can say, want to do a 20 day, a 15 day, whatever you want to do. And it'll continue it for that amount of time. Dr. Cam (10:03.012) I love that and I think when you've got something, an outside source that kind of plays into their technology, they might be more open to do it or you can do it as a family and just say, hey, let's figure out and if we all can come up with stuff, which is a great way to connect too. So we've got the gratitude, which yes, gratitude is a phenomenal way to rewire the brain. I always encourage parents to do this about their teens is find a daily, at least three things they're grateful for about their teen, which can start very difficult, but it changes that dynamic too. So I love the gratitude. What about when our teen is in a moment and they're stressing out and anxious and they want help, but they're also resistant to help. What are some very powerful tools that we can help our teens use in order to be able to get them through that? Marc S Fussell (10:57.363) Thankfully, because of a couple of larger companies, meditation is becoming a little more popular in today's age, or at least more people are aware of the idea of meditation. Take Two Minutes has hundreds and hundreds of meditations built into it, but specifically, I have a small library of meditations that are really focused on calming someone down from anxiety. And so, we haven't touched on this yet. Take Two Minutes is largely a text -based app. And so, it's an app. It has a website. The website this was called a mobile first design. So it's really designed for the mobile phone. You can do everything from the website. However, you can also do everything via just texting. a lot of, especially a lot of people love that because the fact that you always have your phone in your hand, you respond to text messages. And so you can, if you have a moment of anxiety, instead of trying to go to the website or find the app on your phone, just go to your text messages and text a message back to the service saying, I have anxiety it's gonna immediately send you back two exercises. It's immediately send you back a grounding exercise and a meditation that's focused on anxiety. You can use either of them, but it sends that back within seconds usually. And you can hit the meditation, sit down and follow along and ideally calm yourself down from that moment. The meditations that are in the anxiety focused meditations, again, there's about 20 and the whole purpose of those is to calm you down. And some of them are some breathing exercises. Some are just visualizations you follow along, but they really ideally help someone calm down from that panic attack or stressful moment. Dr. Cam (12:32.416) Yeah, and I think when you've got that presented to you, because a lot of times when parents present it, it just adds to the anxiety because kids feel a little pressured going, okay, mom's telling me that I need to breathe and I'm not feeling like breathing and now I feel pressured to breathe because mom wants me to and it's like, it kind of builds it up. So having something that generates it for you through their type of communication is really nice and having that. we've got gratitude. We do, we've got the grounding exercise, right? And is that the five, four, three, two. Marc S Fussell (13:00.891) Yes, yes. It is, it's the one, five things you see around you, four things you, I think here, three things you smell, yeah. I think it's a great exercise. And I'm sure you know this, you've probably talked about it, it brings someone into the present, it brings someone into their surroundings and makes you focus on things around you. And again, Dr. Cam, I'm sure you know this, but anxiety is worrying about the future. So if you're worried about something upcoming or possibilities of something, if you can bring yourself into your surroundings and where you're at right now, that helps alleviate that anxiety. Dr. Cam (13:37.312) It really does and it gets you out of the head, out of your head. always liken it to, you you're riding your bike and a twig gets in there and you just go, boom, it just stops the wheels, right? It's kind of like that where it just stops that hamster wheel in your brain. The grounding exercise I use with my own daughter quite a lot to the point now where she just looks at me and she goes, okay, mom, let's start, you know, when she's starting to feel, because by the time you're done with it, you have stopped it enough to be able to regain even if you're still stressed out, you at least aren't stuck in that like hyperventilation, Like freaking out thing. So doing that, a lot of kids resist breathing. How do we get our kids on board? Because breathing is probably the number one best way to calm ourselves down. But it gets a lot of eye rolls. People are like, my God, breathing. So how do we talk about breathing to our teens in a way that doesn't sound all woo woo and they can buy into it? Marc S Fussell (14:42.724) So before we get to breathing back to the grounding exercise, I want to add that a lot of people to it, to make this exercise more impactful for anybody. have to. So what I found is a few of the numbers, especially when you start talking about things you smell and things you hear, you have to really focus on those. And those are the key ones, right? It's really easy. It's easy to look around and go, I see a clock, I see a speaker, I see a picture, I see, and that's almost topical, right? It's so easy to see things quickly. I ideally am for most people at least. hearing, hearing is one of those things where depending on where you're at, you may have to focus more, which is good. The point of that exercise is to focus a little bit because that is what's going to bring yourself into the present moment. So hearing or listening, you may have to start really trying to hone in on what you hear. And maybe it's a car out in the distance or a train or wrestling of Lee's, that Focus is what helps that exercise be impactful. If you make it very topical and just make it very, hear this, I hear that. Well then move on to smell because smells even more difficult quite often, right? Dr. Cam (15:44.35) can ever get smell. It's two things you smell. Let's go, it's five things you see, four things you can feel like against your body, not emotions. Three things you hear, two things you can smell and one thing you taste. So you're going through all the different senses. And when we get to smell, I struggle to smell more than one thing. Like that's a tough thing for us to do, I think. Marc S Fussell (15:51.685) But the beauty of that is if you do try hard, that is what's helping that exercise work for you. Because if you just pass it up, that's not going to be as impactful as really trying. And the feel one is one I like because you got to really start thinking about sitting in a seat. I feel my sit bone against the seat. I feel the arm against my elbow over here. Right. So you got to kind of focus on those things. And that focus is what makes that really, really impactful. So I wanted to touch on that real quickly before we got to breathing. But for breathing, there's a couple of things on breathing also. In addition to the meditations that are focused on helping with anxiety, we have another library of breathing exercises. So there are many breathing techniques, as you are probably aware. There's not just a breathing technique. So a couple of things on breathing is I recommend people to try, you know, quite a few of them out of the library. think my breathing exercise library has 18 different breathing exercises. So keep trying different ones until you find one you like. Once you find one you like, you can add it to your library so you can get back to it quickly so you can reuse it. However, with breathing, the goal is to recognize your breath. If you calm down from it, if you're calming down from anxiety, it's not so much just your awareness, yeah, I'm breathing. It's deep, purposeful breaths and purposeful exhales. I find for me, what works the best is inhaling through the nose, exhaling through the mouth. Everyone's a little bit different. Every breathe exercise is a little bit different, but you make very purposeful inhales that are really deep and even audible if need be. then you can make, you know, let out a big as you're exhaling and repeat that. Then focus on feeling again feet. We're talking about feels, right? So feeling the air go into your nostrils, feeling the air go down, feeling your stomach expand on the breath. So feeling those things that again brings you back into the present moment because you're really focusing on something that's happening right now and around you. Dr. Cam (18:01.544) Yeah, I think the key with this and across all of these is finding that technique that gets you out of your head and into just the tangibles and the truth, right? Because a lot of where anxiety comes from, it's like the story we're building and building and building, and there's rarely any truth to it. You know, it's kind of this buildup thing. And so now we're getting to something really true and real and here, which all of those things kind of ground us. I like that with an app you can just get it, right? So you don't have to remember it. Because I think that's one of the challenges too. And if you don't have the app, one of the things to remember is these are things you have to practice when you're calm because your brain is not going to remember what to do when you're in fight or flight. It's already gone, right? So this is about finding that exercise and having it become automated beforehand. And even if you have the app, having that turning to the app has to be automated because you're not going to think of that either, right? Do you find that as a challenge or what are your recommendations for that? Marc S Fussell (19:09.4) I think what you said is spot on because you do want to get accustomed to some of those exercises and not just try them when you're in that fight or flight or really panic mode. Cause it's not going to be as obvious to you at that point. So you have to almost play with the app some first. So you're familiar with how to get to things. And again, I've tried to make it really, really easy. You you mentioned the word app since it is a mobile designed website or it's called a progressive web app. You can put a link right on your note desktop or home screen of your phone. It's really easy to do. You can put a link right there so you can get to it almost immediately. also, again, as I mentioned, we've made it where it's text friendly also, so you can text messages to it get responses. So the goal is to make it as easily accessible as possible. But with that said, some practice ahead of time or playing ahead of time so you become familiar with it and are aware it's there as a tool for you helps you when you do need it. Dr. Cam (20:01.844) Yeah, and I think, and I'm thinking in my head too, because a lot of times the kids that I talk to when they're going through anxiety don't actually have access to their phone because the phone has been removed from them because, and that's some of the reason why they are experiencing anxiety is because the phone has been taken and that's kind of their lifeline. So I think it's really important that if you are removing the phone to consider that, that that might be a lifeline. So you need to first decide what that is. And if you are, to have some of these other tools in place and taught and prepared and ready for them if they need to figure it out and access themselves, correct? Marc S Fussell (20:39.895) Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's an interesting, almost like rabbit hole we could talk about. I don't want to talk about it too much, but you know, removing the phone, I get why it's done. don't want, we, in our minds, especially older generations look at the devices as a crutch, right? We didn't have them when we were kids, why they needed it. But these days they're kind of like just a part of life. So removing them, even though it may seem obvious to us that we, cause we didn't need them as a kid a lot of children rely upon those things. That is, like you said, their lifeline. It's almost like their security blanket sometimes. It's just what they're accustomed to having. so monitoring what they're doing on them is definitely important, right? You don't want them doing anything bad or anything they shouldn't be doing. And I'm not going to tell anyone, don't remove their children's phones. Obviously it's your child, do what you want to do. But I think that definitely can add some anxiety because in their minds, it's something they're just accustomed to having quite often. Dr. Cam (21:33.548) Yeah. And I think that it is, it's a decision that if that is what you're going to do, that's fine and that's your decision, but making sure that you're replacing that with something else because we tend to just take it and not replace it with anything. And so that leaves your child just struggling, right? Rather than saying, okay, I know this is a security blanket and what do you use it for? Let's find something else. That's why too, we want to make sure we've got a lot of these tools and we've been walking through. And you said at the beginning, and I want to reiterate this, this is about finding what works for your team. So you may go through a lot of different things and your team is just going to be like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. That is fine. Keep finding. Don't give up or something. Right? So we've got, and you're right, breathing, there's a ton of different things. I like the grounding exercise just because it feels more like a game a little bit than Zen meditations, gratitude. What are we missing? Marc S Fussell (22:39.156) Again, just when you say gratitude, don't forget the gratitude challenge. That's huge. Now earlier, though, you mentioned you touched on with your child. Sometimes you think of three, three things, three good things you liked. So the three good things exercise is an actual exercise in positive psychology that is huge. And some people don't fully understand how it's supposed to work. So I'm to touch on that real quickly. Gratitude journaling. Most of the time, I mean, the time what I've heard time and time again is best in the early day hours. So sometime in the morning, wake up, try to write a gratitude statement, write two if you can. That is different from three good things. Three good things ideally is an exercise that is supposed to be done in the evening, so prior to bed. And you're supposed to reflect on the day and think of three good things that happened that day to you. The purpose of this is it puts your mind into a positive state prior to going to bed many people, even children, us, so many people have stressful days, right? And at the end of the day, sometimes you're exhausted. Maybe it was a bad day. Maybe you had problems. and so you're going to bed quite often, maybe in a negative mood, even though you don't recognize this negative mood, doing three good things in the evening makes you reflect on the day and makes you think about good things that happen. And sometimes it's a struggle. Some days you're like, I can't think of anything, but it's little things, right? someone held the door for you. That was very nice of them. Someone said, thank you. didn't know where you talk to. Think of little things. It doesn't have to be a monumental change, but three good things. Go to sleep. Your subconscious then works on that positivity. And this is what's creating new routes in your head, neural pathways for positivity. You wake up with a little bit more positivity. The studies have shown, and there's been a lot of studies on three good things, that if you do that for just 15 days only 15 days It will have a lasting effect on your mental well -being for four months meaning that those 15 days of Thinking of three good things that happened to you prior to going to bed Because of again your subconscious and how it uses that information you will have More positivity in your life for the next up to the next four months Dr. Cam (24:57.824) This is such an amazing thing to do as a family again, right? If you're to that point, even around dinner table, it's like, are three things that were great today? Share them with us. Because when we, the other thing is when we either write them down or vocalize it, it's much more prominent than if we just think it, right? So putting that out there makes it a lot more powerful. And I also want to highlight what you said too, that we often think it has to be this big major thing, right? And it can be the smallest thing. One of the things I do with teens is I say, just look around the room and pick one thing, just any random thing there, and tell me what are you grateful for about that? Just that, that one thing. So it can be so completely simple. The whole point is it's making your brain think of the positive and not stuck in that negative. Why, and I know positive psychology gets into this a lot, why are we kind of geared towards going to the negative. Why is that so easy to do and the positive we have to be so intentional about? Marc S Fussell (26:03.605) There's a lot of discussion around that. And I think it falls back to in our, you know, centuries and centuries ago, we had to be aware of the negatives because there could be a bear after us or a saber tooth tiger. had to be aware of our surroundings because we needed to protect ourselves. We primarily live in a day and age now where generally we're pretty protected. You know, you're in a house, you have a lot of securities, but that You know, it goes, it's very similar to the reason why we are all predisposition to really want sugar, want salt and what fat, right? It's things to keep our survival going. and that negativity is things to keep our survival going. However, everything plays on that, you know, news plays on that negativity to, to incite you, to get you to watch more news or be concerned. Social media is really bad about trying to show you the negatives to get you engaged with the conversation. I think, at one point in time, I read a whole article about Facebook. use their algorithms, took anything negative and put it up top to hopefully engage people to try to respond more. then you're just being negativities being dumped on you and you're playing up on that. And it makes you more negative. Barbara Fredrickson said the negativity screams at us, whereas the positivity only whispers. And I think I probably didn't get that quote exactly right. But the premise is accurate that you have to look for the positivity sometimes. But what happens is, and you talked about changing again, your brains pathways, it's really it's called priming. So once you get accustomed to recognizing positive things, recognizing gratitude, once you start doing it, once you get in the habit of doing it, your brain will just automatically start doing it more and more. And the beauty of it is, and I tell people this all the time, we're not looking for fake positivity, we're not looking for fake happiness, we're not trying to say, you're always happy. The goal is that life's going to have ebbs and flows. Once you have a good amount of gratitude and you recognize gratitude around you and you're recognizing positivity through positive psychology. When bad things happen, you're able to rebound more quickly because bad things are still going to happen. You're going to have problems in life. You're going to have unfortunate deaths. You're going to have grievance. You're going to have problems in life all the time. The idea behind positive psychology, the idea behind recognizing positivity is being able to rebound from those things often or more quickly. So I know myself, I have Yeah, as we all do, I don't want this isn't a, you feel sorry for marketing, but I have a lot going on, right? I'm a CIO. I take care of, take two minutes. have kids. have, you know, helping people and every day there are challenges and there are times where there's grievances. I can usually, since I've been practicing positive psychology for years now, I can recognize when I'm in a bad state, I can recognize when I'm in a negative state, right? And when I recognize that because I'm able to recognize it doesn't mean I'm able to instantly fix it. can't just flip a switch and go, I'm happy again. But because I recognize it, I do a better job, I believe, of not reflecting that negativity on other people. I do a better job of trying to maybe avoid people who I care about just so I don't be more negative around them until I'm able to get over it. And I can use things I know to get myself into a better positive state in a shorter amount of time. you know, everyone's going be different with what that timeframe is. If it's a death in the family, it might take you weeks to get over and that's okay. Nothing's wrong with that. But the goal of a positive psychology is you do recognize it and you're able to dig yourself out of the hole. Dr. Cam (29:25.44) I’m glad you brought that up because I think there is this false assumption or belief about positive psychology that it's just everything's shiny and pretty and I'm going to just ignore reality. But what I see a lot and again, I see this with my teens a lot is that we create a reality that's far more negative and they have these they go to the end create stories that are super, super negative and see that as the reality. And so I'll make them do like, okay, come up with a opposing story that is so beyond crazy positive. That's just as true. That feels really weird to you and uncomfortable, but it is just as true as this really, really negative one. Let's get somewhere in the middle so that we're, because how our brain thinks is how we interact with the world. So we can create really negative interactions and the same person can experience the exact same thing and not have the negative impact. So I think it's really important that this is, and like you said, and I just want to expand on that because I think that is a very big misconception people have. I also want to share that yesterday was the exact day that I had where I had to tell my daughter, she came down and I said, I'm not in a good mood today, just to let you know. Marc S Fussell (30:40.542) it is. Dr. Cam (30:50.964) And she sends me a text later and she goes, mom, have to tell you this, but I didn't want to tell you in the morning because she told me you were in a bad mood. But I was just like, I'm just going let you know now. I'm not in a good place. I'm trying. I'm going to get out of it. But right now I'm just not there. And it helped because now we weren't triggering one another. Marc S Fussell (31:11.325) Right. Yeah. And that's what you said. We're all going to have bad days. No matter what you do, there's going to be bad days. And you just got to learn that, recognize that. It's not all rainbows and butterflies, right? Life has problems. Dr. Cam (31:15.356) Yeah, absolutely. I love all of these. think this is about, and we'll put the link and all the information about the app in there, because I think that is a great tool, especially if you have a teen and if you do have a teen that is resistant to your suggestions and advice, you are not alone. In fact, you probably have more people that are like that than have kids that will listen. But if you have that, this is a great tool. Or finding somebody else that can teach them those, Not getting upset that they won't listen to you, but finding a way for them to access those tools is great. Marc S Fussell (32:01.686) Yes, and I think we set up a coupon code for you as well that's in your listeners can use Correct. Yep Dr. Cam (32:06.758) You did. It's just Dr. Cam. So put in Dr. Cam and you can get a discount. That's fantastic. Thank you for doing that. I love that. So what is one thing you want people to walk away with from this episode? Marc S Fussell (32:19.709) I think it's patience and kindness. think it's important for people, especially parents. You were kids once too. I was a kid once too. Kids can be frustrating. I was probably challenging when I was a child. I think just have some patience, have kindness, show love always, and that will go a long way to making them feel confident with talking to you. think love is an important part of it as well, letting them know that they are loved, that you care about them if they're going through a difficult time trying to help them in a loving way is I think they're in for Dr. Cam (32:52.832) That is so key. It's easy to love them when they're being compliant and good. It is very difficult sometimes to not that we don't love them, but to show that love when they're being difficult and that's when they need us the most. I love it. Thank you so much for joining us. I really, really appreciate it. Marc S Fussell (33:01.027) That was a great conversation. I appreciate being here. Thank you for having me again. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast offers expert advice, real-world insights, and practical parenting strategies to help you navigate the challenges of raising teens. Dr. Cam, an adolescent psychologist, helps parents build strong relationships with their teens while supporting their emotional growth. Each episode provides actionable tips and tools to improve communication, handle teen behavior, and thrive together as a family. #ParentingTeens #MentalHealth #Teens #PositivePsychology #TakeTwoMinutes #DrCamCaswell

Sep 10, 2024

Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with Stacey D. Stewart, CEO of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), to discuss the critical issue of underage drinking and impaired driving. Stacey highlights the ongoing dangers of these issues and the devastating impact they can have on families. She emphasizes that parents play a key role in prevention through open, ongoing conversations with their teens. Stacey encourages parents to provide resources and information to help their children make informed decisions and understand the consequences of alcohol and substance use. Modeling responsible behavior and seeking help if a child struggles with substance use is also key. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The lasting dangers of underage drinking and impaired driving, and how parents can help prevent them. Why ongoing, open communication with teens is crucial for prevention. Practical resources and tips for parents to help their teens make informed choices about alcohol and substance use. How parents can model responsible behavior to reinforce the importance of safe choices. The importance of addressing mental health concerns and seeking help when necessary. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Underage drinking and impaired driving remain serious issues with severe consequences. Parents can prevent these dangers by maintaining open communication with their teens and providing educational resources. Modeling responsible behavior is essential for guiding teens toward making better decisions. Early conversations about alcohol and substance use should begin as early as elementary school. If a teen is struggling with substance use, parents should seek support and resources immediately. ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share this episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create more episodes packed with practical tips to help you and your family thrive! 🔔 Be sure to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-filled episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE MADD's digital Power of Parents handbook EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction and the Importance of Prevention 03:39 The Disconnect Between Knowledge and Action 06:34 Starting the Conversation Early 11:31 Continuing the Conversation and Reinforcing the Dangers 18:39 Creating a Plan for Safe Transportation 26:27 Modeling Responsible Behavior and Addressing Mental Health CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Stacey D. Stewart Website: MADD Website Instagram: @MADDNational Facebook: MADD Official Facebook LinkedIn: Stacey D. Stewart LinkedIn X (Twitter): @MADDOnline YouTube: MADD YouTube Channel TikTok: @MADDNational CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.026) The thought of your teen making a life -altering mistake because of alcohol is terrifying. We know that underage drinking can lead to devastating consequences, from impaired driving accidents to the dangerous combination of alcohol with other drugs. But here's the thing, these tragedies are entirely preventable. To help us navigate these tough topics, I am joined by Stacey D. Stewart, CEO of Mothers Against Drunk Driving or MADD. Stacey is going to share how we as parents can address these fears take action and keep our teens safe from the dangers of drinking and driving. Stacey, welcome to the show. Stacey D. Stewart (00:37.837) Thank for having me. Dr. Cam (00:39.182) Absolutely, Kaso. I always love starting with a backstory. So what inspired you to get involved with MAD? Stacey D. Stewart (00:47.544) You know, my whole career has kind of been defined by leading and working in organizations that are doing good in society and doing good for others. It's my career has gone everywhere from addressing affordable housing and homelessness to looking at the issues of public education to public health and maternal and infant health and this opportunity came up to come to MAD and I just thought it was an amazing opportunity. The organization has, you know, an incredible legacy, has done really phenomenal things and is on a journey to continue to address the issue of Indian Peer Driving. And I just jumped on the opportunity to come once it came my way and I've been excited to be a part of the organization ever since. Dr. Cam (01:35.23) I love that. Thank you for everything you're doing. That's amazing. Making some serious change in the world. That's incredible. Tell me a little bit about what is the goal of MAD right now? Like what are your main things that you're trying to accomplish? Stacey D. Stewart (01:51.034) So the main goal is to end impaired driving, meaning ending drunk and drug driving. And unfortunately for a lot of people, I think maybe because of some of the success that Matt has had over almost 45 years, a lot of people think that that issue has gone away or we've dealt with it. Some people say, well, we have ride share, we have Uber and ride share alternatives. So why would anyone get behind a wheel and drive? And unfortunately it still happens. In fact, based on the latest statistics, Over 13 ,000 people died as a result of impaired driving crashes. And about every, almost every 90 seconds, someone is either being injured or killed in an impaired driving crash. And so we still have a major issue for, in this country. And in fact, even though we have seen a 50 % decline in fatalities from the beginning of MADS getting started until just before the... Stacey D. Stewart (02:49.69) pandemic, during the pandemic, we saw an upswing. So from 2019 to 2022, we saw an increase in fatalities of over 30%. So we began going in the wrong direction. And that's why, Mad, we're, you know, very, very focused on doubling down to make sure that we build awareness around the dangers of, of drinking and, using substances behind the wheel. We also are making sure that young people understand the dangers of underage drinking because we know that underage drinking and substance use can lead to a greater chance of becoming involved in an impaired driving crash. So these are just really important issues that we have to continue to focus on and we can't let up the focus because, you know, frankly, if we do, more people die or get injured and none of us wants that. Dr. Cam (03:39.638) Yeah, I think as parents, we're very well aware of this, right? And when our kids are going out and they're even before they're driving and their friends are driving, we're already terrified enough, right? I think our kids also know, but there's a disconnect between what they know and what they do. And there's also a disconnect of what we know and what our kids will hear from us, right? And what they believe from us. So I think that's the biggest thing as parents that we're worried about is how do we convey the severity of it without terrifying them, but also how do we do it in a way where we're teaching them to make good decisions, even when there's peer pressure and they don't want to be the weird person that says, I'm not going to take the ride or no, I'm not drinking. I throw a lot at you because there's a lot. Stacey D. Stewart (04:31.246) Right. No, that's it. Yeah, no, no, no. It's but you're you're asking all the right questions and touching all the right issues. And I think, you know, Ed Madd, one of the things that we do is provide a lot of information and resources to parents so that parents know how to talk to their kids around the dangers of underage drinking and substance use and then what that can mean in terms of becoming involved in an impaired driving crash. I think it's really important to level set, you know, about There are about 4 ,300 deaths attributed each year to underage drinking in this country. And when you look at, in fact, based on data as of 2021, about 27 % of drivers between the ages of 15 and 20 were killed in traffic crashes and had alcohol present in their system. And so it's really important to understand that these are really serious issues and that if we don't talk to our kids, as soon as we're ready to have that conversation and they're ready to have the conversation, which can be as early as even elementary school, middle school, but certainly by high school, we could be doing our kids a disservice because if they're not engaged in a very positive conversation with their parents, who we know parents are the most influential adults in a kid's life, they may being influenced by some of the wrong things to your point around peer pressure becomes very intense the older that young people get certainly through high school, middle school and high school and into college. so creating those healthy habits is something that's really important. And that's why we created the Power Parents Handbook which is available at mad .org our website. It's available to give parents those tools that they need to know how to talk to kids in healthy and positive ways so that kids understand how to make good decisions and how to make sure that they stay as safe as possible and keep others safe as well. Dr. Cam (06:34.502) Yeah, I looked through that. It's beautifully done too. It's really, really cool resource. So I will put the link there and I encourage parents to look at that. Let's pull out a few things. Let's say we've got a tween now, right? So they're not driving yet. Hopefully, well, chances are now they might be starting to be introduced to alcohol. How do we start that conversation at that age? What are some things parents can say or do to really build so that we can build upon that. I'll take it older. Stacey D. Stewart (07:06.426) So I think one of the things that the Hamburg tribes have point out is that it's not even what we say, it's also how we say it. So there are certain kinds of parenting styles and approaches that tend to get young people listening and hearing the message that we have to convey, right? You know, some parents, and this is no judgment on parents at all, because we're all just human beings and we're all just trying to do our best, right? But sometimes that more authoritarian style of like, do what I say and sort of pound the message into the kid and hope they, you know, just kind of seeps into their brain or gets pounded into the brain may work for some kids, but for a lot of kids, it's not proven to be always effective. Or the kind of laissez faire, you know, they'll get it. it'll be fine. And trying to taking it for granted that things will just be okay and I don't really need to be proactive is also probably not the right approach. So the right approach is, you know, I mean, think every parent kind of knows when their kid might be coming into situations where they might be introduced to alcohol or substances. Certainly by middle school and high school, it's really important to kind of sit down with your kids and with a very positive approach, you know, really in a way that's assuming that you trust your young people to make good judgments. Are you know, smart, are growing, you know, young people and want to be independent at the same time. It's really important for parents to understand there is a role for you to be able to say, to help young people understand that substances and alcohol is a substance can be dangerous and to explain how those things can be dangerous, how those things can impair one's judgment, how they can impair your response time and how It's okay when a lot of other kids are doing certain activities. It's really okay to make a choice to say not or to call for help or to reach out for help when you feel like you're in a situation where you may not be able to, you know, get home safely or, or you may be forced to make a decision that you don't want to. It's keeping the communication lines open, making sure that kids and young people know it's really okay to come to the parent, even if you think you've made a mistake. Even if you think that you're doing something that could be dangerous down the road never hesitating to bring that forward so making sure that those lines of communication are always open I always am amazed at how parents sometimes Will make the decision well Mike I have a bunch of kids over I'm okay if they all drink when I'm here because I'm looking out over them But I just don't want kids going out and drinking well if kids are at your house, then someone else's kid is out drinking at your house. And, you know, the issue for a lot of young people is once they leave the house and they're involved, engaged in some behavior that could be very dangerous for them, you know, how do we make sure that they get home safely? And even though we know that kids are not supposed to be drinking and using substances under the age of 21, they still do. And it still happens It's our responsibility as parents to make sure that not only our kids, but other people's kids are safe too. And we have that responsibility to ourselves and to others. Dr. Cam (10:33.024) That is so true and it's such a good point that we're like, well, we're keeping them safe, but you're right. I'm not trusting somebody else to keep my kids safe, so I don't want, they don't need to trust me either. And I think it sends a mixed message too going, it's okay to drink now, but not here. And so that's confusing. let's say we've got, and I see this a lot in my practice. We've got kids that are using substances, they're either drinking or they're smoking. They are doing their very best to hide it from their parents because they know their parents don't want them to and their parents have told them not to do it, but it doesn't change them. It doesn't make them not do it, right? In fact, it just makes them very sneaky about doing it. And so then they make choices. So what do we do if we're in this situation and we find out that our child has been hiding that they've been drinking or doing substances? How do we respond to that when they clearly don't have trust in us enough to tell us? Stacey D. Stewart (11:31.908) Yeah, well, you know, those are tough and those happen all the time. And those are situations that so many of us have found ourselves in where we have to confront a young person about their behavior. you know, I think this is one of the things that's really important is this conversation isn't just a one time thing. It's something that should be done, you know, continuously and continuously using opportunities to engage in those conversations. You know, sometimes it's helpful. you know, if you are aware that your young person might be using substances or may be involved in some behavior, it's just to go back to those reminders of what we talked about and how this could be dangerous and just continuing to reinforce those messages. Continuing to reinforce that this isn't about punishment necessarily, although sometimes that may be appropriate given the situation and that's for every parent to decide how they want to do that. But I do think it's really important to make sure that young people don't feel like there's some sort of punitive consequence necessarily if they just have made a mistake. However, at the same time, they do need to understand that even one mistake can lead to a life altering consequence, either for them or for someone else. So there's a real balance between, look, I understand you may make a mistake here, something may have happened, but please bring them back to Remember what your options are remember that you don't have to do this remember that and this is another important point is that I think it's really important to understand that some kids are using substances or alcohol because of You know peer pressure things like that. Some kids are really dealing with Actual legitimate mental health issues and a lot of young people are looking for ways to cope with those things and I think it's really important to remind parents that If your kid is involved in using substance for whatever reason, make sure that you're getting them other kinds of help that they may need. You know, that it's really okay to go to a therapist to talk things out or to have a coach. You know, we just introduced a program called Mad Sports because not only are parents really influential in young people's lives, but there are other adults that really young people look up to. And it may be engaging those other adults in that kid's life who you know will be influential, a teacher, a principal you know, someone that a young person, you know, respects and really engages them and asks them for help. Some parents maybe feel uncomfortable asking for help or asking for assistance, but as your kid gets older, your young person gets older, you know, they are looking at other adults in their life. They are looking, they do have mentors. They are other people that they really look up to. And it's really important. It's, you know, there's this phrase, it takes a village. It's really important to engage all those trusted, you know, could be a member of the clergy, you know, it just depends could be an older family member even, that an aunt or an uncle or a cousin who can sit them down and talk to them and get to them in ways that maybe as a parent you can't. And that's really okay. Use all your resources. those would be just some of the things. But I do think continuing the conversation over time and bringing them back to remember some of these situations, making sure you're meeting your young person where they are, right, is really important. Dr. Cam (14:48.792) That is key. And while you're talking, I'm kind of like developing this plan or idea in my head that I want to run by you to see if this would work. Cause I want to give parents something really tangible here. So from what I'm hearing, if we're catching and we find out our kids are drinking, probably the not great way to address it is to like get harder, batten down the hatches restrict them from everything and just really get into that authoritarian, you can't do this mode. Because when we do this, we're not addressing why they're doing it and we're disconnecting from them even more, which means our influence is deteriorating even more. Instead, what I'm hearing is, let's go find somebody that they already trust, a coach, a teacher, a mentor, and talk to them and say, hey, I've heard this, is there any, you know, can you have a conversation with them? Then in the meantime, we step back and we start building our connection with them rather than breaking it more. I think with fear, we get this idea that we've got to do something right now. But when we get in that mindset, we make it worse. Do you agree with that? Stacey D. Stewart (15:55.77) I would definitely say even if you find other adults, again, our research shows that it's still parents who are the most influential. So it is a both and to your point. I think it's the parents really sitting down with kids and trying to, you know, build on that ability to have that open conversation. You know, some parents have different ways of doing it. Some parents talk about the, you know, the challenges they've had in life and how they you know, have confronted some of same things and how they had to deal with it or how they reached out. And to your point, and the point we're just talking about, and finding potentially other adults who can help reinforce those messages, but having that positive, open conversation that says, look, even if you're dealing with some things, there's nothing that's ever too big that you can't come to me, you can't come to somebody else, and we can get you the help you need. And just reminding people, reminding young people the consequences of all of their actions and decisions, you know. We've talked to so many young people who, you know, have regretted if they've been involved with a crash or they've injured someone or even killed someone. And they have to live with the pain of that over many, many years, not to mention the pain that that family has lost a loved one or had some loved one be injured or have some life altering, you know, outcome. What they're having to deal with, which is devastating. And so, you know, I think, again, we can't take it for granted. The other thing I would say just quickly is that I think a lot of young people do not understand, while MAD started as really primarily focused on alcohol, what we're seeing is a growing trend around what's called poly use, the combination of alcohol and substances. So with legalization of cannabis and commercialization of marijuana, It's really, really important. There are a lot of young people based on some of the surveys we've done who really take it for granted that you can be high in drive and it's okay. Some young people actually believe it helps you drive, that it makes you a better driver. And that just simply isn't true. If you're impaired in any way, whether it's due to alcohol, substances, or could even be prescription drugs, you have to be very careful about it. If you're impaired in any way, it really is important that you step back and, make sure that young people understand that if they're impaired, they should not be driving, that it's okay to leave the car where it is, take an Uber, call me, call a friend, but don't decide to do something that could result in something that's very serious. Dr. Cam (18:39.31) Stacey, what you were just saying too, I wanna highlight, because I think this is really important, is that you're finding a plan ahead of time. Because if we're expecting our teen to be in a state and then think logically about what the next safe thing to do and how to get out of that situation, they're not going to. So if you've got a plan ahead of time, rather than saying, don't do it, we're gonna say, we don't want you to do it. We're gonna be clear about that. But if you find yourself in a situation, even if you're not drinking, but your friend is, What can you do in that situation? Let's get the plan in place and let's talk about that plan over and over so it becomes really easy because our goal is to keep them safe, right? What do you think is a good plan to do set up with our team? Stacey D. Stewart (19:24.558) Obviously if your teen is going out to a party or going to friend's house, and if you can afford it and if it's available to you, taking rideshare to the destination and making a plan to, to take it back is, is always a good idea. And, know, if you feel like your teen, you know, might find themselves in situation where you think they'll be okay, but you're not quite sure, have a conversation and say, look, Just to be extra safe, why don't we go ahead and make a plan in advance? Or as a parent or adult, let me take you and pick you up now. lot of teens don't want that. They don't want their parents around anything. So ride share can be, Or make a plan to have the older sister or brother or someone who they are not uncomfortable with make that plan. think. Dr. Cam (20:05.742) I'm gonna come in and get you. Stacey D. Stewart (20:20.494) Sometimes coordinating with other parents on how maybe a group of them will make transportation plans is always really helpful. know, some teens may feel like this is a little intrusive, but I do think it's going to this place of reminding your kids, look, I care about you and I love you. And I just want to make sure you're safe. And I want to make sure that other people are safe. You know, I have had many of those conversations with my own children who are now 19 and 21. And so I've been through many years of dealing with some of these situations. And, you know, I think what I what our power parents information tries to give you is just that it's really important to make sure that you are responding to what your kids are feeling that you're listening to what your kids are experiencing. And maybe your kids will have a plan that they would like to offer of how they plan to get around safely. That's always a really good option. So that you're building their confidence and their ability to use good judgment to your point. Once they're impaired, it's really hard to make good judgments. That's for anybody, especially true for a young person. So the best thing is to not leave it to a debate or a default or an unknown. Go ahead and make a plan in advance. We have a partnership with Uber and Anheuser -Busch called Decide to Ride. It's really geared for more adults, but the theory is still the same if you're going to a football game, make a decision on how you're gonna get there and get home safely so that you're not putting yourself at risk or others. And the same is true, you know, as your kids start to, you know, go through teen years and are becoming more active socially and certainly into college as well. Dr. Cam (22:06.05) There's two points that came to mind while you were talking and this is so helpful just to hear it from somebody that's like knows all the data and knows all the facts, right? But I think the one thing is some parents will say, well, if I say, hey, here's what we're gonna do when you're drinking, I'm condoning drinking. What I've seen is that when we actually are saying that, our kids are less likely to drink because we've taken all the fun out of the sneaking behind. Teens have actually told me this. It's like when my parents understand and help me through it, it's no longer that desire. It's not as fun to do. And the other one is to have them involved in the decision and the plan, because if we just dictate a plan and it doesn't address their needs, like I'm gonna be embarrassed if I do that or they're not gonna do it. But if we involve them and we address what they need, it's much more likely that they're gonna follow through. Stacey D. Stewart (23:01.188) think parents to again, I want to underscore this point because there was a recent survey that just came out showing that there is a decline in alcohol use among young people. But in some ways, it's being replaced by other things again, being replaced by substances being replaced by social media and other kinds of things that are the young people are using to deal with some of the normal stresses, anxieties, worries, fears they have in life, right. And again, I think it goes back to that point of you know, they, you know, our young people are dealing with a lot, you know, even through the pandemic, think, we kind of take it for granted the kind of, emotional and mental impact that that had on everybody, but especially on young people. And a lot of young people are still dealing with the aftermath of that. It's, it's not, it's a, it's, these are very serious issues. So I think we have to just remind, ourselves that our kids are still pretty delicate. you know, in terms of their physical development, their emotional, mental, social, emotional development, all of that is very, you know, still at a very delicate stage if they're in middle school, high school, and especially. And so it's really important to be mindful of that. The last thing I just want to say about this too is that, and a lot of parents sometimes don't want to hear this, but I think it's important to say that because parents are so influential, again, it goes back to this point of it's sometimes this, Don't listen to my words, just watch what I do. And we are sometimes modeling the behavior that our kids pick up on. I was just recently with a friend of mine and stayed at our house for a few days. And she said, you know, I really regret the amount of social activity and coming home after work and the drinks and the wine and all of those things almost on a regular basis. What messages that was sending my own children. about the use of alcohol in the house. And I think we have to just be mindful. Of course, at MAD, we're never telling people not to enjoy yourself. And as an adult, you make decisions that you wanna make and you should. At the same time as parents, we have another role, which is that we influence our kids. And if you want your kids to be influenced in the best and most positive ways, not just don't be mindful just of what you say, but what you do think that becomes a very powerful message as parents of how we communicate and help our kids to be as healthy and as strong and able to make the best decisions possible as they grow older into adulthood. Dr. Cam (25:42.966) Yeah, that's incredibly powerful. I think when you're talking about how teens use substances a lot of times to deal with their mental health issues, right, to feel better, do adults. So when we're showing our kids that we turn to substances and alcohol to make us feel better, we're showing them that that's how they make themselves feel better. And I think we don't see ourselves when we do this as innately bad because we're drinking. So we need to avoid seeing our kids as being bad for drinking and rather going, why are they turning towards to this as a solution? And how do we together find a more healthy, safer solution? Stacey D. Stewart (26:27.876) Right. And what's the balance, right? I mean, no one's saying that, you know, drinking, having a drink every once in a while, or is an okay, or any other legal substance may not be okay every once in a while. It's more, you know, if it's on a regular basis, if it's a regular thing in the household, what kind of message is that sending to your point? And how could that be influencing them to make similar kinds of decisions in the future? actually could be dangerous, proved to be dangerous down there. Dr. Cam (27:00.268) Yeah, it's about using it as a coping tool rather than having a healthy relationship with it, right? Okay. So, Stacey, what is one thing that you really want parents to take away from this conversation? Stacey D. Stewart (27:16.726) I think the most important thing is parents are the most influential adults in their children's life and that there is a very important role that parents play to influence the behavior, the decisions, the way that your children grow and develop. Parents think about that in a number of ways. Parents get tutors for their kids to do well in school. They involve their kids in all kinds of after -school activities because they want other kinds of ways to enrich and develop their children. The kinds of things that parents, and I'm of a generation where issues around mental health and talking about delicate issues in the household weren't things that parents did a lot of, right? So I had to bear the brunt of not having some of the benefit of some of the resources that we're offering to parents right now. But I think it is a reminder that as parents, it is important to have those what might be seen or thought of as somewhat difficult conversations. What's even more difficult is if you don't have the conversation and that leads your child to make some poor decisions in their life that could hurt them or others. That's an even tougher situation and conversation. So the most important thing is make sure that you're proactively working with your young person to listen to them, to develop that positive parenting relationship with them to make sure that you keep those open lines of communication, to make sure that you're modeling the best behavior, to make sure that you understand that drinking and drug driving is still a major issue in this country. And unfortunately, it's affecting far too many young people, some of them even before they're even legally allowed to drink or use drugs. Therefore, getting to your young person as early as possible with these healthy conversations is really important. And that's what MAD is focused on to try to prevent impaired driving in the future, now and in the future. leverage our tools at madd .org. Our parents program is an evidence -based program. It's been peer reviewed. It's been studied. It has proven to work to help kids make better decisions and keep our roads safer. So that's the most important thing. Dr. Cam (29:34.284) That is fantastic. will link again to that. And I do really encourage people to look at it as a great, great resource. And thank you guys for providing that. think that's really helpful. So Stacey, thank you so much for jumping on and sharing with us. Yeah, it's wonderful. Stacey D. Stewart (29:46.404) Thank you. it's so great to see you. Absolutely. It's great to see you. Thank you for having me. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast provides expert advice and practical strategies for parents navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam, an adolescent psychologist, this podcast offers real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationships with their teens and support their emotional development. Each episode provides actionable tips that make parenting easier and more rewarding. #ParentingTeens #MADD #UnderageDrinking #ImpairedDriving #PositiveParenting

Aug 27, 2024

If you're struggling to connect with your strong-willed teenager and every conversation feels like a tug-of-war, you're not alone. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with parenting expert Kirk Martin, founder of CelebrateCalm.com and host of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Together, they share practical and actionable strategies to turn defiance and power struggles into calm, productive conversations. You'll learn how to motivate your strong-willed teen, build a trusting relationship, and navigate these challenging years with more peace and understanding. Tune in to discover how changing your approach as a parent can transform your family dynamic and empower your teen to be their authentic self. Don’t miss out on these game-changing tips! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to Build a Close, Trusting Connection with your teen to motivate them without using control or manipulation. Why Parents Should Focus on Changing Themselves instead of trying to change their teen's behavior. The Power of Bonding by sharing interests with your teen and asking them to teach you something they’re passionate about. How Releasing Parental Expectations can help your teen embrace their authentic self and take ownership of their actions. The Importance of Normalizing Teen Challenges by understanding that their behavior is often a reaction to their environment, not an attack on you. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If you found this episode helpful, don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode with friends and family, and leave a rating and review to help other parents discover the support they need. Your feedback helps me continue creating episodes packed with practical tips for families just like yours! Thanks for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Don’t forget to Follow so you never miss another episode filled with solutions that make parenting teens easier! 🙌 TOP 5 TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Self-Reflection Is Key – Parents should focus on changing their own responses and mindset instead of trying to change their teen’s behavior. This shift can lead to better communication and fewer power struggles. Empathy Over Control – Building a strong relationship with your teen starts with understanding their world, not trying to control it. Listening and empathizing is more powerful than imposing rules. Bonding Over Shared Interests – Find common ground with your teen and engage in activities they love. Asking them to teach you something is a great way to build connection and show respect for their expertise. Release the Pressure – Let go of strict expectations about who your teen should be. Empower them by recognizing their natural gifts and talents, which fosters confidence and independence. Mentors Are Essential – Outside mentorship can provide your teen with additional support and guidance that may be more effective than what you can offer as a parent. Encourage them to seek out these valuable relationships. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Calm Parenting Podcast EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction: Effective Strategies for Motivating Strong-Willed Teenagers 01:22 Kirk's Backstory: How to Transform the Parent-Teen Relationship 03:12 Self-Reflection in Parenting: Why Changing Yourself Helps Your Teen 06:25 How to Build a Strong Connection with Your Teen 09:44 The Power of Listening: Acknowledging Your Teen’s Voice 12:55 How to Work with Parents to Facilitate Positive Change 17:21 Motivating Your Teen: The Importance of Releasing Parental Expectations 20:37 Empowering Teenagers: Helping Them Discover Their Authentic Self 21:13 Building a Strong Emotional Bond with Your Teenager 25:37 Identifying and Creating Opportunities for Your Teen to Shine 30:51 Normalizing the Challenges of Raising Teenagers 37:15 How Social Media Affects Teen Behavior: Understanding the Impact CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kirk Martin Website: CelebrateCalm.com Instagram: @calmparentingpodcast Facebook: @CelebrateCalm CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.646) Hey parents, if you're struggling to get through to your strong-willed teenager, feeling like every conversation turns into a battle, you're not alone. Today we're diving into three ways to motivate strong-willed teenagers. I'm joined by a special guest who's a game changer in this area, Kirk Martin. Kirk is the founder of CelebrateCom.com and host of the Calm Parenting podcast. He’s mastered the art of transforming defiance and power struggles into productive conversations. Today, he’s going to share practical strategies to not only get our teens to listen but also build a close, trusting relationship with them. Kirk, welcome to the show. Kirk (00:42.332) Dr. Cam, I'm super excited to be here! Dr. Cam (00:44.874) Yes, this is great. Let's start with your backstory. What inspired you to start working with parents and their teenagers? Kirk (00:53.02) Our own son. Our son, Casey, came out of the womb with boxing gloves on – that kind of strong-willed kid who fights you over everything. Like most parents, I parented like my dad did: fear and intimidation, yelling, and screaming. But with a strong-willed child, you know this – they’re fight-or-flight kids. You double down on your discipline, and your strong-willed child will push back even harder. Dr. Cam (01:22.375) Exactly. Kirk (01:23.644) So, I spent the first seven or eight years of his life trying to change him, thinking, "He just needs to listen to me." But then I realized, no, I need to change myself. I was yelling at my son, telling him to calm down, when inside, he was probably thinking, "Apparently, you haven't mastered that skill at 35!" Everything changed when I changed. I stopped feeding off my anxiety, control issues, and perfectionism as a parent. Then, we did something a little weird that my wife hated. I said, “I have an awesome idea—let’s bring in strong-willed kids, kids on the spectrum, into our home for something called Lego camp.” The idea was to teach impulse control, emotion regulation, and social skills in real-life situations, not in an office. And all the kids came, not knowing they were being worked on. It was kind of like play therapy, but outside of an office setting. We did that for a decade, and over 1,500 kids came through our home. That’s the backstory. Eventually, we started speaking, and I shifted from working with kids—which was the easy part—to working with the parents. You know this, Dr. Cam: we, as parents, bring so much baggage into it. But when I changed, everything shifted in the family dynamic. Dr. Cam (03:10.34) I love that. And I love how it started with your self-awareness because that’s the key to all of parenting—the ability to stop and ask, "What’s my part in this dynamic?" If we focus on changing our teen, nothing will change unless we're willing to change ourselves. Kirk (03:30.684) Yeah, that’s true. You know, when you're looking at that middle school child who's been in the same hoodie for 18 straight days, playing video games, and you start thinking, "Who’s going to marry this kid? Who’s going to hire this kid?" You start lecturing them, pointing out everything they're doing wrong. Dr. Cam (03:32.302) So, what’s the problem with that approach? Kirk (03:57.924) Eventually, they shut down or say, “Screw you” inside, thinking, “You're never happy with me.” The good news, though, is if our success as a family depends on changing our spouse or child, we’re in trouble. We can’t change another person. But if it depends on changing ourselves, we’ve got a shot. When you change yourself, it actually changes how your kids respond to you. Dr. Cam (04:32.164) 100%. And when you started working with parents, my whole philosophy is the same. Teens won’t change unless we work with the parents. Once the parents change, the teens usually come along, too. So let’s talk about that typical teen—the one wearing the hoodie, hiding in their room playing games, and giving one-word responses when we ask about their day. A lot of parents take that very personally. They feel like their teen is pushing them out of their life, so they try to insert themselves more and more. Or they demand that their teen come down and spend time with them, regardless of whether the teen enjoys it. Why don’t these approaches work? Kirk (05:27.516) Well, kids—especially teens—are supposed to be independent, right? It would be weird if a 15-year-old said, "Mom, I’d rather spend time with you than my friends." That’s the normal stage for them. With strong-willed kids, the more you push, the more they resist. For me, it’s about drawing them to me and leading. For example, when our son was a teenager, if he brought something up, I would think, “I have this lecture in my head about how to choose friends.” But instead, I’d say, “Hey, Casey, I have some thoughts on that, but I need to get started on dinner. I’ll be in the garage, and if you want to come chat later, I’d love to share.” I wasn’t forcing it on him. They won’t come to you and say, “Dad, you have so much wisdom, I’m ready to hear it.” They’ll probably say, “Okay, what are your dumb ideas?” But I don’t take it personally. Any positive interaction is a win. It’s all about resetting expectations. Dr. Cam (07:14.306) Yes! That’s such a great point. And honestly, that’s a sign of healthy development. It’s normal for a teen to be a little sassy. Kirk (07:18.908) Right! It would be strange if they weren’t a little sassy at 13 or 16. There’s a difference between normal sass and outright defiance. If they’re calling you names or saying, “I hate you,” that’s a different issue. But the normal sass is just part of growing up. Dr. Cam (07:39.902) Exactly. What I’ve seen is that the more extreme attitude often comes after a lot of normal sass and being shut down or punished for it. They get frustrated when their normal attempts at independence aren’t accepted. Have you noticed that? Kirk (08:07.164) Yeah, Dr. Cam, do you agree with this? When they’ve crossed that threshold into anger and frustration, it’s almost like they’re crying out, “I’ve been trying to tell you this, but you’re not listening.” They’re not mature enough to say, “Dad, you haven’t adjusted well to my new independence. Can we talk about this?” So it just comes out in anger. Does that sound right? Dr. Cam (08:41.546) It's a hundred percent, and that's what the teens tell me all the time. Several of them have actually tried saying not exactly the words you've used, but have tried saying that and gotten shot down. Like, "You're being disrespectful telling me what I need to do." Right? And so teens don't have a voice. Even if they see this and ask for something to be changed, they don’t get heard. They get shut down, and that being shut down a few times leads to this: "I don't care anymore. If you're going to make my life miserable, I'm going to make your life miserable." And I see a lot of that. Kirk (09:18.554) And they'll win at that because the strong-willed kids don’t care about consequences, right? So you’ll be like, “Well, I’m going to take away all your video games,” and they’re like, “Fine. I will literally sit in my room and stare at the wall.” Then the parents are going to freak out. It’s not about winning in that situation. So, good. Yeah, I found people of all ages want to be heard. And it doesn't mean we have to endlessly listen to every little complaint—not that. But most of our teenagers, they're really bright kids, right? And I always tell parents, “Listen, they’re trying to tell you something.” It doesn’t mean you give in, you don’t buy them everything they want, not that. But when they do bring something up, I like the more humble approach, which is saying, “Hey, I need to apologize to you because I think I’ve spent the last five, seven, 13 years just lecturing you and just talking all the time, and I haven’t really listened.” And if you start listening, well, then they’re gonna come to you too, right? They might spend like seven minutes with you instead of a minute and a half at night. So, right? 'Cause I’m always with teens, I’m like, “Take any opportunity you can.” Because typical teenage life, to me, is—especially during the school year—they come home, they don’t want to talk about school. By the way, can I share this one? Kind of a cool idea. So the strong-willed kids that we work with, they’re not always great at school. They’re really smart, but they’re not. So asking them after school, “Hey, how was your day at school?” It’s like, “Hey, how was that day at the place that you don’t have a lot of friends, you’re bored?” Yeah, it sucks. What else do you want to know, Mom? Right? And then the next question is, “Well, do you have any homework?” “No, I got it all done in study hall.” And they just lied to you. Dr. Cam (10:44.206) Yes, please. Kirk (11:12.016) That afternoon time after school, when you ask about their day, it sounds like an interrogation to them because it’s filled with our anxiety. "How did you do? How did you do on that test?" Because I need you to do well on that test so you can get a good grade, so you can get into the right college, so you can get a good job, so you can get that. So after school, sometimes, complete silence at times can be really wonderful. And if you want to have a conversation, this is really cool to say: “Hey, you know what? Something happened to me today at the post office, at work, or in the political world. I’m curious, what would you do if you were in my situation?” And now you switch it from interrogating them about their day to listening to their ideas about your day. It’s a really cool thing to get them to open up. Dr. Cam (12:02.432) It is amazing, and I want to throw in there too that parents will listen to this and then they’ll go do it. They’ll ask exactly what you just said, and their kids will be like, “I don’t care.” So the reason I say this is because it’s not something that you can just snap and go, "Okay, I’m going to change my approach today," and they’re immediately going to change their response. That does not happen, right? What can parents... Kirk (12:25.372) No, it’s immediate, Dr. Cam. All you have to do is one time, and then they should... I’m kidding. No, of course, yeah. Well, by the time you get to the teen years, you’ve had at least 13 years, especially the kids we work with. I mean, they’re in trouble from the time they’re little. They’ve developed a defensive kind of shield around their heart. They’ve been in trouble a lot. It’s going to take time. And I always encourage parents: I’m after the really long game. Dr. Cam (12:30.052) Exactly. And everything changes. Kirk (12:55.26) I’m after these kids bringing their grandkids to you, right? Because, you know, you work with these families. Sometimes the relationship has been severed and hurt for 13 or 14 years. So I play the long game. And so, look, you change... anyway, I want you to change, not because you’re hoping for a result, but just because it’s the right thing to do, right? And it will bear fruit. It sometimes just takes time. Yeah, so do it a few times and don’t be discouraged when they say, “I don’t know.” I tried your method and he said, “I don’t know.” I’m like, okay, because he’s waiting for you. He’s going to say something, and then your next question is going to be, “So how was school today? Did you get your homework done?” Like, you know what... An apology, I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older, apologies and praising kids are all just statements of fact. “Hey, I want to apologize because for the first... Dr. Cam (13:35.549) It’s a trap. Kirk (13:52.572) Thirteen years of your life, I think I’ve sent the message that you’re not capable of being successful. I’ve micromanaged you. I lecture you. I’m always on you about your room, your hygiene, all of this. And that’s about my own anxiety. I want to apologize. It’s not groveling. I don’t want to say, “I’ve been such a bad parent.” It’s just an acknowledgment of truth—that’s the way I’ve done it. And I can imagine that’s made you feel... and then you fill that in. Like, “You could never please me.” That was mine with my son. “Hey Casey, it’s like you could never please me because I’m never really happy.” Right? I’ll say like, “Hey, good job, but...” So when I started having these discussions with him, he never looked at me and said, “Dad, that’s so meaningful to me that you would acknowledge that.” Not in the moment, but I could see it was like, “My dad’s getting it now.” And it was connecting with his heart, and it slowly began to shift our relationship. Dr. Cam (14:55.854) Yeah, I think that is so beautiful because we need to shift our focus not from getting the response we want from our kids. Because we’re setting them up to fail and us to be disappointed. But setting it up so that we are showing up the way we want to show up for them consistently and without expectation of how they’re going to respond. And I think that expectation is very difficult to manage. Kirk (15:26.524) That’s good, Dr. Cam. That’s good. We could end it right there. Boom. No, that’s the hard part. But that’s the same as it is for, you know, a three-year-old. It’s like, “Well, when’s my toddler going to start to get some self-discipline?” I’m like, “She’s not 40, okay?” Like, they’re developing. So yeah, I’m with you on that. You do the right thing, and the really great thing, which I know you’ve found is... Dr. Cam (15:29.884) Right there, mic drop, boom. Kirk (15:55.534) It changes you as a person. All that anxiety—it affects every relationship. And now, especially in the teen years, moms and dads, you've done a good job with your kids, right? If you're listening to a parenting podcast, you're a good parent. The bad ones aren’t tuning in. You've done everything. You've given every lecture, hopefully modeled things well. So now, throw that extra energy into changing yourself. You don’t need to make sandwiches anymore, you have more time. It will free you to enjoy the rest of your life, and your kids will see that. They’ll watch and say, "I just saw my mom or dad change right in front of my eyes." That’s the biggest lesson you could give them. Dr. Cam (16:52.034) Yeah, it's amazing when we do that. But I know parents are still thinking, "Okay, you’ve said if I listen and change, I’ll see results, but how do I get my teen to do what I want?" They want their teen to get up and do something. If their kid stays in their room all day, not motivated, they’re worried, “How do I put fire in their belly?” Kirk (17:41.66) You can’t put fire in their belly. That’s step one: You can’t do it. Parents, you’ve tried rewards, money, bribery. You’ve tried every consequence and punishment. It’s been 15 years, and none of that worked. So realize, you can’t do it for them. Dr. Cam (17:43.62) Thank you. Kirk (18:11.844) Building your connection with them is the most important thing you can do. Bonding over something they’re interested in is key. I know as a dad, I used to think, “Let me get my son interested in what I like.” My son was super into cars, and I hated cars. But every Saturday, we went to a dealership to look at cars and test drive them. It was agenda-free time. I wasn’t allowed to make dad analogies—no "life is like a car" talk. We just enjoyed each other. Try to enjoy your teen. Smile at their attitude. They’re smart kids, and sometimes their comments are disrespectful, but clever too. I’d think, "That was really disrespectful, but well done." They’re smart. Another idea for strong-willed kids: Ask them to teach you something. You’ve spent their whole life telling them what to do, but let them teach you something. Ask them to help with technology. My son helped me, and it gave him a sense of agency—he wasn’t the little boy anymore. You also have to fight the anxiety. Your kids will change. Look, I was a dopey 15-year-old. If you looked at me back then, you’d think, "How is this kid going to succeed?" They grow and change. But I promise, the sooner you release them—say, "I release you to be who you are, to be the person you’re supposed to be"—that’s powerful language. Dr. Cam (20:34.564) That’s really powerful. I love that. Kirk (20:37.702) Can you talk about that for a minute? Because you’re good at this with teens—releasing them. Dr. Cam (20:44.58) From the teen perspective, they spend so much time trying to get approval from their parents. They end up disregarding who they are to meet their parents' expectations. So they start doubting themselves, not having the confidence to make decisions or share their opinions. This causes them to shut down. When we release them from our expectations, it’s like cutting the cord. A lot of parents see their kids as an extension of themselves, which is why they try to control them. But if we see our kids as separate people, our role is to adapt to their needs. Kirk (21:52.656) Dr. Cam, that’s awesome. If you do that, then my second step would be this: For the next week, affirm everything your child is already doing well. Just relentlessly. "Hey, nice job with that." With strong-willed kids, keep it short and sweet. "I saw how you handled that. You’re growing." Don’t expect long thank-yous. Praise the small things, like when they bring their plate to the sink. It’s easy to get irritated by the typical teen behavior—leaving the fridge open, eating snacks, leaving trash around. But when they do something good, even small things, acknowledge it. Simple stuff like, “I really love hearing your perspective.” No need for long speeches. Dr. Cam (23:29.702) It’s so uncomfortable. Kirk (23:48.154) Here’s something fantastic: If your kids play video games, recognize the positive traits they show. I hated video games. I wanted my son to be outside, but I realized when he played, he was goal-oriented, persistent, and a leader. I said to him, “I’ve noticed you’re really motivated and persistent when you’re on your video games. When you find your vision in life, you’ll use those qualities to crush it.” And then I gave him a fist bump and walked out. Dr. Cam (24:12.452) That’s great! Kirk (24:15.704) It’s about recognizing the good qualities they already have. Strong-willed kids may only do the bare minimum, but affirm their progress. If I could give you one more tip: Help your kids use their natural gifts, talents, and passions outside the home. The neurotypical kids get praise for being good at school, but our strong-willed kids often don’t excel in the typical school setting. Outside the home, they can shine. Dr. Cam (24:52) That’s huge. Kirk (25:00) Let them use their gifts in other settings. And third, hold them accountable to another adult. Other adults see things you might not. They can hold your kids accountable in ways you can’t. For example, if your kid loves soccer but struggles with school, find a coach who could use their help with younger kids. This external validation, from someone else, can be powerful. I had a mom ask me about her teenage daughter with a bad attitude. I asked, “What does she love doing?” The daughter loved soccer and was great with little kids. I suggested she help out at a local soccer practice. The daughter was thrilled, and it gave her a sense of purpose. It worked because the recognition came from someone outside the family. That’s the key—find a way to connect your kid’s passions with real-world opportunities. Dr. Cam (27:56.94): Yeah, that's a big difference. That right there separates whether it's going to work or not. Kirk (28:02.78): Yeah, so arrange that. They'll do it for someone else because they like pleasing others, just not you. So this girl, Rebecca, goes out on Tuesday night. She's in her environment, around little kids, and loves soccer. At the end of practice, she gets hugs from 12 little girls. When she comes home, does she have attitude? No, because her gifts were drawn out of her, and she had a purpose, something she was good at doing. The coach said, "We’ve got a game Saturday morning. Could you help out?" Of course, she’s there. After the game, two sets of parents came up to her and said, "Look, we don't know who you are, but our daughters never stopped talking about you. They're struggling in school. Would you consider tutoring them?" Not knowing that Rebecca hadn’t done schoolwork in years. But now, she has a reason to do it—because she wants to help these little kids. The key is to discover what motivates your child, not what motivates you. As parents, we might be motivated by school because we were good at it and got attention. But maybe your child isn’t good at school. You need to discover what motivates them. The coach told Rebecca, "If you're going to work with these little kids, I better not hear from your mom that you're mouthing off. You better keep a B average if you’re going to help me because I’m looking for a leader." Now, Rebecca has something to work for. We often do this with kids who are good with animals. Get them volunteering at a veterinarian's office. The vet might say, "You've got a gift with animals. You could be a vet one day." And that’s the first time someone has told that child they could be a veterinarian. Everyone else is focused on their grades and bad behavior. But the vet sees the gift. That’s when the child comes home and says, "Mom, I want to be a veterinarian." And mom’s thinking, "I’m not sure you're even making it out of middle school," but now they're motivated. So I’d encourage you to find their mission and a mentor. A mission they can throw themselves into. Dr. Cam (30:51.438): Yeah, that's the beauty of having your own podcast. You can go as long as you want. Kirk (30:52.086): I’ll give you one more, and I’m sorry for dominating the conversation. You know who’s really good with teenagers? Older people. Find an older couple in your neighborhood and have them reach out to your teenager. Ask them for help with something they can’t do anymore. Your teenager walks in, and they’re going to love on them. They miss having kids around, and they’ll teach them about life. Your teens will come home saying, "Yeah, I like the Robinsons down the street. They said that I'm really good at X." And then, just send them to do their homework, and they'll spend a lot of time with that old couple. It's a really effective strategy for teens. Older people are very grounding for teens. They've been through hard times, and they don’t carry all that anxiety. They can reach into a teenager's heart in a way that other people can’t. They'll say, "I remember what that was like," even if it was back in 1947. There's something beautiful about that. Dr. Cam (32:19.78): I really, really love that. And I think it's beneficial for both sides because the couple probably loves having that younger energy too. But having someone who has no agenda, who can purely see the child’s heart and authenticity, and just be okay with whatever that is—it's priceless. When teens act out, it's a cry for exactly that. That’s why they have attitude. They're not just being nasty for the sake of it. It's not like they all meet online and say, “Let’s be mean today.” They’re reacting to their environment. If they're reacting poorly, that means the environment isn't giving them what they need to thrive. That’s not their fault. Kirk (33:20.925): Preach it. I love that. I can tell you're passionate about it because it’s true. You begin to control your own anxiety, affirm them for what they're doing well, and then put them in situations where they can help little kids, work with animals, or be around older people. You’ll see a subtle shift. But be patient. They're fighting 13, 15, 17 years of a different way. So go slowly with it. It’s a cool process. My number one piece of advice is to enjoy your teenagers. Enjoy a little bit of that attitude. Enjoy their energy. Ask them about their friends. They’ll talk inappropriately, of course, and sometimes just laugh. You might think, “That’s inappropriate,” but it's actually spot-on. Like, "Sarah’s mom is a little like that." You’re right. Dr. Cam (34:18.744): Yeah. And I think it’s also about accepting their language. Just because they don’t use our language doesn’t mean it’s disrespectful. I see so many people complaining about their kids calling them "bro." But that’s actually a term of endearment. For them, it’s not disrespectful—it's them being chummy. Parents get upset, but it’s just their way of connecting. Understanding their language can make a big difference. Kirk (34:40.93): It is. You can always look at it if they use it in a disrespectful way, right? But when they say, "Okay, bro," you can have some fun with it. The next time they ask for something, you can say, "Hey, it’s unfortunate, but your bro doesn’t have money and can’t drive. But your dad can." I did that with my son once. But you can have fun with it instead of saying, “When I was a kid, if I’d called my dad bro…” Right? That just means you're really old. Dr. Cam (35:13.928): It does! And I tell parents this all the time: You are not as amazing and perfect as you think you were. I can guarantee you drove your parents crazy too. Kirk (35:26.012): Yeah, I always tell dads, “Look, you were a dopey 8-year-old and a clueless 14-year-old. You were just trying to figure life out. They’re just trying to figure life out too.” I always tell parents, relax a little. It's like, yes, we have to train them, but remember—they're not 35 yet. Same with teenagers. They're not grown-ups yet. When it comes to toddlers, I tell parents, “Write a job description for a 3-year-old.” It's not to wake up, put on a suit, and be perfect—it’s to make messes, be curious, and explore. It's the same with teenagers. They’re not adults. But one other thing I’d throw in is normalizing the teen years for them. This is a weird time in life. There's no other time when you’re grouped in classes with kids your own age, listening to people talk about stuff you just don’t care about, and dealing with all the social stuff. As an adult, you get to choose so much, but right now, it's hard. So, if they feel awkward, they should. Because they are. Just don’t tell them that. Dr. Cam (36:27.074): Yeah, it's terrible. Kirk (36:47.18): Absolutely. Their hormones are out of control. They're not even in control of their own bodies, half the time. Their minds and thoughts are all over the place. It's a wonder how teenage boys can even pay attention in class when there's Instagram out there, with all those images they can see. Seriously. I mean, I don’t know how they get up in the morning and do anything. Dr. Cam (37:11.99): Exactly. It's true. Kirk (37:15.78): I didn't mean to be inappropriate, but as teenage boys, we had to sneak around to see pictures in a magazine. And now it's like, my Instagram feed is full of girls with no clothes on. Like that's a hard world to navigate. We didn't have this whole social media thing. It's hard for us as adults too—our friends are posting about vacations, and we’re left wondering, "How come we didn’t take that nice vacation?" Dr. Cam (37:44.342): Right? I’ll tell you, I see more pressure coming from parents based on what they see on Instagram and social media, which they then put on their kids because they say, "Well, look, all my friends' kids are doing this. So you need to do it too." Parents, you can't use your phone to judge your kids and what you see on their phones to judge them. That’s a hard thing. And I think the other thing—and I’m curious what your thoughts are on this—I personally am highly annoyed with how much emphasis is being put on social media and tech as the cause of mental health issues. I see it more as a symptom than the actual cause of the problem. Kirk (38:28.764): I agree. And this is where I’m not about guilt-blaming parents, right? I’m very honest with parents. I’ll say, "Hey, you're a freak in that area. You need to stop that." But if you have a really good bond and a trusting relationship with your child, and they’re doing some positive, constructive things—that’s my goal with the mission and mentor—let’s just start with something simple. Let’s just take them 30 minutes down to the Robinson’s house one day a week. If they’re doing that, then the outside pressures of social media won’t hit them as hard. They’re a little inoculated. But if they always feel like they can never please their parents, and everyone’s trying to make them be someone they’re not, then they’re much more susceptible to things like vaping and other risky behaviors. Focus on the connection. Stay close to your kids. And even if they just sit in their room and don’t get good grades, you have smart kids. Once they get a vision for their life, strong-willed kids often just do the bare minimum to get by all the way through high school. And you’ll think, "But you’re not doing this, or not doing that." But I’m telling you—it’s strategically brilliant. Dr. Cam (39:43.96): That’s right. They’re working smart, not hard. Kirk (39:46.588): Why would they do extra work to get grades they don’t care about? We told them, "In order to keep your screens, you have to maintain exactly a 79.3 average." And they’ll get a 79.3—not a 79.4. But why wouldn’t they do their best? Because they’re not motivated by it. Then, as they get a little older, gain vision, and take ownership of their lives, they turn it on. I’ll tell you, the strong-willed kids have it harder, but they’re not made to be kids. You put them in the adult world, and they crush it. Look, our son, Casey, was horrible as a child. He didn’t clean his room and was awful. But in the real world, which is what you’re raising them for—you’re not raising kids to be kids, you’re raising them to be adults—Casey crushes it. He’s just terrible at all the arbitrary kid stuff. And parents, cleaning their bedrooms? There’s a reason there’s a door. Just chill. You’re a freak. Own that. And by the way, if there’s a fire, they’ll be able to get out. That’s an excuse. Sit in the mess until it doesn’t trigger you. Dr. Cam (40:54.39): Yeah, I know. We are so on the same page, Kirk. I’m exactly the same way. I’ve got the messy room and I’m like, "Do not even leave that cracked open because it’ll give me heart palpitations." But it’s your space. It’s not my space. You deal with it the way you want to deal with it. I agree with everything you’re saying. I love that. So, Kirk, how do people find you? Kirk (41:13.638): You can look up the Calm Parenting Podcast. That’s the best way. We’re also at CelebrateCalm.com, but the Calm Parenting Podcast is the main one. You can email us if you have specific issues with teens or kids. Some of you probably have younger kids too—hopefully, more compliant, easy ones. But hopefully not. Because the strong-willed kids will change you and make you a different person. It’s awesome. So yeah, check out the podcast. Dr. Cam (41:48.576): I love it. Thank you so much, Kirk, for joining us today. I really appreciate you. You’re awesome. Kirk (41:51.142): Dr. Cam, you’re awesome. I can’t wait to send a lot of our teens directly to your podcast because your approach is so great. You’re chill, you’re not freaking out about stuff, and you’re really good at this. Thank you for what you’re doing. Dr. Cam (42:05.55): Thank you. Absolutely. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Aug 22, 2024

Helping your tween thrive academically isn’t just about grades—it’s about fostering motivation, independence, and a love for learning. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with JoAnn Schauf, founder of Your Tween and You, to discuss how parents can set their tweens up for success in school without constant battles over homework and grades. JoAnn, often called the Parent Whisperer, shares expert insights from her book Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween . She provides practical strategies to help tweens develop strong study habits, take ownership of their learning, and build confidence in their abilities. What You'll Learn in This Episode How to encourage motivation without nagging The best ways to help your tween set and reach academic goals Why focusing on strengths leads to better learning outcomes How to balance support and independence in schoolwork The role of technology in learning—and how to set boundaries 5 Key Takeaways for Parents of Tweens Collaboration boosts motivation – Involve tweens in goal-setting to help them feel invested in their education. Study habits matter more than grades – Focus on effort, organization, and progress rather than just report cards. Let them take ownership – Encourage problem-solving instead of fixing everything for them. Support, don’t micromanage – Guide your tween in developing independence rather than controlling their work. Praise the process, not just the outcome – Recognize hard work, consistency, and small wins to build confidence. Enjoying the Show? If this episode helped you, please share it with other parents! Also, don’t forget to leave a rating and review—your support helps more families find practical parenting strategies. 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss an episode packed with solutions! Resources Mentioned in This Episode 20% discount for new coaching clients through September 15, 2024 at YourTweenandYou.com Episode Chapters 00:00 – Introduction and Background 03:01 – Encouraging Motivation Without Nagging 08:05 – Setting Realistic Academic Goals 13:56 – Balancing Support and Independence 19:01 – The Role of Technology in Learning 24:54 – Focusing on Strengths Over Grades 31:48 – Helping Tweens Build Study Habits 36:50 – Conclusion and Book Recommendation CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: JoAnn Schauf Website: YourTweenandYou.com Instagram: @YourTweenandYou YouTube: Your Tween and You Facebook: @YourTweenandYou LinkedIn: JoAnn Schauf Connect with Your Host: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.762) Hello, parents of tweens and teens! As the new school year approaches, prepping our tweens for success is more important than ever. Today, we're diving into some of the biggest challenges parents face: balancing expectations, navigating social dynamics, and setting up accountability for academic success. Our special guest, JoAnn Schauf, is here to share expert insights. Often called the "Parent Whisperer," JoAnn is the author of Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween and founder of Your Tween and You , a resource dedicated to supporting, empowering, and inspiring parents. She’s here to give us valuable tips and actionable advice to help our tweens have their best school year yet. JoAnn, welcome to the show! JoAnn Schauf (00:48.354) Thank you so much! It’s so fun to be here. Dr. Cam (00:50.444) It is! I love starting with the backstory. What inspired you to help parents and their tweens? JoAnn Schauf (00:58.872) This has been building for a while. I was a school counselor when cell phones first became a big thing, and parents were tearing their hair out. It was already tough—tweens were hibernating in their rooms, and parents felt lost because they weren’t as involved in middle school as they were in elementary school. At one point, I had more parents in my office than students because they didn’t know what to do with technology. Then I realized—it wasn’t just technology. There were so many things parents needed help with. So, I thought, They need a book. They need tools and strategies to understand what’s going on with their tweens. That’s how it all started. Dr. Cam (01:49.976) Such a big need! By the time this episode airs, school will be even closer, and parents are already starting to panic. What are some of the biggest challenges they come to you about? JoAnn Schauf (02:15.054) Technology is a huge one. It used to be recommended to keep the family computer in a shared space so parents could monitor usage. Now, we’ve gone from that to handing kids a smartphone with unlimited access, and no one knew the rules. Parents didn’t grow up with this either, so there wasn’t any historical guidance. We had to write a playbook to help them figure it out. Dr. Cam (02:54.042) Yeah, what specific challenges are causing the biggest struggles? JoAnn Schauf (03:01.422) Everything from stranger danger to video game addiction to kids staying up all night texting. Sleep is critical, and if they’re on their phones all night, it affects everything. Parents need to take control, but we also need to think about our own screen habits. If we’re on our phones constantly, we’re not setting a great example. It’s easy to fall into the “do as I say, not as I do” trap. Dr. Cam (03:48.629) All the time. Exactly. JoAnn Schauf (03:51.118) One little device has completely changed how we function as a society. Dr. Cam (04:02.274) It really has. And parents often see it as a negative just because it’s different from how we grew up. A lot of school-related conflict comes down to two things: pressure to succeed and battles over phone use. Parents expect straight A’s in every subject, regardless of a child’s strengths or interests, and they want them off their phones completely during homework. But many kids actually use their phones to help with schoolwork—whether it’s researching online or FaceTiming a friend for support. When we take the phone away, we might be removing their learning tools instead of solving the real problem. How do we find a balance where kids can focus without constant battles over technology? JoAnn Schauf (05:22.318) The key is to avoid turning it into a battle. The moment it becomes a power struggle, no one wins. I encourage parents to collaborate instead of just laying down the law. Saying, “You can only use it from this time to this time, and it stays in the kitchen the rest of the day,” creates a feeling of distrust. The stricter you are, the more they’ll resist. A better approach is to invite them into a conversation: “School’s starting soon. You’ve had a lot of freedom with technology over the summer. Let’s figure out a plan together so we’re not constantly fighting about it.” Dr. Cam (06:01.442) Yes! That’s not just teens—that’s human nature. JoAnn Schauf (06:17.592) Exactly. This approach gives them a sense of ownership. Instead of laying down rules, ask, “How can we set this up so we both feel good about it?” That way, it’s a collaborative solution, not a dictatorship. Dr. Cam (06:31.866) I love that. But let’s be real—many parents interpret “having a conversation” as “I’ll tell you the rules, and you’ll listen.” Why doesn’t that work? JoAnn Schauf (06:50.926) Because tweens don’t want to be bossed around. They’re figuring out their identity, what they believe in, and how they fit into the world. Two things they crave most are independence and autonomy. If you just lay down rules, they’ll resist—even if they agree with you. It’s part of growing up. Dr. Cam (07:31.696) And if they do obey, they’re either miserable or sneaky about it. JoAnn Schauf (07:36.526) Right. That’s why parents need to gradually let go of control so kids learn to self-regulate. By the time they’re on their own at 18 or 21, they need to know how to manage their time, their responsibilities, and yes—their screen use. Dr. Cam (08:12.016) Many parents worry that if they don’t enforce strict limits, their kids will be on their phones 24/7 and their grades will plummet. What’s your response? JoAnn Schauf (08:30.668) Collaboration is key. Say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want your phone to be the source of constant fights. How can we make this work for both of us?” If they feel involved in setting the rules, they’re much more likely to follow them. Dr. Cam (09:03.354) Absolutely. Tweens and teens know their phones are distracting. Sometimes, they turn to them because they’re bored—not because they don’t care about school. Removing the phone doesn’t make homework more engaging. And not all screen time is equal. JoAnn Schauf (09:44.206) Exactly! That’s why it’s important to define what’s allowed and what’s not. Tell them, “These are the apps I’m okay with. Since I’m paying for the phone, I need to see what you’re doing on it.” They won’t love that, but it’s about safety, not control. Parents aren’t spying—they’re making sure their kids are safe and using technology in a healthy way. Dr. Cam (10:39.854): Yeah, so I think this is one of those fine lines you have to walk carefully because I agree with you. However, how we do it makes all the difference. If it's "This is my phone, I get to take it whenever I want," that’s hard because you gave it to them, and they’re having personal conversations with their friends. A lot of the kids I talk to have nothing to hide, but they feel responsible for keeping what their friends say confidential. I’ve had this experience with my daughter, where I said, "I want to look at this," and she got really upset. I asked, "What are you hiding?" It turned out she wasn’t hiding anything. I trust her, but she was worried about her friends. So I think how we handle the phone is important. I want to bring this back to academics because it’s really important. We want to create an expectation for school, but how do we do that so both we as parents and our teens are okay with it? If it doesn’t work for them, they won’t abide by it. JoAnn Schauf (11:58.028): Right, and communication is really important. When we listen to understand our kids, we get knowledge about how they feel, what they’re doing, and what their plans are. The connection comes from listening, not just from telling them what to do. If we’re always focusing on things they’ve done wrong, they won’t feel comfortable coming to us with issues, like if someone is bothering them at school. As parents, it's on us to build that connection, to talk in a way they feel heard and listened to. One thing I really like is giving your child a voice. For example, when we talk about grades, we can ask, "What grades do you think you can earn?" Instead of saying, "I want you to get A's and B's," ask, "What do you think you can earn in math?" If math is their strong subject, they might say, "I can get between a 95 and 98 in math, no problem." But if they hate writing and reading, they might say, "I don’t like language arts. An 88 sounds good for me." The key is setting realistic goals. We can’t expect them to get all A’s everywhere, but if we help them set achievable goals, they’re more likely to succeed. Before school starts, I suggest sitting down with your teen to talk about their goals. The goals should be theirs, not ours. Dr. Cam (15:14.468): Exactly. It’s also important to revisit those goals later in the year because it’s hard to set goals before they know the teacher, the class, or the workload. I’ve seen kids who do really well in elementary school but struggle in middle school because the work is tougher. The subjects become more specialized, and they realize, "I’m great in literature but not so good at science." Suddenly, they’re not straight A students anymore, and they think, "I’m stupid." They give up across the board. So I love your idea of helping them identify what they’re passionate about and where they need to work harder. If they love a subject, they’ll go all in. For the subjects they don’t enjoy, they still have to put in the effort, but they don’t have to be perfect. JoAnn Schauf (16:26.606): Yeah, and you’re so right about middle school. In elementary school, kids can often correct their mistakes to improve their grades. So, if they get a 78, they might redo it and end up with an 88 or 90. That can inflate their grade a bit because they’re getting second chances. Middle school doesn’t offer as many second chances, and the grading reflects that. This is a tough transition for kids, especially when they’ve been successful before. They think, "I was smart last year, but this year I’m not," and that can be a hard blow. Dr. Cam (17:17.024): I see this a lot. Kids' grades start to drop, and they think, "If I’m not getting straight A’s, I’m just not a straight A student anymore," so they give up. This is why focusing too much on the grade can be harmful. If the focus is on getting the grade, kids might do the least amount of work to get it, or even cheat. So, Joanne, let’s talk about how to motivate kids, especially in middle school. How do we help them develop intrinsic motivation without nagging? JoAnn Schauf (18:05.674): One way to do this is by focusing on the tasks that lead to good grades, not just the grades themselves. Ask them, "What time will you do your homework? How will you stay organized?" Many kids submit homework online but sometimes forget to turn it in. It’s about teaching them the building blocks of success: doing homework, turning it in, and staying organized. Without these skills, the grades won’t come. It’s important to reward the process. When they get their homework done on time or organize their backpack, celebrate that. It’s about them feeling proud of their effort, not about us saying, "I’m proud of you." Intrinsic motivation comes when kids recognize their own hard work and feel good about it. Dr. Cam (19:25.284): Yeah, and not trying to please us. I like the building blocks too because as parents, we often say, "Your grades are failing; you need to do better." And when I ask the kids, "What do you mean by 'do better'?" they don't know how to answer. Let's look at what's getting in your way. It's not that they're lazy; they just forget things, like turning in assignments. They don’t think about stuff like that at this age. So let's figure out a plan or try different strategies to see what works for them. I'm not going to tell you what to do because it might not work for you. What works for you to get your homework in on time? How can you remind yourself? JoAnn Schauf (20:13.326): Right. One helpful thing is for kids to realize they have to submit their homework at a specific time. Once they have a plan—doing the work at this time and submitting it at this time—it becomes a habit. All of these things—doing the work, writing it down, and turning it in—become habits. It’s so sad when kids do all the work and don’t get credit for it because they didn’t turn it in on time. They should get credit for their effort. Dr. Cam (20:49.658): Exactly, and I want to add something. One of the worst inventions, in my opinion, is the ability for parents to check grades every second of the day. I think it’s harmful for both kids and parents. Parents start owning the grade, and teachers don’t always update the grades on time. I’ve seen kids getting in trouble for their grades when the teacher hasn’t entered them yet. It creates so much unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations. I just wish it would go away. JoAnn Schauf (21:44.266): It really is crazy. Before this, kids had less stress because they didn’t walk in the door and hear, "Why did you get a C+ on that test? You studied so hard, you knew everything. How did that happen?" How can a kid even answer that? So, what I tell my clients is this: make a deal with your kids in the summer about what they want to earn and how their homework will look. Promise that you’ll never open the grade portal. Every week, sit down with them—maybe with brownies or ice cream, or go for a walk—and let them open the portal to show you their grades. When they see it, they can think, "No wonder I have an 82 in social studies. I forgot to turn in that paper when I was sick." Then, they’ll take ownership and ask the teacher if they can turn it in late. That’s what ownership looks like. Dr. Cam (22:56.934): I’m so glad you agree, Joanne. It’s all about ownership. I see it in the workplace too. People complain about Gen Z not having the right skills, but the problem is parents take so much ownership of everything that kids never learn how to do things themselves. We send them into the world with good grades, but they haven’t learned how to earn those grades on their own. JoAnn Schauf (23:26.956): Exactly. When we own something, we take care of it, right? You get a new car, new dishes, or new clothes, and you take care of them because you own them. That feeling of ownership is powerful for kids. When parents don’t let go, it’s scary for them. They think if they don’t manage everything, their kids won’t succeed. But the truth is, kids would probably do better without the constant nagging. Just ask them, "What are you going to do? How are you going to handle your homework?" Let them decide. If they say, "I hate math, but I’ll do it first to get it out of the way," that’s their plan, and it’s empowering. Dr. Cam (24:34.246): I love that one. "Go to the store and get this." JoAnn Schauf (24:39.362): Yeah, there’s always that, "Can you stop what you’re doing and go get this?" But again, it’s their voice speaking, and that’s powerful. Dr. Cam (24:43.878): It’s 100%. I’ve seen that with my daughter. She’s gone from having great grades to struggling, but she’s always taken ownership of it. Now, at 18, she manages everything herself. It’s amazing. She’s better at it than I am now. Dr. Cam (25:22.63): She’s had ownership her whole life, including the responsibility to fail. If things didn’t work out, we never punished her; we worked together to figure it out. Now, she can solve problems on her own, which is incredible. JoAnn Schauf (25:44.3): That’s awesome. You did a great job. Dr. Cam (25:46.852): I’ve been focused on that. But parents have a hard time letting go because of fear—fear of what will happen if they do. I want to put more fear into them about not letting go, because that’s scarier. If they don’t, their kids won’t have the skills they need. JoAnn Schauf (25:56.47): It’s true. JoAnn Schauf (26:10.21): When you mentioned middle school earlier, that’s a great time for kids to experience failure. Failure is an opportunity to learn. If a kid didn’t study for a test, there’s no punishment. Instead, we ask, "If you could do it over, what would you do differently?" They might say, "I would’ve started reviewing my notes earlier." This kind of problem-solving teaches them what to do next time. Dr. Cam (27:32.058): That’s great. JoAnn Schauf (27:32.658): I did a workshop for teachers about "second-tier learning"—learning from mistakes. I asked them, "When you hand back tests, what happens?" They said they just move on. I asked, "What about helping them learn from what they missed?" After that, many teachers realized how valuable it is to give kids that chance to learn from their mistakes. Dr. Cam (27:42.02): Yeah, it’s amazing when they can do that. And when they don’t fear failure, right? If they’re punished for failing, they’ll avoid it and hide it. But if they can solve the problem and learn from it, they won’t fear failure. They’ll be excited to try new things. JoAnn Schauf (28:11.936): Exactly. Trying new things is so awesome for middle school kids. Sometimes, parents just need a reminder that failing in middle school won’t keep them from getting into Harvard Law School. Dr. Cam (28:27.414): No, and getting into Harvard Law School isn’t a guarantee of a perfect life. Not everyone is made for Harvard Law. I think we need to focus on strengths too. Not all kids learn the same way. If they took a history test and didn’t do well, instead of saying, "Go study again," suggest something different—like watching a movie about it, reading a book, or playing a game. They could start learning in a fun way. My daughter, for example, if there’s a Broadway show about something, she’s all in. She knows everything about Hamilton , even if it's not totally accurate. So, let’s find ways to help them learn that works for them. JoAnn Schauf (29:20.782): That’s a great idea. Kids love learning from videos, and hands-on learners need something tangible to connect with. If they didn’t get something right, have them show you what it looks like. They might build a model. The thing is, kids rarely realize they’re a hands-on learner, an auditory learner, or a visual learner. Once they or their parents figure it out, it really helps them learn in the way that works best. Dr. Cam (29:53.956): Exactly. And going back to videos—many kids might not care about what they learn in school, but they’ll spend hours diving into YouTube, becoming experts in topics they care about. If they’re struggling in school, ask yourself: What are they interested in? Are they motivated there? If they are, your kid is already motivated. JoAnn Schauf (30:30.54): Right. I had four kids, and they were all different. One of them really struggled in school. He’s a great kid—outgoing, friendly, with tons of friends—but grades were never his thing. But he was an amazing hockey player, and he loved it. He did well in hockey, so I let him play, no matter what his grades were. My other kids thought it wasn’t fair that he got to play, even when his grades weren’t perfect. But I always told them: “You need to do what you’re good at. Let's celebrate what you’re good at.” That helped my relationship with him because he knew I understood his struggles in school but also wanted to support his love for hockey. Parents should think about other ways to measure a child's success, beyond just grades. Dr. Cam (31:47.802): I love that. We get so focused on grades, thinking they’re the only measure of success. But hockey has nothing to do with grades. Taking that away sends the message that anything else about them doesn’t matter. Plus, if they don’t have time for the things they love, they won’t have the energy or motivation to tackle the tough stuff, like schoolwork. I see this all the time—kids who enjoy nothing because it’s all work, and then they’re stressed and being yelled at to do their homework. It’s setting them up to fail. JoAnn Schauf (32:39.48): No, I agree. When I was a kid, I hated being yelled at. Dr. Cam (32:46.246): I still hate being yelled at. It’s just not fun. JoAnn Schauf (32:50.51): It’s so disrespectful. That’s something I try to help parents understand—that their tone of voice matters. When you’re about to lecture your child because their room’s a mess and grandma’s coming over, they already know if you’re going to listen or lecture after the first couple of sentences. They can shut you out and look like they’re listening, but they’re really thinking about something else, like a new song or a YouTube video. If you want to make a difference, your tone can’t sound like a lecture or “I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why.” That’s my least favorite. Dr. Cam (33:42.346): Right, because “I’m the parent.” But I think what’s hard is we perceive them not listening as disrespect, when really, they’re feeling disrespected and protecting themselves. It’s more about how we perceive it. JoAnn Schauf (33:57.326): Exactly, Dr. Cam. Dr. Cam (34:07.962): So, what are the top three things you want parents to take away from this episode? JoAnn Schauf (34:13.004): First, I want them to understand the value of their child’s voice. Listen to understand them. Second, set up accountabilities for success. Let your child decide their grade goals, and then go over their grades together. Open that portal and hear the stories behind the numbers. Like, “Mrs. Perkins didn’t get the copies made, so they didn’t have to take that test.” You won’t get that from just opening the portal. And third, focus on your child’s strengths. For example, my daughter loved animals—dogs, cats, turtles—she was friends with them all. In seventh grade, I suggested she volunteer at a vet’s office. She wanted to be a vet, but after a few weeks, she fainted while watching a surgery. She knew she wasn’t cut out for being a vet. But it was a powerful learning experience. She could still volunteer in dog rescue, but now she knew her limits. Helping kids find their interests and honing their skills is really important. Dr. Cam (36:24.302): When they’re moving toward something they’re passionate about, the motivation and drive are incredible. But if they’re dragging their heels, they’re probably not following their passion. JoAnn Schauf (36:43.404): Exactly. Thank you so much for having me on today. Dr. Cam (36:47.502): Thank you, JoAnn. I appreciate it. JoAnn Schauf (36:50.956): I just want to mention that I have a book called Loving the Alien: How to Raise Your Tween . Every chapter starts with a story every parent will relate to, followed by strategies and skills to make life with your tween much more enjoyable. Dr. Cam (37:14.426): That’s fantastic. I’ll put a link in the show notes so everyone can find it. Thank you again for joining us, JoAnn. It’s been a pleasure. JoAnn Schauf (37:21.826): Thank you, it was my pleasure. Have a great day About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parenting #tweens #academicmotivation #studyhabits

Aug 19, 2024

Turning 18 is a significant milestone that brings up a whirlwind of emotions for both parents and teens. Parents often struggle with how much to loosen their grip, while teens may have unrealistic expectations of complete independence. In this episode, I’m joined by Joanna Lilley, a renowned Therapeutic Consultant and Wellness Gap Consultant, who specializes in guiding young adults through this critical transition. Joanna shares valuable tips on how parents can prepare their teens for adulthood by teaching skills and responsibilities gradually, modeling the behavior they want to see, and creating opportunities for teens to practice independence. The episode also touches on the importance of letting go, trusting that your teen will figure things out, and how to approach the tough conversations about expectations. The key takeaway? Don't let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry—prepare ahead of time and have open, honest conversations with your teens. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to prepare your teen for adulthood by gradually teaching essential skills Why modeling behavior is critical for guiding your teen The importance of creating opportunities for teens to practice independence How to let go and trust that your teen will navigate challenges Why open conversations about expectations are essential for a smooth transition 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Gradually teach teens skills and responsibilities to prepare them for adulthood. Model the behavior you want to see in your teens. Create opportunities for teens to practice independence. Let go and trust that your teens will figure things out. Have open conversations with teens about expectations. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Success Is Subjective Podcast: Listen here EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 - Teens Turning 18: A Significant Shift 06:13 - Preparing Teens for Adulthood 09:19 - Teaching Skills and Responsibilities 14:56 - Letting Go and Focusing on Self-Care CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Joanna Lilley Website: www.lilleyconsulting.com LinkedIn: Joanna Lilley Facebook: Lilley Consulting LLC YouTube: Lilley Consulting on YouTube CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're tackling the significant shift when our kids turn 18. Teens are eager to embrace their independence. They're legal, right? But parents struggle with how much to loosen their grip, especially if they don't feel their teen is quite prepared yet to be an adult. So, it's a complex and challenging time to navigate. Joining us today is Joanna Lilley, a therapeutic consultant specializing in guiding young adults through this pivotal transition. Joanna is going to help us address our concerns about our teen's readiness for adult responsibilities and finding the right balance of support and freedom. Joanna, welcome to the show. Joanna Lilley (00:42.074) Thanks for having me. Joanna Lilley (00:50.202) Well, I’ll say this topic is pretty par for the course for me. What I enjoy about working with young adults is that they do have autonomy and agency, but there's still a significant level of dependence and skill building that's needed. I enjoy it because it’s the perfect storm of how do we collaborate in this transitional period of launching into adulthood? Dr. Cam (01:21.555) I love that, and I agree. It’s such a difficult thing to navigate for both teens and parents. It's funny, though, because when I work with a lot of kids—most of them are around 16 or 17—they envision that once they turn 18, they're completely independent. They think parents won’t have a say in what they do, and they’re free. Parents, on the other hand, think it's no different than when they were 16 or 17. As long as they’re under our roof, everything we say goes. When this time comes, those two very different views fuel a lot of conflict. So, let’s first talk about the teen's perspective. Why are they suddenly saying, “I’m free”—except for food, shelter, and all the things they still need from their parents? Joanna Lilley (02:18.778) I'm sure it has a lot to do with how they were parented and how involved their parents were in their lives. There needs to be balance. For young adults who feel like they were over-managed, they have this countdown until their 18th birthday, thinking, "Once I turn 18, I’m free!" But the reality is, as you said, they’re still very dependent on their parents. It’s a cognitive dissonance—their idea of independence versus the reality of needing support. Dr. Cam (03:06.547) Right. They see the freedom, but not the responsibility that comes with it. So, now let’s look at the parent's perspective. Why are parents often reluctant to let go when their kids turn 18? Is 18, other than being legally the age of adulthood, something parents should be concerned about? Joanna Lilley (03:36.794) There’s certainly a fear that once their child turns 18, parents will lose control or their advice will no longer matter. But the reality is, if they’re under your roof, if you’re providing food or paying for school, just because they’re 18 doesn’t mean you lose influence over what they’re involved with or how they’re cared for. As they launch into adulthood, there’s still a shift in parenting. Parents get very tunnel-visioned because they’ve been so involved in their child’s life. Then, when 18 hits, panic sets in. "Oh my gosh, I haven’t laid the foundation for everything they need before they turn 18." There’s a real fear that they don’t have the skills to survive in the real world. It also comes down to brain development—teens can make impulsive decisions. Parents worry about the choices their kids might make. It really depends on the parent-child dynamic, but most parents I work with are very involved, and when their child turns 18, they realize they may not have the skills to survive independently. Dr. Cam (05:33.459) Yeah, exactly. So, how do we start preparing our teens? Let’s be real—our number one job as parents is to prepare our kids to be independent, not to keep them dependent on us. I see some parents still wanting their kids to be dependent, or getting frustrated that their kids are still dependent when they’re old enough. How do we start preparing them to be independent but still want us, not need us? Joanna Lilley (06:12.954) I love the distinction between needing and wanting. We do want our kids to communicate with us, to call us and tell us what’s going on in their lives—not call us because they don’t know their social security number! There’s a lot of logistical information parents can start to infuse in their kids' lives. Things like scheduling doctor’s appointments, understanding insurance, medications, filling prescriptions, setting alarms, doing laundry. These are the basic skills they need to survive independently. We should start incorporating these into their high school years. If they’re not working, they can volunteer—teaching them consistency, routine, and responsibility. Just because they’re an adult doesn’t mean life is all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, adulting is often mundane and tedious. So, we need to take the shine off of adulthood and show them the real responsibilities that come with it. That way, when they turn 18, they won’t be let down by all the adult responsibilities that come with it. Dr. Cam (07:55.603) Right, and I can already hear some of my clients saying, “I would love to teach them these things, but they don’t listen. They don’t want to help around the house, and it’s just a constant battle.” How do we start teaching responsibility and these life skills if they’re resistant? Joanna Lilley (08:27.066) Such a great question. Well, first and foremost, keep listening to this podcast for tips on how to communicate better with your teen. There are also objective resources, like professionals, who can help—whether that’s putting a coach in front of your child or for you as a parent. It’s about learning the subtle differences in how to ask your teen to do things or how to invite them into these “boring” adulting tasks. We want to get them excited about it. If you communicate it as something that’s not just an obligation but a skill to help them become an adult, they might buy in more. And, honestly, there are professionals who can help you make those subtle adjustments in how you communicate. If your automatic response is that they’ll push back or refuse and it leads to an argument, then let’s shift that dynamic. The earlier you do this, the more prepared your teen will be by the time they turn 18. And as a parent, you’ll be in a better place with communication and your dynamic will feel more like a partnership. At that point, you’re not just parenting a child—you’re parenting an adult, and they’ll want to communicate with you, not because they need to, but because they want to. Dr. Cam (10:20.275): Yeah, I think that's so important, and getting there can be a struggle. One of the obstacles I see with a lot of parents is that we get very laser-focused on what our teen is not doing or what they're doing, and we think they just need to change. I keep reiterating to everyone: if your teen is not listening to you, if they're not respecting you, if they're resistant to anything you have to say, it's not your teen's fault. It's on you as the parent to change the dynamic. It's not about them needing to change, it's about you needing to change if you want to have the relationship you want with your teenager. That’s a difficult thing for people to accept. I’d love for you to speak to that a little, because I think one of the biggest obstacles we face as parents is thinking that if we change, it feels like they now have all the control, and we're changing for them, which doesn’t feel good either. Can you speak to that? Joanna Lilley (11:30.458): Yeah, I literally had a conversation about this just last week. Parents feel like they have no voice. There's a level of powerlessness that builds up over time, creating this dynamic where parents feel like they have no control over their 18-year-old. They're going to totally run the house. To answer your question, there are resources out there, like books or podcasts, that can help. But I think it's important to understand that having power as a parent doesn’t mean shifting to an authoritarian style of parenting. It's about knowing what’s in your control and what you can do for your child. It’s about inviting them to participate in the family system, rather than falling into the parent-child dynamic where the child feels picked on or targeted. Like you said, we often focus on the negative, and that creates a negative dynamic. Parents are frustrated, the teen is irritated, and everyone is just walking around angry. If parents can learn about power—where it comes from and how it can be a beautiful thing for a parent to maintain—it can invite consent for the child to show up and participate how they want to. Dr. Cam (13:20.243): Right, we can’t force things like respect, trust, or gratitude. Trying to force those things actually undermines what we're trying to do. Instead, if you see something lacking in your teen, rather than demanding it from them, increase how you demonstrate those qualities in your interactions with them and others when they’re around. That's how they’re learning. So, how do we model this as they turn 18? How do we ensure they have the skills to be decent and competent human beings? I think those are the two main things we worry about—are they going to be kind and competent? How do we model that in a way they’ll pick up on? Joanna Lilley (14:30.81): Well, it's not something that’s going to happen overnight. The earlier you can start leaning into this, the longer the runway you have to role model and for your child to observe and replicate. As far as being a decent human being, ideally, that apple falls close to the tree. If you’re a decent person, your child will likely follow suit. If you're angry all the time, that’s how your child will show up in the world. Parents need to focus on mindfulness, managing their anger, impatience, and how they respond to situations. The earlier you focus on that, the better. If your child can observe you handling emotions well, they'll learn self-awareness, which will help them bring joy and peace to the world rather than anger. In terms of independent skills, we need to teach those earlier. It’s about preparing them for the world. Dr. Cam (16:15.027): When our kids become more independent, we often struggle with letting go. It’s not just about our kids; it’s also about us wondering, “Did I do enough? Did I prepare them?” So how do parents start to let go, especially when they've been holding on really tightly? How do we shift into letting them go when we fear what might happen if they rely on themselves? Joanna Lilley (16:57.018): This is a hard one, but it’s something I share with all my parents. I tell them it’s not just about them turning 18—it’s about what happens if something happens to you. Can they step up and take care of themselves? It's a tough realization, but we need to set them up for independence. They might launch earlier or later, and that’s okay. I also want to point out that sometimes, even if you raise someone well, they might still make poor choices in your eyes. But those are their decisions, and you have to learn to accept that. To answer your question about letting go, parents who are very involved often feel like they’re running a full-time job—driving their kids, coordinating schedules. When the child leaves, there's suddenly free time, and parents wonder, “What do I do with all this time?” I actually encourage parents to start thinking about what interests them before their child turns 18. Find activities you’re passionate about so that when your child leaves, you already have something to focus on. Letting go is easier when you’re doing things that are fulfilling to you. You've spent 18-plus years caring for someone else, so now it’s your turn to focus on yourself and trust that you’ve prepared your child to take care of themselves once they're over the age of 18. Dr. Cam (20:16.179): Yeah, I think that's so important, and I love that. I tell parents the same thing: Get your own life . This is exciting for you! It's time for you to find new things, and your teens will thank you for it. They always do. They’ll thank you for not having all your attention on them because that’s way too much pressure, and they don’t want it. But I think when we’re letting our teens go, it’s important to realize that they’re going to make mistakes—sometimes really big ones. There’s nothing we can do to prevent that. And it's okay because we make big mistakes all the time, right? The goal is for them to be able to make mistakes and think, I want to go talk to mom and dad about that, rather than Oh my God, I need to hide this from mom and dad because they’re going to be so pissed off. Joanna Lilley (21:09.658): Yeah, I think the one thing I would add here is that it’s not just about parents going out and having fun for themselves. The lesson here is that your child will realize you’re not available 24/7 to help them. So, let’s say you're playing pickleball with friends and away from your phone for three hours, and your kid is blowing up your phone because they needed you during that time. Well, you weren’t there to soothe them or provide whatever information they needed, so they had to figure it out on their own. That’s a great life lesson for them. Hopefully, it wasn’t an emergency, but it teaches them how to self-soothe. If your number-one lifeline is no longer available to them, they have to figure it out, brainstorm, critically think. They’re learning how to be interdependent, not just dependent. It’s an important skill for young adults. Dr. Cam (22:31.251): Yeah, I think that’s an essential message for parents. One thing I’ve noticed with my own daughter is that when I’m in the vicinity, she regresses into this little kid who depends on mommy. But when I remove myself from the situation, she handles it just fine. She doesn’t regress, and she steps up, feeling like the adult. There’s not only the idea of removing yourself so they need to figure it out, but also removing yourself so they don’t fall into that "mommy, you take care of it" mode, which is very instinctual to do, right? When they start succeeding and figuring things out on their own, that’s where their confidence and resilience build because now they know they can handle it. That’s so cool. What else do we need to know as parents of kids who are becoming of age and legal? Where does our responsibility start to shift, and where does it stop at this point? Joanna Lilley (23:45.178): I think the priority area where I still see a lot of parental involvement is with insurance. Since many insurance policies allow young adults to stay on their parent’s insurance until age 26, there’s an extended period of care that just exists. Does that mean every 18-year-old should wait until they’re 26 to find a full-time job? Absolutely not. But that lifeline exists. I see parents having a hard time letting go of this. For example, in medical care, mental health care, or anything covered under insurance, I see parents really struggling to let go. But everything else depends on the family situation. It depends on the parents, the young adult, where they are geographically, and culturally what the family believes an 18-year-old should be doing—whether it’s living at home, going to college, or working full-time. That varies. But the one thing I see parents really holding onto, no pun intended, is insurance. Dr. Cam (25:05.299): Yeah, that’s a big one. It’s tough when you’re paying for it, and you don’t want them making decisions that will increase costs. But maybe that becomes a consequence instead—if they make decisions that increase the costs, they’ll have to cover the difference. It’s hard because we often have this clear vision of what our kids should or shouldn’t be doing, and we try to control that, but it’s not ours to control. That’s really difficult for us to accept. They are completely different human beings with their own path. I always ask parents, How would you feel if your parents were still telling you daily what you should or shouldn’t do? We wouldn’t like it. At all. Joanna Lilley (25:55.994): Hahaha Dr. Cam (26:01.619): Alright, what’s one big takeaway you want parents to have from this episode, Joanna? Joanna Lilley (26:09.306): The biggest takeaway is to not let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry. It’s just a date. Let it come, let it go, but prepare ahead of time so that date doesn’t create animosity or fear. Don’t give space to it. Dr. Cam (26:38.611): I love that. And I think adding to that, it’s important to talk to your teen about their expectations when they turn 18 to see if you’re on the same page. That way, you can get to that stage together instead of both landing there and thinking, We are so far apart right now. How can people find you, Joanna? Joanna Lilley (27:03.546): The best way is on my website, www.lillyconsulting.com . You can also check me out as a host on the podcast, Success is Subjective. Dr. Cam (27:14.931): I love it. I was on it—great podcast. Joanna, thanks so much for joining us today. I really appreciate you. Joanna Lilley (27:23.162): Thanks again for having me! About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #TeensTurning18

Jul 2, 2024

Parenting teens is a tricky balancing act—nurturing your child while letting them go. Every parent hopes their teen grows into a confident, capable adult who makes good choices and chases their dreams. But there's always the fear of them making big mistakes or getting hurt along the way. Esther Joy Goetz, author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community, is here to help us navigate this challenge. Esther's insights will empower you to find that balance between nurturing and letting go, while focusing on long-term, healthy relationships with your teens. She’ll also share what inspired her to create the Moms of Bigs community—a lifeline for moms of teens and young adults who are facing similar struggles. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE • How to create a safe space that allows your teen to explore their individuality • Why healthy boundaries are key to building trust and respect • How to balance nurturing with letting go while maintaining a strong connection • Tips for connecting with your teen without expectations or pressure 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Creating a Safe Space – Give your teen the freedom to grow into themselves by providing a space where they can explore and make mistakes. Healthy Boundaries are Essential – Establish boundaries that allow both you and your teen to feel respected, loved, and valued without overstepping. Trust Without Expectations – Focus on connecting with your teen in an authentic way, free from strings or expectations, to build trust and open communication. Respect in the Parent-Teen Relationship – Modeling respect, being seen, heard, and valued are vital for a thriving parent-child dynamic. Long-Term Relationship Building – It's not just about today. Building a lasting, healthy relationship with your teen is key for their emotional growth and your connection as they become adults. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Esther’s eBook: Moms Never Stop Momming (Get 20% off when you sign up for her newsletter!) EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction and Inspiration for Moms of Bigs 05:34 Navigating the Balance Between Nurturing and Letting Go 09:03 The Fear of Letting Go and Loss of Control 13:06 Creating a Safe Space and Setting Healthy Boundaries 23:12 Being the Bad Guy and Building Trust 28:41 Key Takeaways and Action Steps CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Esther Joy Goetz Website: Moms of Bigs Instagram: @momsofbigs Facebook: @momsofbigs CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.297) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. As parents, we hope our kids grow up confident and capable. We want them to make good choices and chase their dreams, but we’re also worried they’ll make big mistakes or even get hurt. That’s why I’m so excited to have Esther Joy Goetz here today. Esther is an author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community. She’s here to help us find that balance between nurturing our teens and letting them go. Esther, welcome to the show. Esther Joy Goetz (00:32.526) Thank you. I’m so excited to be here. And just when you said that, I thought, hmm, that’s the tricky tightrope of parenting teens. Dr. Cam (00:42.353) It really, really is. Let’s start with a quick backstory. What inspired you to launch Moms of Bigs ? Esther Joy Goetz (00:52.942) Well, my daughter said to me, “Mom, you need to...” She’s so funny; she thinks that I have some wisdom. What really happened was, when she graduated high school, she said, “Mom, there are so many people out there that really don’t know how to do the mom gig well, especially moms of teens.” How can they know? I thought, well, I don’t know if I’m the answer to that, but I had two older friends who guided me along and continue to guide me. I realized there was nothing out there on social media for this stage—nothing. I couldn’t find a thing. I thought, “Why don’t I give out what I actually need?” A lot of times, our passion is born from what we needed. There’s plenty of advice on breastfeeding and how to handle toddlers, but once they hit the teen years, it’s sparse. Or it feels very formulaic—“Do these three things, and you’ll have a magic relationship with your teen.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I felt like my teens were some of my greatest teachers, and that’s the posture I wanted to take. Plus, all the mom emotions. You mentioned the big one—fear. No one was really talking about what to do with those emotions in the meantime. That’s really where I focused—on those motherhood emotions. Dr. Cam (03:03.665) I think that’s so important. I was finding the same thing. When parents are new, it feels comfortable to ask for advice. You go to a baby shower and people offer advice. But once you have teens, you feel like you should know, but it’s a whole new skill set. Plus, a whole new emotional package we don’t even know how to deal with. Fear and worry, I think, are two of the biggest ones. Is that what you’re seeing as well? Guilt—my goodness. Esther Joy Goetz (03:41.07) Guilt, fear, worry—and I think grief and sadness. Those are the three uncomfortable emotions. We have more comfortable ones too, like joy—watching them become their own people, having exciting conversations, and celebrating things like their sports achievements or academic success. But the uncomfortable emotions, like the letting-go process and anticipatory grief, come into play a lot. And I think with fear, it’s the loss of control. When they’re young, you think you can control them. But once they hit the teen years, the illusion of control disappears. You’re left with fear and worry. Dr. Cam (04:49.521) Yeah, I see this now with parents, especially with technology—GPS, tracking apps, all these things. Parents send their kids off to high school or college, but they’re still micromanaging, tracking everything. It’s all driven by fear and worry. How do we make sure our kids have the freedom they need? Because I think that’s where the biggest conflict comes from—parents holding on too tight. How do we navigate the balance between keeping them safe and giving them the freedom to experience life? Esther Joy Goetz (05:34.798) The good news is we don’t have to give blanket freedom immediately. We’ve been giving them little bits of freedom all along. When you experience that pushback, there needs to be a conversation with your child. Communication is key during the teenage years. They need to be part of the conversation, and they have a massive voice in their own life. My tagline is giving our kids the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves. And the safety aspect—it’s something we have to come to grips with. Can we keep them “safe”? What does that even mean? You can keep them physically safe, but they could still be emotionally crippled. If we focus only on physical safety, we emotionally stunt them. My kids have told me this: “You’re emotionally stunting me. I can’t even make a mistake or figure out what I like or don’t like.” There are different kinds of safety we’re talking about here. My job is to be a safe space for them. Dr. Cam (07:23.825) What does that mean? Esther Joy Goetz (07:26.158) My job as a mom is to create a safe space. That means I create a physically safe home—no abuse, no bullying, no judgment. There’s empathy. It’s a place of unconditional love, no strings attached. That’s the “roots of unconditional love.” If I’m a safe space, I’m creating a soft place for them to land. But there’s also that idea I love where it says, “Ships are not made to stay in the harbor. Ships are made to go out—sometimes into beautiful waters, sometimes into treacherous ones. But the design of the ship is to manage all of that. They’re not designed to stay safe in the harbor.” Dr. Cam (08:35.505) Right. They wouldn't have much of a life if their job is to make sure we feel that they're safe. If their job is to protect us from our fear and worry, that stunts them. I see that a lot without parents realizing it. The kids push back really hard, and parents see that as disrespect when, in truth, the parents aren't really respecting the kids' individuality. That's a tough one. Esther Joy Goetz (09:05.838) You said something key there: we are responsible for our own emotions. They are not responsible for ours. One of the interesting things that happened with my son, a senior, was that he didn’t want a curfew. I said to him, "Look, I'm afraid when you're out past midnight. I own that—you're not responsible for that, but I have to get up and go to work." Part of living here means this is going to be a conversation we have back and forth. It's about respecting me and the stage I’m in—I'm not there yet. I haven’t fully let go and allowed you to just run around the world. I want you to know the emotions I'm experiencing—you're not responsible for those, but I'm dealing with them myself, in fits and starts. For now, when you're in high school, we’d like you to come home by midnight. If there are any issues surrounding that, just communicate with us the same way I would if I wasn’t going to show up when I said I would. So we navigated my emotions and their freedom at the same time, but I never said, “You are responsible for me not being afraid." Dr. Cam (10:28.593) Yeah, and I don't think we even say it. I think we just assume it or do it. We make decisions and choices without realizing it, to protect our own fear, not thinking about the bigger picture and how that impacts our kids. Now, there are two extremes I see a lot. There are people who say, "Are we just supposed to let them do whatever they want?" Esther Joy Goetz (10:29.294) Never. Dr. Cam (10:55.825) And not guide them at all? Then I hear others say, “We’re being too soft on our kids, and that’s the problem with kids today.” I hear that all the time. So, when people say, “Do we just let them do whatever they want?” What do you have to say to that? Esther Joy Goetz (11:16.462) We had a conversation about boundaries, healthy boundaries in the house. There were things related to chores, finances, and respecting the fact that I have emotions, but respect goes both ways. I respect the pushback. The most fun experience I had was with my daughter, my oldest. She is super compliant—she came out wanting to please us. That’s just who she was. She didn’t do much of the pushback. She’s naturally empathetic—always asking, "How’s mommy feeling?" I remember her coming to me her senior year and saying, "Hey, our entire senior class is going to midnight movies, and I’m going to go, no matter what you say." I literally thought, “Come over here and high-five me right now!” I was so happy that she was doing the normal pushback. So, you’re going to have all kinds of kids. Some will push back on everything you say, and it’s exhausting. Others will naturally want to please you. Then there’s everything in between. These constant conversations about what they really need versus what you need are important. We’re all allowed to have needs in a home. No, letting them do whatever they want is not healthy. Healthy boundaries are where I can love you and myself simultaneously. You don’t just get to be a slob and leave dishes everywhere in the common area. But guess what? I’ll never come into your room. We have common space that everyone must respect. But your room, or section of the room—if you share with a sibling—is your responsibility. We had two boys who shared a room, and they had their own sections they couldn’t invade. It's not about all-or-nothing thinking. That’s devastating for parenting teens. Dr. Cam (13:29.809) Yeah, it definitely gets that pushback. Then there are people who say, “This is what's wrong with kids today. Parents are too open to listening to them, giving them a voice. We need to be parents and just tell them what it is.” I see a lot of pushback on social media, particularly from parents who believe that parents need to be more authoritative. They think that’s why kids are the way they are today. Esther Joy Goetz (13:59.022) And friends less, I hear that too. Again, it goes back to all-or-nothing thinking. It’s either this or that. I would say one of the most important attributes we need is wisdom. It’s not going to be all this or all that, and it’s not going to be the same for every kid. There has to be some of both. I always say the “both-and” is much more important than the “either-or.” We can have guidance and freedom. I can give unconditional love, with no strings attached, and I can also give them the wings of freedom. Freedom means no control. You can't have love and control. If you're trying to regulate your own fear, there’s a little voice inside saying, “Listen, you’re trying to regulate yourself by controlling them.” That’s different from, “Hey, this is a common space, and I’m not okay with this. I live here too, and the dishes can’t be left everywhere. I’m not cleaning up after you. You take care of your stuff, and I’ll never be on your back.” But I also have to take care of myself and my stuff. I don't just get to go into your room and throw my things around. I wouldn’t throw my stuff in your head either. Dr. Cam (15:38.513) I like that. Go a little deeper into what you mean by that. Esther Joy Goetz (15:43.79) Yeah. There’s a sacred space, and kids are going through something Carl Jung calls "individuation." They’re trying to become themselves. We’re there to be ourselves, too. We can share our individuated selves, our healed selves, our whole selves with them. This is the ideal, of course. That means we get to share our hopes, our dreams, and our interests. Maybe they’ll try on some of our hats and say, "Wow, I really like the Pittsburgh Steelers, because Dad shared his love for the Steelers." Or, "I like how Mom keeps everything organized. I want to do that in my room." But we don’t belong in their heads, telling them who to be, what to love, or who to love. That’s not ours to own. Their minds and hearts are theirs to figure out. It doesn’t mean I can’t try on some of their hats, too. They’ve taught me so much. I never knew I loved a certain band, and then they showed it to me, and I thought, “Wow, this is great!” But they didn’t force me to listen to it all day long in the car. It’s about permission to explore together. I just love that. Dr. Cam (17:18.097) Yeah, I think it’s so important. It’s very hard for parents to know where those boundaries are. I see a lot of overstepping into our teens’ boundaries, which is where the pushback, disrespect, and even dislike often come from. They feel violated when we try to change how they think and what they believe. It’s tough to separate what we’re doing to guide them as their parent—teaching them good manners, ethics, morals, and making good choices—and where it becomes overbearing, when we’re telling them what to do. How do we know when we’re stepping over that boundary? Esther Joy Goetz (18:10.03) Right, and we are. Yeah, the whole “should” word. I think we all have pushback against the word “should,” right? Our generation especially. We had that major pushback against the “shoulds.” It was like a stranglehold on us. We don’t want to raise our kids in a way where they have to heal from the “shoulds.” We want to provide an environment where the “shoulds” are off the table. There are certain moral ethics we abide by, of course—things like kindness, compassion, and justice. But I would say that happens by modeling. You want your kids to learn how to be respectful? Respect them. A couple of Christmases ago, or maybe it was New Year’s Day, we asked our kids, “What do you think our three major takeaways were for you guys?” Believe it or not, they all had different answers based on their personal relationships with us, but all four of them said “respect.” We asked, “Why respect?” And they said, “Because from the time we were taught, all the way through, even as teens, you always respected us.” We didn’t even realize we were doing it. They felt like they always had a voice in vacations, that we listened to them. Of course, it wasn’t perfect, and I’ve had major mom fails still. But still, I love that. There’s that modeling piece. We just showed them respect and talked about it when they felt disrespected—by a coach, a teacher, a sibling, or even us. They were always allowed to tell us how they felt. And we were there to listen, like, “Yeah, what made you feel disrespected? That doesn’t seem respectful for that teacher to talk to you like that. You don’t have to be treated that way.” It’s interesting, they always respected people who respected them. Dr. Cam (19:29.745) We won’t tell which one you forgot about for a second. Esther Joy Goetz (19:43.182) Right! They felt respected, even when we made tough decisions. Modeling it is key. You don’t learn integrity by talking about it. Kids learn integrity by seeing you do what you say. If you say you’ll pick them up at 8:00, and you do, that’s integrity. It’s more caught than taught, and that’s a lot of work on us as parents. Dr. Cam (21:07.921) Yeah, absolutely. So if you're seeing something in your teen that concerns you, instead of trying to push them to change it, step back and think, “How can I change the way I’m showing up to model that better?” Esther Joy Goetz (21:26.862) Right. Like you said earlier—parents need to be parents, but these kids today have taught me more than anyone in my life. It’s about being both a learner and a teacher. It’s not about authoritarian parenting. It’s not top-down. Dr. Cam (21:29.329) That’s a big one. Esther Joy Goetz (21:56.494) It’s about being side by side, where you have a voice, and I have a voice. We’re all in this together, learning and teaching from each other. But there are times when you have to be a parent. For example, if you’ve been on a family vacation and the last time we did this, you had a huge rager at our house—guess what? The house is locked. If you don’t want to come, we’re changing the garage code. You’re not welcome in the home we’re paying for. Sometimes you’re a parent, sometimes you’re a friend. Dr. Cam (22:44.273) Right. I always find it interesting when people say we need to parent, they often mean we need to discipline, punish, and be the “bad guy.” I don’t know when parenting became equivalent to being the bad guy, because I’ve been a parent for 18 years, and I’ve never had to be the bad guy. I’ve had to say no, I’ve had to make tough decisions, but I’ve never been the bad guy. Why do we associate parenting with being the bad guy? Esther Joy Goetz (23:01.838) I hate that, too. Dr. Cam (23:12.305) Yeah, it’s puzzling. Esther Joy Goetz (23:22.158) You just hit on a key word—connection. Brene Brown says, “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” My goal is to have a long-term, healthy relationship with my kids—one based on connection, not fear, guilt, or shame. If I keep that long-term goal in mind, I think about it like a crockpot, not a microwave. Dr. Cam (24:18.033) I love it. That’s great. Esther Joy Goetz (24:23.118) In those moments when I say no, the key isn’t the no. It’s the feeling of being seen, heard, and valued. When they feel that, they’re more likely to come to the same decision on their own. And even if they don’t agree with the decision, if they feel heard and respected, the no is easier to accept. So, long-term healthy relationships are what matter, and that won’t change as they leave the teen years. Eventually, you’re navigating adult-to-adult relationships. It’s all a learning process, and that’s okay. Dr. Cam (25:15.697) It changes everything again. Yeah. Esther Joy Goetz (25:23.278) If you keep that crockpot, not microwave mindset in your head, it really helps in those tough decisions—like when they want to go to a party, or they’re asking for the pill, or when they say they don’t want to go to church anymore. In those moments, you have to ask yourself, “Is this crockpot or microwave thinking?” Think about your relationship with your parents. Dr. Cam (25:54.385) Exactly. It’s funny because we often think it should be different for us and our kids, but really it’s not. When you have a connection, there’s a difference between not liking the decision and not liking you. When there’s no connection, anything negative becomes a reflection of their feelings toward us. Esther Joy Goetz (25:59.534) When we have that connection, and there’s a difficult decision, they don’t trust the decision, they trust us. They might not like it, but they feel heard and respected, and that makes all the difference. That’s the real test of connection. I also think parents should say yes as much as possible. Listen, hear them out, and say yes when you can. If you say yes more often, the no’s are easier to handle because they know you’re not just trying to control everything. When they ask if they can do something, instead of immediately saying no, I used to say, “When you’ve figured everything out, come back and we’ll talk about it.” And most of the time, their plans fell through anyway. Dr. Cam (27:58.385) Yeah, and if your plan involves me, let me know, so I have a chance to say yes or no. I say yes to almost anything unless there’s a really big reason not to. I want my daughter to live her best life, and I don’t want to hold her back. It’s wonderful to see. So, what’s the one thing you want parents to take away from today’s conversation? What’s the most important point? Esther Joy Goetz (28:41.806) For me, it’s the crockpot, not microwave mindset. Long-term, healthy relationships are built step by step. When you make tough decisions, deal with your own fear in the moment so you can make wise decisions with your teen. Those little decisions accumulate over time, like a lovely meal at the end. This is a lifetime journey. There are a million ways people try to control their kids, but ultimately, we’re in this for the long haul. Dr. Cam (29:34.193) Yeah, exactly. I still know a lot of people my age who are complaining about their parents' control over them. I'm like, that's not a healthy relationship. Esther Joy Goetz (29:41.454) Controlling... yeah, no, not a healthy relationship. So, think Crockpot, not microwave—that’s my one takeaway. Dr. Cam (29:49.585) I love it. And what is one action item parents can do right after they listen to this episode? Esther Joy Goetz (29:55.118) I would say find one way to connect with your kid without any strings attached. Don’t connect with them just so you can get something from them. Just connect. Write a note on their mirror reminding them that you're their biggest fan. My one son, every morning, I’d say, “Remember, I’m your biggest fan,” as he walked out to school. And even now, in his 20s, he says, “You know what, Mom? You’re my biggest fan.” And I’m like, yes. It’s simple, just connecting without any agenda. If what I said about the “self-stuff” resonated with you, have a conversation. Tell them, “I heard this podcast today, and they said this and this. I was just wondering what you thought about it.” My favorite way to connect is sending random notes—texts, TikToks, whatever I can do—to say one thing I’m thankful for, whether it's about them, something they’ve done lately, or how they’ve made me feel. Not tied to anything specific. Not, “Thank you for the flowers on Mother’s Day,” just, “Thank you for being you.” That’s just one way to connect without any strings attached, without any “mom agenda.” Dr. Cam (31:23.697) That means not getting mad if they don’t respond back. If you get mad that they didn’t respond, that shows strings. Esther Joy Goetz (31:32.494) Exactly. No strings, one-way connection. Dr. Cam (31:36.849) Yeah, that’s a hard one for a lot of parents because they think, “I do all this. I deserve this.” But it’s not your kid’s responsibility. It just isn’t. And when you keep doing it enough and building that connection, you get a lot of it in return. My daughter tells me every day, “You’re my biggest fan.” So it goes both ways, but it takes constant building and trust. Esther Joy Goetz (31:57.912) Yes, exactly. Dr. Cam (32:06.446) Esther, how can people find you? Esther Joy Goetz (32:06.446) I’m on Instagram and Facebook as @MomsOfBiggs. My website is EstherJoyGoetz.com/moms-of-biggs, where I have all my resources. It’s a catch-all for everything I do, but you’ll find "Moms of Biggs" in the menu. I’ve written a book called Moms Never Stop Momming with a co-author. We also have a collaborative book coming out in the fall called Moms Never Stop Worrying and Being Brave at the Same Time , releasing in the fall of 2024. I also have a program called Roots and Wings for moms whose kids are transitioning to college, and it’s available for sale right now. Dr. Cam (32:47.761) Excellent, we will put links everywhere in the show notes so people can find all of that. Esther, thank you so much for joining us today. This was fun. Esther Joy Goetz (32:54.126) Thank you! ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #ParentingTeens #MomsOfBigs #Teenagers

Jun 27, 2024

Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager’s hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters’ complex beauty routines (seriously, are all those serums necessary?). That's why I’m thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today! Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys (so she gets it firsthand), and the co-founder of Stryke Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene, giving us the tools to support our teens’ skincare routines and foster healthy habits. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How teenagers' independence and busy schedules impact their hygiene habits The essentials of a simple yet effective skincare routine for both boys and girls Why parents should model skincare habits to help their teens adopt healthy habits The truth about overcomplicating teen skincare, and how to simplify routines • How to use pimple patches to promote healing and prevent acne picking 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Teenagers often resist hygiene routines due to their desire for independence and packed schedules, so finding a balance is key. Modeling good skincare habits and offering the right products is one of the most effective ways to help your teen maintain their hygiene. For boys, a basic skincare routine involving a gentle cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen is all they need to keep their skin healthy. For girls, it's important to avoid overcomplicating skincare—keep it simple with a gentle cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen. Pimple patches can help teens avoid picking at their acne, promote healing, and are a helpful addition to any skincare routine. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Stryke Club: Skin Care for Teens Basic Skin Care Products for Teens: Gentle cleanser (fragrance-free, hypoallergenic) like Cetaphil Face Wash Facial Moisturizer (fragrance-free hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic) like Neutrogena Fragrance Free Daily Facial Moisturizer Sunscreen (SPF 30 or greater) Cleansing Wipes like Stryke Club’s Wipe Out Extra Products That Won’t Harm Sensitive Teen Skin: Hyaluronic Acid Serum like Cerave Hypochlorous Acid Spray like Tower 28 SOS Daily Rescue Facial Spray for Sensitive Skin Acne Skin Care Products: Adapalene Treatment like Differin Acne Treatment Gel Benzoyl Peroxide Acne Treatment Medication like Neutrogena Rapid Clear Stubborn Acne Spot Hypochlorite-based cleanser like CeraVe Hydrating Facial Cleanser Hydrochlorite patches like Mighty Patch™ EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction and Background 02:53 Teenage Hygiene and Self-Care 08:21 Gender Differences in Skincare 14:41 Simplifying Skincare for Boys 25:21 The Benefits of Pimple Patches 29:47 Destigmatizing Skincare for Teens CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness Website: Stryke Club Instagram: @strykclub Facebook: Stryke Club Twitter: @DrSheilaghMD CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.71) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager's hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters' complex beauty routines. Like seriously, are all those serums necessary? That's why I'm thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today. Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys, so she understands the struggles firsthand, and the co-founder of Strike Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene. Dr. Maguiness, welcome to the show. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (00:48.077) Thank you for having me, Dr. Cam. We have a lot to talk about today. Dr. Cam (00:51.254) We do. So, I want to first get into the background. What inspired you to specialize in pediatric dermatology? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:01.853) I always knew that I wanted to work with children. I'm actually Canadian. I grew up in Toronto. When I was in medical school, I was fascinated with dermatology, pursued it, but knew kids were where it was at for me. I found a mentor in pediatric dermatology, which led me to San Francisco to do a fellowship at UCSF. Then, I met my partner, and now we're in Minneapolis, where I have a large academic practice at the University of Minnesota. But yes, the skin of kids, I mean, what could be better? Baby skin all day, but not to discount the teens, because I love my adolescent patients too. Dr. Cam (01:46.422) Talk about skin issues. That's when it all goes awry, isn't it? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:52.589) It is. All those surging hormones are changing everything, but the skin isn't quite fully mature yet. There’s lots to discuss, and it's a great conversation to have with your teen about hygiene and self-care to get those habits going early. Dr. Cam (02:10.678) I want to talk about this because you have two tween boys. You're in the thick of it. Why do they not like hygiene? I’m brushing with broad strokes here, but really, why? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (02:21.677) My goodness. Teens are busy. They’re figuring things out and really want to assert their independence. Something you probably see a lot. Up until the age of six or even seven, it’s the parents telling them to take a bath, and helping them do it. The parents have control over the bathing routine. But suddenly, in those tween years, your child might skip a day or two because they have practice or are busy. Then, you say, "You need to take a shower tonight." But then, your child disappears into the bathroom, and you wonder, are they really clean? What’s happening in there? We don’t know. And that’s the case for all tweens and teens. There’s just this general desire for independence. But something interesting is happening. If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ll know that there's a growing trend where girls and boys are doing different things when it comes to skincare, hygiene, and self-care. I think these are topics we can really dig into today. Dr. Cam (03:41.238) Yeah, I mean, teens... what I see, and again, I don’t want to stereotype, but I see this so frequently that I feel comfortable generalizing. Parents come in frustrated because they have to nag their sons to brush their teeth, wash their face, take a shower. They smell, and the only thing they do is spray body spray all over themselves, thinking that’s cleaning. So now we have sweat mixed with Axe body spray, and... then their skin starts to break out. I know there’s a push for independence, but there's also this battle between parents trying to help their kids stay clean and not smell ripe, and the kids just... Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:14.605) And then a rash will start for sure. Dr. Cam (04:35.51) It’s almost like they fight back about it. Can you help us understand that a little better and how we can encourage them to stay clean? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:45.837) I don’t think you’re stereotyping at all. This is something not only parents are noticing, but I’ve noticed it too in my own clinical practice. When kids come in with skin problems, and often it’s acne, the girls tend to be more compliant with treatments than the boys. So let’s unpack that a little bit. What’s happening here? Well, let’s think about your own home and what’s being modeled. A lot of times, it’s the moms who have their own skincare routines—cleansers, moisturizers, makeup, grooming. There’s a lot of modeling that moms do regarding self-care, which kids, both boys and girls, pick up on. But the girls, in particular, see this and start to understand it’s a normal, accepted behavior to care for your skin and hygiene. On the other hand, boys see their moms engaging in these self-care practices, but they may not see the same from their dads. There's a gap in what’s modeled for girls versus boys. I think it’s a great opportunity for parents to step in and open a discussion about hygiene and self-care for boys. We need to give them the tools they need and show them what to do. There’s been some stigma surrounding boys and hygiene, like they’re just supposed to know how to take care of themselves. But if you step back, girls are seeing this modeled by their moms. Maybe moms and dads haven’t had that same conversation with their sons. That’s how I’ve been thinking about it in the last few years, as I’ve seen these trends emerging. Dr. Cam (07:09.046) It makes so much sense. I mean, even just thinking about TikTok, you know, there are tons of TikTok creators showing makeup and skincare routines for girls. But I’ve never seen a single one for boys. That’s just not out there. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (07:25.581) Not really. There are some trends coming out, especially around fragrance. You mentioned Axe body spray. There’s this “smell maxing” trend, where boys really want to smell good and buy fancy colognes. But it’s a bit different from what we’re talking about. I do think there’s interest. This is the selfie generation—the kids who grew up with social media, digital cameras everywhere, and phones in their pockets. So, on one hand, there’s all this content being created and consumed by girls. But the same doesn’t really exist for boys. They’re more interested than ever before, but there’s still something missing. If you're a mom of teens, just go to your local retailer—whether it's Walmart or Target. Walk down the aisle, and what you’ll see is a sea of products marketed and packaged to appeal to young girls. They’re pink, orange, fruity, with scrubs and multiple steps. But when you look for something for your son, there’s much less. You’ll find products in the clinical aisle—dermatologist-recommended, clinical, or medicinal. Or worse, it’s like the OxyPads we had in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We’re a little behind the times, right? So, that’s what we’re seeing in the retail world and on social media, and our kids are responding accordingly. Dr. Cam (09:18.422) Yeah, it’s just not as cool for guys, and it's really important for girls. Now, help us understand what the bare minimum is for keeping our sons from getting acne and not smelling awful. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (09:39.309) Yes, I love this because we need to address it for all teens. Parents often ask me, “What’s the basic, healthy skincare regimen for a tween or teen?” So, let's break that down. This is for everyone—boys, girls, and even me. Dr. Cam (09:56.214) Good, then we’ll talk about the overkill next. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (10:00.941) We can definitely touch on that, but at the very least, a tween needs to start washing their face. Studies show that just washing your face, removing dirt and debris once or twice daily, will help with complexion, breakouts, and acne. It removes oil and improves skin clarity. A gentle cleanser is a great start—fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, something that doesn’t strip or over-dry. We’re not talking about products with beads, scrubs, or charcoal—those aren’t necessary. Just a gentle cleanser, 100%. Then, at nighttime, if needed, a moisturizer. If their skin’s a little dry after cleansing, a light moisturizer is great. Again, I prefer products that are gentle. There aren’t many products formulated specifically for teen skin, but most can use a fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic (non-acnegenic) moisturizer. And always use sunscreen. It’s never too young to start using it. In the morning, an SPF 30 or greater is a great addition to their routine. That’s it. Those three things—the basics—are really all any teen needs for a healthy skincare routine. Dr. Cam (12:12.182) I love that, and I think if we sit in there even a few times and do it with them and walk them through it—because they're not going to look at you and say, "I know what to do." They don’t. So I think it’s about walking through it, and if Dad can do it, that's great, right? Sheilagh Maguiness (12:22.157) No, I had a funny story. My son went upstairs, very proud of himself, and said, "Mom, I used all the things you said." But he left it on—didn’t wash it off. He’s seen me do this multiple times! So yes, if you model it and show them how to do it, they’ll be more successful in following through on the steps. It’s quite funny, especially with boys. If you don’t ask them, "Hey, did you just take a shower? Your hair doesn’t seem to have been washed," you might be surprised to find out they haven’t washed their hair or they’re using the shampoo head to toe, all over their face. That can be really irritating. You just don’t know what they’re doing. So ask the questions, make it fun, and talk about it in an encouraging, inquisitive way. It’s a nice opportunity to connect with your tween or teen, I think. Dr. Cam (13:27.062) Right, laughing at or shaming them or saying, "That’s so silly," is embarrassing to them because they’re learning. Sheilagh Maguiness (13:32.173) Exactly. It's really embarrassing for them. For boys, they may think that a skincare regimen is embarrassing. But we have to remove that. We need to do a better job, both in our homes and in society, of destigmatizing self-care and embracing it. Celebrating it. Because what's better than a 12-year-old who brushes their teeth, washes their face, and uses sunscreen? That’s amazing! You’re establishing habits that will serve them for the rest of their life. It’s an amazing thing. Dr. Cam (14:07.766) Yeah, and I think making it super easy and clear will help reduce some of that nagging. We nag because they go in there not even knowing what to do sometimes. They don’t want to do it, and if it’s too complicated, they won’t do it. Sheilagh Maguiness (14:24.941) Yes, keeping it basic at the beginning is key. You just need a daily shower or bath, a face cleanser, body cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen. That’s it. You're done. Dr. Cam (14:40.822) You’re done! So, let's talk about the other extreme. We’ve got the Sephora kids—the Sephora girls. I mean, I have a teen daughter, and she’s the one now teaching me what to use. My skincare routine is so much better now that I have a teenager telling me what I’m supposed to do, because she was right. She knows all the brands. Now, we’ve got girls—12 years old—with tons of serums, lotions, all this stuff. Sheilagh Maguiness (14:44.301) Ha ha. 100%. Dr. Cam (15:11.574) Do they need it? Is it okay or good for them to be using all that stuff? Sheilagh Maguiness (15:19.085) Well, yes, this trend of expensive, complicated, and cumbersome skincare has really been pushed on social media. Kids see celebrities posting complicated TikTok videos and they want to emulate them. That’s the trend. And as you mentioned, it’s the "Sephora baby" trend. Tweens are storming Sephora and Ulta Beauty, making their parents spend all this money on products that may or may not be good for their skin. Let's break it down. No tween or teen needs harsh acid exfoliants, retinol, tons of toners, or masks that could irritate their developing skin. Our skin barrier is fragile. If you scrub it too much and put on ingredients that act like acids and cause even a tiny chemical burn, you can damage the skin barrier and create other issues. Not only will it feel uncomfortable, but it can look red, lead to allergic or irritant contact dermatitis, and even cause hyperpigmentation in children of color. We don't want that. It can also make acne worse. So, really, the basics still apply: a cleanser, a moisturizer, and sunscreen. If they want to splurge on a good sunscreen, go for it. That’s always a great splurge. If you're at Sephora, yes, say yes to a good cleanser and sunscreen. A toner is okay, but be mindful of irritation, especially products that are scented or have essential oils. Sheilagh Maguiness (17:43.757) I hope this craze dies down soon, both as a mom and a doctor. But there are companies targeting teen girls with flashy packaging. I’ve seen it firsthand. Dr. Cam (18:00.214) And the celebrities—all these new celebrity brands. It’s such a big deal, and it’s geared toward younger kids because adults don’t need it. We don’t. Sheilagh Maguiness (18:14.925) Nope, we’re not the consumers anymore. They're turning their attention to our tweens and teens, hoping they’ll keep using these products. I’ve seen a lot of young girls in my practice come in with bags full of products. We go through them because many of these products don’t go well with treatments we need for things like eczema, psoriasis, or acne. But these kids are invited to sleepovers where they’re doing all these masks and facials. We need to educate them to gravitate toward products that are gentle, fragrance-free, and non-comedogenic, especially if they have acne. There are active ingredients that can help with skin concerns, but most teens don’t have major concerns like wrinkles and fine lines. Most of the time, if they have a concern, it’s acne. Dr. Cam (19:28.318) That’s for us! No one needs it except us. But girls will want it because it's in the culture, and their friends are going to want the fancy stuff. One thought is to get the basic products and put them in fancy bottles or containers, so they feel special. Sheilagh Maguiness (19:50.573) I love that idea. There are some great jars now—many are more sustainable. A glass jar or something reusable is a great investment. Dr. Cam (20:02.134) Because they’ll feel special. What else is okay for teens who want to do something more complicated, to feel part of the culture? Sheilagh Maguiness (20:31.821) There are great serums out there, many containing hyaluronic acid, which is a great ingredient. I don’t think you can go wrong with a serum that’s mostly hyaluronic acid. It’s a humectant—it draws water in. It’s great to use under a moisturizer. Dr. Cam (20:55.542) Okay, so that’s a good extra. Sheilagh Maguiness (20:57.549) It is! Another ingredient that’s gained popularity in the last few years is hypochlorous acid. Have you heard of it? It’s antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory. You can spritz it on your face or throw it in your gym bag and use it as a cleanser. It acts like a toner and is really safe. Even if they get it in their eye, it won’t sting or burn. It’s a great option, like a toner with hypochlorous acid. Some brands carry it, like Tower in a red bottle, or SOS Recovery Sprays. These sprays are fantastic multitaskers because you can use them for skin, cuts, and scrapes. Dr. Cam (22:02.198) Can you share one or two of those brands? Sheilagh Maguiness (22:23.501) A lot of people don’t know about it, so it’s a great little gem and safe for tweens and teens. Dr. Cam (22:30.038) I love that. Let’s say our kids are getting acne, which is common. How can we help them treat it without making it worse, like over-scrubbing or using irritating products? Sheilagh Maguiness (22:47.725) Absolutely! If your child is starting to get acne, first, look at the type of acne. Is it red pimples with pus bumps in the middle (inflammatory acne)? Or is it more like blackheads or little comedones under the skin (non-inflammatory)? You may need to treat them differently. For early acne, if it's comedonal—those bumps under the skin—a good start is a gentle cleanser with 1-2% salicylic acid. Salicylic acid helps break up the bonds between skin cells and clears pores. Another option is adapalene, a topical retinoid, available under the brand Differin. It’s gentle and works well for preventing and treating acne. But be careful—it can be irritating. Start with a pea-sized amount and use it twice a week, then gradually increase. You can use it on the face, chest, and back. For inflammatory acne, things like benzoyl peroxide, hypochlorous acid spray, or a sodium hypochlorite-based cleanser can help too. Dr. Cam (25:09.622): Yeah, those are great to have, and we'll put all of those in there. I was gonna ask, because the thing that I see a lot, my daughter uses, I've used, are the little pimple patches. What are your thoughts on those? Sheilagh Maguiness (25:21.389): Love them. In fact, I wish they had been my idea because I think they're great. The pimple patches do vary though. So for all those listening, just please make sure you use a plain pimple patch, not one with multiple active ingredients or the tiny little ones with a sharper needle-like base. They claim to deliver active ingredients, but I don’t think that's been studied or proven. The hydrocolloid patches, those little pimple patches, are all very similar. They’re hydrocolloid dressings that help with wound healing. More importantly, they keep fingers off the acne, which helps prevent picking. And that is key, because we don’t want people picking at their acne for fear they might end up with a scar. Dr. Cam (26:13.142): Yeah, and that's hard not to do, I think, a lot of times. Just stick it on there. Yeah, those are the best. Okay, that’s good to know. Sheilagh Maguiness (26:15.885): So hard. That’s why you slap a pimple patch on and go out the door. I really love that people are doing them in different colors now, normalizing acne. 95% of teens are going to get acne—it’s okay. You can put a pimple patch on and go about your day. Dr. Cam (26:31.094): They put colors on and just go like it’s so normal now. It’s interesting. Yeah, that’s great. Okay, so we’ve got simplifying and making it very basic for the boys and showing them how to do it. Simplifying, but maybe fancying it up for the girls and being very cognizant of what we’re allowing on their face. Because a lot of the products they’re putting on their face could actually cause damage. Sheilagh Maguiness (26:58.669): Yes, 100%. Dr. Cam (27:00.47): So what is the main, like the one main thing you want parents to walk away with from this session or from this interview? Sheilagh Maguiness (27:09.293): I don’t want them to feel frustrated with all this skincare craze going on right now. I want to remind everyone that taking great care of your skin for tweens and teens doesn’t have to be expensive, doesn’t have to be cumbersome or multi-step. You can break it down into the advice I’ve given. It doesn’t need to be any of those things. It can be really approachable, fun, and a nice bonding moment for families. For teens and their parents to go to the store and let them help you pick it out—let them have a say in what they’re choosing. Dr. Cam (27:45.462): Now that you said that, I have a question. What if our child refuses to clean their face? It becomes this ongoing battle. How worried should we be, or how long can they go before we should get really worried? Sheilagh Maguiness (28:04.205): I mean, if their face looks really dirty or if it’s starting to sprout acne, you probably should arm them with the tools they need. But you know what? Kids are busy, and I love wipes for this particular reason. I actually formulated my own wipes with the Strike Club. I love them because you can take them on the go—no sink needed. You take them out after sports, athletics, whatever you’re doing, wipe down your face, and even wipe down your equipment. You can even wipe under your underarms with something like that to clean. I feel like wipes resonate more with our busy teens, our active teens, and our boys too. It’s really helpful to throw them in the gym bag—you're one and done. Wipe off and you’re good. Dr. Cam (28:53.334): That’s a great idea. I can see that even in the bathroom. Just be like, “If nothing else, just use the wipe. If you don’t have time and you need to get back to gaming, just use the wipe.” Okay. So Dr. Maguiness, how can people find you? Sheilagh Maguiness (29:03.725): Exactly. Yeah, I think it’s a really nice tool. I’ve ventured a little into social media, and you can find me on both Instagram and TikTok, where I post educational content, mainly for parents. Dr. Cam (29:21.366): I love that. Okay, and what are you on TikTok? Sheilagh Maguiness (29:24.045): Sorry, on TikTok, it’s @DrSheilagh (my name is spelled the Irish way, with a G-H at the end), and on Instagram, I’m @doctor.sheila. Dr. Cam (29:34.358): Okay, I’ll put all that information in the show notes as well. This is great. This was helpful for me too. I’ve learned a lot. Thank you so much for joining us. Sheilagh Maguiness (29:36.749): Thank you! I hope so. Great. Thanks so much for having me. It’s been so fun to talk about all these fun current issues. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #teenagehygiene #skincareforteens

Jun 25, 2024

Teen resilience is more important than ever. Between social anxieties, academic pressures, and the complexities of friendships, many teens struggle to navigate life’s challenges. That’s why I’m thrilled to welcome Jesse LeBeau, a nationally recognized youth motivational speaker and teen coach. With his powerful underdog story and proven methods, Jesse has inspired over a million teens to develop confidence, resilience, and a winning mindset. In this episode, he shares his game-changing approach—The Attitude Advantage—to help teens conquer adversity and thrive. Key Takeaways Building self-esteem and confidence is essential for teens to overcome challenges. Setting boundaries and limiting screen time can reduce the negative effects of social media on mental health. Parents should prepare their teens for real-world struggles by allowing them to experience failure and growth. Finding a mentor can provide teens with valuable guidance and support. Enjoying the Show? Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 Connect with Jesse LeBeau Website: www.jesselebeau.com Instagram: @jesselebeau Facebook: Jesse LeBeau YouTube: Jesse LeBeau Channel LinkedIn: Jesse LeBeau Connect with Dr. Cam Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive. #TeenResilience #ConfidenceMatters #OvercomingAdversity #TeenMotivation #ParentingTeens #TheAttitudeAdvantage #RaisingResilientTeens #TeenSuccess #JesseLeBeau #TeenEmpowerment #GrowthMindset #MentalStrength #LifeSkillsForTeens #BuildingConfidence #TheTeenTranslator #DrCamCaswell

Jun 20, 2024

Did you know that 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? The pressure to achieve unrealistic beauty standards is stronger than ever, thanks to social media and diet culture. As a parent, you want to protect your teen from these harmful influences—but how? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, certified eating disorders specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a non-profit dedicated to making eating disorder treatment accessible to all. Together, they uncover the dangers of diet culture, the role of social media, and how parents can support their teens in developing a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How diet culture and social media impact teens' body image and mental health Practical strategies to help your teen build a positive relationship with food The truth about emotional eating—and why it’s not always bad How parental support can make a powerful difference in preventing eating disorders 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Social media plays a huge role in shaping teens' body image, often fueling insecurities and unrealistic beauty standards. Teaching your teen to have a balanced, non-restrictive approach to food can help prevent disordered eating patterns. Emotional eating isn’t inherently harmful—understanding its role can help teens develop a healthier mindset around food. Open conversations about body image and self-worth can empower your teen to reject toxic diet culture. Your connection and support as a parent are critical in helping your teen build confidence and a healthy self-image. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Project HEAL FREE clinical assessments EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction to the Impact of Diet Culture and Social Media on Teens 02:33 The Scary Impact of Social Media on Teen Self-Esteem 06:12 Addressing the Prominence of Diet Culture and Thin Ideals 10:41 Navigating Unhealthy Relationships with Food and Body Image 29:11 Understanding Emotional Eating and Coping Mechanisms CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelli Rugless Website: https://www.drkellirugless.com Instagram: @drkellirugless LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kelli-rugless-psyd Project HEAL Website: https://www.theprojectheal.org CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell Newsletter: https://drcam.ck.page/newsletter FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.454) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're diving into a critical issue—the constant pressure of diet culture and its impact on our teens. Did you know a whopping 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? Is the unrealistic expectation bombarding them on social media to blame? Joining me to shed light on this topic is the amazing Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, Certified Eating Disorder Specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a remarkable nonprofit fighting for everyone to have access to eating disorder healing. Dr. Rugless, welcome to the show. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:40.369) Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:41.958) Absolutely. So let's start at the beginning. What inspired you to specialize in eating disorders? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:48.049) Honestly, I was not inspired by anything. Truthfully, I went into graduate school thinking that eating disorders were the last thing I wanted to work with. I think they get a bad rap. My first introduction was a teacher talking about how people with eating disorders really don't get better, they're really difficult, and it's a really hard population to work with. I remember thinking, I don’t want to do that. So my first thought was absolutely not—I never want to do that. But then, as part of my training, I had different rotations, and eating disorders were one of them. I began to see how much more they are about than just food. Food is what grabs everyone’s attention, but eating disorders are about so much more. Once I realized the different aspects they could involve—the intersection of mental health, physical health, and even social justice—it just felt like the perfect fit for me and my interests. So I wasn’t initially inspired, but once I had the experience, I saw the depth of it. Dr. Cam (02:05.222) Right. And then all of a sudden, it just sounded way more interesting and complicated. And they can be helped, correct? Because that started off like—wait a second! Yeah, they can be helped. One of the scariest things about social media—one of many—is the impact it has on our self-esteem, how we view our bodies, and how teens are growing up viewing their own bodies. I've seen this personally. I know a lot of parents are worried about this. First of all, is this something to be concerned about? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (02:50.161) Yes, we should all be very much concerned about the impact social media is having—not only on teenagers and their confidence and body image but on their mental health in general. Every single research study out there looking at social media tells us the same thing: people feel worse the more they use it. And it doesn’t matter how they use it. You could try to curate a page focused on positivity and growth, but the issue is that social media is a highlight reel presented as real life. You're only seeing the best parts of people's lives—or even the most curated parts of the bad moments. It’s a well-edited, well-produced version of vulnerability or sadness. It looks real, but it’s not. This makes it easy to believe your life should look like everyone else's and that your body should look like theirs. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s also unrealistic. Dr. Cam (04:14.374) But here’s the thing, Kelli—social media isn’t going away, and our teens are not going to let go of it. It’s their entertainment, their social interaction, their connection to the world. So what do we do? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (04:30.193) The best thing we can do is model the type of relationship we want our children to have with social media. That means saying things like, I'm sure we're only getting half the story or I wonder what filters they used on that or We don’t see all of their life—just a small part. Keep reinforcing the idea that social media is entertainment, not reality. You wouldn’t look at a movie and think, That’s how my life should go. You’d understand there are editors, production, and scripts involved. The same thing applies to social media, but because it feels organic, we forget all the mechanisms at play. It’s also okay to set limits. Have house rules like no phones at dinner or no screens after a certain time when on vacation. These small boundaries help create a healthier relationship with social media. You’re not taking it away completely, but you are setting limits. Dr. Cam (06:12.39) That’s so important—for us as well. Because while we’re worried about our kids, I see the impact on parents, too. Parents start comparing their kids to others. Diet culture has always been a big deal, but now it's everywhere . Dangerous TikTok trends for losing weight are popping up constantly. How do we buffer against this diet-crazed, thin-is-best culture—especially when so many of us have already bought into it? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (07:11.985) That’s a great point. As parents, the way we influence our kids most is through how we talk about ourselves . You can tell your kids all day long that all bodies are beautiful, but if you’re looking in the mirror criticizing yourself, talking about needing to lose weight, or pointing out your flaws, that message will override everything else. Work on your own relationship with your body. Acknowledge that your body’s appearance is the least interesting thing about you. Your value is inherent—not tied to how you look. And your body does so much for you. Even if there’s something you don’t like about it, balance that with gratitude for what it can do. If you need to talk to someone to work through those things, it’s worth it . The impact on your kids, your family, and even your friends is huge. Dr. Cam (09:16.614) That was something I was committed to from day one with my daughter—never talking about my body in a negative way in front of her. It’s a struggle, but I didn’t want her to have the same struggles. Even with all of that, social media still bombards her with these messages. And sometimes, no matter how much we talk, what they see feels more real than what we say. So what else can we do? [10:49.233] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: One thing we can do is stay curious. Instead of saying, "That’s bad for you—don’t watch that," ask them, "How does this make you feel?" Rather than jumping in to fix it, validate their experience. If they say, "It just makes me feel terrible," resist the urge to say, "No, you’re beautiful!" Instead, say, "I get that. If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way." When they’re ready for reassurance, that’s when you say, "But you are so much more than your appearance. I love this about you, your friends love that about you." Let them lead. Be there to listen first, and the influence will follow. Our culture isn't right, but our goal is to talk to our kids and teenagers about the realities of accepting this really toxic culture that we live in, internalizing the messages, and what that can do—versus setting ourselves apart and actively trying to distance ourselves from the toxic aspects of our culture. Weight stigma is real. People being afraid of gaining weight makes sense, right? Given the culture we live in—where there's discrimination against folks of different sizes—you can't get your clothes at the same store as your friends if you get above a certain size. If they do make it, it doesn't fit the same, the quality's different. There are real consequences to being in a larger body that people naturally want to avoid. It makes sense why they want to avoid that. However, it doesn't make weight stigma okay, right? So what we're talking about is two types of discomfort. You can either be uncomfortable in the sense that you've internalized these toxic beliefs about weight and are forever on a hamster wheel trying to keep up with everyone, which is uncomfortable and really hard. Or you can be uncomfortable in the sense that you're separating yourself from the culture, which means you don't quite fit in. You're not talking about the same things, you're not getting on every new diet, you're not limiting the clothing you wear or saying, "I can only wear a one-piece because my body is this size." You're fully living the life you want to live in the body that you're in. And you might be on the outside of things, or you might get some dirty looks, or you might hear people saying rude things. No matter how you look at it, there's discomfort. It's going to be hard. The key is to pick your hard. Which type of challenge do you want to take on? Which one is in alignment with your values and the kind of person you want to be as an adult? And that is the hard piece. It's a mature topic. It's a big, heavy decision. A lot of times, when I'm working with teenagers, one of the things they’ll mention to me is, "Why do I have to deal with this? All my other friends aren't talking about this. They're not thinking about this. Why am I thinking about it?" And I kind of commiserate with them and say, "I know. You're having to do some really heavy work really early. It will serve you. As you get older, you’ll be light years ahead of some folks. By the time you get to your 20s or 30s, you will have done this and figured out who you are outside of your appearance, and you'll be grateful. But right now, it is hard because the rest of your friends aren't dealing with this heaviness." [19:41.126] Dr. Cam: Yeah. So what if they go into a really restrictive diet or develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise because they’ve picked the "I don’t want to be different. I want to be thin and be like everyone I see in the world" route? Which, again, is not true. But what if they go that route and you're like, "I'm getting really scared about their health and their mindset about themselves because now they're obsessed with their weight"? I see kids that never feel good enough. I'll ask them, "What weight are you trying to get to?" or "How thin do you need to be?" and they don’t even have a goal. They just say, "Till I feel confident." And that’s dangerous because they won’t. So how do we handle that if we see our kids going down that path? [20:29.137] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: That is the time to absolutely say something and do something—act quickly. Sometimes it can be tempting to let them grow out of it, to let them figure it out, or to avoid arguing with them. "I don’t want to create conflict, so I’m just going to let it be. I’m seeing some things I don’t like, and I’m just going to hope that things right themselves." With eating disorders, they thrive in isolation. The longer you let it go without saying something, the stronger it becomes and the harder it is to address. When you see something, say something. Be loving, be kind, be warm, but be really clear about your concerns and act. Call a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Look up an eating disorder treatment center in your area to get an assessment. Act quickly and get professionals involved. Eating disorders require a team—many people working from different directions to help someone recover. The quicker you notice it and get help, the easier it is to address. Talk about it, ask questions, express your love and care, but be really firm about your desire to help them and your confidence that what you’re seeing is not okay. [22:20.902] Dr. Cam: Now, I’ve had parents who—understandably, no judgment—force their kids to eat. They set consequences if they don’t eat, put a certain amount of food on their plate, or bribe them to eat. Is that a helpful method? [22:39.185] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: It depends on where your child is, but it can be helpful. I’d say it’s most helpful under the guidance of a provider. If, as a parent, you're going to take on that role, make sure your teenager has a therapist to help them process how hard it is to be forced to eat when they’re really afraid of food or gaining weight. But the act of feeding your child and making food non-negotiable is a very important part of treatment and recovery. A malnourished brain cannot get better. It can’t do the work of figuring out the underlying causes of the eating disorder if it is not well-nourished. Feeding your child and making it a priority is huge, but you also want to make sure they have the support they need. Food is not just food anymore—it’s really hard. The level of anxiety that those with eating disorders feel when forced to eat is through the roof. They need support, skills, and sometimes even medication. So make sure you provide as much support as you can through the re-feeding process. Dr. Cam (29:27.75) Well, it's not as good as Doritos either, let's be real. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (29:39.697) These black-and-white ideas about food—so that we can be more clear about what we feel like, what we actually want to eat versus what we feel driven to eat. Dr. Cam (29:49.03) That is so important. And Kelli, it’s funny because I use that same philosophy with tech use: when we keep restricting it, they end up binging it and not having a healthy relationship with it. So I think this goes across anything. If you see your kids hoarding or having meltdowns or sneaking something, it’s not about hoarding or stopping it more. It’s about where we are already restricting to the point where they now have to get sneaky. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (30:16.785) Yeah, absolutely. We need more opportunities to say yes, right? The more you say yes, the easier it is to say no. Because you feel like, "Well, I can tell myself if I can’t have it today, I can have it another day." If I can’t have my electronics on Monday, I know I’ll get them on Tuesday. So I can put it away because I know I can look forward to it. And the same goes with food. Dr. Cam (30:39.462) Yeah, it is. And it’s all about developing a healthy relationship with it. I think that’s the biggest thing: How are we looking at it as something that gives us nutrients, energy, makes us feel good, and separating it from how we look? And that’s important. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (31:00.817) Absolutely. The only other point I’ll make that I think is really important is I have a lot of parents talk to me about, "My kid is emotionally eating. Emotional eating is really bad. I don’t want them to do it." What I will say is, emotional eating is not bad. If you think about the things that we need to survive—water, air, food—food is the only one that can literally change, you know, it can increase a certain amount of neurotransmitters and change your mood. So, it’s got a really valuable purpose. It’s our psychiatric medication. And when we don’t have access to it, that’s a good thing. You just want to make sure that’s not the only way your child is managing their emotions. If it’s one out of ten different things they do when they don’t feel good, that’s okay. We’re supposed to do that. That’s how humans have evolved. That’s what our relationship with food is supposed to be. It’s not just about fuel. But you want to make sure that your child also knows how to journal, meditate, put on some music to influence their mood, maybe get outside and get some sun. They need to know how to manage their emotions in a variety of ways, so they’re not overusing food as a tool for coping. Dr. Cam (32:21.03) I’m very thankful you brought that up because yes, that is a big one I hear as well. And it is something that makes you think, "Are they just going to be a binger their whole life?" I think looking at it as a coping mechanism and digging into what they’re coping with is huge. And finding other ways is phenomenal. Kelli, what’s the one biggest takeaway you think is important for parents to have from this episode? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (32:47.217) I hope parents take away this idea: Their children are okay. There are things out there that are really scary, and there are big concerns, right? We want to avoid eating disorders, we want to avoid negative body image, but by and large, your children are okay. And what they need more than anything else is a connection with you. If you are fostering that connection, you will be able to see what they’re struggling with from a mile away, and you’ll have built the necessary relationship to have the influence you need to help them. So, rather than focusing on these individual topics that are scary, I would always go back to building that connection with your children. Get to know them, do your best to enjoy them, so that you are naturally in a relationship with them. That way, you’ll see what they see, and you can address issues as they come up. Because that’s where our power is as parents: In our ability to connect with them. Dr. Cam (33:48.774) It certainly is. And I think we focus a lot on the correction and the restriction, which tears apart our connection— the only thing that actually helps. So, I see that a lot. I love that. Kelli, how do people find you? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (33:58.897) Yeah, it’s the connection and it’s the love. I’m on social media, although I’m not particularly active, but I am on social media at Dr. Kelli Rugless. I have my own practice, where I see parents, families, and adults for eating disorder and body image stuff, called Flir Psychology. I also work at Project Teal. Project Teal is an amazing nonprofit. If you or someone you know is concerned about having an eating disorder and maybe wants a free assessment, we offer free assessments. We provide treatment recommendations, connect you with providers in your area who specialize in eating disorders, offer cash assistance, and insurance navigation. We have a whole host of programs meant to help folks learn about eating disorders and recover at any stage. You can find me in those three areas. Dr. Cam (35:01.222) I have a feeling a lot of people are thinking, "I need Project Teal. How do they find it?" Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:05.041) Yeah. You can go online at www.theprojectheal.org . That website has everything you need: resources, services, helpful information about eating disorders. It’s the website to visit. Dr. Cam (35:21.254) I’ll put that link as well. Kelli, thank you so much for joining me today. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:23.057) Thank you for having me. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #bodyimage #eatingdisorders

Jun 18, 2024

In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Sarah Bruno-Patrey to discuss the far-reaching effects of religious trauma on teens and how parents can help them navigate these challenges. Sarah shares her personal story of growing up within a religious youth program and the healing journey she experienced. If your teen is grappling with religious trauma or a crisis of faith, this episode will provide you with the tools to better understand and support them through these tough times. It’s a must-listen for parents looking to create an open, supportive environment for their teens, especially when faith and identity are involved. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How religious trauma impacts teens and how it can lead to feelings of isolation and shame Practical ways to help your teen through a crisis of faith How to recognize unhealthy religious experiences and protect your teen’s mental health The importance of open communication, mentorship, and empowering your teen to make their own decisions about faith 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Religious trauma can leave teens feeling emotionally isolated, and it’s crucial to recognize the signs early to offer support. Open communication is essential for helping your teen heal from religious trauma—letting them express their feelings is key. Supporting your teen through a crisis of faith is about being present, not imposing beliefs, and offering a safe space. Parents should focus on being mentors, helping teens navigate spiritual and emotional challenges without pressure. Offering your teen options and autonomy during this process can help them find their own path to healing and self-discovery. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – The Impact of Religious Trauma on Teens 03:34 – Recognizing Unhealthy Experiences in Religious Programs CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Sarah Bruno-Patrey TikTok: @sarahbrunopatrey CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam As parents, we want nothing more than our teens to find their path in life. For many, religion offers a sense of belonging and purpose. But what happens when it leaves our teens feeling isolated, ashamed, or questioning everything they believe? Today, I'm joined by Sarah Bruno -Patri to talk about the impact of religious trauma on teens and what parents can do to support them. But before we dive in, I want to share that Sarah and I have known each other for years, and actually through church but I only recently heard about her experiences with this particular religious program, actually through TikTok, and talked to her and asked her if she would jump on, because I feel like it's really important for us parents to be aware of what's going on. So Sarah, welcome to the show. Thank you. So let's talk about, first of all, what was your experience because you did this as a teenager. So what was kind of the experience or the motive to go into this particular program and what was that program? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (00:59.19) Yeah, so I grew up obviously in the church and it was an amazing, beautiful experience. And I knew after I graduated high school that college was not like in the cards for me, at least immediately. And so my parents and I decided that I could take a gap year and they would foot the bill and I can just go find a program and go do that as long as I had a plan. And so I had been exposed to this organization called Youth with a Mission ( https://ywam.org/ > when I was actually in high school, I went with a couple of classmates to Kona, Hawaii, two summers in a row. And so I kind of had a sense of what this organization was. I knew that it wasn't exactly how I had grown up in the church. It was a little bit different with its theology and things like that. And I was like, it's okay, I'll put those things aside. And I decided to go to Australia. So I went to literally the farthest place that I could go from Washington DC. If you drilled a hole through the earth, it would come out in Perth, Australia, or at least around there. And I just wanted to get out of our town. And so that's where I went. And I was there for six months. I spent three months of it in Perth, Australia and three months of it in Asia. Dr. Cam (02:16.742) At that time, and I know through the teen years, I know church paid a big and religion played a big part in your life. What kind of role was that playing for you or what kind of place was that filling for you? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (02:31.094) It was just like the big sense of community for me. I feel like going through school, like I had different friend groups, but then once I really found my community in my church and like other youth ministry organizations, it was like, these are my people. I had the support that I needed as a teenager and I had like the adults around me that I needed as a teenager because teenagers need a lot of adults. And so that was just like, I spent all my time with my religious community. And it was a great thing up until that point. It was like an amazing part of my life. So. Dr. Cam (03:06.278) That's what's really clear about this. We're not saying like religious groups are bad, you know, and we did. I mean, I was one of your youth leaders and it was an amazing experience. And we were able to really just connect and talk to kids on a lot deeper level. So then it went to this next phase. And I think one of the things the question is, how do we know when it is a healthy experience and when it becomes a toxic experience? Tell us a little bit about your experience there and when did you actually realize it might not be the healthiest experience for you. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (03:43.062) Yeah, so like I said before, I kind of knew what I was getting into wasn't exactly like how I had been raised in the church. I knew that things would be a little bit different. But like for some reference of it, it's a six month initially to like join this organization. You have to do a six month program. The first three months that I was in Australia was the discipleship training school part of it. So it was like the lecture phase is what they called it. And so that was you're in a classroom all week. And then you did the outreach, which was like the mission part. And it was pretty early on into it that I realized that this isn't, not only did I not like align with this in its theology, the things that I could kind of put aside, but just in like most aspects, it just wasn't a healthy organization. It was pretty like off the bat, a lot of comments about my faith and my spirituality growing up where I grew up that I didn't like see eye to eye was a lot bigger of a deal. And every week we had a topic and every Friday they called it like application Friday. So the first week was prayer. So we learned about prayer and then Friday we did something involving prayer like evangelism for example, we did Monday through Thursday we learned about evangelism on Friday we went out and evangelized. I think the big thing that sent sirens off in my head was the third week we did forgiveness and repentance. Where, you know, Monday through Thursday, we learned about sin and repentance and things that are biblical and good, like, you know, repenting from your sins, turning the other direction, walking away from it completely, things that are pretty standard. But then on Friday, when we had our application, we had to write a list of our sins down. Dr. Cam (05:08.774) Red flags, yes. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (05:38.134) Things that spanned from yoga, which I don't believe is a sin. I have never believed it was a sin. I remember like going on the phone with my pastor from home. I was like, is yoga really a sin? And he's like, no, that's a little ridiculous. Playing Dungeons and Dragons, things like that. Yeah, all the way to like sexual sin, things like that. We had to write a list and then on Friday morning, we started in the morning, we had to sit next to a speaker. Dr. Cam (05:41.446) Yoga! My goodness. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (06:05.11) We didn't really know in a classroom full of people that we've only known for a few weeks. And we actually combined with another classroom, so complete strangers at that point. And we had to sit up there, read our lists of sins, and then repent for it, ask for forgiveness from God. Again, things that are all biblical, if they're done correctly. So, you know, confessing to a friend, somebody you trust would be a very, like, good practice. But this was kind of distorted and sitting up there telling it to a group of people you didn't know, you didn't have like that relational currency with. Having to forgive for just crazy things and it lasted for 14 hours. We didn't, yeah, we didn't have, we missed our meals, everything. So that was when I was like, I'm not gonna just like sit here and do everything that they tell me to do. I am going to question some things and yeah, big red flags. they didn't like that. I didn't even want to participate in that particular activity. And I was kind of like getting the death stare from the leader at the time. He was standing right next to the door so he couldn't even like walk out. It's just a lot of very strategic things like that to kind of wear you down until you actually get up there and do it. And. Dr. Cam (07:06.918) How did that go over when you started to question things? No? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (07:30.454) the entire program I was questioning things and I was saying things that I believed about like even just topics like women in ministry, things like that. And it was always not reprimanded, like I would get in trouble, but it was definitely like, you need to just stop, like keep your mouth shut. Like this isn't your place, which I like to question things. So that is the question that I get a lot. And I think it's hard for people who look in from an outside perspective to understand why somebody would stay. But first of all, I was a teenager. I had built this up in my head of like, this is my gap year. I'm in Australia. I have this new sense of independence I didn't have at home. Not that my parents were strict looking back on it. Of course, I thought that they were the most strict people in the entire world. My parents had spent all this money, like I think like 10 grand for me to be there. I knew I could go home if I wanted to. My parents had the financial ability to get me home. I knew that, like that was just an option, but it also wasn't. They kind of made it seem like, well, everybody at home has moved on. You don't have a community at home anyways. I had friends there that couldn't get home financially for whatever reasons. I felt like I would be leaving them in the dust if I left. I also have a big sense of pride of like, I don't want to admit that this didn't go the way that I was expecting it to, the way that I had convinced my parents it would go. I think that's a hard lesson for any teenager to learn is to just swallow your pride if it means to keep yourself safe and, you know, but didn't do that. So, mm -hmm. Dr. Cam (09:12.902) You stayed and then did it ever, did you ever kind of change your idea about it or kind of warm up to what that experience was? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (09:24.182) Yes, it's like, it's a really weird, like, experience being there because it does become your entire world. And I knew that I wasn't seeing eye to eye with this organization as a whole. It had its issues, but these were like my friends now, my people. And I just kind of at some point was like, this is it. Like this is, I don't want to go to college still. Everybody at home. They've been telling that everybody at home has moved on they don't there will be nobody at home for me and we did have fun like there were some really fun parts and so it was just a lot of like you have tunnel vision while you're there and you're being love -bombed but also like Not you're also being worn down Dr. Cam (10:14.054) Sounds like a little bit of gaslighting too maybe. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:17.174) There's a lot of gaslighting, yeah. I would definitely agree with that. Dr. Cam (10:21.702) When you're talking to your parents about it, how are you selling what's going on down there? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:28.758) So my parents and I had kind of like a complicated relationship before I had left. We didn't have like a huge like, we weren't super close in the way that I could be like, my gosh, like this is how I'm feeling. It was mostly like, this is what we're doing. And like, here's my friend that I've made. Like we're having fun. And then I think once I went on outreach was where I realized that my parents weren't the enemy. And like I did need them more than I thought I did, because I had some pretty bad experiences while I was not only in Australia, which is like America just far away, but I was in rural parts of Nepal and Indonesia. And like there were instances where I was like, I really wish I had my mom right now. And we didn't have Wi -Fi. We didn't have, I went like weeks without being able to talk to them. And so we just didn't have a huge like open line of communication. Even when I was in Australia, it was a 13 hour time difference. So communicating was tough as it was, but. Dr. Cam (11:31.078) So they had you isolated in there. And so you, when you, so then you came, you did come home after six months. And how was that transition? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (11:39.03) Mm -hmm. It was really hard. They don't prepare you to come home. And I think that that is a little strategic. It was interesting seeing that, like, yeah, my friends, obviously their life doesn't stop while they're back at home. You know, a lot of them are still in high school. And then just coming in, being like the outsider all of a sudden, it kind of like reinforced, I need to go back. I need to go where people are familiar. And so there was no preparation on either end. I don't think my parents knew that they would have to prepare me. I think it was just like, you're home, like going to college or something. Yeah, exactly. So it was tough. And then my community just in general kind of fell apart. And then that's when like I had a mentor be like, you should really just give college a shot, just go. And that was nice because Dr. Cam (12:19.462) What's the difference? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:37.814) everybody's starting over in college. Nobody has that sense of community that I thought I was going to have when I came home or that was back in Australia. Dr. Cam (12:46.726) Were you able to share with that mentor what had been going on? I know you said you really weren't comfortable sharing with your parents at that time, but were you able to share with your mentor? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:55.35) So I had been in communication with him and his wife, probably more than my parents at that point while I was over there. So they were kind of clued in on a lot of stuff that was happening already. And they were very skeptical of the organization already because they had family members that were in it before. And so they kind of knew, and I think they were able to kind of redirect me a little bit better than my parents did because they had no experience with it. And so it was a little bit easier to share that. But I think a lot of it I didn't realize was even that wrong until I went to college and I started talking to friends and sharing stories and even talking to friends that I had back in Australia when they moved home and we kind of like decompressed together and deconstructed like our experience. And we're like, wow, that was like in hindsight, hindsight's always 20, 20. That was not a good thing, that was not okay, it wasn't healthy. So being able to do that together was nice too. Dr. Cam (14:01.926) How do you think that's impacted you now? Now that you're like realizing this was not a great situation, how is that kind of feeding into how you're interacting with the world or just your thoughts of yourself right now even? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (14:17.398) Yeah, I think it's really easy to like look back and be like, my gosh, I was so stupid to like keep going to stay and like, you know, I have people, my TikTok comments being like, why didn't you lie? Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you do that X, Y, and Z? And I have to like give myself some grace because I was 18 years old. Like I was very young and just, yeah. Dr. Cam (14:44.55) I want to help parents understand because this is a specific situation, but it is, it relates to a lot of situations because we've got this sense of needing to find a place to belong. Right. And so that is enormously important for all humans, but particularly for a teenager, right. Finding that, sense of not having a voice because you are a teenager. Even though you're disagreeing, not feeling like you have that ability to stand up and also kind of not having the connection you needed at the time with your parents to be able to say, hey, we've got to change this. So you're kind of, there's kind of the sense of isolation. So how can parents or what can your parents do? Is there anything they could have done differently at that point or what could have helped at that point. And this is not blaming your parents at all, not even remotely, but I think this is more, again, 2020 hindsight, right? This is more telling parents, hey, here's some things to look out for or here's some things we can do now to hopefully prevent this from happening. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (15:44.502) My parents did, I feel like, all the right things. They reached out to multiple people that had been in the organization. We had dinner with a family that their son had been a part of it for a while. And I think one of the things in hindsight is we got a lot of the male perspective from being in that organization, which I think going in as an 18 -year -old female is a lot different than a 20 -year -old male, you know? So just making sure, like, first of all, that is seeing eye to eye. Also, I think one thing that we could have done better was pinpointing why I wanted to go. For me, it wasn't so much the religious aspect that was just more convenient. It was the traveling. I wanted to get out. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be away from home. I think something that parents can do when kids come to them saying, I want to be a missionary or I want to be specifically in this organization is to be like, well, why do you want to do that? Do you want to travel? If so, there are so many organizations that you're able to travel. Because my parents would have never let me just go backpack through Europe by myself. Like that's just not, but there's different organizations. There's different ways to do that. If it is something where you want to serve, you want to volunteer, there's plenty of organizations that also do that. Dr. Cam (17:07.91) That sounds scary. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (17:22.358) that are great and reputable and I have a whole list of them that aren't YWAM that I could... But if it is a religious thing, I think what is really important is to first recognize that serving locally in your local church or even going and interning at a church in a different state. Doing something that is serving your local community is going to be a lot more helpful to those communities than a white person going to Nepal and being like, Jesus is amazing. I think that, yeah, exactly. I think like, I mean, there's a lot of issues and the whole mission aspect of it too. But I think pinpointing exactly why your child, your teen wants to go and do a gap year, because college isn't for everyone right off the bat. And then finding different ways, having options and being like, of course you can't, Dr. Cam (17:53.958) We relate to you so well. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (18:19.638) At that point be like, you need to do this. I mean, you can, but if you want them to have the choice, you're like, here's your options, here's the pros and cons, and then go from there. Interview people, there's plenty of Facebook groups for different organizations. There's a lot that I'm in that are like survivors of YYM. So I think that that's probably a big red flag. Dr. Cam (18:37.798) Wow. Yeah, go research if there are a bunch of groups that are survivors of this, that might not be a good sign that that's the thing to do. When your mentor kind of talked you out of going back and going to school, what were some of the things that he said to you that parents might, because that's not an easy thing to do, especially if you've got that, like, I don't want to show that I was wrong. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (18:42.55) Exactly. Yeah. Dr. Cam (19:07.014) I want to be independent. I don't want to show that I made a bad choice, even though you had no idea. So what can parents do at that point to say, okay, it's okay, how do we move forward? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (19:22.294) Yeah, I think a big thing for me was college was very accessible and I know that that's not like the case for everybody. One of the points he made was like, well, you're not paying for it. Like just go, just try it. Like what's the worst that could happen? And just, he never made me feel like I made a wrong decision by going and that like what I did was wrong or that I should feel any type of shame about it. It was just like here's a different opportunity and like, what do you have to lose by at least trying? Like give it, he said, just give it a semester. It was like, I had a start and an end date of like giving this and I went into that college, like ready to prove him wrong and be like, I told you I don't like it. And like, this isn't for me. And the exact opposite is what happened, but having like just a different option. And I mean, I'm really stubborn. So even having just the challenge of like, give it a try, like what's the worst that could happen? So if you do go back, if you're just gonna go back six months later than you expected, what's the difference? Mm -hmm. Dr. Cam (20:24.07) Right, let's try something different. I think there's so many good points there because it's not about forcing you, it's not about shaming or pointing out what you did wrong. It is about going, okay, that was your choice, here's why you did it, let's try something else. And that end date, so it's like, let's just give it a try, a go. And it's not like you're stuck doing and committed to that. Because I think sometimes kids go, “If I try it, then I'm committed to it for how, four years. And now if I don't want to do it. So I like that that was kind of that approach. And how did your parents feel about that approach? I'm sure they were. Yeah. So the other thing is having mentors for your kid that you trust. absolutely. And the thing is, he had spent years building that relationship with you too. They were thrilled. They were so relieved. Well he was the only one that I would have listened to, honestly. Dr. Cam (21:15.718) That makes a big difference as well as having that opportunity and having other people around that you trust because parents aren't going to be the first person kids go to and for many of the same reasons you didn't is because you just don't want to show that you're wrong because you're trying to be independent. And that's a hard thing to do. What are some signs that parents might be able to look for that you think that their kids are in an unhealthy situation. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (21:48.374) Yeah, I think just like distance communication is a big thing. Like I said, like my parents and I weren't super close at this point. So like that wasn't probably wasn't the biggest red flag to them that I wasn't talking to them every day. But also just if everything seems like rainbow and sunshine, like maybe it is, but maybe it's not. And just like asking questions to not just like, like what have you been doing? But like, what have you been doing? And like, how did that not make you feel, because what teenager is going to love that question? But how is that experience for you? Asking about the relationships that they're making, their interactions with leadership, I think is a big thing too. I was having really awful interactions with leadership and not even to fault them because looking back on it, they were 21, 22, 23. I can't, yeah, exactly. And this has been their entire life too. Dr. Cam (22:40.006) Doing what they were told. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (22:45.782) But interactions with leadership and just like, how are you, you know, like how are they interacting with you? How are you interacting with them? How is that making you feel? Like, do you feel safe? There's a lot of times where I was like, we weren't even in a safe location, like to even live, which I think if my dad had seen where I was living, he would have been very upset. Dr. Cam (23:10.406) Was there anything they could have said or done to have forced you back? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (23:16.086) I don't know, honestly, that's a good question. Maybe if they had like physically come get me, or been like bribed me somehow with like, you know, you can, we can go on a trip to Europe, I don't know. But, mm -hmm. Dr. Cam (23:22.182) Then you might have resented it or still not come to that conclusion yourself that this wasn't a good situation. And so you would have still thought that was a good decision or a good break. So I think you going through, which is hard for parents to see, but you going through this and figuring this out seems to be what really got you through this. And you got through it. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (23:38.23) Exactly. I did. And it's been like a long time deconstructing all of it, but like I do think that I have like a better sense of self because of it. So it's a hard thing to like look back on too, because yeah, I don't think that there was much my parents could have done. I think that there are ways that I could have been supported when I got home a little bit better, but teenagers sometimes are just gonna have to figure things out by themselves. I was definitely that type of teenager. So. Yes. Dr. Cam (24:27.078) There's a lot of that type of teenager and it's very frustrating for parents, but I think it's really important to realize that our kids are going to make decisions. Some of them are going to really scare us and just stay supporting them because your parents did not say, forget it. That's the wrong thing. You're on your own. Like they stayed there. Finding that mentor that can help talk some sense into them is really big. Just staying there and supporting your kids. Because now your relationship with your parents, how is that relationship now? Yeah. Yeah. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (25:03.894) It's great. It's fantastic. And I still, I talk to my mom sometimes about like what had gone on. I think a lot of it, my husband also did the same program, which is how we met. We didn't meet while we're in the program. He did his in South Africa, like about a year later, but we were introduced to each other because of it. He had a much different experience than me. Again, I think the male experience is different. But having people and like, I don't know, jus finding people that you can talk to about it. That might not be your parents, but having parents support you and finding that too is really good. Dr. Cam (25:40.038) That's great. And I will attest, your mom's pretty awesome. So, she's pretty cool. So, I think that's a big thing too. Like, I can't imagine it wasn't that she did something wrong or you did anything wrong. It was just a situation where it seemed right in the moment and it turned out not so right. And you got through and I love that. So, that's really what I wanted to share with parents because I think it's just important for us to know because there's so much fear around what our kids are doing. And I think sometimes we gotta let them do it anyway, but being there and kind of having that support system there to help them through it is really good. Because I don't see how this could have been prevented. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (26:26.39) Yeah, no, I know, because I feel like we definitely did all the right things going into it. I think just, yeah, like reiterating to your team that home, like it's okay to come home if you need to. It's okay to stay if that's what you think you need to do, but like there's nothing wrong with saying, this isn't for me, I'm gonna come home, I'm gonna try something else. And I think that goes along with like having options I think maybe one thing that would have gotten me home was like, having the option to go do something else. Like, whether that was like a volunteer trip or just traveling or whatever. Just like having options and being like, it's okay, there's no need to feel shame about your experience or anything like that. We don't even have to talk about it immediately when you get home. Counseling is a great option, but just having that support while they're there, which might be the last thing that they want to hear in the moment, but it does probably get through to them a little bit more than you would think. Dr. Cam (27:24.582) That's great. Sarah, thank you for jumping on and sharing your story. I really appreciate it. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (27:27.318) Of course ABOUT THE SHOW: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive. #ReligiousTrauma #TeenMentalHealth #ParentingTeens #FaithCrisis #TeenSupport #HealingFromTrauma #CrisisOfFaith #TraumaRecovery

Jun 13, 2024

Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles? In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to establish clear expectations for your teen without causing power struggles Why understanding the root causes of behavior is essential for effective parenting Practical tips for setting boundaries that promote cooperation, not conflict The Behavior Needs Roadmap: A solution-focused approach to meeting your teen’s needs and teaching life skills 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Parenting is a skill set that can be learned and developed over time—it's never too late to improve your relationship with your teen. Understanding the root causes of your teen’s behavior helps you address the issue, rather than just punishing the symptoms. Setting boundaries with your teen in advance and involving them in the process leads to mutual respect and cooperation. Teens crave authentic connection and trust with their parents. Show a genuine interest in their lives, and you’ll strengthen your bond. Prevent power struggles by creating a respectful relationship where boundaries are clear and communication is consistent. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE Guide: Connect in Just 10 Minutes a Day FREE Guide: How to Stop Yelling EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 - Parenting as a Skill Set 03:15 - Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior 07:39 - Setting Boundaries with Mutual Respect 10:46 - The Behavior Needs Roadmap 14:21 - Navigating Challenges: Phone Usage 27:20 - Engaging with Teens in Their Interests 31:37 - Building Trust and Connection through Small Conversations 34:07 - Preventing Power Struggles through Trust and Boundaries 37:40 - It’s Never Too Late to Make Change CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: TIA SLIGHTHAM Website: www.tiaslightham.com Instagram: @tiaparentingcoach TikTok: @parentingcoach YouTube: Tia Slightham - Parenting Solutions CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: DR. CAM CASWELL Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face. She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show. Tia Slightham (00:41.153) Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it. Dr. Cam (00:44.022) Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach? Tia Slightham (00:48.545) Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada. I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day. Dr. Cam (02:53.462) It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop. Tia Slightham (03:15.777) Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical. Dr. Cam (03:44.15) Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly. How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it. Tia Slightham (04:26.145) I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change. Dr. Cam (04:36.534) Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even. Tia Slightham (04:47.905) Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one. Dr. Cam (06:07.094) People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment. Tia Slightham (06:23.137) Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap. Dr. Cam (06:28.342) This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them? Tia Slightham (07:10.881) So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different. But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change. Dr. Cam (07:54.23) I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah. Tia Slightham (07:58.753) Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance. So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying. When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not. Dr. Cam (10:50.582) There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night? Tia Slightham (11:32.065) So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over control your child, when you go to set that boundary, they're not gonna wanna follow through for you. They're not gonna wanna respect you. And so that's where all the pieces of the puzzle are so critical and looking at that behavior needs roadmap to set your child up for success so they can cooperate in those moments is critical. So if you take what we're talking about today, if you're listening and you try and implement and you're like, but it didn't really work the way I wanted it to work, ask yourself, do I feel like I'm still punishing? Am I still engaging in power struggles? Because then that's where we wanna dig deeper and do some work. Surface implementations are tricky if we don't have those root things resolved, okay? Yeah. And people will often go, I tried it once, it didn't work. So I'm going back to the way that I've been doing it for years. That doesn't work. And it's been making things worse. So I think it's not going to likely work the first time for multiple reasons. First of all, you're still developing the skill, so you're not great at it. And second of all, your teen also has habits that need to break and they're used to it. And they have to trust you. They have to trust you. And right now they don't. They don't trust you because maybe you live in what we call the gray zone, where sometimes you give in and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you yell and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're patient, sometimes you're not. And so our kids have a hard time trusting us. And because they're born with those two predetermined jobs to please you and to push boundaries until boundaries are found, if you're in the gray zone and you're inconsistent with your boundaries, of course, you're not going to be able to do that they're pushing you and pushing you. So it takes time to keep setting and setting boundaries consistently so we can build that trust back. Dr. Cam (13:26.518) What's important here too, and what I think is very different with teenagers as well is those boundaries, we have to be very, very clear, even to ourselves, because all us parents, and they can't explain why that boundary is there at all. I'm like, well, if you can explain it, how are you teaching your teen why that's a necessary boundary? And now they don't trust you because they don't understand why that boundary just feels like control, nothing else. We need to be clear and we also need to continuously adapt as our kids shows, I'm okay in this boundary because we're learning them. So let's go now, we've laid out that. So now let's go. Our teen, we have told them over and over again, do not use your phone at night. And it is either I take it away and they get really upset or I don't take it away and they look at it all night long. How do I establish this boundary without a fight every night? Tia Slightham (14:21.409) Yeah, so we're going to go back to that three step plan and let's like put that in play. So we need to identify, we call it three C's boundaries. So yes, you mentioned it being very clear. We call it concrete, clear and consistent. What are those three C's boundaries that we need our kids to follow? So I use my own kids for an example, 15 and almost 13. My fifth, they're both into Snapchat and all the things and they want to be on their phone and I want them to socialize and I want them to be able to create their own social plans. And I think all of that is positive when we have boundaries around it. And so in our house, our boundaries that are concrete, clear and consistent are, you know, I know where each of them plug their phones in at night and where that is out of their rooms downstairs. I need their iPads and their computers, invisible site the top of the stairs so that I'm not searching for them and when I see them sitting there and the phones are plugged in, we're good. We've got our plan in place. I don't want any devices in their rooms after a certain time. My 15 year old has a different time than my almost 13 year old. We've sat down, we've had the conversations about where those devices need to go, what time those devices need to come out, that I'm not going to give reminders for the devices. If I just don't see it at the top of the stairs, I'm not searching for it. That means I'm assuming it's in your room. So we're really putting the control on our kids to say, do I have the self -management skills to put the things where they need to go? Can I handle these devices? Can I handle having boundaries around these devices? And then letting them know in advance what will happen when those devices aren't in those right spots. Or you come out of your room 10 minutes later than we talked about that it's an automatic, this is what will happen, we don't even need to talk about it because they know and I know. This is where you decrease the yelling and the anger and the you're taking things away from me, you're trying to control me. When you set it up like this, because it's now, shoot, you're right, I did come out of my room 10 minutes late. Shoot, you're right, I didn't plug my phone in. Instead of you doing everything to your kids, they're making choices for themselves. And then for us, our follow through is that when those things don't follow through, then the next day, we're a tech -free day. You can take your computer to school for when you need it, but you know what? I'll keep your phone for the day. It's a want to have, it's not a need to have. I know you love it, but it'll just be mine for the day and we'll reset. If parents are really struggling, their kids are like, well, I don't care if I lose it for a day. And we have to really think about what they're motivated by. If your kids, most of them are motivated by device and not to have it for a day is a bummer. But if they're not then you need to look at what their true motivation is when you set up your follow through or your positive discipline consequence. Does that make sense? Dr. Cam (17:10.998) Completely. And I think the other thing, and I want to get your opinion on this because I think one of the things I see that happens a lot is when we set that boundary up or that rule up, we set it up based on our perspective and our need and our solution. And especially when kids are older, if we're not taking into account their needs and they're a solution that actually works for them, a lot of times our solutions are counter to what their needs are, they're not, they're going to have a fit. They're not going to listen. And then it sounds like, this kid's a pain in the butt and he just wants what he wants. But he does want what he wants. We all want what we want. But if he's getting that upset, he's not getting something really important. It could be, yes, the phone, but what is it about the phone that's so important? And we need to understand that, right? Tia Slightham (18:05.569) Yeah, we have to see things from their perspective. And that's where I say involve your kids in your conversations when you're setting the boundaries. So my kids have always gone to bed early and way earlier than all their friends because I know how important sleep is. And I know that they show up and they listen and they cooperate and they do well at school and they feel better when they get to sleep. And a lot of times our teens don't think they need sleep. But if you're waking your kids up every single morning for school and dragging them out of bed they are not getting enough sleep and a lot of your power struggles are stemming from that need not being met on that roadmap. So a lot of times what happens is we are, we're setting boundaries for what our kids need, because we actually do, I mean, I hate to say it, but we know a little bit more than them, but it's not maybe what they want. And so when we think about what they want versus what they need. That's where we need to meet them in the middle a little bit. And that's where communication is key. And if we're really engaging in power struggles and anger with our teens, they're not gonna wanna open up to you. They're gonna feel overpowered or they're gonna be in trouble or you're gonna take something away. So if I look at Hudson, who's my 15 year old and we talk about what happened with their early bedtimes, he came to me and he said, mommy, I am, he still calls me mommy though, but mommy, I am 15 and I think I could stay up a little bit later. I think I could and I don't want to sneak my device, but I do want to stay up a little bit later. What do you think? And I thought, you know what? Thank you for coming to me. Let's talk about it. What, what do you think? I think, why don't you, you know, bring your device out around 10 or 1015. You decide some nights we might have to do it earlier if we've had some big function happening, but for the most part that should work. And as long as it's out on the landing at 10 or 1015, let's do that. Does that feel good? Yeah, I like that. Okay, great. So little brother doesn't know that's happening. He goes to bed, he's fine. And big brother gets to have that independence and autonomy. But I had to think about, yeah, he does want to stay up a little later. He can manage that. And I want him to know he can come to me and I'm going to work with him within reason. Now the conversation was, if we start to see, you know, spiral in schoolwork, you're feeling exhausted, you're really irritable and moody and you can't really handle it. We might need to back it back up. So these are the things I'm looking for. So he knew it's worked out great. It's been fantastic. He feels heard. I feel seen. Everybody's happy. Dr. Cam (20:29.174) It's important that we're including the kids in this. And I know there is still people holding very strongly to kind of the beliefs of what were when we were younger. Like, I'm the parent, I'm the authority, I don't need to deal with whatever you have to say is not important. I know best, I'm just gonna take it. It's okay to do that if you are okay with the fact that you're not gonna have a connection, they're gonna fight back, and you're not gonna actually teach them any skills. That's fine, like go for it. But I think it's really important to realize we know now because we've evolved, just like physical health and everything else, we've learned so much more on how to take care of ourselves and how much better to interact with our kids to teach them the skills. I want to throw that out there because I know there's people that are just not even open to it and it's going to take time. But one of the things I think parents really struggle with with this when it comes to boundaries is that line between being like the authority and this is it and just listen to me and being passive and just going, okay, whatever you need, we're just going to listen to you. And we kind of... pendulum swing between the two and neither work well. How do we find this middle? What does a boundary look like in the middle? Tia Slightham (21:57.601) So we're kind of we're stuck in what we call either being the overpowering tiger where your kids need to listen to you because you said so or the wet doormat where your kids just walk all over you and you're right neither of them work and then we want to get to that positive discipline parent where we have mutual respect and so the boundary looks like we talked about in advance, bringing your kids on board, having conversations with them, hearing out what they need, what their wants are, meeting them in the middle where it makes sense, building that open line of communication so you're not just saying it's this way or the highway, but really bringing them on board. And I think what happens is parents are afraid to bring their kids on board because they're afraid they're going to lose control. But what we don't realize is we've already lost control if you're yelling and screaming and trying to force your kids. Dr. Cam (22:51.098) And like you said, we're not actually teaching them any skills or we're teaching even worse, we're teaching them the skill of here's how you get what you get your way. You yell and scream until we give in. And that is not a great skill to take out into the world. Like that's what we're teaching. Tia Slightham (23:09.185) Yeah, and if you think about Hudson with his iPad, there were a lot of skills that were taught. He was taught that when he does the things that we talk about and we build trust, he gets more independence, he gets more freedom, more time on his phone, that he's managing the clock and watching that on his own, even if he's in the middle of something that he's enjoying, that he can have that freedom. He's learning that when I choose not to do that Gosh, things don't work out the way that I want them to work out, but when I make a better choice, it does. Whereas if you just yell and scream and take the device and say, that's it, you're done, I've already asked you 92 times to get off of it, we actually didn't teach any of those things. Dr. Cam (23:47.878) Right. And we actually just made them want it more. So now it's just become an even more desirable thing and we've become the enemy. So I think... Tia Slightham (23:57.633) And part of them wanting it more is the fact that they're looking for something and someone to bond and connect with. And with teens, I know as a teen mom, it's very scary, the internet and phones, and they're talking to people from all over in different schools. And the idea is that if we don't build a strong bonding connection with our kids where they feel like they trust us and they can lean on us and they're not afraid of us they're gonna look for that in other places that are not healthy places. And so I think our kids who are so addicted to phones, it's because they're missing a really strong bond and connection with their parents. And I know a lot of parents are probably saying right now, well, my teen wants nothing to do with me. My teen doesn't wanna talk to me. They don't like me. They say they hate me. They want to connect with you so desperately, but they don't know how. And as parents, we have to say, I'm not gonna wait around for my teen to figure out how to make this right. They are the child. I need to figure out how to make this right. Dr. Cam (24:58.422) We know nothing else works without connection and trust. It just doesn't. Like you know, it does not work without it. And trust is not something you can say, hey kid, trust me. That does not work. I've never seen that work, nor respect. Fear and respect, not the same thing, right? Trust and respect is something that you earn and grow over time. And how we do that is by trusting and respecting them which a lot of parents just don't feel comfortable doing. So explain to me a little bit on how do you start building that trust with a kid that right now wants nothing to do with you and has no trust in you and you do not trust anything they say or do either. Because I hear this a lot. Tia Slightham (25:51.713) Hmm. Yeah. So we have to start small and we have to remove the pressure. So a lot of times what we think is that we talk about how our kids need to be connected to us, but more so than anything, we also really need to be connected to our kids. Parents feel so down and sad and regretful and shame and empty when you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids. So as much as they need us, we also need them. And so we have to remember, look at the whole picture and say, gosh, we've been in this combative state. Like I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Like I wouldn't want to really be my friend right now either. So how can I dip my toe back in and sort of open things up with them? So we've got to get to a place where I always say to parents, start working on one area. So if you're going to start setting boundaries, choose one area. It's morning routines, it's devices. Maybe it's coming home from school and your homework routines. You're not going to fix everything at once or not ripping the carpet out. So choose one area that you might want to focus on when you start to build those boundaries, but at the same time, build your relationship. So what I mean is we do what's called golden time. It's like a five ingredient formula and every, you know, psychologist and doctor and teacher and parenting expert does some sort of form of this where they want you to spend quality time with your kids. I mean, it makes perfect sense. So I want you just to carve out, even if it's five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. where you show interest in your teenager. And that interest might be where you say, can you show me, let's do that TikTok dance together. Like I'm terrible at those things. My rhythm is not what my 13 year olds is. But you know what? It's pretty fun to sit down and do it together and they giggle with you and they laugh at you. It might be, hey, let me play that NASCAR game with you and show me, how do I even use this remote? Show interest in what they're interested in because most of the time what they think is the things they like are the things we hate, the things we don't want them on, the things we don't want them to do. And so they feel no connection or sort of a sense of alignment with us. So I want you to think about engaging with them in something that they're interested in. They will be so pleased to see that you are interested in something they're interested in. Dr. Cam (28:10.294) There are several points I just want to reiterate because it's so important. The first one is they do want to connect with you. I mean, years and years and years of talking to teens, every single one wants a connection with their parent, but not in the way that we're insisting we have it. I think that's part of it is that they want a connection with us in a real authentic connection, not in a mom and dad define what we do, what it looks like, how I have to act, when you define everything and it's a controlled situation that fits your needs, your kid wants nothing to do with it. So if you want to connect with your teen exactly what you said, be interested in what they're interested in. It is like magic. Magic. my gosh. Tia Slightham (28:57.473) their eyes will light up. They will look at you like you have nine heads. Like, what? you're interested in this? Dr. Cam (29:04.918) It's so fun and I love talking to teens and you just kind of throw out different ideas and just see what lights them up. It's just like you said, it's like throw a few things out and you'll see because they'll latch onto it and then they can just go when you find the right thing. Tia Slightham (29:17.441) Hmm, something as simple as would you like to walk to Starbucks? You know, like it's amazing the conversations I have when I take the dog and I invite one of my kids and say, let's walk to ice cream or walk to Starbucks. Like maybe it's, maybe it's ice cream. If they're not interested in Starbucks, most of the kids are like, yeah, let's go do that. but we've got to get to a place where they feel like when they go for that walk, it's not going to be your opportunity to corner them into all the things they're doing wrong, but it's just a free flowing conversation and once you start, a lot of times people will say, well, my teens shut down. My teens won't open up. My teens don't want to talk, but we're not giving them the right place and time and environment to allow them to open up. Last night we were at dinner, the four of us and both my boys are really getting into the girls and the dating and this is a whole new world for me. So I brought up with my younger one, how so and so doing? And he said, well, I actually want to talk to you when you tuck me in tonight because we have really good chats then and I said, is it kind of private? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, let's talk about it then. I thought how amazing that he knows what time of day is going to be a time that he can kind of off leash his thoughts and his feelings and come to me for advice and an ear to listen. And so it might be car rides for some kids. I always say before bed is a great time. My kids love their backs scratched. I lay down and scratch their back. We talk for a few minutes. It's not a, I'm not singing songs anymore and I'm not reading fairy tales. I wish I was, but we're scratching backs and we're talking, but they know that there's times on the walk or before bed that it's going to be a one -on -one opportunity for them to feel safe. And I think as parents, we need to carve out those times, whether you have younger kids or teens so your kids know that you're available and that you really want to be with them. Dr. Cam (31:08.374) Yeah, this requires a lot of patience because parents may listen and go, okay, today I'm going to invite them to Starbucks and this is going to be great. Chances are great that they might say no, that if they even said yes, they're not going to say a word to you. That is okay. You've made the first step. Keep inviting them. Keep having really teeny short little blips of conversations where it doesn't go south fast. Right? Tia Slightham (31:20.641) Yes And don't make it personal when they shut you down. Dr. Cam (31:39.894) No, not at all. Not at all. And I think that's what's really hard too, is it's very, very difficult for us to not take it personally. We're like, my gosh, what it... And it is, it's a matter of they are very concerned about our judgment. They are very concerned about getting our approval or not getting it. And so it's easier just to not do anything than to risk getting a disappointed look or lecture. And I think we get stuck there a lot. Tia Slightham (32:10.145) Yeah, and when you start, if they take an inch and they come in and they allow you to go for that walk or they just remind yourself that just listening is like the best thing you can do in that moment. You don't have to give your opinion. You don't need to come in hard and strong. Just listen. And it's amazing what they'll start to open up with when you just keep trying, pressure free, keep inviting, keep carving out time and keep your ears open. Dr. Cam (32:40.406) I want to circle this back to the boundaries and the power struggles and just be very help people tie what we're talking about to that. The whole point of this is when we have those trusting, respectful relationships with our kids and we set boundaries with them for their safety and we're clear with them, they don't fight back to that point. They may say, I disagree and can we listen and you talk about it and you figure it out, but you don't have those knockout, drag down power struggles anymore because they trust you. So building those relationships, that is what removes the need for the power struggles and the need for the frustration. They're not listening to me. Tia Slightham (33:35.329) Because deep down the why behind the behavior, why they're power struggling so much is those power and attention needs, that relationship, that bond is not met. Or our parenting is inconsistent and we're gray. Or we're giving in sometimes, or we're yelling, or we're overpowering. So all of those little pieces are why they give you such a hard time when you try and set a boundary. And when we can start to build that relationship and that trust, they're not doing it to get back at you anymore. It no longer becomes about you and your child. It becomes about the phone or the homework or the issue that you're dealing with. Whereas right now, for most parents, it's about you two instead of the actual issue itself. Dr. Cam (34:20.598) Yeah, it really is because when that's taken care of and the thing is, you're still going to have issues. Kids are still going to have, do things that you're like, that was not a good decision. You're still going to disagree with things. The thing is when you have that foundation, it's not that big a deal. Like you deal with it, you connect over it, you talk about it, you move through it and you're done with it and you're more connected before. And the two of us are both parents of teenagers and so we're speaking from actual experience. Like this is how we live. Like I do not have power struggles with my teenager, but she is extremely respectful and responsible and participates in the house and does all the things with no arguing. Tia Slightham (35:10.273) because you're meeting all those needs and you're starting that relationship. We were driving to school the other day and I said to the boys, I'm just gonna lay it out for you guys, just so you know. You're teenagers, which means you're gonna make a lot of really stupid decisions. I know it. Like I did it, I was a teenager. I know. I said my job is to help you make the smartest of the bad decisions, the smartest of the stupid decisions. Dr. Cam (35:11.702) because we are very connected and she trusts me. I still do Tia. I still make dumbest decisions. Tia Slightham (35:39.585) So when I'm talking to you about things, it's only so that I can help you because your logical brain, you're not developed to where you're gonna be and as adults, we're still learning. So think about where you're at. But I just want you to know that I'm not here to make you feel badly about your decisions. I'm not here to make you feel badly about your mistakes. I just wanna help you learn from them because there's gonna be a lot of bad decisions, because that's what happens as we're growing up. It's how you learn. But I think having our kids know that is also important because a lot of times our teens in particular really fear letting us down. They fear getting in trouble. They fear that they can't please us in any way because we're always so angry with them. And I think that goes back to that connection and trust, but it's also connected like a giant spider web. Dr. Cam (36:13.718) Yeah, it really is. And I think starting right there with if you are constantly angry at your teenager, that's the place you need to start because you need to think through that anger because approaching your child in anger or viewing everything they do through that lens of anger will not build a connection because now you have this big barrier up and you just can't, you can't see through it. And that is so incredibly hard to do. None of this is easy. It is worthwhile though. my gosh, it is so worthwhile for you and for your kid. So Tia, what is like one big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with from this episode? Tia Slightham (37:03.009) Yep, absolutely. That it's never too late. And so often we say, well, my child's a preteen or a teen and there's no way we're gonna be able to make changes. I've already damaged my child. I've already created too much trauma. Our relationship's already shot and everything is fixable and it's never too late. And if your child is 16, 17, 18, they're still only been in this world 16, 17, 18 years. They're still little. They still have so much life to live. And if you want to build that relationship with your kids, you can turn things around with the skill set, with the tools, with the foundations. Dr. Cam (37:47.478) Yeah, one of the fastest ways to do that is to apologize. Because if we just say, hey, I, looking back, I'm not thrilled with the way I handled this. I know that we caused, I caused some chaos and some conflict and I, it's not the best. Because when we do that, sometimes the kids hold grudges for so long because they just are waiting for that one word, two words, I'm sorry. That's all they need to hear and all of a sudden so much of it can be pushed in the past and we can move forward if we're willing to look at that. I think that's it. Tia Slightham (38:22.849) Yeah, and that repair piece is so important. But one of the pieces that I really want to emphasize to parents is you can apologize and repair, but then what we want to role model with that is that we're going to do something different next time. Because a lot of times we say sorry for yelling and exploding, but the next day we just yell and explode again. So again, we lose trust because our apology is kind of meaningless. Dr. Cam (38:43.126) We do it again. Tia Slightham (38:48.353) So if you're really wanting to make changes, you do want to apologize and take ownership to your actions and your behaviors. But then you need to say to your kids, but hey, I'm working with a psychologist or a coach or I'm taking this program because I actually want to learn how to do things differently because I want to be the parent here. And it's not your responsibility, it's mine. But that takes learning the skills and it's not something you can just go to bed at night and say tomorrow will be better. You have to actually get guidance. Dr. Cam (39:07.926) Yeah, it is like any other task or job or anything we do, we need to learn it to get better at it and practice it to get better at it. Tia, how do people find you? Tia Slightham (39:29.665) gosh, I would say Instagram's probably the easiest place. I'm at Tia Parenting Coach and there's tons of videos and trainings and support there. And they can definitely DM me from there or they're welcome to go to my website, tiaslitem .com. Dr. Cam (39:45.43) I love it. Tia, thank you so much for jumping on with us today. I appreciate it. Tia Slightham (39:48.513) Yeah, I could chat for days with you, so we'll do it again. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parenting #teenboundaries #teencommunication

Jun 11, 2024

Is your teen's emotional meltdown leaving you feeling overwhelmed and powerless? You're not alone—73% of parents face this challenge. But what if you could learn how to de-escalate these situations and strengthen your bond with your teen? In this episode, I’m joined by Karleen Savage, a former hostage negotiator and conflict resolution expert. Karleen now helps parents like you master the art of diffusing teen meltdowns and creating calm, cooperative interactions. She shares proven strategies to navigate your teen's intense emotions with confidence, build trust, and create a positive environment that helps your teen thrive. 4 KEY TAKEWAYS FOR PARENTS: Learn how to de-escalate conflicts by understanding your teen's perspective and avoiding assumptions. Use open-ended questions and active listening to connect with your teen’s needs and emotions. Build a stronger relationship with your teen by showing empathy, owning up to mistakes, and fostering trust. Discover how parents can handle challenging moments with confidence, creating a respectful and supportive relationship. ENJOYING THE SHOW? Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE digital download of Karleen’s book, The Confident Teen Blueprint Connect with Karleen: Facebook: @KarleenSavage Instagram: @KarleenSavage LinkedIn: Karleen Savage Connect with Dr. Cam: Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive. #TeenParenting #TeenConflictResolution #ParentingTips #TeenEmotions #ParentingTeenagers #DeescalatingTeenAnger #ParentingExpert #FamilyDynamics #TeenMeltdowns #ConflictManagement

Jun 6, 2024

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to overcome mom guilt and unrealistic expectations Why self-care and self-love are crucial for moms raising teens Practical tips for finding moments of quiet and decompressing as a busy mom How to let go of excessive worrying and trust your teen’s abilities 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Moms often feel alone and not good enough, but remember, you're not alone—many other moms are navigating the same struggles. Guilt in motherhood stems from societal expectations of perfection, but it’s time to let go of comparing yourself to others. Prioritize self-care and self-love to feel fulfilled and be a positive role model for your children. Simple self-care activities, like deep breathing or taking a walk, can help you decompress and recharge. Let go of excessive worrying about your teen’s choices and trust in their ability to grow and learn independently. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Hang in There, Mama 6-WEEK GRATITUDE JOURNAL for MOMS RAISING TWEENS, TEENS, and YOUNG ADULTS! EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 - Finding Peace and Joy in Motherhood 04:34 - Overcoming Mom Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations 08:15 - The Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love 12:26 - Practical Tips for Prioritizing Self-Care 26:29 - Letting Go of Excessive Worrying CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn Website: Hang in There Mama Instagram: @hang.in.there.mama Facebook: @hangintheremama CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00): Hey parents, ever feel completely drained like there's nothing left in the tank for you or your kids, but the idea of me time triggers guilt? You're not alone. A whopping 80 % of moms wrestle with this, but what if we could ditch the guilt and find peace and joy in motherhood? That's exactly what we're tackling today. I'm joined by Ali Flynn, the mastermind behind Hang In There Mama. Ali understands the unique challenges of raising teens. We're going to get into real actionable tips to help you ditch the guilt and carve out moments to recharge even with your crazy schedule. Because guess what? A happy, healthy you means a happier, healthier family. Allie, welcome to the show. Ali Flynn (00:41.198): Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be on with you. Dr. Cam (00:44.017): First I want to hear what inspired you to launch Hang in there, Mama. Ali Flynn (00:51.15): Honestly, it really came down to I wanted to share with people all of the encouragement and inspiration that I really wanted to hear myself, that I wasn't hearing all the time. I felt really alone at times in my motherhood journey. I felt really lost. I felt not good enough. I didn't sometimes know what I was doing, but I felt like we're in this perfection mode of being a mom and how do I actually offer that honesty up to people. And I just wanted moms to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone in this. We are all sort of struggling along this journey at times. And you know, you don't have to feel lost within it. Dr. Cam (01:35.665): Yeah, I think it's so important and I love that you're putting out there that support because you're absolutely right. And I think especially when our kids get into the teen years, we feel the most isolated because I think there's this belief that we should have it figured out by now. So we're afraid to ask for help, but raising teens is not raising kids. It's a whole new skill set. And so asking for help, I think realizing other people are struggling with it gives us permission to ask for help. Are you finding that? Ali Flynn (02:10.286): Exactly, exactly. And I feel like you're spot on with that in the sense of a lot of moms when they enter the teen years with their kids, they completely hibernate, they retreat, they stop sharing, they stop talking. Oftentimes, you know, it's that tween years of entering the middle school time where you're not at the elementary school anymore, you're not at the bus stop, you're not at the birthday parties. So you lose some of the engagement unless you have sort of created a sort of a basis of friends and a network that you can rely on. But then if you don't have that, you sort of feel alone, but you also don't feel comfortable sharing everything and being honest. And then you have sort of part two, which is as our teens grow up you want to give them their privacy, right? When they're little and they're not reaching milestones, you can sort of share that information. But now you have teenagers and what are parents going to maybe share with their teen and then it gets throughout the school. And so it just becomes this vicious cycle at times. So sort of knowing that other people are going through it and really believing that allows you to be more transparent and get the support you need. Dr. Cam (03:13.649): Absolutely. It’s a fine line because you do want whatever your team tells you and whatever's going with your team to be confidential between you and your team, but how do you get help that way? So how do you find a safe network of people that you can trust with that information that can give you that insight back that's not going to feel like you're betraying your teenager? Like it is, it's this whole complicated thing. What's interesting when you're describing what moms do, particularly, and we're particularly talking about moms, because I think we burden a lot of the guilt, which I'm still confused why we get more guilt, but I think that's just mom, women in general, like to take on guilt. But it's interesting the way you were describing what moms do is exactly how we describe what our teens are doing, where we're like hibernating and we're hiding, and it's that same sense of just protection. So. Ali Flynn (04:17.74): Exactly. Dr. Cam (04:18.673): Now we're going and saying, hey, you're not alone. That doesn't relieve our guilt and it doesn't make our lives less crazy so that we can take care of ourselves. So let's talk about first the guilt. Where does this guilt come from? Ali Flynn (04:34.926): I truly believe it comes from everything that we are being fed through society. We as moms are being fed that we have to be perfect. We have to have everything aligned. We have to know at all moments, every single day, 365 days a year, what we are doing and know with complete trust that we are doing the right thing. And it's just unrealistic. It's an unrealistic expectation on women, on mothers. It's an unrealistic expectation for our children to think that we're perfect. So I think it becomes this trap of we are fed this through what we read, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. So how do you get out of it? Right. And then you go down that path and that rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other moms, comparing yourself to what you see on social media as you're scrolling. And it just, it's such an unhealthy concept that we have to get out of. And I think the only way to get out of it is by really being open and honest with each other as moms and, you know, letting go of some of that protective barrier and saying like, this is what I'm going through or am I the only one? And see sort of what happens and sort of create that village for yourself of moms who are willing to be transparent. Dr. Cam (06:02.225): I think a lot of parents think that what they're going through is completely unique. And yet I'm sure you hear this too, but in what I do, I hear the same concerns and complaints and worries over and over and over again. And so because they are common struggles that we have at this stage because of the stage and because of just what you said is this view of what that's supposed to look like. And I think, I always talk about we're concerned about the impact of comparison and social media on our kids. And I keep seeing that. I think it has more negative impact on us as parents on our expectations down to our kids. Because I have parents all the time tell me, well, everyone else has a, no, they don't. They do not have it figured out. But then we put down those expectations and expect our kids to be a certain way which then changes how we parent because we don't have the ability to be as compassionate because we're more fearful. Do you see that as well? Ali Flynn (07:04.558): Right. You know, and I see we're comparing ourselves in so many ways, just like our teens are doing, right? So moms are comparing what we look like to how we're behaving, to what vacations are we going on? How are we incorporating fun into our kids' worlds, right? But we're forgetting that this is just a presence. This is not reality. This is what people put out there isn't truth all the time, right? So why are we sucking down that trap that we don't want our kids to go down, right? So it's sort of like we need to get our self together and recognize this so we can model it for our own kids. Dr. Cam (07:39.409): I think the other thing that we juggle is this, you know, this good enough mom, which I think there's this falsehood that that just means we kind of just give up in a way. Like we're just going to, this is what it is and we're just going to deal with it versus this, we're not going to be perfect, but we can still grow and learn and be better. How do we separate the growth from the guilt? Ali Flynn (08:15.822): Well, I always talk to moms about how we are on this journey evolving over and over and over again. We are not the same mom that we were when our child was born, when they were infants, toddlers, teens, or even young adults, right? And older adults. We have to change with them. We have to learn. We have to grow. And if we don't do that, we're going to get caught in this trap. And if you get caught in that trap, you do feel not good enough because you are also not evolving. But the concept of not feeling good enough, it's like such nonsense to me, right? Because we are good enough and we know we're good enough, but we are taking in all these negative messages and believing that we're not good enough. So it's really just stopping that path and believing and supporting ourselves through self-love and self-care to then model for our kids that they also are good enough, right? Not for them to feel that way, not for them to get caught in this vicious cycle. So I think there's so many layers and elements to this. We could probably talk for hours about it. Right? And you see it all the time. And it's just really, it's something that I'm so passionate about because we have to change the narrative. Dr. Cam (09:27.185): I think it's the difference between being good enough and not, not being good enough and not knowing enough. We are good enough, but there's always more we can know. I mean, you and I do this day in and day out and I'm still reading books every day. I'm still taking classes. I'm ex, I'm interviewing experts like you. I still don't know everything. So there's no way for us, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I've got lots more I can learn. There's nothing wrong with that. Ali Flynn (10:05.982) And I think also, we're always evolving, we're learning, right? We're growing, we're growing along with our kids. But we also have to recognize that we have to expand, right? We have to allow ourselves to recognize that we are good enough, and we are good enough for our family, right? So that's sort of also where my mindset shifted. I did this change and said to myself, rather than thinking I'm not good enough for the whole world, it doesn't matter about the whole world. This is my family of six, and I'm going to do for my family of six what I know they need from me. And I'm not going to worry about the neighbor next door. I'm going to care for my neighbor next door, and I will worry about them. But I'm not going to invest my time in over-analyzing what they are doing in comparison to what I'm doing, because I'm the only one who knows what my particular kids need. Focus on that, right? Do what is right for your family and ignore the chatter of what everyone else is doing. Dr. Cam (11:06.179) I think a lot of that chatter is chatter we make up too. The fear of what we think they may be thinking, and then we get stuck in that, and that kind of gets us down that trap. And I think the other thing to just consider is when we admit and take accountability that there's more we can learn, that doesn't say that what we have done in the past has been failure. We've done the best we could with everything we know, and that's okay. But we can always know more if we want to change the dynamic. That's all there is to it. That's not saying we failed. It's just saying we still have room to go. So now we're going to slowly but surely—because this is a difficult thing for us to do—let go of guilt because we were born and raised to embrace it. Let's be real. And we are passing that guilt burden onto our kids in many ways as well. But how do we now model taking care of ourselves? Because I think this is the other thing where we tend to sacrifice our own well-being for the well-being of our kids. And Ali, tell us why that does not work long-term. Ali Flynn (12:26.99) Yet this is something that it took me a long time to realize. And it took me a long time to recognize that I personally was doing this, right? I had this thought that being a good mom and being a good enough mom meant that I was completely 100% selfless. I was selfless. But that selflessness caught up to me, right? So here I was, a younger mom, giving, giving, giving, overly giving, but it turned into sort of self-sabotage. And then, as I'm giving, I'm becoming more hostile. I'm retreating. I'm getting upset about the littlest things. I don't feel enough, but I also don't feel fulfilled. And it's sort of this dynamic where I love being a mother, but I'm not feeling fulfilled at the same time. And why is that happening? It's this dichotomy that I have to think about. And I think I'm a very reflective person. So I could sit back and say, wait a second, this is not what being a mom is about. Being a mom does not mean completely getting lost in just my family and not focusing on myself at all. And being a mom doesn't mean being completely selfless because what am I modeling to my kids? I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figure out what to do. And it was slow baby steps for me that I had to incorporate self-care back into my, really, my daily and weekly routine that I let go of for so long. Dr. Cam (14:28.721) It's hard to shift that mindset. I think that mindset is so ingrained in us. And then how do you balance this need for, yes, we do have a responsibility to take care of our kids and take care of our family, and that is an enormously hefty job. So how do you balance that with still saying, but I still need to take care of myself without going, well, now I'm going to be selfish and put me first, which means now I put them second? Like that's kind of, we kind of feel like it's one or the other. How do we find that middle ground? Ali Flynn (15:05.358) Right, and this is, yeah, and that's where the mom guilt comes in, and that's where the "I'm not enough" comes in. Because when we are selfless, we feel like, what are we also receiving, and we feel lost. But when we're doing something for ourselves, as moms, we often feel selfish. But self-care and self-love is not selfish. It's not selfish. It's something that we have to do for ourselves. We are human beings, right? We're moms, but we're also still humans who have passions and things that we need to fulfill ourselves and fuel ourselves. So it's really finding that balance, which again, is hard as a mom and especially hard if you are a working mom, especially hard if you don't have a lot of family nearby, if you are divorced, if you are single. The list goes on and on. It is hard to find that balance, but I try to just share with moms, you know, this isn't about taking a spa weekend retreat. This isn't about spending a lot of money. It is truly about sometimes just finding even three minutes of quiet time. And that's it. Three minutes of quiet time just to settle your brain, maybe hop in the shower, go outside on your front yard, take a few deep breaths. It can be simple. That time just to regroup and pause, life-changing. Dr. Cam (16:34.801) It's interesting too, because we do get very worried about how much time our kids are spending on their phones and that this is not good for our mental health. Yet I see parents spending a lot of time on their phones and not having enough time to take care of their own mental health. And it's prioritizing, I believe, right? Because there's—and I'm guilty of this. I'm not saying I don't—I spend way too much time on my phone, you know, and doing things like that going, wait, I could be putting this down and going for a walk. I could be doing those things that take care of me rather than spending time doing this. So how do we become more cognizant of how we're prioritizing our time and how we're using it to take care of ourselves? What are some of the things that we know? You got to take a walk and you got to eat well, and we kind of just go, we know that, we just don't have time. We still don't feel like we have time. How do we change our mindset and find that time? Ali Flynn (17:42.67) Well, I think one of the things you could do is really set up some boundaries for yourself, right? And say, okay, I'm going to recognize I like to scroll a little bit. I need to scroll. It's a mindless activity. I like to not think for a little bit, but I'm not going to do it for two hours. I'm going to give myself a limit, maybe 15-20 minutes, and then I'm going to fill in the blank of what will fulfill you and what is mentally healthier for you. Similar to what we do, a lot of us do with our kids. I know I do this, and it took me a while to figure out, but helping them find that balance. Hey, I've noticed you've been on your phone for an hour or so. Do you wanna go do something? Even if it's, do you wanna go run an errand with me? Or I'm heading on a walk, right? Do you wanna come with me? Or I'm going to go walk the dog. Do you wanna join me? And you can find simple things. I'm about to make dinner. Would you like to help? Just to get them off, but without it being like a demand, a punishment, you know, really talking about the care of yourself while balancing the phone. And I remember during the pandemic, I had four teenagers. I had two eighth graders, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader. Those phones were an appendage to their hands, and it would drive me crazy. And I would just talk to them, and then that would happen. And then I would get, you know, feisty about it and I would, you know, just talk over and over again. They would get annoyed with me. And I remember one day with one of my daughters, I was like, let's go to your screen time. Let me show you your screen time as a visual. Her screen time was off the charts. But I think, like, it took her breath away because she didn't realize when those hours pop up, she didn't realize really how many hours she was on until those numbers appeared. So sometimes you just need that visual also to show you the truth of it, because when you're scrolling, time flies by. You're not even recognizing it, right? When you're walking or exercising, you know the time. It was like five minutes. Dr. Cam (19:44.145) It does. How much more? And Ali, one thing I love about this too is I think when we're transparent about finding time to do things for ourselves that are good for us and saying in front of our kids, my gosh, I'm getting stuck on my phone again. I know I do this with my daughter. I'm like, my gosh, I just spent way too much time on TikTok. I need to go take a walk. And I'm not saying to her, you've spent too much time on TikTok. You need to go take a walk. I'm saying, I've spent it, I'm going to go take a walk, hey, do you want to go with me?" Now it's a whole different thing. It's not about you're doing something bad. It's like, I want to improve myself and my health. I'm just going to share that with you so you're aware of it as well and can start thinking that, like, how much time have I spent? Ali Flynn (20:37.806) Right, well you're role modeling, and then you're essentially putting that little seed in the back burner for her next time maybe to say to herself, have I been on too long? Maybe I should meet up with a friend or go on a walk or whatever they wanna do. It's planting those little seeds. Dr. Cam (20:39.889) They're big seeds. I mean, they grow big. They grow into oak trees eventually. So tell us a few tricks that you might have on what are some really effective ways when we just have moments of time that we can use it really effectively to just kind of decompress, maybe release some of that dopamine, just feel a little bit better. Ali Flynn (20:57.044) I'm sorry. I have three go-tos that have always been my go-tos. One, and I mentioned it before, is breathing. It doesn't mean you have to go into a 20-minute meditation, but simply taking three deep breaths. It could be going into the bathroom and running some cold water on your face or on your wrist to calm down and taking three deep breaths. It could be going out on your backyard or on your front porch and just breathing as you like soak in some vitamin D and sunshine. It could be being in your car and just taking three deep breaths in and out. It will do the trick, right? It calms you in moments of stress, sadness, any type of emotion, or even if you just feel like you're not grounded in that moment, it will ground you. So that's one thing. I personally meditate every day, or I try to meditate every day if I can, but that's about 20 minutes. But if I don't have that time, it's just three deep breaths. And I actually do it every night. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, even I take three deep breaths before I close. I close my eyes, take the three deep breaths and just exhale everything from the day. And it just allows me to feel like I'm releasing everything from that day to start new for tomorrow. The second thing that I tend to also do is I walk a lot. And it doesn't even have to be a fast walk. Sometimes I just walk up and down my driveway. I happened to have to take my father to a doctor's appointment recently. I walked in the parking lot and I listened to a podcast. So I try to listen to sort of meditative music or a podcast, something that is going to either soothe me or, again, like what we're talking about before, I'm gonna learn something from it. The other thing I also do is I journal a lot. So it doesn't have to be pages upon pages. You don't have to have the stress of it, but I just journal, right? I can actually, sometimes I'll use a journal that's blank and just basically word vomit all over the page, whatever I need to say. Other times I use journals that have some prompts. It's sort of dependent on my mood, but I don't stress about it, right? So I used to be an English teacher for middle school. So many of my students hated to read and they hated to write. And the reason why is because they were forced to do book logs, journal entries. And then I think as people move forward, they still have like a negative connotation sometimes, like it's gonna take up so much time or what do they have to do for it? It's an obligation. But if you look at it as it's just healing or word dumping to get off your chest what you need to move forward, it's very soothing. Dr. Cam (24:13.681): There are so many different things we can do to find that thing. Like, my thing right now is painting the adult paint-by-numbers. Have you done those? Oh my gosh, I was doing coloring, and now I'm doing the paint-by-numbers because I'm doing the whole Taylor Swift poster for my daughter. It's so relaxing, and you’ve got something at the end of it to show too. So just finding that thing that lets you calm your brain. Breathing, to me, works amazingly too. I know people roll their eyes at it, but man, there’s nothing easier and faster to calm down with than just deep breaths. Huh? Ali Flynn (24:48.802): Yup. And you can do it anywhere. You can do it anywhere, right? Yeah. But it’s true. It’s finding what brings you some peace, whether it’s doing some yoga moves, breathing, journaling, walking, running, painting, or coloring. It could be anything. Even watching TV for a few minutes in silence, right? By yourself. So it’s really… and again, it’s not about finding large chunks of time away from your kids. Because I know when you’re a younger mom with younger kids, it’s harder because you’re so inundated with your kids. But as your kids become teens like mine, and even in college, I do have some more time to incorporate. And I will tell you, I am a healthier mom now than I was when my kids were younger. Because I was really in that mindset of I have to be so selfless, or I feel guilty leaving them. Or when they’re watching a little TV show, I should sit on the couch and watch with them. Well, no, I don’t need to do that. I could be in the next room maybe doing some exercise, breathing, journaling, or maybe calling a friend or listening to a podcast. So it’s really finding the healthy version of yourself, and it’s different for everyone. Dr. Cam (26:04.241): I think what’s so key here, and you mentioned this, is that when we’re taking care of ourselves, and we’ve got those moments where we’re able to be calm, we’re able to be a little bit happier, our kids are going to love that way more than us being there 24/7 in a bad mood. That’s not… they don’t want us there. Teenagers do not want us there. They actually want their own time too. A lot of parents are so focused on all their kids all the time. I’m like, you know what? Your kids don’t want you overshadowing them all the time. They want independence. So now’s a great time to go find yourself something else to do to distract yourself from being on top of your teen all the time. Ali Flynn (26:46.254): Absolutely. And that’s something I would say my husband and I did as our teens were growing up. When they were having more independent time with their friends or in their rooms, we actually just sort of sat down and said, okay, they’re on FaceTime. They’re going to be on FaceTime for a good hour. Let’s go take a stroll in the neighborhood. They’re going out to dinner with their friends or playing mini-golf, going to a movie, whatever it might be. You know what? Why don’t we have a date night? So, or, you know, if my husband’s not home, I’ll go on a walk by myself or I will catch up with somebody. Because what am I going to do? For a long time, I did this. Right? When it was my eldest, and she was entering the tween years and becoming more independent, I would just sort of wait. I’d wait for her, and I’d wait on the couch. But then I was getting frustrated because I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I’m like, well, it’s been so many hours. But it would have been much better for me to fulfill those hours of her independence doing something for myself independently. That took some time for me to learn. And that’s why I always want to share with moms, right? Like, you don’t have to sit on the couch and wait. It’s not selfish for you to go do something and then come back and regroup and reconnect with your teen. Dr. Cam (27:53.745): The other thing that we spend a lot of time doing, and again, I speak from my own experience, is we spend an awful lot of our energy and time worrying. A lot of it. And I think there’s this false sense that we’re doing something productive when we’re worrying. We are not. Ali Flynn (28:21.358): We are not. I am that warrior, middle-of-the-night warrior. And that is not productive on many levels. And it never gets me anywhere. Never. And you know what’s so funny? I wrote a writing piece probably two years ago. And it was really about my connection with my oldest daughter, who’s now 21. And it was really about all of those moments and things I worried about that were really nothing to worry about. Because now, where she is now and where we are, it was really more about our relationship and connection with one another. It was one of those reflections of, if I knew then, I wouldn’t have worried about that. Because now I see where we’re at and where we’ve evolved to. And why did I waste so much time perseverating and ruminating at two, three in the morning, losing my sleep? Right? Because then that just causes a rabbit hole for the next day also. So yeah, we really need to let go of some of the worry. And I don’t really know how to, and I don’t know how to advise people to. I think it’s… you know, I think, but I also look at myself and say, I’m a worrier. But I also have friends who worry way more than I do. And I have friends who worry a little bit less than me. But it’s interesting. And I’ll always pose the question to my husband as well: Like, well, are you worried about that? He’s like, no. Dr. Cam (29:51.409): I don’t worry enough sometimes is what I’m worried about because I have given my daughter so much… like, I believe in her so much. I’ve learned to trust her and trust the process. No failure is going to happen, and we’re going to figure it out. But then people will be like, are you not worried about that? I’m like, should I be worried about that? And then I think, well, worrying about it is going to do what? What we’re worrying about, it won’t do anything. Right? Ali Flynn (30:02.764): Right. And that’s where I’m at with my twins, who are my youngest. Because I have four. Now with my twins, they’re seniors. And I feel like, ew, I’m like, wait, should I be worried about that? I’m not worried. Why am I not? And then they have friends who… a lot of my girlfriends’ eldest are my youngest. And they’re worrying up a storm, but they’ll call me to calm them down. It’s like, I don’t know. Like, I think I would have been worried if this was my first, but with wisdom and experience, I’ve realized that with this particular situation, there’s no reason to worry. It’s going to be okay, it will work out. Yes, things could come about and there are failures or whatever happens, but we learn from it and move on. And even now, I see with my third and fourth, I am not even worried about them in the college process. With my first one, my throat was closed. I felt like I could barely breathe. And now I’m like, you’re going to be just fine, right? You’re going to have struggles, that’s normal. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to be okay, I’m not worried. Dr. Cam (31:30.577): We’re going to figure this out. And I think, again, we don’t know if everything’s going to be okay. We can’t, but worrying about it isn’t going to change whether or not it’s going to be okay. That doesn’t change it. So instead of doing that, it’s like, if you’re in a good state of mind, and you’re in a healthy spot and you’re taking care of yourself, then whatever comes, you’re able to cope with it and support it, which is a lot more helpful than being so tense and worried that by the time something happens, you don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to deal with it in a rational, reasonable way. So I think right there, it’s like, I get it. Worry is not rational, but it is something that I want people to really reflect on because we’re fooling ourselves thinking we’re being productive and being effective by doing it. Ali Flynn (32:25.518): Not at all. And I think with my first one, my worry put more stress on her. And then my second one, there was less stress on her from my decrease of worrying. And now, my third and fourth, they’re not as stressed about… I don’t want to say about anything, but I think my stress levels are so much lower that it just brings a commonality of being a little bit less anxious in the house. Now, I wish I had one for my oldest son. Dr. Cam (32:55.761): Yeah. What I'm seeing with that too is it's not, I think we also confuse sometimes stress and anxiety with motivation and passion or that push. And what I've seen is when we remove that anxiety and that worry, what shines through is the passion and the motivation, because now they're not burdened with that. So I've seen that with my daughter too, where she turns to me and looks to me, and if I'm believing in her and I'm not anxious, she believes in herself and goes for it, rather than being anxious about what might happen. And I've just seen that over and over again, and it's absolutely incredible. Do I have worries inside? Heck yeah! But that's my worry, not something I put on her. Ali Flynn (33:48.6): Exactly. Yeah. I try to do the same thing as well. And I see the benefits of it. I mean, it is unreal. When we have that belief and we model that you are capable, you are independent, you have this, right? And we keep some of our quiet inner thoughts of worry inside. And I have four daughters. They go for it. Right? They don't hesitate. And they'll ask me, "Mom, what do you think?" I'm like, "Absolutely, right, but don't be impulsive. Think through it, right? Let's go through all the parameters." But absolutely, you could totally do it. And I think it just shines in so many ways. Whether it's when they're in high school or as they get into college. You know, I even have my daughter, who just recently came home from being abroad for five months. And what I saw in her, that growth—I knew she had it, but my gosh! The growth of being away from even her university, from home, traveling to different countries. Did I worry at times that she's traveling to Morocco or Amsterdam, and all these places? Yep, I did, but I zipped it because I knew she had it under control. Dr. Cam (35:06.609): Yeah, it is. My daughter just did her first trip to New York. She's 18, did her first trip to New York City by herself from Virginia. And I, you know, I was like, "I'm watching you. I'm just going to let you know, you're going to be on Life360. I'm going to text you every once in a while, but I just want you to know, this is my fear. I believe you can do it." And she did. She was great. She had a great time. She just had one experience that blossomed her. If I had led into my fear and said, "No, you're not going," or "I'm going to go with you," or any of those, I would have deprived her of this amazing experience. So it's hard. Ali Flynn (35:44.974): Yeah, right. So taking our fears aside as moms and our worries, to let them grow. They need that growth. And if we don't allow that and sort of let them go and experience, it's a disservice to them. We are holding them back. And that was sort of a vow I made to myself as a mom early on: I'm not going to hold my kids back. Right? Even if it's not something I personally would do, if they want to do that, I'm going to listen to them and I'm going to let go and trust that they know. Dr. Cam (36:23.505): I want to circle back because now I'm thinking people are listening to this and starting to feel guilty if they're not doing this. So, right? So I want to circle back to this. This is not meaning that if you have been afraid or holding back or doing any of these things, or continue to do that, that is a reason to feel guilty. It's a reason to be reflective and just say, is this where I want to continue going? That's it. Ali Flynn (36:51.798): Be reflective and think to yourself, how can I move forward and evolve with my teen in the stage that they are in? And what do I have to do to allow that to happen? Dr. Cam (37:04.817): That's big. It does, which takes some time, which is great because that takes away time from us worrying about our kid. Ali Flynn (37:06.414): Use that time to reflect, maybe when you're doing some deep breathing or you're taking that walk, because you can't have this reflective time as you're rushing to get dinner on the table or you're driving carpool to and from places. Right? You just need a little quiet time and you will figure it out. And if you talk with other moms and you gain some advice as to how to do that, then more beautiful of a situation, right? You've been transparent, you've been honest, you're probably meeting up with another mom who's struggling with it too, and you can move forward together and support each other. Dr. Cam (37:54.225): I love that. All right, Allie, what is one big thing you want parents to step away with from this interview? Ali Flynn (38:02.926): I really want moms to just know they are not alone. Right? When you are in sort of the trenches of motherhood, and especially those teen years, which can be really ugly at times and brutal, you are not alone. Everybody else is going through it as well, even if they are not showing it or saying it. Dr. Cam (38:24.657): 100%. And Ali, how can people find you? Ali Flynn (38:28.334): You can find me on my website, Hang in There Mama, Instagram, Facebook, lots of places. Dr. Cam (38:35.141): All the places, and we will put those links in the show notes for sure. Ali, thank you so much for joining us and giving us so much encouragement. I appreciate it. Ali Flynn (38:44.43): Thank you for having me. It's such an honor. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #parentingteens #selfcareforparents #drcamcaswell #theteentranslator

Jun 4, 2024

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , we’re diving into the exciting world of the all-new Digital SAT and how it’s changing the college admissions process. Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert and a Shark Tank success story, joins us to break down everything parents need to know about the new SAT, scholarships, and how standardized tests can still be an advantage—even at test-optional colleges. With over 20 years of experience in SAT prep and helping over 100,000 students succeed, Dr. Patel offers priceless insights to empower both teens and parents on the road to college success. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why the Digital SAT is a game-changer and how to prepare for it The importance of standardized tests in 2024 college admissions and scholarships How taking the SAT or ACT boosts college acceptance rates and scholarship opportunities Why motivation is key in test preparation and how to keep your teen on track How to widen your teen’s college options and increase their chances of merit-based financial aid 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS The new Digital SAT offers significant changes that students need to understand in order to succeed. Test scores matter—taking the SAT or ACT can increase your teen’s chances of receiving merit-based scholarships and getting into top colleges. Over $7 billion in merit scholarships are available annually, and many require standardized test scores for consideration. The growing importance of SAT and ACT scores at top universities highlights the need for careful test prep. Helping your teen identify their motivation is essential for boosting their test prep success and keeping them focused on their goals. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Download the Prep Expert Digital SAT "Mini" Playbook EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction to the New Digital SAT and Dr. Shaan Patel 03:38 The Importance of Taking the SAT or ACT 06:12 The Resurgence of Standardized Testing Requirements 09:17 Preparing for the Digital SAT: Tips and Strategies 14:08 Understanding the Adaptive Nature of the Digital SAT 23:02 The Importance of the PSAT and National Merit Scholarships 25:17 The Role of Test-Taking Strategies in SAT and ACT Success 29:00 Motivating Students to Study for Standardized Tests 32:20 Broadening College Applications for Merit-Based Financial Aid CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Shaan Patel Website: www.prepexpert.com Facebook: @PrepExpert Instagram: @prep_expert LinkedIn: Prep Expert Twitter: @Prep_Expert YouTube: @PrepExpert CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.732) Is the new digital SAT stressing you out more than your teen? Feeling lost in the college admissions scramble? Forget the worry and listen up. In this episode, we're going to crack the code on the all-new digital SAT. We're joined by the amazing Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert, the company that's helped over 100,000 students conquer standardized tests and land in top colleges. Dr. Patel is also a Shark Tank success story with over 20 years of experience cracking the SAT code. Dr. Patel will break down the digital SAT, college admissions in 2024, and your teen's scholarship options. Get ready to take notes. I know I’m going to because I have a teen going into college too. So, Dr. Patel, welcome to the show. Shaan Patel (00:32.614) Hi, Dr. Cam. Thanks for having me. Happy to be here. Dr. Cam (00:50.244) Absolutely. So, there are so many questions I have, including Shark Tank, which I love, but let’s just start with your backstory. How did you get into college admissions and testing? Shaan Patel (01:00.806) Yeah, great question. So, I never thought I’d be the owner of a test prep and college admissions company. That was not in the game plan. What happened is I kind of stumbled into it through my own experience. I was a good student in high school but not a great standardized test taker. I had a lot of test anxiety, didn’t know anything about test preparation, college admissions, or scholarships. In the first SAT I ever took, I barely got above average. I spent hundreds of hours studying in the library and raised my score from average to perfect. My score increased by 640 points, which opened up a ton of opportunities for me. I got into some of the nation's best universities, received half a million dollars in scholarships, and won some great awards. When I got to college, I wanted to help other students improve their test scores the way I had. I had unique strategies and methods to share. So, I put together a book proposal for the first SAT prep book by a perfect score student. Unfortunately, I got 100 rejections. If anyone knows the publishing world, it’s tough. So, I took all that material and started Prep Expert. In the first six-week SAT course I ever taught, my students had an average score improvement of 376 points, which is the equivalent of moving from the 50th percentile to the 90th percentile. That led to more demand for courses, and I began training other instructors. Over the past 13 years, we've helped over 100,000 students improve their SAT and ACT scores and secure over $100 million in scholarships. Dr. Cam (03:38.372) You’ve piqued my interest as a mom of a junior looking into expensive colleges and who also struggles with standardized testing. So, let me ask you, first of all, how important is it that kids take these tests? Because not all schools require them now. Shaan Patel (03:39.942) Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion over the past few years about whether students should take the SAT or ACT due to test-optional college admissions policies. There are three major reasons your student should still take the SAT or ACT. Higher Acceptance Rates Even at test-optional colleges, many studies show that students who submit test scores are often accepted at higher rates. This shouldn't be the case, but the data shows that acceptance rates are often two to three times higher for students with test scores. This is because, with grade inflation, it’s hard to differentiate students based on GPAs alone. Scholarships Over $7 billion in merit-based scholarships are awarded annually, and many of these scholarships consider test scores in the selection process. This includes full and half-tuition scholarships from universities and private companies like Coca-Cola, Toyota, McDonald's, and more. Universities Requiring Scores Many top universities have reinstated SAT and ACT score requirements. Schools like Harvard, Yale, MIT, Dartmouth, Brown, Caltech, University of Texas at Austin, Georgetown, all Georgia public universities, and many universities in Florida now require SAT or ACT scores. You don’t want to be caught in your senior year scrambling because your dream university suddenly requires the test. Dr. Cam (06:12.388) Why is there a resurgence? Why is it coming back? Shaan Patel (06:16.07) One of the main reasons is grade inflation. Universities are bombarded with applications, and when a school like University of Texas or Harvard gets 50,000 or even 100,000 applications, it’s hard to differentiate students without test scores. Extracurriculars are another factor. As research shows, valuing extracurriculars can disproportionately favor wealthier students who can afford to participate in elite activities like starting nonprofit organizations or playing expensive sports. Dr. Cam (07:40.388) Right, exactly. And even preparing for it, there’s always an imbalance. I think equity is a big issue, and I like that they’re trying to find more equitable solutions. But it’s still going to be a constant struggle. What are we seeing now? Shaan Patel (08:03.302) Yeah, many listeners may think test prep is unfair due to its cost. That’s a fair point, but there are so many free or low-cost resources available now, such as Khan Academy and College Board’s free practice tests. I even have a book, Prep Expert Digital SAT Playbook , available for $9.99 on Kindle. You can learn elite test prep strategies at a low cost. While one-on-one tutoring may be more expensive, I’m a great example of someone who raised my score with just books from the library. So, I think that’s more equitable than valuing extracurriculars, which often cost far more than any test prep course. Dr. Cam (09:17.572) That’s very true. You’ve said "discipline" a few times, and I think that’s worrying parents. Getting their kids to be disciplined enough to study for this is a real struggle, which is why outside accountability helps. Do you have suggestions for those parents? And then I’d like to get into the digital test, but in terms of encouraging kids to be disciplined? Shaan Patel (09:48.71) Yes, we cover self-control, delayed gratification, and discipline in our courses and books. You’d be surprised that those are actual strategies in a test prep book, but they are crucial. It’s important to turn off distractions—no TikTok, no social media. Focus, study, and practice self-control. Preparing for any exam requires discipline. You have to delay gratification, fail, and improve from it. These are great life skills. What we do in test prep can transition into life prep, helping students develop the habits they need for success in the workplace. Dr. Cam (11:04.132) Those are huge. So, let’s talk a little bit about the digital SAT. What’s changing now, and what do parents need to know? Shaan Patel (11:15.078) There’s a monumental change to the SAT in 2024. For the first time in nearly 100 years, the SAT has gone from a paper-based exam to a digital one. A lot of parents and students may think it's no big deal—just the same test on a computer—but that's not true. There are significant content changes, format changes, and new question types. Students need to familiarize themselves with the new digital SAT. You’ve got to take practice exams and learn new strategies. Unfortunately, materials from 2023 and before aren't as relevant anymore. Parents and students will be pleased to hear that this new digital version of the SAT is the most student-friendly version ever created. The test is now 2 hours and 14 minutes, down from 3.5 hours. Instead of 150-200 questions, it’s now just 98 questions. You can use a digital calculator on all math questions, unlike the previous SAT where there was a no-calculator section. The writing section is now combined with the reading section, meaning fewer sections and less focus on grammar. Plus, the essay is gone, and obscure vocabulary words are no longer included. On top of that, the reading passages are now shorter—just about 100 words on average, instead of the 500-750 words seen previously. It’s already a welcome change for many parents and students. However, I do want to be clear: while the digital SAT is student-friendly, it’s not easier. The biggest change is that the new SAT is now adaptive. This means that the questions will get harder or easier depending on how well your student performs on the first module of math, reading, and writing. The final questions will be much harder to test the upper level of your student’s skills. Dr. Cam (14:01.06) I imagine that goes into the grade then, or the score, because if you're getting more difficult questions rather than easier questions, how does that impact your overall score? Shaan Patel (14:08.422) Yeah, so it's actually a really good thing if you're seeing more difficult questions because the baseline, even if you get many of those wrong, your score is still going to be higher than a student who saw the easier questions. And so it's curved fairly, from what we've seen, at least on the first couple of administrations with our students. But there is a bit of a harsh curve because as I mentioned, there's only 98 questions, so there's less room for error if you're really looking for those top scores or those 99th percentile scores. Dr. Cam (14:43.652) How do you recommend kids prepare for this test? What are some of the key things they need to know? Shaan Patel (14:53.35) The biggest thing is first getting familiar with the new question types, format, and content. So the way you do that is download the Blue Book application. That is the official testing application by the College Board. They have at least six practice tests, at least as of this podcast recording, and they continue to release more. So you'll have a lot of practice material, hundreds of questions just through that. But I always tell parents and students it's not enough just to practice with College Board questions. You also need to learn strategies, techniques, and tips to ace the exam. So for that, I really recommend my company, PrepExpert. We offer SAT courses and books where your student can learn hundreds of strategies that I used myself as a perfect score student, and that we have 99th percentile instructors who teach your students these ways to crack the test—how to read passages and answer math questions in ways you wouldn't learn in a typical high school classroom or with Khan Academy. Dr. Cam (16:07.876) Now, I know this is part of your program, but would you be willing to share one or two of those little tips that we wouldn’t know about? Shaan Patel (16:08.71) You know, one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section—this is a really easy one to share—that's why I'm going to say it on a podcast because I think people will remember it. But one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section of the SAT or ACT is the word being —B-E-I-N-G. So if your student sees that word on a grammar question of the SAT or ACT, you should automatically mark it as an incorrect answer. The reason for that is because being actually creates passive voice constructions rather than active voice constructions. I'm not going to get into the difference between passive voice and active voice right now, but if everyone just wants to remember the word being is always incorrect. So that's for the grammar section. Now for the reading section, there's another word that a lot of people probably know, which is always . Always is always incorrect. And the reason for that is because always is a very extreme word. It's very rare that something can always be true, especially when you're trying to defend a passage-based reading question. So look out for always on the reading questions and being on the writing questions. I wish I could share a math strategy, but those are a little bit difficult without a visual. Dr. Cam (17:31.396) More complicated. So I want to ask you, Shaan, if your child—and I’m asking for a friend—if your child is not the strongest student but has great work ethic and definitely struggles with exams, can they improve their SAT or ACT scores by learning these skills, and can that help buffer if their GPA isn’t stellar? Shaan Patel (18:05.958) Yeah, those are probably my favorite students to work with. Absolutely. I mean, that’s what we’ve had with thousands of students over the years. Their GPA is okay, but then we just help them crush the SAT and ACT. Usually, they’re not good standardized test takers, they’re below average usually starting. Dr. Cam (18:10.5) I’m sending my daughter over right now. Shaan Patel (18:33.83) But that also means they have the most room for improvement. So we've had students improve a thousand points, 800 points, literally go from 800 to 1500, things like that—really, really amazing score improvements. Now, to your point, it is up to the student to have the work ethic to do the exams, to come to class, to do the homework, etc. But if they put in the work ethic and effort, we typically see—well, I don't want to say typical, but a 700+ point improvement is possible. Typical is about 200 point improvement, but when you start out below average, you do see those larger score improvements. 200 points is more when you're starting in the 1200-1300 range already. Dr. Cam (19:22.212) Right. And then when they're doing this, I think the other thing I see a lot is—even when kids are good at standardized testing—test anxiety is very prevalent from what I’ve seen. How do you address that? Can you give us some tips on how to reduce it? Shaan Patel (19:39.494) Yeah, so one of the biggest ways to reduce test anxiety is just the preparation itself, which is why we have students take a full-length exam every single week in our courses, whether it's a six-week course or eight-week course, on the weekends. They really need to get used to the stamina of taking a two and a half hour exam. They need to get used to what questions they're going to see at what point in the test, how long their breaks are. That reduces a lot of test anxiety just with the preparation. But on test day, a couple things—especially if parents and students are listening and have an upcoming test—one is don't have any caffeine. No coffee, no tea, no Red Bulls in the morning. I made that mistake the first time I took the SAT. That's why I only scored around average. My heart was totally racing. It really messes with your circadian rhythm, especially as a high school teenager. You know, adults are kind of used to it, but as a teenager, I would try to avoid those kinds of stimulants to stay calm. Another big thing that really helps our students, and has helped me when I took the SAT and got a perfect score, is to let go of the outcome of the test. You know, everyone kind of focuses on, "What’s my score going to be? What’s my score going to be? It's going to impact my college admissions or scholarships, etc." But a better way to approach it on test day is: let me focus on one question at a time. I don’t need to worry about what my score is going to be. I’m just going to try to answer this one question that’s in front of me on this screen to the best of my ability. If you approach it that way, what we find is a lot of the stress kind of melts away because it’s no longer this big, scary test tied to your college admissions or scholarships. On top of that, most colleges accept score choice, so they’re probably not going to see your score if it’s not good, because you don’t have to submit it. So that takes a lot of the pressure off too. Dr. Cam (22:00.26) I love that tip for pretty much everything—anything in life. I think this is great for parents too when their kids are stressing out about anything. Take it one step at a time and just focus on that one thing instead of looking at the big task and the overwhelm. Shaan Patel (22:22.118) Yeah, it definitely applies to all of life. Dr. Cam (22:24.516) What else do we need to know as parents about the SAT? And you talk about scholarships too. How can we use this information to help with scholarships? Shaan Patel (22:40.39) Yeah, so a couple of big things. For parents who have younger students who are listening—eighth graders, ninth graders, 10th graders, and rising 11th graders—one of the exams that gets lost in a lot of this is the PSAT, the Preliminary SAT. The reason the PSAT is so important is it’s also known as the NMSQT, which stands for National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test. What this means is that if your student scores well on the PSAT, they will qualify for the National Merit Scholarship. The big deal about National Merit is there are over 100 colleges and universities across the nation that will give you a half tuition or full tuition scholarship worth $100,000 or more if you're a National Merit Scholar. The reason they do that is they’re trying to recruit National Merit students to their university. I know everyone’s going to ask, "How high does my student need to score on the PSAT to qualify for National Merit?" Well, the answer depends on the state in which you live. The National Merit cutoff scores depend on how well students in your state perform on the PSAT that particular year. In more academically competitive states like Massachusetts, you may need to score around 1460 out of 1520. In less academically competitive states like Montana, you may only need a score of 1300 out of 1520 on the PSAT. But the reason I bring this up is because the PSAT can only be taken one time. It’s not like the SAT or ACT that you can retake. The PSAT is only offered in the fall of your junior year, usually in October. So if your student studies for the digital SAT, it will actually help them with the digital PSAT, because these exams are nearly identical in the digital format. The PSAT just has easier question types. I always encourage parents and students to start prepping for the digital SAT earlier, in ninth to 10th grade, so that by October of 11th grade, they’re ready to crush that PSAT. And literally, they could earn $100,000 scholarships with one two-hour and 14-minute exam, which isn’t even the SAT or ACT, it’s the PSAT. Dr. Cam (25:20.164) That’s amazing. It gives them some insight into what their strengths are and what they need to work on for the SAT too. I imagine there’s a lot of unknowns when it comes to that. One of the things too—it sounds like it’s not just about intelligence and academics—but it also sounds like a big piece of it… and I’m not sure if you know this… is knowing how to... Shaan Patel (25:33.222): Yeah, it's a great way to get a baseline. Dr. Cam (25:49.444): How much of the test is about academic knowledge and how much is about preparation—learning to take the test? Shaan Patel (26:04.102): It's probably 80% about how to take the test and 20% about the knowledge. Most students do well in their high school math and English classes—they're A or B students. But when it comes to standardized tests, they usually score around average, just below, or just above it. There are very few naturally good standardized test takers. The way the information is presented, the wording of the math questions, and how the passages are structured are different from what students encounter in their typical high school classrooms. I don't fault math or English teachers for not teaching to the test, but it is the student's responsibility—and the family's responsibility—to understand that this first assessment is significant. If your student plans to go to grad school, they’ll face exams like the MCAT, LSAT, GRE, or GMAT. It's in your best interest to learn how to do well on these exams early so you're prepared for future ones. Dr. Cam (27:28.708): That's great. Now, for parents who are listening and want their child to do this but the teen isn't sold on it—maybe they're burnt out or unsure about their future—do you have advice on how parents can help trigger that motivation? Because we know it has to be intrinsic. We can't just push them, right? Shaan Patel (28:02.502): That’s a great question. I actually have a strategy in our PrepExpert courses and books called Harness Self-Motivation . Your parents are an external motivator, which is helpful, but internal motivation is far more effective. So how do you develop that internal motivation? I tell parents and students to identify their "why." Why do you want a high SAT or ACT score? No one wants a high score just for the sake of having one. You might want to get into a specific college, earn scholarships, or qualify for college athletics. My "why" in high school was to get into competitive medical programs, which required high SAT scores. That gave me the motivation to study hundreds of hours when I didn’t want to. So, I’d encourage parents to help their child identify their own "why"—whether it's a college, a scholarship, or something else. There are a million reasons to work hard on these tests, and the key is helping them find the one that resonates. Dr. Cam (30:10.372): What’s really key here is that it's the teen’s "why," not the parents'. We get caught up in our own motivations because they’re clear to us, but when we try to impose them on our teens, we miss tapping into what motivates them. With my teenager, for example, she found a school she absolutely loves. For a child who loves school but isn't traditionally studious, that became a huge motivator. She envisions herself there and is now asking, "What do I need to get in?" It’s amazing how much that sparked her drive. Shaan Patel (31:18.342): Yes, visualization is important. I actually have students write down not just the SAT or ACT score they want, but also the college they aim to get into and how many scholarships they hope to earn. It helps them feel a sense of accomplishment even before it happens. Often, they achieve those goals. Dr. Cam (31:45.732): That’s incredible. What else should parents know that we haven't covered yet? Shaan Patel (31:51.846): I don’t want parents of 11th and 12th graders—especially those who missed the PSAT—to feel discouraged about scholarships. There are billions of dollars in scholarships still available. One mistake I see high-achieving students and parents make is only applying to Ivy League schools. While those are prestigious, they don’t offer merit-based financial aid. If you don’t qualify for need-based aid, you’ll be expected to pay the full tuition, which now runs $70,000–$80,000 a year. However, if you look just below the Ivy League schools, many top 20 and top 50 universities offer merit-based financial aid, including half and full tuition scholarships. Often, you don’t even have to apply separately. If you have a great student with solid grades, test scores, and extracurriculars, they’ll offer scholarships to encourage you to attend. So, I’d advise parents to broaden their college applications and target schools that are offering significant scholarships. This can make a huge difference in avoiding student debt. Dr. Cam (33:53.028): That’s excellent advice. Student debt is crippling recent graduates, and avoiding that is crucial. Shaan Patel (33:57.638): Yes, student debt is nearing $2 trillion, and the average cost of college is around $200,000. When we help students with their test scores, it's not just about college admissions—it’s about reducing the cost of college. My favorite part is when parents email us saying, "We just got a full tuition scholarship worth $250,000!" or "We received a $100,000 scholarship." That’s why I’m on a $1 billion scholarship mission. Over the last 10 years, PrepExpert students have earned $100 million in scholarships. But over the next decade, I want to help students earn $1 billion, so they don’t have to go into massive debt. I used to think just getting into the best university was the goal, but now I believe it's better to attend a more cost-effective university. College is still valuable, but you don’t want to get buried in debt because of it. Dr. Cam (35:37.38): I love that. That’s really important advice. How can people find you and work with you? Shaan Patel (35:42.47): If you have a child in 8th through 12th grade, you can find our SAT and ACT courses online. They’re available to students across the United States. We also offer one-on-one tutoring and college admissions consulting. You can find all of that at PrepExpert.com (spelled P-R-E-P-E-X-P-E-R-T.com). We have books, courses, consulting services—everything you need. I teach some courses myself, and I’m excited to help many of the families listening today. Hopefully, some of your students will enroll in our digital SAT or ACT courses, and we hope to help you win scholarships! Dr. Cam (36:45.828): I love it. You’ll definitely be hearing from me. Thank you so much for being on the show, Dr. Patel. Shaan Patel (36:53.446): Thanks, Dr. Cam. This was a great conversation. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #SATPrep #TeenMotivation

May 29, 2024

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam , Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a seasoned pediatric psychologist and parent coach specializing in supporting parents of highly sensitive teens. Dr. Lockhart, also a mother of teens herself, brings invaluable insights into the unique challenges faced by sensitive teens—such as emotional regulation, peer relationships, academic pressures, and self-esteem. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to identify and understand your highly sensitive teen’s unique emotional needs The power of co-regulation: lending your calm to help your teen stay grounded Why building a safe space for emotional expression is key to a strong parent-teen connection Practical strategies to handle meltdowns, test anxiety, and emotional overwhelm in sensitive teens 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Highly sensitive teens are deeply in tune with their surroundings, requiring a heightened level of understanding from parents. Co-regulation is crucial—parents must model calm and self-awareness to help their teens cope with emotions. Creating a safe emotional space for teens allows them to express themselves without fear of judgment. Changing your mindset: See your teen’s sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness. Validate and empathize with your teen’s feelings, joining them in their struggles rather than dismissing them. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Dr. Lockhart’s Parenting Your Highly Sensitive Child course – 50% Off Coupon Code: SENSITIVE-CAM (Expires: 6/30/24) EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 - Introduction to Highly Sensitive Teens 06:01 - Understanding Highly Sensitive Teens 09:23 - Co-Regulation: Lending Calm to Highly Sensitive Teens 13:55 - Building Resilience in Highly Sensitive Teens 20:08 - Regulating Emotions and Problem Solving 24:01 - The Role of Parents in Improving the Relationship with Highly Sensitive Teens 29:13 - Understanding the Challenges and Diagnoses of Highly Sensitive Teens CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart Website: www.drannlouiselockhart.com Instagram: @drannlouiselockhart CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #highlysensitive #parentingstrategies

May 28, 2024

Raising teens who can handle setbacks, stay confident, and push through challenges isn’t easy. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Chad Metcalf, former Navy SEAL, entrepreneur, and author, to share powerful, real-world strategies for helping teens develop grit, confidence, and resilience. Chad knows what it takes to stay mentally tough—and he’s here to help parents pass those lessons on to their kids. From handling failure the right way to fostering a strong growth mindset, this episode is packed with practical, no-fluff advice that will empower you to raise a teen who can take on life’s toughest challenges. WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE The #1 mistake parents make when trying to build their teen’s confidence How to help your teen turn failure into fuel for success Why letting kids struggle (the right way) is key to mental toughness How to model resilience—even when you feel like giving up 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Resilience starts with failure. Let your teen struggle, but provide guardrails to help them learn from it. Competence builds confidence. Encourage skill-building activities that help teens discover their strengths. Your reaction to failure matters. Recognize and celebrate effort and persistence, not just results. Model mental toughness. Show your teen how to push through challenges with resilience and determination. Teach smart goal-setting. The urgent-important matrix can help teens manage priorities and stress. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Help other parents by sharing your favorite episode and leaving a rating & review! Your feedback helps us bring more expert-backed strategies to families like yours. Thank you for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE 5x Your Productivity EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction: Building Resilience in Teens 02:55 The Importance of Allowing Kids to Fail and Learn 06:03 Modeling Resilience: The Role of Parents 10:00 Discovering Strengths Through Skill-Based Pursuits 14:24 Supportive Responses to Failure: Building Resilience 23:42 The Failure Hack: Embracing Failure as a Learning Opportunity 28:13 Acton Academy: Encouraging Self-Discovery and Mastery-Based Learning 36:31 The Urgent-Important Matrix: Prioritizing Tasks and Goals CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Chad Metcalf Instagram: @chad__metcalf Facebook: @chadmetcalf251 LinkedIn: @chadmetcalf251 CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.662) Hello, parents. You've likely heard that building resilience in your teen is crucial. It's not just about protecting them from mental health challenges but also setting them up for success and happiness. In this episode, we have a special guest joining us, Chad Metcalf. Chad is not only an entrepreneur and author but also a former Navy SEAL who understands the essence of mental toughness. He's going to give us parents some practical strategies to nurture our teens' resilience, confidence, and other skills essential for navigating life's challenges. Chad, welcome to the show. Before we dive in, can you share your backstory? How did you start focusing on mental toughness and resilience? Chad Metcalf (00:33.757) Thanks for having me. For me, one of the reasons I got out of the Navy was my three young boys. I wanted to be around to see them grow up. I had done 12 and a half years, so I was at that point where I had to decide—do I do another 10 or 15 years, or do I get out and do something else? It was a hard decision. I'd spent my entire adult life in the Navy, and as crazy as it sounds, that felt like the safe thing to do. The thing we know is what feels safe to us. Dr. Cam (01:12.542) Exactly. Chad Metcalf (01:12.947) I wanted to see my kids grow up. I wanted to coach baseball and flag football and do all the dad stuff. I was going to play college golf, but 9/11 happened, and I joined the Navy instead. After getting out, I had this idea that I could make the PGA Tour and somehow convinced my wife it was a good idea. I went for it, but after three years, I realized it wasn’t working out. I was really good in the last six months, but after running out of money for the third time, I knew I had to do something else. During that time, I coached my kids in judo, jiu-jitsu, baseball, and football. I've coached all my kids in at least one sport. Right now, I’m coaching my 10-year-old’s Little League baseball team. I've been around people with extreme resilience, mental toughness, discipline, and focus my entire life. To me, that’s just normal. But I realized that not all kids and parents get it. For example, a 10-year-old kid comes to practice and says, "Coach, I want to pitch." I give him a shot in the game, and he expects to be perfect his first time. But that’s not how it works. He gets nervous, and his parents don’t understand why. I tell them, "He’s nervous because he cares." When I started SEAL training, I was nervous. When I played golf, I was on the first tee, palms sweating, hands shaking. I thought, "This is ridiculous—I’ve been in combat, but I’m nervous at a golf tournament?" Dr. Cam (03:18.906) Right. Hitting that ball is probably harder than some of the things you did as a SEAL—at least when I play. Chad Metcalf (03:29.761) Anytime you step into a new environment, you’ll be nervous. Excitement, anxiety, and fear are all about perception. When a kid is on the mound, I tell him, "Of course, you’re nervous. Everyone is watching you. Why wouldn’t you be?" Then I say, "Just throw one 10 feet over the catcher." He’s surprised, but I tell him, "Who cares? Just throw it as hard as you can and see what happens." Then I ask, "If you walk the batter, what happens to your life tomorrow?" He realizes it’ll be exactly the same. "So just have fun and work on getting better." Parents often try to help their kids too much, especially in sports. A kid steps up to pitch, and their parents start coaching mechanics—release points, positioning—right there in the game. But game day isn’t for fixing things; it’s for doing what you already know. One of my golf coaches told me, "Competence breeds confidence, and confidence sets the stage for performance." You get confident by putting in the work and building your skills. Once you’ve done something a thousand times, you know you can do it. But then, you have to put yourself under pressure and practice with real stakes—whether it’s running a lap, doing push-ups, or some other consequence for failure. That’s how you learn to thrive under pressure. With my book, I teach five steps to build mental toughness. It works for anything. I used it for grad school, launching my book, and even monetizing my YouTube channel—which less than 1% of YouTubers do. But it wasn’t instant success. I made 100 videos in 100 days, and they all sucked. That’s part of the process. You put in the work, fail, assess why you’re failing, and then refine your approach. Dr. Cam (06:49.278) Let’s talk about how parents can do that. Most parents want to build resilience in their kids, but the approach often backfires. Some try to protect their kids from pain and step in too much. Others take the opposite approach and pile on difficulties, thinking it will toughen them up. Neither of those extremes work. Can you explain why? How do we find the middle ground where we build resilience while also supporting our kids? Chad Metcalf (08:07.201) Great question. I was actually talking about this the other day with a friend who runs Acton Academy Dripping Springs, where my youngest goes to school. The magic of that school is that it’s learner-driven. It’s about using systems to help kids find their own intrinsic motivation. I tell people this story: After high school, I tried to join the Navy but was disqualified because of a titanium plate in my arm. I was crushed. I tried college but couldn’t even get up for an 8 AM math class—my best subject! A year later, I made it through SEAL training. People ask, "How does someone who couldn’t wake up for a class become a Navy SEAL?" The answer: I wanted it. You have to struggle a little to figure out who you are and what you want. At a recent Acton Academy parent meeting, they showed a video of a baby learning to crawl. He was struggling to reach a toy, and everyone’s instinct was to help. But if you give the baby the toy, he doesn’t learn to crawl. He has to struggle, and after 45 minutes, he got it. That’s how kids learn. It’s often the kids who fail early and fast that go the furthest—if they learn from it. Kids who are naturally gifted but never struggle don’t develop resilience. I saw this in SEAL training. Some Olympic-level athletes quit in the second week. They were physically gifted, but they had never learned to fail and keep going. I don’t think we have to add negativity. I try not to. I have three kids—18, 15, and 10—and I’m a different parent now than I was with my oldest. You learn. You adjust. We try to give them freedom within guardrails—enough to let them fail in a way that’s safe but still teaches them valuable lessons. For example, one of my teenagers recently fell for a scam—someone promised him $200 to deposit a check. I had talked to him about this before, but he still did it. Now, he’s mowing yards to cover the loss. It’s not the end of the world, but if he learns the lesson, it’s worth it. That’s why I read, seek advice, and learn from others. I got tired of learning the hard way. As parents, we have to let our kids struggle enough to grow, but not so much that it destroys them. Dr. Cam (13:27.326) I think the big difference too is when that happens. First of all, we're so scared of having them. I think I use the term "guardrails" too, so I love that you use that. I think we set those so narrow because we're so worried and have this fear that the bumps and bruises are going to have a much bigger impact than they actually do. The narrow guardrails are actually what cause them to not be resilient because they don't trust themselves or believe we trust them. I think the other thing is when we give them that breadth to make a mistake, and they do make a mistake, a big piece of this is how we respond to that mistake and failure. Do we say, "I told you so. You should have worn your shoes. Look at that." Or how do we respond to those failures so that kids don't develop a sense of shame and fear of failure, but instead learn to embrace failure and grow from it? Chad Metcalf (14:29.313) Yeah, I'd say it depends on the circumstance, right? I try not to do the "I told you so," although sometimes I do, and then my wife's like, "Stop doing that." But if it's something like, "Hey, I told you to put on your shoes, and now you're complaining to me that your foot is scraped up," I'm like, "Dude, I literally told you that." So that's more of a decision, like I gave you the solution. Dr. Cam (14:38.846) It's very tempting. It's so tempting. Chad Metcalf (14:56.577) You didn't listen, and now you're suffering the consequences, right? I think that's a life lesson. But when they're going after something—whether it's learning an instrument, a sport, coding, or any skill-based pursuit—that's where I'm encouraging failure. Go push yourself and figure it out. That's where you learn and start figuring out your strengths. I firmly believe we can't just be whatever we want to be—we can be a lot more of who we are. The sooner we figure out who we are and what our strengths are, and we go and build those strengths, the better we’ll be able to attack life. And the more fulfillment we'll have. I figured that out at 35, and I was like, "That makes a lot of sense." In business, for example, there are certain things that aren't my thing. But my wife is really good at those parts. So when kids explore, they start figuring out what they're good at, which is what’s really missing in traditional education. In school, it's, "Sit there, listen, and regurgitate what you're told." Then people say, "Well, they told me I wasn't a good writer, so that must not be my thing." But were you interested in it at that time? That makes a big impact. So, figure out what your kid is interested in and let them go do it, fail, and grow. Another misconception I hear is, "We’re going to try this out and see if they're good at it." Well, you're not going to be good at anything when you start. You have to put in the work and develop competency before you can figure out if it's your thing. People talk about hitting flow. "How do I hit flow? I'll do breathing exercises." That can help if you're already good at something. But if you're starting out, that's not going to help. You hit flow when you have a high skill level and the challenge level is high. If you're hitting anxiety, it means the challenge level is higher than your skill level, so you need to build your skills. As parents, if we understand this, we can give our kids actionable steps. But first, we need to let them get out there and fail so they’re actually ready to listen to a coach and be coachable. Dr. Cam (18:06.206) I agree completely. Sometimes having somebody else… And I'm thinking here, Chad, about that step where we get to anxiety mode. We're not comfortable with being uncomfortable. How do we as parents help our kids through that stage where they’re so terrified of failure that they don’t even get close to that point? How do we help them push through without making it about us and while fostering intrinsic motivation? Because us pushing isn’t intrinsic—it’s external. Chad Metcalf (18:47.841) Yeah, I think it all comes back to that old saying, "Do as I say, not as I do." When our kids are little, we're in the protect phase—"Don't run in the street. Don't do these things." But slowly, we have to move from that to modeling behavior. If we're not pushing out of our comfort zones, taking risks, and overcoming failure, then how do we expect them to? I tell my kids, "I'm terrified of heights, but I didn't let that stop me from jumping out of airplanes." Every time I did it, I hated it. But I didn’t hesitate—I just jumped. My first thought was, "Parachute, don't die, don't die… Okay, parachute, please open… Alright, it's open… Now don’t break your legs… Okay, I'm on the ground. I survived another one." Dr. Cam (19:45.118) Right. Survived another one. Yay. Chad Metcalf (19:54.273) The fear never really goes away. The more you face it, the better you get at handling it. People think fear disappears—it doesn't. You just get better at facing it. At Acton Academy, everyone is on their own hero's journey. If you're a parent, instead of telling your kid, "Where are you on your journey? Are you building your core skills?" it's more powerful to say, "What are you working on in core skills today?" Dr. Cam (20:46.622) I think that's so important—being transparent about when we fail or make mistakes, and even sharing that feeling of embarrassment or nervousness. As parents, we sometimes want to appear like we have it all figured out, but that’s a disservice to our kids. They need to see that every day we’re pushing through, and that’s the expectation. Recognizing when our kids push through—whether they succeed or not—is what really matters. It's the pushing through that should be celebrated. Like, "You did it anyway. Wow." Right? Do you agree? Chad Metcalf (21:32.097) Yeah, for sure. That’s what I tell the kids when I coach. If you make a mistake in a game or practice, I’m not going to be mad or yell at you. I don’t yell at kids at all. It’s rec baseball—my goal is for everyone to want to play baseball again. That’s the goal. In my book, Young Athletes' Ultimate Guide to Mental Toughness , I wrote it in a way that kids I coach could understand. But a buddy of mine read it and said, "Dude, I'm using this with my entire sales team at work." And I was like, "I know, because sports are a metaphor for life." Most of our kids won’t be college or professional athletes. No one’s going to remember who won 10U Little League. But they’ll remember the life lessons. They’ll remember how their coaches treated them. Dr. Cam (22:15.614) It's amazing. Chad Metcalf (22:34.657) I remember coaches who made an impact on my life. I learned about work ethic, putting in effort, and failing—but learning from it. It’s fine to fail, but let’s learn why and try not to fail the same way twice. If you keep making the same mistake over and over again, that’s the definition of insanity—expecting a different outcome. Dr. Cam (22:58.494) Expecting a different outcome, right? Yeah. Chad Metcalf (23:03.841) If you're not trying, I’ll call that out. "Hey, you're not putting forth your effort. You're not paying attention. Let's focus." But if they’re showing up, putting in the work, and improving—that’s all you can really ask for. Dr. Cam (23:19.582): That takes time. If our kids are resistant to that, we can't just tell them to do it. We’ve got to keep building them up because I think if we just keep telling our kids to be more resilient, just push through without helping them learn how to do that, I think that's the tricky part. How do we learn? I wanted to hear a little bit more about what you mean by the fail hack. Chad Metcalf (23:42.721): So, the failure hack, and I think it’s like a quote in business school, right? It’s like, as an entrepreneur, you want to fail as fast and cheaply as possible. One of the things they made us do a couple of times was go out and sell stuff door-to-door. It was terrible. I don’t like doing it. The first thing they did was give us this cold brew coffee machine and no sales training. They said, “Alright, y’all go out and try to sell it.” So, of course, I show up, and I’m like, “Okay, I’ve got this cold brew,” but you can’t say, “It’s for business school,” blah, blah. You have to pretend this is your job, right? No cheating. I go out there and I research this coffee maker. I’m like, okay, it does cold brew, and you know, you put it in there overnight and now you have cold brew coffee, and it’s BPA-free, blah, blah, blah, right? Features and benefits. I get up, open the door, and I say, “Hi, sir, ma’am. I’ve got this cold brew coffee maker. It’s BPA-free,” and blah, blah, blah. And they’re like, “No thanks.” 200 doors slammed in my face, right? I’m like, wow, that was awful. So, like, two weeks before we graduate, they say, “Hey, we’re doing another sales challenge. You’re selling children’s dictionaries for $50. By the way, you can buy it on Amazon used for $6. You can’t say it’s for business school, and you have to sell at least one or you’re kicked out of school.” Dr. Cam (25:10.11): Dang. Chad Metcalf (25:10.945): But they said, “We’re going to give you sales training.” I was like, okay. So, the first thing they told us was, “A quick no is as good as a quick yes. You want a fast answer. You don’t want to sit there for 20 minutes and then hear, ‘I’m not interested.’” So, first, you need a pattern interrupt, right? What’s going to get them so you can have your setup to figure out if they’re even a potential customer? I thought about this, but because I’d failed so many times, I already knew what they were going to say. “It’s not a good time. I’m busy. I’m not interested.” I thought, well, that’s what they all say. So, I knocked on the door and said, “Hi, sir, ma’am. I know it’s probably not a good time. You’re busy, but if you give me 30 seconds and you’re not interested, I’ll just go away.” No one slammed the door in my face. Anyway, I sold it on the 11th door. I found their pain point. They had kids. I got the book in the kid’s hand, and they loved the book. It’s more about connection. But if I hadn’t failed those 200 times, I wouldn’t have been able to see what needed to be done. So, whatever it is, whenever you go out and fail, you become ready to learn the lessons. There’s this triangle of knowledge. There are things we know we know, things we know we don’t know, and things we don’t know we don’t know. We have to fail and get feedback from others to actually get those things. Now, we have new information, and we go start training that. Then guess what? We fail again. You restart the system again. Why did I do that? Is there something obvious to me? To a friend? A mentor? Can I read about it? Get this knowledge online? Then with the new information, we go back and deliberately practice it again. Whatever the skill is—I literally use this to pass the swims in BUD/S, finish top of my class in business school, launch an Amazon bestseller, crack YouTube, teach golf, and teach kids in sports. It works for anything. But you have to have a clear goal for it to work. Dr. Cam (27:28.51): The other thing that kind of stuck out about what you just said too is most teens don’t know what they don’t know. I think that’s why they always think they know everything. It’s not because they really think they know everything. They just don’t know what they don’t know yet. And they’re not going to learn if we just keep telling them what they don’t know. They’ll just shut that out. But what you said is, when they learn on their own what they don’t know, they’ll be open to learning how to fill that void, right? How to learn that. And I think that might be a big, aha moment for me right now. When we get kids to have that opportunity to figure out for themselves what they don’t know, then they’re going to be open to learning it. Chad Metcalf (28:13.089): Yeah. That’s kind of the act in the Academy model. There are no teachers, only guides, and the guides are forbidden from making declarative statements. They can only answer questions with more questions. The kids have to figure it out themselves, and there are no grades. It’s mastery-based—so you move on to the next level of math when you reach 100% mastery of that subject, not when you get 70% and pass. Once you master the subject, you move on. They can ask a friend, use a resource, or first use their brain. After that, they can ask a guide, who will ask a Socratic question to guide them in the right direction. They're forced to struggle to figure things out. It’s in that struggle that we really start learning. Some of the kids coming out of this after 20 years are incredible. These kids are not just two to three times more effective than kids from traditional education—they’re 100 times more effective. These kids are coming out at 16 years old, after going through this program, more capable than I was after business school. Dr. Cam (29:48.926): Because you didn’t know what you didn’t know, right? You thought you knew everything, but when you hit 30, you realized how much you didn’t know. Chad Metcalf (29:58.529): Exactly. Dr. Cam (30:31.777): The cool thing is we can create that environment at home. The school model is amazing, but not everyone can do that. As parents, we’re around our kids for years. We can create the same environment where we let them learn by doing and guide them with questions, not by stepping in and doing it for them. That helps them build self-belief because they feel that we believe in their ability to figure things out. Chad Metcalf (30:48.001): Yeah. It all comes down to asking good questions. If you ask your kid, “How was school today?” and they say, “Fine,” you ask, “What did you do?” and they say, “Nothing,” that’s not a good question. But if you ask, “What was the weirdest thing that happened today?” or “Who annoyed you the most and why?” you start digging deeper. Also, with hobbies, like when I talked to my youngest about YouTube. I asked, “How many hours a day do you spend on YouTube?” He said, “I don’t know.” I kept asking, “More or less than one? More or less than two?” Finally, he said, “Two and a half hours.” Then I asked, “What skills do you want to have by 15 that you don’t have now?” He said, “I want to be able to do this and that.” I asked, “If you spent that time on those skills, where would you be?” It became his idea. Dr. Cam (31:44.158): Exactly. That’s so much more impactful than just saying, “Don’t waste your time on the computer, do something productive.” Now, they understand it’s about their goals and it’s their idea. Chad Metcalf (32:02.529): Yeah, it’s like video games, right? I have a love-hate relationship with them. They can be a giant waste of time, but kids are actually learning how to learn by playing Fortnite. If you’ve never played, you’re going to be terrible at first, just like anything else. So, they practice with friends, watch YouTube videos, and keep repeating to get better. I was coaching a football team and asked, “How many of you play Fortnite?” Everyone said yes. I asked, “How many of you watch videos to get better?” They all said yes. I asked, “How many of you practice with your friends in private mode?” They said yes. Then I asked, “Have you thought about doing the same thing with football?” They said, “Okay.” After that, we won every game. Dr. Cam (33:22.11): That’s powerful. When we embrace what they’re already doing and enjoying, like Fortnite, and use that as a model, instead of saying, “Stop playing Fortnite, do something else,” we’re showing them they already know how to learn and improve. They just need to apply it to other areas. They’ll think, “You get me.” Chad Metcalf (34:16.769): Exactly. And that’s what we need to model for our kids—change our perspective on failure. I sent over a resource for parents and teens to use. Parents should try it first, and their kids will be curious about it instead of feeling forced. Dr. Cam (34:45.566): Yeah, it doesn’t work well when we force things. It usually pushes them away. Chad Metcalf (34:48.001): Right. The resource is the Urgent-Important Matrix, developed by Dwight D. Eisenhower. He had limited time and a lot to get done, so he created a system to prioritize. It has four quadrants: urgent and important, not urgent but important, urgent but not important, and not urgent and not important. For a teenager, going to a football game may feel urgent but isn’t necessarily important. But if you’re on the football team, it’s both urgent and important. This matrix helps you evaluate how you're spending your week. Are your actions moving you toward your goals? If you're spending too much time on things that are urgent but not important, or not urgent and not important, it’s time to re-evaluate. If you spend five minutes on this each week, it can change your entire year. Dr. Cam (36:31.166): I love that. And I think it can help parents understand why things that feel unimportant to them may be urgent and important to their kids. It’s not about agreeing on everything, but understanding their perspective. Chad Metcalf (36:58.625): I’ve done this with my 18-year-old. I asked him to show me his urgent-important matrix. He realized he spent all his time on things that were urgent but not important or not urgent and not important. No surprise that he wasn’t moving toward his goals. Dr. Cam (37:36.318): There’s a balance, right? Some things in the “urgent but not important” quadrant, like chilling, are good too, but we want to make sure we focus on the urgent and important things. This tool really helps bring clarity to how we spend our time. Chad Metcalf (38:03.681): If you grab the Urgent-Important Matrix, you’ll get on my newsletter. I’ll share my story—from being broke and depressed to going to business school and turning my life around. I’ll show you how to use the matrix and also talk about the three monsters that will get in your way: distraction, resistance, and victimhood. There’s a mini-course on that, which is part of a larger course called “The Next Great Adventure.” I’ve had teens and even Google and YouTube executives go through it. The first quest is “Who am I?”—and they’re fired up after that. You can find out more by visiting my site and signing up. I try to respond to emails, but it’s getting harder as I get more, so we’re building a community to help people find their calling and change the world—because it’s not just kids who need that, we all do. Dr. Cam (39:31.742): Absolutely. Chad, thank you so much for being here today. Chad Metcalf (39:36.865): Thanks for having me. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for tackling the real-life struggles of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical strategies, expert insights, and real-world advice to help you strengthen your relationship with your teen and support their emotional well-being. If you're navigating teen attitudes, anxiety, or confidence struggles, this show gives you the tools to parent with more ease and impact. #ParentingTeens #RaisingResilientKids

May 23, 2024

Are you feeling helpless as your teen struggles with anxiety, mood swings, and impulsivity? If you’re looking for solutions but don’t know where to start, this episode is for you. Today, we’re joined by Dianne Kosto, founder of SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training and author of From Trauma to Triumph: One Mom’s Mission with Neurofeedback. Dianne will unpack how brain-based strategies like neurofeedback can help teens tackle mental health challenges linked to nervous system dysregulation, including anxiety and impulsivity. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Neurofeedback as a tool for managing anxiety and impulsivity: Learn how neurofeedback helps teach the brain to produce healthier patterns. The impact of brainwave dysregulation on teen behavior: Understand how imbalances in brainwave activity lead to mood swings, anxiety, and impulsivity. Neurofeedback as a non-invasive and accessible solution: Discover how teens can benefit from this technique, even remotely. Brain-based strategies for holistic mental wellness: Understand the power of holistic methods like neurofeedback to promote long-term mental health. How to foster self-regulation and resilience in your teen: Learn how you can support your teen’s growth and confidence through neurofeedback. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE 10% discount on neurofeedback services when you mention Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 – Intro and Overview 03:15 – Dianne’s Story and the Origins of SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training 10:45 – The Science of Neurofeedback for Anxiety and Impulsivity 18:30 – How Neurofeedback Can Be Done Remotely 24:00 – The Future of Neurofeedback and Mental Health 32:00 – Final Thoughts and Resources CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dianne Kosto Website: SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training Instagram: @symmetry_neuro Facebook: @SYMMETRYNeuroPathwayTraining LinkedIn: Dianne Kosto YouTube: SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training Channel CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #NeurofeedbackForTeens #MentalHealthStrategies

May 13, 2024

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we dive deep into the challenges that working moms face in balancing personal goals with raising teenagers. Dr. Cam is joined by Heidi Schalk, a business strategy coach, author, and speaker who specializes in empowering women to achieve their goals while maintaining family life. Heidi shares her inspiring journey as a single mom, entrepreneur, and podcaster, and she offers powerful insights on creating a team environment within the family, building mutual trust with your teens, and handling the pressures of both parenting and pursuing your dreams. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed by the demands of raising teens while juggling your own aspirations, you're not alone. With 60% of working moms feeling guilty about time spent with their children, this episode is packed with practical strategies to help you build stronger connections with your teen while also honoring your personal goals. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to create family goals and foster a team mentality within your household Simple and fun ways to support your teen's mindset and development The key to building communication and trust with your teen How to balance being a present parent while pursuing your personal dreams 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Creating family goals helps develop a team atmosphere, making everyone in the household feel involved and valued. Supporting your teen’s mindset in simple, fun ways can lead to greater emotional growth and connection. Building trust with your teen starts with communication and vulnerability — they need to know they can trust you to open up. Work-life grace, not balance, is the more realistic approach for managing parenting and personal goals. Asking for help and creating a support system is crucial for both personal and family success. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don't keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Podcast: Be She Podcast CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Heidi Schalk Website: https://www.heidischalk.com Instagram: @heidischalk Facebook: @Heidi Schalk LinkedIn: @Heidi Schalk YouTube: Heidi Schalk CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: askdrcam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

May 8, 2024

Parenting is tough enough without the weight of unhealthy generational patterns. In this episode, we're joined by Cari Fund, an expert in breaking the cycle of toxic parenting. Cari shares powerful insights on how harmful parenting habits can be passed down, often unknowingly, and how to take the steps needed to break free. If you’ve ever felt trapped in negative patterns that affect your relationship with your teen, this episode is for you. Cari’s approach is not just about improving the parent-child relationship—it’s also about personal transformation. Tune in to learn how to create a healthier, happier family dynamic. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to identify toxic parenting patterns passed down through generations Key strategies for breaking the cycle of toxic parenting The importance of self-awareness and healing in parenting Why setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care is vital for effective parenting How to communicate with your teen in ways that nurture a healthier relationship 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Toxic parenting patterns can be broken—self-awareness and healing are the first steps. Prioritizing self-care and setting boundaries is essential for preventing burnout and becoming the parent you want to be. Vulnerable, open communication builds stronger connections with your teen. Teach your teen about resilience, self-worth, and the importance of grace. Progress is more important than perfection—embrace the process of healing and growth. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others who might benefit! Leave a rating and review to help more parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical advice for you and your family. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Don't forget to hit Follow so you never miss an episode packed with valuable solutions! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Cari Fund’s FREE Guide on Toxic Parenting Traits - Learn more about toxic parenting and how to begin the journey of healing. CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Cari Fund: Website: Cari.Fund Instagram: @Cari.Fund CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 29, 2024

Are you struggling to connect with your teen? It might feel like your efforts to build trust and communication are falling short. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Kristen Duke, a trusted mentor who specializes in helping parents navigate the challenges of raising teens. Kristen shares valuable insights into common pitfalls parents face in their relationships with teens and provides practical strategies for building trust, fostering open communication, and strengthening the parent-teen bond. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to foster trust with your teen and rebuild a stronger connection Key mistakes to avoid when trying to communicate with your teenager Why focusing on your growth, rather than your teen's behavior, is the key to earning their trust Simple, actionable steps to improve your relationship with your teen today 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Focus on building trust by connecting with your teen on a deeper level. Understand the importance of controlling your reactions to strengthen the parent-teen bond. Recognize your blind spots and how they affect your ability to connect with your teen. Communication strategies that promote openness, vulnerability, and mutual respect. Practical ways to nurture the relationship while still maintaining healthy boundaries. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Subscribe so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE Guide: Connection Playbook with 10 intentional ways to connect with your teen CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kristen Duke Website: KristenDuke.com Instagram: @kristendukechats CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell TRANSCRIPT SUMMARY Dr. Cam introduces Kristen Duke as a trusted mentor specializing in supporting parents through the challenges of raising teenagers. Kristen will discuss common pitfalls in parenting relationships and share strategies to foster trust and strengthen connections with teens. Kristen Duke shares her inspiration for becoming a mentor, noting that she saw a lot of pain in mothers and wanted to address the gap in conversations about raising teenagers. Dr. Cam asks about the biggest struggles parents face with teenagers. Kristen believes it's the conflict between parental expectations and what teenagers actually want to do. Kristen emphasizes the importance of the relationship with the teenager and the goal of helping parents become more trusted. She explains that parents can often feel when they are crossing a line with their teens by observing their reactions, like cold shoulders and eye rolls. While there's an element of typical teenage behavior, parents' reactions can escalate issues. Dr. Cam uses the analogy of "quicksand" to describe how trust can quickly erode with teens. Kristen's mission is to help parents shift their perspective and avoid this. Kristen talks about how parents sometimes assume their teens will trust them based on past relationships, but teenagers' desire for independence changes this dynamic. Dr. Cam and Kristen discuss the concept of a "gentler" or "intentional parenting" approach, clarifying that it is not about being a doormat but rather the opposite of being harsh. Kristen identifies with the idea of being a "trusted" parent, where the ultimate goal is for the teenager to feel safe talking to them and open to their advice. Dr. Cam asks about specific things parents do that unknowingly push their teens away and erode trust. Kristen refers to these as "parenting blind spots." Kristen shares examples of her own "freak-out" moments, like reacting negatively to her son's frustrations with a friend or her daughter's social anxiety, which closed off communication. She realized these moments were breaking trust. Kristen highlights the importance of asking teenagers if they want advice before offering it, as giving unsolicited advice can damage trust. Respecting their "no" is crucial for building trust. Another blind spot Kristen mentions is "shoulding" on teenagers—using the word "should" in directives or suggestions. Kristen emphasizes that "feedback is a gift" and encourages parents to be open to hearing their teens' perspectives. Consistency in changing behavior is key to rebuilding trust. Forcing or trying to convince a teen to trust you is ineffective. Instead, parents should try to understand why their teen doesn't trust them. Apologizing is another important aspect of building trust. Parents don't need to apologize for having rules but can apologize for their own reactions. Kristen stresses the importance of trying to understand the reason behind a teen's behavior rather than just punishing it. Punishing without understanding creates disconnection and frustration. While Kristen focuses on parents of teenagers, she wishes preteen parents would also take notice of these principles, as it can create a smoother transition. It's never too late to build trust, though it might take more effort in challenging situations. Kristen clarifies that while she generally advises against excessive rules and punishments, there are situations—like dangerous behavior—where intervention is necessary. However, even in those cases, the focus should eventually shift towards teaching and understanding. Kristen and Dr. Cam discuss how the "rebellious teenager" stereotype is not the only path through adolescence, and positive relationships are possible. Often, defiance is a reaction to how the teen is being treated. Kristen's goal is to have a relationship with her children where they feel safe and trusted, even if they make choices she doesn't agree with. A trusted relationship allows teens to feel safe even when they mess up. Kristen challenges the parental goal of just wanting their child to be "happy," suggesting it puts a lot of pressure on the child. She also highlights the disconnecting phrase, "I'm just trying to help." Instead, she suggests focusing on wanting them to live a fulfilling or authentic life that normalizes difficulties. Kristen shares her Instagram handle (@KristenDukeChats) and information about her monthly membership, Team Trusted, and her free intentional connection playbook with 10 ways to grow connection, including the "Rosebud and Thorn" family dinner discussion. Kristen emphasizes normalizing challenges and responding to them without "freaking out." She also suggests simple connection activities like watching TV together without pressure to talk. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 23, 2024

In today’s high-pressure world, teens are expected to excel in academics, extracurriculars, and beyond. Parents, driven by love and fear, often take on their children’s stress in an attempt to ensure their success. But what if this well-intentioned involvement is actually doing more harm than good? In this episode, Dr. Cam welcomes bestselling author and renowned speaker Julie Lythcott-Haims to explore the dangers of overparenting and how parents can foster independence and resilience in their teens. Julie, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, shares insights from her acclaimed book, How to Raise an Adult , and her viral TED Talk with over 7 million views. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How overparenting hinders teens' independence and problem-solving skills The key differences between supporting and controlling your child Why failure is an essential part of a teen’s growth (and how to let them experience it) Practical steps to shift from overparenting to empowering your teen 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Overparenting stunts development. When parents do too much, teens miss out on learning essential life skills. Fear and societal pressure drive overparenting. Many parents micromanage out of anxiety about their child’s future rather than their immediate needs. Failure is crucial for growth. Allowing teens to struggle helps them build confidence and resilience. Parents must regulate their own fears. Managing personal insecurities helps create a healthier parenting approach. Balance support with autonomy. Providing guidance while letting teens make their own decisions fosters true independence. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Julie Lythcott-Haims Ted Talk: How to Successful Raise Kids--With Over-Parenting Julie’s Parent Resource Recommendations CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Julie Lythcott-Haims Website: julielythcotthaims.com Instagram: @jlythcotthaims Facebook: @jlythcotthaims Twitter: @jlythcotthaims LinkedIn: Julie Lythcott-Haims CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam: She sparked a national dialogue challenging conventional parenting wisdom in her acclaimed book, How to Raise an Adult , and her TED Talk, How to Raise Successful Kids Without Overparenting , boasting over seven million views, many of which are mine. Welcome, Julie. First, share a bit of your backstory with us. What inspired you to focus on overparenting? Julie Lythcott-Haims (00:53.853): Well, thank you for having me, Dr. Cam, and everyone listening to us. I hope you get something useful out of this. Pay attention to what comes up in your body because that's a clue that maybe there's something that you want to pay attention to. I am the author of How to Raise an Adult , which Dr. Cam mentioned, and I wrote this having been the dean of freshman students at Stanford University for 10 years. As a college administrator in the early 2000s... Dr. Cam (07:35.812): It really is. And then doing that is going to send our kids to therapy too. So keep going. Julie Lythcott-Haims (07:41.113): Well, I would just say, you know, I've been there. I have a 24-year-old and a 22-year-old, and I'm the expert, so to speak. And yet, turns out I was overparenting. My son, who's 24, came home for what I now call bonus years—mental health crisis in college right before the pandemic, left college, things got worse, came home to shelter in place, really depressed, finally got great therapy. We went into family therapy. Julie Lythcott-Haims (21:15.881): I hope you get some downtime. I'm in the other room if you need me. Like, I love you. You know, like the warmth and the juice and then walk away so the kid can be like, okay, right. I am responsible. So the more we hound them and we're on them and we act like, "I have to hound you because you won’t do it unless I make you," the more they're like, "Screw you. You can't make me," right? Or, "Fine, you are making me." In fact, Dr. Cam, I had a call from a mom who Julie Lythcott-Haims (21:45.545): ...point you've been making about the harmful effects of nagging and reminding. She said, "I got two sons. I got a biological son who's 17 and an adopted son who's 15. My bio son has had a lot of struggles. He's in a residential boarding school in a different state. We have family therapy on the phone once a week. And in family therapy this week, he said, 'Mom, every time you ask, Have you done this? When are you going to do this? Why haven’t you done this? Don’t forget to do this. Oh, I think you should do this…'" Julie Lythcott-Haims (22:43.449): My adopted son—I am more loving toward my adopted son because she worked it out. So I tell parents, maybe you don’t have the A/B test of your adopted kid and your biological kid, but think about how you are with your nieces and nephews and best friends’ kids. You are that loving adult who doesn’t judge, who doesn’t act like it’s yours to fix. Like when their kid comes home, when you’re at their house, you know, you’re the aunt or the uncle or the best friend of the family. It’s Friday afternoon, their kid comes home... Dr. Cam (24:55.058): Doing less but still showing how much we care. Julie Lythcott-Haims (25:00.989): Well, part of it is listening to a great podcast like this where we try to say this, right? But I think this is where I said the definition of love has become like, "I do everything for you," instead of creating the conditions under which you can do. And this goes back to our own ego. Like, I feel needed and useful when I’m doing more as opposed to, "I am creating the conditions under which my kid can thrive." So one hack for this is... Dr. Cam (26:43.194): Please do that. Yes, get off that. It's the worst invention. It's terrible. Julie Lythcott-Haims (26:50.833): But it's evidence that you are so wrapped up in this person's existence that you're hitting refresh to calm your own dysregulation, right? Let me give you another story. Can I give you another story? All right. My son—24. I have a great daughter too, 22, but my story is, he's the one that lives with us still, so I got more stories right now. In the pandemic, it was 2021, George Floyd had been murdered nine months earlier, we’re a Black family... Dr. Cam (28:27.153): I'll write you a script. Julie Lythcott-Haims (28:43.985): Yeah, sweetie, that does sound hard. And then I paused, and my little heart is fluttering because I don’t want my kid to feel anything is hard. And then I looked at him and said, "But you know what? You do hard things." And I kind of stayed—I didn’t get all up in his face. I was like, "You do hard things." Smile. Confidence. And his eyes flew open, and he was like, "I do hard things." Dr. Cam (30:05.74): That is a good point. Julie Lythcott-Haims (30:08.781): It’s just a different type of doing, right? Instead of doing the thing, the fixing, the handling, the arranging, it's, "Okay, my job is to work on myself to not need to do the thing so that I don’t deprive my kid." My kid needs the opportunity to do the thing. We need to flip the language—it needs to be like, "Why would I deprive my child of the chance to learn in this moment?" Dr. Cam (30:29.742): The deprivation—I love that, because it does change it to, it’s not that I’m not helping him, it’s that I’m giving him the opportunity. I’m going to let him have this one; I’m not going to take it for myself. And I think that’s a language that might help us. Julie Lythcott-Haims (31:42.141): So let me say this, and this is for your producer to edit out. I am supposed to be on a call three minutes ago, which I didn’t realize. So I do need to wrap. Okay. Dr. Cam (31:49.467): Oh, we can go. Julie Lythcott-Haims (31:49.467): Sure, absolutely. Let’s do this. And I just want to do one golden nugget to give the listeners to walk away with. The golden nugget is your child is actually a separate person from you, and they are a gift from the universe or God or however you believe we all get here. Your job is not to live their life for them, but simply to prepare the conditions under which this precious gift will become themselves. They are a wildflower. You don’t even know what they’re going to look like or be like. You just create the right conditions where this wildflower can become their glorious self. Dr. Cam (32:41.074): I love that. What a great place to close. Thank you, Julie, so much for joining us. Julie Lythcott-Haims (32:45.937): Thank you, Dr. Cam, and to everyone who listened. Hope you got something good and useful out of it. Appreciate you. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 17, 2024

In this crucial episode, Dr. Jessica Rabon, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in pediatric psychology, joins Dr. Cam to discuss an incredibly important topic: spotting teen suicide risk. With suicide being the leading cause of death for youth ages 10-24 in the U.S., this episode will help parents recognize warning signs, have open conversations with their teens, and understand how to provide critical support. If you're a parent worried about your teen's mental health, this episode is a must-listen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to identify warning signs of teen suicide and differentiate them from normal teenage behavior The importance of having a direct and compassionate conversation with your teen about suicide Effective crisis management techniques when your teen is at risk Practical steps to support your suicidal child and where to find the help they need 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Spotting Warning Signs: Learn the behaviors and shifts that signal a potential suicide risk in teens. Understanding Suicidal Ideation: Understand the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts, and when to seek help. How to Talk About Suicide: Discover the best ways to approach your teen and ask about suicide without judgment. Responding to a Plan: Know what to do when your teen has a suicide plan—stay calm, stay with them, and seek immediate support. Building Trust: Learn how to maintain a trusting relationship, so your teen feels safe reaching out when they’re struggling. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Psych Talk Podcast Welcome to Group Therapy Podcast CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jessica Rabon Website: JessicaRabonPhD.com Instagram: @JessicaLeighPhD Facebook: Jessica Leigh PhD YouTube: Jessica Leigh PhD TikTok: @JessicaLeighPhD CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 9, 2024

In today’s episode, we dive deep into Teen OCD with Natasha Daniels, an experienced anxiety and OCD therapist who has been helping families navigate these challenges for over two decades. Natasha is also the creator of AT Parenting Survival and the host of the AT Parenting Survival Podcast. With both her clinical expertise and personal experience raising three kids with OCD, Natasha offers invaluable insights on supporting teens with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If you're a parent wondering how to spot OCD in your teen, what steps to take, or how to avoid common pitfalls, this episode is a must-listen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to Spot OCD in Your Teen – The common signs and how OCD can look different in adolescents. OCD Myths Busted – Natasha tackles common misconceptions about teen OCD and its impact on their lives. The Worst Things Parents Can Do for Their Teen's OCD – Learn about parental responses that can unintentionally strengthen OCD behaviors. Effective Strategies to Support Teens with OCD – What to do instead, including practical advice for early intervention. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Recognizing OCD Symptoms in Teens OCD in teens often shows up in subtle ways, like appearing distracted or engaging in repetitive behaviors such as hand-washing or checking things multiple times. Look for signs of intrusive thoughts or anxiety-driven actions that persist despite logical explanations. When typical curiosity or behavior becomes obsessive or interferes with daily functioning, it might be a sign of OCD. How to Approach OCD Without Shaming or Enabling Parents often unknowingly make mistakes like rationalizing OCD behaviors or giving in to compulsions. Instead, avoid shaming or minimizing their struggles. Acknowledge the OCD without reinforcing the compulsions. Approach your teen with empathy, understanding that their actions are driven by anxiety, not willful behavior. The Power of Psychoeducation for Teens One of the best ways to help your teen manage OCD is by educating them about the disorder. Help them understand that their obsessive thoughts are not a reflection of who they are, but a part of a brain glitch that gets stuck. Normalizing their experiences makes them feel less isolated and better equipped to fight back against the disorder. The Importance of ERP Therapy for Teens with OCD Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold-standard treatment for OCD, and it's essential for teens struggling with this condition. ERP helps your teen confront their fears by gradually exposing them to their anxiety triggers without allowing them to perform their compulsions. Working with an OCD-trained therapist who specializes in ERP is crucial for success. The Role of Parents in Fighting OCD Together As a parent, it's vital to separate your teen from their OCD. Frame it as a battle you're both facing together. Support your teen by creating a plan of action to address OCD behaviors and stick to it, even when it's tough. Show them they are not alone in this struggle and that you’re in it as a team—this can be one of the most powerful tools in overcoming OCD. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free online course for teens on understanding OCD EPISODE CHAPTERS: [00:00] Introduction to Natasha Daniels [05:00] Understanding Teen OCD [10:00] What to Do and What Not to Do as a Parent [20:00] How ERP Therapy Can Help Teens [30:00] Key Takeaways and Closing Thoughts CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Natasha Daniels Website: AT Parenting Survival Instagram: @atparentingsurvival YouTube: @Natasha Daniels OCD Therapist CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 5, 2024

Ever wonder why your once bright and enthusiastic child now seems overwhelmed, stressed, and constantly down on themselves? You're not alone. Research shows that nearly 80% of teens struggle with negative self-talk, and it affects their confidence, academic performance, and overall well-being. In this episode, we chat with school psychologist and teen coach Natalie Borrell, the founder of Life Success for Teens, who shares powerful strategies to help your teen silence their inner critic and thrive with confidence. Tune in to learn how to break the cycle of negativity and cultivate a growth mindset for success. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to identify the signs of a critical inner voice in your teenager Practical tools and techniques for challenging negative thoughts The importance of self-compassion and building lasting confidence Why teens need to hear support from more than just their parents 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Negative self-talk can easily turn into negative beliefs, affecting your teen’s confidence and success. Silencing your teen's inner critic is possible by taking action and addressing the root of the issue. Sometimes, your teen needs to hear encouragement from a new voice—a mentor, coach, or trusted adult. Self-compassion is crucial to breaking the cycle of negativity and building a healthy mindset. Time management and confidence are closely linked; addressing both helps teens thrive. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE • Life Success for Teens - Masterclass: 5 Step Strategy to Transform Your Teen CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Natalie Borrell Website: LifeSuccessForTeens.com Instagram: @LifeSuccessForTeens CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.602) Ever wonder why your once bright and enthusiastic child seems constantly stressed, overwhelmed, and down on themselves? You're not alone. Studies show nearly 80% of teenagers experience negative self-talk, impacting their confidence, academic performance, and overall well-being. In this episode, we dive deep with school psychologist and teen coach Natalie Borrell to explore strategies to help your teens silence their inner critic and cultivate a growth mindset for success. Natalie, welcome to the show. Natalie Borrell (00:40.59) Thank you so much, it's an honor to be here. Dr. Cam (00:41.872) It's great to have you. So tell us a little bit, what's the quick story that inspired you to start working with teenagers and helping them with life success? Natalie Borrell (00:53.614) Well, I have been a school psychologist for 17 years. And while I love that work and I work with amazing people, what I've realized is that when you work in public education, there is a lot of red tape and a lot of hoops that have to be jumped through in order to get a student what it is that they need. So about seven years ago, I started doing a very official Google search on what else I could do with my school psychology degree, because I felt like I wasn't having the type of long-lasting impact that I wanted to have on teenagers. I started the company seven years ago, and it used to be just me, but now there's a team of 15 of us that all have different areas of expertise and backgrounds and work well with different types of teenagers. I get to play matchmaker when I talk to families and connect them with a coach that is really going to meet their student's needs and be a great match as far as personality. So that's the work that I'm doing now, and I just absolutely love it. Dr. Cam (02:17.872) I love it. I'm going to ask you real quick to step a little bit back from the camera because we're not able to see your eyes. Yay. Okay. And just up a little bit. I want to make sure... there we go. I want to make sure we can see your whole face. Cool. So let's talk about a little bit. What do you see that comes into your coaching practice? What are some of the biggest obstacles kids are facing when it comes to feeling successful and being able to succeed? Natalie Borrell (02:23.726) Great question. So the first thing that comes to my mind is that a lot of parents come to me for support with their teenager's time management skills. Balancing all of the things they have to do in school—assignments, upcoming tests and quizzes—knowing what is due when, and kind of managing all of that. But also using their time effectively and efficiently. So time management is probably the most common thing that parents initially reach out to me for. But it's interesting because when I have a conversation with a parent and we start talking about time management, inevitably what also comes up is my teenager needs more confidence. They need more motivation. The time management and study skills—those are all tangible things that we can teach to help them be successful in school. But it's interesting because there's always this underlying question about their confidence, and that's half the battle as well. Dr. Cam (09:21.872) How do I help them change this negative self-talk? What do we need to do? Natalie Borrell (09:29.886) Yeah, I mean, as a parent, you're probably saying all of the right things—the encouraging things, the things that you want to say to boost their self-esteem and help them see all of the amazing things in their teenager. But the problem is, you have to say that because you're their parent, right? Sometimes, it has to come from another voice. Whether that is a teacher, a family mentor, a coach, an accountability partner, another student. It almost doesn't matter who it is. Of course, you want to keep saying those things as a parent, and I think it's great to continue. I would never recommend stopping. But I think it has to come from a different voice in order for your teenager to believe it and internalize it. Dr. Cam (10:15.024) The other thing, I learned a little trick with my daughter. She's 18 now, but I always liked having her overhear me say something positive about her to somebody else, which almost gave me another voice. So it added credibility because she's like, "Yeah, you have to say it to me, but man, if I overhear you saying it to somebody else, then that must be true, and you must really think that." I use that trick a lot. Natalie Borrell (11:16.098) I mean, I think sometimes, to your point, it has to come from... Let me rephrase this. I think that—I'm going to have to pause and think about that for a second. How do I want to answer that question? Can you rephrase the question for me? Thanks. Dr. Cam (11:31.566) Yes, so a lot of times, we are giving, you know, directly to our kids. We're saying, "You're smart, you got this," but a lot of the kids don't believe it. And one of it is because, yes, we're their parent. But also what I hear from teens is, "I don't believe them because they may say it here, but they're saying all these other things over here that say it's something different. So what am I to believe?" So what are some of those things. One example is I'll ask parents, you know, they say grades don't matter, and I say, well, what do you do when they get an A? Well, we celebrate. Well, what do you do when they get a C? Well, we talk about what they can do better next time. And they said, well, that very action is telling them that grades matter. So what are some other things that parents may be doing that we don't realize we're doing that might be undermining our attempts to build up their self-esteem? How do we as parents start addressing that? Natalie Borrell (14:55.742) Yeah, you know, the first thing that I do when I'm talking with teenagers about their inner critic is to recognize that it is absolutely normal. It's an absolutely normal part of being a human to be critical of yourself or to not feel confident in certain areas of your life. So the first thing is to normalize it and to say, "You know, everybody has an inner critic. It's not about not having one because that's not reality." No, oh, absolutely not. No, I mean, it's a repetitive thing. It's like planting a seed. You have to keep planting the seeds. Like a strong oak takes a long time to grow, right? We have to keep planting those seeds even if it feels like they're not listening to you or they're tuning you out or they give you feedback or resistance to it. It doesn't matter. You still have to plant the seed. You still have to model it because now if mom says it and then somebody else around me says it... Dr. Cam (18:14.128) Okay, what do we need to do? Natalie Borrell (18:42.686 Okay, now it must be true, right? But it has to come from several different places in order for that to stick. So parents keep saying it. Hopefully, we can shift that mindset of your teenager, but then when they also hear it from other people—teachers, athletic coaches, mentors—then it starts to click like, "Oh, maybe that is true." Dr. Cam (19:02.736) A lot of times the way we want to approach it is we just say, "Oh, that's not true. Don't think that you're this." And the reason that doesn't work... Tell us why that doesn't work. Natalie Borrell (19:16.318) It doesn't work because you have to say that as their parent. I mean, there's no... You just have to say that. You're their parent. That's your job to build them up. Dr. Cam (19:25.712) Yeah, and it's not changing their belief system either. I think a lot of times what we're doing is just saying, "We're not listening to you. We don't get it. We don't know anything," if we're just brushing over that belief, rather than trying to dig in and understand that belief using the tools that you just gave us. Right? So now we're helping them reframe it, which is exactly the skill they need to do, rather than just telling them to ignore it. Natalie Borrell (19:57.662) You're right. Dr. Cam (20:24.4) It feeds into their negative critic that they're dumb. And I think we need to be very mindful of that. So how do parents address that? Natalie Borrell (20:33.022) The first thing that comes to my mind is storytelling. I think it's really great to tell stories of either your own life, somebody you know, or even a famous person's story who overcame setbacks or had something difficult and overcame that. Storytelling is so helpful in that way because they start to relate to what is happening, and it takes the spotlight off of them. Like it's somebody else's issue that they're learning about, but it relates to them. So I think storytelling in any way, shape, or form—whether it's through movies, whether it's, "Hey, I heard this podcast episode, I thought you might like it, here's the link," whatever it may be—sharing stories, I think, is the first one. But then the other thing is to, if your teenager's willing to have a conversation with you about this, we can talk about two paths. And what I mean by that is you can take a path where we just let it go—like it is what it is, we're not going to, you know, got a bad grade, let's move on—and then talk about what happens on that path, whatever it may be, so you're still getting your words out, but there doesn't have to be that back-and-forth conversation that might not go the way that you hope it goes. Dr. Cam (23:17.904) I like that. And I'm going to throw in, even people might not like this, but even running it through ChatGPT. What I've noticed is if I write something and I'm very emotional, heated, and negative, ChatGPT will immediately take that out of it and make it a lot more kind and productive. And I'm like, "Oh, thank you." So there's always the chance of being able to go, "Okay, how do I say this in a way that's not quite as...?" And I found that helpful. Natalie Borrell (23:46.544) Yes, oh, that's great. Dr. Cam (23:47.728) It helps me do that. So I think now we're having conversations with our kids. And I know it's very difficult. A lot of times kids are very reluctant to open up to their parents. So having a trusted adult, right, as someone else that they can turn to... How do parents help kids find these trusted adults that parents can also trust? Natalie Borrell (23:50.686) Thank you. You know, I think it's using your village. It's using the people around you. As my kids get older, I'm really realizing that old saying of, "It takes a village" is so true. Because you have to look at the people that you already know, like, and trust first, to me. If there's nobody in that circle of love that you feel like could be a mentor or a connection with your teen, look to the school. I would say to really just normalize the fact that the inner critic is real. It is loud, everybody has one, but it's very important to figure out where it happens and what it is saying so that you know how to shift that language because we both know this, and likely everybody listening knows this. The thoughts we have about ourselves become our beliefs. And what we don't want to happen is that those thoughts. Yeah, what's the point? The way that most people find me is honestly on Instagram. My handle on Instagram is @LifeSuccessForTeens, and then my website is also www.lifesuccessforteens.com . So either of those places you can find me and learn more information about what my coaches and I do and how we work with teenagers. Dr. Cam (31:39.824) Love it. It sounds so well-rounded and what people need. So thank you so much for that. And thanks for joining me today. I appreciate it. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Apr 2, 2024

Are you struggling to raise a teen who can cope with life's challenges? In this transformative episode, Dr. Caroline Leaf, a clinical neuroscientist, bestselling author, and expert in mental health and resilience, shares invaluable insights into how to build emotional resilience in teens. Dr. Leaf is the host of the popular podcast Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and the author of 18 books, including Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess. She’s dedicated her career to understanding the mind-body connection and empowering families to nurture emotional wellness. In this conversation, Dr. Leaf introduces a practical, science-based process that helps teens (and their parents) overcome obstacles with strength, clarity, and hope. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How the mind-body connection shapes our resilience and why it’s unlimited. The Neurocycle process Dr. Leaf developed to help build emotional resilience. Why resilience isn’t a limited resource—and how to tap into it effectively. The importance of modeling resilience for your teens instead of "fixing" them. 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Model Resilience for Your Teen Dr. Caroline Leaf emphasizes that teens are more likely to follow your example than your words. Show them how you handle challenges with resilience, so they can learn from your actions. Use the Neurocycle to Reorganize Experiences The Neurocycle method can help your teen process their emotions and experiences. Dr. Leaf shares how parents can guide teens to recognize the "signals" of their experiences, dig into them, and reframe their thoughts. Avoid Pathologizing Your Teen’s Struggles Instead of labeling your teen’s emotional struggles as mental health problems, focus on helping them reframe their experiences as opportunities for growth. This helps them see challenges as normal parts of life, rather than something to be "fixed." Create a Safety Net for Your Teen Dr. Leaf recommends "safety net parenting," where you support your teen through their failures, instead of trying to prevent them from making mistakes. This allows your teen to learn resilience and face adversity without fear of judgment. Embrace the Power of Neuroplasticity Help your teen understand that their brains are capable of change. Dr. Leaf shares how the Neurocycle, used consistently over time, can rewire negative thought patterns, leading to long-term emotional growth and resilience. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Neurocycle App (20% off with code NEUROCYCLE20) Book: Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess Book: How to Help Your Child Clean Up their Mental Mess Book: Think, Learn, Succeed Podcast: Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess EPISODE CHAPTERS: [00:00] – Introduction to Dr. Caroline Leaf’s Approach to Mental Health [03:15] – Resilience: Beyond What You’ve Been Told [06:45] – Why Building Resilience in Teens Requires a New Approach [10:30] – Modeling Resilience as a Parent [14:00] – The Power of Neuroplasticity in Teen Brain Development [18:30] – Overcoming Trauma: A New Way of Thinking [22:00] – How Parents Can Use the NeuroCycle to Build Resilience [26:15] – The Science of Emotional Healing: 3 Steps to Rewire Your Teen’s Brain [30:00] – How Long Does It Take to Build Resilience in Teens? [33:45] – The Importance of Taking Action: Changing the Way You Respond [37:30] – Toxic Positivity vs. Healthy Emotional Support for Teens [41:00] – Do You Want to Change? How to Make Lasting Emotional Change [45:00] – Conclusion: Building Resilience and Navigating Parenting Challenges CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Caroline Leaf Website: DrLeaf.com Instagram: @DrCarolineLeaf YouTube: Dr. Caroline Leaf Facebook: @drleaf CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00): Today we're embarking on a transformative journey with a true expert in the field of mental health and resilience, Dr. Carolyn Leaf. Dr. Leaf is not only a communication pathologist, audiologist, and clinical neuroscientist, but also a pioneer in the study of the mind-brain connection. With her extensive background in psychoneurobiology and metacognitive neuropsychology, Dr. Leaf dedicated her career to understanding how our thoughts and emotions shape our brains. As a host of the podcast Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess , and the author of 18 bestselling books, including Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess , Dr. Leaf is a leading voice in the field of mental wellness. Join us as we learn from Dr. Leaf's wealth of knowledge and experience gaining insights into how we can raise emotionally resilient teens in today's challenging world. Dr. Leaf, welcome to the show. Caroline Leaf (00:08.91): Thank you so much, Dr. Cam. It's lovely to meet you and lovely to be with you today. Dr. Cam (00:29.602): Dr. Leaf is a leading voice in the field of mental wellness. Join us as we learn from Dr. Leaf's wealth of knowledge and experience gaining insights into how we can raise emotionally resilient teens in today's challenging world. Dr. Leaf, welcome to the show. Caroline Leaf (04:12.374): I, as I practice for 25 years and I've been doing research for 38 now, and I don't practice anymore because I decided I'm going to have more impact taking what I'm doing in my research and my clinical practice and putting that into accessible tools. We have a mental health technology platform, web and iOS and Android, which we're constantly developing and growing, where we are trying to empower an individual as well as teams of people. But people, every single human needs to know how to understand. Caroline Leaf (07:06.18): I'm so glad you asked that question because, as you and I both know, that is such a common word used everywhere. It's on book covers, it's in conversations, it comes out all the time. And so it's something that we instinctively know as humans is important for us. And what we've been told in the last 30, 40 years, which has actually been disproved, is that we have limited supplies of resilience, that we run out of resilience. But that's not actually the truth because your brain I was explaining this to someone the other day and it really worked. So let me use it like this. And this is an analogy in a book that I'm actually currently writing at the moment. So you're getting a sneak preview of my next book. Think of a door and a doorway that opens. And that doorway that opens into just infinity. You know, we've seen images of that. We've seen movies with that kind of analogy. You see, you can, you know, just that feeling of this door. Now, that's what resilience is like. It's when you open it, there's unlimited supply of resilience. If you have any kind of trauma or any kind of anything at any stage of your life that disrupts your functioning, that you basically are reducing your resilience. It's getting less and that you're broken forever and that because you're broken forever, you need a label, you need a diagnosis, you potentially need whatever. And this is what our teenagers are growing up with. This is what our alpha are growing up with. This is the messaging. Dr. Cam (17:03.426): I love the whole rewiring and neuroplasticity and how do we as parents use this knowledge? And we've already talked about, we want to build resilience. A lot of what we're doing to build resilience based off what you just said is actually making them less resilient because we're trying to fix them, right, to build them. So what do parents do to help build up our children's resilience or open up that door wide open for them? Caroline Leaf (17:38.468): Three parts to that answer. It's a great question. It's a great question. The first thing is we model it for them because our children and our adolescents will really do what we do. It's easy to say something. It's much more difficult to model it. So that's very, very important. I often get asked this question and they say, what would you do for this current crisis, which has also been mis-explained. Application, we constantly upgrading that all the time. Even have a neuro. Explain something and answer questions. In other words, that's how, because people say, okay, that's great. I need the knowledge as a parent. I need to model, but what do I do? So the second part of the answer is these are, I've got the tools, the Neuropsycho. We can even talk a bit more about what that is. I'm happy to explain it. And then what... Dr. Cam (23:03.298): Right. Worst-case scenario. Caroline Leaf (23:18.596): That if you help a person with a traumatic brain injury, you can actually help them transform their life. So I work with people that were, that were, had shortly come out of comas, that were non-functional, and quite extreme changes happened in sort of, under 12 months, they would go from like a... They would go from, let's say, there was the one case was a 16-year-old who had basically sort of lost all functionality and was like functioning at about a second-grade level. Within 12 months, caught up with a peer group, went on to get degrees. How often, how long, and the bottom line, and we still do research, we've just done another study, I've published papers, we had a paper coming out this month, and for this year, we're doing more studies, but basically it takes around nine weeks to rewire a network. So in the first three weeks of working daily, and I will tell you what the neuro cycle is, but in the first three weeks of working through the neuro cycle daily, you will basically find what those signals, the depression, the anxiety, those things in your body, the perspective. Those are just signals. They're not symptoms of a disease. They're signals of an experience. So in the 21 days, you'll be able to learn to recognize the signals, dig into those signals, find the thought, which is the experience that they're attached to and find the... For that science to all of us. And I've got great images in here to be able to explain, for parents to explain to children. So you basically are healing the roots and so on. And that process takes around three weeks. Then you've got this tiny little newly... As a little tree-like structure and then in your body cells as hedges. So if you recall at the beginning, and I know this is quite a lot to digest, but if you recall at the beginning, we said that memory and experiences are a body-wide thing. The body keeps the score that people hear about. We know that people go to yoga to release the energy. We know that exercise helps depression. Well, I'm talking about that, okay? So I'm talking about the fact that every experience we have, that traumatic experience, it was an experience that was taken in by your mind, processed. Stored in your brain as a tree-like structure in every cell of your body as a hedge-like structure, like a little hedge, tightly packed hedge and in your mind as a little wave pattern. So three places and the wave patterns kind of keeping the whole thing going. So that's what you're doing with the neuropsycho is you are opening those all up, you're finding them and you are reorganizing them. So they never go away, but instead of saying... And you then basically are growing it bigger and making it stronger. So I'll walk you through this in the app, in this book, in the adult book, all of it. So you get the combination, that's a good combination. You don't have to, but people want to know what the resources are. Okay, so in essence, what do you do each day? What is the neuro cycle? It's five steps for the first 21 days, you do it for around 15 minutes a day. First couple of days, you'll take longer as you learn the system. And then the second set of 42 days, totaling 63, which is nine weeks. Going to it now but there's a way of organizing information that really makes us very effective but it's a mind dump it's not journaling then still flying you need to now look at what you've written which is accumulation of the three steps to those three steps taking off flying and now you're going to reconceptualize what does this mean this has happened what do about this and then you end off with step five which is then landing the plane with an active reach which is an action to help you to be able to anchor yourself so it's accumulation of... I can't find out why, why did that person bully me? They're going through stuff. I don't need to know why they bullied me. I just need to know that my behaviors are coming from that. So it's not me, there's a because of. And so I reconceptualize what can I do going forward? Okay, that bullying, I can release, I can whatever. So that's what you're doing. What is happening a lot, Dr. Kamen, I know you know this, I'm telling you, I feel like I'm speaking to the choir here. So forgive me. For those of you that are listening, is that there's a huge movement and there's... Caroline Leaf (36:35.364): That's such a good question. And I know what's happened because you swung from the coddle to the, we've swung from, just pull yourself together to, gosh, you know, let's, so there's two extremes. So you can't wallow and you also can't have toxic positivity. You know, so it's defined and that's what I'm hearing you say, you know, how do we get that balance? And you're absolutely right, there is that tension. Not promoting toxic positivity, but one of the big things is, and I talk about this a lot in my books and I often refer to the two books I'm holding up here. The first one is, in a nutshell, do you want to be well or not? And that's a tough question, but that's the whole question, do you really want to feel better or do you want to stay in a state of victimhood? And that's the question every person and parent has to answer. Do you really want to change the state you're in? Dr. Cam (38:22.234): I love that you said that. Yes. Caroline Leaf (39:14.444): Start, like I say, with those three things: pay attention to the fact that it is not who you are. Recognize the signal, it's not who you are. You can understand the why. And it all comes back to the fact that you’ve got this. ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Mar 25, 2024

Did you know that according to SAMHSA, over 1.7 million adolescents aged 12 to 17 in the US have a substance use disorder? It's a staggering statistic that underscores the critical need for effective interventions and support systems for our teens. As parents, it's essential to equip ourselves with the knowledge and tools to navigate this complex issue. In this episode I’m joined by Dr. Louise, a renowned family systems coach, interventionist, and trailblazer in the field of behavioral health and addiction treatments. Dr. Louise provides us with invaluable insights and actionable steps to effectively intervene and support our teens. Feeling lost in the sea of parenting advice? Wish you had a supportive community to navigate the ups and downs of raising happy, thriving teens? **Introducing Thriving Parent Academy! ** This online community equips YOU with the tools and knowledge to: ⭐ Foster strong parent-teen relationships ⭐Set clear boundaries and expectations ⭐ Navigate attitude and meltdowns with confidence ⭐ Raise kind, responsible humans Join our amazing community of parents and: ⭐ Connect with like-minded individuals who "get it" ⭐ Learn from me through exclusive laser coaching sessions and master classes ⭐ Get personalized support and guidance tailored to your unique needs Stop feeling overwhelmed and start thriving! Limited spots available! Enroll now at thrivingparent.org . P.S. Share with any parent friends who might benefit!

Mar 15, 2024

Have you ever felt at a loss when faced with your teen's rude behavior? Moments where your requests are ignored, or they respond with sarcasm or eye-rolling? If this sounds all too familiar, this episode is for you. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Brooke Romney (@brookeromneywrites), the best-selling author of 52 Modern Manners for Today's Teens Volume 1 and 2. Brooke sheds light on how we can foster mutual respect and maintain authority while still strengthening our connection with our teens. Resources Mentioned in This Episode 52 Modern Manners for Today's Teens FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Feeling lost in the sea of parenting advice? Wish you had a supportive community to navigate the ups and downs of raising happy, thriving teens? **Introducing Thriving Parent Academy! ** This online community equips YOU with the tools and knowledge to: ⭐ Foster strong parent-teen relationships ⭐Set clear boundaries and expectations ⭐ Navigate attitude and meltdowns with confidence ⭐ Raise kind, responsible humans Join our amazing community of parents and: ⭐ Connect with like-minded individuals who "get it" ⭐ Learn from me through exclusive laser coaching sessions and master classes ⭐ Get personalized support and guidance tailored to your unique needs Stop feeling overwhelmed and start thriving! Limited spots available! Enroll now at thrivingparent.org . P.S. Share with any parent friends who might benefit!

Mar 12, 2024

Does your teen display repetitive behaviors like excessive hand washing or hair picking? Are they battling against intrusive thoughts they can't shake off? If so, this episode is for you. These behaviors may signal Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or OCD, a condition impacting around 1 in every 100 children and teens. In this episode, I’m joined by Kimberley Quinlin, a therapist with extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) for OCD and OCD-related disorders. Kimberley is here to help us identify these signs in our teens and provide guidance for supporting them effectively. Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast is your guide to navigating adolescence without the drama. In each episode, your host, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam, is joined by a guest expert to provide invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to support your teenager's mental well-being or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.

Mar 9, 2024

Are you one of the many parents grappling with the challenge of getting your teenager to sleep? You're not alone. Studies show that approximately 70% of teenagers are sleep-deprived. This lack of adequate rest not only impacts their academic performance but also their physical and mental health. To shed light on this issue, Dr. Cam talks with Dr. Angela Holliday-Bell, a Board-Certified Physician and Certified Clinical Sleep Specialist. Dr. Holliday-Bell shares her expertise and top strategies for ensuring our teens get the rest they need for optimal health and well-being. Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast is your guide to navigating adolescence without the drama. In each episode, your host, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam, is joined by a guest expert to provide invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to support your teenager's mental well-being or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.

Mar 7, 2024

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the daunting task of navigating the college application process for your teen? Wondering how to find the perfect fit without breaking the bank? Then this episode is for you. Stay tuned as we dive into expert advice on finding, applying to, and paying for college. Our special guest, Dr. Pamela Ellis, MBA, PhD, aka The Education Doctor®, is here to share her invaluable insights. Dr. Pamela has helped over 1,000 families successfully navigate this journey, with a whopping 95% admission rate to top-choice colleges and an average scholarship of $75,000. Are you ready to discover the secrets to college success?" Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast is your guide to navigating adolescence without the drama. In each episode, your host, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam, is joined by a guest expert to provide invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to support your teenager's mental well-being or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.

Mar 1, 2024

In this episode we tackle a common challenge that many parents face: How to help our teens develop a strong sense of self-worth and confidence in a world that often seems designed to chip away at it? Dr. Cam is joined by Phinnah, a seasoned family coach with over a decade of experience transforming family dynamics by strengthening parent-child relationships. Listen in to hear her expert advice for navigating the delicate balance between supporting your teen's self-esteem and allowing them to face life's challenges independently Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast is your guide to navigating adolescence without the drama. In each episode, your host, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam, is joined by a guest expert to provide invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to support your teenager's mental well-being or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.

Feb 29, 2024

As parents of teens, we’re constantly dealing with a whirlwind of emotions, responsibilities, and expectations that seem to never let up. Whether it's the stress of school, the drama of social life, or just trying to keep their screen time in check, the struggle feels endless. That's why I'm really excited to have Sheryl Gould, the founder of the international organization Moms of Tweens and Teens, joining us today. She's got some fantastic tips and tricks to help us tackle our own overwhelm and support our teens through theirs. Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast is your guide to navigating adolescence without the drama. In each episode, your host, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam, is joined by a guest expert to provide invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to support your teenager's mental well-being or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.

Feb 21, 2024

As parents, we strive to equip our teens with the skills they need to thrive independently. But many of us worry that they won't learn to make wise decisions, regulate their emotions, or reach the necessary maturity needed to survive in the wild on their own. Fortunately, we have Kim Muench, a certified Conscious Parenting Coach and founder of Real Life Parent Guide here to help us. Kim specializes in working with parents of emerging adults (ages 18-25). Kim is the author of Becoming Me While Raising You – a Mother’s Journey to Her Self . She is also a sought after speaker on topics related to conscious parenting. In this episode, Kim shares her wisdom on nurturing independence and resilience in our teens, paving the way for a successful launch into adulthood. Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify .

Feb 19, 2024

As parents, one of our biggest concerns is the impact of social pressures and expectations on our teens' body image. If you’re concerned about your teen’s eating habits, self-care, and self-esteem, you’re in the right place. In this episode we tackle this critical issue with Dr. Francis, a licensed professional Counselor and the founder and owner of Scottsdale Premier Counseling. Dr. Francis is a nationally recognized treatment specialist in body image and eating disorders. She shares her expert strategies for promoting a healthy body image and self-acceptance in our teens. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Feb 12, 2024

Do you have a teenager with ADHD? Are you concerned about their struggles with focus, impulsive actions, managing time, social interactions, and self-esteem? If these challenges sound familiar, you're in the right place. In this episode Dr. Cam talks with Dana Kay, a board-certified holistic health and nutrition practitioner, two-time International best-selling author and the visionary leader of the ADHD Thrive Institute. Dana Kay and Dr. Cam explore effective strategies to alleviate the symptoms of ADHD and help our teens to excel in their personal and academic lives. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Feb 5, 2024

Do you find your teenager's unpredictable mood swings challenging? One minute they're all smiles, and the next, they're storming off over the smallest things. If you're unsure about how to help them navigate these intense feelings and stress, then this episode is just what you need. In this episode I’m joined by master herbalist Sara Chana, who has been guiding teens towards a calmer, more centered state for over 30 years. You might know her from her book 'MOODTOPIA' or her various TV appearances. In this episode, she shares some of her top botanical remedies for tackling stress and anxiety, paving the way for a more peaceful and healthy state of mind. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jan 15, 2024

SPONSORED BY: Pearson’s Connections Academy Did you know that by 2030, 85% of jobs that will exist haven't even been invented yet? How do you prepare your teens for a future filled with unknowns? In this episode, Dr. Lorna Bryant, head of career education at Pearson's Connections Academy, shares insights on preparing teens for success in a future filled with unknowns. The conversation covers various topics, including the pressure to succeed, redefining success, balancing future preparation and present needs, developing skills and seeking opportunities, changing views on careers and work-life, work ethic and priorities of younger generations, defining success and prioritizing well-being, recognizing the value of diverse interests, navigating career changes and quitting, and encouraging exploration and finding passion. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jan 9, 2024

Ever find yourself in a communication standoff with your teenager? They seem to have their minds made up, and nothing you say can change it. Sound familiar? In this episode, bestselling author and change navigation expert Michael McQueen shares insights into understanding and influencing teenagers. He discusses the reasons behind teen stubbornness and the mistakes parents often make when trying to persuade their teens. McQueen emphasizes the importance of empathy, curiosity, and open communication in building trust and grace with teenagers. He suggests strategies for negotiating with teens, setting boundaries, and problem-solving together. McQueen also highlights the significance of vulnerability and honesty in creating authority and respect. The episode concludes with a practical takeaway of engaging in activities side by side with teens to foster connection and understanding. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Mindstuck: Mastering the Art of Changing Minds FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Dec 13, 2023

In today's hyper-connected world, children are more exposed than ever to extremist ideologies that can profoundly influence young minds. There has been an enormous uptick in groups ranging from white supremacists to religious extremists who are aggressively targeting children as young as 11 on platforms popular with teens. For example, a neo-Nazi organization recently ran a social media recruitment campaign using gaming imagery and memes that received 800,000 views from boys aged 12-15. In this episode, Dr. Emily Bashaw, a clinical psychologist and expert on radicalization, discusses the alarming trend of extremist groups targeting teenagers on social media platforms. She explains the concept of addictive ideologies and how vulnerable individuals can be influenced by propaganda and tribal beliefs. Dr. Bashaw emphasizes the importance of building resilience and critical thinking skills in teenagers to protect them from extremist influences. She also highlights the role of parents in fostering open communication and engaging in difficult conversations with their teens. The conversation concludes with a reminder to humanize others and promote acceptance while demanding personal growth. KEY TAKEAWAYS Teenagers are vulnerable to extremist influences on social media platforms, and parents need to be proactive in safeguarding their children. Building resilience and critical thinking skills in teenagers can help protect them from falling prey to extremist ideologies. Engaging in open and non-confrontational conversations with teenagers can help them develop a broader perspective and resist extremist messages. Humanizing others and promoting acceptance are essential in countering extremist beliefs and fostering empathy. Chapters 00:00 Introduction 01:03 Addictive Ideologies and Radicalization 04:07 The Influence of Social Media and Online Behavior 05:24 Impact on Teenagers 09:31 Signs of Targeting and Messages 10:42 Preventing Extremist Influences 13:48 Engaging in Difficult Conversations 15:05 Understanding Extremist Recruitment Tactics 18:36 Promoting Agency and Critical Thinking 20:45 Acceptance and Demanding More 25:49 Humanizing Others and Building Resilience 29:34 Engaging with Teens 31:46 Conclusion Resources Mentioned in This Episode Addictive Ideologies: Finding Meaning in Agency When Politics Fail You . Dr. Bashah’s FREE worksheets for parents . FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Dec 4, 2023

In this episode we tackle a topic that often leaves parents feeling frustrated and helpless: communication with teenagers. Did you know that according to a recent survey, 78% of parents report feeling like they're constantly struggling to communicate effectively with their teenagers? And it's no wonder. Teenagers are going through a period of immense physical and emotional change, and they're trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. This can make it difficult for them to open up to their parents, even about things that are important to them. So, how can we, as parents, encourage open and honest communication with our teenagers? Today, we're joined by Ruth Klien, author of Conscious Connection and founder of the nonprofit Universal Mom, to discuss strategies for overcoming communication breakdowns with our teens. The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast: Your Guide to Navigating Adolescence Without Losing Your Mind. Hosted by Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, an acclaimed adolescent psychologist with over two decades of experience empowering parents and nurturing teen development. In each episode, she partners with a guest expert to deliver invaluable insights and practical advice for raising healthy, resilient teenagers. Whether you're a seasoned parent seeking to enhance your parenting skills or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Nov 16, 2023

Many immigrant parents face the challenge of maintaining the traditions and expectations rooted in their upbringing while simultaneously adapting to the culture their teenagers are learning to navigate. This cultural dissonance frequently results in communication gaps, misunderstandings, and the potential for intergenerational trauma. Recognizing the need to address these challenges, Dr. Cam invited Amy Yip, a Somatic Life Transformation and Mental Fitness coach, to guide us in recognizing and healing from our intergenerational wounds. Amy helps us strike a delicate balance between respecting our heritage while embracing the ever-changing and, at times, overwhelming culture of today in order to create a more harmonious family dynamic. The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast: Your Guide to Navigating Adolescence Without Losing Your Mind. Hosted by Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, an acclaimed adolescent psychologist with over two decades of experience empowering parents and nurturing teen development. In each episode, she partners with a guest expert to deliver invaluable insights and practical advice for raising healthy, resilient teenagers. Whether you're a seasoned parent seeking to enhance your parenting skills or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Setting the Foundations Workbook : Begin Reconnecting with Your Parents. A beginners guide to start engaging with your own parents in deeper, more meaningful conversations FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Nov 14, 2023

If you're concerned that your teen is struggling with addiction, whether it's technology, substances, or behavior, this episode is for you. Dr. Cam is joined by the renowned Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, Dr. Gayani DeSilva. Dr. DeSilva is not only a leading expert in the field, but she's also the author of two highly acclaimed books: "A Psychiatrist's Guide: Helping Parents Reach Their Depressed Tween" and "A Psychiatrist's Guide: Stop Teen Addiction Before It Starts." Together, they navigate the intricate terrain of teen addiction, and most importantly, uncover proactive steps that parents can take to protect their teenagers from this widespread threat. The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast: Your Guide to Navigating Adolescence Without Losing Your Mind. Hosted by Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, an acclaimed adolescent psychologist with over two decades of experience empowering parents and nurturing teen development. In each episode, she partners with a guest expert to deliver invaluable insights and practical advice for raising healthy, resilient teenagers. Whether you're a seasoned parent seeking to enhance your parenting skills or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen. Resources Mentioned in This Episode A Psychiatrist's Guide: Stop Teen Addiction Before It Starts A Psychiatrist's Guide: Helping Parents Reach Their Depressed Tween FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Nov 10, 2023

Ever look at your teen and think, "Why won't you just do as I ask without all the pushback?" Me too! But we're thinking about it wrong. We're thinking our teen is disrespectful and defiant when they argue. What we should be thinking is, our teen's reaction is a sign of healthy development and respect." What?! Listen to this episode and let Dr. Cam explain. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 10, 2023

In this episode, my daughter Alexa has agreed to join me to talk about the school year. She had a week to mourn not being able to go back physically (aka complain and sulk freely) and now we need to address her concerns and come up with a plan. We're going to do it in real-time so you can watch us. Not sure how it'll go, but here it goes... Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 10, 2023

How do you motivate an unmotivated teen? Many parents are struggling with this dilemma now that our kids are all learning from home. We've tried bribing, threatening, nagging, yelling...nothing seems to work. Today I pull some insights from Daniel Pink's book "Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us" and show you how to apply them to our teens. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 10, 2023

As I wait for the results of the presidential election to come in, I realize there are two big lessons we can learn about this experience to help us with parenting teens: The power of the vote and the power of recognition. Both are quite effective ways to build our teen's motivation and self-worth. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 7, 2023

In this episode, we turn the spotlight on a critical issue that demands our attention: Teen suicide. The latest stats are a stark wake-up call, revealing that it's the second leading cause of death among adolescents aged 10 to 24 in the United States. This underscores the urgent need for effective prevention and support. Joining us is Suzie Bartel, the visionary founder of the Ryan Bartel Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to providing proactive programs for teens and parents. Suzie enlightens us about the two vital factors that make a real difference in raising happy and resilient teens. Together, we're on a mission to prevent other families from enduring the pain associated with teen suicide. The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast: Your Guide to Navigating Adolescence Without Losing Your Mind. Hosted by Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, an acclaimed adolescent psychologist with 20+ years of experience in empowering parents and nurturing teen development. In every episode she is joined by a guest expert to help parents overcome the challenges and celebrate the joys of raising teens. Resources Mentioned in This Episode The FORT : A community space where teens Article: Acceptance Is a Gift That Gives Back FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Oct 23, 2023

😤 Struggling to motivate your teenager to focus on what really matters? If so, this episode is a must-listen! 🎙️ Join me as I chat with Jason Cole, a seasoned author and a respected name in the sports world. With eight books under his belt, including the intriguing "Shut up Your Kid Is Not That Great" and firsthand experience raising two teen boys of his own, Jason's here to offer a candid take on how our well-intentioned parenting strategies can inadvertently smother our kids and hinder their essential skill development. 🚀 Don't miss this enlightening discussion! Tune in to discover better ways to support your teens and help them thrive. 🌟 #TeenParenting #MotivationMatters #TheTeenTranslator Resources Mentioned in This Episode Shut up Your Kid Is Not That Great FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Oct 5, 2023

🌟 Got a bright teen struggling in school? You're not alone! Many students have untapped potential, and it's frustrating for us parents to watch. 🚀 That's why we've brought in Sam Young, aka Mr. Sam, founder of Young Scholars Academy (@YSAENRICHMENT). Sam's on a mission to support twice-exceptional, differently-wired, and gifted students to thrive through strength-based education and a nurturing community. 💪 Join us as Sam shares how to help teens discover, nurture, and lead with their unique strengths and talents. #TeenEducation #UnlockingPotential #StrengthsBasedLearning #teentranslator #drcam #ParentingTeens #TeenStrengths #GiftedStudents #TwiceExceptional Resources Mentioned in This Episode Creating A Strength-Based Task Management System Joseph Renzulli - What is Giftedness? Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Sep 19, 2023

In this episode we're unpacking a topic that's not just timely; it's absolutely essential: How to Raise an Antiracist. In an era where issues of race and social justice dominate headlines, it's crucial that we equip our teens with the knowledge and tools to be active participants in the fight against racism. Joining me are the co-authors of the The Antiracist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook. Roxy Manning a clinical psychologist and certified Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) trainer and Sarah Peyton a Certified Trainer of Nonviolent Communication and neuroscience educator. Together they will shed light on how we can guide our teens to become not just non-racist, but antiracist advocates who actively work towards a fair and inclusive world. Resources Mentioned in This Episode How to Have Antiracist Conversations: Embracing Our Full Humanity to Challenge White Supremacy . The Antiracist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook Your Resonant Self book series Fierce Compassion Podcast: Embodying NonViolence in the Classroom with Mike Tinoco. FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Sep 15, 2023

In this episode we're diving into a crucial topic that's impacting teens across America. We're witnessing a concerning rise in anxiety, depression, and tragically, record-high rates of youth suicide. But what's really troubling is the relentless stigma that keeps so many teens from opening up about their struggles and seeking help. Dr. Cam talks with two fantastic guests today: Erin Gallagher, the Executive Director of This Is My Brave (@thisismybrave), and Beth Murphy, the founder of Principle Pictures. These incredible women are part of the team behind the eye-opening documentary, "Our Turn to Talk." (https://www.ourturntotalk.com/) This film follows several brave teens on their journey to shatter the mental health stigma by sharing their own stories – raw and unfiltered. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Watch Our Turn to Talk Documentary on YouTube Our Turn to Talk This is My Brave Teen Mental Health Month info and resource : Jay Walkers for Suicide Prevention Awareness FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe fro

Sep 7, 2023

We talk a lot on this show about how critical it is to maintain a strong relationship with our teenagers to nurture their mental, emotional, and social well-being. It is also a protective factor against anxiety, depression, drug use, and so much more. But knowing it and doing it are very different things. Many parents tell me that they want to connect with their teens, but their teens don’t want anything to do with them. So what do we do? Today I’m joined by Meghan Leahy, a renowned parent coach and parenting columnist at the Washington Post. Meghan specializes in helping caregivers build and strengthen connections with their children, even when it feels incredibly hard. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Meghan Leahy’s parenting column in the Washington Post FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Aug 21, 2023

In this episode we dive into a concerning trend: teen school refusal. Following the pandemic, school avoidance cases have doubled, escalating into a crisis that affects families across the nation. If you're worried that your teen’s increasing absences will impact their academic performance, social development, and mental well-being, you’re in the right place. Joining us is an esteemed expert, Dr. Jennifer Bienstock. As a licensed psychologist and Director of Clinical Training at the Center for Anxiety & Behavioral Change in Rockville, MD, Dr. Bienstock is here to explain this concerning issue, and how parents can best support teenagers struggling with school avoidance. Resources Mentioned in This Episode FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jul 27, 2023

If you are worried or fed up with your teen’s digital addiction, this episode is for you. We are all painfully aware of the impact that excessive screen time and constant connectivity has on our teen’s mental health, focus, and resiliency. However, we also know that technology is tightly woven into every aspect of our lives and has transformed the way we live, work, learn, and connect. Our job as parents is to find the balance between embracing the benefits of technology and safeguarding our children’s mental and emotional well-being. Not an easy line to walk! In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by school principal Dr. Michael Gaskell to discuss how we can help our teens navigate through the digital noise and reverse its impact on their wellness, focus, and resilience. Dr. Gaskell has written several articles on the topic of digital disruption and its effects on students. He has also discussed the importance of supporting teachers in dealing with the disruptions caused by technology and how administrators can help them in this regard. He currently writes a monthly column in ASCD Smartbrief, presents at national conferences, and has published three books: Radical Principals , Leading Schools Through Trauma , and Microstrategy Magic . Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jul 19, 2023

To the horror of parents worldwide, human trafficking is a growing problem. According to the latest stats, 400,000 minors are trafficked annually. Those at most risk are adolescent girls who are craving attention or have low self-esteem. In this episode we talk about how to keep our daughters safe. Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. John DeGarmo, the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute. As foster parents, he and his wife have had over 60 children come through their home. He is also an international consultant to schools, legal firms, and foster care agencies and the author of several books, including The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom . Dr. John has appeared on Good Morning, America, CNN, NBC, and FOX. He and his wife have received many awards, including the Good Morning America Ultimate Hero Award. Dr. John tells us parents what we need to know about human trafficking and keeping our kids safe. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jul 14, 2023

Do you dread your teen’s emotional outbursts? Is it difficult to calm them down once they get riled up? Do you want to end the exhausting fights and power struggles? Then this episode is for you. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Lawyer-Turned-Peacemaker, Douglas E. Noll. Doug is the co-founder of Prison of Peace, author of several books including De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less, and the creator of the Noll Affect Labeling System. He currently trains inmates in maximum-security prisons to be peacemakers and mediators. Douglas is going to teach us how to use his method with our teenagers so we can have some peace at home once and for all. Resources Mentioned in This Episode FREE eBOOK: How to Listen Others Into Existence FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 14, 2023

Although there is still a lot that we need to learn, societal understanding and awareness of nonbinary identities is improving. Nonbinary often experience a gender identity that falls outside of the male/female binary and may choose to use gender-neutral pronouns such as "they/them" instead of he/him or she/her. Teens who identify as nonbinary may experiment with different gender expressions, including clothing, hairstyles, and accessories, to find what aligns with their authentic selves. Research suggests that nonbinary teens may face higher rates of mental health challenges compared to cisgender (non-transgender) peers, including increased levels of anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidality. This has been attributed to high rates of societal discrimination, misgendering, exclusion, bullying, and a lack of supportive resources. Many nonbinary teens find solace and support within LGBTQ+ communities, online platforms, and youth organizations. They often engage in activism, advocating for their rights, gender equality, and inclusion in various aspects of society. In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with one of these brave advocates, Ivy, a college student and artist who also happens to identify as nonbinary. Ivy shares their story, explains what it’s like to try to be their authentic self in a world that’s not always accepting, and provides some insight into how we can best support our own children who may not identify with a traditional label. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 13, 2023

Over the past decade, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of teenagers coming out as transgender. To skeptical parents, this is often perceived as a concerning trend fueled by social media and easily influenced teenage brains. To gender identity experts, it is attributed to increased awareness and understanding of gender diversity and the growing platforms that enable teens to find resources, support, and connections with others who have similar experiences. Regardless of what you believe, if your teen is questioning their identity, how you respond as a parent can have an enormous impact on their long-term mental health and well-being. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Ronnie Gladden, an international speaker, actor, and tenured college professor who speaks regularly about identity, diversity, and inclusion for K-12 schools, universities, and nonprofits. They are also the author of White Girl Within: Letters of Self-Discovery Between a Transgender and Transracial Black Man and His Inner Female. Dr. Ronnie helps us navigate some of the complexities of gender identity and provides guidance on how to best support teens who identify as transgender. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe

Jun 8, 2023

Teen’s are infamous for their risky behavior and questionable choices. It actually reflects healthy brain development (believe it or not). But when it comes to behavior that has serious repercussions like substance use, fighting, shoplifting, and truancy, we need to step in. Our instinct is to lay down the law and pile on the restrictions. But more often than not, that strategy backfires in the long run. So what do we do to keep our kids safe? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Bobby Huntley, the Superintendent and Pastor of Test of Faith Ministries in Virginia Beach. He served in the Virginia Beach City Public Schools for 19 years as a Security Assistant, In School Suspension Coordinator and Dean of Students / Work Adjustment Teacher. He was also the Director of The Gentlemen's Club, an after school mentoring program for boys. Bobby provides guidance for addressing risky teen behavior in a way that keeps them safe AND builds trust, connection, and respect. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube!

May 26, 2023

Is your teen’s self-esteem in the dumps? Do your attempts to build up their confidence often land flat? If so, this episode is for you. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Shainna, a mental health counselor and the author of The Self-Love Workbook for Teens. Dr. Shainna is passionate about destigmatizing mental health counseling and helping individuals worldwide recognize the importance of fostering mental wellness. She has been featured on ABC, CBS, NPR, the Washington Post, to name a few. Dr. Shainna teaches us some strategies for cultivating our children’s self-worth. Resources Mentioned in This Episode The Mental Wellness Practice podcast The Self Love Workbook for Teens The Self Love Workbook Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

May 7, 2023

Does the amount of time your teenager spends on their phone, playing video games, or scrolling through Tik Tok drive you mad? Do they go ballistic when you try to pry them away or even hint at doing something different? Then this episode is for you. In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Amanda Giordano, Associate Professor of Counseling at the University of Georgia and author of A Clinical Guide to Treating Behavioral Addictions and Addictions Counseling: A Practical Approach. Dr. Giordano is a prolific scholar in the field of addictions counseling and currently has authored 58 journal articles and book chapters. In addition, Dr. Giordano frequently presents on topics related to behavioral addictions both domestically and internationally. Dr. Giordano tells us what parents need to know about adolescent behavioral addiction and provides tips on how to address it. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

May 7, 2023

If your teen gets easily overwhelmed or freezes when they need to make a decision, this episode is for you. In this episode I’m joined by Dr. Juliana Negreiros and Dr. Katherine Martinez, psychologists and co-authors of Your anxious mind: A teen’s guide to anxiety and panic and Getting uncomfortable with uncertainty for Teens. We’re going to discuss how we can help our teens learn to manage their anxiety and stress through coping, problem-solving, and focusing on where they want to go. 3 Big Takeaways: Understanding that uncertainty takes the central stage of a teen’s life is key to helping them make room for and cope with it. Teens need validation before we start problem-solving. When our kids understand their passions, being brave and facing their fears becomes a lot easier Effective parenting starts with the end: we need to take the time to understand where we want our kids to end up so we can know where to begin. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

May 5, 2023

Are you tired of being the warden of homework, screen time, and sleep? Would you like to spend less time nagging and more time enjoying your teen? Then this episode is for you. In this episode, I’m joined by The Parenting Mentor, Sue Groner. Sue is the author of Parenting with Sanity and Joy, 101 Simple Strategies, the host of The Parenting Mentor Sessions Podcast, and is a certified Positive Discipline parent educator. She is also a frequent guest expert on ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox to name a few, and provides advice for many national publications and websites such as The Wall Street Journal, Parents, Real Simple, Today.com, HuffPost, and Katie Couric Media. Sue provides us with some tips for guiding our teens without losing our own sanity. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

May 5, 2023

If you are one of the many parents who are laser-focused on setting your teen up for future success by prioritizing their grades and building up their resume in order to get into the right college so they can get a good job, you may want to take a moment to listen to today’s episode. In this episode I’m joined by Deepali Vyas, the founder and CEO of Fearless+ . Deepali spent 22 years as an executive recruiter and leadership consultant, reviewing over 100,000 resumes, filling 40,000 executive jobs, and conducting C-Suite leadership assessments. Now, she is helping the next generation prepare for their future careers. Deepali and I talk about: The diminishing ROI of college and how parents can prepare their kids for the workforce How to build Soft Skills over the summer (and during the school year) Why grit is the most overlooked ingredient in the recipe for success — and how your teen can demonstrate resilience during the interview process. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jan 31, 2023

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, I’m joined by father and filmmaker Olivier Bernier. Olivier and his wife Hilde created the award-winning documentary, “Forget Me Not: Inclusion in the Classroom,” which follows their journey as their son Emilio with down syndrome prepares to start school. The film aims to break down the social and systemic barriers that routinely segregate and hide children with intellectual disabilities from society. Olivier shares his story and provides guidance on how we can address the inequities in the education system for our own children. 3 Big Takeaways: Children with disabilities are being systematically segregated. Classrooms should mirror the society we want to live in and we all have a part to play. Everyone benefits from inclusive education- both neurotypical children and children with challenges. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Watch the Film: Forget Me Not: Inclusion in the Classroom Resources about Classroom Inclusion Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jan 2, 2023

If you want your teen to thrive within our current hypercompetitive culture and uncertain landscape, this episode is for you. In this episode I’m joined by Cindy Muchnick, Educational Consultant and author of The Parent Compass: Navigating Your Teen's Wellness and Academic Journey in Today's Competitive World, which Katie Couric selected as one of the top 11 fall parenting reads . Cindy shows us how we can best support our teens without having to frantically tutor, manage, and helicopter them. 7 points to the Parent Compass Intact relationships Living a life with purpose Being confident and secure in one's capabilities Attending a "right fit" college Having a zest for exploration and developing insatiable curiosity Being able to self-advocate Embracing new challenges and the mistakes/failures/faltering that come along the way. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Buy the Parent Compass on Amazon Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Dec 8, 2022

This is my 3rd anniversary episode with Jamie Edelbrock. Jamie was my very first podcast guest back in 2019. Pre-Pandemic! We were both just starting a new chapter in our life story and scared! Since then, Jamie has become a prolific advocate for children's mental health. She’s published two award-winning children’s books: Tangled Up and Be the Sparkle, which shine a positive, hopeful light on mental health and therapy. She’s also raising 3 teen girls of her own. Jamie and I talk about what she’s been up to, lessons learned, and 9 powerful ways parents can Be the Sparkle for their teenagers. Be calm Believe them Ask if and how you can help them Leave them alone if they want to be left alone Do not take their words personally Validate their feelings Have patience Listen to connect with them Talk to a professional if needed Resources Mentioned in This Episode Buy Tangled Up Buy Be the Sparkle Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Nov 20, 2022

If you want to prepare your teen to be successful in their careers or whatever they decide to do in the future, this episode is for you. In this episode I’m joined by Michael Trezza, the Founder and CEO of Giant Leaps Learning, an online after-school enrichment program. Michael and his team help kids master the skills they’ll need become great leaders not just in the future, but right now. Michael talks to us about the foundational routines and behaviors he believes are essential for setting our teens up to thrive. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Learn more about Gian Leaps Learning Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Oct 26, 2022

Do your teen’s erratic mood swings and emotional outbursts make you feel like you’re on a never-ending rollercoaster ride? Then this episode is for you. The challenge of dealing with teen emotions is difficult for parents and teens alike. Parents feel like they’re walking on eggshells unsure of what will set their teen off or what to do about it when they do. Teen’s feel overwhelmed by growing demands around school, grades, performance, and behavior and the expectation that they should be able to handle it all and still be pleasant to be around. Although it may seem like a lose-lose situation at times, there are things we can do to change the dynamic. In this episode, I’m joined by Gina Nelson a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the creator of the 10-step method to Combating Teen Anxiety. Gina teaches us how to help our teens manage their big emotions and have conversations about tough topics in a way that makes them feel safe and calm. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Combating Teen Anxiety free mini course Combating Teen Anxiety Teen-Parent Journal on pre-order at Amazon Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Oct 24, 2022

Are you baffled about why your teen is so anxious? Do you want to know how to help them? If so, this episode is for you. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 32% of teens suffered from an anxiety disorder in the last year compared to just 19% of adults, and the numbers keep growing. What’s going on?! In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Loretta Breuning, author of many personal development books, including Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin and Endorphin Levels. She is also the Founder of the Inner Mammal Institute which helps thousands of people make peace with their inner mammal. Dr. Breuning teaches us how anxiety shows up in the brain and how we can use that information to help our teens (and ourselves) manage anxiety more effectively. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Books by Dr. Loretta Breuning Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Endorphin Levels Status Games Tame Your Anxiety: Rewiring Your Brain for Happiness The Science of Positivity Inner Mammal Institute Video Series Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Oct 10, 2022

If your teenager has low self-confidence or is anxious about being picked on, this episode is for you. 7 in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school, and friendships. Boys struggle with self-esteem almost as much. When teens feel bad about themselves, they may try to avoid normal daily activities like going to school, or often engage in unhealthy activities like cutting, bullying, disordered eating, and even losing themselves in video games. What can we do? In this episode, I’m joined by Clinical Psychologist, Kate Lund, who has worked with major hospitals, schools, and hundreds of parents. Her international bestselling book Bounce is the ultimate guide to helping children build resilience and thrive in all areas of life. Kate and I discuss: How to help your teens build resilience Common mistakes parents make trying to build their teen’s confidence The #1 thing parents can do to build their child’s self-esteem Resources Mentioned in This Episode Kate Lund’s Website Bounce Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive in School, Sports and Life The Seven Pillars of a Resilient Child parenting course Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Sep 21, 2022

If you’re worried your teen may be sending or receiving inappropriate snapchats, texts, and DMs, this episode is for you. According to the CDC sexting can damage a teen’s self-image, is linked to cyberbullying, increases rates of depression and other mental health issues, and may even result in felony charges. Yet, this activity has become somewhat normalized even expected among teens. Nearly 15% have sent an explicit or suggestive image or message, and one out of four teens have received one. In this episode, I’m joined by Christy Keating, founder and CEO of The Heartful Parent, to discuss how to talk to our teens about consent, and what to do if we discover they’ve been sexting. Resources Mentioned in This Episode The Heartful Parent website Parenting Outside the B.O.C.S. tip sheet Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Sep 12, 2022

If you have a plus-sized teen struggling with their body image or not feeling accepted, this episode is for you. Thanks to media, advertisers, and the ever-growing weight-loss industry, we live in a society that believes the thinner the better. This has led to an increase in eating disorders for both women and men, which has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. To counter this dangerous trend, many are trying to reignite the body positive movement that was first launched in the 60’s. The goal is to shift the focus from thin as the image of “health” to the acceptance and celebration of all sizes and weights. But we still have a long way to go! In this episode I’m joined by Pam Luk, the founder of Ember & Ace, an athletic wear brand exclusively for plus size kids (PSKs). Pam and I discuss: The impact of today’s thin culture on our kids How to help children of all shapes and sizes develop a positive body image How to support and advocate for our children Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube!

Aug 24, 2022

If you know or suspect your teen is using drugs or want to prevent them, this episode is for you. More than half of teens surveyed said they have experimented with substances such as alcohol, marijuana, vaping, and prescription drugs. Some are able to stop easily, some are not, some have no interest in even trying. In this episode I’m joined by KL Wells, the Founder of Voices InCourage, to help parents navigate teen drug use and addiction. In this episode we cover: What parents can do if they suspect or know their child is using. How to protect your teen from addiction. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Voices InCourage website Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube!

Aug 24, 2022

The American Academy of Pediatrics recently declared adolescent mental health a national emergency , as rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts continue to skyrocket. The pandemic brought this serious issue to the forefront, but this uptick started years before COVID arrived on the scene. Sadly, and too often, the parents of these teens are the last to learn about their child's mental health struggles—and often too late to take action. In this episode, I’m joined by Elliot Kallen, the Co-Founder and President of A Brighter Day, a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing suicide by helping teens manage their depression and stress. Elliot is going to teach us what warning signs to look for and what we can do to protect our teens from the number one preventable cause of death. Key Takeaways Warning signs: drastic change in behavior patterns (sleep habits, eating, socializing) Redefine what failure means to remove implicit stress What we want for our child may not align with who they are and what they need. What parents can do: Listen! Cell phones create a highlight reel of everyone else’s life. Makes it seem like everyone else has a better life than they do. They feel like a victim Make dinner a cell phone free environment - for EVERYONE -- and talk. Ask questions: What are their favorite classes and why? Favorite activity and why? To make room for all the things we pack into our child’s life to ensure they succeed is often at the expense of the most important thing - time to build a connection with us. You can’t depend on the schools to care for your child’s mental health. They don’t have the training or the bandwidth. You need to take it into your own hands. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Text "BRIGHTER" to 741741 for 24/7 mental health support Parent Survival Toolkit and a Teen Survival Toolkit Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube!

Aug 14, 2022

If you’re uncomfortable or unsure about how to talk to your teen daughter about periods, sex, or personal hygiene this episode is for you. Today I’m joined by Dr. Jennifer Lincoln, a board-certified OB-GYN who is passionate about helping girls, women, and those assigned female at birth understand their bodies and feel empowered to advocate for themselves. Dr. Lincoln is going to help us tackle “the talk” and other tough health conversations with our teens. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Let's Talk About Down There: An OBGYN Answers All Your Burning Questions Without Making You Feel Embarrassed for Asking Dr. Jen’s YouTube playlist for parents Girlology Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Aug 6, 2022

If your teen is a target of bullying, the instigator, or even a witness to bullying, this episode is for you. One out of every five students report being bullied based on their physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, or sexual orientation. In other words, prejudice. The bullying behavior can range from verbal and physical assault to casual, yet hurtful comments. In all cases, it has a negative impact on the mental health of everyone involved: the bullied, the bully, and the bystander. We know from research that ignoring the behavior or trying to stop it, only makes it worse because it doesn’t address why the behavior exists. So, what do we do instead? That’s what we’re going to talk about in this episode. Today I’m joined by Deanna Singh, founder of the Flying Elephant, who is on a mission to empower marginalized communities. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube!

Jul 18, 2022

If your teen is involved in sports, this episode is for you. We encourage our children to get involved in sports for many reasons: have fun, meet friends, get exercise, and learn valuable skills like teamwork, perseverance, and sportsmanship. Unfortunately, there is also an epidemic of abuse as well—not just at the Olympic and college level, but in our middle and high schools too. In this episode Dr. Amy Saltzman shares tips on how to spot and stop our own children from being abused and what we can do to create a safety net of prevention, healing, and protection to end this epidemic. Key Takeaways Overt emotional abuse involves yelling and screaming and is easy to detect. Covert emotional abuse is subtle and often extremely hard to detect. Often looks like generosity at first with love bombs (special treatment, praise, gifts, and friendship). Builds trust. The four primary patterns that covert emotionally abusive coaches weave together to create the web of covert emotional abuse: tangling feelings of specialness and fear, controlling the environment, isolating victims, and distorting the truth. If child resists going to practice, get curious. To keep our children safe, we must not only dismantle the spider’s web (the abuser), but also create a safety net of prevention, healing, and protection. Enacting policies that protect children on a national level is crucial to ending the epidemic of abuse and beginning cycles of healing. If coach is abusive, report them. May also consider pulling child from team. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Dr. Saltzman’s article See It. Stop It. Heal It: Ending Cycles of Abuse in Sports and Society Spot a Spider videos Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jul 4, 2022

This week, in recognition of pride month, we’re talking about how to better understand and support our non-binary and transgender children. Although the LGBTQ+ community has gained more acceptance and support over the years, statistics show that most remain closeted in fear of discrimination. They are also at far more serious risk for depression, suicide, and victimization. My goal is to answer questions, clear up misconceptions, and put some fears to rest so we can show up for our children the way they need us to. In this episode I’m joined by my nephew, Matthias, to talk about gender identity, what it means to be non-binary, and how to best support our children as they transition. Matt is also an LGBTQ+ Tik Tok advocate at www.tiktok.com/@matthiaussy . Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 21, 2022

This week, in recognition of pride month, we’re talking about how to better understand and support our non-binary and transgender children. Although the LGBTQ+ community has gained more acceptance and support over the years, statistics show that most remain closeted in fear of discrimination. They are also at far more serious risk for depression, suicide, and victimization. My goal is to answer questions, clear up misconceptions, and put some fears to rest so we can show up for our children the way they need us to. In this episode I’m joined by Camden and his dad David to talk about the transgender experience, coming out, and how to best support our LGBTQ+ children. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 14, 2022

If you’re worried about what your teen is doing online, concerned they’ll fall prey to predators, and can’t seem to get through to them how dangerous the internet can be, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Safety and Security Influencer Cathy Pedrayes to share tips for keeping our teens safe online. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Get Cathy’s free ebook: The Mom Friend Guide to Everyday Safety and Security Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 13, 2022

If you’re frustrated because your teen refuses to talk to you, wants little to do with you or the rest of family, or snaps at you when you provide guidance, this episode is for you. I’m joined by former middle school teacher turned coach Elise Knox. She shares tips on how to connect with our teens with her three steps to listening without judgment. Key Takeaways If we haven't healed our past traumas or relationship issues, we project that onto our kids. Be aware of your face, body language, and energy. They pick up on that. If you shut them down and judge them enough times, they will stop coming to you. CBA of listening Clarity: What do they need from you? Advice or empathy. Breathe: Open your body language, open your mind, and calm your nervous system, so that you can be that open space for them to come and share Accept: Understand that they're learning how to process things in different ways. If you’re shocked by what they say or don’t’ know what to say, ask, “tell me more.” This puts the ball back in their court and gives you time to compose yourself to process whatever they've said. Beware of futurecasting, which is thinking if they’re doing this now, they’ll always do it. They're never going to get a job. They’re never going to talk to me again. Parenting teens can feel isolating. See outside support and help. You’re not alone. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Elise’s free communication guide: https://www.eliseknox.com/communication Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 6, 2022

In this episode, I answer the following parent question: Nothing we do makes our daughter happy. Why can’t she just accept a comment, advice, suggestion without complaining and pushing back? How can I make her listen and accept what she is being told without an argument? Key Takeaways Allow them to voice their opinions without retribution. Rather than getting mad that they are resistant, get curious and find out why. Model what it looks like to listen, by listening to them first. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to my podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please take a moment to rate and review. This helps parents like you find the show. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group .

Jun 5, 2022

In this episode, I provide tips for addressing teen anger. This is in response to the following parent questions: What is the best way to diffuse a teen who is in the middle of a temper flare-up? How should a parent respond in the moment of frustration (both on the part of the parent and teen)? Key Takeaways Your teen’s emotions/meltdowns are a response to their brain’s fire alarm alerting them that they are not safe and need to protect themselves. Understand the situation from their perspective. Why are they upset? Proactively decide how you are going to response in a way that brings the temperature down and clears the smoke. Find ways to prevent the need for blow ups and teach them strategies to express emotions more effectively and respectively. Next time your teen’s fire alarm goes off, respond calmly and focus on what they need to feel safe. Have a Question for Dr. Cam? Submit it via email . Send me a message on Facebook or Instagram . Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please take a moment to rate and review. This helps parents like you find the show. Review on iTunes . Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group . Schedule a FREE consult with Dr. Cam Want to know how Dr. Cam can help your family thrive? Grab a time at www.calldrcam.com .

May 29, 2022

In this episode, I’m joined by Jeff Otis, the founder of the personal leadership platform, Project OTY. Jeff is going to clue us in to why teens may resist taking accountability, how to encourage them to take more accountability, and how to help them uncover a sense of purpose and own their future. Key Takeaways The three O’s: Own your time, own your education, and own your organization We need to acknowledge that we've got a generation of young adults growing up in a world that none of us have experienced. The speed at which information is coming at them is off the charts. It's becoming more difficult to take ownership and make decisions when it feels like the future is fuzzy and unsure. Help them build their roadmap to create their purpose. Shift the focus to what they want their world to look like five years from today. Define success. Create a visual representation of what success looks like. If you can see it, you start to believe it, and then you start taking those steps to achieve it. One of the challenges we see in education is that it is very career focused. I think we're doing a disservice to young adults and teens by talking about picturing the rest of their life. That feels overwhelming. Change doesn’t happen overnight, be a little bit patient. You're in the middle of what's happening and often you can get caught up reacting to what's happening. When it becomes frustrating, this is an opportunity to pause for a moment, step back and look at why it's happening. When we start to unpeel, we see the uncertainty and fears that need to be addressed. There are four stages to learning Unconscious incompetence: You don't know what you don't know Conscious incompetence: You realize you don't know what you need to know. Conscious competence: You know what to do, but you still must think about it for a little bit. Unconscious competence: Everything's on a reflex. Start exploring opportunities that are in alignment with your child’s unique strengths. Introduce them to different solutions and help them acknowledge and understand what their unique strengths are and how to leverage then today to move themselves forward. We encourage young adults to reach out to 10 people that they trust to be honest with them, and ask them, “How would you describe my unique strength?” What strengths above all others seem to come effortlessly for me? This does a few things It’s an immediate confidence boost for the young adult. They'll see strengths they may not have recognized in themselves. They're developing a list of strengths they can leverage going forward. New strengths are going to develop as we experience new things, but at every given point a young adult needs to be aware of what strengths they can leverage right now. Accountability starts with young adults identifying their unique strengths and how they can leverage them. When they can imagine a future they are passionate to go build, they will start getting out of bed a lot earlier on their own. “As a parent, it's vitally important to be aware that your child is a unique individual.” Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. Do you have some feedback or questions about this episode? Leave a comment in the section below! Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes , YouTube , Google , Spotify . You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group . Leave an iTunes Review Ratings and reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. They help this podcast rank higher on iTunes, which exposes the show to more awesome listeners like you. If you have a minute, please leave a review on iTunes .

May 9, 2022

Episode Summary In this episode, I’m joined by sleep physician and youth psychiatrist Dr. Cara Ooi. Dr. Ooi is going to clue us in to why the teen years are a perfect storm for insomnia, the most common mistakes parents make when trying to get their teen’s sleep back on track and the three things we can do instead. Key Takeaways The teen years create the perfect storm for insomnia. There is a natural delay in their body clock, which makes it difficult for them to fall asleep; they aren’t coping well with stress, which makes it challenging to unwind at night; they spend a lot of time hanging out on their beds, which creates an association with an awake alert state. Common mistake #1: Insisting teens get to bed too early. Their bodies aren't ready for sleep until 12 or one. If their bedtime is before that, they end up spending 2-3 hours in bed not sleeping. This can snowball into more anxiety and frustration and strengthens a negative association with their bed, which makes it even more difficult to sleep. Common mistake #2: Don’t start by taking screens away. This creates conflict right before bed, which disrupts sleep more than the screens do. It also erodes connection, which means they’ll dig their heels in more. Common mistake #3: Trying to convince them by telling them the benefits of sleep. This tends to be counterproductive Tips to reset your teen’s sleep: Delay their bedtime to better match up with when they are actually sleepy, to retrain their association with their bed to being in calm, sleepy state and good sleep. Create a cozy nook. A place that is separate from their bed but provides the same comfort and privacy. This can be a fun project to do together. Create a sleep kit to put next to their bed so they don’t default to staring at their phone if they wake up. Can include notebook and pen, book or magazine, coloring book. Minimize the amount of light in the room as much as possible. The darker the better. Meet your teen where they’re at. Find a reason to get better sleep that is important to them. For example, if they love video games, better sleep can improve their reaction time. If you want to reset their sleep schedule, make small incremental changes to give their body the opportunity to adjust. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Learn more about Dr. Ooi on her website and snag her free resources: The Parent’s Jumpstart Guide to Help Your Teen Sleep Better and I'm Exhausted but I Can't Sleep Webinar Tune into her podcast series: Find the Eight You can also connect with Dr. Ooi on Instagram + Tik Tok @decodeinsomnia I’d love to hear from you too! Send me a message on Facebook or Instagram . Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube!

Feb 10, 2022

Disrespect, backtalk, and lying are just a few of the problematic teen behaviors many parents are trying to deal with. What do you do when you’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to work? That’s what we’re going to tackle in today’s episode. I’m joined by Kimball Lewis, the CEO of EmpoweringParents.com (@ParentingAdvice). In addition to his leadership and management roles, he contributes as an editor, a homeschooling expert, and a parent coach. Kimball is frequently interviewed by CBS News in Tampa Bay, Florida, for his expert parenting advice FREE STUFF! Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips Coupon code CAM10 good for $10 off the first month's subscription of The Total Transformation Online Package. If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Feb 8, 2022

Navigating divorce and stepparenting is challenging for everyone involved, but statistics show it’s particularly difficult for teen-aged children. Fortunately, there are things we can do to ease the transition and even thrive. Today I’m joined by authors of @ourhappydivorce Nikki DeBartolo and Ben Heldfond. Although their marriage has been over for nearly a decade, Nikki and Ben have learned how to create a happy life with each other and their new families. They are sharing their story in hopes of empowering and inspiring people to think differently about divorce, co-parenting, step-parenting, and what it means to put kids first. FREE STUFF! Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Feb 3, 2022

Is your teen’s fear of being around a lot of people, getting called on in class, or having to talk to someone new making it feel impossible to go to school or out in public? Are you worried that they are becoming too isolated but don’t know how to help? Then this episode is for you. I’m joined by Mark Metry, a 24-year-old mental health advocate, Forbes featured TEDx keynote speaker, host of the Social Anxiety Society podcast, and author of "Screw Being Shy.” Mark’s Kick Social Anxiety program helps people break free from anxiety by rewiring their brain, and today he’s going to give us some tips on how to best support our socially anxious teens. FREE STUFF! Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 30, 2021

Did you know that almost half of our kids have been exposed to sexting by the time they were 14 and that number continues to grow? As a mom of a 15-year-old daughter that scares me. That’s why I’ve invited Sean Clifford, CEO and Founder of Canopy to join me today. A father of 4 young children, Sean founded Canopy in 2019 to protect children from pornography and help families take advantage of what’s good about the Internet without the bad. In this episode, Sean is teaching us how to help our teens navigate technology safely. FREE STUFF! Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 28, 2021

If your teen is miserable and making everyone around them miserable and you don’t know how to break them out of it, this episode is for you. Today I’m joined by Chris DT Gordon (@chrisdt.gordon.5), an international speaker, teacher, and survivor of the flesh-eating bacteria necrotizing fasciitis. After his recovery, this teacher from Minnesota chose to rise above his circumstances to help others. He created The Attitude of Gratitude (TAG), which helps people overcome their own “personal bacteria,” increase their positivity and resilience, and improve the lives of those around them. Chris strives to share TAG with young adults all over the world so they can achieve greatness on their own terms. FREE STUFF! Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 23, 2021

If you have an overachieving, stressed out teen who is crumbling under the weight of their own high expectations and self-inflicted pressure, this episode is for you. Today I’m joined by Teen Takeoff Coach Donovan Dreyer, who specializes in preparing highly driven teens to accomplish their lofty life goals. Through his organization Get Ready Coaching, Donovan helps overachieving students get clarity on what they truly want and minimize their constant need to be perfect at EVERYTHING. FREE STUFF! Talking to teens about their lofty goals: https://www.getreadycoaching.com Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Secrets for Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 21, 2021

I’ve been inviting several experts on recently to talk about Teen Anxiety. It’s something I see a lot in my practice, and the statistics support the growing problem. According to Pew Research three-in-ten teens say they feel tense or nervous about their day every or almost every day. Seven-in-ten say anxiety and depression is a major problem among people their age in the community where they live. And the #1 cause of teen anxiety according to teens is pressure to get good grades. Today I’m joined by Parent and Teen Coach, Dana Baker-Williams. Dana specializes in ADHD and Anxiety, which are often linked. Today Dana is going to provide us with some tips for helping us help our teens manage their stress and some strategies for fostering self-confidence and independence - the antidotes of anxiety. FREE STUFF! Mental Health Resources for Teens & Their Families: https://drcam.ck.page/mental-health-resources 8 Coping Skills to Mitigate Anxiety: https://www.parentinginreallife.org/anxiety If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 16, 2021

Did you know that one out of three kids between the ages of 13 and 18 will find themselves in an abusive relationship this year? That statistic is terrifying to us parents, which is why I’ve invited Nenia Corcoran (@neniacorcoranauthor) to teach us what we need to know about Teen Dating Violence. Nenia combines her own experiences as a sexual assault survivor with her decade of training as a police officer to empower and educate young adults on toxic relationships, dating violence and consent. She also writes young adult fiction novels focused on raising awareness surrounding difficult topics teens often struggle to deal with. Today Nenia is going to provide us some tips and insight to help us protect our teens from dating violence and empower them to recognize abusive relationships and break free. FREE STUFF! Mental Health Resources for Teens & Their Families: https://drcam.ck.page/mental-health-resources If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 14, 2021

If your teen is stressed out trying to do it all but struggling to stay focused and motivated, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Oie Dobier, the founder of Project Who Am I (@projWhoAmI), is a mom of 2 teenagers and a nature loving, bubble tea fanatic. Her mission in life is to help people pay attention to their true self so they can intentionally fill their day with things that leverage their natural talents AND things that align to what’s important to their life. In this episode, Oie tells us how to prevent our perfectionist teens from falling into the “Stay Busy” trap and help them find their true passion, purpose, and focus. FREE STUFF! From Oie: Downloadable Career Ideas Guide: www.projectwhoami.com/career From Dr. Cam. 10 Secrets to Raising Teens: https://www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 9, 2021

If you or your teen experiences days filled with anxiety and overwhelm, this episode is for you. I’m joined by George Kalantzis (@Theartoftoughtransitions), author of NOWHERE TO GO , combat veteran, coach, and dad. He empowers people to overcome the toughest days of their lives. Outside of coaching and writing, you can find him hiking and eating ice cream with his daughter. Today, George is going to help us better understand how anxiety works and teach us some ways to get over our overwhelm under.

Dec 7, 2021

If your teen is struggling with poor body image, body dysmorphia, or an eating disorder, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Jillian Walsh, the founder, Clinical Director and Nova Scotia Team Lead at Change Creates Change Eating Disorder Care (@changecreateschange). Jillian is both a Registered Dietitian and a Registered Psychotherapist. For the past 8 years, she has been helping children and adolescents living with eating disorders and supporting parents through their children’s eating disorder recovery. Today, Jillian is going to tell us how to detect if our child has an eating disorder and how to model a positive body image and relationship with food for our teens FREE STUFF! From Jillian: Webinar for parents who are worried that their child may have an eating disorder. November 9th at 7 pm EST. Register at: https://landing.changecreateschange.com/webinar From Dr. Cam. 10 Secrets to Raising Teens: https://www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Dec 3, 2021

If you’re struggling with your teen’s behavior and nothing seems to work, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Adele Spraggon, an award-winning author, a thought leader, international speaker and trainer. She has been awarded the 2020, Woman of Inspiration Award, and in 2021, she was recognized as the Top Behavioural Expert of the Year. Her book Shift: 4 Steps to Personal Empowerment has won three awards and is sweeping the globe, transforming how people are setting and achieving their goals with her repatterning technique. Today, Adele is going to teach us how to impact our teen’s behaviors (and our own) by upgrading the underlying brain patterns. FREE STUFF! From Adele. Get a copy of her book @ www.shift4steps.com (just pay shipping). From Dr. Cam. 10 Secrets to Raising Teens: https://www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Nov 30, 2021

If your teen seems out of control and you’re worried about their risky behavior and questionable choices, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Michael Unbroken, author of the best-selling book Think Unbroken . Michael is a coach, mentor, and educator for adult survivors of child abuse. Michael also hosts The Michael Unbroken podcast, teaches at Think Unbroken Academy and is on a mission to end generational trauma. Today, Michael is going to give us a peak into the mind of a troubled teen and teach us how to connect with them in a way that helps them thrive. FREE STUFF! From Michael Unbroken. PDF copy of Think Unbroken: Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma. From Dr. Cam. 10 Secrets to Raising Teens: https://www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Nov 18, 2021

Want to teach your teen how to speak up and advocate for themselves in a responsible way? Then this episode is for you. I’m joined by Adrienne Waller, the owner of Worldwide Educator, an education consulting company focused on empowering educators to own their instructional genius while activating students. For the past 15 years, Adrienne has been working with educators across the US and the world, including Qatar, China, and she’s currently an Assistant Principal in the Cayman Islands. Today, Adrienne is going to share with us how help our teens build self-advocacy skills. FREE STUFF! From today’s guest. Talking to teens: https://mailchi.mp/4f4d364bb201/conversations-with-teens From Dr. Cam. 10 Secrets to Raising Teens: https://www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Nov 18, 2021

If you’re feeling disconnected with your teen this episode is for you. I’m talking Melanie Prather Studer the author of COLLEGE BOUND The Ultimate List of Conversions to Help Your Teen Through High School and the blog Parenting High Schoolers where she shares real world ideas and solutions for raising teens in today’s world. Today, Melanie is going to share with us how to create a stronger connection with our teens – even when it feels like they’re pulling away. FREE STUFF! From today’s guest: “Control What You Can" Printable. https://www.parentinghighschoolers.com/opt-in/podcast From Dr. Cam: 10 Secrets to Raising Teens. https://www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Nov 14, 2021

If you fear appearing weak and vulnerable in front of people—especially your kids—this episode is for you. Today I’m talking with Fatima Oliver (@fatima.oliver.79656), wife, mother, and author of the newly released book "The Prescription is in the Dirt" As a Transformational Coach & Speaker, Fatima’s mission is to help people heal from childhood trauma, heartbreak, abuse, and horrible decision-making using her "Baby Step" approach. Today, Fatima is going to share with us the power of vulnerability and how it can make us stronger parents. FREE STUFF! Dr. Cam’s 10 Secrets to Raising Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Nov 4, 2021

In this episode…If your teen is struggling in school or unmotivated to even try, this episode is for you. Today I’m talking with Dr. Norrine Russell (@drnorrinerussell) the founder of Russell Coaching . Dr. Russell’s passion for providing support to frustrated students and weary parents is fueled by her own experience of raising two neurologically atypical children with diagnosis of autism, mood disorders, ADHD, giftedness, and learning differences. Dr. Russell knows firsthand the exhaustion parents face as they seek solutions for their out-of-the-box children. In today’s episode Dr. Russell is going to give us some tips on how to best support and encourage our teens. FREE STUFF! Listeners who mention this facebook live segment will receive 20% off the first three months of student coaching with Dr. Russell. Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Nov 3, 2021

If your teen’s video game obsession is driving you mad, this episode is for you! Today I’m talking with Michael Chang, CEO and Founder @VGCDAcademy and author of the international best-selling book "Video Games Demystified: The Trifecta of Creators, Athletes, and Ecosystem in a Thriving Industry." As a former marketing leader at Electronic Arts and RockYou, Michael has managed video games generating over $250 million. His company, VGCD Academy, teaches young people the science and business of video games. Michael is going to teach us how to leverage the love of gaming to inspire teens to become leaders, entrepreneurs, scientists, mathematicians, artists, and more. FREE STUFF! The first 25 parents who visit Michael’s website ( https://www.vgcd.academy/contact-us/ ) will get a FREE PDF version of his book. Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Oct 29, 2021

If your teen is struggling to cope and you’re struggling to help them, this episode is for you. Today I’m talking to Johnny Crowder (@johnnyxcrowder), Founder & CEO of Cope Notes , about how to combat compassion fatigue and connect with your teen more deeply. Johnny is a 28-year-old suicide/abuse survivor, TEDx speaker, touring musician, and founder of Cope Notes, a text-based mental health platform that provides daily support to users in nearly 100 countries around the world. Armed with 10 years of clinical treatment, a psychology degree from UCF, and a decade of peer support and public advocacy through NAMI, Johnny’s firsthand experience with mental illness equips him to provide insight into the pains of hardship with authenticity and wit. FREE STUFF! • Use coupon code TEEN10 for 10% off any Cope Notes gift subscription for your teen • Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Oct 27, 2021

If you find parenting more frustrating than fun, this episode is for you. Today I’m talking with Joey Mascio, Teen Life Coach at Firmly Founded (@joey.firmlyfoundedcoaching) about how to improve your relationship with your teen without changing them and how find more joy together. Joey is a certified life coach who helps teens and young adults stop letting stress, procrastination, and self-doubt suck all the fun out of being successful. He is a former middle school teacher who spent four years in the on campus suspension room where he started coaching teens. He also has professional training in performance, improv, and comedy. FREE STUFF! 30-day free trial of the Firmly Founded Teen, a coaching membership designed just for teens @ www.firmlyfounded.com/teen Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Oct 21, 2021

If you’re struggling to connect with your teen, you’ll want to listen to this episode. Today Raquel and I are talking about the three keys to connecting with your teen: communication, compassion, and listening. Raquel is the Founder of RAQVISION, Creator of Raq The Boat Show, Personal Brand Strategist, Mental Health Advocate and Youth Advocate. FREE STUFF! Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Oct 21, 2021

Today I’m talking with Norman W. Holden, the Author of Do Better! How One Father Gained Wisdom from Texting His Teen Daughter . Norm is not a therapist, licensed professional or counselor. He describes himself as a down-to earth everyday man, husband, and father of two, who has earned his hard-knocks degree in parenting. Norm and I are talking about: How to use texting to connect with your teen. How dads can strengthen their relationship with their daughters. How to help teens navigate technology safely. FREE STUFF! From Dr. Cam: Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!

Oct 16, 2021

Today I’m talking with Joy Marchese (@positivedisciplineUK), a global educational consultant, author, keynote speaker, parent coach, and emotional architect. For 25 years Joy has worked with thousands of children, parents, teachers, and professionals to help foster a happy and flourishing environment in the home, in schools, and in the workplace. Joy is the Founder of Positive Discipline UK and co-author of Positive Discipline for Today’s Busy (& Overwhelmed) Parent . She runs a successful global educational consultancy and coaching practice and develops SEL courses and products to teach social-emotional skills in homes, schools, and multiple organizations throughout the world. Joy and I are talking about: How to talk so your teens will listen The importance of Connection BEFORE Correction How to be kind AND firm at the same time FREE STUFF! From Joy: How not to lose your SH*T with your kids https://www.joymarchese.com/get-the-guide From Dr. Cam: Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Oct 12, 2021

Today I’m talking with bestselling author and executive coach Dr. Lois Frankel. The name Dr. Lois Frankel has become practically synonymous with empowering women in the workplace. She is the author of the bestselling business bible for women, Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office , and other books in the "nice girls" series. Lois is a pioneer in the field of executive coaching and a sought-after international keynote speaker. She has now turned toward helping parents to raise self-confident daughters and is working on a book on the topic. An avid photographer, Lois sells her work at her website www.loisfrankelphotography.com and gives the proceeds to a nonprofit she started that helps working women who live at the poverty level when they encounter medical challenges. Dr. Frankel and I are talking about: The key challenges facing parents raising girls today. Best practices for addressing those challenges. How to be a better role model for your daughter.

Oct 5, 2021

Today I’m talking with parent coach Patricia Wilkinson (@authorpatriciawilkinson) Patricia is a mom of two kids who had "challenges" they now use as strengths in successful relationships and careers. Founder of Brain Stages Parenting, coauthor of Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It, veteran teacher, and science nerd, Trish shares kid-tested, research-supported tips to raise successful humans in our complicated world. Patricia and I are talking about how to problem solve WITH your teen to get buy in when an issue needs to be addressed. FREE STUFF! Free mini course: Enjoy Your Kids Through Problem Solving (use with coupon code: 2021BESTYEARYET) Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 30, 2021

Today I’m talking with Dr. Tamara Soles, Child Psychologist and Parent Coach. Dr. Tamara is a psychologist, parent coach, and founder of The Secure Child Center for Families and Children She’s also the mom of twins who present everyday opportunities to live what she’s practiced with families for over 15 years- that harnessing the power of connection helps children thrive! Dr. Tamara is the creator of the online parenting course, No More Power Struggles which opens its doors again soon. Currently, you can hear Dr. Tamara on her podcast- This Hour has 50 minutes. Dr. Tamara and I are talking about… Why punishment/reward system doesn’t work and what to do instead How to encourage problem-solving and allowing the space for mistakes The importance of living by a set of defined values FREE STUFF! 5 Hacks to Reset your Kid's Nervous System: https://drtamarasoles.com/hacks 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens: www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 29, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with intuitive life coach Murielle Fellous. Murielle was raised in France and now resides in Las Vegas where she raised three kids as a single mom. For years she coached people on relationships but bouncing back from depression when her kids became teenagers and started acting out was so painful that she redirected her focus. She is now helping single moms with teens to overcome their challenges and prevent the spiraling down into negative emotions, anxiety and/or depression. Murielle and Dr. Cam talk about: How single moms can parent with more ease and less anxiety Regulating emotions with tapping How to lean into our power as a single mom FREE STUFF! EFT Anchoring Points: https://www.coparentingwiththeuniverse.com/eft.html 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 23, 2021

Today I’m talking with Todd Nesloney (@toddnesloney), award-winning teacher, principal, and author of numerous books including Kids Deserve It! , Stories From Webb , Sparks in the Dark , and his newest book When Kids Lead . Todd is the Director of Culture and Strategic Leadership for the Texas Elementary Principals and Supervisors Association (TEPSA). He hosts the podcast #TellYourStory and has created two online courses about building Campus & Classroom Culture. Todd has been working his entire career to help grow students into leaders and world-changers. Todd and I are talking about: How parents can nurture their teen’s leadership skills What teens need most from us to succeed FREE STUFF! Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 21, 2021

Today I’m talking with THE MOST Freaking amazing life coach for parents of teens Ben Pugh. He told me to say that, but I agree he’s pretty awesome. Ben is a former teenage knucklehead who accidentally lit his school bus on fire. All the adults in his life told him he ruined his life. He went on to become a teacher, turn around high school principal for 5 years, a foster parent for 10 years, and is now changing the lives of parents and teens all over as the go-to life coach for parents of teens. Ben and I are talking about: The role of shame and fear in parenting and how to overcome it. The magic of leading by example and how to do it. FREE STUFF! Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 16, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Dr. Ian Chen (@chenmedimo), an adolescent medicine expert and researcher. Dr. Chen’s research combines psychology, medicine, neuroscience and mathematical modelling together in order to understand the development of the adolescent brain and to help young people become more resilient. He continues to research brain maturation using EEG and brain imaging techniques as part of the research and development at the new mental health institution that he is heading, Chen Medimo Corp. Dr. Chen and Dr. Cam talk about: What brain imaging technologies show us about brain maturation The difference between mental health and mental performance The impact of technology on the developing brain and its social ramifications. How to use this information to build resilience and detect warning signs. FREE STUFF! Dr. Chen is offering a promotion to listeners on his website www.chenmedimo.org . Use promo code: CMCDRCAM Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 14, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Jesse Giunta Rafeh, international best-selling author of Life Launch: A Roadmap to an Extraordinary Adulthood . Jesse is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified success coach. She opened her private practice 15 years ago at age 26 working primarily young adults. Giunta is also a TEDx speaker. Her book, Life Launch, is a 360-degree guide to transitioning successfully into adulthood. It includes profound yet practical strategies for coping with anxiety and depression, creating an ideal career, and sustaining healthy relationships. Jesse and Dr. Cam about: How to be strategic about the timing of conversations. How to speak logically and succinctly. How to make it a negotiation not an ultimatum. FREE STUFF! Jesse Giunta Rafeh will offer free copies of her book Life Launch to the first 10 people who visit her website - https://www.jesse-giunta-rafeh.com/contact Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 9, 2021

Today I’m talking with Susan Borison, the founder and editor of Your Teen Media (@YourTeen) Susan went to law school to prepare herself for negotiating with five teenagers. In the process, she needed to bolster her skills, so she founded Your Teen Media. In the past 14 years, YTM has helped countless parents also searching for the tools and advice to be the best parent they can be. Susan and I are talking about: How to find joy with your teenagers How to develop more compassion for yourself How to learn what's worth the fight and what's worth turning a blind eye FREE STUFF! Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 7, 2021

Today I’m talking with author and leader in school reform, Dr. Megan Sweet (@Your3Eyes). Dr. Sweet has almost 30 years of experience as a classroom teacher and school administer and for the past 15 years has been a leader in system-wide school reform. Her book is “An Education Guide for Using Your 3 Eyes.” Dr. Sweet is also the cohost of the education-based podcast The Awakening Educator, which covers topics such as equity, trauma-informed approaches to instruction, school lunch programs, and more. Dr. Sweet and I are talking about: How to address our worry about academics and grades How to help our teens process the constant changes How to help our teens thrive in the changing school environment FREE STUFF! Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Sep 2, 2021

In this epsidode, Dr. Cam talks with Parenting Life Coach Deborah Ann Davis (@mommeetupforconfidentgirls) Deborah is also an author, certified personal trainer, teacher, and mother. Her job is to help you recognize what you’re doing right as a parent, and then add supplemental strategies. Here books, “How To Keep Your Daughter From Slamming the Door” and “How To Get Your Happy On,” are available everywhere. Deborah and Dr. Cam talk about: How the teenage brain differs from an adult brain. Why your teenage kids make the bad choices they do, and why we made bad choices when we were their age. How to deal with The Inevitables and The Non-Negotiables when parenting a teenage brain. FREE STUFF! Get a free digital copy of “How To Get Your Happy On” at www.DeborahAnnDavis.com Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Aug 31, 2021

In this epsidoe, Dr. Cam talks with Wendy Weinberger, President & Co-founder of Illuminos Academic Coaching & Tutoring (@IlluminosCoaching) Illuminos is a passion project born from Wendy’s experiences growing up with numerous family members with ADHD. When a child close to her received the same diagnosis, she not only worked hard to help him overcome the many challenges but decided to bring her cousin Evan’s academic coaching business to the DC area to help students in her community with similar struggles. Wendy and Dr. Cam talk about: How to help our teens prepare for the school year What executive functioning skills teens need to succeed How to help them establish healthy habits with minimal power struggles. FREE STUFF! Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens. If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Aug 26, 2021

Today I’m talking with Jake Rubin, Co-Founder of MamaZen Jake Y. Rubin, M.A, is a Board-Certified Hypnotherapist, a former university professor of psychology, and a recognized expert in hypnosis and hypnotherapy with degrees in Psychology from UCLA and the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University. He is also the co-founder of the #1 Mindful Parenting app, MamaZen which he created to empower moms all over the world to be CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER and raise happier kids! Jake and I are talking about: The importance of staying mindful and calm as a parent. How to use hypnotherapy to stay mindful and calm. How to use hypnotherapy to calm our teens. FREE STUFF! 30 days of free access to the MamaZen app (@mamazenapp). Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens . If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Aug 24, 2021

Today I’m talking with Personal Transformation Coach and author of the “Calling All Heroes” series, Christian de la Huerta. With 30 years of experience, Christian is a sought-after spiritual teacher and leading voice in the breathwork community. He has traveled the world offering inspiring and transformational retreats combining psychological and spiritual teachings with lasting and life-changing effects. An award-winning, critically acclaimed author, he has spoken at numerous universities and conferences and on the TEDx stage. His new book, Awakening the Soul of Power, was described by multiple Grammy Award–winner Gloria Estefan as “a balm for the soul of anyone searching for truth and answers to life’s difficult questions.” Christian and I are talking about: The difference between egoic power (control) and soulful power (guidance). How we can use our power to connect with our teens and avoid power struggles. How to use our power to communicate more effectively with our teens FREE STUFF! Get a free guided meditation, power practices, and a chapter from Christian’s book at https://soulfulpower.com/ . Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at askdrcam.com/motivateteens . If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!

Jul 23, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Men’s Coach, David Maxwell David coaches men on how to live a life with purpose and passion using his 4 A proprietary process. He’s spent the last 25 years helping young men and teenagers feel confident in who they are and the decisions they make. He has been speaking in front of small and large audiences for over 30 years and hosts “The Confident Man Podcast” on all major podcast platforms. He’s also a dad of two. David and Dr. Cam talk about: How to actively show up as a dad. How to apply our leadership skills to parenting. How to turn listening into a full-contact sport. David is offering a replay of his free webinar to the dads of my audience at www.theconfidentdad.me

Jul 23, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Jason Reid, Founder of Chooselife.org Jason is a serial Entrepreneur whose companies employ over 2500 people nationwide. He is also a partner at CEO Coaching International where he coaches 15 CEO's across the world. In March 2018, Jason's world changed forever when his youngest son Ryan took his own life. Jason is the Founder of Chooselife.org an organization focused on ending Teen Suicide by helping parents "Own their children's mental health." Jason and Dr. Cam talk about: What parents need to know about teen depression, anxiety, and suicide. What signs parents should look for. How parents can own their teen’s mental health. Tell My Story Film - http://www.tellmystoryfilm.com/ Choose Life non-profit - https://www.chooselife.org/ If you want to find more mental health help, I created a printable list of 30 hotlines and resources for families with teenagers. You can download it at https://www.askdrcam.com/free-resources .

Jul 22, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Career Strategist Tamara S. Raymond. Tamara (@TamaraSRaymond) is Founder and President of Innovative Management Consulting, Inc, which specializes in professional, career and leadership development, including guidance for teens in determining their career paths. She authored the award-winning book Careering: The Pocket Guide to Exploring Your Future Career. Her goal is to help teens step up and take charge of their future in an accountable and responsible way while still making it fun and engaging. She hopes to offer a sense of ease and purpose and build a positive perspective about their future career. Tamara and Dr. Cam talk about: Why career exploration is important and how it can help motivation and perseverance. When kids should start careering. How parents can help their kids start careering in a way that encourages them rather than stresses them out. If you want to learn more about how to help your teens succeed feel free to grab my Free Guide: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at askdrcam.com/motivateteens .

Jul 22, 2021

Tricia Robinson (@triciarobinsoncoaching) was once a successful director in corporate America. After 17 years of attempting to be a “have it all” mom with two young kids, her body and mind broke down. Tricia quit her job and spent over five years recovering from multiple injuries. Now, she’s a triathlete and a NYC marathon finisher with a dream of becoming an Ironman athlete. As a wellness coach, she helps stressed out businesswomen who are tired of running on empty to focus on self-care so that they gain back their energy, fit into their clothes, and feel empowered to fulfill their dreams. In this episode Dr. Cam and Tricia talk about: How a simple walk can help solve complex problems The power of taking little steps to accomplish big things The benefits of nature on our body, mind, and relationship with our teen Check out Tricia’s breathing technique to help you calm down. It's great in a high stress situation or when you want to get to sleep: https://youtu.be/SlV1D1SYhXA If you want to learn even more about how to strengthen your relationship with your teen, join me for my FREE 4-day Connect with Your Teen challenge July 12-15. You can sign up at https://drcam.ck.page/connectionchallenge . Finally, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Tricia shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. I encourage you to share it with a friend as well.

Jul 22, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with special education teacher Laura Orlando. Laura, who is also a mom, started her business Gracious Adventures to give moms creative ways to connect with their tween and teen daughters as well as tools and strategies to help build up their confidence. Laura and Dr. Cam discuss: Creative ways to connect with your teen. Her game-changing idea to deepen your relationship. Tips for building up your teen’s confidence. You can download Laura’s free PDF “10 ways to boost your daughter's confidence TODAY” at https://wp.me/a6uQfS-1xN . If you want to learn even more about how to set your teen up for success both at school and in life, feel free to download my gift to you: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens Finally, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Laura shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. I encourage you to share it with a friend as well.

Jun 28, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with counselor Desiree Panililio (@encouragingteens). Desiree’s passion is working with hesitant teens who are seeking and struggling with framing who they are and defining a clear vision of their future. She helps them take action and move forward with purpose. Desiree believes communication is the key to any relationship and that we can all use support as we navigate the teenage years. Desiree and Dr. Cam discuss: The impact overscheduling has on our teens and what to do about it. The importance of down time for you and your teen. How to connect with your teen even if they don’t seem to want to connect with you. Read Desiree’s article at https://www.encouragingteens.com/post/teenagers-and-parents-need-to-unplug If you want to learn even more about how to set your teen up for success both at school and in life, feel free to download my gift to you: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens Finally, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Desiree shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. I encourage you to share it with a friend as well.

Jun 28, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Emily Maze ( instagram.com/emilymaze.motherhood ) a Respectful parenting coach. Emily helps moms break the cycles of anger and overwhelm, establish routines, and get their kids to listen... without yelling. She developed the Aligned Motherhood Method to help moms provide holistic support in ALL the aspects of motherhood so that they can be the parent they want to be, heal from their pasts, find balance, and finally experience joy and ease in motherhood. In this episode Emily and Dr. Cam talk about What it means to be a respectful parent What you can do today to stop the cycle of yelling and fighting How to deepen your connection with your teen If you want to learn even more about how to set your teen up for success both at school and in life, feel free to download my gift to you: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens Finally, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Emily shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. I encourage you to share it with a friend as well.

Jun 27, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Advanced Certified Life Coach Diana Swillinger Diana helps women who have tried to do the right thing all their lives-be a good friend, a good mom, a good wife, go to church, volunteer, recycle-but they still feel stuck and miserable. She helps women stop sabotaging themselves from experiencing the joy, love, and contentment that they want so very much by managing their minds. In this episode Dr. Cam and Diana talk about: How to chill out and parent from a place of acceptance. The difference between being chill and complacent. How our own emotions and expectations impact how we show up for our teens. Diana is offering the free video course “How to Stop Worrying.” Sign up at: https://mailchi.mp/dianaswillinger.com/stop-worrying_video-course/ If you want to learn even more about how to set your teen up for success both at school and in life, feel free to download my free gift to you: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens Finally, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Diana shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. I encourage you to share it with a friend as well.

Jun 26, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with teen musician, Wim Tapley. At the age of 18, Wim is one of the most ambitious artists in the D.C. area. After growing up as a musician and songwriter, he honed his craft by playing live at all of the bars, restaurants, and small venues in his hometown of South Riding, VA, leading worship at his church, and producing his own music. Wim and Dr. Cam talk about: How to find your passion as a teen Following your dream against the odds The benefit of supporting our teen’s dreams How parents can support their teen’s dreams (even if they scare them!) Learn more about Wim and listen to his music at https://www.wimtapley.com .

Jun 23, 2021

Our teens LOVE their devices, but to us parents, they open up a scary world of bullies, creeps, and social distortion. How do we keep our kids safe AND allow them to explore and connect online? In today's episode, Dr. Cam talks with Online Safety Educator Fareedah Shaheed. Fareedah is the CEO and Founder of Sekuva, where she helps parents and caretakers protect their kids online. She has taught thousands of people online security & safety, has hosted lunch and learns, and has delivered keynotes on the subject. She is a Forbes 30 Under 30 honoree and is currently serving on the Forbes board for the Under 30 community. She has been named Cybersecurity Personality of the Year 2020. And her work has been featured in Cisco, NASA, FOX 25, FOX 46, FOX Carolina, The Grio, Yahoo!, AfroTech, TripWire, Infosecurity Magazine, Fareedah has a free guide on safer games for kids. If you’d like a copy go to https://my.community.com/fareedah and text the phrase: safe games. If you want to learn more from experts like Fareedah, join me Tuesday afternoons for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. It’s free! You can register at www.askdrcam.com/powerhour . Also, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Fareedah shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. As always, thank you for your support!

Jun 16, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with parenting expert and relationship coach, Aly Pain (@AlyPainStraightTalkFierceLove). Growing up, Aly was the smart, fun girl on the outside and a frantic, anxious mess on the inside. She spent years healing the pain of dysfunctional family relationships, including eating disorders and a suicide attempt, to break the cycle raising her own teen boys. Her passion is empowering parents to build healthy, respectful relationships with their teens without giving up or giving in, even if they've tried everything and are at their wits end. Aly and Dr. Cam get real about: Common mistakes parents make with their teens. Your teen’s biggest fear and what’s really stressing them out. How to course correct if you’re at your wit’s end."

Jun 16, 2021

In this episode, Dr Cam talks with pediatrician turned life coach, Dr. Lulu (@Askdoctorlulu). Dr. Lulu, who is also a mom, specializes in coaching parents of LGBTQ Kids. She helps them learn to accept, protect, nurture, and support their LGBTQ children so they can flourish and thrive without limitations or judgment. Dr. Lulu and Dr. Cam talk about: When children start to identify their sexual orientation and gender identity. How parents can support their teens as they explore their sexual orientation and gender identity. What parents can do to ensure their LGBTQ children thrive.

Jun 7, 2021

Today on Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam I’m joined by Cathy Murphy. Cathy is a Productivity & Healthy Living Coach. She helps caregivers create productive healthy living habits to achieve personal dreams, goals and aspirations while caring for loved ones. We’ll be talking about how to help our teens set goals and build respect through our own actions. If you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Cathy shared with us, please take a quick moment to comment, like, and share. This helps other parents like you find this show.

May 30, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Juan de Dios Garcia (@Garciadancer). Juan de Dios is a ballroom dance champion, entrepreneur, and couple’s coach. In order to show up as the parents our children need us to be we must make sure our relationship as a couple is healthy and that we’re parenting as a team. Only when we’re on the same page, focusing on the same values and priorities can provide consistent, clear guidance to our teens. Juan de Dios is going to provide some tips on how to do that. Dr. Cam and Juan de Dios discuss: The three relationships everybody has. What to do if you feel like you’re parenting in opposition with your spouse How couples can feel more connected and better support one another as parents. Juan de Dios is offering a Couples Love Challenge from May 24-29. Learn more at www.coupleslovechallenge.com If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts ready to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Brenna shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well. Have a peaceful, positive, CALM day.

May 30, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Brenna Stull (@coachmombook) the Brand Ambassador for "Coach Mom" Brenna is a renowned speaker, mentor, pastor’s wife and mother of seven children. She has been mentoring women for 25 years and has spoken to hundreds of Mom’s organizations on the local level as well as the MOPS International Convention. She is the brand ambassador of “Coach Mom” which she launched in 2007 and does professional coaching to moms internationally in her Coach Mom Tribe membership group. Stull is the author of "Coach Mom: 7 Strategies for Organizing Your Family into an All-Star Team" an international best-seller in eight categories in five countries. Dr. Cam and Brenna discuss: The most powerful way to connect with your teen How to prioritize what will help your teen thrive Tips for intentional public affirmations by the parent at key moments Brenna is also offering free copies of her book to the first 5 audience members that request it. Go to https://www.brenna-stull.com/contact If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts ready to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Brenna shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well. Have a peaceful, positive, CALM day.

May 24, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Deborah A Rosen and Lindsey Thoms the owners of The StudyPro. StudyPro (www.TheStudyPro.com) is an executive function and study skills center in McLean, VA. They work with students to help them better manage the “process” of school. This means helping students become better planners, time managers, initiators, organizers, and completers of work. Most students aren’t taught these skills, yet they are so deeply needed to be successful at school and throughout their careers. Dr. Cam talks with Debbie and Lindsey about: How parents can best support their teens with their schoolwork. The role executive functions (EF) play in student learning. What parents want to stop doing to avoid unnecessary stress. If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts ready to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Debbie and Lindsey shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well. Have a peaceful, positive, CALM day.

May 23, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Giselle Mascarenhas (@theinstaprofessor) a branding coach, mom, and soon to be grandma! Giselle, also known as the branding professor, has been on a mission to empower women since 2009. Her superpower is helping those of us unsure about social media find out footing and learn how to extract our magic to create a purpose-driven brand and share in a way that our core clients can feel relief knowing we exist. She is personally responsible for encouraging me to do this show!!! Her unique perspective and talents have been featured in Yahoo.Finance, Thrive Global, and Buzzfeed. Giselle teaches on a global scale, including the women’s organization Femcity and has courses, programs, and tips at https://library.boldinstatute.com . Dr. Cam and Giselle discuss: The power of listening without offering a teaching moment. The power of including your teens in important decisions. The importance of validating what your teens are feeling to build trust and empowering them to be free to express themselves. Connect with Giselle Mascarenhas Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts ready to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour . If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Giselle shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

May 20, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Aaron Wandtke, the Founder and President of Executive Staffing Solutions (ESS). Aaron also started Purpose and Wisdom Coaches , which is focused on entrepreneurs and leaders who want to impact their companies, teams, families, and communities. Most importantly, as a father of four daughters, Aaron wants to help us inspire our own daughters to be leaders and make their lives more purposeful. Dr. Cam and Aaron discuss: How addressing our limiting beliefs impacts our parenting skills. How to define our role as a parent. The importance of adjusting our parenting style for each child. Connect with Aaron Wandtke Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com/contact . If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register here . If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Aaron shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

May 14, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Scott Jennens from Resilient Youth Australia . Scott has taught for over 30 years, primarily with students experiencing social, emotional, and behavioral problems. For the past 3 years, Scott has been the Partnerships Manager for Resilient Youth Australia. Resilient Youth Australia has conducted wellbeing surveys in schools and captured the responses of nearly 400,000 young people. Scott believes that being Connected, Protected and Respected is the key to developing resilience in young people. Dr. Cam and Scott discuss: How to help our teens become more resilient. How to best support a teen struggling in school. Why it’s important teens feel Connected, Protected, and Respected. Scott is offering a free 69-page eBook ' 101 Resilience Building Ideas , packed with practical tips to help improve resilience at school and home. If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour . If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Scott shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

May 1, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Ross Szabo, Wellness Director at Geffen Academy at UCLA/CEO and CEO of the Human Power Project. As an award-winning pioneer of the youth mental health movement, Ross is actively changing the way communities learn about mental health. During his 8 years as Director of Outreach at the National Mental Health Awareness Campaign, he helped create the first youth mental health speakers’ bureau in the country and personally spoke to over one million people. He’s also the author of Behind Happy Faces; Taking Charge of Your Mental Health and A Kid’s Book About Anxiety . Ross and Dr. Cam discuss: How to talk about mental health with our teens How to normalize the concept of mental health with our teens The importance of knowing and sharing our family’s mental health history How to discern between depressed vs sad and anxious vs nervous. What to do if we’re concerned about our teen’s mental health. Connect with Ross Szabo Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible group of experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Ross shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

Apr 30, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Amy Harman, Therapist, Eating Disorder Specialist, and author of Perfectly Imperfect: Compassionate Strategies to Cultivate a Positive Body Image . Amy has been working as a therapist for over 15 years and has a specialty treating women and girls with eating disorders. She loves working with teens and their parents to help them navigate eating disorder recovery and frequently speaks on the topic of body image. Dr. Cam and Amy cover: Signs that our teen may have an eating disorder. What to do if we’re concerned with our teen’s weight or body image. How to help our teens develop a positive body image and healthy relationship with food. Amy is offering a free body image meditation to listeners. Connect with Amy Harman Website | Facebook Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com Want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama? Be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible group of experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Amy shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

Apr 29, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Dr. Jordan Shapiro, author, educator, researcher, and father of 4. Jordon is the author of the best-selling, critically acclaimed book The New Childhood and has a Tedx talk: Parenting for the Future - The New Childhood . He teaches in Temple University’s Intellectual Heritage Program, is a senior fellow for the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop, and nonresident fellow in the Center for Universal Education at the Brookings Institution. Today we're digging into his upcoming book, Father Figure: How to be a Feminist Dad , which offers a norm-shattering perspective on fatherhood, family, and gender essentialism. We discuss how important it is for parents to interrogate the family norms we take for granted--particularly around screens and gender. Jordan explains how we must recognize that our unconscious (and sometimes conscious) commitment to outdated narratives is betraying our own best intentions. Connect with Jordan Shapiro Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com . If you enjoyed this episode and all the mind-blowing ideas that Jordan shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

Apr 20, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Megan Suggitt, youth worker and founder of Beautiful Minds . Megan’s passion for starting Beautiful Minds was through her own personal experiences navigating the educational system with a Non-Verbal Learning Disability and feeling a sense of “‘otherness’. Beautiful Minds empowers youth to “see their ability” and move beyond the label. She wants to guide others out of their own darkness and illuminate a pathway of change. Dr. Cam and Megan talk about our common misconceptions about learning disabilities and how to bring out the best in a child with a non-verbal learning disability. If you're ready to supercharge your parenting even more, join me on Tuesday nights for my FREE webinar series: The Parenting Teens Power Hour. Every session I invite an expert like Megan to join me and deep dive into the issues that matter most to parents like you. Register for free HERE . Connect with Megan Suggitt Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Megan shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well.

Apr 16, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Richard Capriola, the author of “ The Addicted Child: A Parent's Guide to Adolescent Substance Abuse .” Richard was an adult and adolescent addictions counselor for over two decades. He recently retired from Menninger Clinic in Houston Texas and is now providing parents a roadmap on adolescent substance abuse through his award-winning book and its companion workbook. Richard and Dr. Cam talk about: Why some teenagers turn to drugs What parents can do to prevent drug use What warning signs to look out for. What to do if we suspect or know our teens are using drugs If you're ready to supercharge your parenting, join me Tuesdays evenings for my FREE webinar series Parenting Teens Power Hour. Every session I talk with experts like Richard to dig deep into the issues that matter most to parents like you. Click here to register for free. Connect with Richard Capriola Website | Facebook | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you find value in my interview with Richard, please rate and review to help other parents in need of help find it too. Thank you!

Apr 16, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with COLLEGE ADMISSIONS EXPERT and author of the international best-seller College Admissions Secrets , Dr. Gena Lester. She developed “U-Niquely-U,” a system which helps teens discover themselves and find the perfect fit and best match in the college selection process. Dr. Lester is also a mom, who helped her three children secure college scholarship offers totaling over $1.5 million combined. Dr. Lester and Dr. Cam talk about: 1) What changes in college admission COVID ushered in. 2) How to navigate these changes and standout in the process when activities were canceled. 3) What your teen can do to this semester to impact their college application. If you have a teen considering college, you're not going to want to miss this. Dr. Lester is also going to be my guest on the Parenting Teens Power Hour . If you haven't registered to be part of this FREE webinar series for parents, you can sign up here . Connect with Dr. Gena Lester Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Instagram | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com

Apr 7, 2021

In today's episode, Dr. Cam talks with Special Needs Family Strategist Annie Treml . Having grown up the eldest sibling to a person with disabilities, Annie, a former school psychologist, now helps parents navigate the complex sibling dynamic between typically-developing children and children with disabilities. Her shame-free no-nonsense approach ensures both feel equally loved and valued, while making sure everyone’s needs get met. Annie and Dr. Cam discuss how typically-developing teens in special needs families may appear fine, but often are highly conflicted internally and struggle with self-identity, self-advocacy, and connection. Annie teaches us how to spot the hidden signals that your typically-developing child needs support & resources. Connect with Annie Treml Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Facebook Group Connect with Dr. Cam at www.askdrcam.com Want more tips and strategies for parenting teens? Be sure to join Dr. Cam for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. Register for FREE at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour . If you found this episode helpful, please rate, review, and share the love with a friend.

Mar 30, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Restoration coach, Tricia Cooper . Tricia helps people rediscover and restore a life of worth, adventure, and purpose through mental discipline, emotional awareness, spiritual balance, and loving relationships. Tricia is also the mom of 7 (5 of her own and 2 bonus). Tricia and Dr. Cam talk about how to help our teens find and appreciate their unique talents, gifts, and purpose. Connect with Tricia Cooper: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam: https://linktr.ee/drcam If you found this episode with Tricia helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend. We appreciate the love!

Mar 30, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Rebecca Marcus, LCSW , a trauma-informed, integrative psychotherapist in the NYC area. Rebecca specializes in anxiety and relationships. She helps young adults, teens, and tweens to develop self-awareness and build effective coping skills to break free from anxiety and stress while accessing one’s own inner resilience, strength, and wisdom. In this episode, Rebecca and Dr. Cam cover: How to identify and recognize signs of anxiety in yourself and your teen. Tips to regulate your nervous the system to better manage anxiety. Connect with Rebecca Marcus: Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam: https://linktr.ee/drcam If you found this episode helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend that could benefit from it as well.

Mar 27, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam invites her teen daughter, Lexy, to join her to talk about how homeschooling is going so far. They started this new journey just 3 weeks ago after a lot of hard discussions, tears, and soul searching. Lexy, a high school freshman, speaks openly and honestly about why she wanted to leave the public school system and how she feels about homeschooling (and having her mom in charge of her education). If you and your teens are contemplating homeschooling or struggling with public school, you won't want to miss this episode. Connect with Dr. Cam (and Lexy) at www.askdrcam.com If you found this episode with Lexy helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend. We appreciate the love!

Mar 26, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Caleb Kidd Coy, a legacy consultant who loves helping others become epic legacy heroes to their family's and loved ones. As a husband, father, entrepreneur & mentor, he finds great joy in serving others. He encourages people to think independently, grow exponentially, transform internally & to succeed while overcoming adversity in all aspects of life. During this interview, Caleb shares his own personal journey growing up as a teen with strict parents, his near death experience due to a drug overdose, and his current challenges raising teens of his own. Caleb wants to offer a message of hope and let parents know that sometimes letting go can be the hardest part when it comes to teenagers. What is crucial is that we remain a consistent presence of love, affirmation, support and encouragement, even when we cannot physically be there for them. Connect with Caleb Kidd Coy Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter Caleb is also offering listeners a FREE Health Care Document set ($300 value). Contact Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you found this episode with Caleb insightful, please share the love: rate, review, and share with a friend. Thanks!

Mar 24, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Sheila Doerfler (@SheilaDoerfler), founder of Luminescent Being about PSYCH-K® and how it can help our mindset as a parent. Sheila has over 30 years of healing experience in a variety of modalities helping people heal trauma & rewrite subconscious programs to find more freedom & wholeness. An avid traveler, Sheila has moved overseas several times & currently lives near Melbourne, Australia with her family. In this episode we talk about how our own behavior (aka modeling) impacts our teen’s beliefs and coping skills. If we model blame, anger, overwhelm & impatience, we pass those habitual behaviors onto them. Connect with Sheila Doerfler Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you found value in my conversation with Sheila, please rate and review so other parents can find this episode too! Thank you.

Mar 23, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks to Jessica Scott (@jessscottcoaching), a relationship coach for Alpha Women about empowering our teen daughters. As a former single mother, she realized much of her journey both in parenting in her own work and personal life was about growing herself up and learning to re-parent herself. She is passionate about giving women the tools that are lacking in society so women can truly thrive in being who they’re here to be. Jessica and Dr. Cam talk about: How to help our children identify their needs, so they can grow into adults with boundaries. How to not *just* encourage our daughters to be strong, which can come at a cost later. Connect with Jessica Scott Website | Facebook | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you found this episode with Jessica helpful, please rate and review so other parents that have teen daughters can find this episode as well. They’ll thank you for it.

Mar 21, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Dr. Nanyamka Redmond, an applied developmental research scientist who specializes in positive youth development of adolescents. Dr. Redmond's research and practice focus on the impact of supportive relationships on character development, performance, and wellbeing particularly in young athletes. Dr. Redmond and Dr. Cam talk about • The secret to being a supportive parent. • Why being curious about your teen’s life is so important. • How the desire to learn from them is just as important as (if not MORE important than) teaching them. Connect with Dr. Redmond Website | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam at www.askdrcam.com If you found these insights and tips helpful, please rate and review so other parents can find this episode as well. Thank you!

Mar 20, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Todd Avery (@SafeDrivingCoach), Delaware Valley's Favorite Driving Instructor. Well recognized in the Philadelphia region as an obsessed car enthusiast and a highly personable and dedicated driving instructor, Todd is focused on ensuring a pleasant experience and promoting driver and passenger safety. For the past 15 years, he has coached hundreds of drivers. In addition to teaching new drivers the "rules of the road," Todd is an experienced classroom and race track coach for performance drivers. Teaching and coaching all ages of drivers is Todd's passion. Todd's philosophy is quite simple: “I want the safest, most responsible, most attentive drivers on the road." If you found Todd’s driving advice helpful, please like, comment, and share with friends and family that have new drivers in the home. Connect with Todd Avery: Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | YouTube Connect with Dr. Cam at www.askdrcam.com If you found these tips helpful, please take a moment to rate and review so other parents can find this advice as well. Thank you!

Mar 11, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Keisha Montfleury (@confidentkeisha), a confidence coach for girls. With 16 years of successful experience and a strong commitment to serving disadvantaged youth and adults, Keisha has made it her life’s mission to plant the seeds of encouragement into our youth so they are equipped to make wise, sound decisions. Keisha is so passionate about serving our youth that she started her own company called HandiWork LLC , whose purpose is to specifically designed to provide resources for our girls that supports them in having a HEALTHY CONFIDENCE so they will not give into negative behavior. Dr. Cam and Keisha talk about 5 keys to a HEALTHY CONFIDENCE. How to care for the social emotional development of the WHOLE teen. Practical tools and tips to support your teen’s confidence. Keisha has a free eBook you can download: Becoming Confident Tip & Tricks If you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Keisha shared with us, please take a quick moment to follow, rate, and comment. Feel free spread the love and share it with a friend too! Connect with Keisha Montfleury: Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Don't forget to grab Dr. Cam's FREE guide: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens

Mar 10, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Heather Glenn, founder of Aligned Ambition and a self-proclaimed HR mom. Heather spent much of her adult life struggling to choose and pursue a meaningful career. After finding clarity, an immense desire to share her knowledge and research grew into helping others by aligning their personality, interests, and values with meaningful careers. Dr. Cam and Heather talk about: How we can help support our teen’s dreams by helping them uncover their strengths, aptitudes, values, and interests How to help our teens prepare for the future by giving them ownership of their learning and growth A career choice has to be owned by the person making the choice (aka our teen!) Heather offers a free class for teens called “ What Nobody Told Me About College ” If you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Heather shared with us, please take a moment to rate, review, and share with a friend. Connect with Heather Glenn: Facebook | Instagram | YouTube Don't forget to grab Dr. Cam's FREE guide: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens

Mar 9, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Lesa Forrest, a Certified Family and Life Coach who is passionate about helping others build relationships, marriages, and harmonized families. Lesa is a devoted wife of 27 years, mother of six and a grandma of twelve. Over the last few years, she has used her incredible marital experience and life teachings to help blended families successfully restructure their lives by setting boundaries, establishing realistic expectations and improving their communication. She founded First Step Family LLC, platform designed to help blended families rise above the societal stigmas and build awesome lives for themselves. Lesa and Dr. Cam talk about: How to create more harmony in blended families How to engage our teens by asking them for their input and feelings. How to teach our teens to be thinkers and problem solvers. Connect with Lesa Forrest Website | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube Download Dr. Cam's free guide: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens If you found these tips helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend!

Feb 23, 2021

In June of 2019, Judy Thureson experienced the tragic loss of her eighteen-year-old son, Jacob (aka Hella Sketchy ) to an opioid overdose. In her #1 Bestselling book, Beautiful Tragedy , she chronicles her harrowing experience and introduces the GIVE Principle. Through her growth and transformation coaching, Judy helps people navigate grief, loss, and uncertainty by applying mindfulness and meditation techniques. In this episode Judy and Dr. Cam talk about: What grief is and how it shows up. How to navigate grief? How to help our teens through their own grief. You can purchase a signed copy of her book here . Connect with Judy: Website | Facebook | Instagram If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me on Tuesday evenings for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have a bunch of amazing experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets with you—and it’s free. You can register at AskDrCam.com/powerhour. Also, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Leigh shared with us, please rate, review, and share with a friend!

Feb 22, 2021

In this episode Dr. Cam is joined by Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, Leigh Schoener, who has always had a deep innate passion for natural health and wellness for the mind and body. She has blended this passion with her professional knowledge of psychology, early childhood education, holistic health practices and most importantly, her experience of being a mom for 18 years to two teenage daughters. Leigh works with families, teens and children to implement proactive and integrative approaches for those who have learning, social-emotional, behavioral and /or physical health challenges or simply desire better wellness for their family. Leigh and Dr. Cam talk about + Lifestyle and holistic methods that can help a teen who is suffering to manage emotional, learning, behavioral and physical health challenges. + The importance of teaching our teens coping methods for stress as soon as possible. + How the gut-brain connection impacts our overall mind and body health. For all of Dr. Cam's Guests, Leigh is offering a Buy 6 Weekly Session Package, Get 1 Session Free! Anyone interested in setting up a complimentary Wellness Discovery Session can fill out this form. Sign up here . Connect with Leigh Schoener Website | Facebook | Instagram If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me on Tuesday evenings for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have a bunch of amazing experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets with you—and it’s free. You can register at AskDrCam.com/powerhour . Also, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Leigh shared with us, please rate, review, and share with a friend!

Feb 16, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Kamladevi Sharma, an international speaker on work-life balance. . Sharma has been featured on several podcasts and magazines internationally and, she is passionate about growth mindset coaching for the working parent and teen. As a certified professional life coach and a qualified business consultant, Sharma also helps entrepreneurs and people in management to eliminate burnout and achieve balance in their personal and professional lives. In this episode we talk about: 1. How parents can create who they want to be in the roles they play by guiding their subconscious behaviors and reactions. 2. How relationships with our teens can improve by bringing peace to the ego and opening the channel of communication. This includes seeing our teen as an individual we are programming for young adulthood. 3. How making balance a priority helps to bring fulfilment in both our personal and professional life. Sharma is also offering a free Wheel of Life download to all listeners. Download here . Connect with Kamladevi Sharma Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | YouTube Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Feb 11, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by the founder of DreamWell Coaching , Vanita O'Neal. We're talking about how to help our kids with feeling socially isolated and alone. Vanita teaches parents and children how to manage problematic behavior. She has been studying human behavior as a licensed social worker and life coach. Her company, DreamWell, was birthed in 2011 out of a stressful time in her life when her plate was overflowing and she needed to make a change or risk her own mental health decline. She identified her biggest stressors and put to work everything she knew to improve her life and the lives of the parents and children she worked with. She also recognized that God was at the center of her transformation and wants to share it with other people. Connect with Vanita O'Neal Website | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Feb 11, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks to Beth Swiger, founder of SHAPE Your Family , about how to cultivate more joy in our family--something we can never have enough of. But let's be real... Many of us fall into habits of taking each other for granted. We can get so focused on the daily irritations that we forget why we even liked each other in the first place— especially when we’ve been quarantined together for MONTHS! Beth provides solutions for getting past the irritation learn to appreciate and honor our loved ones again. Want to learn more strategies for connecting with your teen? Join us Tuesday nights at 7PM for the PARENTING TEENS POWER HOUR . Connect with Beth Swiger Website | Facebook | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Feb 3, 2021

Wendy Kowallis has helped thousands of people, just like you find more meaning in their relationships, find relief from pain, and live a more fulfilled life. Fun fact: Wendy is the 10th of 11 children! In this episode Dr. Cam and Wendy discuss: 1. How your touch is more powerful than you realize, especially if that is your child's love language. 2. How you can make an impact on your children starting right now. 3. The fact that your kids WANT to connect with you, they just don't know how. Connect with Wendy on Facebook | YouTube Grab you free copy of Dr. Cam's 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens

Feb 2, 2021

In this episode ShaRon Rea, a Certified Family Communication and Relationships Coach, shares a wealth of solutions to help address the challenges we face raising teens. We also dig into navigating the complexities of co-parenting after divorce. ShaRon also founded the global movement No Judgment. Just Love.® inviting people to “Choose to move beyond judgments that divide to consciously lead with LOVE in your thoughts, words and actions. If you need some encouragement in your parenting journey, you'll appreciate what ShaRon has to say.

Jan 19, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Wim Tapley and his mom Cherry to talk about supporting our teen's “outlandish” dreams and how it strengthens motivation, resilience, and strong family connection. At the age of 18, Wim is one of the most ambitious artists in the D.C. area. After growing up as a musician and songwriter, he honed his craft by playing live at all of the bars, restaurants, and small venues in his hometown of South Riding, VA, leading worship at his church, and producing his own music. After the coronavirus stifled his plans to pursue music as a street performer in Dublin, Ireland, Wim graduated high school early in order to record his first full-length LP while under quarantine. Wim's debut album "The Woodlands" is available now. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.askdrcam.com. Music clip: Peace Of Mind by Wim Tapley (https://music.apple.com/us/album/i-ep/1431072322)

Jan 15, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks to Rish Mitra, founder of the Dads And Deadlifts Foundation. Rish and Dr. Cam talk about: How to connect with teens as a father How to overcome society's stereotypes and expectations to allow our children to be their true selves. How to overcome our own mindset and fixed beliefs about what it means to be a man. Rish's life’s mission is to serve boys, men, and fathers. This is why I launched the podcast known as “Dads And Deadlifts”. Through his non-profit foundation and podcast, he wants to create a safe platform for MEN and WOMEN to express themselves without being judged or shamed. Allowing for a healthy community to embrace authentic self and self-discovery. Connect with Rish Mitra on social: @Dads And Deadlifts Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Jan 7, 2021

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, Dr. Cam is joined by Virginia Prodan, an International Human Rights Attorney, author, and Victory Consultant. As a young attorney in Romania - under Nicolae Ceausescu’s brutal communist regime - Virginia had defended human and religious rights cases. For this act of treason, she was kidnapped, beaten, tortured, placed under house arrest, and came within seconds of being executed under the orders of Ceausescu himself - who sent an assassin to kill her. Virginia had literally faced her assassin and has lived to tell about it in her memoir Saving My Assassin. She is passionate about mentoring others to stand up to their giants and live a life of significance. Exiled from Romania since 1988, Virginia rebuilt her life in America and reared 3 successful children. Virginia has been featured prominently in many national and international televisions and radios. She is also passionate about mentoring professionals including parents to be better leaders. Listen in this morning to hear her tell her harrowing story and share wisdom from her experience to help us as parents overcome obstacles both in life and with our teens. Connect with Virginia Prodan Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Jan 5, 2021

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Hallie Steinberg, a certified health coach and special ed teacher with a degree in biology. Dr. Cam and Hallie talk about the 4 pillars of health (LEAN) and how to help teens live a healthy life through independence and collaboration. Hallie Steinberg, a Certified Health Coach with Hallie's Healthy Living, inspires healthy living through simple changes. She provides individual and group sessions, Wellness Workshops and Health Presentations focusing on the four pillars of health: Lifestyle, Exercise, Attitude and Nutrition. She works with Parents and Children, Pregnant/Nursing Mothers and Prime Timers (adults preparing, entering or enjoying their mature years). Hallie has a degree in Biology from the University of Pennsylvania, a Masters in Education at NYU and a Masters in Special Education at Hunter University. She taught for eight years in various fields of Special Education, predominantly with Elementary students with language-based Learning Disabilities. As a Health Coach, she has participated in International Health Summits, Podcasts, Health Panels and Wellness Workshops to inspire healthy living. Hallie provides education and coaching in a fun and interactive way, focusing on the unique health journey and experiences of each person. Connect with Hallie Steinberg Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 31, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by her awesome niece and quintessential gen Zer, Madi. They cover how this generation is navigating "adulting" and growing up with social media. Madi also shares her coming out story, explains what non-binary is, discusses the impact of being queer in a heteronormative society, and gives parents some tips for helping teens who are questioning their sexuality. Connect with Madi MadiMadeDis Etsy Shop | Instagram | TikTok Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 30, 2020

What do you do when you have a clear vision of what your teen needs to succeed (the school, the degree, the job...), but your teen isn't buying into it? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Christa Downey, Cornell Engineering Career Center Director and private executive coach. After 20 years working with Cornell students, Christa has a considerable amount of insight into what young adults need to be successful at school and in the job market. It may not be what you think... Listen to her interview to find out what she's learned and get tips to help you set your teen up for the future. Connect with Christa Downey LinkedIn | Life Skills: Career Conversations to Have at Home Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 29, 2020

I have been doing a long of internal reflection lately (mostly in the middle of the night) and made a harsh realization I want to share with you---in case you're having the same concerns. If you're feeling scattered, overwhelmed, stressed, and guilty I encourage you to take a listen. It's only 8-minutes, so you can do it while you get ready in the morning. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 29, 2020

If you're like me, you get frustrated when your picture-perfect plans get derailed--and it happens a lot when we have teens. Here's a quick tip on how to handle it.

Dec 29, 2020

Sometimes we can be pretty quick to judge and make accusations. Next time you get annoyed or frustrated about something your teen has done or said ask yourself, "Am I giving them the benefit of the doubt or am I doubting them?" Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 29, 2020

As much as we'd like to protect our teens from the hurt and pain in the world, it can't be avoided. When tough topics come up, here are some tips for handling them with grace. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 29, 2020

Why do our attempts to stop our teens' disrespectful behavior or manage their anxiety often backfire? Here's a common mistake I see parents make and what to do instead. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 29, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks about teaching our kids, especially our daughters, to speak up when they feel mistreated, unheard, or uncomfortable. As a mom of a teen daughter, she knows how important it is for them to feel empowered and have a voice. In this episode, Dr. Cam shares her own personal story and provides three ways to encourage our girls to advocate for themselves. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 28, 2020

Distance learning is really challenging for our kids (and us)! How do we help them succeed when they don't even want to log on? Dr. Cam has some tips for teaching our teens how to persevere when times are tough and the future unclear. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 26, 2020

You've tried everything, but nothing seems to work. You feel like you're at your wit's end with the attitude and emotional outbursts. You don't know how else to help your teen with their anxiety and struggle with self-confidence. Your main goal right now is to just get through this without too much damage. I hear you. Let's talk about it! Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 23, 2020

Motivation continues to be a huge struggle for parents and teens these days. It's also the cause of endless power struggles, fights, resentment, and anger. But what should you do instead? Today I want to shift your focus from guiding your teen to be practical to helping them dream BIG. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 22, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin, the president and CEO of Parents Anonymous. Dr. Pion-Berlin is a renowned expert in strengthening families and communities all around the world. She has appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show, and CNN News. Dr. Lisa and Dr. Cam talk about how to promote our teens' positive social and emotional growth including: · Setting realistic expectations for children · Identifying and reducing daily parenting stresses · How to effectively advocate for your child’s needs Learn more about Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin and Parents Anonymous at https://parentsanonymous.org/ Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 21, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Helen Odessky, Psy. D ., a licensed clinical psychologist, coach, speaker, and author of the bestselling books “ Stop Anxiety from Stopping You ” and “ Stop Fear from Stopping You ”. Her advice has been featured in numerous national and international media outlets. In this interview, Dr. Helen shares how... A lot of parenting issues can be solved by managing your own anxiety. A lot of this anxiety starts with "what if" Our own fears can sometimes be projected onto our kids and amplified. Connect with Dr. Helen Odessky Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | Website Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 19, 2020

Everything we hear leads us to believe that the teen years are going to be difficult. We brace ourselves. We commiserate with other parents. We hold our breath and pray for it to be over soon. But what if I told you, it doesn't have to be this way? Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 18, 2020

Why do we worry so much about what other people think? I've got some thoughts. I hope you like them...what if you don't...oh, man, should I share these? What if you think they're silly… Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 17, 2020

In this episode, weight-loss wizard Alex Tomaszewska and Dr. Cam discuss how to talk to our teens about weight--a subject riddled with landmines. Alex was a successful IT engineer and manager for 12 years but when she got depressed she took a shot at losing weight using her mind - and succeeded on the first try. She fell head over heels in love with the process, enhanced it, and now takes clients all over the world on transformational journeys where weight loss feels almost like a side effect. Connect with Alex Tomaszewska www.ImDoneWithDiets.com | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 16, 2020

So many of our power struggles with our teens are due to locus of control. In this episode, Dr. Cam shares some tips on how to minimize the fights without nagging, yelling, or losing your mind. Book reference: " Hurt 2.0." by Chap Clark Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 15, 2020

What seems obvious to us may not even occur to our teens. Next time your teen doesn't live up to your expectations ask, "was I crystal clear or is it possible I set them up for failure?" Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 15, 2020

Dr. Cam is joined by Debi Ronca, the Founder and CEO of Sequoia Coaching. Debi’s best-selling book, The Family Letter, is having a powerful impact on families all over the world. Her desire and dream are to have her book create a global movement, creating a profound and transformational impact on the family unit. Some highlights from this episode: • Everyone has a longing to be known, loved, valued, and celebrated, and this is not just for adults, it is for teens as well. • Your teen has a desire to be heard, and in this time of establishing who they are, or their identity, they need a safe place to share what they are processing. • Unconditional love goes a long way. They will remember that they are loved, and so trust will be developed. Debi has also generously offered to give her transformative book to listeners for FREE (all you have to pay is the shipping). If you're interested, send her a message through her Facebook account: @authordebironca . Connect with Debi Ronca www.debironca.com | Facebook | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 14, 2020

As tempted as we are to direct and correct our teenagers, learning to gently guide them is far more effective in the long run. Dr. Cam shares a story about saving a baby turtle and what it taught her about keeping our teens safe. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 14, 2020

In this episode, Carol Smallwood, a certified transformational health & life coach and founder of CGS Health Coach Connected Community joins Dr. Cam to create healthy habits and help our teens do it too. As we go into the holiday season and new year, it's a perfect time to get our mojo, motivation, and confidence back! Carol is going to tell us how. Connect with Carol Smallwood www.cgshealthcoach.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 13, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by her sister Courtney to talk about growing up together and the dynamics of older and younger sisters. They may be best friends now, but they had a few obstacles to get here. Parents, hopefully, this will give you some insight into how to help your kiddos get along better NOW and set them up for friendship later. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 13, 2020

Teens don't listen to what we SAY, they watch what we DO. If your teen is behaving in a way that drives you nuts, you may want to take a close look at your own actions--chances are they are learning those behaviors from you! Dr. Cam shares an example from a recent experience with her own teen daughter.

Dec 12, 2020

Lately, we hear a lot of people have been complaining--in person, on social media, everywhere. I get it! This pandemic is frustrating, scary, and wearing us thin. But at some point, we need to stop the whining and take some action. In today's episode, Dr. Cam shares how she's helped herself and her teen daughter turn their b*tching into DOING. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 12, 2020

Mom! Stop nagging me!" How many times have you heard that? Here's my theory on how to remind without being accused of nagging. It's just a theory--but so far it's been working for me. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 11, 2020

This is the last episode of my 30-day Facebook Live Challenge. I did it! Now I'd like to share how you can use a monthly, weekly, even daily challenge to motivate your entire family (yes, even your teenager!) and have fun doing it. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 10, 2020

Ever worry about your teen drinking alcohol, using drugs, or vaping? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Sam Anthony, a professional speaker, lifestyle coach, and personal trainer in long term recovery from substance use disorder, who uses his personal experiences with drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, suicidal behavior, recovery, mental fitness, spiritual fitness, and physical fitness to educate and motivate both adults and teenagers. Sam and Dr. Cam discuss why teens turn to substance use and what parents can do to prevent it OR address it when it happens. Connect with Sam Anthony www.samanthonyspeaks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | YouTube | LinkedIn Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 9, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by her teen daughter, Lexy, to do some back-to-school problem solving together. If you and your teen are stressed out about how to handle school during the pandemic, this episode is a must-see! Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 8, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Angel Baney, a Certified IOS B.A.N.K Coach and Founder of Hear My Voice Now. Angel and her daughter had difficulty communicating, which led to heated arguments, slamming doors, and meltdowns in their household. She was worried that she was stressing her daughter out by always overreacting. She spent thousands on parenting and communication courses. Angel found the answer in an easy, scientifically proven method that helps parents communicate effectively with their children. Arguments and meltdowns disappeared peace and joy reigned in their household. Angel shares this method with Dr. Cam and also offers a free assessment to you. Connect with Angel Free Assessment | Facebook | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 4, 2020

Do you know what a bayang is? How about a thirst trap or darty? Test yourself as my niece quizzes me and my sister on our teen slang savvy (hint: we don't do so well.) Bonus if you can count the number of times I say the word, "cool." Want a cheat sheet of the 14 teen slang terms we cover? Grab the cheat sheet here . Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Dec 1, 2020

Heather Fruzzetti, a Holistic Health Coach and founder of www.stronger-longer.com talks to Dr. Cam about: 😌 How to manage our stress. Heather teaches us a powerful calming technique that we can use and teach our teens to use. 🛀 Why self-care is important and how to fit it into our busy schedules 🛡️ Coping skills and self-care ideas to help manage everyday stressors Bio As a busy mother of three, Heather became a Holistic Health Coach to fulfill her passion for helping busy parents improve their health, happiness, and family life. Heather specializes in nutrition and self-care to support immune system health, and in her spare time enjoys spending time with her family and friends, running, gardening, practicing yoga, and writing. Heather received her training from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, where she received in-depth training in nutrition, health and wellness, and coaching skills, and earned her BA from the University of Virginia, and MBA from the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business. Connect with Heather Fruzzetti Facebook: Strongerlongerhealth Instagram: @stronger.longer LinkedIn: Heather Fruzzetti Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 30, 2020

Having the same concerns, fights, frustrations with your tween or teen? Feel like you're in a rut? There's a reason we call it that--it's tough to get out of. In this episode, Dr. Cam provides insight into why we and our teens get stuck repeating the same undesirable behaviors and how to put a stop to them. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 28, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Ofosu Jones-Quartey, a meditation teacher and musician from Washington DC. In this episode, Ofosu and Dr. Cam talk about: 🛌🏾The benefits of making your bed in the morning (it really is powerful!) 🤫 Quieting our inner critic and creating our inner cheerleader 🧘🏼‍♀‍ Modeling a positive mindset for our teens Bio Ofosu Jones-Quartey is a meditation teacher and musician from the Washington DC area. He has been teaching mindfulness meditation since 2008, working with such organizations as Minds, Incorporated, the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, Spirit Rock, and the Insight Meditation Society (IMS). An accomplished musician, Ofosu also performs both domestically and internationally as a Hip Hop and Electronic Music artist. He recently wrote a book for families called “You Are Enough”. Ofosu is also a voice-over talent, having lent his voice to programs on Sesame Studios as well as is voicing Stanley the Snail on the Sprout Network's cartoon "Ollie and Moon". He is the “male voice” on the new mindfulness app Balance. Ofosu currently lives in the Washington, DC area with his wife Ayanna and their four children, Sundara, Samadhi, Sati, and Siddhattha. Ofosu's upcoming parenting self-care class is Dec. 1 and 8, 2020. Learn more here . Connect with Ofosu Jones-Quartey Facebook | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 27, 2020

I've had it! We can get so frustrated dealing with our teens that we just want to throw our arms up in the air and give up. They're resilient, they'll figure it out. Clearly, they don't want my help anyway, so why I'm I busting my butt trying? If this sounds familiar, tune in to today's episode! Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 26, 2020

What the heck do we have to do to motivate our teens? Do you feel like all they want to do is sleep and drool over their devices? I feel you!! In this episode, we talk MOTIVATION! Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 25, 2020

Yes! It can be done! Do you ever feel like life is coming at you? Like you’re playing a perpetual game of whack a mole? Something comes up over here and you whack it down. Something comes up over there and you whack that down too. Before you know it days, weeks, and sometimes years slip by in an overwhelming blur. Tracy Nolin Beerman has been there too. Using her unique combination of experiences as a former teacher, certified Life Mastery Consultant, and over 25 years on the yoga mat she helps busy moms regain control of their lives and get their joy back. Join us as we talk about: 1. Why a life vision is key in parenting. Decide what you want in your life and with your relationship with your teens. 2. Aligning your thoughts and your energy with what you want. Your teen is receptive to your energy. 3. Being the parent you wish to become now, in your everyday life. Connect with Tracy Nolin Beerman www.onefootup.com | Facebook | Instagram Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Nov 24, 2020

Today I talked with Elle Ingalls, founder of Pressure-Free Living and author of Pressure-Free Parenting: The 10-Second Solution to Reduce Stress and Anxiety for High-Achieving Families. During our interview, Elle shared some simple tips to stop anxiety in its tracks. I don't know about you, but I certainly could use a 10-second solution for stress! BIO Elle Ingalls is an international speaker, coach, author, and founder of Pressure-Free Living . She helps people improve their health and performance with her on-the-go stress management method. A former member of the Forbes Coaches Council, she has created a series of online courses and has coached thousands of people from age 10 to 80 around the globe. Connect with Elle: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this podcast helpful, please LIKE and WRITE A REVIEW. Thanks!

Nov 23, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Jamie Edelbrock, author of Tangled Up. Tangled up (@TangledUpBook on Facebook and Instagram ) is a children's book that can be used as a starting point on your child's mental health journey (and your own!). In this beautiful story, she weaves in the message that we all feel tangled up at times and that's okay. It's also okay to get help. If you found this podcast helpful, please LIKE and WRITE A REVIEW. Thanks! Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com . EPISODE TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam: Hey, I'm Dr. Cam. And I'm super excited because, other than my daughter, I have my first guest on my show. Jamie Edelbrock is here. She’s married to her high school sweetheart. They have three daughters, and she's worn many hats. You have been a homeschool mom. Right there. I'm blown away because I don't know how you do that. A preschool director, a family ministry director, and you rocked it. And now you are an author? Yes. That's crazy. It was almost a year ago today. We were sitting on your front porch, drinking tea. And your whole world had just blown up! So, take us there. And then, a year later, you are an actual author with a publisher going into bookstores worldwide. Jamie Edelbrock: Like what I know it's crazy. And I say Oh, it's only God. Because a year ago, we were drinking tea and crying on my front porch. DC: That's true. We were doing that. JE: In such a short amount of time. I had lost a church family, a job, my husband was deployed. I had nothing, literally nothing. That's what I felt like my whole world was flipped upside down. I knew everything was happening for a reason. But I had nothing. And at that same time, my kids were struggling, they can tell you know, the world had been our little world had been flipped upside down. And here we were, Mom and three daughters because you know, Eric was away, trying to figure it all out. And it was painful to watch my kids struggle. But also me. I use the word tangled up because that's one way I can describe it is your mind is a mess. Your hearts a mess. Like it's all just jumbled up, untangle this and knots. And I was literally sitting in a gymnastics class with one of my daughters and knowing that another one was struggling really, really, really bad. With school, with dad being away, with friendships, all of that. And I wanted to tell her like it's going to be okay, you need to see a counselor, a therapist. She didn't want to go. So, I poured my heart out in a letter to her in gymnastics class. I was just writing, writing, writing, writing, writing. And when it was finished, I could literally vision pictures. And I thought this has to be a book. I took it to a couple of friends. I went to one of my dear friend’s house and said, “Hey, listen to this.” And swallowed some pride and thought, “Well, I'm probably going to fail. But I'm just going to push this out to publishers.” And sure enough, a couple of them grabbed it. And I went with Mascot books (https://mascotbooks.com/). And the rest is history. It's only God. Now a year later with illustrator, publisher, marketing director, all of that. Here we are. Dr. Cam: It is absolutely amazing. And I remember talking about it and you sent me the manuscript and reading it and going, “Oh my God, this is absolutely beautiful.” The whole way you described tangled up in this description is so incredible. But who knew a year later? Tell us a little bit about what the book is about and the purpose of the book because I think that's a big piece of it. JE: Yeah, so it's a children's book. It talks about how kids get tangled up. Obviously, adults get tangled up too. But this is directed at kids to let them know, hey, things get you tangled up, whether it's big things or little things, whether it's daddy being deployed, moving, bullies, struggling with school, a death in the family, someone's sick, well, heaven sakes, COVID now. All of this, anything to get us tangled up. In the book, I describe how we are made from these beautiful threads. And we're made to do beautiful things, bright, sparkly threads of us. And when things happen in our life with big things, little things, we get tangled up in knots. And sometimes moms and dads, sisters, brothers can't help. Sometimes friends can’t even help. And that's where counselors and therapists come in. In the book, I call them professional detanglers because that's what they are. Love that. In the book, they take the beautiful threads of us that have been tangled up, and they can detangle them, they know how to make us flowing and brilliant and bright again. And one little idea that you had Cam when I brought this to you because I trust you and I love your wisdom and you are one of those amazing professional detanglers. DC: I'm going to take that title by the way. Teen Detangler JE: You had the idea of putting in animals. And so, throughout the book, there are these kittens that get tangled up in yarn, and one's trying to help. And by the end of the book, they're not tangled up anymore. But I love that idea that you put in there, that was so great. DC: I love that. I just want to say as an adult, that book is helpful. And right now, so many people are feeling tangled up. The kids are feeling it. Teens are feeling it. Adults are feeling it. And I feel like this book, it's written for kids, but it has a message that is really, really important for all of us. And it is said in a way that is so beautiful. You’re touching on a topic that is so difficult, and it's difficult for us as parents to bring up to our kids. Because I think there's a stigma to seeking help. It means you're broken. Seeking help means something's wrong with you. And that's not the case in this book. So clearly it shows that it has nothing to do with you being broken. You just need to be detangled. JE: We all get there. We are all in some way have been, or will be, or are tangled up. And it is hard to make that first call. It's hard. Like that's a big deal. When you make the call, like, hey, my family needs help, or I need help, you're admitting something is wrong. People need to know there's something wrong with everybody. To make that first call is so important. But I've had adult friends that have said, “I've read this book, and this has helped me to realize it's okay to reach out for help.” I mean, the saying is it takes a village .100%. I do not know where I would be without our counselors or therapists. I mean, in their school and church and outside of that as well. And if there's any message, it’s to reach out for help, become untangled. We are made for beautiful things, amazing things. And it's so hard to do that when we're stuck. And when we're tangled up. It's so hard. DC: I love that. It just occurred to me too, when your necklaces and stuff get tangled up, you can sit there and try to work it out and it gets more and more and more tangled. The easiest way to fix it is to be really loose with it and just let it fall out. It's like you just have to breathe, give yourself space. Instead of constantly trying to fix, fix, fix, and getting somebody to help you do that. It's all about just breathing and taking some time, just letting those fallout. So, tell us now because I love your current story. Do you mind telling us a little bit about your move to Indonesia? JE: It’s so funny that this book is coming out. I'm feeling a little bit tangled up right now. Stuck just because we are moving to Indonesia, which we're so excited about. But we were supposed to move on October 1, and things just keep getting delayed. So, we are literally sitting in this half-empty house, already said goodbyes, kind of stuck in the middle. We have a house, job interviews lined up. We had all these things at the girls’ school, and now we are waiting and sitting here stuck. And it's literally out of our control. We have to trust God with it. But yeah, we are feeling stuck. And the only thing I can do is one, we're together as a family, which is amazing. But when I do feel stuck is to talk about it. Like it's living examples. You practice what you preach. Here you are. How are we going to handle this? We’re excited to get there. And I know that it's all in perfect timing and God's timing when we end up there, which is supposed to be in the next couple of weeks. So yeah, fingers crossed, and I'm going to get there. DC: I love how you've also taken the steps that you can. I think a lot of people can relate just to COVID. Because I think most of us do feel like we're just stuck right in our houses and not able to go anywhere, yours is even more literal. So, you could just stay there and literally just sit in the middle of an empty room and cry and say this sucks. And yet, you're telling me all these things that you're doing. The mindset that you've had is looking for the pros to this. Your kids are now taking school there. So, they're adjusting to the new hours, they're meeting friends already. By the time they get there, they've already taken a big step and they don't have all the steps to take at once. Right? The book is coming out and you may be here when your book comes out, right. I just love how even now a lot of people would sit there and there are so many things for you to literally bitch about. You’re finding the good in it. Which is why a year ago, you're sitting on your porch crying. You were still dreaming, but you didn't know what you were going to do. You just knew you were going to do something, right. I remember you taking walks and taking pictures and I was always so inspired by that. Because it's finding the beauty in the midst of all of this chaos, right? And by doing that you untangled yourself and you found your path and I think it's so inspirational and I want people listening to this to just take that and say yeah, this can suck but there is beauty in it. JE: There's an outlet that I can take out of this what time says that's it's hour by hour, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but this whole process has made me see that every day is a gift and every time with your people is a gift. And even in this waiting being able to spend time with the people, I love here and just I mean even little family traditions like going to Cox farms and I getting to be here for my goddaughters birthday. All of those little things are huge and it's just day by day, step by step like there is beauty in every moment if you look for it, it's there it is there. DC: Jamie you've always been someone that I've looked up to because of the way that you're able to just view the world and I just want to thank you for that because you keep me focused and thinking, “okay there's something good in this.” How can people find your book when it comes out and follow you because you're going to be doing a tour at some point and people can say, “I saw you on Dr. Cam’s show.” JE: I'm on Facebook and Instagram right now. It’s @TangledUpBook. The presale starts in November, all the links will be there. It's going to be sold almost everywhere books are sold. Follow me @TangledUpBook on Facebook and Instagram, all the information all the details will be there. DC: And I'll link to it from YouTube and on the podcast. Jamie, thank you. This was my first official interview and I love it. We’ve got to meet back a year from now—if we have time in our schedules, because we're gonna be so busy with all of our success (laughs). So, let's plan on meeting back in a year and checking in. As we know, a lot can happen in a year. JE: Absolutely. Absolutely. I love it. DC: So, if you guys liked this story, which there's no way you can’t. I mean, come on, Jamie is so inspirational. Please share it, like it, send Jamie some love. And get the book when it comes out because it's beautiful and amazing.

Nov 22, 2020

Are you tossing and turning at night worrying about whether or not you made the right choice about school? Are you stressing out about how that choice is going to impact your kids (and you)? Are your kids sulking and b*tching about the choice you made? You're not alone! Dr. Cam has a few ideas that may help. If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com .

Nov 21, 2020

"I don't want to live anymore." Those words trigger a gut-wrenching sense of panic--especially when they come from your teen. What do you do when your teen threatens to take their life? How do you know if you should take it seriously or not? In this episode, Dr. Cam talks about teen suicide. If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com .

Nov 20, 2020

As parents of teens, we tend to get pretty hard on ourselves. We feel overwhelmed with anxiety, guilt, frustration, and a long list of "what ifs." In this episode, Dr. Cam flips the lens to focus on how to take care of ourselves. If you want to be the best parent that you can be, first, you have to be the best YOU that you can be. If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com .

Oct 1, 2020

Miscommunication. It's the catalyst for so many fights, hurt feelings, slammed doors, and, well, more fights. In this episode, Dr. Cam shares a few tips to prevent misunderstandings with your teen and substantially reduce the conflict that usually follows close behind. If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com .

Sep 26, 2020

As a parent of a teen, do you ever feel like you're losing your mind? Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result." If you find yourself having the same fight over and over again with your teen, and falling into the same patterns, it may be time to try something new. If you feel like you have already tried EVERYTHING and nothing works, Dr. Cam has some ideas that will help. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Sep 26, 2020

What happens when you let your teen daughter take over your FB Live about Parenting Teens? Listen and find out! Today Alexa's doing the show for me SOLO while I’m in an all-day workshop. I’m giving her free rein...so it could be interesting 🤔 😱 If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam and her daughter at www.AskDrCam.com

Sep 26, 2020

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by her 14-year-old daughter to talk about ADHD from a teen perspective. If you have a child with ADHD or another learning difference or if you are a teen with a learning difference, this video will offer you encouragement and show you're not in this alone! If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com

Sep 25, 2020

How do you keep a positive mindset when your teen is acting like a, well, jerk? In this episode, Dr. Cam shares her secret to remaining calm and staying focused on what really matters. It may be a bit morbid, but it works! If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com

Sep 25, 2020

By request, in this episode, Dr. Cam talks about lying and what to do when our teens keep doing it. Dr. Cam shares a method that can also help you address other behaviors like anxiety and disrespect. This is a meaty one, so bring a notebook and pen. If found this episode helpful, please let other parents know by leaving a review. Thank you!! If you want Dr. Cam to address a certain topic, please send her a note at www.askdrcam.com

Jul 25, 2020

Let's talk about how to get our teens to talk to US! Not always an easy endeavor, I know. In this episode, Dr. Cam shares 3 tips that will encourage even the most reluctant teen to open up. If you liked this episode, please write a review so other parents can find help too! Thanks :) Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com

Jul 25, 2020

Which is more effective at addressing our teen's misbehavior: punishment or discipline? What the heck is the difference? In this episode, Dr. Cam breaks down how one sets our teens (and us) up to fail and the other sets us up for success. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Jul 25, 2020

Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? In other words, do you believe your teen is a problem or has a problem? The difference between the two can make an enormous difference in how we parent. In this episode, Dr. Cam talks about how our mindset impacts how effective we are at raising our teens. You can learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com

Jul 22, 2020

In honor of this weekend's holiday celebrating our country's independence, I want to provide some insight into your teen's need for independence and what we can do to celebrate it rather than fight it. Don't forget to grab your FREE guide: 5 Parenting Secrets to Calm the Chaos TODAY! Have a wonderful 4th! You can learn more about Dr. Cam at www.askdrcam.com

Jul 18, 2020

When we get frustrated and angry with our teen's behavior, it's tempting to throw up our hands and want to walk away. But in these moments our teens need us more than ever. Dr. Cam explains why and what we can do instead of giving up or giving in. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)

Jul 18, 2020

In her podcasting debut, Dr. Cam shares a bit of her story and explains the "why" behind her mission to build better parent/teen relationships through improved communication and understanding. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)