Helping Tweens Succeed in School: Parenting Strategies for Academic Success

Helping your tween thrive academically isn’t just about grades—it’s about fostering motivation, independence, and a love for learning. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with JoAnn Schauf, founder of Your Tween and You, to discuss how parents can set their tweens up for success in school without constant battles over homework and grades. JoAnn, often called the Parent Whisperer, shares expert insights from her book Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween . She provides practical strategies to help tweens develop strong study habits, take ownership of their learning, and build confidence in their abilities. What You'll Learn in This Episode How to encourage motivation without nagging The best ways to help your tween set and reach academic goals Why focusing on strengths leads to better learning outcomes How to balance support and independence in schoolwork The role of technology in learning—and how to set boundaries 5 Key Takeaways for Parents of Tweens Collaboration boosts motivation – Involve tweens in goal-setting to help them feel invested in their education. Study habits matter more than grades – Focus on effort, organization, and progress rather than just report cards. Let them take ownership – Encourage problem-solving instead of fixing everything for them. Support, don’t micromanage – Guide your tween in developing independence rather than controlling their work. Praise the process, not just the outcome – Recognize hard work, consistency, and small wins to build confidence. Enjoying the Show? If this episode helped you, please share it with other parents! 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Resources Mentioned in This Episode 20% discount for new coaching clients through September 15, 2024 at YourTweenandYou.com Episode Chapters 00:00 – Introduction and Background 03:01 – Encouraging Motivation Without Nagging 08:05 – Setting Realistic Academic Goals 13:56 – Balancing Support and Independence 19:01 – The Role of Technology in Learning 24:54 – Focusing on Strengths Over Grades 31:48 – Helping Tweens Build Study Habits 36:50 – Conclusion and Book Recommendation CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: JoAnn Schauf Website: YourTweenandYou.com Instagram: @YourTweenandYou YouTube: Your Tween and You Facebook: @YourTweenandYou LinkedIn: JoAnn Schauf Connect with Your Host: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.762) Hello, parents of tweens and teens! As the new school year approaches, prepping our tweens for success is more important than ever. Today, we're diving into some of the biggest challenges parents face: balancing expectations, navigating social dynamics, and setting up accountability for academic success. Our special guest, JoAnn Schauf, is here to share expert insights. Often called the "Parent Whisperer," JoAnn is the author of Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween and founder of Your Tween and You , a resource dedicated to supporting, empowering, and inspiring parents. She’s here to give us valuable tips and actionable advice to help our tweens have their best school year yet. JoAnn, welcome to the show! JoAnn Schauf (00:48.354) Thank you so much! It’s so fun to be here. Dr. Cam (00:50.444) It is! I love starting with the backstory. What inspired you to help parents and their tweens? JoAnn Schauf (00:58.872) This has been building for a while. I was a school counselor when cell phones first became a big thing, and parents were tearing their hair out. It was already tough—tweens were hibernating in their rooms, and parents felt lost because they weren’t as involved in middle school as they were in elementary school. At one point, I had more parents in my office than students because they didn’t know what to do with technology. Then I realized—it wasn’t just technology. There were so many things parents needed help with. So, I thought, They need a book. They need tools and strategies to understand what’s going on with their tweens. That’s how it all started. Dr. Cam (01:49.976) Such a big need! By the time this episode airs, school will be even closer, and parents are already starting to panic. What are some of the biggest challenges they come to you about? JoAnn Schauf (02:15.054) Technology is a huge one. It used to be recommended to keep the family computer in a shared space so parents could monitor usage. Now, we’ve gone from that to handing kids a smartphone with unlimited access, and no one knew the rules. Parents didn’t grow up with this either, so there wasn’t any historical guidance. We had to write a playbook to help them figure it out. Dr. Cam (02:54.042) Yeah, what specific challenges are causing the biggest struggles? JoAnn Schauf (03:01.422) Everything from stranger danger to video game addiction to kids staying up all night texting. Sleep is critical, and if they’re on their phones all night, it affects everything. Parents need to take control, but we also need to think about our own screen habits. If we’re on our phones constantly, we’re not setting a great example. It’s easy to fall into the “do as I say, not as I do” trap. Dr. Cam (03:48.629) All the time. Exactly. JoAnn Schauf (03:51.118) One little device has completely changed how we function as a society. Dr. Cam (04:02.274) It really has. And parents often see it as a negative just because it’s different from how we grew up. A lot of school-related conflict comes down to two things: pressure to succeed and battles over phone use. Parents expect straight A’s in every subject, regardless of a child’s strengths or interests, and they want them off their phones completely during homework. But many kids actually use their phones to help with schoolwork—whether it’s researching online or FaceTiming a friend for support. When we take the phone away, we might be removing their learning tools instead of solving the real problem. How do we find a balance where kids can focus without constant battles over technology? JoAnn Schauf (05:22.318) The key is to avoid turning it into a battle. The moment it becomes a power struggle, no one wins. I encourage parents to collaborate instead of just laying down the law. Saying, “You can only use it from this time to this time, and it stays in the kitchen the rest of the day,” creates a feeling of distrust. The stricter you are, the more they’ll resist. A better approach is to invite them into a conversation: “School’s starting soon. You’ve had a lot of freedom with technology over the summer. Let’s figure out a plan together so we’re not constantly fighting about it.” Dr. Cam (06:01.442) Yes! That’s not just teens—that’s human nature. JoAnn Schauf (06:17.592) Exactly. This approach gives them a sense of ownership. Instead of laying down rules, ask, “How can we set this up so we both feel good about it?” That way, it’s a collaborative solution, not a dictatorship. Dr. Cam (06:31.866) I love that. But let’s be real—many parents interpret “having a conversation” as “I’ll tell you the rules, and you’ll listen.” Why doesn’t that work? JoAnn Schauf (06:50.926) Because tweens don’t want to be bossed around. They’re figuring out their identity, what they believe in, and how they fit into the world. Two things they crave most are independence and autonomy. If you just lay down rules, they’ll resist—even if they agree with you. It’s part of growing up. Dr. Cam (07:31.696) And if they do obey, they’re either miserable or sneaky about it. JoAnn Schauf (07:36.526) Right. That’s why parents need to gradually let go of control so kids learn to self-regulate. By the time they’re on their own at 18 or 21, they need to know how to manage their time, their responsibilities, and yes—their screen use. Dr. Cam (08:12.016) Many parents worry that if they don’t enforce strict limits, their kids will be on their phones 24/7 and their grades will plummet. What’s your response? JoAnn Schauf (08:30.668) Collaboration is key. Say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want your phone to be the source of constant fights. How can we make this work for both of us?” If they feel involved in setting the rules, they’re much more likely to follow them. Dr. Cam (09:03.354) Absolutely. Tweens and teens know their phones are distracting. Sometimes, they turn to them because they’re bored—not because they don’t care about school. Removing the phone doesn’t make homework more engaging. And not all screen time is equal. JoAnn Schauf (09:44.206) Exactly! That’s why it’s important to define what’s allowed and what’s not. Tell them, “These are the apps I’m okay with. Since I’m paying for the phone, I need to see what you’re doing on it.” They won’t love that, but it’s about safety, not control. Parents aren’t spying—they’re making sure their kids are safe and using technology in a healthy way. Dr. Cam (10:39.854): Yeah, so I think this is one of those fine lines you have to walk carefully because I agree with you. However, how we do it makes all the difference. If it's "This is my phone, I get to take it whenever I want," that’s hard because you gave it to them, and they’re having personal conversations with their friends. A lot of the kids I talk to have nothing to hide, but they feel responsible for keeping what their friends say confidential. I’ve had this experience with my daughter, where I said, "I want to look at this," and she got really upset. I asked, "What are you hiding?" It turned out she wasn’t hiding anything. I trust her, but she was worried about her friends. So I think how we handle the phone is important. I want to bring this back to academics because it’s really important. We want to create an expectation for school, but how do we do that so both we as parents and our teens are okay with it? If it doesn’t work for them, they won’t abide by it. JoAnn Schauf (11:58.028): Right, and communication is really important. When we listen to understand our kids, we get knowledge about how they feel, what they’re doing, and what their plans are. The connection comes from listening, not just from telling them what to do. If we’re always focusing on things they’ve done wrong, they won’t feel comfortable coming to us with issues, like if someone is bothering them at school. As parents, it's on us to build that connection, to talk in a way they feel heard and listened to. One thing I really like is giving your child a voice. For example, when we talk about grades, we can ask, "What grades do you think you can earn?" Instead of saying, "I want you to get A's and B's," ask, "What do you think you can earn in math?" If math is their strong subject, they might say, "I can get between a 95 and 98 in math, no problem." But if they hate writing and reading, they might say, "I don’t like language arts. An 88 sounds good for me." The key is setting realistic goals. We can’t expect them to get all A’s everywhere, but if we help them set achievable goals, they’re more likely to succeed. Before school starts, I suggest sitting down with your teen to talk about their goals. The goals should be theirs, not ours. Dr. Cam (15:14.468): Exactly. It’s also important to revisit those goals later in the year because it’s hard to set goals before they know the teacher, the class, or the workload. I’ve seen kids who do really well in elementary school but struggle in middle school because the work is tougher. The subjects become more specialized, and they realize, "I’m great in literature but not so good at science." Suddenly, they’re not straight A students anymore, and they think, "I’m stupid." They give up across the board. So I love your idea of helping them identify what they’re passionate about and where they need to work harder. If they love a subject, they’ll go all in. For the subjects they don’t enjoy, they still have to put in the effort, but they don’t have to be perfect. JoAnn Schauf (16:26.606): Yeah, and you’re so right about middle school. In elementary school, kids can often correct their mistakes to improve their grades. So, if they get a 78, they might redo it and end up with an 88 or 90. That can inflate their grade a bit because they’re getting second chances. Middle school doesn’t offer as many second chances, and the grading reflects that. This is a tough transition for kids, especially when they’ve been successful before. They think, "I was smart last year, but this year I’m not," and that can be a hard blow. Dr. Cam (17:17.024): I see this a lot. Kids' grades start to drop, and they think, "If I’m not getting straight A’s, I’m just not a straight A student anymore," so they give up. This is why focusing too much on the grade can be harmful. If the focus is on getting the grade, kids might do the least amount of work to get it, or even cheat. So, Joanne, let’s talk about how to motivate kids, especially in middle school. How do we help them develop intrinsic motivation without nagging? JoAnn Schauf (18:05.674): One way to do this is by focusing on the tasks that lead to good grades, not just the grades themselves. Ask them, "What time will you do your homework? How will you stay organized?" Many kids submit homework online but sometimes forget to turn it in. It’s about teaching them the building blocks of success: doing homework, turning it in, and staying organized. Without these skills, the grades won’t come. It’s important to reward the process. When they get their homework done on time or organize their backpack, celebrate that. It’s about them feeling proud of their effort, not about us saying, "I’m proud of you." Intrinsic motivation comes when kids recognize their own hard work and feel good about it. Dr. Cam (19:25.284): Yeah, and not trying to please us. I like the building blocks too because as parents, we often say, "Your grades are failing; you need to do better." And when I ask the kids, "What do you mean by 'do better'?" they don't know how to answer. Let's look at what's getting in your way. It's not that they're lazy; they just forget things, like turning in assignments. They don’t think about stuff like that at this age. So let's figure out a plan or try different strategies to see what works for them. I'm not going to tell you what to do because it might not work for you. What works for you to get your homework in on time? How can you remind yourself? JoAnn Schauf (20:13.326): Right. One helpful thing is for kids to realize they have to submit their homework at a specific time. Once they have a plan—doing the work at this time and submitting it at this time—it becomes a habit. All of these things—doing the work, writing it down, and turning it in—become habits. It’s so sad when kids do all the work and don’t get credit for it because they didn’t turn it in on time. They should get credit for their effort. Dr. Cam (20:49.658): Exactly, and I want to add something. One of the worst inventions, in my opinion, is the ability for parents to check grades every second of the day. I think it’s harmful for both kids and parents. Parents start owning the grade, and teachers don’t always update the grades on time. I’ve seen kids getting in trouble for their grades when the teacher hasn’t entered them yet. It creates so much unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations. I just wish it would go away. JoAnn Schauf (21:44.266): It really is crazy. Before this, kids had less stress because they didn’t walk in the door and hear, "Why did you get a C+ on that test? You studied so hard, you knew everything. How did that happen?" How can a kid even answer that? So, what I tell my clients is this: make a deal with your kids in the summer about what they want to earn and how their homework will look. Promise that you’ll never open the grade portal. Every week, sit down with them—maybe with brownies or ice cream, or go for a walk—and let them open the portal to show you their grades. When they see it, they can think, "No wonder I have an 82 in social studies. I forgot to turn in that paper when I was sick." Then, they’ll take ownership and ask the teacher if they can turn it in late. That’s what ownership looks like. Dr. Cam (22:56.934): I’m so glad you agree, Joanne. It’s all about ownership. I see it in the workplace too. People complain about Gen Z not having the right skills, but the problem is parents take so much ownership of everything that kids never learn how to do things themselves. We send them into the world with good grades, but they haven’t learned how to earn those grades on their own. JoAnn Schauf (23:26.956): Exactly. When we own something, we take care of it, right? You get a new car, new dishes, or new clothes, and you take care of them because you own them. That feeling of ownership is powerful for kids. When parents don’t let go, it’s scary for them. They think if they don’t manage everything, their kids won’t succeed. But the truth is, kids would probably do better without the constant nagging. Just ask them, "What are you going to do? How are you going to handle your homework?" Let them decide. If they say, "I hate math, but I’ll do it first to get it out of the way," that’s their plan, and it’s empowering. Dr. Cam (24:34.246): I love that one. "Go to the store and get this." JoAnn Schauf (24:39.362): Yeah, there’s always that, "Can you stop what you’re doing and go get this?" But again, it’s their voice speaking, and that’s powerful. Dr. Cam (24:43.878): It’s 100%. I’ve seen that with my daughter. She’s gone from having great grades to struggling, but she’s always taken ownership of it. Now, at 18, she manages everything herself. It’s amazing. She’s better at it than I am now. Dr. Cam (25:22.63): She’s had ownership her whole life, including the responsibility to fail. If things didn’t work out, we never punished her; we worked together to figure it out. Now, she can solve problems on her own, which is incredible. JoAnn Schauf (25:44.3): That’s awesome. You did a great job. Dr. Cam (25:46.852): I’ve been focused on that. But parents have a hard time letting go because of fear—fear of what will happen if they do. I want to put more fear into them about not letting go, because that’s scarier. If they don’t, their kids won’t have the skills they need. JoAnn Schauf (25:56.47): It’s true. JoAnn Schauf (26:10.21): When you mentioned middle school earlier, that’s a great time for kids to experience failure. Failure is an opportunity to learn. If a kid didn’t study for a test, there’s no punishment. Instead, we ask, "If you could do it over, what would you do differently?" They might say, "I would’ve started reviewing my notes earlier." This kind of problem-solving teaches them what to do next time. Dr. Cam (27:32.058): That’s great. JoAnn Schauf (27:32.658): I did a workshop for teachers about "second-tier learning"—learning from mistakes. I asked them, "When you hand back tests, what happens?" They said they just move on. I asked, "What about helping them learn from what they missed?" After that, many teachers realized how valuable it is to give kids that chance to learn from their mistakes. Dr. Cam (27:42.02): Yeah, it’s amazing when they can do that. And when they don’t fear failure, right? If they’re punished for failing, they’ll avoid it and hide it. But if they can solve the problem and learn from it, they won’t fear failure. They’ll be excited to try new things. JoAnn Schauf (28:11.936): Exactly. Trying new things is so awesome for middle school kids. Sometimes, parents just need a reminder that failing in middle school won’t keep them from getting into Harvard Law School. Dr. Cam (28:27.414): No, and getting into Harvard Law School isn’t a guarantee of a perfect life. Not everyone is made for Harvard Law. I think we need to focus on strengths too. Not all kids learn the same way. If they took a history test and didn’t do well, instead of saying, "Go study again," suggest something different—like watching a movie about it, reading a book, or playing a game. They could start learning in a fun way. My daughter, for example, if there’s a Broadway show about something, she’s all in. She knows everything about Hamilton , even if it's not totally accurate. So, let’s find ways to help them learn that works for them. JoAnn Schauf (29:20.782): That’s a great idea. Kids love learning from videos, and hands-on learners need something tangible to connect with. If they didn’t get something right, have them show you what it looks like. They might build a model. The thing is, kids rarely realize they’re a hands-on learner, an auditory learner, or a visual learner. Once they or their parents figure it out, it really helps them learn in the way that works best. Dr. Cam (29:53.956): Exactly. And going back to videos—many kids might not care about what they learn in school, but they’ll spend hours diving into YouTube, becoming experts in topics they care about. If they’re struggling in school, ask yourself: What are they interested in? Are they motivated there? If they are, your kid is already motivated. JoAnn Schauf (30:30.54): Right. I had four kids, and they were all different. One of them really struggled in school. He’s a great kid—outgoing, friendly, with tons of friends—but grades were never his thing. But he was an amazing hockey player, and he loved it. He did well in hockey, so I let him play, no matter what his grades were. My other kids thought it wasn’t fair that he got to play, even when his grades weren’t perfect. But I always told them: “You need to do what you’re good at. Let's celebrate what you’re good at.” That helped my relationship with him because he knew I understood his struggles in school but also wanted to support his love for hockey. Parents should think about other ways to measure a child's success, beyond just grades. Dr. Cam (31:47.802): I love that. We get so focused on grades, thinking they’re the only measure of success. But hockey has nothing to do with grades. Taking that away sends the message that anything else about them doesn’t matter. Plus, if they don’t have time for the things they love, they won’t have the energy or motivation to tackle the tough stuff, like schoolwork. I see this all the time—kids who enjoy nothing because it’s all work, and then they’re stressed and being yelled at to do their homework. It’s setting them up to fail. JoAnn Schauf (32:39.48): No, I agree. When I was a kid, I hated being yelled at. Dr. Cam (32:46.246): I still hate being yelled at. It’s just not fun. JoAnn Schauf (32:50.51): It’s so disrespectful. That’s something I try to help parents understand—that their tone of voice matters. When you’re about to lecture your child because their room’s a mess and grandma’s coming over, they already know if you’re going to listen or lecture after the first couple of sentences. They can shut you out and look like they’re listening, but they’re really thinking about something else, like a new song or a YouTube video. If you want to make a difference, your tone can’t sound like a lecture or “I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why.” That’s my least favorite. Dr. Cam (33:42.346): Right, because “I’m the parent.” But I think what’s hard is we perceive them not listening as disrespect, when really, they’re feeling disrespected and protecting themselves. It’s more about how we perceive it. JoAnn Schauf (33:57.326): Exactly, Dr. Cam. Dr. Cam (34:07.962): So, what are the top three things you want parents to take away from this episode? JoAnn Schauf (34:13.004): First, I want them to understand the value of their child’s voice. Listen to understand them. Second, set up accountabilities for success. Let your child decide their grade goals, and then go over their grades together. Open that portal and hear the stories behind the numbers. Like, “Mrs. Perkins didn’t get the copies made, so they didn’t have to take that test.” You won’t get that from just opening the portal. And third, focus on your child’s strengths. For example, my daughter loved animals—dogs, cats, turtles—she was friends with them all. In seventh grade, I suggested she volunteer at a vet’s office. She wanted to be a vet, but after a few weeks, she fainted while watching a surgery. She knew she wasn’t cut out for being a vet. But it was a powerful learning experience. She could still volunteer in dog rescue, but now she knew her limits. Helping kids find their interests and honing their skills is really important. Dr. Cam (36:24.302): When they’re moving toward something they’re passionate about, the motivation and drive are incredible. But if they’re dragging their heels, they’re probably not following their passion. JoAnn Schauf (36:43.404): Exactly. Thank you so much for having me on today. Dr. Cam (36:47.502): Thank you, JoAnn. I appreciate it. JoAnn Schauf (36:50.956): I just want to mention that I have a book called Loving the Alien: How to Raise Your Tween . Every chapter starts with a story every parent will relate to, followed by strategies and skills to make life with your tween much more enjoyable. Dr. Cam (37:14.426): That’s fantastic. I’ll put a link in the show notes so everyone can find it. Thank you again for joining us, JoAnn. It’s been a pleasure. JoAnn Schauf (37:21.826): Thank you, it was my pleasure. Have a great day About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parenting #tweens #academicmotivation #studyhabits