About this episode
In this heartfelt and insightful episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and host of the "Just Breathe" podcast, to discuss the journey of parenting an LGBTQ+ teen. Heather shares her personal experience with her son Connor’s coming out at 16 and how it inspired her mission to support parents of LGBTQ+ teens. In this conversation, Heather offers valuable advice on how to navigate your emotions, avoid common pitfalls, and create a safe, inclusive space for your teen. What You'll Learn in This Episode: Why your LGBTQ+ teen is often already sure of their identity when they come out—and what that means for you as a parent. The #1 question you should never ask your LGBTQ+ teen (and what to ask instead). How to support your LGBTQ+ teen through their coming out journey without unintentionally causing harm. Why your teen’s social media activity isn’t “influencing” their identity, but rather helping them find community and support. The importance of processing your own emotions with trusted friends or professionals, rather than relying on your teen for emotional support. Top 5 Takeaways for Parents of Teens The most important thing parents can do is provide unconditional love and support, making home a safe space for their LGBTQ+ teen. Parents should process their own emotions and questions with professionals or trusted friends, not with their child. Social media isn't "influencing" teens to be LGBTQ+; it's helping them find community and understand themselves better. When you make mistakes (like using wrong pronouns), acknowledge them simply and move on without making a big deal about it. Focus on who your child is as a whole person rather than fixating on their LGBTQ+ identity Enjoying the Show? Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Podcast: Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen (available on all podcast platforms) PFLAG: https://pflag.org/ Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ GLAAD: https://glaad.org/ Connect with the Guest: Heather Hester: Website: https://chrysalismama.com Instagram: @chrysalismama TikTok: @chrysalismama Connect with the host: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam Chapters 00:00 Navigating the Challenges of Raising LGBTQ+ Teens 02:59 The Journey of Acceptance and Support 05:58 Understanding the Coming Out Process 09:05 The Importance of Unconditional Love 12:02 Addressing Parental Concerns and Misconceptions 15:03 The Role of Social Media in Identity Formation 17:51 Creating a Safe Space for LGBTQ+ Teens 21:03 The Path to Resilience and Acceptance 22:54 The Importance of Self-Education 25:04 Navigating Identity and Relationships 28:50 Understanding Loss and Expectations 30:32 Fluidity in Identity 33:14 Challenging Social Norms 36:01 Embracing Authenticity 39:12 Letting Go of Control 42:17 Supporting Resilience FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.402) Welcome back, parents. Raising a teen is tough, but raising an LGBTQ+ teen comes with its own unique challenges. How do you create a safe, supportive space where your teen feels seen, heard, and empowered? Today, I'm joined by Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and host of the Just Breathe podcast. With two LGBTQ+ kids of her own, Heather understands the importance of showing up with love, unlearning bias, and embracing the messy journey of parenting with pride. Hi, Heather. Heather Hester (00:44.509) Hi, it's great to be here. Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:47.016) Of course! I love starting with a backstory. What inspired you to support parents of LGBTQ+ children? Heather Hester (01:03.539) The short answer is having one, then two of my own. When my first came out, it was eight years ago—time flies. He was 16, the oldest of four, and we had no idea it was coming. The first 18 months were really rocky for him and for us. We struggled to find resources and support. Once we got through that, I realized that there were thousands of other families going through the same thing. I had to do something about it. So, I started a website to share the resources I found, like PFLAG, the Trevor Project, GLAAD, and others. From there, it grew. When he graduated and was about to go to college, I thought starting a podcast might help reach more people, and it’s been such a rewarding experience. Dr. Cam (03:14.955) That's amazing. Heather Hester (03:26.227) The podcast has allowed me to connect people with wisdom to an audience of parents and allies hungry for information. Dr. Cam (03:42.338) I love that. Turning your story into help for others is so powerful. What went through your mind when your son first came out? Heather Hester (03:57.507) It was a defining moment. My son came out in a dramatic way, running away while my husband and I were out of town. It was terrifying. I had been raised in a very conservative Christian home, so my initial reaction was, "There's no way my child is going to hell." That led to the realization that I had a lot to learn. The first thing my husband and I did was ask, "What does he need from us?" We had no idea where to begin. The first 30 minutes were a blur, and we realized we were completely underprepared. Dr. Cam (05:55.096) What advice can you offer parents just starting on this journey? Heather Hester (06:15.399) We tend to overcomplicate things, but the most important thing is to show your child unconditional love. They need to know we’ve got their back no matter what. Everything else comes from that space. Heather Hester (she/her) (15:03.131) Yes, that’s a very common concern. I have two thoughts on that. First, it’s great that our kids now have access to find their people. When we were growing up, the reason many of our peers didn’t come out was because they didn’t know where to find others like them. They didn’t know who was safe to talk to or come out to. Now, with social media, they have that access. Dr. Cam (15:38.51) All those connections. Heather Hester (she/her) (15:38.51) Exactly. It can be a double-edged sword, though. Yes, social media has its dangers, but this access allows kids to find the communities they need. It helps them connect with others who understand their experience, even if those connections are online at first. Dr. Cam (15:56.036) Right, and I think that fear parents have of social media influencing their child to "join a trend" is more rooted in a misunderstanding. It’s not about jumping on a bandwagon—it’s about their child coming to terms with who they’ve always been, just having the words or the space to express it now. Heather Hester (16:14.001) Yes, exactly. And it’s important to remember that when a child comes out, they’ve often been thinking about it for a long time. They’ve already processed it in ways we may not have been aware of. And when they finally open up, they’re not looking for validation or attention—they just want to be seen for who they truly are. Dr. Cam (16:28.365) Right. The idea of this being a "phase" can be damaging. It diminishes their experience and makes them question themselves. That’s why it’s so crucial for parents to approach this with openness, trust, and patience. Heather Hester (16:42.303) Exactly. The last thing they need is for us to minimize their experience. They’re already dealing with a lot, and our job is to support them, not make them feel like they have to prove themselves our kids are able to find community and they are able to look at others and say, like they see representation, they see themselves and they're like, that's how I feel on the inside. Like I'm not alone in feeling that way. And so it's very validating for who they are and it helps give them the courage then to come out to you, right? To come to you and say, this is who I am, right? I had another thought on that and now it's going away. I'll have to circle back to that. Dr. Cam (16:35.182) One thing as you, yeah, one thing when you're thinking about that too, and I think we find, I actually think that's a bigger plus of the social media talking to teens. A lot of them have found that that has actually saved their lives because they have found community and support where they can't find it in real life. The other thing is from what I hear too is that it's not that they come to them and change their mind. It's that they find the people that they relate to and then explain who they are. And that's why they're drawn. So parents see it as a cause this way. And really it's a cause of I'm finding you because I already feel this way. And now you're explaining to me how I feel and showing that I'm not alone and that there's others like me. And so you're not changing me. You're helping me accept me. And that's what I see a lot. Heather Hester (17:05.885) Correct. Correct. That is a thousand percent correct. And that was so beautifully the way you just said that was perfect because that is it. That is it. I kids are, and I think about, know, even going back to Connor, which was 2017, a while ago, but that he was out there because he felt he couldn't come to us. He was so scared to say anything to anyone that he was looking things up. He was trying to get answers to the questions of, this is how I'm feeling. And we want to be part of that process because the flip side is there are a lot of dangerous things out there. There are a lot of dangerous people out there who are preying on our kids. So if we are not having these conversations with them and and acknowledging like, this is actually a great thing that you've found this community and you've found these people where you do feel like it is so validating of who you are and where you can ask questions because there are a lot of questions that we can't answer as cisgendered, know, straight people. So that is a great, great thing. And we want to make sure it's safe. So that's, again, a reason to have that open communication to encourage like, okay, hey, I'm learning right along with you and I want to know and this isn't a bad thing at all. Dr. Cam (18:59.554) Yeah, I think as you're saying this, we come from a place of wanting to keep them safe by trying to talk them out of it. When that is actually shutting them down and in a way becoming their number one bully because we're turning away who they are. And it prevents us from being able to help protect them because now they don't trust us. Rather than saying, okay, this is who you are. How do you be who you are out in the world? and how do you keep yourself as you out in the world? And one thing you will always, always know is that I've got your back. And man, that is what helps kids make it through mentally because we go, my gosh, this has such a negative impact on their mental health. Well, the number one reason is when their parents reject them is why. So if we accept them, we can help them become more resilient. Heather Hester (19:50.003) Correct. Correct. Dr. Cam (19:56.472) to the people that aren't gonna accept him. And yeah, there's gonna be a lot of people out there that are going to be cruel. We just don't wanna be one of them. Heather Hester (20:03.751) Yes, correct, correct. And realizing our speech, there's a lot of work that goes into changing our speech and the words that we use that we don't even realize are hurtful or harmful. And I think that can be very difficult to, there's a lot of work that we have to do as parents and unlearning some of those, very deeply ingrained either beliefs or slang that we use, all of these things that we now, it is very important to your point to be aware of, to shift so that we aren't that bully, so we aren't that reason that our child is struggling with mental health because...they do have the world that's gonna come at them. So they need their home, their parents, their people to be, this needs to be like the safety nest, like 100,000 % safe, open, and just this warm, cozy place that they learn then how to build the resilience and build those tools that they're gonna need to go out in the world and handle all the things that come at them. Dr. Cam (21:33.142) Yeah. And I think, and we mentioned before, and I'm like replaying stuff that has happened, you know, in my life as well with being curious and wanting to show support without question, but also being a little selfish in asking questions and depending on them to relay my, to inform me and to educate me and being offended if they took what I said the wrong way and saying, well, that's not what I meant, rather than going, let me go learn as much as I can. And let me ask you if I can ask questions, because I do have questions that I want to understand. And also making it all about that. And all of a sudden, was their identity became just about that for a while while we settled in. which was unfair and I'm glad we're past that point where that's not the identity. But it was for a long time and I feel bad about that because I know a lot of it was me because of my curiosity. So how do we support them, show them we support them, but allow them to be them without making it all of it? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Heather Hester (22:54.503) All of it, yeah, absolutely, 100 % of their identity, absolutely. Well, I think you already really kind of hit the really important parts, which are go do your own work, go do your own learning, figure out the places. There's so many books, websites, articles, professionals that are factual. And that's also another very important piece of this is really that I've worked really hard these past eight years to like the facts. Like that's what I've been, I just want to know what is factual, what is true, what is correct, because there is a lot of stuff out there, right? So doing that work on your own. And then again, to your point, coming to them and asking, you know, saying, I have been learning, I've been reading, and I have questions. Is it okay if I ask you the questions? Are you okay with answering some questions? I know it's kind of weird. Whatever your, I mean, your relationship is going to shift and grow in a way that you never imagined it would, I promise you, and in such a great positive way. I will also say that it is very normal for both your child and for you to go, there is a piece of this like, coming out process that is the identity is 100%. They are gay, are bi, they are non-binary, are fill in the blank, right? And that is super normal that there is a time where everything revolves around that because they're trying to get their footing and we're trying to get our footing. I think the fine line in there, the happy space in there is that we're allowing them to kind of bounce around and do their figuring out. And while also knowing that we are a safe space for them to come to that we are happy to get the supports in place that they need. Right. And we are doing our own work. Right. So they're not failing this extra like, I've got to take care of mom. Like mom's going to come ask me a hundred questions today. You know, that whole, we do not want that. Dr. Cam (25:13.76) Yeah, I think the big one and I know what helped me a lot was to focus more on the nephew I've always known and the person I've always known rather than this new piece of identity, but focus on them. And so that is really, and it was hard at first because it was hard to see past this new, because my mind had to shift. a lot and old brains are harder to shift. My daughter used to get so mad at me because I would muggle up and just use the wrong pronouns all the time and my daughter would get so mad at me because she changed like that. I'm like, I'm struggling. I'm trying so hard. And so I said to my nephew, I go, please, I'm going to mess up. I know I'm going to mess up. Heather Hester (26:08.093) Absolutely. Dr. Cam (26:10.488) pointed out and they said, he said, just don't make a big deal out of it when you do. Like you don't have to make a big deal out of it. Just go on and it's fine. Because I would be like, my God, I'm so sorry. And they're like, don't, don't, just go on. Heather Hester (26:24.691) Right. Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly, exactly right. And I think people are, you know, they would much rather that we try and make mistakes and, you know, mess up than not try at all, then just shut down, then just like be so afraid of, and they are, especially if they're teenagers, they're going to get impatient and they're going to snap at us, but they're going to do that regardless. Like this isn't because they're gay, they're snapping at us because they're teenagers and that's what teenagers do. Exactly, like this is, they are learning all of these developmentally like things that every teenager goes through, Developmentally. And on top of that, they're learning how to manage their sexual orientation or their gender identity on top of that. So there's a lot going on. Dr. Cam (27:01.518) They're learning to regulate their emotions. Heather Hester (27:23.505) that holding space for that and allowing them just to be messy and all of that is really important and such a great thing. like it's not a lot, but it is so much to be able to do that. And you had said something about at the beginning of that. I don't remember what it was. It was something that triggered a thought, but it was so good on how to respond and how to kind of, guess, again, hold space for your person and just recognize that they are growing and changing and going through all of these things all at once. So not being overly sensitive to, yeah. Dr. Cam (28:05.677) I was gonna say because the other thing is, and I was talking about the pronouns, there's pronouns, name changes, the pronouns went through a phase of different, like there was a phase of different pronouns being used and things like that and names and things like that. And parents I see will roll their eyes, they'll get offended, well that's the name I gave you, I'm not gonna change that, that I'm mourning the loss of. Heather Hester (28:38.023) Yes. Dr. Cam (28:50.488) How do we navigate and those feelings are real and that sense of loss is real. You raised a straight boy for years and now all of a sudden your child is not a straight boy, right? And so you do mourn the loss of that and what your, but it's not a loss of your child. It's a loss of your expectations of that child. So let's be real first of all. Heather Hester (28:57.318) Absolutely. Dr. Cam (29:19.884) Those expectations were not fair and might not have lived out anyway. So how do we let go of these expectations in that feeling of loss without putting it on our kids? Heather Hester (29:24.083) Correct. So completely normal. And I think absolutely necessary, actually, to go through, I call it the movie reel, the explosion of the movie reel, because that's how I visualized it in my head when I realized what was going on. And it is such a normal thing that a parent needs to go through, again, with a professional, with trusted adult with a friend, not with their child. This is not their stuff. This is not about them. This is about your stuff, right? And it's valid stuff. It's very valid. Yes, you did name your child that. Yes, you did, you know, use the pronouns he. And now your child wants to use the pronouns they or she or he, she, they, or it is fluid. And here's, and this is the other thing that I thought of a little bit ago is the idea of being fluid, whether it's, you whether it is with gender or with sexuality. It is something that our kids are able, and first of all, something that has been since the beginning of time. So this is not a new thing that has just popped up in the past five years. This has been historically documented since the beginning of time. Second, our kids are so good at just rolling with it. We and our generation and I think generations kind of around us are so connected to the binary and so connected to being able to check a box and really connected to these finite ideas, whereas our kids are not. And so for them, it's not that they're changing their mind. It's not that they're making a choice. It's not these things that are like very concrete ideas in our brains, they are able to really explore the possibilities of like, I'm feeling this, like this is what I'm connecting with. This does not really have a name or a label or a thing. So I'm gonna try to connect it to something you understand, adult person in my life, right? And so there is that kind of what seems like a breakdown in communication, but they are really actually trying to communicate as best they can their experience. And so it becomes again for us, another layer of the work to, and this was a hard one for me. Like this took a lot of, not that I was like angry or mad about it, but just like realizing how much of this was stuck in there of the binary of needing to have a box of being like, you know, kind of bumping back up against stuff and being like, why is this stuck in my vernacular? Like, why do I keep defaulting to this, you know, using these three words over here? So give yourself some grace knowing that this this isn't something that you just decide, well, I'm going to do the work, which Bravo, thank you. But know that that work is going to take time and you are going to mess up and you are going to make mistakes. And you're going to have to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and be like, all right, I'm just going to keep doing this because I want to show up for my kid. I want to show up for the people in my life who I love. I want to keep evolving as a human being. Dr. Cam (33:14.794) Sorry, I think what is very difficult to is when and you were talking about, know the boxes We do as adults get very set in social norms and a lot of them are social norms We fought against when we were younger Before we were like set in stone that this is the way it needs to be and now we're trying very hard to Mold and box our kids up into social norms that we have accepted which by the way have changed drastically over the years and will continue to change drastically. So they are not law, they are social norms, but we are so stuck to them that we are sure we are right. And we are so convinced and we choose social norms, things that have been told to us that are different all over the world, but we choose those over listening and believing our kids. Heather Hester (33:47.005) Yes. Dr. Cam (34:10.606) accepting our kids for who they are. And I think we need to really look at our social norms more important to us than our kids and allowing them to be their authentic selves. And some people I know are going to choose social norms. And I get that there are people that just are not able to let go of that. But for the people that can look at and accept their kids and want their kids to be authentically real because all of us want our kids to be happy. Kids are not going to be happy molding themselves to try to fit social norms that they don't fit into. They are going to be happy being accepted for who they are. Heather Hester (34:39.527) Yeah. Right. And I would say to that point, our kids, their, and kids just from all of time want to make their parents happy. They want, they want the love of their parents, right? So they're going to do whatever they can to get that love. So if, you know, people are saying, well, my child did do what I told them to do, or did, you know, say, well, it was a choice or it was a phase or it was this. Dr. Cam (35:01.195) 100%. Heather Hester (35:20.059) I have to stop and question that because how much of that was your child wanting to be loved? And I say that coming from a place of I did that for the greater part of 35 years of my life wanting that from my parents, right? So like twisting myself and knots and knots and knots until I realized like, no, like that doesn't that's not who I am, that doesn't work for me. And then having to do all the work to untwist, right? And knowing that that is also possible, right? That that is possible to do. Our child, our children. just need us to love them unconditionally for who they are. And yes, that might cause you some discomfort. And yes, that might cause fractures in other relationships in your lives or a separation from societal norms that you are comfortable with. But it's something that I really encourage people to sit with and think about at the end of the day. What is more important, having that relationship with your child, being able to have your child walk into the world as who they authentically are now instead of 20 years from now or 30 years from now? What is most important to you? And really examining that. that takes courage to do that. Dr. Cam (37:02.382) It takes a lot of courage and I think there there's definitely a piece where people feel like well, this isn't the kid I wanted I wanted a This kid or I wanted a this kid and you know I'm trying to make them into this kid because that's what I wanted and I think that is a very unfair thing because you're given the kid that you're given just as they are given the parent that they are given and Heather Hester (37:27.997) Right, exactly. Dr. Cam (37:30.71) You are the parent that they were given. So our goal is to be the best parent for them that we can be if we want to be, you know, and I think that's hard for a lot of, it is, it's hard for a lot of people to accept this is the child that I have. Heather Hester (37:38.043) Exactly/ Well, and I think there are two, you know, it is very, very difficult and I'm kind of trying to take a moment with that to respond wisely. Because I see such an opportunity in that for growth. Not only within allowing your child to really show up in the world as who they are, but for you to be able to pause and say, a second, like this is actually really cool. Look how much I can learn about this over here that I never even imagined I would have the opportunity to learn about in such an up close and personal way. Look at, you know, the direction that this is moving my life, right, in a way that I never imagined that it would move. And, you know, again, to your point, I do understand that it is difficult to let go of the expectation but it's also kind of what we sign up for when we decide to become parents is. Dr. Cam (39:12.494) I think what I'm finding too is the movie that we create for our kids future, right? Which we may do based on what we want. A, no matter what, there's no guarantee any of that's gonna ever happen. So we need to stop trying to get our kids to play out the role that we've created for them. I think also when we let it play out, it goes beyond anything we are capable of imagining. Heather Hester (39:34.685) Correct. Dr. Cam (39:42.446) And I just see all of the kids, my daughter and my nieces and my nephews living a life that would never have been any of it, what I specifically would have imagined for them. they're so much better than what I came up with, right? And they're doing beautifully and they're authentic and happy and they still struggle and there's still things that are problems and their life is not perfect because God doesn't want, we don't have perfect lives. They still have a lot of those, but that's part of the life and the fact that they all are able to turn to one another and to us. And there's a support system there that no matter what they go through, they know they've got people behind them is the most magical thing that I can see with the family. Heather Hester (40:33.233) Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I think there's that piece of realizing that control is an illusion. And so the fact that we think we can control our kids and we can control the outcome of their lives is not, right? So the sooner we realize like, we have these little beings and like, What are their passions? What do they love? What do they want to, you what did they, how do they see the world? Right? What are they imagining? And, you know, exactly to your point and kind of at the same time, allowing that movie reel we created, it needs to fall apart. It needs to fall away. So doing the work that we have to do to be like, okay, yeah, I did create that. And I, I really did love that outcome for whatever reason. those things for whatever reason. And I'm gonna be okay with letting it go because I see my kid over here and my gosh, they're so happy. And they're so just like experiencing life in a way that I never imagined it could be experienced. they're human, they're human, right? So they're having the whole human experience. And which means there are gonna always be struggles, there are gonna always be peaks and valleys and all of that because that's part of being human. Dr. Cam (42:04.652) Yeah, I think that's the biggest thing. job is not to protect them from themselves or from the world. Our job is to support them and let them know they can handle whatever comes their way. And we're going to be there for them. Heather Hester (42:17.195) Exactly. Yep. Teaching resilience, teaching, you know, yeah, that they can do this. They can go out there in that big world and do it. you know, at the of the day, we're always here to be a listening ear, to do what needs to be done, right? Dr. Cam (42:39.118) So Heather, how do people find you, particularly if they're looking for support? Heather Hester (42:46.083) Absolutely. Yes. So I, my website is the best way to find me. You can contact me right through there through the contact page. It's chrysalismama.com, which is C-H-R-Y-S-A-L-I-S-M-A-M-A.com. I think that is really the best way that you can find me. The podcast is Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, and that is everywhere podcasts are. So that is a good way just to listen in. But yes, reaching out to me directly. I love when people reach out. I love talking with other parents and working with other parents. so bring it on. Dr. Cam (43:32.97) I love it. And what is the one takeaway you want parents to have from this conversation? Heather Hester (43:39.685) my goodness. I think kind of the thread we have been pulling this entire time, which is it doesn't need to be difficult. Just love them, love them unconditionally and really embracing and understanding that that meaning of unconditional love and just holding that space for them. Yeah. Dr. Cam (44:05.824) I love it. Thank you so much for joining us, Heather. Heather Hester (44:08.989) Thank you so much for having me.