Episodes

4d ago

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle continue their conversation with Dr. Rob about awakening sexuality to create a healthy sexual identity, especially after betrayal or trauma. Their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma offers a personalized process to learning about your own sexuality, regardless of experiences you have had in the past. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Vanessa’s perspective on sex workers. [6:29] If you love me, you wouldn’t do this. [10:13] Betrayed partners get to choose what they are going to do next. [13:40] Compartmentalizing addictive and betrayal behavior. [15:52] Creating a healthy sexual partnership. [19:36] The danger of comparing your sex life to porn. [22:42] Learning about intimacy from the queer community. [25:29] The shame of non-sexual but intimate couples. [27:31] Slow moving steps in healing from betrayal. [31:45] Faith-based sexuality. [35:36] Awakening your sexuality through a personalized process. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Stephanie Covington Dr. Vanessa Carlisle Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “It is a fallacy to believe that the people who love us will never hurt us.” “Betrayed partners get to choose what they’re going to do about the situation they're in.” “Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t respect?” “You can’t use porn as your sex teacher. You’ve got to use your own body.”

4d ago

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle join Dr. Rob to discuss their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma . They discuss the facts and myths of true intimacy, appropriate healing timelines after betrayal, and the danger of believing that sex is the only worthy expression of intimacy in a healthy and committed relationship. TAKEAWAYS: [3:42] Seeking connection and intimacy after addiction and trauma. [6:29] A timeline for dealing with trauma during recovery. [9:46] The role of facing trauma in healing. [11:15] Addressing the why of addictive behavior. [14:22] The challenge of culture on healthy sexuality. [17:33] Safety as an aphrodisiac. [20:20] Moving from betrayal to intimacy. [22:40] Myths surrounding sex and intimacy. [25:37] Small steps that lead to true intimacy. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Stephanie Covington Dr. Vanessa Carlisle Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Recovery is a slow, slow process.” “Asking why is a way to stay stuck.” “The depth of our need for sexual connection is not the problem.” “Safety is an aphrodisiac.” “Intimacy takes time.”

Dec 12

Chelsey Cole and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about narcissistic behavior. Chelsey outlines the impact that growing up with a narcissist can have on future relationships, the shame-rage cycle of a top-tier narcissist, and the signs that you are (most likely) not a narcissist, even if you occasionally act like one. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] The shame-rage cycle of a narcissist. [4:00] The top of the narcissistic scale. [6:17] Sociopathy, psychopathy, and narcissists and where they overlap. [7:55] The role of addiction in narcissism. [10:18] Chelsey’s personal experience with narcissism. [14:21] The impact of growing up with a narcissist. [16:11] Am I a narcissist too? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Chelsey Cole Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Narcissists do not deal with shame. They have the shame-rage cycle.” “To a narcissist, your pain is proof of their power.” “Anyone who is active in their addiction is going to look narcissistic.” “Narcissism presents in patterns of behavior over time.”

Dec 11

Chelsey Cole is a psychotherapist focusing on narcissistic abuse and complex trauma. She is the best-selling author of If Only I’d Known , and has joined Dr. Rob to explore what narcissism really is and what it isn’t. She offers clear signs and strategies of a grandiose narcissist, and offers hope for any partner who has been frustrated by assuming their narcissistic partner views relationships through the same lens they do. Unless you understand the views of a narcissist, you will never succeed in true communication and connection with them. TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Is he just selfish or is he a true narcissist? [5:26] Characteristics of the grandiose narcissist. [9:38] The danger of transactional views of relationships. [10:31] Stages of the narcissist spectrum. [14:45] Remorse motivation in a narcissist’s mind. [17:07] Steps in the cycle of narcissistic abuse. [20:03] Characteristics of the moderate to severe narcissists. [23:01] You’re not crazy! Narcissists actually want the conflict you are avoiding. [25:49] Pathological insecurity versus healthy insecurity. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Chelsey Cole Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “True narcissists don’t have the stuff that it takes to create deep, committed relationships.” “Narcissists believe they are always the exception to every rule.” “For a true narcissist, their default is to not care about you, and to put their needs first.” “Narcissists actually seek the conflict you are avoiding.”

Dec 4

Crystal Hollenbeck and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the power and purpose of triggers, the appropriate time to utilize communication skills, and each of the seven steps of the CALMING model, including handling residual anger and resentment. We often think that anger is the only option for control after betrayal, but Crystal challenges this limiting belief and offers hope to anyone who is ready to move on from an angry life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:52] Why should I do anything? He betrayed me. [5:42] Triggers are normal and can be helpful. [7:27] What to expect from the leveling stage. [13:13] The management and intuition stages of CALMING. [20:21] Trusting your intuition after betrayal. [25:17] The role of forgiveness in healing. [30:41] This behavior increases the likelihood of repeat betrayal. [32:30] Boundaries are protection, not restriction. [34:35] Grieving loss and recognizing the positives of post-traumatic growth. [43:44] Moving on after grief is possible. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Crystal Hollenbeck Betrayal Healing Conference Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “This is part of your story now. You have to talk about it.” “I have never seen a client not be grateful for healing work, because they come in with wounds they didn’t know exist.” “Forgiveness is for you, not the person that harmed you.” “Boundaries are protection, not restriction.” “We never stop grieving. We learn to live with grief.”

Dec 4

Crystal Hollenbeck has returned to the podcast to discuss a new resource for anyone who is dealing with betrayal trauma anger. She and Dr. Rob define this healthy emotion in the healing process, discuss her new book Betrayal Trauma Anger and explore anger management options available to help betrayed partners calm down and move forward. TAKEAWAYS: [1:52] A new resource for managing anger after betrayal and trauma. [3:25] Defining betrayal trauma anger. [4:23] The motivation behind Crystal’s new book. [7:01] 3 significant experiences of a betrayed partner. [8:20] The danger of repressing anger. [9:58] “I don’t like who I’ve become.” Now what? [12:25] What being betrayed says about you. [14:43] The reward in Crystal’s work. [16:10] Trauma and broken attachments. [19:21] 7 stages of recovery with anger. [24:01] When is enough punishment enough? [25:13] First steps in the CALMING model. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Crystal Hollenbeck Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “You’re not crazy, you’re angry. And you should be.” “When you are betraying someone, you are abusing them.” “Being betrayed does not mean you are stupid or foolish.” “You are not responsible for what your partner did. Period.”

Nov 20

Tammy Gustafson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about creating emotional space between you and your betraying partner. They discuss the power of actually feeling all of your feelings, and the importance of allowing fun and play in the healing process. Tammy offers free resources for finding peace, and underscores the power that comes with surviving and thriving after betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:23] You don’t have control over your partner’s behavior. Now what? [4:22] Shifting from safety seeking in others to self. [7:35] Pumping the well of your soul. [8:52] The danger of suppressing your anger and sadness. [13:00] Allowing the flow of emotions while grieving. [17:01] Free resources for finding peace. [21:07] The role of fun and play in healing. [25:06] Moving toward the best version of yourself through healing. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tammy Gustafson Betrayal Healing Conference Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “Over time, the way that we start to heal… is a version of healthy detachment.” ● “There is an energy to anger that has a purpose.” ● “Part of the grieving process is allowing the flow of emotions to go through you.” ● “You cannot heal your heart with your head.”

Nov 20

Tammy Gustafson is a licensed professional counselor and coach who focused on trauma, PTSD, and EMDR before her own marriage imploded. She now works with others who are facing betrayal, focusing on women who have been betrayed to help them find their worth and strength again. Together, she and Dr. Rob discuss healing after betrayal and regaining trust in your partner, but more importantly, in yourself. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Tammy’s reluctant, and now passionate journey toward betrayal counseling. [4:30] The personal element of Tammy’s services. [6:05] Growing into the best version of yourself after betrayal. [9:03] What if I can’t feel my feelings? [11:20] The process of healing requires the help of others. [12:52] It is never your fault that your partner betrayed you. [15:30] What if my anger is directed at the other woman? [17:25] Rebuilding trust after betrayal. [21:07] How can I trust myself again? [25:00] Resetting the nervous system. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tammy Gustafson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “We can’t hide from our emotions and heal.” ● “The grieving process is the healing process.” ● “Healing is a thousand times easier with the help of other people.” ● “Power is the ability to influence, or to resist influence.”

Oct 7

Carol Juergensen Sheets and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about healing as a couple. Carol defines the six primary needs of every person, ways to create meaningful connection, and what it means to be brave and do it anyway throughout a couple’s healing journey. TAKEAWAYS: [1:23] Where do couples start with healing? [3:27] Transactional sex versus emotional connection. [4:13] First steps with couples work – what do you need that you aren’t getting? [6:03] Defining the 6 primary needs of every person. [9:40] Creating meaningful ways for connection. [11:56] Helping couples heal starts here. [14:15] Do you know your own strengths? [15:05] Be brave and do it anyway. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Carol Juergensen Sheets Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “You need to be seen as a couple that is not in distress.” ● “Create ways that you can look forward to connection.” ● “I want couples to work through their trauma with each other.” ● “You have to do what will make your partner feel safe.”

Oct 7

Carol Juergensen Sheets joins Dr. Rob for an in-depth conversation about what it really takes for both partners to heal after betrayal and trauma. Carol focuses on empathy in recovery, understanding triggers, and the signs that indicate that it is safe for a couple to move toward each other again. She also addresses the importance of support groups in healing and answers the classic question – do women really need other women? TAKEAWAYS: [2:56] Carol has been supporting healing in sex addicts couples since 2005. [5:55] Betrayed spouses aren’t crazy, they’re traumatized. [7:57] The Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model. [10:38] The danger of fact checking and hypervigilance after trauma. [14:10] The sustaining hope of feeling connected to your partner. [15:25] Empathy broken down into 4 actionable parts. [20:05] How to desensitize the desire to shut down after being triggered. [22:52] Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it? [26:33] When is it safe to move toward the coupleship again? [28:25] Shifting away from if/then interactions toward stability. [31:11] Healthy detachment leads to healing. [36:07] Do women really need other women? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Carol Juergensen Sheets Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “I don’t want someone calling me 24/7, I want them to develop a fellowship out there that can also help to guide them.” ● “You can’t just stop negative behaviors, you have to replace them with something good.” ● “You can be in conflict but not withdraw.” ● “Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it?”

Sep 12

Dr. Jenn Kennedy and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about finding satisfaction and intimacy after 50. They consider what it means to truly become a better person and partner, to evolve beyond betrayal toward empathy and intimacy. We often think that intimacy equals sex, but Dr. Kennedy challenges that notion and defines what a satisfied, committed relationship can really look like in the later years of life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The impact of infidelity on a committed sexual relationship. [7:20] Infidelity in a mature vs. younger couple. [13:03] Intimacy, not just sex, is the ultimate goal. [17:40] From discovery to reconnecting sexually, eventually. [27:07] Moving from ‘I’m sorry to ‘I’m sorry I put you through that’. [32:40] Reintroducing touch and talking without the expectation of sex. [38:13] Scheduled sex and other tactics for navigating sexuality in older age. [43:20] Train your mind to choose your partner. [44:57] Battling the psychological landmine is not required to resume intimacy. [46:40] What if we just don’t want to have sex anymore? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Jenn Kennedy Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “The breakdown in intimacy after infidelity is real.” ● “If the addict doesn’t start to actually change and show some progress, their sex life probably isn’t going to change either.” ● “Wherever you place your focus, growth will occur.” ● “You can have great intimacy and not have sex.”

Sep 12

Dr. Jenn Kennedy joins Dr. Rob to explore a rarely discussed topic – sexuality for the more seasoned. Dr. Kennedy tackles the two main ‘D’s’ of sexuality that bring couples into therapy after 50, considers what ‘better’ sex really looks like, and shares some of the main talking points that should be discussed in any conversation about sexuality as we age. Because like it or not, these are issues that every person has to face as they get older. TAKEAWAYS: [2:23] Dr. Kennedy’s third career tackles the topics that many therapist avoid. [4:50] Generalities in sexuality expectations and roles over 50. [8:35] Women over 50, their relationships and their sexuality. [10:42] Presenting problems that bring couples to Dr. Kennedy. [12:30] Dissatisfaction in a committed couple’s sex history. [18:50] Do men know how to ask for what they want? [24:05] Dysfunction is the greatest motivator for couples sex therapy. [28:38] What does ‘better sex’ really look like? [31:12] How body image impacts sexuality as we age. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Jenn Kennedy Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “The bedroom is a microcosm of the larger life.” ● “50 and beyond, more and more men are going to start having erectile dysfunction.” ● “The quality of the relationship has to feel work the tradeoff of the objectification of youth.” ● “When they’re able to articulate it, men say they want to be wanted.” ● “Your motivation to having sex matters.”

Jul 31

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall continue their conversation about therapeutic separation, focusing on the impact that separation can have on children at different ages and stages. They explore ways to prove safety and stability for children throughout the process, navigating family events during separation, and why couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. This conversation provides exceptional insights into a critical step of healing after betrayal that can result in a stronger partnership. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] External factors that contribute to the pressure of separation or divorce. [3:16] Explaining separation to children in healthy and age-appropriate ways. [7:00] Taking appropriate ownership in the face of external influences and challenges. [10:09] Providing safety and stability for children despite anger and pain. [11:22] Navigating family events throughout therapeutic separation. [13:45] Building trust during the therapeutic separation process. [16:56] The challenges of therapeutic separation when affairs are involved. [19:02] Couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lindsey Stanley Dr. Stevie Hall Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Share with children what is in their best health and wellness to know.” “You can acknowledge the pain and hurt to your kids, but you don’t necessarily have to share all the things with them.” “There needs to be an agreed upon script when disclosing to children.” “Privacy and honesty are different things.”

Jul 31

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall define and discuss therapeutic separation, an intentional process crafted to help bring about safety, stability, and individual and relational insight. They consider the different types of therapeutic separation, the benefits of each approach, and how separation can be the greatest gift that a betraying partner can offer their spouse. TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Defining therapeutic separation as a structured and temporary step in recovery. [3:55] Is active separation headed toward divorce? [5:25] Different types of separation offer different benefits. [7:35] Maintaining boundaries while living in roommate mode. [9:20] Legal separation versus legal divorce. [11:50] Permanent separation indicates maintaining a marriage that you don’t intend to reconcile. [13:35] External and internal factors that motivate people to separate or not. [15:34] Negotiating differing partner desires between reconciliation and divorce. [17:36] Factors that contribute to a successful therapeutic separation. [21:20] Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping your relationship heal. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lindsey Stanley Dr. Stevie Hall Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Separation can allow you to disengage emotionally while you seek clarity and healing.” “Permanent separation indicates that you are not pursuing reconciliation, but you are also not pursuing divorce.” “At times there needs to be an intentional pause on the relationship because the cycle the couple is in is creating so much destruction.” “Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping, and you are supporting.”

Jul 8

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen continue their discussion about discernment counseling. They consider how to determine what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce process, how to protect children and pets throughout the journey, and realistic timelines when addiction is a factor in a relationship. Arlene shares advice, resources, and a message of hope and healing in the collaborative divorce process. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Determining what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce. [5:42] Child welfare versus child safety in court order agreements. [8:10] Timeline possibilities when addiction is at play. [11:20] Handling chronic lying in a legal setting. [15:55] A message of hope in the collaborative divorce process. [18:09] Is there a simple way to know that I should get divorced? [23:00] Guidelines for an effective separation period. [29:35] Determining the right next step based on your current stage of life. [32:32] Navigating divorce in a non-legal partnership. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Arlene Rosen Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “You can make agreements about what will be talked about your addiction in your divorce.” “Why do more damage when you’ve decided not to live together anymore?” “The collaborative divorce process is simply more respectful.” “The collaborative divorce process has the most opportunity for people to get back together.”

Jul 8

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen explore the options available to couples who are on the fence about staying together or separating. They discuss discernment counseling, litigation, and collaborative divorce; and consider the benefits and difficulties associated with each route. Arlene is an advocate of restructuring the marriage or divorce through a discernment counseling process, and she shares the value of engaging in discernment counseling to explore whether there is really any breath left in a relationship. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] The driver behind Arlene’s work with addiction and divorce. [4:39] The role and value of a mediator in divorce. [6:30] Litigation and court process horror stories. [10:38] Discernment counseling as a preliminary divorce consideration. [13:10] Restructuring the marriage through a discernment counseling process. [14:30] Separation is always on the table. [17:15] Discernment counseling explores whether there is any breath left in a relationship. [19:53] Collaborative divorce is an excellent alternative to traditional divorce. [25:49] First steps in getting started with collaborative divorce. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Arlene Rosen Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Discernment counseling is a protocol for when one person is leaning out of a relationship and the other person is leaning in.” “Discernment counseling is not for people who have already made a decision about divorce.” “Discernment counseling is an opportunity to determine if you are willing to meet the other person’s needs and to work on this relationship.”

May 15

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty consider the role of a therapist as a witness – one that supports with empathy and compassion. They share the questions to ask a therapist before the first session, and how to identify the right trauma therapist that will lead you to recovery and healing. Healing is meant to happen in communities, and together Dr. Rob and O’Flaherty inspire and encourage listeners to connect with those that can be a witness to healing. TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] The place for empathy and compassion. [3:25] Finding the right trauma therapist. [5:10] Questions to ask therapists before the first session. [8:25] A good therapist is the first medicine in healing. [11:53] Dr. O’Flaherty’s book Flight with Weighted Wings . [15:45] Healing happens in community. [19:29] Connecting with Dr. O’Flaherty. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “If you have wounded me, it may not be my job initially to have empathy for you.” “How do you feel when you sit with a therapist?” “The best therapy is not about the work, it’s about the relationship.” “Healing happens in community.”

May 15

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore witnesses – the people who have seen your experiences and are ready to help you move forward. When you begin questioning whether your experience was real, why you acted out the way you did, or what really happened, a witness can offer direction and healing as you move forward, without the demonization and destigmatization that often faces addicts. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences. TAKEAWAYS: [3:27] What does recovery mean? [6:15] Who do you want to take with, and who do you want to leave behind? [7:55] A witness will help shape your experience. [10:10] Pain and shame makes more sense with a witness’s perspective. [12:40] Where are the hospices for the addicted? [13:50] Overcoming prejudice against addicts in the recovering community. [20:58] Sex addiction and porn addiction garner very little support. [25:54] Education on healthy sexuality in recovery. [32:15] Reembracing sexuality in recovery. [34:47] Revealing trauma, then moving forward. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “A witness helps shape who we become and how we walk through life.” “Where are the hospices for the addicted?” “In the journey of healing, we need to give people hope.” “What we long for in a relationship is intimacy, and then sexuality.”

May 1

Adam Nisenson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about betrayed men. They share the worst advice a betrayed man can hear, how to determine if reconciliation is the right next step, and the reality that being cheated on does not justify cheating. Adam shares resources, including The ManKind Project, that have helped him through his own healing and how to engage men who have no interest in therapy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Reconciling is possible, but not always preferred. [3:40] Therapy for the men who have no interest in therapy. [7:20] 12-Step programs for betrayed men. [9:55] She cheated, should I have sex with someone else? [11:45] The worst advice a betrayed man can hear. [14:51] Determining if reconciliation is the right next step. [17:36] My needs aren’t being met. Does that justify cheating? [19:39] The ManKind Project. [24:02] Does age affect a man’s ability to heal from betrayal? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Adam Nisenson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “She might have done this to you, but it’s also happening to you. What do you want to do about it?” “If you need help, ask for help!” “Even if your partner cheated on you, that doesn’t give you permission to cheat.”

Apr 24

Adam Nisenson, also known as The Betrayal Shrink, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Together with Dr. Rob he highlights the need for betrayed men to have support and healing just as much as women do. He shares his own healing journey, the support that he offers men who have been betrayed, and why he believes that his own betrayal experience was actually worth it. TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] The depth of Adam’s betrayal as a man. [6:20] Adam recalls his feelings on D-Day. [8:52] The importance of having a safe, supportive place to grieve. [9:50] Rediscovering self-worth when reconciling or separating. [13:53] Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power. [17:55] Navigating betrayal from a child’s perspective. [20:02] Adam’s decision to support other betrayed men. [22:45] Key differences between betrayed men and women. [26:44] Is it just sex? Or is it love? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Adam Nisenson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Having a safe, healthy place to grieve and be seen was a game-changer for me.” “Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.” “I wanted to make therapy cool for men.” “Emotional betrayal is just as painful as physical betrayal, and they both destroy trust.” “It was through my pain that I discovered who I really was.”

Apr 17

Erin Snow is the Clinical Director at Seeking Integrity, CSAT, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She and Dr. Rob discuss a week-by-week overview of residential treatment, the key points of trauma work and treatment, and the hope that she regularly sees as addicts encounter consequences, confront early trauma, and what it really takes to heal individuals and their loved ones from addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Erin’s journey toward Seeking Integrity. [4:50] The healing at Seeking Integrity focuses on much more than sex addiction. [7:41] Key points of trauma work and treatment. [12:15] Why is my partner connecting to their therapist but not me? [13:43] A week-by-week overview of residential treatment. [20:29] Attachment and connection are not what a spouse is thinking about. [26:28] Why isn’t our relationship enough to make him change? [31:00] What is it like for Erin being a woman working with addict men? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Erin Snow Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “I can see an opportunity for my clients to find meaning in living again.” “In trauma work, you can lose yourself in the why and never move to the place of how to move on from this.” “Healing happens the way it's supposed to as long as you’re doing the next right thing.”

Mar 27

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz continue their discussion about the connection between intimacy and sex. She highlights the role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal, addresses the myths of monogamy, and counters the dangerous statement that too many betraying partners tell themselves, because what you don’t know actually will hurt you, will hurt your partner, and will hurt everyone around you. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Coming to peace with the trauma that happens in betrayal. [4:25] Who were you before you came into this relationship? [6:02] The power of opening up when overcoming betrayal trauma. [9:08] The role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal. [11:10] What does monogamy look like in humans? [14:28] The deeper hurt that comes when love appears while cheating. [19:15] What you don’t know won’t hurt you, or will it? [21:20] Connect with Dr. Erika Schwartz. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Erika Schwartz Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “If humans are monogamous, why are we all having affairs? It’s because monogamy is a choice.” “Sexuality and intimacy are not the same. That’s when we start behaving differently.” “Love is the core of everything. If it’s love, move out of the way.” “What you don’t know will hurt me, will hurt you, and will hurt everyone around you.”

Mar 20

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz discuss the connection between intimacy and sex – what it is, how it varies based on age, gender, and culture, and what a partner’s betrayal really means about the relationship. The author of The Intimacy Solution , Dr. Erika explores the connection between sex and intimacy at all stages of life and answers the question that so many betrayed partners grapple with – “If you really loved me, why would you do this?” TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Erica defines the key differences between sex and intimacy. [4:45] Gender and cultural insights into sex and intimacy. [7:48] The link between the pathology of addicts and lack of communication in relationships. [10:27] “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do this.” [14:42] The reasons partners choose to leave or to stay. [16:15] The danger of trying to hold on to the intensity of the 18-year-old life. [17:34] Oxytocin is a key component of intimacy and connection. [21:52] Does “in sickness and in health” apply to betrayal and addiction? [27:15] Your partner’s addiction isn’t about you, but it is about honoring the truth. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Erika Schwartz Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “You can live a much easier life if you see how the other side views sexuality and intimacy.” “There is a lot in sexuality that we don’t talk about that we should be talking about.” “You have to figure out how to fix your problem. Your partner can’t do it for you.” “If they are everything to you, then you are nothing to yourself.”

Jan 2

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty continue their discussion about trauma. How can recovering addicts find the healing that they need when trauma is still unknown? How can you gather the right team to support you in your recovery work? How can you find peace following big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma? They answer these questions and consider the gift of working on yourself and the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your voice as you navigate your recovery journey. TAKEAWAYS: [1:27] How can I find the right therapist to help with my trauma work? [5:25] The importance of gathering the right team to support you in recovery work. [7:20] Seeking Integrity resources that are available when finances are limited. [9:28] Differences between big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma. [12:35] Facing the haunting vision that triggers you. [19:10] How can I come to peace following such major violations? [24:02] Approaching brokenness and filling the void that once came with betrayal. [26:06] The focus of the Seeking Integrity women’s intensives is not on the spouse. [28:17] Are you ready to accept the consequences of doing whatever you want? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Interview your therapist and find out what experience they have in trauma.” “The beginning of trauma work is awareness.” “I want you to discover the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your own voice.” “For every piece of work you can do on yourself, you are offering a gift to someone else.”

Dec 26, 2024

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore trauma – what exactly is it, how does it come about, and what can you do about it? They consider the wounded healer, the importance of integrating all lived experiences to become whole again, and the role of self-forgiveness in overcoming trauma. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma, and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences. TAKEAWAYS: [1:21] A little bit about Dr. O’Flaherty and her passion for trauma recovery. [3:54] Dr. O’Flaherty is celebrating 47 years of personal recovery. [5:40] The archetype of the wounded healer. [7:31] Integrating all of our experiences is an essential part of becoming whole. [9:18] Trauma happens outside an individual’s coping skills. [11:20] Trauma will not leave you alone until you do trauma work. [12:31] Self forgiveness is an essential first step to overcoming reenacting. [16:44] Ancestral trauma can impact you and the next generation. [20:42] My husband has been cheating on me. Why does ancestral trauma matter? [22:50] Incident trauma happens when an event changes a person’s entire life. [25:45] The impact of combat trauma and prolonged trauma. [28:02] The concept of trauma has been overutilized. What can you do to heal? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “We’re all wounded in some form or another.” “We have to take back those wounded parts of us that we want to banish out of our minds.” “A traumatic event is so extraordinary that it is outside the individual’s coping abilities.” “Trauma will not leave you alone. It continues to raise it’s ugly head.” “We go into the vortex of the pain to take the power out of the memory.” “That which is not transformed is transmitted to the next generation.”

Nov 27, 2024

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper continue their discussion about codependency, boundaries, and the communal value of sharing your experience with others who have found themselves in similar situations. Tamara highlights the Empowered Women Retreat, a place for betrayed partners to heal in a safe and supportive space, as well as affordable options for healing for those who don’t have the resources for therapy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:13] How does codependency fit into addiction and trauma betrayal? [4:15] Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family. [7:01] The model at Seeking Integrity is entirely supportive and judgement free. [9:37] Setting boundaries is an essential step toward help and healing. [11:48] Details about the Empowered Women Retreat. [15:15] The communal power of sharing your experience with others. [21:17] Where to turn when your spouse can’t be your go-to person anymore. [27:25] Offering love to your addict can give them hope in themselves. [29:05] Options for healing when you don’t have the resources for therapy. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tamara Cooper QUOTES: “Addiction is a team sport. You don’t just run the race, you drag the whole bench out with you.” “If you haven’t walked a mile in the addiction shoe, I wouldn’t suggest you don’t talk about how the shoe fits.” “When we set boundaries, that is the ask for help.” “As addicts, they don’t feel worthy of love, and they can’t understand why anyone, especially the person they hurt so much, would still have love for them. And that gives them hope for themselves.”

Nov 21, 2024

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper explore the isolating and painful blaming and shaming that betrayed partners often experience while their partners are surrounded by support. Betrayed partners often torture themselves by asking what they could have done differently to prevent their partner from acting out, and Tamara has an answer for that. Her passion for supporting betrayed partners is obvious and genuine, and she offers a glimpse into the hope and healing that can be yours if you allow it. TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] A little bit about Tamara and her work with betrayal trauma. [5:10] Normalizing betrayal is a central focus of Tamara’s work. [8:34] ‘I should have’... Betrayed partners have to stop wondering what they could have done differently. [12:05] Why can’t I stop blaming myself for my partner’s betrayal? [14:20] The choices that your partner makes has nothing to do with you. [16:51] Anger, control, and self-doubt are a dangerous combination in recovery. [20:40] Unhealthy and extreme behaviors in the betrayed are an attempt to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. [23:31] Isolation is a painful and common side effect of betrayal. [27:52] An overview of Tamara’s interactions with the betrayed partners that she supports. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tamara Cooper QUOTES: “After betrayal, but it’s normal to feel like you’re losing your mind.” “I am carefully and slowly speaking logic into where the core belief system has been derailed.” “Betrayal is a disease that doesn’t make any sense, and it’s maddening.” “We are born wanting to connect with someone else, and when you are out there by yourself, if someone pulls alongside you and sticks their arm out, you hold on for dear life.”

Oct 15, 2024

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more! TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind? [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through. [6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here? [8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you. [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person. [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do? [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them. [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.” “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.” “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

Sep 26, 2024

Dr. Rob and Lora continue their discussion about self-awareness and honoring self while also thriving in a connected partnership. Leaving your partner doesn’t make the pain entirely go away, so you have to work to honor yourself whether you choose to stay or leave. Surround yourself with people who can support you and remind you of who you really are beyond what happened to you. There are great motivating factors behind an affair and an addiction, and understanding both will make all the difference in what you can expect as you heal after betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] How can you hold onto yourself and also thrive in a connected partnership? [5:00] You may have been hurt, but you deserve to remember who you really are. [6:43] Your life isn’t over, it’s evolving. [8:00] When you were hurt, you were crushed. Now is the time to flaunt yourself! [10:14] It’s hard to be a beginner, but lean into the laughter of trying new things. [14:00] Trusting yourself can get you exactly where you want to be. [15:05] What is an affair vs. an addictive problem? [18:00] It is not your fault. When people cheat they are doing it for their reasons. [20:22] Is it naive for a woman to think she won’t be cheated on by a man? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle QUOTES: “You may have been victimized, but you have to start remembering who you are.” “Trust yourself, and seek out outside support and wisdom.” “Addiction is a tool that the other person is using to make themselves feel better, and the tool is never going to solve it.” “Trust is the backbone of our relationships.”

Sep 19, 2024

Lora Cheadle joins Dr. Rob to discuss the journey of self-discovery that the spouse must take after betrayal. Moments of vulnerability and self-disclosure can bring happiness into a healing marriage while also triggering feelings of old hurt, leaving spouses feeling angry and confused about whether or not they really trust their partner again. Lora understands that while you may have been victimized, you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim. TAKEAWAYS: [1:59] A little bit about Lora Cheadle and why she wanted to share her personal experience as a recovering spouse. [5:00] Betrayal can come as a result of spouse control and manipulation. [7:28] Transactional relationships are set up for failure. [10:28] You were victimized by your spouse’s betrayal – don’t let anyone minimize that for you – but you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim. [15:03] As a partner, you can support your spouse without taking on the full responsibility of their addiction. [16:07] How can you balance trust today with the possibility of future betrayal? [19:40] Self disclosure and vulnerability from your partner is key evidence that betrayal has stopped. [20:30] From a performative and transactional relationship to living her truth, Lora understands what a healthy marriage really looks like. [24:01] “She should have known better” – but addicts can be really good at hiding things. [26:12] Find someone who you can confide in who won’t judge you. [28:01] Yes, you can find peace in a support group of betrayed spouses. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle QUOTES: “Infidelity and betrayal, for me, was my opportunity to see in myself what I had missed before.” “If someone isn’t doing what I think they should, the problem is theirs, right? Wrong.” “I did not want my husband’s addiction to win. I wanted me to win.” “He is a different person, but I am a different person too, so we do this dance differently.”

Sep 12, 2024

Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward. One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups. If the first one isn’t a good fit, don’t give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse! TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works. [3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won’t automatically shift your behavior. [8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past. [11:28] If you’re acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help! [13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy. [16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction? [19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don’t allow it. [24:26] “I don’t belong there”- how to find the right support group for you. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey 12 Step Recovery QUOTES: “I didn’t want to make a complete lifestyle change. I wanted to get better, but avoid that.” “Addiction is so irresistible that knowing the causes is a nice intellectual pursuit but it doesn’t really help you on the ground.” “The 12 Step Program isn’t going to turn your husband into Prince Charming.” “You are healing and changing itself does not make you a loving, kind, empathing, engaged partner. It just means you stopped lying and stopped hating yourself.”

Sep 5, 2024

Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships. He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict. Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up. No matter what scenario you’re in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together. TAKEAWAYS: [2:24] What people don’t understand about addicts, from the partner perspective. [3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married. [6:30] From a spouse’s point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch. [7:50] ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one’ can’t resolve a loved one’s addiction. [10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate. [11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts. [12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom. [16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through. [18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery. [19:39] Geoff’s career of treating sex addicts didn’t start until he was in recovery. [22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn’t self-disclose to his patients. [24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey QUOTES: “From a spouses’ point of view, addiction must feel like a bait and switch.” “Reading literature about porn addiction helped broaden the picture to help her understand that this isn’t unique to me. This is a problem that many men experience.” “I can’t even imagine being a father and acting out, even though I know it happens all of the time.”

Jul 31, 2024

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Josh Nichols on some of the common tactics addicts and abusers use to gaslight their victims. In this episode, Josh focuses on the person who is receiving the gaslight treatment. Whatever you might be going through, there is no shame in staying with your addict. Sometimes the best thing for your family is to work through the issues, and sometimes the best thing for your family is for you to leave. Each case is individual to the person, but the most important thing you should know is that you’re not crazy and that your initial gut reaction is almost always correct! TAKEAWAYS: [1:35] Why do abusers work so hard to make someone think they’re crazy? [3:35] You’re not a bad person if you were on the receiving end of this treatment. [6:00] Abusers love to discredit your gut feelings and intuition, but your intuition is still accurate, deep down. [8:25] A healthy person wants to have a conversation about an issue or a feeling they’re having, the gaslighter does not. They want you to be distracted by something else. [11:45] It’s okay to question someone else’s version of reality. [13:15] You’re not a weak person for staying with an abuser. [15:25] What made Josh so interested in this subject? [19:40] You’re not alone in your pain. There are many people who have had to deal with a gaslighter. [20:00] You are not this bad person that your abuser has made you out to be! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Familysolutionsok.com QUOTES: “Abusers do it in such a way where they make you feel silly, stupid, or crazy. They teach you to not trust your gut, but your gut is still accurate.” “A healthy person wants to have more conversation about it, a gaslighter does not. The whole goal is to get you off my trail.” “Sometimes courage is leaving, and sometimes courage is staying.”

Jul 18, 2024

Dr. Rob talks with Josh Nichols about common gaslighting tactics addicts and manipulative people tend to use. We like to think the world might be full of these calculating abusers, but often times these tactics are used as a knee-jerk reaction and come from a place of survival. Today, Josh offers some tips on how to spot a gaslighter and what you might be feeling from some of their gaslighting actions. TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] A little bit about Josh and why he wanted to talk about gaslighting. [2:55] What’s the difference between gaslighting and lair? [5:40] Victims feel like they’re going crazy and feel such relief when a therapist finally validates their thoughts. [8:30] Why do people gaslight other people? [10:45] A common tactic these people use is to confirm your belief in that person and then they will use this as leverage to deny your own reality. [14:00] These people tend not to be psychopaths or sociopaths. They’re just trying to maintain control. [17:25] A person will often try to use different tactics to cover up their gaslighting. What does this look like? [18:00] There are three archetypes you have to look out for: The blame shifter, the victim, and the self-shamer. [24:25] Unfortunately, gaslighters love to exploit your trust and sense of safety you have with that person. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Familysolutionsok.com QUOTES: “These people are exploiting some kind of vulnerability and they can exploit the trust and love in the relationship.” “Addicts have maladaptive coping mechanisms and are really good survivors, and gaslighting becomes one of the tools.” “Gaslighters have three different types: The blame shifter, the victim, and the self-shamer.”

May 3, 2024

Heather Cronemiller and Lacy Bentley join Dr. Rob to talk about female sex addiction and the damage it can cause families. Both Lacy and Heather share their personal experience with being the ‘other woman’ and how, despite it going against everything they believed in, they still continued down a path of destruction. When it comes to any form of addiction, what we're really fighting against is deeply broken attachment wounds. Find out more on today’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] A little bit about Lacy and how she got introduced with Dr. Rob. [3:20] A little bit about Heather and how she met Dr. Rob. [5:30] Despite being married, Heather felt like she wasn’t with her soul mate. Everything she thought love was, was wrong. [6:15] What does mature love feel like? [8:55] Heather realized through her own recovery, her husband is a wonderful man and replacing him with the ‘flavor of the month’ won’t fix the problem. [13:35] What is polygamy and does it actually exist? Is it just a mask for sex addiction? [21:00] Why is sex ‘never enough’ when working with sex addicts? [23:35] What does it look like to work with someone like Lacy as a female sex addict? [25:00] Heather shares her personal experience working with Lacy and how it helped her move forward and on a healthier path of recovery. [26:15] Heather talks about her recovery journey and what that looks like for her. [30:15] Lucy and Heather talk about their upcoming book, Going Deeper for Women! [38:15] How does addiction bleed into other aspects of our lives? [41:10] Heather shares why their book is going to help any woman going through addiction. [47:10] There are nasty names we call women that we don’t call men, despite them both doing the same actions. [50:50] Dr. Rob has met very few men who understand the experience of a woman and what she has to deal with when she goes out into the world. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Herrecoveryroadmap.com Oakhaven-counseling.com Going Deeper for Women QUOTES: “Mature love is a choice and that can be complicated to say because it doesn’t feel like a choice.” “How many partners do you need for it to be ‘enough’? In sex addiction, it’s never enough.” “We are dealing with attachment wounds. We are dealing with childhood trauma. We’re not dealing with a woman who has a fully functional relational brain..”

Mar 16, 2024

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands’ addictions and how they got through it. TAKEAWAYS: [3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it’s difficult to hide or protect your children from what’s happening within your household. [4:20] Melissa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage. [4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle. [6:45] Did Annie’s husband’s porn use affect their intimate life? [12:55] When Melissa joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn’t going through this journey alone. [23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up. [30:50] Melissa knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn’t know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself. [33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends. [39:15] How did Melissa and Annie meet? They’re so grateful for each other and their support! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past QUOTES: “You trust your spouse and it’s something that you never expected to happen. I never expected to find what I found.” “I knew my friends were trustworthy, but I couldn’t go to my friends and be like, ‘guess what I discovered now’. At least, I couldn’t.” “I will never be grateful this happened to me, but I am grateful that because it happened to me, I have made life-long friends.”

Mar 15, 2024

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal. [2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today? [3:50] When Melissa first found out about the betrayal, she didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does. [6:25] Melissa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn’t. [13:00] What made Melissa throw her husband out of the house? [14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs? [20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship? [20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years. [27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn’ means these days. It’s not just looking at a naked image anymore! [28:50] Guys look at porn, what’s the big deal? [31:15] Melissa’s husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late’. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put her finger on why or what. [32:45] Melissa’s husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children’s lives because of his addiction. [36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband’s addiction, all the attention went to him. That’s when she felt so alone. [38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband’s CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support! [40:40] Melissa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up. [41:15] Melissa found out that their couple’s therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple’s therapist. If you’re a therapist, don’t do this! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past QUOTES: “Anything that’s kept secret from the relationship is a betrayal. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a person or not. It’s all kept secrets and it’s all painful.” “Decades ago, when women left their husbands, they were scorned. Now, when we stay, they don’t understand.” “Just because he screws up doesn’t mean I’m going to throw my lift under a bus.”

Feb 15, 2024

Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not. TAKEAWAYS: [4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist. [10:10] Due to Jason’s rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others. [14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process. [21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people. [22:05] It’s important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you’re currently are. [25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth. [30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard. [37:45] There was a time in Jason’s life where going to therapy seemed impossible. [38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story? [40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past QUOTES: “We aspire to have something that only a different community will give us. If don’t have a different community, our current one just keeps us in the same spot.” “Be honest with where you’re at. So many times we fantasize how we want it to look.” “I think people always hurt people. Always. I don’t think people have gotten out of life without hurting other people, sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s not. ”

Feb 8, 2024

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner’s trust. TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] How could I compete with a porn star? [3:40] Women feel like if he’s watching porn, he’s checked out of the relationship. [5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so. [11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult? [14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails’ on it. [15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it’s going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that’s where you’re going to end up. [19:10] How can you rebuild trust again? [25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution QUOTES: “We depend on other human beings for our very survival. In order to survive as a human being, we need intimate connection with at least one other human being.” “What matters most in an intimate relationship is to feel seen, heard, and understood by your partner.” “If you have children, this affects them. The keeping of secrets, they feel all of that.”

Feb 1, 2024

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met. TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is porn cheating? [3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution? [7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal? [12:05] Porn, what’s the big deal? I’m not cheating on you! [18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply? [22:35] How can we regain a partner’s trust after a betrayal? [24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It’s okay to have needs! [29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people. [29:55] Porn isn’t the issue, it’s the trust! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution QUOTES: “When I talk to spouses about their experience of whether porn felt like a betrayal to the relationship, we got up to 80%. We have a population of female spouses who say it’s a big deal.” “It’s not the act of what you’re doing specifically, it’s the deception. It’s what you’ve hidden me that constitutes as the betrayal.” “It makes absolute sense why you’re reacting the way you are. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances.”

Jan 4, 2024

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal? TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Dec 21, 2023

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Nov 30, 2023

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it. TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again. [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’? [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice. [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out. [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support. [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history? [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what? [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple. [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Lucyberesford.com Lucy on LinkedIn Infidelity: to stay or go…? QUOTES: “I didn’t know I had permission not to have children. It showed me there are people out there who are making choices in their life for other people.” “What’s the impact of you living authentically? It’s one thing to be sad about the life you had, it’s another to assist in that sadness.” “How do I retain a sense of me while celebrating and nourishing ‘we’?”

Nov 16, 2023

Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again. TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on? [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you’re going to war. You’re no longer in a time of peace. [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn’t get divorced and that is not the same. [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won’t be able to help you with that. [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change? [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it’s important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can’t be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true’ persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Doctormoniquethompson.com/ Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples QUOTES: “If you’re choosing to stay, you’re choosing to go off to war. You’re not at home during peace time.” “Sometimes, people really didn’t choose to stay, they just didn’t get a divorce. That’s not the same.” “I ask couples if they are willing to set a peace treaty down for a period of time to be able to begin the work.”

Sep 28, 2023

Dr. Jamie Marich is a facilitator of transformative experiences. A clinical trauma specialist, expressive artist, writer, yoga teacher, performer, short filmmaker, Reiki master, TEDx speaker, and recovery advocate. Marich has taught conscious dance seminars at various conferences nationally, internationally, and online, and has trained more than 500 facilitators in the Dancing Mindfulness practice. She is also the author of several books including the original Trauma and the 12 Steps. Dr. Stephen Dansiger is a master EMDR therapist and provider of EMDR Basic Training and Advanced Topics Courses with the Institute for Creative Mindfulness, and has helped set up the premiere Buddhist addictions rehab center, Refuge Recovery Centers. He has been practicing Buddhist mindfulness for almost 30 years (including a one year residency at a Zen monastery), and teaches dharma classes regularly in Los Angeles and other centers internationally. TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Jamie and Dr. Stephen write a Trauma and the 12 Steps workbook? [6:40] Dr. Jamie loves writing books because it’s accessible for everyone, especially those who might not be able to afford therapy. [7:35] What made Dr. Stephen excited to collaborate with Dr. Jamie? [11:55] How do people heal their trauma while they’re also reliving it? [13:40] What is the greatest gift about being a therapist specializing in trauma? [17:00] Why throw 12-step practices into this mix of trauma and healing? [21:00] People enjoy the structure that 12 Steps brings and it makes it easier for them to follow a healing journey if they know what to expect. [30:00] Dr. Jamie talks about Step 6 and how it can perpetuate feelings of shame. [33:40] Now that you know about your trauma, what are the next steps? It’s important not to fall into a victim mindset. [43:30] What is mindfulness, really? [47:55] Many people who have come into a 12-step program have been wounded by God, and end up missing out on a wealth of knowledge and healing. [50:20] What books should you start with first? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjamiemarich.com Drdansiger.com Traumamadesimple.com QUOTES: “There is not a separation between trauma therapy and 12 Steps, and Buddhist practice. It all goes together.” “Hurt people hurt people, but how I really like to reframe that is trauma is this phononym where you can bleed all over each other.” “Yes I am responsible for adult behavior but I am not a bad person. I wasn’t responsible for what happened to me, but how I learned to adapt and survive, I am responsible for.”

Sep 7, 2023

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal? [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe. [7:25] What do couples complain the most about? [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don’t understand the internal errors that they’re making. [15:25] What happens if you’re stuck in a relationship ‘role’ that you don’t like? [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why. [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin QUOTES: “There are cultures where it’s emphatically insistent and people do grow up because the culture demands that you operate with each other.” “We do the same things that mess up relationships, no matter what kind of relationships they are, and we always will if we don’t understand our nature.” “Everything I am talking about is inline with being selfish. Being pro-relationship is being pro-self. They are one and the same.”

Aug 31, 2023

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love. TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let’s talk about conflict in a relationship. [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important’? [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up’, so it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship. [9:25] Someone might be something you’ve always wanted, but they’re also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don’t want’. It’s important to navigate through that. [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love. [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously? [23:00] When you’re in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way? [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It’s a team sport. [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you’ll make mistakes, you won’t be perfect, but you will get better at it. [33:30] How do you have agreement when there’s been a betrayal? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin QUOTES: “Conflict is a very human thing. If you’re a human primate, you’re going to get into conflict.” “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.” “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we’re still accountable if we’re going to play fair and work together.”

Aug 17, 2023

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Jay and Larry, two men in recovery, to help people understand that addiction is a lot more complex than it seems on the surface. The opinion you have of yourself can keep you stuck in destructive patterns. It’s so important to consciously put yourself in healthy and positive environments, like in a recovery or group program, if you ever wish to break free from the power of addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Larry had this internal dialogue going through his head, “This is just who you are.” [3:20] Larry’s wife found out about him acting out at least 4-5 times. He shares how it completely tore her about. [6:55] Larry didn’t realize all of his lies were causing his wife PTSD. [7:25] If there was anything that Larry could change, it would be to tell the truth and to tell it faster. [8:45] Jay was living in a fantasy world and he didn’t realize it was destroying the people who loved and cared for him. [13:05] Why did Jay go to a residential program? Wasn’t group therapy enough? [15:45] Jay was able to prove through actions that he was taking his recovery seriously. [18:00] Larry’s experience with Dr. Rob was life changing. [22:15] Mentorship is a very important piece to recovery. Jay has taken this on as part of his recovery and healing journey. [24:00] When you lose trust with the people you love, then you lose what really defines the relationship. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “What other people don’t know won’t hurt them; is probably the biggest lie in addiction.” “I would think I was telling the truth, but I wasn’t. I’d change a slight detail.” “A residential program accelerated my recovery. I was surrounded by people who were experts in the field and at the same time I had peers who made me feel safe.”

Aug 3, 2023

Dr. Rob speaks with two people in recovery, Jay and Larry, about their addiction and the type of damage it has caused their families. Jay and Larry also talk about why they felt comfort in their addictions and how their lives have been improved now that they are sober and aware of their problem. TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Why did Jay seek help and go to treatment? [4:15] Jay was frustrated that he couldn’t fix himself on his own. [5:25] Larry shares his experience with addiction. [6:05] Larry was so afraid of connecting with people, which is why he found comfort with porn. [9:15] At first, Larry thought it was his wife’s problem on why they were having issues. It turned out, it was his addiction that was the problem. [12:30] Why did it take Jay 45 years to seek professional help? [15:50] Jay’s first therapist did not believe in sex addiction. She thought he was just a liar. [18:55] Why did Larry keep telling his wife about the slips he had with porn? Why didn’t he just keep it a secret? [21:15] Larry knew it was unhealthy, and Larry knew it was terrible, but he couldn’t stop. [26:15] Jay talks a little bit about his childhood, and why he found comfort in sex with strangers. [30:00] When Jay would travel, it would trigger him because he was so lonely and he wanted to act out to fill the void. [32:35] Jay would try to use willpower for it to go away, but he just couldn’t sustain it. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “I tried to do this on my own, but it wasn’t until I got group therapy where I was able to get through my shame.” “Just going to a weekly meeting wasn’t enough. It wasn’t working. I was in a state of denial.” “I never realized what I was doing was part of an addiction. I thought I was just being a guy.”

Jul 20, 2023

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. Gary and Dr. Rob talks about trauma, the importance of storytelling and the ability to vocalize some of your unique experiences with addiction, and they offer clarification on what is considered a true addiction in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] At the root of every addiction, there is some form of trauma. [4:25] What is the difference between big T and little T trauma? [7:30] More and more people are talking about the traumas they grew up with. [9:40] How do you know if you have an addiction? Isn’t technically everything an addiction? [14:00] Children of alcoholics are completely focused on the other person. [14:45] Gary is currently writing a book for adult children of sex addicts. What are some of the similarities/differences Gary sees among this group? [17:20] Adult children of sex addicts often carry a lot of shame about their own sexual behavior and sexuality. [19:30] These adult children have a very unique lens of extremes. Gary expands on what this means. [22:10] How do these adult children deal with intimacy? [23:30] With the internet, you’re just one click away from seeing whatever sexual content you want. [26:45] Unfortunately, young children are learning about sex from porn. [31:05] Are you sure you don’t need help? Remember that denial is the enemy. [33:30] Sex addiction feels so personal to the family even though it’s not the spouse or children’s fault. [36:05] Your internal shame can slowly go away by talking about it in a support group. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When our family [appears] perfect or you don’t talk about it, we don’t learn.” “Nobody comes to treatment to grow personally. People come in because they’re in crisis.” “We adapt to situations that are intolerable when we love somebody.”

Jul 13, 2023

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. What happens to these children when they become older? Should children know about their parent’s substance abuse and sex addiction issues? And what should adult children be aware of now that they’re no longer in an alcoholic home? All these questions and more are answered on this week’s podcast. TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] A little bit about Gary and his work in the mental health field. [5:55] Why did Gary pursue this work with adult children of alcoholics? [12:00] What are the symptoms of these adult children who grew up around or in alcoholic homes? [16:30] Why was there such a need for young adults of alcoholics to have a rooms program? [21:10] Addiction is a family issue. No one is truly suffering alone. [22:20] Gary shares some of the people he admires over the years that have done great things in this field. [24:30] In the early days of these adult children of alcoholic conferences, it was the first time some of these people could voice their pain and hurt with others who also understood. [25:20] Addiction is passed on generationally. It doesn’t just stop at the addict. [30:10] Remember, going into rehab is only the beginning of your rehab journey. [31:25] Gary shares his own personal experience with addiction and recovery. [37:25] What does recovery mean to Gary? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn QUOTES: “John Bradshaw brought to the public consciousness the idea the dysfunction is not just in the addict, it spreads to the entire family.” “Addiction is really a family affair.” “For every addict, there are 3, 4, 5 people who are deeply affected.”

Jun 29, 2023

Dr. Rob invites Spiritual Counselor and Pastor, Jason Swilling, on to the podcast today. Jason works with Dr. Rob at the Seeking Integrity clinic. It doesn’t matter what religion you believe in, or do not believe in, this is a great podcast episode for anyone who wants to understand their connection to a higher power and what that might mean for you. It doesn’t matter if you are Muslim, Christian, or even an Atheist, Dr. Rob and Jason have some answers for you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] A little bit about Jason and how he found Dr. Rob and his clinic. [3:00] Although Jason studied Christianity and comes from that background. How does he work with people of other faiths? [5:55] How does Jason help people work with some of their regrets and the things they did that went against their religious and moral beliefs? [7:40] It’s not about failing God, it’s about failing yourself. [11:05] How do you find your way back to God/religion? [17:25] What about the people who do not have any religion or faith? How does Jason navigate that? [18:00] In the 12-step program, you need some kind of faith. How do atheists manage or stay sober? [23:20] It all comes down to your connection with others. Unfortunately, a lot of religious communities have forgotten this aspect. [29:20] Dr. Rob feels like a lot of people are not welcomed in their religious communities and people then feel compelled to hide their shame and imperfections. [35:15] As you share your secrets in a safe community, people in recovery get to experience something really beautiful for the first time. [39:25] Your recovery program works if you work it. Jason is proof of that. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “The spirituality of 12-step recovery is all inclusive. There is no discrimination against certain religions.” “Often times a spirituality of a person is that it’s just me and God alone. I can take God off the shelf and I can put God on the shelf. And usually I put God on the shelf whenever I act out.” “I have friends who are atheists who are long-time sober and don’t believe in God. Religion or any of that, is not necessary to work the recovery program to stay sober.”

May 11, 2023

Dr. Rob joins this week’s podcast in a solo episode to talk about the concept of forgiveness. The truth is, there is no true deadline or timeframe as to when you should forgive someone for all the hurt and damage they’ve caused you, so how do you move forward? Dr. Rob shares the stages of forgiveness and offers context and support on why you might still be resentful and/or revengeful towards the person that hurt you the most. TAKEAWAYS: [2:30] How do you forgive someone you do not trust? [3:45] Many people believe they don’t think they could ever forgive or forget the damage their addict has caused them. [4:20] Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. [9:30] Other people were able to see it, so why couldn’t you? Dr. Rob shares why. [13:20] There are many stages of grief and we can flutter in between each of them back and forth. [17:15] You have the right to be upset! You have the right to be furious! [20:20] No one is truly ready to forgive. You can’t just say ‘now is the time’. [23:30] How do you not hold a grudge/be resentful when your addict is on their path to recovery? [28:15] If someone doesn’t want to act with empathy and to think of the other person, then they shouldn’t be in a relationship. [33:00] It’s so attractive and validating to want to punish your addict for all the transgressions they’ve done to you. [36:10] What are the stages of forgiveness? [37:35] You can get stuck during the forgiveness process. This isn’t an easy thing to do. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “The whole idea of forgiveness creates conflict within us because we feel we need to reach a ‘certain point’ and at that point, we’re ready to forgive” “A lot of us struggle with forgiveness because, in part, we blame ourselves. We say, ‘We should have known.’ and that’s when forgiveness becomes complicated.” “There’s a great reality of this loss and its effects. We can’t deny them, we can’t push them away, and we can’t say to ourselves ‘it’s time to forgive’.”

Apr 27, 2023

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. [3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction. [7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it. [9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory. [11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability. [14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again. [18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake. [22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done? [25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com Shifting Criticism guide Empowered Relationship Podcast link Dr. Jessica Higgins Website QUOTES: “There’s an attempt to control your partner [when feeling hurt], this is understandable to want to feel that protection, to help your partnership, but it’s counterintuitive. It’s going to create a false sense of trust.” “Almost every time, betrayed partners write about how [their partner] felt unavailable. Didn’t think about how much I really needed you. You didn’t open up to me and I felt alone.” “The harm people cause each other is not the important part of this whole picture. We make mistakes. The important part is all in the repair. It’s not that you make a mistake, it’s you going back and saying you didn’t do that right.”

Apr 20, 2023

After a huge betrayal, it can be nearly impossible to come back to the center and find forgiveness. Some couples are ready to move forward and to forgive, but they keep getting stuck in the negative patterns of their betrayal, hurt, and distrust. Is there a healthy way to move forward? Should you even forgive in the first place? Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology. She explains how you can move through these emotions and reach a place of repair within your relationship in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Jessica. [4:55] How do you help someone find peace after a deep betrayal? [8:45] There is no guarantee around not being betrayed. [10:35] It’s a different feeling when someone shows up to the relationship with intentionally vs. passivity. [14:00] How do you move a couple forward from being stuck in a place of anger? [18:45] Would it be helpful for the addict to explain their childhood to their partner? [23:35] When will the betrayed spouse forgive me? [25:40] Some people feel like if they remain resentful, they’re teaching the other person a lesson. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com QUOTES: “A lot of spouses are looking for a guarantee. What you’re doing [today] isn’t really real and I want you to prove it.” “There is a part of me that really wants to trust you and feel like I’m not managing you.” “There are 350 definitions of forgiveness. There are some nuances and it can be hard to pin down what you’re dealing with.”

Apr 6, 2023

After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra’s book, For Love and Money, became the inspiration for her groundbreaking clinical work. In part 2 of this episode, Debra continues her discussion around infidelity and money, how to heal after a financial betrayal, and what compromise looks like. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] The way a couple handles money is how they handle other issues in their relationship. [4:35] What should couples do when they’re in crisis and are trying to regain control of their finances? [5:35] Sit down and come up with a game plan on what you both want out of this relationship and its future [6:45] How can couples begin to work towards healing? [9:15] Dr. Rob shares a personal story around the challenge between recovery and money. [11:40] As an addict through and through, and being in recovery, you have to learn how to not be selfish. [18:45] What’s Debra’s new book about? [21:15] Not everyone can afford therapy, but Debra created this book for couples who need the help. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Debrakaplancounseling.com Financialtherapyassociation.org QUOTES: “If there’s been infidelity, secret keeping, and lies around money, absolutely seek help.” “I had to say no to something I wanted and every time I saw that [dream] car in the street, I feel bad, but I did the right thing.” “You don’t have to be talking about money, you can be talking about ‘coupleship’ like raising your kids, but money is the biggest one.”

Mar 2, 2023

Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken. [4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life? [7:20] What’s so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents? [9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries. [16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it? [22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did. [25:55] Adult children are often confused about what’s a normal sexual experience. [30:35] Children aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father’s anger towards the sex addict. [33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems? [37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Sexualhealth-addiction.com When He’s Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams QUOTES: “The romantic partner always becomes second tier to the enmeshed man or woman’s parents.” “It’s always the parent’s job that they stay in charge of what is a normal love affair between parent and child.” “Your children are not your children. They’re life’s longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.” “88% of children were aware or witnessed their parent’s sexually addicted behavior.”

Feb 23, 2023

Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week’s episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure’, and so much more on this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins. [4:20] What is considered an addiction? [6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict. [6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part. [7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts? [11:40] Why can’t you cure addiction? [16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors. [20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They’re ‘white knuckling’ it. [26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another. [27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction? [34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it’s based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results. [36:25] There’s still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening. [39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss DoctorHiggins.com QUOTES: “The stigma is that this is actually a mental health disease and no one sets out to ruin their life and have all these other reactions from society.” “We all strive to make our lives easier.” “We now know we can change the expression of genes. That’s so powerful. We can make changes in someone’s life.” “No one [in congress] wanted their names on these bills because of the stigma around mental health.”

Feb 9, 2023

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they’ve suppressed and compartmentalized. TAKEAWAYS: [2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can’t they just stop? [3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don’t want to see you in pain. [5:45] How do you tell a partner that you’ve relapsed or have a slip? [6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict. [9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family. [11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people? [15:20] Do addictive personalities exist? [16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview. [21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it’s equally important to understand how it’s happening and how to stop. [27:00] We are going to get stressed and it’s natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem. [30:10] Can you fix addiction? [32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “I’m an addict and I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to be reminded of it. Addicts will jump over the problem.” “One of the things I see betrayed partner’s looking for is empathy. The addict gets into recovery, but they’re still assholes.” “Almost every client that comes to Seeking Integrity wants to know ‘why’. I can show you why, but you really need to learn how to stop.” “We are always going to be faced with stressors in our life and we are always going to want to feel better.”

Feb 2, 2023

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. His perspective is informed by years of experience growing and directing addiction service lines for hospitals and healthcare systems, the current state of medical and psychological research, and his own observations in private practice. In this episode. Dr. Aaron talks about process addictions and how they differ from substance addictions. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Aaron and his career. [4:10] Addictions and addictive behaviors are very misunderstood. [7:00] Why do these ‘non-substance’ addictions exist? [9:10] Sexual content is so easily accessible. [10:50] Social media apps want to be addicting. Dr. Aaron ran an experiment and moved his icons around so that he wouldn’t click on the same addictive apps over and over again. [13:00] How do I know if I have a process addiction? [16:00] It’s easy to lie to yourself to avoid the discomfort or the consequences of your actions. [18:10] There is a normalization in process behaviors. People want you to ‘binge’ on movies or ‘be addicted’ to video games. [22:55] Insurance companies will pay for food-eating disorders but won’t consider a gaming disorder. [25:40] What is an FMRI? [27:30] A lot of therapists like to pretend the body doesn’t exist from the neck down. Dr. Aaron explains what he means. [29:50] An addiction forms because the person is just trying to find some way for peace and stability. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “Someone’s life can be completely bulldozed by an addiction that has nothing to do with a chemical you put in your body.” “When it comes to process addictions and where we draw the line unless we’re having an anger point with consequences, it’s societally defined.” “You can see when brains change when someone is compulsive vs. not. It’s very clear that the brain works differently when someone is addicted.” “I view addictive behaviors simply as overgrown or malignant coping mechanisms.”

Jan 19, 2023

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives? [6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades. [7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself. [10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do? [13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start? [15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening? [20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dec 29, 2022

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem. TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side? [2:10] This is an illness. [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again. [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so. [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict? [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about? [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility? [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility? [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman QUOTES: “For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.”

Dec 22, 2022

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. Over the last 4 decades, Doug has seen the way professional's and the public’s perception of addiction has changed. In this episode, Doug shares what massive improvements we’ve undergone over the years and what the mental health industry has been doing to deliver better quality results to its patients. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Doug Tieman and his career. [3:20] As someone who’s been in the treatment and recovery space for 40 years, what has changed over the decades? [4:00] Back then, anyone who was seen as an ‘addict’ had a willpower issue. [6:00] In the 80s, you would have been kicked out of a treatment center for exercising. [8:40] Sometimes, you would put people on the ‘hot seat’, where you almost tore into them as a form of tough love. However, we now know that’s one of the worst things you can do to someone with trauma. [12:15] Why is addiction considered a mental health problem? [16:40] Unfortunately, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. [17:00] What are some of the known problems about the mental health industry and its ability to treat people? [19:20] Doug is in recovery himself. Despite being in the field for a long time, in 2008, he got his first DUI and realized he had a problem. [25:30] As Doug found his recovery later in life, does he feel compelled to make up for ‘lost time’ in his adult children’s lives? [28:50] Doug’s DUI made page six of the New York Post. The information was out there. Doug had to make a decision to communicate his struggles to his children. [30:45] There’s so much good that can come from being in recovery. He has no more secrets. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When I started this work in the 80s, substance abuse treatment was a real mystery for most people.” “Even when we didn’t have the medical or scientific information that we would have today, treatment facilitators did their best. We believed in loving people back to health.” “This is an evolving field. We now know more about addiction as a brain chemistry and we’re unlocking new mysteries of the brain all the time.” “Individuals who suffer from mental health typically abuse substances. People who abuse substances typically have a mental health [condition] that goes along with it.”

Nov 24, 2022

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Florida State Qualified Supervisor for those seeking a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy. In addition, she is also a Certified Professional Life Coach. Being a Therapist and a Life Coach gives her the unique ability to help clients heal from the past and live their best life today. In this episode, Dr. Crystal discusses what happens when a betrayed partner feels so angry and can’t seem to forgive. Is there ever a way out of this hurt? The answer is yes. Listen in for more. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Crystal. [2:50] When someone has been deeply betrayed/hurt, how does anger show up? [6:00] Anger and pain shows up at different times. [10:00] Despite all the pain, you have to take responsibility for when you are upset. [12:50] Dr. Crystal shares her lego principal. [15:45] What happens in the brain when someone gets better from depression? [16:55] What is abusive behavior? [19:50] What happens if you want to let go of your anger but you’re nowhere near forgiveness? [25:45] You don’t need to let go of the anger, you just need to process it. [27:45] If you’ve been betrayed, please consider therapy. [33:10] What do you do if your family members get angry for you? [37:05] Dr. Crystal likes to use the CBT Therapy method to help her clients through their pain. [40:45] Does betrayal affect same-sex couples differently? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Crystalhollenbeck.com QUOTES: “It’s normal to be angry, but you can’t hurt yourself for somebody else when you are angry.” “Sometimes anger can be very non-productive.” “No matter how much you’ve hurt him back, it’s not going to make him understand how much he’s hurt you.” “Forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting.”

Oct 27, 2022

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. In a continuation of last week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares whether it’s possible to recover from infidelity, whether a partner should stay in a relationship with an addict, and how you restore trust again in a relationship after cheating. TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] Codependency doesn’t actually exist. Dr. Rob explains why. [3:10] When your partner is snooping through your stuff. They’re look for reasons to stay with you! [7:35] Can couples recover from infidelity? [14:25] Every partner feels like it’s their fault for not being able to keep their cheating partner in the home. [14:55] So many people will say, ‘if only you had more sex with them, they wouldn’t cheat.’ That’s a lie! Spouses are shamed on and they have very little support. [17:20] Crazy is your new normal! [22:25] Your spouse has lost their best friend. [23:15] Should a betrayed spouse stay or should they go? [31:05] What is disclosure? [41:10] Empathy is how you heal deep relationship wounds with your partner. [41:45] How do you restore trust in a relationship? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “All your betrayed partner is looking for is reality, is for clarity.” “When a partner of 30 years hears that you’ve been cheating for 25 years. It’s not going to go well.” “Why would you have sex with a sex addict if you don’t trust them?” “The truth is, the more they know, the less it will hurt. What your betrayed spouse wants is honesty!”

Oct 20, 2022

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman’s mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met. TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy. [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment. [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn’t your fault? [14:55] Why doesn’t he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn’t work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner’s trust? [29:45] Remember, when it’s all about you, that’s not empathy. [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper. [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences. [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “No man I’ve ever met understands how to heal cheating in a woman.” “Men will respond differently to betrayal, but betrayal is still betrayal.” “When you ask someone for forgiveness, what you’re doing is asking them to take the focus off of themselves and put them on you.” “Our home is the foundation and when you’re saying work is more important, forget about the sex, we’re sitting here actually saying, ‘you don’t matter.’”

Oct 13, 2022

Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward. TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children. [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed? [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved’ really feel like? [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don’t deserve it. [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks. [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It’s okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs. [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help. [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed. [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “A child should be the center of the universe. They need narcissism. Narcissism at 4 is a really good thing, narcissism at 44 is not such a good thing.” “You’re not children anymore, but you still need food. Well, guess what, you can’t survive without love as adults either.” “Us addicts have replaced our need for love with our need for intensity.” “The addict helped us survive.”

Oct 6, 2022

Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you’re not a bad person. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself. [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking? [10:45] Young children don’t understand what’s going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings. [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family? [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed. [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out! [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there’s something wrong. [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don’t even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “We’re not bad people, we’re broken people.” “Many of us grew up knowing that it didn’t matter what we needed because nobody was going to meet those needs.” “Shame is the felt experience of being defective that is brought about by early emotional disorders.” “Your emotions are just information that [you might be having a bad day].”

Aug 25, 2022

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use? [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated? [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix. [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush. [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that? [18:35] How can you change the behavior? [19:45] It’s important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like. [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can’t quit eating altogether. [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like? [24:40] Addiction feels great but it’s a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Escalation is characteristic to all addictions. We build up tolerance. Porn gives us a sense of pleasure.” “Tolerance comes when the brain turns up the dopamine. Porn addicts end up going places that violate their values. They uncover [unwanted] elements of an arousal template.” “No more porn, but that does not mean no more sex. We treat sex addiction like an eating disorder.” “Ultimately, the goal of addiction recovery is to identify the behavior, stop it, break through denial, work on the underlying issues, and to live a better life.”

Aug 18, 2022

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It’s an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that’s why they seek external ways to cope and escape. TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans’ considered porn? [9:10] If you’re using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it’s not ‘porn’, then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What’s the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem? [13:55] It’s not about how much porn you look at, it’s about what it does to your life. [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference. [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem. [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness. [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone. [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography? [33:15] If you’re looking at porn, chances are you’re also looking at victims of sex trafficking. [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Porn is imagery or written text that we use to get aroused. Sex addicts and porn addicts not only use it for purposes of arousal but purposes of escape.” “For porn addicts, it’s easy to rationalize Game of Thrones or cruising Instagram or OnlyFans. Technically you’re still sober from your porn addiction, and my answer is not so much.” “Addicts are people who are really, really hooked. Life is going good, they’re using porn. Life is going bad, they’re using porn. The sun is up, they’re using porn. The sun is down, they’re using porn. That’s an addict.” “As addicts, we’re afraid to be vulnerable. We’re afraid of rejection. We’re afraid that if we know the real us, you’ll run screaming.”

Apr 21, 2022

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of? [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity. [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism. [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers. [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle. [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present. [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers’, they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions. [16:10] As long as you’re oblivious to the pain you’ve been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you’re causing others. [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can’t afford therapy? [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he’s a part of to help others. [24:15] Don’t have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn Strugglingmen.org QUOTES: “Anyone who has struggled with addiction has some strong narcissistic tendencies.” “Your kids are watching everything. Whether they’re 4 or 14. That’s one of the ways we don’t get an understanding of what we need.” “It’s never too late to start making changes.” “Even in the most troubled families, they are oblivious, even if they don’t mean to be.”

Apr 14, 2022

Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction. [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped. [6:10] Addicts aren’t bad people, they’re broken people. [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior? [9:10] My addict is sober, but they’re still a jerk. What’s going on? [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill? [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself. [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability? [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose. [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better? [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to. [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What’s the difference? [28:15] So many people aren’t taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense! [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn QUOTES: “What do I get? I get very frightened and scared people who can’t sit with pain and have found a coping mechanism of escaping.” “The addiction isn’t the only piece. It’s the whole presentation that you’ve been giving to the world.” “People who deal with addiction do not know how to sit with emotional discomfort or distress.” “I can tell you all the ways I’m a jerk, but learning how to be different is more of a commitment.”

Mar 31, 2022

In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy , which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why. [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal . How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz Allanjkatz.com Traumahealingpa.com QUOTES: “The behavior is the behavior but really, they’re these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.” “If you’ve been in a good relationship, then there’s obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I’m not condoning it or saying it’s right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that’s what we have to look at.” “You’ve got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you’ve put her through.” “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”

Mar 10, 2022

Dr. Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sex therapist, registered/licensed dietitian, master-level addiction professional (MCAP), and award-winning medical media producer. She is currently an instructor at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and has a private therapy practice in Miami, Florida. In this episode, she talks about intimacy more than just being sexual. She shares seven different types of intimacy that don’t necessarily lead into the bedroom and the value of taking time off from being sexual with your partner. TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Janice and where she and Dr. Rob got connected. [3:35] Intimacy is not only sexual. Dr. Janice talks about the other seven types of intimacy. [5:40] How can affection be different from the affection you have for a friend? [7:25] Dr. Janice also shares what physical activities partners can do together that are not sexual. [10:45] What is spiritual connection? [11:30] Dr. Rob shares what intellectual connection means for him and his husband. [12:25] Another way to connect is social. Dr. Janice explains further. [13:20] Emotional connection is when you share your feelings about something. Dr. Janice talks about “I” statements when sharing your feelings. [16:05] These other areas of intimacy can help you grow your sex life. Dr. Janice explains how. [19:20] Can people with differences come together in a passionate way without disagreement? [23:20] Relationships are not magic. Dr. Janice shares the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage. [26:15] Sensuality vs sexuality. Dr. Janice tells the difference. [29:45] How do you get to sex by not having sex? Dr. Janice talks about the value of couples not being sexual for a period of time. [30:33] Addiction vs yearning. How do you differentiate the two? [35:33] Dr. Janice summarizes the eight types of intimacy and how to use them to connect with your partner. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dearjanis.com Dr. Janis’ Books QUOTES: “Intimacy is not only sexual.” “We’re talking about building the wealth of friendship, not just sexual partners. But we hope that the person you are involved with is also a friend with whom you have a deep connection with.” “Esthetic connection means that you view something of beauty together. You experience it at the same time.” “You’re not blaming, you’re not saying ‘Look what you did’, you’re just sharing your feelings. And the thing with feelings is that they are never wrong.”

Dec 23, 2021

Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron are both the Founders of Trauma and Beyond Center, based in Los Angeles. They provide outpatient trauma programs for trauma, mental health, and co-existing disorders. They have written a book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook , to help people ask reflective questions that allow them to go deeper to heal some of their trauma. In this episode, Lynne and Dr. Joanne go deeper on the impacts trauma really has, how it shows up in addiction, and so much more. TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Why did Lynne and Dr. Joanne start a trauma center? [5:50] How do you define trauma? [8:40] Our first relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. [10:40] Dr. Rob has seen a lot of trauma survivors who have taken on addiction as a way to cope with their past. [11:40] One of the best defense mechanisms a child has is to numb themselves and disassociate from their feelings. [13:10] Children end up blaming themselves, instead of their parents. They feel like they’re responsible for ‘all the bad things’ happening to them. [14:10] What type of therapists should trauma survivors be looking for? [16:35] How can people heal their past when they don’t even remember? [21:30] Whenever we are dealing with pain, it compounds because we use the past as a reference. [27:20] We unconsciously match with other people who have similar attributes to our own dysfunctional families. [30:35] Lynne and Dr. Joanne talk about their book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook. [33:10] If we have unprocessed trauma, we will unknowingly pass it on to our children. [37:10] We all make mistakes and learning how to apologize, forgive, and recover from those mistakes is an important part of life. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Traumaandbeyondcenter.com Drjoannebarron.com Recoverypsychology.com Intergenerational Trauma Workbook by Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron QUOTES: “So many clients suffer from developmental trauma and they don’t even know it, and there’s no place for them to go.” “Our earliest relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. We develop a tolerance for [bad] behavior and see it as love.” “As you get older, the way you respond to life and the problems you have, are causing more and more pain.”

Dec 16, 2021

Ken Donaldson has been one of Tampa Bay's leading change specialists since 1987. With a 25 year background as a mental health and relationship counselor, he has a unique perspective in winning in the game of change. Ken's credentials include: Licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach. In this episode, Ken talks about his book, Marry Yourself First, and the proud change it can bring when you live by your purpose and values. TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] Ken shares why he wrote the book, Marry Yourself First . [8:15] How do you ‘marry’ yourself? [14:30] What areas of your life do you currently feel disappointed in? [18:05] Sometimes we get frustrated because we unknowingly have expectations surrounding that situations and we’re leaving ourselves disappointed. [21:20] Your reaction is a reflection of you, not a reflection of the person who is triggering you. [25:40] Ken explains what the MVP and VIP acronyms stand for and how you can live within your values and purpose. [31:20] How do you know what your priorities are when trying to maintain your values? [34:55] What happens if you never really do find the partner of your dreams? [39:00] You have to figure out your own drum beat and march to that beat. [41:35] Ken has created a structure to help people find inner happiness. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kendonaldson.com Marry Yourself First by Ken Donaldson QUOTES: “Usually frustration comes from an expectation.” “When you have a reaction to somebody else, go look in the mirror first.” “We go back to know, like, and trust yourself. Well, you said you knew yourself, but apparently you didn’t trust yourself because you broke your own rules, and by doing that, what does that say about liking yourself?”

Nov 4, 2021

Alex Avila is a Master CSAT and the Founder and Director of Relationship Institute of the Rockies. He works with men, women, and couples on their sexual intimacy and helps them explore, and overcome, their trauma so that they can connect deeper and more emotionally in their relationships. Alex is also the author of, 40 Forms of Intimacy , in which he dives into how couples can strengthen their relationship through communication and understanding. Find out more on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] How do you build intimacy while also recovering from addiction? [3:15] What is intimacy? Intimacy is sex! No, not so fast. [7:55] What does intimacy look like in the context of a romantic relationship? [9:30] Alex explains what attunement means and why addicts often struggle in this area. [11:00] How do you truly express appreciation for your partner? [16:00] If things get too heated, take a break. You’re responsible for half of the relationship, and you should be able to communicate that in a healthy way. [22:10] Build a ritual together, build a space in your home where it’s a safe space to air out some of your grievances. A safe space to communicate openly. [28:30] Remember, we are human. Sometimes when we express vulnerability, the other person can take it down a completely different road than where we wanted it to go. [34:25] If you’re not in a relationship, would you still benefit from Alex’s book? [37:00] Feel free to reach out to Alex for more information! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing Relationshipinstitute.org Alex on LinkedIn Alex on Twitter Grab Alex’s book: 40 Forms of Intimacy QUOTES: “Sometimes we appreciate things, but we don’t turn those thoughts into words.” “When someone says something, it just triggers a thought and then we grab the conversation and take it in a whole different direction. That can be painful.” “In all these topics we’re talking about respect, safety, and being sensitive to each other.”

Jul 1, 2021

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares part 2 of a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. When Dr. Rob was at the height of his addiction, he felt terrible all the time. He felt ashamed, he was suffering from depression, and he was wondering why. Despite this, he never wanted to pin his depression on his addictions. He was looking for every excuse in the book to not live a life of integrity. Addicts love to live in their own fantasy and will do everything they can, blame anyone they can, to keep that ruse up. Healthy people live in their reality and realize ‘Oops, that hurts me. I need to stop’, and they do! Dr. Rob talks about how to wake up and start living in reality again. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The breaking of trust is what destroys our spouses. [4:00] A healthy person recognizes their reality and changes their bad actions. Addicts blame reality because it means they can keep living in their fantasy and in their addiction. They choose to blame reality for their bad actions. [7:40] Addicts shift their focus to, “How can I keep doing what I’m doing and get away with it?” [8:10] At the height of Dr. Rob’s addiction, he wondered why he was so depressed all the time. It was because he was having sex with strangers who he had no connection with! [10:30] Dr. Rob realized he had been running away from home his whole life. Yet home was what he deeply wanted! [13:00] Let’s talk about plate spinning. [13:55] We live in our own lies. [18:00] How do addicts compartmentalize their lives so well? [19:50] What is the true path to happiness? [23:25] Dr. Rob answers a listener's question about compartmentalization. [25:25] Dr. Rob answers another question. “I feel like being real with my spouse is hurting more than helping.” RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing QUOTES: “We make bad decisions because we’re not facing our choices in reality.” “Reality wins. It will eventually catch up to you.” “We are more vulnerable than most men. We think we’re stronger, but we’re not. We run away from our reality.”

Jun 24, 2021

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. As addicts, we become so disintegrated in our everyday lives. We do not believe our loved ones when they say they love us. We do everything in our power to push love away because we feel we do not deserve it. There’s a lot of internal shame that we face. Dr. Rob talks about how you can begin to live a life of integrity and value, and connection with your loved ones. It is possible! You just have got to take it step by step. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What Rob is about to talk about is not therapy. It’s supplemental therapy. [3:55] Rob started doing this work when he was 26 years old. [4:55] Get a piece of pen and paper folks. You’ll be writing some notes down! [5:25] DENIAL: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying. [7:15] Here’s why denial is powerful to our survival. [12:25] Why is the word ‘integrity' so important? [13:40] In our addictions, we are disintegrated. [14:00] Addicts already have low-self esteem and hold a lot of shame. [14:50] What is the definition of intimacy? It’s not sex. [16:10] What breaks your partner’s heart is that they can’t trust you anymore. [20:10] Of course your spouse would be the last to know! They love you! They trust you! And now that trust is broken. [22:10] Spouses are looking through your phone to find that they can trust you again. [23:35] Rob wants you to write out the words ‘Addict’ and ‘Healthy Person’. [26:25] Healthy people choose reality. Addicts choose to live in fantasy. [28:40] You’re living in denial if you believe that your actions won’t affect others. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing QUOTES: “Disintegration allows us to do what we want to do, but it keeps any real love away.” “Intimacy is being known fully by people who love you. Letting yourself be known with no secrets.” “He’s being honest. That has a profound meaning for the partner even if you don’t have your stuff together.”

May 20, 2021

Rob and Tami talk about the biggest emotion you should fear in your marriage is not hate, it’s indifference. When they no longer care, that’s when you know the relationship can not be salvaged. They also share how you can recover from a betrayal, and how long it truly takes to ‘heal’ an addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Dissociation and decompartmentalization, how does it work? [3:50] Addicts don’t trust that people can soothe and comfort us. [6:25] At the end of the day, reality is what wins. [8:00] How long does it take to really heal from sexual addiction? [15:35] Been with your addict for a long time? Tami and Rob have a support group for you. [16:35] How does an addict’s emotional abuse get addressed at Seeking Integrity? [20:45] When should I tell my daughter about our toxic relationship? [23:40] My wife is hurt beyond belief. She wants to know how to make the pain stop? [29:15] Partners are searching through everything you have because they’re looking for reasons to stay. [29:45] The opposite of love is indifference. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES “Addicts don’t trust that other people can soothe and comfort us. We’re the only ones who we believe can make ourselves feel better.” “We don’t ever heal addiction. Addiction is a form of mental illness.” “If you pursue your recovery with the same energy you pursued when you’re acting out, you’ll do really well, but it’s going to take a lot.”

Apr 22, 2021

Harriet Hunter has been on a long journey of sobriety and uses her experiences to help others overcome their addiction to alcoholism and drugs. Her drug of choice these days? Journaling. Harriet started this practice to finally be ‘seen’ for the first time. As someone who was always hidden in the shadows, journaling provided Harriet an outlet where she could explore her thoughts, emotions, and more in an organized way. Through journaling, Harriet found healing. Find more about her story in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Harriet and the kind of work she does. [3:45] Harriet started her journaling practice just to feel like she existed. [6:00] Despite getting married and having a child, Harriet’s addiction was still going strong. [7:15] Both Harriet’s husband and daughter, who was only 26, passed away. [7:55] Journaling allowed Harriet to go places where she wouldn’t let herself go in ‘real life’. [8:55] Harriet had a terrible marriage with her husband, but he would often say to her that he liked her better when she drank. [10:00] What is journaling? [11:30] When Harriet’s husband passed, she realized she never had been alone before. [12:45] What’s the difference between ‘standard’ journaling and journaling with purpose? [15:10] How does it make you feel? Harriet didn’t even know how to answer that question. [17:30] Harriet is grateful she’s alone. [21:25] When Harriet was watching her daughter die, she had to connect herself to a spiritual purpose. [23:35] God wasn’t punishing Harriet. [26:25] What is the patient bill of rights all about? [27:35] This is a journey between Harriet and her higher power. [28:15] Life is a big session of teaching us how to let go. [31:55] What is Harriet’s course all about and how does she help people with a journaling practice? [33:45] Harriet’s book was written shortly after her daughter passed away. [36:30] Harriet is alive today to help bring peace to others. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Harriet: Harriethunter.org & Miracles of Recovery QUOTES: “I was successful at nothing. I had jobs to sustain my lifestyle. To pay for my addiction.” “Journaling is a walk to the heart. When I pick up a pen, it allows me to see what I would not see otherwise.” “I got sober online. I never had the guts to walk into a room. I was terrified.” “The end goal is to find the positive and find our own truth of positivity inside of us.”

Apr 15, 2021

Dr. Merry Frons has been working with individuals’ and couples’ relationship issues for the past 25 years. Her training as a sex therapist grew out of her experience working with couples when she realized that sexuality issues were part of couples' concerns and had a large influence on the underlying couples’ dynamic. Dr. Merry is out with a new book, The Trust Solution, where she talks about how two spouses can work on building trust and a healthy relationship again; A topic both her and Dr. Rob dive into on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] A little bit about Dr. Merry Frons [3:25] Why did Dr. Merry decide to write her book, The Trust Solution? [5:20] So many people are dealing with intimacy betrayal issues and they need guidance and help. It’s difficult to navigate this space alone. [6:55] What does the betrayed partner go through after they’ve discovered infidelity? [8:15] Dr. Merry shares some of the important steps a hurt partner needs to focus on. [10:45] If the cheating partner wants to work through this, what can they do? [12:20] The biggest step to a better relationship is by being honest and coming clean. [14:25] Sometimes a betrayed partner wants to know everything and anything, but there are limits to knowing everything. [16:15] The betrayed spouse doesn’t want to continue the relationship, now what? [18:40] if both parties want to make it work, what are the next steps? [23:20] What does Dr. Merry mean by attunement in this context? [26:45] The spouse that has broken the relationship is trying, but they might not know about the tools available to them to help build healing. [27:25] How do you build a two-party system when you’re so hurt and angry? A real partnership? [31:10] What does Dr. Merry mean by ‘flow’? [33:50] There’s no right or wrong decision on whether to stay or go. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Merry: Renewcounselingpllc.com QUOTES: “How could you do this if you loved me? You say you loved me, and yet you did this to me.” “The hurt partner needs time to process these emotions. They need safety, support, and soothing.” “You can’t heal what is not acknowledged.”

Apr 1, 2021

Carol Jeurgensen Sheets is a certified CSAT, Social Worker, and has been in this space for over 40 years. It is Carol’s mission to help both betrayed spouses and addicts overcome their own hurts and challenges so that they can live happy lives together. As a betrayed spouse, it’s important that you do inner work to heal your wounds and hurts that your addict has caused you. In this episode, Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power, and how you can use it (along with her other online workshop resources) to practice self-care and to heal. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Carol and her background in this field. [4:25] What is Carol seeing on the ground after a partner has experienced betrayal? [6:20] How does Carol help a betrayed spouse grow and heal from these events? [10:15] Some betrayed spouses feel like they’re going crazy because they’re doing things they’d never thought were possible because they’re so hurt and angry at their spouse. [12:30] When you go through a transformation, you end up on the other side enlightened. [16:20] Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power. [19:40] How can someone love you and hurt you so deeply at the same time? [21:45] What kind of homework or work does a betrayed spouse need to focus on? [24:05] You need to work on healing your hurt and working on your own self-care as your addict goes through their own journey.

Mar 23, 2021

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, a training institute and professional organization for addiction professionals, and a senior fellow for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare where she works with sexually addicted clients and their families. Dr. Stefanie talks about the recent tragedies that happened in Atlanta, and how the shoot claimed he struggled with porn addiction, and more. Do sex addicts commit violent crimes? TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Let’s talk about the tragedies that happened in Atlanta. [3:35] Sex addiction and murder, are they connected? [7:55] We also have a high rate of suicides. Most times people turn their aggression inwards. [8:20] Did the shooter have other underlying mental disorders? [8:50] Sex addiction has always been seen as a ‘joke’. [12:05] There is so much research on this topic and yet people don’t take it seriously. [14:55] A huge portion of the population is struggling with this. [16:45] People want to see criminals being held accountable. [17:45] The public sees really big stories of what sex addiction can do, but they don’t see how it affects the everyday man and woman. [20:35] Why can’t someone just read a book and then do this work? [22:25] Are people just going to these therapists to treat a problem they don’t really have? [24:30] There is simply not enough resources for sex addicts. [27:35] What are some of the common feelings a betrayed spouse might face/experience? [31:25] Want to learn more about this work? Reach out to Dr. Stefanie. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Stefanie: Iitap.com & Stefaniecarnes.com QUOTES: “10% of men and 7% of women were struggling with porn addiction.” “The industry was created because there was a need. They’d go to a sex therapist and they’d say this [form of] addiction doesn’t exist.” “72% of betrayed spouses are having trouble functioning. Just getting through the day is difficult.” “They find themselves confused and overwhelmed, which are all symptoms of trauma.”

Mar 23, 2021

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better. In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic. TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer

Mar 4, 2021

Kristin Snowden and Scott Brassart collaborated to write a book, based on the 12-step program, that can help anyone, of all walks of life, find coping strategies when ‘life just happens’. Not an addict herself, Kristin struggled deeply when crisis after crisis happened in her life and she was completely unable to cope. She used the 12-step program to help her through this journey and give herself a newfound sense of accountability. Scott, a person in recovery and has gone through the steps himself, underlines the importance of each step within the book and how it can completely change your life. Find out about Kristen and Scott’s story on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Kristen and Scott and what they do. [3:45] How did Kristen and Scott get to working together on this book? [6:35] The 12-step program really helped Kristen get through a lot of interpersonal conflict within herself even though she is not an addict herself. [8:10] Is there a 12-step program for ‘normal’ people? That’s what Kristen’s and Scott’s book is all about! [10:40] Is the 12-step program a cult? [11:40] We are tribal people, we find our tribe and we follow it. There’s nothing wrong with that. [13:20] What is a 12-step program, really? [16:40] How does the 12-step program help ‘regular people’? Kristen shares how it helped her. [20:40] What was Kristen’s ‘bottom’ that made her seek additional help and get accountability? [24:45] When bad things happen, how do you deal with it? This book is to help you get the right coping strategies. [28:00] Scott breaks down how the book is structured. [32:30] Kristen shares who this book is for and why it can help you! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristen & Scott: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/book & Life Anonymous book QUOTES: “When I didn’t start getting what I wanted, my life crumbled and I realized I had such poor coping skills when life was coming at me and I couldn’t control it.” “I was a transactional Christian. I did good to get good. I put up superficial fronts to say I was good and great.” “Addiction is a maladaptive coping skill and it works until it doesn’t work.” “People find soliance and guidance in all kinds of places. The 12-step program is painfully underutilized. The 12-steps teach coping skills.”

Feb 4, 2021

Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and doesn’t shame you. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? [2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? [3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? [8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! [9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? [12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex-addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? [17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? [21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become afraid that their spouses will leave them. [24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? [29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES “The partner that’s just been trying to hold things together is just being blamed (for being codependent).” “The word codependency has brought a world of harm onto women for many, many years. It mirrors our history of shaming caregivers.” “There’s a lot of negativity assigned to the spouse for being in this situation with your partner, who is addicted. We love who we love and we stick by who we stick by.” “One of our jobs is that nobody goes out there and does it again without understanding how it’s going to affect the people they love and themselves.”

Jan 14, 2021

Dr. Rob does a solo episode this week to talk about the concept of home and what it means to us and how it differs from people who aren’t addicts. No matter where you are, home is meant to be a safe place, but for addicts, it’s a place we run away from. If you grew up in an environment where home was hell, then it makes sense why you never want to go back there. Dr. Rob discusses how you can rebuild and really find ‘HOME’. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Let’s talk about the concept of home. [2:30] Why do addicts keep running away from home? [4:20] Home is not what kind of furniture you have or what kind of car you drive, or your computer. Home is the people you come home to or that place where you feel like you’re at peace. [4:50] If you have an intimacy disorder, you’re not going to be able to maintain the home you’ve created for yourself as an adult. [5:30] We deeply love the homes we create, but we’re broken people and we’re unable to stay there. [6:25] The minute something goes wrong, we run away. We live double lives. [7:10] While you’re starving for connection, behind you there is a banquet waiting for you. [10:45] We often don’t see what’s right in front of us. [15:10] It makes sense why you want to run away from home. If you grow up in a nightmare, why would you want to stay there as an adult? [18:00] Going ‘home’ for the holidays was just a crazy concept. Home was a scary and unsafe place. [22:30] You can only have one life. Do you want to spend it just running away from everything that’s important to you? [23:00] How can we make home a joyful and exciting place to be? [25:30] When we get caught for our bad behavior, home ends up being another unsafe place for us. But this time, instead of running away, you need to fight your way back to it. [26:55] It’s taken Dr. Rob years to stop running. [29:10] How do you find and rebuild connection again? [32:00] Your life is going to change for the better. Just put in the work. [33:25] The most important word is ‘Home’. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “Home is the most sacred place in our lives, no matter what kind of foundation that means for us.” “What addicts and those who cheat and/or are unfaithful do, we leave home like everybody else, but then we never come back.” “The nature of an intimacy disorder means you’re constantly running away from home. Constantly looking for intensity and distractions because you can’t deal with home.” “Healthy people don’t have to live a double life.”

Jan 7, 2021

Rob and Tami explain in depth what a betrayed spouse is going through during the first year and a half after a reveal, and what a person in recovery can do about it. They also answer listener questions about porn addiction since the age of 10, and what to do when a CSAT therapist sides with the addict and not with the betrayed spouse. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My wife hates me. When will it stop? [2:25] Dr. Rob explains why it’s important for betrayed spouses to find a place to vent outside of your home with the addict. [4:25] He’s just not getting it! Will I ever get empathy from my addict? [8:00] I have been a compulsive user of sexual fantasy since I was 10. I’m struggling. How do I become normal again? [13:15] As a betrayed spouse, I’m seeing red flags with my husband’s current therapist. The therapist blames me! [15:40] Not all therapists are good therapists. You do get a mixed bag and it can be a journey to find the right one. [18:45] My addict broke my boundaries. What do I do? [25:35] At Seeking Integrity, Dr. Rob and his team turn boys into men. [27:35] Is there something wrong with me that I want to be intimate with my untrustworthy addict? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES “After a year and a half, I will say to betrayed spouses that, at a certain point, your anger can be unproductive.” “I think it’s important for every betrayed spouse to have a place to go where they can vent because addicts need some space from you in order to grow, even though we deserve [the anger]!” “Stopping the bad behavior I can do in a month or two, but becoming a good person can take a long time. A lot of therapy.” “Stopping the behavior is critically important, but also address the underlying issues. There’s a reason we use these addictions as an escape.”

Dec 3, 2020

Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, popular Psychology Today blogger, and author of the bestseller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. Ken was desperately looking for love but found himself chronically single as the years went by. What was he doing wrong? Through his own exploration and diving into the research, Ken shares how we can build intimacy and find a loving and healthy relationship on this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] How can single people in recovery safely find their life partner? [3:45] Ken understands. He was an awful dater for the longest time. [4:50] Ken really wanted to find someone, but he was always single for one reason or another. [6:35] Although Ken is gay, the lessons he teaches applies to anyone, no matter their sexual orientation. [7:55] One day, Ken found himself being called to be a dad. Things changed for him. 9 months later he adopted a child and it led to Ken finding his husband, too. [9:40] How do you date so that you find a good match for you? This is rarely talked about. [9:55] Ken walks you through an intimacy map. [12:45] How can you put your best foot forward while still remaining authentic? [14:00] How do you bring your most intimate self on a date? Ken shares an example. [14:45] Keep a journey for two days and note the things that hurt you and note the things that fill your heart. [18:00] Sometimes, we would rather die than reveal our true self. [19:20] Does my soul feel safe with this person? [20:40] Are you pushing love away while you are also looking for love? [23:40] Can you find true love on Tinder/Grindr? [27:55] Your deepest gifts are underneath your defense mechanisms. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Ken: Deeperdatingpodcast.com & https://deeperdating.com QUOTES: “You’ve been talking about looking for love for a really long time, but you’re always single. I don’t think you really mean it.” “As you move closer to the center of the target, that’s you becoming more authentic and the further in you get, the closer you are to the beating heart of humanity.” “It’s an internal journey first to embrace your gifts. When you do that, our dating life changes.” “We all have a true self and we create a false self around that to protect ourselves.”

Nov 12, 2020

Dr’s. Ginger and Bill Bercaw are the founders of The California Center for Healing in Pasadena, CA. The Bercaws are nationally recognized relationship and sexuality experts, appearing regularly on Access Hollywood Live and Fox News as well as being Huffington Post columnists and cited in Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and the LA Times. Drs. Ginger and Bill discuss how a betrayed spouse can become intimate with their love or sex addict, ways couples can build intimacy, and how to prioritize therapy when we all live busy lives. TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] How do you reintegrate healthy sexuality and trust after betrayal. [5:40] Couples who have made it through the traumatic effects of the betrayal are still going to struggle in the bedroom. [6:55] When a partner finds out about a 12-year affair, some of them want to jump into bed with them right away. Why is that? [11:15] Most recovering sex addicts are not familiar with what intimacy means. [12:45] What can couples do to take the first step to building intimacy? [20:00] The next step is communication to help restore sensuality in the relationship. [23:50] In Drs. Ginger and Bill’s model, the next step or critical piece to healing is education. [26:20] How do Drs. Ginger and Bill keep their couples motivated to keep pursuing therapy and work on themselves? [28:45] What makes certain couples struggle vs. other couples that thrive? It comes down to the person’s trauma. [30:50] We all have busy lives. Who has time for therapy? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw: Drsbercaw.com QUOTES: “By and large, we don’t typically see couples who have great sex lives before discovery.” “We were introduced to a model of communicating and I remember walking out of that therapist’s office and just shaking my head. Normal people don’t talk to each other this way! However, maybe we should try something that’s abnormal.” “If you do have the willingness to prioritize your relationship. It doesn’t have to be an hour every night, it can be half an hour 2-3 times a week. Something to give you traction.” “You can’t ‘will it’ that way or ‘wish it’ that way. You have to be willing to put in the work just like anything else.”

Nov 5, 2020

Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping clients recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma, loss, and relationship challenges (namely infidelity and divorce). Kristin has seen women come into her office completely unsure why they feel depressed, why they feel lost, why they feel so broken. And upon further investigation, it’s because these women hide their true feelings and they’re being gaslighted by their addict. Kristin discusses how you’re not crazy about the feelings you have and how to own your power and work on building trust again with your addict. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What is it like working with Dr. Rob? [4:15] Kristin wanted to get Dr. Rob’s thoughts on how betrayed spouses navigate depression and their sexual traumas. [10:00] When someone has been betrayed. They mentally choose to move forward not move on, but their bodies don’t react the same way. [11:15] How does the betrayed partner end up being convinced they’re the problem or they’re the ones with depression? [14:40] Do not invalidate what your body is telling you. [17;55] If something is bothering you and it’s triggering your feelings of betrayal all over again, speak up. You don’t need to hide it. [21:05] You don’t need to deeply examine yourself when the problem is right in front of you. You don’t need to feel more shame about that. [24:00] Some people discover that they’ve really been shamed by their partner for having very real feelings and decide they’re completely done and don’t want to put up with the lies anymore. [26:15] The key is to practice humility and to show up better for yourself despite being hurt and wanting to kick and scream and throw things. [28:05] How do you be strong for yourself when your partner is gaslighting you? [30:50] Group therapy is critical in making you realize you’re not crazy. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristin: Kristinsnowden.com Kristin on YouTube QUOTES: “It’s the person you’re supposed to be the most intimate with and love the most and you feel the most unsafe with them.” “That’s why I encourage therapists who specialize in sex addiction and trauma to really understand the deep unconscious traumas around this as well as shame resiliency work.” “You can’t fix anything you’re not aware of. You can’t change any patterns that you don’t realize exist.” “We say depression is anger turned inward.”

Oct 29, 2020

Rob and Tami discuss how to best keep boundaries with your mother, how to work through betrayal as a betrayed spouse in a way that encourages your addict to be honest with you, and Rob explains how sexuality works and why you might be attracted to men vs. not. TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How can I communicate my boundaries without making it into a threat? [7:25] There are three rules you want to keep in mind when you want to make it work and there’s been a betrayal in the relationship. Dr. Rob explains. [9:50] How do I set boundaries with my mother who subjected me to covert incest? [15:05] Can a man be bi or gay without being sexually aroused by male bodies? [21:45] My wife caught me and is now hypersensitive to stress. How long will this last? [28:20] My boyfriend has a porn addiction. What’s next? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “My focus in early recovery would be if he is being honest with me. Is he talking regularly about what he’s doing in therapy?” “You can’t fix your wife. You can only work on your addiction and your healing so that you’re aren’t showing up being the betrayer over and over again.” “We knew what we were doing. We chose what we wanted to say to our spouses and hide.” “We kept this a secret from them and we worked hard at it. It’s often a tremendous shock to your spouse and we need to give them the grace at the time to be angry and hurt for a while.”

Oct 15, 2020

Rob and Tami dive into whether you can rewire your sexual tastes after being exposed to hardcore porn. They also discuss how to have a successful open relationship (when you’re not an addict) and so much more on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Can I rewire my sexual tastes? [6:10] I don’t think I can handle my partner relapsing. What can I do? [10:45] How can we have a successful open relationship? [13:45] Should addicts reveal their addiction to their family members? [18:00] I stumbled upon child porn and I felt guilty ever since watching it. How do I get over this? [19:45] How do you create healthy boundaries as a sex addict? [24:15] My husband of 28 years has paid for prostitutes for the last 8 years. Will this pain ever end? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Sep 24, 2020

Kelley Gunter is an internationally acclaimed speaker, life coach, and author of the memoir, You Have Such a Pretty Face. She is a survivor, emotional warrior, and a woman in recovery who is unafraid to tell her truth. She went through a 243lb weight loss journey and opens up about her multiple addictions in this week's episode. If she can get through to the other side, so can you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] For many women, it's very hard to tell their truth due to society's expectations of them. [3:35] Kelley shares why now is the perfect time to share her truth and her story. [4:05] Kelley made a promise to God that if she could get past this dark time in her life, she will use her voice to empower others. [6:15] When Kelley was 400lb, people would often tell her it was 'such a shame' she was so overweight because 'she had such a pretty face'. It killed her soul every time she heard that. [7:40] When trying to give a compliment, drop out the qualifier. Just say you're pretty! [9:10] Kelley shares her experiences on what it was like to be 'that fat girl'. [11:25] A lot of women end up consciously gaining a large amount of weight because it makes them feel safe and keeps an arm's distance away from men. Kelley shares her thoughts on this. [12:45] How does someone gain 400lb? [14:45] Our pain speaks to us in different languages. [21:10] Kelley was terribly insecure and would often try to buy everybody’s love. [23:50] Most of our addictions don’t come up as ‘just one thing’. It’s a host of issues. [24:45] Kelley’s gambling issues brought everything and her whole life to her knees. [26:30] Kelley knew she wasn’t a bad person, she was a broken person. We all make mistakes, but we aren’t our mistakes. [31:40] Remember, tomorrow is a new day. [34:45] Kelley talks about her upcoming second book. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelley: Kelleygunter.com Kelley’s book: You Have Such a Pretty Face QUOTES: “I was in such a dark place in my life, I was praying to God to let me die, and I couldn't find any truthful stories of people who had made mistakes, people who had suffered, and came out on the other side of it.” “The world can be very, very cruel. Even more painful than the mean comments was that I was just invisible. The world just sees right past you, like you don't even matter.” “Food was the one thing I could go to that would never let me down. I wasn't trying to push people away, but it was the only thing I loved and it loved me back.” “Unhealed trauma will sit quietly in the control room of your soul dictating every calamity.”

Aug 27, 2020

Jenna Riemersma is the Clinical Director of The Atlanta Center for Relational Healing. She is a teaching faculty member for the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). Jenna holds a Master's degree in Public Policy from Harvard University and a Masters’ Degree in Professional Counseling from Richmont Graduate University. Jenna is the recent author of Altogether You, which better explains IFS therapy and how every part of you is meant to be (and should not be shamed for it). TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] What is Jenna’s book about and why did she write it? [5:15] How do we best manage or process the different parts of ourselves? [7:15] We each have a core or a deep self within us. It is whole and it consists of the 8 C’s. However, our different parts (traumas) jump up and obstruct our access to our deep self. [10:55] Dr. Rob shares an example to better understand what Jenna means. [14:30] How do you bring healing to your different parts to become connected to your core self? [15:50] Why do we have such high relapse rates in addiction? [18:50] When we live in our core self, we instinctively embrace all parts. [21:45] Rage and sex addiction are not okay, but the part underneath it all is what we’re trying to help: the individual. [24:10] We all have parts at war within ourselves. For addicts, it might be they want to act out sexually and at the same time, they desperately want to be faithful to their partner. [28:00] IFS is applicable not for addiction, but for relationships and conflict. [33:15] How does MDMA help people with complex PTSD? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Jenna Riemersma: Jennariemersma.com Jenna’s book: Altogether You QUOTES: “The more effective way to bring healing to a part is by recognizing this is a wonderful part that’s gotten stuck in a very damaging role.” “It’s really about befriending the parts of us of which we are the most ashamed and the parts we feel are the most unacceptable.” “All parts of them are welcome and there’s another way besides shaming ourselves that we can heal.” “We all have parts at war and they look different in all of us.”

Jul 23, 2020

Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and the author of several books including, Trauma and the Twelve Steps and Trauma Made Simple . On this week’s show, Dr. Jamie discusses the healing process between the Twelve Step program and addressing your trauma. She also discusses her philosophy with the Twelve Step program and why it’s important to update the language in it to help people grow and recover. TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Dr. Jamie has recently revised one of her books, Trauma and the Twelve Steps. [4:00] People who have worked heavily in the trauma world had a low opinion about the Twelve Steps and vice versa. Why is that? [5:45] Wounds can come in all shapes and sizes, but healing can take on all different forms. [9:00] People use the Twelve Steps as commands, but Dr. Jamie has always seen it as suggested steps. [13:35] The wound itself is not the issue in trauma. It’s how it gets addressed and healed that is. [14:20] A lot of people think they have dealt with their trauma, but they really haven’t. [19:35] Admitting your powerlessness over alcohol or your addiction does not mean you are a powerless person. [21:45] We have to be willing to update the language with the times. The Twelve Steps was written in the 1930s. [28:30] Trauma is never fully healed, but it does evolve. [32:30] We have to validate ourselves, the reality of what’s happening, and we have to validate each other, and then we have to challenge it. [35:35] Is it true we will never truly ‘thrive’ in life? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Jamie: Dr. Jamie Marich Dr. Jamie’s Book: Trauma and the 12 Steps, Revised and Expanded: An Inclusive Guide to Enhancing Recovery Traumamadesimple.com Instituteforcreativemindfulness.com Jamie Marich on Twitter QUOTES: “Why is trauma not the problem? The wound itself is not the issue. It’s how does it get addressed, how does it get healed, and what is the existing system of the person experiencing it.” “There’s a lot of people who think they’ve dealt with their trauma or it hasn’t affected them, but they really haven’t.” “A principle I teach in trauma-informed care is there is always a modification, and I think more people would be opened to the twelve steps if we allowed for that.” “After everything you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’ve become an alcoholic, what are you going to do about it now?”

Jul 16, 2020

Michelle Holleman is a Sex Addiction Therapist based out of Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle councils pre-teens and teenagers about their porn addiction habits and teaches children the difference between reality and fiction. Young children are being exposed to porn and it can deeply impact their brain. Michelle shares seven tips parents can use to have a healthy conversation with their children about porn, and why they need to talk about it with them; not avoid it. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Who is Michelle and what does she do? [3:45] Michelle works with a lot of teens who get caught with porn on their school computer. [6:25] Usually when Michelle gets called in, parents are very concerned. Michelle tries to calm them down and normalize the situation. [9:35] Anything that can turn into porn, will be turned into porn, which means that there are pornographic cartoons out there. [12:00] Parents are very bad at talking to their children about sex. They mostly explain how babies get made, but not the act itself. [13:35] Locking down your child’s phone doesn’t solve the underlying problem. If it’s not at home, they’ll be exposed to it through their friends. [18:15] How do the conversations differ between a pre-teen child vs. teenager about the conversation of looking at porn? [21:25] Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age. [22:45] Porn changes our children’s brains. [24:15] It’s important to tell the truth when talking to your children. [28:45] Don’t punish your child for looking at porn, it sends the wrong message and they will try to hide it from you. [32:55] The real problem with porn is that it takes the intimacy and connection in sex away. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Michelle: Lifehealingcounseling.com & LinkedIn QUOTES: “The parents get called in and then they start to find out how much porn is on the computer, and that’s where it becomes alarming.” “There are ways we can teach our kids early on about pornography and the difference between porn and healthy sex, which includes intimacy.” “The average age kids are actually seeing porn is around 9-years old the first time they see it and the biggest consumers of porn are boys ages 12-17.” “Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age.”

Jul 9, 2020

Dr. Louise Stanger is an Ivy League Award winner (2019 Interventionist of the Year from DB Resources in London and McLean Hospital – an affiliate of Harvard), educated social worker, popular author, internationally renowned clinician, interventionist and speaker and an expert on mental health, addiction, process disorders, and chronic pain. In this episode, Dr. Louise provides insight as to how families can best cope and provide support when it comes to a loved one’s addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] I can’t stand my family, but I can’t live without them. [6:55] Dr. Louise’s family was very successful in their careers. However, they all had underlying problems with their mental health. [8:15] We can’t turn back time and be 4 again to get our needs met, but even as we grow into adults, we have cravings to get our needs met from our family. [9:00] Sometimes we have to grieve the fact that we never got our needs met by our parents. [10:55] When it comes to our relationships, we might have to live without our loved ones in order for us to fully grow. [12:00] Why is it hard for us to not see the abuse happening to us? [15:20] Your unwillingness to change can be the cause of stalled progress. You don’t have to change the way you love someone, but by changing the behaviors/actions around that person can help them progress in their own therapy and healing. [16:45] What does a good intervention look like? [23:20] As a family member, it’s very important to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. [25:00] When an addict comes back from therapy, why can’t it just all go back to the way it was? [26:50] Have you ever said to yourself: ‘If he/she would just fix themselves, everything would be fine.’ Dr. Louise offers advice on how to better approach this. [29:20] We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. This is why having an outside/expert opinion matters because it allows you to hear what your spouse has been saying to you for years for the very first time. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Louise: Website & Learn to Thrive Call Dr. Louise: 619-507-1699 The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions: A Collective Strategy by Dr. Louise Stanger QUOTES: “People don’t call me unless their hearts are hurting and there’s some kind of event or crisis that happened with their loved one.” “Relationships with mothers are tough. Like many of us, we are people pleasers. They really want that approval. And all of a sudden, when they’re 40 or 50, they realize they’re never going to get that.” “There’s always been an elephant in the middle of the living room, that behavior has been there, but somehow they haven’t been able to face it until there’s this tipping point.” “Family & friend work is so important because nothing changes until something changes. And if you’re sending your loved one away to be fixed, and then you expect them to come back without a parallel process, that person is doomed.”

Jun 25, 2020

Troy L. Love is a two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author and has a third book, A Year of Self-Love , which was published in 2019. Troy shares why we feel such deep shame and dives into the six attachment wounds we carry around after a traumatic childhood. He also helps visualize these six attachment wounds through characters to help people in recovery better understand themselves and their journey. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Troy shares his journey and why he is passionate about helping people with trauma. [6:15] It took Troy roughly 10 years to feel grounded enough to move forward with his trauma and help other people. [7:15] How is shame related to addiction. [10:15] Our shame is connected to our attachment wounds. There are six attachment wounds: Loss, Neglect, Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, and Abuse. [12:25] How does someone discover whether or not they have childhood trauma or not? [15:45] Can we get over these childhood traumas? [19:30] Narcissism can be cured. [22:55] Our loudest voice is our own judgments. [29:15] How can someone best recover from their own inadequacies when they have a partner at home who is very upset and hurt over the actions they have done? [32:15] Darling, I know you suffer, but I am here for you. [34:05] The use of compassion and empathy are the only ways out! [36:20] There are places all over the world that can help you. Your location to get good care is no longer a barrier. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Troy: Website & A Year of Self Love by Troy L. Love QUOTES: “Shame is the deep and abiding belief or experience that I am flawed and defective and therefore unworthy of love or belonging.” “I wasn’t acting out anymore, but man, I was still causing damage and it was fueled by the shame.” “Shame is anger turned inwards and when you stop being angry at yourself, you might start biting at people around you.” “As long as you can start doing the work and start to create some empathy and someplace, that creates space for your spouse to also begin to heal.”

Jun 18, 2020

Lulu Cook is an expert in eating disorders and food addiction. She is a coach and dietitian. Lulu helps her clients feel good about their emotional and physical health. Food addiction can show up in many ways and it can be a big struggle to stop binge eating. Lulu provides information on why people typically develop eating disorders, how to best recover/manage their relationship with food, and so much more on today’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] Lulu shares her food addiction journey and story. [6:10] What is the difference between an eating disorder and food addiction? [14:00] Do people with eating disorders also typically have body dystopia? [18:00] Why do people typically develop eating disorders? [24:20] People need to eat food. How does Lulu help manage her client’s addictions? [29:25] Food addiction can destroy people’s lives. Lulu shares some examples. [31:05] How do weight and food fit together? If someone is big-boned or a little heavy, how do they recognize they might just like to eat vs. have an addiction? [33:05] Food touches everything in our lives. Our relationships, faith, environment, and health. [38:20] Lulu works with clients all over the world, so location is no obstacle if you’re interested in getting some help! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Lulu: Lulucook.com & Email: Lulu@gutfeelingcoaching.com QUOTES: “Food is medicine and the impact of food on my mood was so profound.” “A higher proportion of people who are in bigger bodies will have binging behaviors than smaller people, but that’s not always necessarily the case.” “This stuff is not easy. We don’t get to stop eating if we want to keep living. We just need to learn how to nourish ourselves in ways that feel more healthy.” “I came for the vanity, but I stayed for my sanity.”

May 28, 2020

Helen E. Fisher, PhD biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow, at The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships-- what she calls: slow love. In this week’s episode, Dr. Helen shares how people fall into love addiction and why it can feel hopeless to find the right partner to spend your life with. TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] How did Dr. Helen become a sex expert? [6:15] There are a lot of misunderstandings about how men and sex. [8:10] What is love addiction? How is it different from sex addiction? [10:00] Romantic love addiction can actually be very positive. [12:20] What do you lose when you get rejected? An important partner to have babies with. [16:45] How can couples celebrate sexuality? [20:00] A good positive relationship lowers blood pressure, cortisol, and more! [22:00] Romantic love grows quickly, but attachment grows slowly. [24:00] How can we better help love addicted people? [25:30] Covid-19 is a good time to find love? [29:25] In Dr. Helen’s study with Match, 34% of singles have had sex before the first date. [31:35] Women are getting married later in life. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Helen: Helenfisher.com & Theanatomyoflove.com QUOTES: “Both men and women have some tremendously effective traits and we need to put our heads together, but to pretend we’re exactly alike is factually incorrect .” “When you’re madly in love with the right person, at the right time, with the right vision, is probably an adaptive mechanism to send their DNA into tomorrow.” “You’re threatened with genetic extinction when you’ve been rejected in love.” “People in long-term good partnerships, positive relationships, can live up to 5-7 years longer.”

May 21, 2020

Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience. [4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue. [7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.” [11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement. [11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis? [12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains. [14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist. [19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved. [25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not. [28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency? [31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center. [32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict. [33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected? [34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak QUOTES: “91% of therapists believe that the person who was married to an active addict is in a major crisis.” “Until their family life is settled down, their loved one has gotten sober, they are in a crisis too.” “My job, as a therapist, is to help them through the crisis. Not ask them to question or doubt themselves.” “Crisis is a state of emotional turmoil for an acute emotional reaction to a powerful stimulus or demand.” “With the addicts in my life that I want to deepen my connection with, I say to them, I love you, whether you’re using or not, I love you whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you.”

May 14, 2020

Dr. Rob understands that there might be some confusion over what prodependence is, and sheds some light on how we can better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved one; who so happens to have an addiction problem. We support/feel sorry for the spouse trying to care for their partner’s cancer treatments, but why are they shamed for trying to do the same with mental health or addiction issues? Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Dr. Rob explains what prodependence is by providing a hypothetical example of his wife going through cancer vs. drug addiction. [5:15] How would your friends and family, and community, react differently to a cancer diagnosis vs. a drug addiction diagnosis? [8:55] Codependency is just another way of blaming, labelling, and shaming innocent caregivers. [11:55] Codependency is underappreciated and is not a mental health diagnosis. [14:00] When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they read every book and every resource to help the people they love. [17:00] When it comes to codependency, which book should you be following? There’s so many and some of them are not qualified. [21:00] Maybe the reason why we keep writing about this over and over is because it’s never quite worked before? [24:00] As people help people through addiction, they shouldn’t be labelled as ‘broken’. [25:00] When did therapists ever do treatment and blamed clients for not fitting into our ‘model’? Yet this happens with supportive partners within addiction all the time. [29:40] Therapy goes much faster when you don’t label, and blame, the spouses for trying to navigate their partner’s addiction. [33:15] Stay tuned for part two next week! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak QUOTES: “What is the difference between someone who is medically ill and someone's in crisis and someone who is mentally ill and addicted and they’re in a crisis?” “Codependency is just another way of blaming, labeling, and shaming innocent caregivers who have done nothing more than try to rescue the person they love.” “As far as insurance companies are concerned, codependency doesn’t exist and as far as mental health is concerned, codependency doesn’t exist.” “This angers loved ones, leaving them wondering why so much attention is being placed on their dysfunction when they’ve been the hyper-functional ones all along.” “Not being where the client is leaves clients feeling more judged than understood.”

Apr 30, 2020

Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes? [4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship. [5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating. [7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship. [8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women. [11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that. [13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity. [15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater? [19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered. [23:40] Are cheaters narcissists? [29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control. [31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.” “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.” “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.” “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”

Apr 16, 2020

Dr. Rob went on The Mel Robbins Show with his colleague Noah Church to help a couple work through the man’s porn addiction. Dr. Rob also offered the couple resources they needed to better understand porn addiction after the show. The male partner has felt a lot of regret over his porn use and wants to better understand how to make it stop. His girlfriend is feeling betrayed and doesn’t know where to go from here. Listen in to Dr. Rob’s insight and advice. TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] The girlfriend is worried about what other lies her boyfriend has told her throughout their 9-year relationship. [6:00] The boyfriend is feeling a lot of shame right now. He has felt like he’s led a double life for a long time. [8:20] How can the couple recover from this? [13:20] If he wants to change, it’s important that he goes to therapy and support groups. [15:40] Noah weighs in as a former porn addict. [16:40] How has Noah been able to live a sober life? [17:35] The boyfriend doesn’t see this as an addiction. He sees the lying as something to be ashamed of, but not the act itself. [19:25] How does addiction impact the brain? [22:00] How can we talk to our children about porn? [23:25] What are some of the signs that your partner might be watching porn? [24:00] Why is porn considered cheating? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency The Mel Robbins Show Addictedtointernetporn.com QUOTES: “People see addiction as only related to substances and pornography is treated very lightly in our society. We’re coming to understand that internet pornography can become very addicting as well.” “There are changes that we can see across all addictions that are similar and those changes include sensitization, we are more sensitive to cues that lead to use.” “Young kids now first come into contact with pornography. I read that the average age is 11, and in many cases younger.” “There’s a false idea, which is if you talk to your kids about sex, they’re going to want to have it. The truth is if you want to protect your kids from porn, you have to teach them early what’s healthy or what isn’t.” “In the digital age, cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”

Apr 9, 2020

Karl Staib is the Author of Bring Gratitude , a book to help people unlock their mindset and build a more resilient and confident life. Karl tried to have a head-strong approach to building gratitude, but he realized he was doing it all wrong. Instead of trying to change the way he feels, he started paying attention to how he was feeling, and when he did this, he realized a very important shift happening in his life and wellbeing. TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Why is Karl so passionate about gratitude? [4:25] Watching his father become sicker and sicker made Karl realize he didn’t want to live on grit and willpower alone. [6:45] By analyzing his gratitude journals, he realized he had a lot of mental blocks holding him back. [10:05] Interested in starting a gratitude practice? Figure out your ‘why’ first. [11:25] Every night Karl writes what he is grateful for and why. [13:35] Karl has a post-it note on his mirror to remind him to think about gratitude when he is brushing his teeth. [15:45] Use this lockdown period as a transition time to start small and build it into something big. [17:00] Small baby steps build into sustainable habits. [19:45] Gratitude is the foundation of mindfulness. [25:05] The idea is to not change how we think or how we feel, it’s giving yourself a moment to think about the emotions these thoughts bring up for you. [28:15] By having gratitude in Karl’s life, he is more confident and happier. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Bringgratitude.com Bringgratitude.com/plan Bring Gratitude: Feel Joyful Again with Bite‑Sized Mindset Practices by Karl Staib QUOTES: “We are hard-wired to see the negative. It’s helped us survive for thousands of years.” “Create micro habits by building on a regular habit.” “We’re locked in our houses right now, but the reality is we get locked in our own heads every single day.” “Right now is an opportunity for us as a transition time to add little habits.” “Is this the thought I want to continue acting on?”

Apr 2, 2020

Forest Benedict is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP), and the author of the book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery . Forest Benedict has taken his practice online! He lives in Washington State but conducts therapy sessions in California, where he is licensed. He discusses how online therapy differs from in-person therapy and what might be the best options for you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Can you do therapy online? [5:40] Therapists need to consider both the legal and technical part. [6:45] Dr. Rob struggles with where to look at the patient. Should he look into the camera or on the screen where he sees the patient? [8:00] What kinds of concerns do patients bring to Forest about having counseling online? [10:10] What are some of the advantages of doing therapy online? [12:30] Forest does notice a difference between hosting virtual sessions with older clients vs. younger clients. [14:45] Dr. Rob recognizes that you’re talking about intimacy issues in a very non-intimate space, meaning, the online world. It’s a bit of a contradiction. [15:30] Some patients feel like when they go to see a sex addiction therapist in person, they might be outed by someone they know. By doing it online, it can be much more discrete. [17:30] Because of what’s happening in the world, the therapy world will never be the same again. Therapists are being asked to help in any way they can. [19:15] Does Forest also do couple’s therapy online? [21:05] Why did Forest decide to move his business online? [24:05] Should patients go with an in-person session or an online session if they liked the therapist equally? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Forestbenedict.com QUOTES: “Just because it’s [dealing with technology] difficult or new, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful.” “When I go to recovery meetings, it’s almost always majority men, especially when dealing with intimacy and sex issues. But when you go online, there are all women. They feel safer.” “I would invite you to try an online session to see if it’s a good fit or not.” “The convenience aspect of attending an online session is very different. One client said it was so much more cost-effective and time-effective.”

Mar 26, 2020

Dr. Rob went on The Doctors TV Show with his friend Alexander Rhodes, from NoFap, to discuss porn addiction and its impacts on today’s youth. The guests on the show discuss whether porn addiction is just used as an excuse to escape criminal behavior, young men preferring porn over sex, and so much more. In this podcast episode, you will be hearing some clips from the TV show and some of its key highlights. TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is Porn really a health crisis? [5:20] People who enjoyed porn vs. addicted to porn had a difference in the way their brains light up. [8:45] Are we really dealing with addiction or is it just compulsion? [9:45] Is porn just a convenient excuse to get a lighter criminal sentence? [12:55] “Porn addiction destroyed my life.” [15:40] Why would a young person prefer porn over sex? [17:00] If you’re discovering sex through porn, then porn is going to play a big part in your sexuality. [18:00] Young people have so much shame for watching porn alone at home. [19:35] You need to talk to your kids about porn! [21:10] For example, drinking alcohol isn’t that bad, but if you spent 10 hours a day drinking it, then you would have a problem or addiction. The same applies to porn. [22:40] The good news is that if you have an issue, you can work through it. It’s not your fault. [23:50] Interview multiple therapists to find the right one for you. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Nofap.com Clips from The Doctors show about porn addiction Dr. Robert Weiss on Thedoctorstv QUOTES: “Can you control the porn or is the porn controlling you?” “Every addict has an underlying issue. They all have trauma, depression, anxiety.” “Digital porn is available any time, anywhere, and in unlimited amounts.” “It went from an innocent curiosity about the female form to out-of-control compulsion.” “Porn is a super stimulus. Like sugar.”

Mar 19, 2020

Carol Juergensen Sheets is a Coach, Therapist, Speaker, and Author of the book, Help. Her. Heal, in which she discusses how a relationship can recover after sexual betrayal. Carol knows men desperately want to stop their sex addiction and stop hurting the people they care about, but can’t seem to control their compulsion. She wrote her book to help couples through this difficult time and to overcome sex addiction together. In this episode, she explains how to find the right coach to help without breaking the bank, working with a hurt spouse & the person who hurt them, and so much more. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Carol used to do radio about sex addiction before she got into podcasting. [4:45] How can therapists better help patients who can not afford therapy but desperately need it? [6:20] What are some of the best ways to find a coach? [10:10] After a betrayal, the partner or spouse no longer feels safe with the person who has hurt them. [11:15] Some men are not ready to give up their sex addiction. [13:25] Carol’s book, Help. Her. Heal , shows couples that you can overcome a sex addiciton. [14:00] When couples seek therapy, Carol knows the man wants to fix this. He hates seeing his spouse in pain, but he just doesn’t know how to stop it. [16:40] Carol asks the person who has betrayed their spouse to step into the spouse’s shoes and to understand what kind of pain they are currently experiencing. [18:00] 95% of self-help books are brought by women. Men aren’t reading books like Carols’. [19:10] Some men have good intentions, but for some reason, they simply can not sustain them. Carol has resources for these men. [20:30] What has changed over the last 15 years when it comes to helping spouses through sex addiction? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com Out of the Doghouse Help. Her. Heal BlogTalkRadio — Carol the Coach Carol the Coach Carol the Coach YouTube APSATS QUOTES: “People get so overwhelmed [by betrayal] that they completely emotionally disengage, they can’t think clearly, and they can’t make sense of the world.” “Avoidance is a big issue in a sex addict. He thinks if he waits long enough the spouse’s feelings will go away.” “When a man is discovered, he may not really be ready to give up his sex addiction because it was his best friend and medication.” “Unfortunately, oftentimes the partner feels like his actions are the direct reflection of how he feels about her, but it has nothing to do with how he feels about her. It’s a compulsion.” “When he helps her heal, he gets better too. It improves his self-esteem.”

Mar 12, 2020

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed therapist and certified in the treatment of sex and porn addiction. He runs a private practice with his wife in Marietta, GA and works with men struggling with sex/porn addiction, as well as their wives who are dealing with betrayal. Eddie recently wrote the book, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and talks with Dr. Rob on how men can build their emotional IQ and reconnect emotionally with their families. TAKEAWAYS: [4:30] Eddie believed he was a broken and perverted person when he struggled with his own porn addiction. [6:20] If you want to work on your addiction, you need to be able to sit with discomfort. [9:45] When you’re by yourself after the wife and kids are gone, do you experience anxiety and discomfort? [11:10] How does Seeking Integrity work with trauma? [14:05] Eddie wants you to move away from shame or thinking that God hates you. [15:10] Men, you don’t have to be absent in your family’s lives because you’ve worked long hours! [16:40] A lot of men that walk into Eddie’s practice have a low emotional IQ. [19:00] Despite living through a chaotic childhood, you don’t need to distance yourself from your current family. [21:45] Men get a lot more satisfaction in their work lives than they do in their home lives and that might be because men don’t know how to seek satisfaction in their home lives. [24:05] Your partners are asking you for memorable moments. Whatever is on the computer or TV is just not as important. [25:15] What you’re about to do, is it good for the relationship? [26:35] Eddie and Dr. Rob are not just talking about sex or porn addiction, they’re talking about all addiction. [29:05] What’s wrong with watching porn? It’s not hurting anyone! [32:50] Who should read Eddie’s book, Going Deeper ? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Innerchild-sexaddiction.com Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci Email: EdCappa@gmail.com QUOTES: “We can’t sit with our emotional pain so we learned to distract and escape.” “Don’t just assume something you don’t like or doesn’t interest you, don’t assume that’s the way it is.” “Maybe there’s a part of you inside that’s longing to play with your family and longing to be loved and connected.” “It was like that in the past, but it doesn't mean it has to continue.” “We don’t necessarily know how to grow closer to others at home, so it’s kind of avoided.”

Jan 30, 2020

Porn is not only a guy’s issue. Women struggle with porn addiction, but you never hear about it. In fact, one in three visitors to adult websites is women! So why is there such silence for women looking for recovery resources? Alice Taylor overcame her addiction to porn by finding healthier, non-sexual, ways to have her needs met. She is the author of Restored: A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Pornography. On this week’s episode, she shares her journey of recovery and the shame that surrounded her about sexuality and porn. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] What are the cultural differences between the U.S. and Australia? [5:20] Alice grew up in a household that absolutely didn’t talk about sex or sexuality. Why is this a problem? [6:50] Alice was 12. She was horny and she found porn on the internet. [8:50] The best way to talk about pornography online is by having a healthy conversation about it with your children, even when they’re 4 or 7, or 14. [10:35] When did Alice realize her porn addiction was a problem? [12:35] Alice entered into an abusive relationship because she was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy. [16:40] Alice is very thankful for therapy. She saw her therapist every two weeks for five years and it helped her process all her feelings and emotions. [20:55] How does Alice’s husband feel about Alice’s sexually disconnected past? [23:20] Before therapy, Alice was always afraid. [24:00] Boys and girls get caught up in porn often for different reasons. [27:30] Why did Alice write the book, Restored? [30:20] If you don’t heal your deeper issues, the porn addiction will come back. [33:30] Before Alice dated her husband, her previous sexual experiences were all bad. It was disconnected and unhealthy and Alice didn’t want to be there anymore. [35:20] Alice wants to help other women experiencing the same thing she did realize their power and overcome any shame they might have. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Thegracespot.com Email Alice: Alice@TheGraceSpot.com Restored: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Pornography Book by Alice Taylor QUOTES: “The bible says no. Sex is for marriage. Think about it when you’re married.” “When you don’t introduce healthy sexuality into a child’s language, it’s either shamed or tell them it’s bad, that creates problems for them.” “By the time I was 18, I was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy, affection, loving touch.” “Therapy was just a huge part of healing for me because when I healed those broken places and acknowledge what my needs were, and have them met in a non-sexual, non-porn way, I had less of need to find porn.” “I had so much fear and PTSD. Every person to me was a threat that will hurt me.”

Jan 23, 2020

Dr. Larry Hedges is a psychologist, a psychoanalyst, owns a private practice in Orange County, California and specializes in the training of psychotherapists and psychoanalysts. He is also the Director of the Listening Perspective Center and the Founding Director of the Newport Psychoanalytic Institute in Tustin, California, where he is a supervising and training psychoanalyst. Dr. Larry is the author of numerous papers and books and through his contribution to psychoanalysis over the years, was awarded honorary membership in the American Psychoanalytic Association. TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] Where do our thoughts of suicide come from? [4:20] All therapists are required to take a 6-hour course in suicide prevention. [6:50] Nobody truly knows why people are driven to commit suicide. [9:40] Suicidologists determined that the first two years of life will determine whether someone becomes extremely suicidal or not. [12:15] It all stems down to trauma and deep attachment issues. [16:35] Should you let your child cry or should you comfort them? [21:20] Between 4 to 24 months, the mother and baby have a set of attachment scenarios they go through. [27:55] If the needs of the baby are warped by a depressed, narcissistic or broken mom, the baby becomes stuck in how they become comforted during distress. [30:30] Suicide manipulation doesn’t aim to kill oneself but to get the attention of others. [33:10] What happens if you have an adult daughter or son trying to kill themselves? What can a parent or loved one do? [36:15] Dr. Rob and Dr. Larry discuss medical treatments available now to help someone going through suicidal thoughts. [39:10] Dr. Larry’s book The Call of Darkness is available on Kindle for free! [41:45] What should you do if you know someone who is suicidal? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Listeningperspectives.com The Call of Darkness: A Relational Listening Approach to Suicide Intervention (Listening Perspectives in Psychotherapy) by Lawrence E. Hedges Ph.D QUOTES: “Our ability to predict and treat suicide is less than chance. We still don’t know what suicide is about.” “The same challenges [we all face] can trigger someone who is deeply vulnerable. It’s the deep vulnerability that goes back to the first two years of life.” “The child learns when I am in pain, I can call on darkness to stop the pain.” “The child may learn to have needs in a certain warped way. If I take care of mother, then she’ll give me what I need.” “What tells us who we are is how the world responds to us.”

Jan 16, 2020

Dr. Tian Dayton is a Senior Fellow at The Meadows and she has also authored 15 books on the subject of recovery, trauma, addiction, and more. Dr. Tian is the director of the New York Psychodrama Training Institute and served on the faculty at NYU for eight years as a psychodrama teacher. In Dr. Tian’s latest book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery , she says that “All of us who have been touched, directly or indirectly, by chemical or behavioral addictions and related mental health disorders can benefit from this continuing journey of self-awareness and recovery.” TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] What is sociometry and how does it help patients? [4:15] Who should read Dr. Tian’s book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery ? [6:35] Finally, people are finally realizing that trauma is a medical problem! [7:30] Dr. Rob shares an example of how childhood trauma carries over into adult life. [11:20] When we run into the ability to have our needs met, we also run into all of our fears. [12:30] Dr. Tian wants to tell couples not to worry about years of unrest. It’s to be expected! [15:35] Children are unable to psychologically see their parents failing. They blame themselves and this is where a lot of shame and low self-esteem come from. [16:55] Do you keep picking unavailable people? [18:55] Dr. Tian recommends to use the book but to also go into a 12-step program. They’re free! [19:25] As a therapist, Dr. Tian believes 52% of the work has already been done the moment you walk through the door. [23:25] Our biggest challenge we’re facing today is our lack of community. [30:45] Isolation is how you punish people. When it happens in your home, it becomes incredibly hard to detect where the true trauma happens. [31:00] How can couples overcome their childhood traumas? [33:30] Sense of self can get lost in the relationship as you get closer, but if you let go of that fear, you end up having a stronger self. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Tiandayton.com The Soulful Journey of Recovery by Dr. Tian Dayton Healthy.kaiserpermanente.org Elizabeth Smart QUOTES: “What increases doctor visits? And they did not expect to find that what increases doctor’s visits are traumatic experiences.” “One of the top traumas that kept popping up was growing up with parents who were addicted.” “Early childhood trauma can lead to problems in adult life. There still seems to be a stigma in our culture that ‘you should have worked through that.’” “When we had parents who hurt us deeply and rejected us deeply, then our childhood fantasies don’t become lived through and made mature.” “It’s so easy to point at the person who is acting out, but if you want to get through and have a marriage, you both are going to have to self-examine.”

Jan 15, 2020

BONUS Episode: Today's episode was pulled from Dr. David Fawcett's podcast "Sex, Love, and Addiction: Healing Conversations for Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Men". Dr. Fawcett had the one and only Dr. Rob on to discuss sex addiction and chem sex in men. Dr. Rob dives into why we shouldn’t separate the relationship with drugs and sex in therapy because it’s often combined and needs to be addressed together. He also believes there’s a lot of benefit for hosting gay and straight group therapies together because the commonality of being men can open up a big dialogue and he believes that for most people in therapy, the biggest thing we are seeking is a real and meaningful connection. TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Dr. Rob didn’t realize in the very beginning how drug addiction is so closely linked with sex addiction. We have to look at both, not either/or. [3:55] How does Dr. Rob see the effect of trauma play into these addictions later in life? [6:50] Gay, transexual, and transgender people struggle a lot with their relationship to sex, and culturally we still haven’t gotten to openly talk about these issues. [9:35] Dr. David has seen two worlds collide in a beautiful way. Gay men had their reservations/thoughts about straight men and vice versa. By sharing group therapy sessions together, a real dialogue has begun to open up between them where it’s just men sharing their experiences and trauma. [11:55] Dr. Rob shares a story about a man who hated what turned him on, but when he did drugs, he was able to indulge in these sexual interests. The work Dr. Rob does has a lot to do with helping people come to peace with their sexual desires. [12:40] Seeking Integrity gets a lot of clients that have a misunderstanding that treatment and addiction are about ‘curing’ themselves, but it’s about self-acceptance. [16:50] Dr. David breaks down why alcohol is a drug. [21:25] So many people that Dr. David and Dr. Rob treat are looking for a connection and use drugs to fill it, but in reality, it creates more emptiness. [25:45] There’s so much more to you than your bodies. As you get older, you’re just not going to get noticed that much and it can be very hurtful to the ego or identify about yourself. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men by Dr. Robert Weiss Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Email Rob: Rob@SeekingIntegrity.com QUOTES: “People are what grounds us, not substances or behaviors.” “Which one defines your entire life more? Being male or being gay? Man trumps gay every time.” “To define sessions as ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ is to sort of like saying why don’t we have a program for African American men or Asian men? There’s so much in common being a man struggling with sexual issues.” “Our work is a lot about teaching a person to come to peace or celebrate their sexuality without having to use drugs and alcohol.”

Jan 2, 2020

Lacy A. Bentley is the Founder and CEO of Women United Recovery Coalition, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of female pornography addiction. She is the author of Addicted to Love , an international bestseller, and is currently collaborating with Dr. Rob on a book about sex addiction. Lacy shares some of her thoughts on why so many women feel like they have to hide in shame because of this addiction and how this addiction gets developed in the first place. TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] How did Lacy get into this line of work? [4:05] What does it mean that women ‘don’t have’ porn issues? We are ignoring a huge population here! [5:15] Female security is changing. Women are becoming much more visual. The porn industry has been marketing to women since at least the early 90s. [7:45] For some women, porn addiction is very real. They become compulsive with it. [13:00] Women suffering from porn addiction experience a deeper level of shame compared to their male counterparts. [14:15] When you say addiction doesn’t exist, you make people who are experiencing very real feelings feel invalided and shamed. It takes away their hope. [15:45] Every woman is different. Why they get addicted to porn it is often for very different and varied circumstances. [22:00] There is an important distinction between determining whether porn addiction is real or whether the person just has some guilty feelings come up from watching porn. How does Lacy help her clients realize it’s an addiction vs. not? [25:25] Why do some women struggle with porn and others don’t? [28:15] Feel free to reach out to Lacy if you have any questions! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Email Lacy: Lacy@HerRecoveryRoadmap.com Addicted to Love: Recovery, Empowerment and Finding Your True Self by Lacy Alajna Bentley Lacy on LinkedIn Women United Recovery Coalition on Facebook Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte S. Kasl QUOTES: “I go up and talk to a Ph.D., who is the head of a big recovery program, and I say to him, ‘Why do you not address female porn?’ and he says to me, ‘Women don’t have those problems.’ You just double shamed and invalided many women.” “Women certainly carry a lot more shame because women aren’t supposed to look at porn. Women are supposed to be nice. Women don’t do that!” “I have my own moral code and it’s not my job to assign mine to my client.”

Dec 26, 2019

Jason Swilling is the Program Manager at Seeking Integrity and works alongside addicts at the treatment center. He is on the ground working one-on-one with individuals seeking recovery from sex addiction and shares his experiences with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. How is a treatment center different than a support group? Does drug addiction differ from sex addiction? All these questions answered and more! TAKEAWAYS: [2:35] Jason has worked with addicts in some form for over 20 years. [3:35] Is there a difference between patients who are recovering from sex addiction vs. drug addiction? [4:55] Older patients take recovery much more seriously than a 25-year-old in recovery because they have established a stable home life and they are completely scared to lose everything. [7:15] What’s the difference between going through a treatment center vs. a support group? [11:55] Jason explains the differences between people who experience guilt vs. self-hatred for their actions. [15:15] There’s something magical about treatment where everyone develops a very strong bond within a short amount of time. [16:35] The body will heal if you put it in the right circumstances. [18:30] In this therapeutic environment, the first thing people learn is how to be intimate in this safe environment. [21:05] When people go through treatment, their hearts begin to open up for the very first time. [23:20] How does spiritual work help with recovery? [27:15] By hearing each other’s stories, people going through recovery are able to grieve and really reflect on their own journeys and decisions that they’ve made. [31:35] Jason shares a story of a man feeling comfortable enough to reveal a trauma that he has held on to (and never told anyone) for 50 years. [33:25] The goal at Seeking Integrity is to develop healthy lives without shame or guilt. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “The opposite of addiction is connection.” “The person who is sharing realizes they’re not alone whereas when we’re isolated in our addiction we do feel like we’re alone.” “Our body seeks to heal. The body will heal if you put it in the right circumstances.” “As an addict, in our addiction, we have this lack of intimacy, this inability to be intimate with others. We have to hide.”

Dec 19, 2019

Charlene Benson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and fluent in American Sign Language. She is out with a new book, Unstuck: Move From Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships , which details the ways you can get out of a relationship (romantic or non-romantic) ditch. When we are experiencing conflict in our relationships, we tend to want a complete 180 change from that person. However, it’s important to realize that it takes time to develop good habits and it takes time to overcome past development experiences that have consciously or unconsciously shaped who we are. TAKEAWAYS: [3:45] What inspired Charlene to write her book? [6:15] Charlene’s book, Unstuck, is for every relationship, whether it be romantic, work-related, or platonic. [9:40] Our deepest fear is abandonment and rejection. A ‘me’ focused person tries to protect themselves from feeling abandoned. The ‘others’ focused person tries to protect themselves from rejection. [13:55] The first thing towards getting unstuck is to develop awareness and the second is to set realistic expectations for yourself; huge change comes from tiny steps. [14:55] Sometimes you have to take two steps back to take one step forward. Your brain takes time to adjust to new changes. [17:35] Name your fears out loud when you start to feel like you’re being abandoned or rejected. Where are these feelings coming from? [24:30] Why is it that therapists constantly look at the past/childhood development when dealing with trauma? [28:15] When we understand what our natural default behaviors are, we can change them and become more empowered. [31:55] Running away from our fears to protect ourselves can actually be the very thing that makes your fear come true! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Bensontherapist.com Email Charlene: CBensonBooks@Gmail.com Charlene on LinkedIn Unstuck: Move from Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships by Charlene Benson QUOTES: “When we don’t know how to balance what I want and what you want at the same time, we will default to our pre-programmed pattern of either giving up what I want or being the one that leads the way.” “Until we become aware of what’s going on and what we’re doing, we can’t make any change.” “We so want our spouse to change 180 degrees yesterday, but they can’t. Look for the tiny little changes instead.” “We wake up every day with the sum total of our past experiences.”

Nov 28, 2019

Michelle Mays is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Relational Recovery with offices both in Leesburg, VA, and Washington, DC., where she and her team deliver treatment to addicts and betrayed partners. Today’s topic covers how couples can overcome betrayal after infidelity and why it’s perfectly normal to have an attachment ambivalence pattern towards the person who has hurt you. Michelle dives in on some of the challenges couples face as they build the trust back up again and underlines why the hurt partner needs a support group to help them through this chaotic time in their life. TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] If a partner cheats on you, how do you define love after that? [8:00] Dealing with cheating is difficult because it presents itself as a unique type of trauma. You begin to experience an ‘I love you today’ and ‘I hate you tomorrow’ attitude. [9:35] Our brains give us two contradicting messages at the same time. One is to repair the damage so you can find safety again in your partner and the other is to run away. [16:55] Things might seem like everything is back on track in therapy, but it takes time for the hurt partner to not be reminded by the pain. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. [19:15] Love becomes a big question mark after infidelity. It is not a given. [20:25] If you’re going to cheat, tell your partner first. Do it in real-time, not after the fact. [23:20] Michelle explains the benefits of getting the betrayed partner into a support group. [29:20] The partner recovering from betrayal is left with a massive hole for which they can get their support. You need a safe base in this chaotic time in your life. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Partner Hope Center for Relational Recovery michellemays@relationalrecovery.com Dr. Barbara Steffens QUOTES: “The person you usually turn to for safety is now the person that has hurt you.” “People who have been cheated on experience attachment ambivalence. The word ambivalence means to feel two opposing things at exactly the same time.” “It starts to feel like when I’m in a safe space, I get hurt. Betrayal really takes the safety out of that.” “Cheat all you want, but ask your partner first. It’s the lying, it’s the disconnection in the relationship. This will kill a relationship.”

Nov 21, 2019

Rob wanted to take some time to express some of the challenges he is facing in communicating the importance of his work on this week’s episode. Rob recently attended a conference in Australia that was a bit frustrating to experience. Facts matter in the therapy world and it seems that people prefer to listen to the loudest of voices instead of the experts who have dedicated their lives and education to addiction and therapy. Everyone wants you to take a side or to think in absolutes, but therapists don’t take sides. Therapists guide you in choosing what’s right for you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] We don’t really have all the research about porn addiction yet. [3:50] Porn can be bad for some people, but it doesn’t mean that it’s bad for everyone. [4:35] When Rob spoke at a conference in Australia about his neutral beliefs about porn and porn addiction, people were disappointed. When attending scientific conferences, it’s important to present facts; not opinions. [5:55] Unfortunately, people who are anti-porn hold very strong beliefs about it, but they might not necessarily have the clinical knowledge on how addiction really works. A lot of speakers were not citing statistics or facts in their talks. [7:45] It’s a catch 22. Anti-porn people do not want to talk about the positives of porn and sexual health professionals don’t want to talk about the negatives of porn and sex addiction. What you need is a balance and you can’t have that if you are very biased towards one belief or the other. [8:15] Rob makes the connection about how people feel about porn addiction to how people felt about prohibition back in the day. It was deeply rooted in moral, religious beliefs, with conservative overtones. [9:15] Fear sells. All you have to do is pick a side and think in absolutes, and you will be very popular. Rob doesn’t believe this is the best approach. [12:55] Rob and some of his fellow colleagues, who hold PhDs on the subject, were turned down to speak because event organizers preferred the speaker who had more media contacts, who were ‘marketable’, or even paid more for a booth. It’s a sad state when fame is preferred over expert knowledge at scientific conferences! [17:20] How can you do mental health treatment without asking about human sexuality? It sets Rob’s hair on fire when there is such a big disconnect in this area. [22:05] When you use the word ‘addiction’, you are not shaming yourself. You are embracing your vulnerabilities. You have limits and you learned what they are. That’s a good thing. [24:55] You can never debate facts to people who have very strong emotional beliefs or opinions. You will always lose. [26:15] Rob doesn’t understand why the sexual world is so split on certain issues when we all use the same methods and techniques to treat patients. Life would be so much better if we can just come together and work together. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Dr. Gail Dines Dr. David Ley Prohibition: A Film by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick QUOTES: “I don’t really decide for you or for anyone else whether porn is good or porn is bad because I think I would be a bad therapist.” “Believe me, fear sells. I can show you a thousand images from online porn that would make you tell me porn is horrible.” “When we’re talking about our pleasures and our human desires, I think it’s always a bad idea to be in black and white.” “That’s an anti-expert experience. When the person who shouts the loudest on Twitter or online or on TV gets the most attention, it doesn’t mean they have the most knowledge.”

Sep 26, 2019

Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD, is a nationally recognized author and expert in both the management of chronic pain with opioids and in addictive sexual disorders. She returns to the show to talk about the important topic of the difference between addiction and physical dependence, and what each experience looks like in terms of diagnosis and treatment. Dr. Schneider also talks about what physical dependence is, the signs of addiction, and why the two continue to get confused. Dr. Schneider and Rob also discuss how we can manage situations as consumers truly looking for effective pain management, and provide resources where people can learn more and reach out for further help. TAKEAWAYS: [4:53] Dr. Schneider defines physical dependence as the drug-producing a change in your body as a response to no longer taking the drug. [6:48] When you stop taking a drug suddenly, you will not only experience withdrawal symptoms resulting from your physical dependence, but you will likely also resume the symptoms responsible for taking the medication in the first place. [8:20] Opioids have two different effects. One is that they cause physical dependence, or your body’s response of adapting to them. The other is they cause addiction. [9:55] There is a misunderstanding when using the term “chemically dependent” and referring only to an addict. Physical dependency happens to everyone that is on an opioid after a few days, and the body adjusts to the prescribed dosage. [13:42] Dr. Schneider categorizes addiction into these following descriptions: The loss of control and inability to stop, or to use the medication as prescribed. Continuation to use despite significant and adverse consequences. Preoccupation with use of the drugs. [19:48] Although it is harder than ever to get a prescription for opioids to manage pain, the drug-related overdose deaths are at an all-time high. This is for many reasons, one being that now people are starting to get their drugs on the street, leading to them taking drugs that could be mixed with dangerous and even lethal substances. [22:14] There have also been some findings that opioids may treat depression and anxiety, and people may find themselves feeling better not only because their pain is treated, but their mood may be better than ever. [26:10] Tolerance is still a concept that there is much misunderstanding about. With opioids, some side effects people develop a tolerance to, and some people continue to have the same effects. Dr. Schneider shares a personal story on how pain isn’t the same due to the disease progression, not the opioids. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Back from Betrayal Closer Together Further Apart Always Turned On Jennifer Schneider The 5 Most Misunderstood Terms in Pain Medicine QUOTES: “There’s been confusion about the word ‘dependent’.” “We need to avoid the word ‘dependent’ because it’s good to rely on a medication that can save your life.” “Addiction is about behavior.” “There are people who are in genuine pain and now the response is ‘You are just going to have to deal with it’.”

Aug 29, 2019

Dr. Sonnee Weedn, Ph.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist in private practice in Novato, CA with a newly added satellite office in her hometown of Newport Beach, CA. She is also the author of Many Blessings and a contributor to Making Advances. Dr. Weedn joins the show to talk about the 8 Ways to Wellbeing For Recovering People Workbook, and how her work with Dr. Walsh led her to pull together these foundational habits that create profound results for those in healing and recovery. Dr. Weedn names the 8 ways to wellbeing, and actionable ways we can get started in moving ahead with each one. TAKEAWAYS: [5:20] Dr. Weedn was asked to present at the Tibetan Medical Conference, and she thought long and hard about how to best inform an International audience made up of many types of culture. She was previously introduced to the work of Dr. Roger Walsh, a professor at UC Irvine Medical School, and realized how his evidence-based research could very much work for those in recovery. [6:23] Lifestyle habits are foundational to support both our physical and mental health. [10:03] These healthy lifestyle habits are cross-culturally relevant, and anyone can do them at little cost. It’s also important for people to note that they won’t see drastic change all at once. The point is not to get overwhelmed, it’s to make little changes here and there that will bring their emotional life into as much balance as possible. [13:55] The 8 Ways to Wellbeing: Nutrition. Having good, nutritious and pure food is important. Read food labels and feed yourself well. Good nutrition is so important for recovery from any malady, physical or mental. Exercise. Exercise keeps the brain healthy and the blood pumping. We are meant to move every day, and even just a brisk walk is a great start. Relaxation. Dr. Weedn refers to it as rest without sleeping, and something that takes us away from the hustle and bustle and creates a sense of peace and mindfulness. Recreation. This aspect is important, especially for people with addiction. Relationship. May be the most important in terms of mental health. The more positive interactions we have, the better off we will be mentally. Good relationship skills can be learned over time. Time in nature. Nature is healing. Get outdoors every day. Giving back. A spirit of altruism reminds us that there is life beyond us. Spiritual Practice that is definable. Whether it’s religious or you make up your own, it needs to emphasize love, acceptance, generosity and meaning. [31:48] It’s all about accountability, and holding the space for yourself and others to do the work. In the workbook, there are sections where you can name who will hold you accountable. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Dr. Sonnee Weedn Eight Ways to Wellbeing Angeles Arrien 8 Ways to Wellbeing YouTube drsonnee@aol.com Dr. Roger Walsh Tibetan Medical Conference QUOTES: “Our daily healthy habits support our mental and physical health.” “We have to feed people well in order to help them heal.” “This is the work of a lifetime, and it doesn’t happen in 30 days of treatment.” “Nature is always changing, and it’s a good place for us to be when we are in change.”

Aug 22, 2019

Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD, is a nationally recognized expert in addictive sexual disorders and in the management of chronic pain with opioids, an area that certainly needs more exposure. She joins the show to talk about what happens when a betrayed partner feels as though they want to end the relationship and a few real-life examples of why someone may want to leave for good. She gives her own personal experience with the subject and discusses the personal growth that needs to occur in order for someone to walk away. She and Rob also discuss the books they have written together, the importance of support groups, and resources for betrayed partners experiencing trauma. TAKEAWAYS: [1:57] Dr. Schneider is the author of 15 books and numerous articles in professional journals. She and Rob also have written two together, including Closer Together, Further Apart and Always Turned On. [4:00] Dr. Schneider was a betrayed partner herself and discusses the self confidence and awareness she developed to get clarity and realize she was ready to leave the situation. [5:26] Betrayed partners need support, and they have to be okay with the independence and inner work that comes with leaving a situation that no longer serves them. [13:15] The partner that acted out may have a totally different story after recovery than while they are in a mode of lying and cheating. It is possible that partners will find out later that there are even more lies than they thought, and they have to decide whether they want to stick around to make that distinction or not. [15:48] Dr. Schneider found that things shifted for her own personal relationship once she was able to understand the patterns and behavior of her then husband. She took a first step by going to Al-Anon, and began to get the skills and self esteem to build up her own self confidence. [18:10] There is power in support from others. Dr. Schneider has found it very beneficial to attend support groups and found the benefits one of the biggest gifts in healing. [21:55] Betrayed partners are going through a major trauma, but Dr. Schneider doesn’t see them as solely a victim. [24:02] By healing our own wounds we become less needy and vulnerable, and are able to make better decisions intellectually about love. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Back from Betrayal Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness Closer Together, Further Apart Always Turned On Al-Anon Jennifer Schneider QUOTES: “The answer comes from who you are, and what you want from life and yourself.” “As long as it’s too fearful to end the relationship, you will stay and make excuses.” “All of our needs come up when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.”

Aug 15, 2019

Dina Haddad is a family law mediator and principal of Families First Mediation. She joins the show this week to talk with Rob about the options couples have when being together isn’t the best option, and how she helps her clients navigate the often painful and rocky road of not being together. Dina talks about what it is they do in meditation, the difference between mediation and litigation, and why it’s important for couples to try and work together on coming to an agreement that works in the best interest of everyone. TAKEAWAYS: [3:45] Reconciliation can work for some couples, but it is not always the best answer. Dina works with clients who feel they are better off parting ways, and explains the different choices they face when getting divorced. [5:02] Litigation uses the court system to complete divorce. Through attorney representation, litigation can be very cut and dry and much of the time is used on rule abiding and procedural matters. Mediation puts the parties in control while still getting guidance and support on the laws through experts like Dina. Mediation is also far less expensive than traditional choices such as litigation. [11:10] The process of divorce can be extremely emotionally challenging for all parties, especially betrayed partners who are experiencing much hurt and anger. If it’s appropriate for the situation, Dina can recommend a therapist for her clients to work with throughout the process. [13:13] Working with a professional also provides structure, confidentially, and an objective third party. [17:28] Dina has created a DIY program for divorce in California called The Complete Divorce. This takes couples from beginning to end in the process and explains all the forms with step by step tutorials. There are also resources provided if they do want to talk with a professional for even further support. [23:08] When there is hurt and pain involved, couples will want to punish their partner, come up with scare tactics, or even just make things “fair”. The law doesn’t always cater to this, and this is why it’s important for couples to take a step back and come up with a manageable and efficient parenting plan for all involved. [28:12] Parenting schedules can be different for every family, and can suit whatever is best for the children and the parents. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Families First Mediation San Jose Counseling QUOTES: “The scariest part of divorce is being confronted in a very difficult time in your life with a very difficult legal process.” “Healing your relationship doesn’t always mean staying together.” “Everybody has a different sense of fairness, it just depends on what side you are sitting at.”

Aug 8, 2019

Dr. Todd Love is a board-certified coach, licensed professional counselor and licensed attorney with a unique and broad background. He joins the show to talk with Rob about his own clinical practice in Athens, GA and exactly what ADHD is, how we diagnose it, and why it so strongly affects both the healing of addictions and relationship issues. Dr. Love shares his own personal experience with ADHD, what he has seen change in the field of diagnosis and treatment for ADHD throughout the years, the symptoms and signs, and what recovery may look like. Dr. Love and Rob also discuss how it shows up in childhood, relationships, and addiction, as well as resources where someone could get an evaluation. TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Historically, people thought of ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) as something that affected only children, and more specifically, young males. It is now a more or less equal issue and shows up in more places than just the early childhood classroom. [4:38] ADHD is a whole other different type of issue than mania. [5:27] If you run into a therapist who has worked with that issue for a while and have safety and understanding, work with this person as they are likely to have empathy and compassion towards that subject. [6:08] Up to 20-40% of “intensity seekers” have an existing ADHD problem that is contributing to or the cause of an addiction. Intensity seekers can be thrill seeking or novelty seeking that leads to problem behavior patterns such as gambling, sex addiction and overspending. [8:41] In order to get the ADHD diagnosis, the addiction would need to be quelled. A lot of treatment centers don’t screen for ADHD and instead look for disorders, and they may even have people stop their medications, which makes the problem worse. [13:41] It can be a very emotional shift for an adult who gets diagnosed and treated after years of struggling with symptoms and consequences from problematic behaviors due to their ADHD. [19:40] The partner of someone with ADHD needs to have compassion and understanding on this issue, otherwise it may cause a lot of frustration, miscommunication, and resentment. Dr. Love makes himself vulnerable and discloses that he does have ADHD, so others know he isn’t being rude or dismissive if he is moving around or distracted while talking. [26:43] Official diagnosis come from doctors or neuropsychological testing, since school systems require formal diagnosing. This information can then be brought to a therapist or psychiatrist. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) among longer-term prison inmates is a prevalent, persistent and disabling disorder The Couples Guide to Thriving With ADHD CHADD ADD.org DocToddLove.com QUOTES: “Don’t be afraid of those who have worked through their own issues and are now working with you.” “You make yourself intimate to people by telling them things you would rather hide.” “In order to make it intimate, and for us to be real with each other, I have to tell you my truth.” “If you live with someone with ADHD, it requires a consistent compromise to make it work.”

Aug 1, 2019

Carol Juergensen Sheets, Coach, Columnist, Therapist and Speaker joins the show today to talk about her best selling workbook and roadmap, Help. Her. Heal, written to help both betrayed partners and addicts overcome the trauma associated with infidelity. She and Rob talk about her focus on empathy towards the betrayed partner, and resources within the workbook where couples can start rebuilding trust and intimacy. Carol is always one step ahead in the field, and spreads her message to thousands using her coaching, videos, books, and podcasts. TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Many times sex addicts struggle with truly feeling empathatic towards the partner they betrayed. Carol’s techniques and formulas help the addict learn to acknowledge pain, validate the partner’s feelings, and reassure that things in the future will be different. When we work from the premise that the sex addict is the one responsible for the pain, we can start to rebuild (or build) empathy, and it is a cyclical dance of healing for both. [5:32] Carol describes her formula for empathy and building trust: Acknowledge the issue and the source of pain (take responsibility). Validate the feelings of their partner instead of dismissing or minimizing them. Learn to identify what they see on their partner such as anger, sadness, loneliness, fear or happiness. Identify the plan in forward-thinking and be ready to be a safe container for all their fears and feelings throughout the process. [11:34] After a betrayal, it may not always get back to normal right away or even ever at all. It is important that both parties stick through the process and continue to do their best to be honest and vulnerable. [11:51] Carol explains that out of every trauma that anyone can go through, partner betrayal ranks very high towards the top. A trauma bond occurs and if not worked through, the partner will most likely not be able to trust again. [13:02] Healing isn’t an overnight process. It may take the same amount of time in healing for betrayal as it does for an addict to heal their brain, sometimes even over 3-5 years. [18:40] Working on the relationship provides an opportunity for parents to show their children what it looks like when two adults trust, respect, and listen to each other. [23:11] Help. Her. Heal is something the addict will read and buy, but the betrayed partner is encouraged to be in on the work as well. It will work best when they use it and apply the principles together. The work can also be shared with any therapist or clinician the couple is working with. [24:55] Carol has the oldest running podcast in the field of sexual addiction and partner betrayal on the internet. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Out of the Doghouse Help. Her. Heal BlogTalkRadio -- Carol the Coach Carol the Coach Carol the Coach YouTube Patrick Carnes APSATS QUOTES: “Addicts want empathy in their life, and they want to learn it because they don’t have it.” “A partner wants to know that the addict gets her pain, and he caused it.” “Partners typically want to stay in the relationship.”

Jul 25, 2019

Kim Buck, CSAT and Clinical Director of Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, joins the show this week. Kim and Rob discuss the differences between the Prodependence model vs. Codependence, the interesting results she is finding using this model at her own center, and what is helpful for partners to understand when dealing with betrayal and loving an addict. She and Rob also share why the Prodependence model gives betrayed partners support and compassion in crisis rather than judgment or blame, along with the freedom to examine themselves as much as they wish, when they wish. TAKEAWAYS: [5:05] Betrayed partners are typically in deep trauma and crisis when dealing with the bad behavior of their addict, and understanding Prodependence gives the perspective of supporting them in their desire to just try and be helpful, instead of being the cause or the one to blame. [9:30] Kim has her clients look at what is right in the relationship, and what, if anything, is worth saving. [11:33] Instead of looking for a pathology or reason the betrayed partner caused the addicts behavior, Prodependence deals with the crisis at hand to try and let the partner feel their feelings and begin to get some sense of safety while in such trauma. [13:50] While other models talk more about the betrayed partners history and past, often times they are just there to get support in the moment. [16:04] Betrayed partners tend to let go of their own care while attempting to save their relationship and family. In this time of emotional freefall, judging them only produces more fear, hurt, shame and self doubt. [22:22] It is very common for addicts to blame the spouse, and that also is very hurtful. [24:10] Kim works with her betrayed clients to validate and support them, show them it wasn’t their fault for the addicts behavior, then help them find boundaries and useful ways to show up in the relationship if they choose to continue. [26:33] Codependency often calls for detaching from the addict so they can suffer on their own, but this is not always sustainable or healthy for either partners. We have to figure out what is saveable and why they want to be in the relationship, and then work on it from there. [29:22] Kim finds it’s a natural process to want more understanding down the road, but they can explore the past later once the crisis is over. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com William White KBuck@familystrategies.org Family Strategies Counseling Center QUOTES: “We have to look at strengths individually, and what has gone right in this relationship and what you want to save.” “When you love someone, you just do what you can to make their life better.” “Don’t question your love for someone.” “What I really need, is just space to feel.” “It’s very easy for caretakers to find themselves in a deficit.” “The most power you have is a gentle invitation that is offered by example.”

Jul 18, 2019

Dan Griffin, M.A. is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert who has dedicated his life and work to redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. He joins the show this week to talk with Rob about rewriting the rules and rigidity of what it means to really be a man, and the benefits men can get when they get in touch with their own feelings and deeply connect with others. TAKEAWAYS: [2:57] A few of the rules that the world has set up for boys at a young age to define what makes a real man: Don’t cry. Real men don’t cry, and if you do it shows weakness. Don’t ask for help. Don’t be weak or vulnerable, or “like a girl”. Don’t be gay. Be a protector and provider. Use sex as the main form of intimacy, and have as sex with as many hot chicks as possible. Success defines who we are, and second place is the first loser. [8:04] A large portion of men find they have no one to talk to or deeply communicate with, and this further creates a disconnection to self and the tendency to shut out others. [11:21] We’re all like fish in the water, feeding off the same environment affecting each other with our actions. When an environment is supportive and fosters growth, it is more likely a man will shine and feel comfortable to show his true self. [12:03] The rules themselves aren’t bad, but get in the way because they mandate without choice. There’s nothing wrong with strength and power, it's rigidity that blocks emotion and connection. [14:43] Gay men have an experience of having multiple rules: ones set up for gay men, women and straight men all at once. [20:38] We would all benefit if men are able to get in touch with their own emotions, and in turn they could access more empathy and understanding when women share their story. [28:02] Crisis can be an opportunity to get vulnerable and open us up to meaningful, deep conversation. [28:39] Each man has the right to choose what type of man he wants to be, which Dan terms as conscious masculinity. [29:44] Men define intimacy via sex, and it is important to talk about breakdowns in the area before it gets to point where the partner cheats. [33:18] With suicide rates being higher than ever, the impact of feeling isolated and disconnected is more serious than it’s ever been. [35:17] We highly benefit when we go below the surface the people in our lives and show them the true authentic selves. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Dan Griffin A Man’s Way Through Relationships Terry Real I Don’t Want to Talk About It Dr. Allen Berger American Psychological Association The Good Men Project QUOTES: “This is the armor that protects us, and it’s not a well constructed identity.” “When you are alone and you look in the mirror, can you hold eye contact with the man that you see?” “Such an amazing opportunity for connection and love gets undone because we can’t talk to each other.” “It starts with taking a risk, and men have to be willing to take a risk to open up to somebody else.” “The man rules are antisocial and narcissistic.”

Jul 11, 2019

Ian Friedman is one of the most sought after criminal defense lawyers in the country, and a partner at the Cleveland based firm Friedman and Nemecek. He joins the show to talk with Rob about the diverse nature of cases that he takes on, including criminal, cyber crimes and white collar manners. He talks about the law needing to catch up with the new crimes we are presently dealing with, and how sexually based charges fall within one of the toughest areas of law. Ian discusses how he and his clients deal with the potential major stigmas and penalties attached, and resources available to people who want to discover more. TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Based in Cleveland, Ohio, Ian Friedman has served as chief legal counsel on behalf of individuals and entities from coast to coast and as far as Europe, Asia, and South America. In addition to his legal work, he is also an Adjunct Professor of Law at the Cleveland-Marshall College of Law teaching Computers & Criminal Law. [2:38] Despite handling countless murder cases, people look at those that are merely charged with offenses with a hefty amount of judgement and paint the term “sex offenders” with a very wide stroke. To Ian, a sex offender can be many things on a broad spectrum. For example, it can be at 19 year old engaging in a sexual relationship with a girlfriend that is 16, or as far as people exploiting children, or engaging in non consensual physical acts with adults or minors. [4:37] Ian has taught about cyber crime since 2006, and it all changes so fast that it is necessary to talk about present cases in order to even catch up. Cyber crime examples can be online exploitation, hacking, third party intrusions, crypto currency offenses, online stalking and any sort of online financial crimes. He teaches his students to be able to both educate while still showing respect for the bench. [7:49] The Fourth Amendment touches about people’s right to privacy and prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures. This has also shifted and expanded a great deal as more and more cases deal with uncovering things within a people’s computer and search history. [9:53] Misdemeanors could (all jurisdictions are different) be anything from soliciting prostitutes, exhibisionism, etc. These carry very harsh consequences of embarrassment, loss of relationships and work. [13:02] Our laws are not caught up to technology, and we are using dated laws to fit new offenses in. There is a lack of understanding, and Ian believes it’s not always law itself but the sentencing of that law. [17:55] Charges on sexual offending also have one of the highest rates of false allegations because there can be ulterior motives. This stresses the importance of taking into account the motivations behind an accusation. [21:17] When Ian meets with a client for the first time, they are often terrified and mortified. Ian lets them know there is no judgement. He also has set up a network of former clients and family members to help support the new client. Treatment and rehab are not the final step, but more like an important step in the right direction. [30:11] Due to the strong stigma and penalties associated with accusations of this nature, it is so critical to work with people who have expertise in this particular area of the law. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com American Board Criminal Lawyers inf@fanlegal.com Ian Friedman Cleveland-Marshall College of Law QUOTES: “It’s a very tough landscape for anyone that finds themselves involved in allegations of a sex crime.” “We are dealing with crimes that we weren’t dealing with 6 months ago, and that’s why I can’t even order a textbook for this class. By the time it comes, it’s outdated.” “Sexting is a little bit like sex, drugs, and rock and roll.” “You need to go to people who have been doing the work for a while.”

Jul 4, 2019

Tim Stein is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, engaged in helping couples find the love they are meant to have. Tim is the co-founder of Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and works with sex addicts and their partners providing individual, group, and couples therapy. Tim is a bright and rising star in the field of sex addiction, and speaks about the expected betrayed partner responses, along with the honesty that must be present in order for true healing and recovery to occur. TAKEAWAYS: [3:19] Tim co-founded Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and this gives an opportunity to people on the central coast of California a place to go during this time of trauma and recovery. [5:32] Tim understood addict recovery, and got to understand the trauma betrayed partners really went through after working with a colleague. This folded into the partners sensitivity movement, which also goes along with the idea of Prodependence. [7:38] When a partner is betrayed, there are certain “predictable unpredictable” behaviors and responses. This individual has just had their bottom fall out beneath them, and also may have felt denied of their intuition and devalued for quite some time. [11:04] Even before a cheating partner is caught, chances are their energy is less than completely loving and connected with their partner. They may start to be even more forgetful, cold or distant, and may be resentful towards their partner to try and justify their bad behavior. [16:10] Partners can pick up on this energy can have autoimmune or libido issues before the cheating is out in the open. They can pick up on the possible shame and guilt the addict feels, and these cues can cause real physical and emotional symptoms. [19:02] It’s not a comfortable thing to admit struggle and vulnerability, and even tougher when the addict is in recovery. However, it is part of the important process of building back true trust with their partner and loved ones. [23:05] Most of the relationships that Tim sees fail occur when the addict isn’t able to do the rigorous work of total honesty and disclosure to make their partner feel safe and understood. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Seeking Integrity Tim Stein MFT Willow Tree Santa Rosa Out of the Dog House QUOTES: “It’s hard to love someone and hurt them at the same time.” “Every lie is going to be seen as an example about how you are probably lying about everything.” “It’s not a comfortable thing to admit struggle and vulnerability.”

Jun 27, 2019

It’s a solo show today as Rob discusses treatment and the crucial healing elements that must be in place when working with addicts. He talks about his experience running the Seeking Integrity treatment center for over 25 years, and how groups can model the closeness and connection that addicts may miss in their upbringing. He also discusses the role of integrity, and how addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior but rather an indicator that one is struggling with issues and trying to work on them. TAKEAWAYS: [1:58] Often times someone will say they are entering themselves in a treatment center for one reason, but first we have to really understand why they are coming in. While being a better person is certainly an appropriate goal, it’s really about having integrity and living in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or someone else. Integrity is so important to healing, that is why Rob named his treatment center Seeking Integrity. [4:05] Addicts are usually unable to get their needs met in healthy and positive ways, and this leads to them living a separate and compartmentalized life, and getting what they want through manipulative behavior. Healing will begin as they start to take care of their own emotional needs and the needs of others instead of slipping into behavior that allows them to disappear into fantasy. [8:33] Many addicts did not have a model for healthy families or intimacy from their own family while growing up. Understanding that this would cause trauma is called Trauma Informed Treatment. Therapists will understand they have a deep and enduring problem with intimacy and closeness and perhaps are using drugs as an escape. [11:26] Trauma is not an excuse, it is an opportunity to honor and acknowledge triggers and emotional touch points that keep us disconnected and separated from true intimacy and connection. [14:33] One of the most important elements of healing is relationships. Groups and programs can give addicts the kind of family experience they never had growing up, and for the first time ever they can learn to depend on other people. [25:02] If treatment is done right, the clients will get a deep sense that people can be there for them and still give them support. [29:08] Integrity comes from integration and bringing separate parts together into a whole. Recovery is about not having anything to hide. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “The primary problem is not sexual addiction or drug use — that’s the symptom.” “Groups bring isolated people together in a place to talk about painful topics and get support — that’s almost like a healthy family.” “If you put me in the right environment with the right support — I will get better.” “You don’t recover alone.” “Being an addict is not an excuse, it’s a responsibility.” “In order to receive love you have to live a life of integrity.”

Jun 20, 2019

Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and author of 5 books including Process: Not Perfection and creator of the Dancing Mindfulness approach to expressive arts therapy. Dr. Jamie joins the show to talk about expressive arts solutions for trauma recovery, what trauma work is, how someone knows if they have trauma, and the resources to begin working on it. She and Rob also talk about both the similarities and differences of trauma work in addiction and therapy and what the two could stand to learn from each other to give even more support to those affected. TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Jamie worked in Humanitarian Aid in Bosnia in 2000-2003, and she met Janet, a mentor that got her on her own path to recovery. Janet validated so much of her experience in addiction by telling her “It’s no wonder you became addicted after everything you went through, but what are you going to do about it now?”. This was the first time someone framed it in a way that made sense, and put her own trauma into perspective. It challenged her to take action and really work on her issues. [5:54] Often times we associate trauma with putting the responsibility on someone, especially when it is from our early childhood. Jamie explains that it is good to practice mindfulness, but first we have to explore why one is difficult to stay in the moment in the first place. [10:46] The idea of safety and a commitment to the well being of the addict is strong from both the addiction and therapy treating camps. It’s not productive to keep citing trauma without addiction, so to explore one we have to consider the other. Jamie will have a conversation with her clients about what safety really means, and how it’s okay and not “bad” or “wrong” if they aren’t able to feel perfectly safe right away, or even ever. [12:21] Jamie defines trauma as any unhealed human wound. It can come in different forms such as physical, mental, emotional, and trauma work is the broad spectrum of connection and activities that helps us know that we are not our thoughts, feelings and sensations, we are just the person that has them. [17:23] Whether your trauma is associated in your memory or not, it can play out in how the body responds. The body may react thinking it’s protecting itself, and so much of trauma work needs to involve embodied activities that help you realize a more adaptive kind of coping. It is possible that through this work, people will feel their feelings for the first time in a long time. [25:40] Jamie encourages us to give it 3 sessions with a therapist to see if there is a connection and see if they give you choice with the treatment options they offer. For example, they may be able to work with you through cognitive therapy, expressive arts work, and EMDR. [28:20] Both a 12 Step Group and expressive arts work allows us a safe place to connect with ourselves and others. [31:55] Jamie provides much value and resources for everyone. Her latest book, Process Not Perfection, can be an addition to therapy or a self guided resource for healing. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Dr. Christine Courtois The Body Keeps the Score Trauma Made Simple Process Not Perfection Dr. Jamie Marich Jamie Marich YouTube @drjamiem Dancing Mindfulness QUOTES: “I had no idea that trauma had so many broader applications.” “It’s not the wound itself that causes us problems, it’s when the wound remains unhealed.” “Part of healing and empowerment is realizing you have a choice in the matter.”

Jun 13, 2019

Even those of us with the most education and opportunities can still end up struggling with intimacy, drugs, and addiction. Executive Coach Dr. Ryan Bayley joins the show today to discuss his work helping professionals redesign their life events to close the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Ryan draws from his own experience in Emergency Medicine to coach physicians from anywhere to burnout to just looking to find more stability in their life. He also shares why physicians have a high burnout rate of almost 60%, what burnout looks like, what types of situations tend to get professionals in trouble, and how working with a coach can help. TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Ryan himself is double-boarded in Emergency Medicine and Emergency Medical Services, and holds an adjunct faculty position at the Duke University School of Medicine. Ryan went to medical school at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine and completed his undergraduate at Harvard University. [2:05] Ryan became a coach because he feels physicians and high performing individuals should feel engaged and challenged, and yet not at the cost of being able to honor what is important to them outside of work. [3:08] Often the high performing professions are in an environment where they have a lot of responsibility and there is little tolerance for error or weakness. This is especially true for physicians, and burnout will cause them to act out and possibly lose a career for which they sacrificed years and much of their identity. Physicians have a 60% burnout rate, and a single act of disruptive behavior can lead to them losing their license completely. [14:37] As a coach, Ryan sits down with his client and helps develop a vision step by step of where they want to be from a holistic point of view. They then map out action steps to get there, and the accountability steps it will take to move forward towards that vision. This is similar to the mindfulness and support that a sponsor for a 12 Step program would give someone they are working with. [22:25] It is possible to be very smart, and yet emotionally empty and dissatisfied at the same time. Physicians especially are often very high achievers, perfectionists and do extreme work. They “need to be needed” and Ryan works with them to have them achieve as much health in their career, or possibly realize they are ready for a career change. [28:42] Since physicians rely on trust from their patients and the families of their patients, there is little room for instability and symptoms of burn out. Having a coach like Ryan can help them find stability and reflection to do their best, so their health is in good shape to in turn help others. [32:41] Working with a coach is a two way street, and it is important to discuss goals with your potential coach to see if it is a match for both parties. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Physicians Health Program Ryan Bayley, M.D. (919) 951-7709 QUOTES: “Our intellect and emotions can run on two different tracks.” “Knowing what you want to move towards is likely to result in sustained change.” “You can be very smart, and also very empty emotionally.”

May 23, 2019

Debra Kaplan, MA, LPC, LISAC, CMAT, CSAT-S specializes in helping adults and adolescents overcome addictions, issues related to sex and love, relationship struggles and unresolved traumatic stress. Today she shares information on how sex, money, and power play a role in addiction, what her experience was like working in the heavily male-dominated environment of Wall Street, what monetized rage is, and the first steps one must take in order to break free of the need for external validation to feel worthy and safe. TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] Although we do see abuse of sex and power in a large public forum, it can also happen in subtle ways. It may even be hard to notice that one is being abused, and not always understood by the one being controlled. [5:16] Monetized rage speaks to the monetary exploitation of one individual by another. It can be an exchange of sex for money, cutting off funds, or only giving funds when a certain monetary need is met. [6:20] There is a self centeredness that exists with sexual exploitation. It can take place when there is a power differential, at any level of income and any demographic, age or gender. [12:46] It is almost a universal experience that women have to put on some type of armor to just exist in a culture where remarks and suggestive behavior run rampant. [17:22] Women gear up to protect themselves one way or another in subtle ways. This can look like dressing down at work intentionally, or trying to also be overtly sexual to deflect unwanted attention. [23:09] The greatest factors that negatively impact relationships and cause divorce are finance and work stresses, and cheating / infidelity. Debra works on helping couples realize their individual value, and what each of them bring to make the relationship better. [27:40] In a culture that thrives on showing off money, sex, and power, it is imperative for people to know their self worth as a human individual. [32:41] Social media has given us a 24/7 access to keep up with the Joneses, so it’s important to know that it’s just a highlight reel of people’s lives, and there is much under the surface we don’t see. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Debra Kaplan Debra Kaplan Counseling Facebook Debra Kaplan Counseling LinkedIn For Love and Money Decades After ‘Boom Boom Room’ Suit, Bias Persists for Women QUOTES: “What can go wrong when you have sex, money, and power?” “Abuse can happen in subtle, overt ways.” “Whatever I accomplished had to be 3x what my male colleague achieved.” “Wall Street has been immune from the front page social media fodder.”

May 16, 2019

Rob is joined with colleague and friend Andrew Susskind in today’s episode to talk about the issues that surround recovery and healing. They discuss what to expect during recovery, and where some may still be stuck even if they are moving forward. Andrew is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Brainspotting Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist. They also discuss his book It’s Not About the Sex , Andrew’s work with the nervous system, and the resources available to help others understand themselves. TAKEAWAYS: [4:02] Addiction, in general, is typically based in broken-heartedness and feeling unworthy. This could be something from someone’s past or early developmental trauma that gets them into a pattern where they are seeking to fill the “hole in the soul” with addictive compulsive behavior. [7:39] It’s a double problem between the shame that the addiction brings, and the actual feelings that cause the addiction in the first place. [10:50] Unless there is real help offered in the early stages, it is common for people to act out what has been done to them. Once there is some kind of abuse or trauma where our nervous system has trouble balancing, it can feel like anxiety, panic, or dissociation. [14:15] Andrew helps his clients with somatic awareness to understand more about what’s happening in the body including thoughts, memories, and sensations. When he discovered this work, it opened up a whole new level of questions to get down to the core of the information coming from their body. [18:02] As a social worker, it is Andrew’s job to help people find help and healing despite how much money and time they have. [21:12] We are biologically hardwired for connection, and true recovery lies in being able to feel loveable, desirable, and worthy of others believing in us. [22:49] Some of the themes that Andrew addresses in It’s Not About the Sex have to do with grief, shame, narcissism, emotional sobriety, regulating the nervous system, and knowing there will be stumbling and fumbling along the way. [24:49] Connection is important, but having people that are emotionally dependable who can be there in a meaningful and deep way is crucial. [29:12] It takes two whole people to come together and make a really meaningful relationship and true emotional contentment. [30:56] For some it’s about trusting others, and some people may want to feel safe in the world. It comes down to each person experiencing intimacy or a meaningful connection in their life, whatever it means to them. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com It's Not about the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy After Sexual Addiction Seeking Integrity Westside Therapist andrew@westsidetherapist.com QUOTES: “It’s human nature that often what is done to us, we do to others.” “This is an opportunity to learn about yourself, and find ways that work better for you.” “Healing does not take place in isolation, you have to sit with another human being.”

May 2, 2019

Dr. David Fawcett returns to the show today to talk with Rob about all the different ways that drug and sex addiction intersects, what exactly chem sex is and announces their new project Seeking Integrity, the first series of treatment environments that address both issues. David is a therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. They also discuss the traditional challenges in treating drug and sex addictions together, the biological explanation of why the two fuse together, and how Seeking Integrity helps others within their connection with themselves. TAKEAWAYS: [2:07] Over time, the behavior becomes fused so that the person is unable to separate the drug addiction from the sexual problem. When you do two things at the same time and dopamine is involved, it bonds the two things together much like a Pavlovian conditioned response. [3:56] When an addict experiences an uncomfortable emotion, they go to their “medicine” such as drugs or acting out sexually. As these two become combined, they have an even harder time recovering. [4:31] Seeking Integrity’s goal is to evolve and advance treatment for addicts of all kinds so they can heal long term. One of the challenges is that this topic is not addressed in drug and alcohol recovery centers, and the two are often treated separately. [7:53] We still view sexual addiction as a moral issue rather than a medical issue. David finds it helpful to show scientifically based documentation such as brain scans to show that this is not always the case. [9:20] At Seeking Integrity they work on developing coping mechanisms to lower the chance of transferring one addiction to another. [11:21] The goal of treatment is to not be perfect right away, but to make strides towards being healthy. [13:19] The brain has to regenerate dopamine, and while the addict is recovering they may experience long periods of depression, which is why it’s important for them to work with a professional and realize that healing takes time. [17:38] A lot of addictics have a lot of trouble with intimacy, and much has to do with how they were raised and what they learned about it. [20:58] Addicts need to reset their brain chemistry so they can learn to be still, and develop relationships that foster connection, joy, and pleasure. [24:18] Finding connection is at the cornerstone of Seeking Integrity, as that is one of the strongest and most profoundly healing feelings any human can experience. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com David Fawcett Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery Seeking Integrity What’s Wrong With Addiction Treatment Sex, Love, and Addiction - David’s podcast QUOTES: “What fires together wires together.” “We as clinicians are under trained in how to talk about sex.” “The manifestation of shame may be different, but shame underlies all addictions.” “People can have different tastes, but when it’s paired with drug behavior it’s going to link.” “Love, intimacy, and connection are the deepest sources of healing.”

Apr 4, 2019

Mari Lee is an author of best-selling books Facing Heartbreak and Healing Betrayal , speaker, and LMFT, a Sex Addiction Therapist, Specialist, and Supervisor. She also is the founder of Growth Counseling Services and Shine Women’s Retreat. She talks with Rob about what it is like to be a woman in her job working with both partners and addicts healing from betrayal, and how she helps her clients feel heard, resources for hope and healing, and why she loves working with addicts. TAKEAWAYS: [2:37] Mari didn’t always want to work with sex addicts. When she came into the work, her passion was about supporting traumatized partners. There wasn’t a lot of support or knowledge about working with betrayed partners, and much of it was based in codependency rather than prodependence. [4:31] Mari began to understand that the choices the addict was making had little to nothing to do with their partner. [7:25] Mari does a lot of psychoeducation with her clients about what is going on in the limbic and nervous systems. [8:55] If a partner grows up in an environment where there is shaming and much negativity, hiding and deceit become coping mechanisms and they develop a core belief that they are unloveable. Their actions then reinforce that behavior, and they need to first get help for the relationship they have with themselves. [13:18] It is often more difficult for the partner who has to look at their spouse as troubled because they want to have empathy but they are so hurt, shocked and angry. [16:45] The disclosure process, or “clinical formal disclosure” can be a very painful and traumatic time. This is a very thorough process where the addict and partner agree to come into a sacred healing space to disclose all the betrayals and hidden secrets. [17:43] Over time, a partner that is being gaslighted feels fear, obligation, and guilt. One of the most healing tools is for the addict to work with a therapist and give their partner full disclosure and truth, and the power to decide if they want to continue the relationship. [26:45] Mari wrote Facing Heartbreak for partners who can’t afford to see a therapist, or are unable to see one due to logistics, insurance or financial means. [30:14] Mari refers to her clients as survivors and thrive-rs. They may be scared at first, but she helps them move away from the idea of victimization and towards empowerment and understanding how to set tangible boundaries. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Shine Women’s Retreat Growth Counseling Services Facing Heartbreak Healing Betrayal QUOTES: “I knew I wanted to be somebody that created healing spaces, materials, support, and community for partners in pain.” “Therapists need to educate their clients in what is going on in their nervous system and brain.” “I help a partner understand how she can share her truth.” “The intuition of human beings is one of the most powerful gifts we have. When you send a woman out in the world doubting her own intuition, you make that woman very vulnerable.” “We need to have a focused roadmap for the treatment team.”

Mar 28, 2019

Dr. Sue Johnson is profoundly known for her work on bonding, attachment and adult romantic relationships. She paved the way for much of the work being done now on attachment and intimacy, focused couples therapy, and her work changed the landscape of emotions based therapy. Today, she talks with Rob about EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, her best-selling book Hold Me Tight , and why EFT gives people hope, validation, and the connection necessary to heal themselves and possibly their wounded relationships. TAKEAWAYS: [3:04] Sue got a firsthand look at adult interaction as a young child working in her family’s pub. Through witnessing the many people night after night, she saw the power in vulnerability and compassion. This fascinated her and led her to work with distressed individuals, and ultimately distressed couples. [7:05] In a distressed couple, the conflict is just a symptom of the real problem — disconnection. [9:11] Much disconnection comes from one person pushing to be heard and the other partner shutting them out. Dr. Sue works with couples to move from the dance of automatic anger into vulnerability. [12:45] EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, helps individuals and couples look at where they may be stuck in their emotions, fears and needs and then introduces the feeling of love and safety. Through this, bonding occurs and partners have what Dr. Sue refers to as “hold me tight” conversations. [14:05] When therapists first ask how a couple fell in love in therapy, it helps them remember that there once was a connection and may diffuse some of the initial anger. [18:57] EFT first gives people hope, then validation for feeling wounded. Their partner has to understand how their actions caused so much pain, and why their wounded partner now needs safety and predictability. [22:28] After a betrayal when the wounded partner is doing “detective work” they are usually not looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay. [27:03] Technology can drive us apart, or it can call for us to be more committed than ever to human connection. [29:01] Dr. Sue follows the Pro-dependence model, and knew there was something more than the codependence model after working in many clinics and large hospitals. [30:18] Dr. Sue’s work encourages people to get addicted to the natural good feelings that come when we reach out to others as a resource, and experience authentic connection. [33:31] The more we feel connected, the less we turn to behaviors that are addictive and destructive. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com John Gottman Hold Me Tight Hold Me Tight Dr. Sue Johnson https://iceeft.com/ QUOTES: “We are all human beings that need closeness, connection and reassurance.” “You need to help your partner feel safe when you’ve wounded them.” “We need to help people connect. When they feel connected they don’t need to turn to addictions.” “Betrayed partners that do detective work aren’t usually looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay.”

Mar 14, 2019

Therapist and counselor Enod Gray joins the show today to talk about how people are affected by neglect. She and Rob discuss the types of family dynamics that often lead to neglect, how people are affected by neglect, and what solutions are out there for folks dealing with this painful and under-discussed subject. Enod is based in Houston and offers counseling through her True Self Transitions business. She also discusses her new book, Neglect — The Silent Abuser and how one can begin to heal from childhood neglect. TAKEAWAYS: [3:01] Neglect often goes undetected and unrecognized. While clients report overt abuse, neglect can be so foundational in so many issues. When neglect happens pre-verbally in a child's development, there is typically a feeling of emptiness and pain that feels as though it comes from an unknown source. [5:03] Enod names the types of situations where neglect most occurs in families. Some of the biggest ones are: When a family has a sick or handicapped child that gets the parent’s attention. When there is another sibling that is very talented in one area and it overshadows the others. Mental illness/addiction in the family. Really large families causing children to get “lost in the shuffle”. A child that was a mistake. A child that was a “miracle baby”, and the parents have everything planned. This causes the child to miss out on developing their true self. [10:21] A few crucial elements for the neglected to heal: they must go within themselves and tell the truth about what happened, and how they are going to reenact now in the present day. They must seek professional help for distractions/addictions, learn to play, and learn proper boundaries. [13:28] It often is tough for neglected people to trust others and to find an intimate connection. This isolate, in turn, can lead to depression and anxiety, so it is very important for them to find ways to connect. [16:26] Addiction can take on many forms. A few examples can be sexual addiction, the addiction to work and achieve, love addiction, or a need to prove themselves worthy so they can find “the one”. [20:02] It can be tough for men to deal with the true pain and grief neglect causes, as society tells them to be strong and stoic. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com enod@trueselftransitions.com True Self Transitions Neglect — The Silent Abuser QUOTES: “Children need guidance, but they don’t need to be told how to feel.” “It doesn’t take much to hurt a child’s little soul and make them feel as though they shouldn’t be here.” “Inside every human being is the desire for connection.” “You have to know where you end and the other begins. First you have to know who you are.” “Allowing yourself to cry and allowing yourself to grieve is a strength, not a weakness.”

Mar 7, 2019

Dr. Lou Cox is a Clinical Psychologist with over 55 years of experience. In his private practice, he works as a Psychotherapist and Awareness trainer, and Addictions Specialist. Today, he and Rob discuss both the healthy and unhealthy functions of the ego, why we have an ego, and how it relates to our need for love and connection. He also shares why compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego and talks more about his book The Ghost in the Machinery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:53] Dr. Louis Cox is a Clinical Psychologist, expert in the area of addiction and alcoholism, author and also has the organizational consulting practice: EgoMechanics Inc. [3:01] We typically think of “ego” as someone that is loud, bossy and attention seeking. Dr. Cox discusses that there is the “self aggrandizing” ego, however there is also a “self diminishing ego”. This is where one presents themself in a way that doesn’t cause any conflict or rock the boat too much with the fear of losing love and feeling shame and abandonment. [4:19] We develop defenses and start conditioning our behavior by the age of 7. As we are out in the world getting feedback from our caregivers and those around us, we learn how to act in order to feel connected and accepted. It is where these behaviors become compulsive that the problems lie, and addictions typically surface. [10:32] Our egos tell us that in order be feel loved and worthy, we must create an image of what we think deserves love and connection, and then compulsively act according to it. [11:15] The ego can function both in ways that are healthy and detrimental. We need our ego to keep our connection, but it is a balance of making sure it doesn’t hinder the authentic expression of our real selves. [15:19] Addicts use for the purpose of feeling okay, where most people use primarily to have fun. [18:20] The need for autonomy and the ability to be ourselves is crucial for children. Often times when they feel as though they aren’t able to fully be themselves, issues arise. One characteristic of addiction is the denial that one is out of control. [22:18] Much of what we see as addiction and character personality problems in our culture relate profoundly to early childhood experiences of love, stimulation, validation and acceptance. [22:27] Our ego often tricks us into not speaking up about our needs due to fear of rejection and abandonment. It also may lead someone to deny their need for love, and create abusive and destructive behaviors. [27:58] Dr. Cox titled his book The Ghost in Your Machinery because our egos often operate silently and unconsciously. This book is for the community of people who have had a wake up call and are seeking good inner guidance besides the ego. It provides a set of resources to access all that the ego usually blocks for a need to stay in control. [31:31] Left to our own devices, we will default to what we learned as a defense mechanism in our early childhood. [35:41] Compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com EgoMechanics QUOTES: “The ego has upsides and downsides.” “Abandonment creates shame.” “Addicts look like everyone else, and they drink like everyone else, but their reasons are different.” “If we don’t find ways, we start to turn to ways that become problem makers rather than problem solvers.” “I write from a human experience point of view, from mine and others’.” “The ego doesn’t want any surprises.”

Feb 28, 2019

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob welcomes back Candice Christiansen, founder and clinical director for the Namaste Center for Healing. She and Rob discuss some co-occurring diagnosis that is found as an underlying source in addiction and avoidance, and why it’s not unusual for people that have sexual problems to also have an emotional and mental disorder that causes them to act out. They give a few examples of these conditions, define some characteristics of those on the spectrum, and talk about the importance of getting a professional evaluation to make sure one is getting the proper treatment. TAKEAWAYS: [4:46] Sexual addictions and disorders aren’t always based on personality and narcissism. There are also many instances where it is an attachment based disorder. The acting out is a learned behavior to try to escape, self soothe or connect. [5:45] Candice describes how self-stimulating behavior relates to those on the autism spectrum. Part of her job is to help the addict replace porn with a non harmful replacement to self-stim. [9:04] High functioning autism will often be diagnosed when a child is young because there is a clear language deficit or auditory processing issue. [11:15] Those on the spectrum are usually very intelligent, and may not get social/sexual cues. They may also be very honest to a fault, blunt, and get overstimulated by bright lights or loud noises. [15:07] Sociopaths know that their actions may hurt someone else, but they don’t care or possess empathy, while those on the spectrum have “in the moment” thinking, but do show great empathy. [16:19] There are conditions that can look like a learning disability, so it is very important to get a thorough evaluation by an expert. [25:43] A symptom of bipolar disorder is often the tendency to be hypersexual. When a bipolar individual is stable and their disorder is in remission, many times they stop acting out. [26:02] Other diagnoses that Candice sees where people act out include both OCD and OCPD. [27:38] Mental health professionals must have a common language so they know how to best treat a condition and everything that goes along with the condition. [29:01] A diagnosis is not a judgment, it’s an observation so that an issue can be treated properly and professionally. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts Autism Speaks Namaste Center for Healing candice@namasteadvice.com @namasteadvice QUOTES: “Human beings are built to connect and to turn to relationships. This is how we thrive.” “When people struggle with the ability to connect, it leaves them empty.” “I love working with people on the spectrum, because they have so many strengths.” “No matter how much trauma work you do, or how many times you write out a recovery plan, it won’t work for you if you have an underlying emotional illness that needs to be addressed.” “We have to figure out why you started, and then heal that wound.” “Diagnosis aren’t meant to judge people, they are meant to have a common understanding of how to help people.”

Feb 14, 2019

Kim Buck, LPC and CSAT, joins the show, to share her excitement in the concept of prodependence, and her own experience in integrating it within the treatment of her own clients. Kim has over 15 years of clinical experience as a therapist and works in multiple modalities depending on the clients needs. As the Clinical Director at Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, she runs treatment programs for hundreds of people. She and Rob also talk about the difference between the codependence and prodependence models, and the changes she has seen firsthand in her treatment centers when implementing this model. TAKEAWAYS: [2:31] Kim heard about the concept of prodependence and was an early adopter, using it in her own practice. The concept of codependency helped in her own recovery, however there were concepts in the model that she found shaming and blaming towards the partner experiencing betrayal. Prodependence addressed those issues for her, and she aligned with it due to how it lessens the blame of the betrayed partner. [8:02] Kim started rewriting some of the curriculum for the partners to integrate the prodependency model. She now has three active prodependence groups for partners of sex addicts, and they learn how to take care of themselves and set boundaries in this time of crisis. [11:56] The first goal of Kim’s work is to help them sort through the mess of their partner’s actions, and offer them support and hope. If they need the additional work, it will come organically. However, oftentimes in the early stages of treatment, people just need support and understanding while they are in crisis mode. [17:34] Prodependence invites the addict to look in the mirror and not blame the other partner for their actions. It increases the chance that a betrayed partner will come back and question what they did in the past, creating a mutually agreed upon opening to explore and grow. [22:45] For Kim, she had some fundamental issues with some of the concepts of codependency, and found that prodependency served to depathologize rather than pathologize. It removes the idea that the partner has an illness that is causing the partner to act out, and instead understands that most often they are just trying their hardest to solve a problem dragging their life down the drain. [28:01] The goal of codependency which is self care and detachment is valid and necessary, but trouble comes in when blame is placed on the partner and sees them as part of the problem. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Arizona Board of Behavioral Health Examiners Family Strategies Counseling Center KBuck@familystrategies.org QUOTES: “Most people are just trying to help someone they love, and figure out their life.” “If you are married to or involved with an addict, there is nothing in the world you can ever do to make that person drink, use, or act out.” “The partners come in with a lot of trauma. They are trying to manage the crisis and the craziness.” “They are not trying to fight through a label or diagnosis when they walk through our door.” “We don’t make someone wrong, we make them right.” “Find another partner of an addict who doesn’t feel crazy.”

Feb 7, 2019

Joe Saavedra, is an MFT and sex addiction treatment provider who is passionate about working with people who have the experiences that come with addictive and compulsive behavior. Joe has a true healer’s heart and spirit, and works in an integrity and empathy based model. Today, he talks about the importance of group work, his own story of addiction and recovery, and why there is true power in relational intimacy with others. TAKEAWAYS: [3:02] Joe does a Men’s Sex Addiction 101 Drop-In Group on Sex and Relationship Healing . The group is successful because it is a great support system, and helps men find healthy connections in a safe and interactive virtual setting. The goal is to build relationships and help people realize they are not alone. [6:44] The goal with Joe’s group work is to get the men into a pattern of activities that stabilize them, and provides a sense of hope. [9:30] Rogerian group therapy is the type of therapy that is non judgemental, accepting and loving. [13:35] The groups are gender separate, because they seek to create a safe space for the addict and keep an open forum. There is also support provided for the betrayed partner. [18:58] Joe has a background in the railroad industry, and during his time working on the railway his own addiction blossomed. He struggled with addiction, and it adversely affected his marriage. He got help and remarried his wife, and continues to take personal inventory of his own actions and stays accountable to others. [26:24] The DIY client thinks they don’t need any help, but in order to truly heal, we need others in our life. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Men’s Sex Addiction 101 Drop-In Discussion Group Emmaus Road jsaavedra@emmausroadcounseling.com QUOTES: “It’s the therapist's presence that makes the difference.” “Make sure you are making the right click.” “It’s not just a passion for me, it’s a calling.” “It’s about empowering yourself through others.”

Jan 31, 2019

Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping individuals, couples, and family recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma and relationship challenges such as betrayal and infidelity. She and Rob discuss their time working together at Promises Malibu and Kristin shares what that experience brought her both professionally and personally. She also discusses the importance of education and language in overcoming shame and struggle, why she finds great success in group therapy sessions and more about her bi-monthly webinars on the Sex and Relationship Healing site. TAKEAWAYS: [0:55] Kristin and Rob ran a treatment program for a number of years called Promises Malibu. This experience of opened her eyes to a new approach for those struggling with active addiction and outpatient care. She was strongly impacted by the work and applied what she was learning to her own relationships. [10:30] Narcissistic defense occurs when one has to get an external reflection of what they are doing right because of a feeling of emptiness on the inside. [14:05] Often people don’t seek help until they are in enough discomfort and realize the choices aren’t working for them and they need a different way. [15:33] There’s a lot of vulnerability in healing a relationship and breaking down our defenses. [20:07] Kristin shifted her thinking from acting based on the perceived rewards to really seeing people for who they are, accepting both their flaws and her own, and lessening “black-and-white” type thinking. [23:52] Kristin feels as though when you are connected with your spirituality or a higher power, you look at what’s happening as though someone else is in control, and it’s okay to let go and surrender. [24:45] Kristin explains the power behind running groups and the connection that occurs when her clients share observations and experiences in the safety of a group. [26:18] Kristin feels a strong pull to help those who fly under the radar with their issues. They may be high functioning, and she helps them access a higher sense of awareness and consciousness about their addiction and acting out behavior. [31:18] In owning our vulnerability, it releases us from the anger and self-righteous indignation, and gets right to the pain we need to access for true healing. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Promises Brene Brown Sex and Relationship Healing Kristin Kristin Snowden.com QUOTES: “I’m hooked, and I love this type of work and am grateful every day to do this type of work.” “Why does the human state seem to change in a state discomfort?” “I’m no different than anyone else.” “We have this wound in us where we are all looking to be loved in spite of our flaws.” “When we clear out our shame and our defenses, we have amazing natural instincts.” “I feel a strong pull to help those under the radar.”

Jan 24, 2019

Dr. Leon Seltzer joins the show today to speak about his work in intimate relationships, early wounding and healing, and the paradoxical relationship of intimacy and independence. He and Rob also discuss how defensive behavior and betrayal mirrors the world of addiction and the role that a family attachment bond later has on picking relationship partners. Dr. Seltzer describes the qualities he sees in couples able to work their way through great difficulties, and what seems to be missing in those unable to overcome betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:07] Dr. Leon Seltzer has two doctorates, one in English, and the second in Psychology. He is also a prolific blogger for Psychology Today, and has written over 400 articles for the website which have resulted in over 30 million views. [3:24] Those that grew up without a secure attachment bond to their family may have a tougher time trusting their partner. When people aren’t secure within themselves, they are in self protection mode rather than truly able to feel vulnerable. [6:09] A child needs to feel that they can be themselves in their relationship, and yet secure enough to go out on their own and develop self confidence without their parents. [9:49] In order for people to really know us and connect with us on an authentic level, we must pursue an intimate relationship that also includes us being independent. The paradox is that to be completely intimate, we must be able to be independent. [12:03] We want to give the wounded partners time and space to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed, but if they decide to stay in the relationship there is a certain point where the punishing becomes detrimental to moving forward and healing. [15:13] Emotional resourcefulness, empathy without shaming, and ability to express vulnerability are key traits that Dr. Seltzer sees in couples that are able to work through betrayal. The partner acting out must recognize how their behavior has hurt their partner. They also must endure guilt deep enough that they really get how much harm they have done to the other person, so much so that it is unthinkable to do it again. [18:54] If the acting out is due to fear, the partner acting out must learn ways to make them feel less ashamed without going back into the addictive process. [21:08] A large part of betrayed partners healing is recognizing their own behaviors that may be in place to distract or disengage from their own emotions, and to have more compassion for avoidance and defensive behaviors. [25:36] It is common for couples dealing with infidelity to be so focused on the betrayal that they miss opportunities for growth and connection beyond the hurt. You can never get trust back fully right away, rather by degrees in a process that takes time. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy Evolution of the Self Psychology Today : Leon Seltzer QUOTES: “All intimate relationships are going to be challenging. To have an intimate relationship, you have to be willing to both trust the other person and make yourself vulnerable.” “We all have the innate drive to influence others. That can’t happen unless people can confide in us, without feeling us sitting in judgement of them.” “It’s synonymous to be authentic in your relationship with others, and to be courageous enough to be vulnerable in your relationship with others.” “To have an intimate relationship with another person, you need to feel independent from them.” “Addiction thrives in isolation.” “We live in a world where we can trust only ourselves, or we can trust others.”

Jan 17, 2019

Terry Real offers workshops for couples, individuals, and parents around the country along with professional training of the Relational Life Therapy method for clinicians through his Relational Life Institute. He also is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want To Talk About It, Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, and his new book The New Rules of Marriage is out now. Today, he chose the topic of healing betrayal, the added challenges that addiction brings in to the situation, and the roadblocks that must be moved in order for real healing and change, and possibly even a transformed relationship better than it was before. TAKEAWAYS: [2:43] In order for it to count as infidelity, there needs to be two elements: a violation of contract and trust, and deceit. [5:14] The partner usually has two questions: how can you do this, and how can I know you won’t do this again? [5:47] The three phases that generally occur when coming back from infidelity: The Acute Phase - the partner is in a true state of trauma, blind fury, crisis, and shame. Everything they believe to be true has been pulled out from underneath them. The partner that has acted out needs to come clean, step up, and end all of whatever the involvements are. The Understanding Phase - what did the infidelity do to the betrayed partner, and what it meant for the betrayer. This is the phase where we assess the relationship, and look for narcissistic character traits that may have overridden loyalty and trust. Recommitment and Transformation - fix and transform the characters, and look at changing accommodation patterns there may be in the hurt partner and a realistic look at the relationship in all it’s positives and negatives. [11:38] Reassuring behavior will help to regain trust, and the need for it differs couple by couple. [19:42] The harmony phase is the innocent “love without knowledge” phase, the “knowledge without love” phase is the dissolution phase, which then flows into experienced love where you know what is at stake, but it is an informed choice to stay. [26:40] The same type of narcissism that gets the partner to betray in the first place, also keeps them from successfully being accountable and trustworthy to their partner in the healing stage. [29:44] Personal empowerment is based in individual power, and relational empowerment is to bring your full strength into the relationship. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Terry Real The New Rules of Marriage I Don’t Want to Talk About It How Can I Get Through To You The Golden Bowl Beyonce Lemonade Sex and the City QUOTES: “Trauma sweeps away the underlying beliefs that you don’t think about.” “There is a bit of Tiger Wood’s spouse in all of us.” “You have to ask them, why they wouldn’t cheat?” “Wholeness and connection feels better than the lack of wholeness and connection.” “I don’t like the word forgiveness.” “The unfaithful partner needs to get it and really move into empathy and remorse.” “Most couples that I work with do not go back to the same relationship, they go back to a better one.”

Jan 10, 2019

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, joins the show today to talk about creating a long-lasting and secure relationship. He discusses his latest book, We Do, his work at the PACT Institute, and how we can encourage people to take time to have the important discussions before jumping in headfirst to a commitment or marriage. He also discusses the smart way to vet out a potential relationship, monogamy as a choice, the Commandments of a secure functioning relationship and advice for couples dealing with betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Stan Tatkin’s book, We Do is a pre-commitment manual, meant to help people understand the nuts and bolts about intimacy, agreements, and having a purpose and vision for being together. [5:10] Monogamy is a choice, not something provided by nature. While it is nature’s plan to mix up the gene pool about every 4 years, honest and true intimacy is something very possible with the right tools. [6:04] Love that stems from secure functioning is interdependent on the parties surviving and thriving together. It is a mutual agreement to protect each other, agree on being in it together, and a commitment to practice radical loyalty. [8:07] In the early stages of a relationship we may get hooked in by love or even lust, but an attitude and spirit of collaboration and cooperation keeps us together. [10:17] While most premarital counseling focuses on our goals surrounding finance and children, Dr. Tatkin feels it should be more about vision and expectations, to find out if we are really on the same page. [12:19] Yes, it matters if your friends like your significant others. We can use our social networks to vet out our potential partners, and see how well we fit in the community together. When red flags are popping up from our family and friends on our partner, that is something to be taken seriously. [14:48] Women also bond and release oxytocin in not just sex, but eye contact and kissing. [15:48] Dr. Tatkin is interested in keeping partners together because our primary attachment bond has the ability to be the lighting rod to give hope and influence others in society. [17:48] Although the human relationship is complex, we need it to survive. As primates, we are driven by attachment, community, interaction and relationships. Humans need each other to amplify our emotional states. [23:09] Dr. Tatkin shares some of his Commandments for Enduring and Connected Love: We consult with each other first, and are aware that we are the rulers of our ecosystem. Our relationship comes first. We tell each other everything. We take threats off the table. We have each other’s backs, and know exactly how to protect each other’s vulnerabilities. [28:08] Secure functioning doesn’t necessarily mean monogamy, it just means we agree and are up front about the big ticket items. [30:24] Being able to depend on and trust our partners is the most important factor of long lasting and secure functioning relationships. [32:29] Couples dealing with betrayal almost always need a mediator to help. It is never acceptable for someone that has betrayed you to rush your healing, or blame you for any part of their behavior. [35:26] By nature humans are self serving, but when we seek to help not only ourselves but our partner, we can begin long lasting love. [37:02] To stay healthy and happy we must have at least one secure functioning relationship. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Stan Tatkin We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love The Pact Institute Harvard Study QUOTES: “People can save themselves a lot of pain if they just learn the nuts and bolts of being in an intimate relationship.” “People tend to think this is about me, or about you, but this really is about the human condition.” “More people are invested in finding the right person, than looking at the right relationship.” “There’s nothing harder than another person. But we need them.” “It’s about trust and reliability.”

Dec 27, 2018

Ross Rosenberg, psychotherapist, international speaker, author, and professional trainer joins the show today to talk with Rob about codependency, narcissism, and sex addiction. Ross explains his model of self-love deficiency disorder and talks about the work that he is doing at his Self Love Recovery Institute and with his Human Magnet Syndrome books. They also discuss what Ross defines as the core of codependency, the dance of SLDD and narcissism, the difference in getting help for women and men, and resources of how someone can begin to move from self-love deficiency to self-love abundance. TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Ross Rosenberg is a psychotherapist, an international speaker and best selling author. He is a professional trainer who is considered an expert in the field of narcissism, trauma, codependency, and narcissistic abuse. His Human Magnet Syndrome has sold over 70,000 copies. [5:25] Ross explains that codependency is really a problem with self love deficiency that traces back to early childhood trauma, core shame, and the addiction that one has that drives them into unhealthy relationships. The first step is to meet them where they are at, and affirm their experience in a way that resonates. [7:40] Codependency is a symptom that will repeat itself, and Ross helps his clients understand that they are both the victim for what happened to them, along with responsible for their treatment and future. [9:30] The “human magnet syndrome” is an unconscious dynamic that plays out no matter how much we desire to change our choices. Once one acknowledges it and heals to experience self love and hope, the true change of relationships can begin. [12:29] Codependence has never been a diagnosis, and both Rob and Ross are finding strength based ways of healing rather than looking at our deficits and negative parts. [19:23] The rules are changing on how information and help is accessible for people that may typically not have abundant resources. Ross and Rob both give out a wide amount of information for free or low cost on podcasts, webinars and YouTube videos. [19:59] Although Ross sees females as 75% of who gets help as an SLDD, it really is more like 55% women and 45% men. It is exponentially harder and more shameful in our society for a man to admit and seek help for neglect, abuse and gaslighting in his relationship. [24:19] Dependency is a good thing, and it is our nature and part of the human condition to long for connection and partnership. [25:53] SLDD is an addiction, and the pain of being alone connects them to the core shame, that connects them to the pain as a child. They find a person that fits them best, which is most often a pathological narcissist or someone equally unavailable, such as an addict. [26:37] Ross’s 4 Categories of Pathological Narcissists: Borderline Antisocial Personality Disorder Addict RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Self-Love Recovery Institute Human Magnet Syndrome Ross Rosenberg YouTube QUOTES: “People must understand the problem for what it really is, not what people have told them it is, or what they have been believing it is.” “It’s not a problem of bad decisions or bad thinking, it’s a problem of self love that is anchored in core shame, a fear of pathological loneliness and a powerful addiction.” “I don’t give people easy solutions, I give them the truth.” “We repeat patterns in which we get to the original template of which our relationships began.” “It’s much harder, and the shame is deeper for a man.” “The person with self love deficit disorder does not know what to do with a healthy person.” “Once the person solves the problem that keeps them from loving themselves, they will finally get what they deserve - someone who can love, respect and care for them.”

Nov 22, 2018

This week, Rob returns with the great Tami VerHelst, his sidekick and first point of contact for the important questions that get sent their way. Tami came up with her list of best and newest questions over the recent weeks and generalized them to boil it down to a combination of the original question and common questions they get quite often. TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Q: How does one figure out sexual preference when acting out with the same sex? A: That is a hard question, and because there are so many levels to it, it usually is a case by case situation. For the man married to a woman and acting out with men occasionally, he might be bisexual and doesn’t want his wife to know, he could be gay, or may have sexual trauma and abuse and acts out all over the place which happens to include men. Whether your husband is having sex with men or women, lying, cheating and living a double life is the major cause of concern. [6:24] Q: What does healthy sexuality look like? A: For a sex addict restarting the dating process, dating is something you do in a bold brightly lit coffee shop for about an hour, then head your separate way. It is important for sex addicts newly dating again to lower their expectations of dating, be clear on your boundaries, and slow down the process and get to know someone at least a month or two before sex. It helps to have someone in the recovery program to go over the date with, and decide if it is beneficial to continue dating. [9:54] Q: How does a recovering addict work their way back to intimate sexuality with their partner? A: Whether it’s an affair, porn or acting out in another way, the addict has been conditioned to a high level of stimulation in order to get aroused. In order to re engage sexually with their partner and achieve stimulation, both parties must have an attitude of willingness and openness. [14:58] Q: What’s the difference between a sex addict and a love addict? A: Sex addicts consistently and persistently seek out body parts and equate it with power and importance in a primitive way. Love addicts don’t objectify body parts, but they fixate on how that person makes them feel and gets caught up in a glorified version of that person. Love addicts either do one of two things when they see their partners’ “real” side: back away, because they want the fantasy instead, or stay in a relationship with the wrong person instead of seeing the reality of the situation and moving on. [18:20] Q: What are the purpose of 12 Step meetings, and why are they useful? How do I pick one? A: For the addicts, peer support is essential for healing. It allows someone to reduce shame, find a community and bond with like minded individuals that have been through similar issues. It removes the “terminal uniqueness” and the feeling of being the “worst”. [22:54] Q: How do I set boundaries? A: We set boundaries before a situation occurs, and they should be something each partner draws up to help themselves feel safer and more secure. [30:36] Q: What is edging? A: Edging is masturbation for short or long periods of time, where you don’t allow yourself to orgasm. One would do that to make the experience last longer. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Shame Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating

Nov 15, 2018

This week, Rob is joined this week by his compadre and sidekick, Tami VerHelst. They discuss a topic and challenge that comes up so often that it inspired Rob’s book, Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating . Rob shares how he wrote a book to help men, but knew that the women in their lives would purchase (and possibly throw at them). Rob and Tami also discuss cheating in the digital age, what men typically do that makes the situation worse, and some steps that will actually heal relationships. TAKEAWAYS: [3:58] Men tend to be problem solvers, and jump in and offer solutions right off the bat. What struck Rob is that the problem of infidelity and betrayal is one they aren’t so good at, and tend to solve it with gifts, and get impatient when that doesn’t work. [5:50] The title from Out of the Doghouse came from the concept of a video where a woman gets an unwanted vacuum as a gift, and banishes her husband to the doghouse. There, he meets other men guilty of similarly heinous crimes, and they conspire on how to get a reprieve and return back to normal life. [6:32] Women buy 95% of all self help books. [7:49] Rob redefines infidelity in the digital age as the keeping of profound secrets in relationships. What tends to break people’s hearts is not that their partner had sex with someone else, but that they were lied to, deceived, or that details were omitted. [12:01] Men are more able to compartmentalize, and women tend to be more holistic thinkers. They may see a one night stand or even an affair as something that has nothing to do with their primary relationship, whereas their partner will be devastated and hurt. [14:03] Tami gets many emails and messages of women catching their partner with another male. It doesn’t matter who or what gender the betrayal is with, infidelity still hurts and can destroy their relationship. [16:11] The worst thing a man can do is blame their woman or partner for their cheating or need to step out of the relationship. The man must take responsibility for their actions, and the outcome of their decision. [17:50] Other things men do after a betrayal that don’t work: asking for forgiveness shortly after while the pain is still raw, giving gifts and financial demonstrations of love, continuing to cheat, blaming their partner for their anger. [21:12] A few steps from Out of the Doghouse that are proven steps towards repairing a relationship: men must have empathy for their betrayed partner, and display an understanding that they have caused the pain. Men should actively disclose the general details to their partner, but make sure it is in a professionally supportive environment. [26:05] It is important for men to be sure they want to stay in their relationship, and are sincere about staying before they jump into all of the healing work. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Beware of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men QUOTES: “Men just don’t seem to be particularly good at healing a betrayal wound with a spouse.” “It’s important to understand that it’s what is agreed upon in the relationship, and that it is the deceit that undermines the relationship.” - Tami “Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “The most devastating thing you can do to your partner is blame them for your cheating.” “If you’ve been caught cheating, put everything on the table.”

Nov 8, 2018

Dr. Christine Courtois is a leader and trailblazer in the world of trauma and sexual addiction. Over the past 30 years, she has developed treatment approaches for complex posttraumatic and dissociative conditions that have been ahead of its time and is one of the first trauma professionals to create the field of modern trauma therapy. Today, she talks about both the similarities, the differences and the disconnect between the trauma and the addiction world, and ways she sees that shifting to bring more education and understanding between the two. She and Rob also discuss emerging research in the field, why looking at the past can help us move forward in the future, and what support and information are out there for childhood abuse and how it may affect adult life. TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] The first step of trauma treatment is safety, which is the first step of sexual addiction treatment as well. [3:41] Christine feels we are making progress in helping addiction professionals understand trauma history, and trauma professionals see how big a role addictions play in child abuse and complex trauma. There is still a long way to go, however, before we fully see addiction co-addressed with the trauma from the start of treatment. [5:40] Addiction itself is traumatic, especially to a dependent child. [7:24] The money paid by the government for mental health goes to a completely different silo than for addiction treatment, even though professionals understand the two are often intertwined. [9:42] The training for trauma professionals to assess addiction was not at the forefront over the past years, and Christine makes one of her biggest priorities to expand knowledge about trauma in areas that need more awareness. [12:05] Working with a complex trauma is much like doing addiction treatment. [15:40] In 12 Step programs, the term 13th Stepping refers to when one is sober and they decide to start dating or sleeping with partners to feel better rather than focus on their healing. [17:51] In someone with both a trauma or addiction, often there are many betrayals that have occurred interpersonally. [19:50] It’s not about blaming bad parents or situations, it’s about uncovering the influence certain things had upon a person. While we can’t change the fact these events happened, they can serve as a vehicle to understand more of what’s going on today so that they can take accountability in moving forward with their lives. [27:34] Often in treatment, one is able to come to terms with who their parents really were and accept that it’s up to them to learn it as an adult and take responsibility for their own healing. It is also beneficial to look at the attachment style of their parents, and what they got in their own childhood as a model to pass down to their own offspring. [34:03] Christine’s advice to those in the field would be to make sure there is education, self-knowledge, and support systems set in place. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Christine Courtois ACES.ORG It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You: Complex Trauma and Treatment by Christine Courtois ISTSS ISST-D

Oct 25, 2018

Dr. Pat Love is known for warmth, humor, and her practical and research based wisdom. Her work has taken her around the world to help people understand and improve their relationships through just about every platform including magazines, TV, blogs, and workshops. Today, she talks about the inspiration she gains by new research and information in the field, how she brings couples together when there have been many years of distance and the formula for desire and true passion. She also gives a formula for passion and intimacy, the strongest predictors of longevity in relationships and the three key elements that make up real life trust. TAKEAWAYS: [1:28] Dr. Pat Love has numerous amount of blog posts, You Tube clips, trainings and workshops that have made her a renowned relationship consultant. She is also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist, and long-standing clinical member and approved supervisor in American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. [4:26] More research is coming out everyday to support the evidence that being there for each other during not only the fun times, but the tough ones as well is one of the main keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. [5:42] Many of Rob’s clients struggle and wonder how they will be sexual with their partner after there has been a betrayal. [7:11] One of Dr. Love’s motivations for writing her book Hot Monogamy was to dig in and process how to feel intimacy again when there has been a betrayal. [9:21] There are two pathways to desire, there are autogenic and psychogenic. We often stereotype all women to be “brains” and men to be “body” in term of desire, but it is more like a continuum. [11:58] The formula Dr. Love came up with in Hot Monogamy is P(passion)=S2i (two sexual beings joined by sexual intimacy). [14:21] One of the strongest predictors of longevity is emotional regulation, the ability to calm, soothe and cheer yourself no matter what is happening. [16:16] The three steps to build trust: Say what you are going to do; Do it; Repeat steps 1 and 2. [18:09] Infatuation lowers our defenses, and the desire and brain chemistry cocktail leads us to focus only on the positive instead of processing negatives. [19:55] The all too common phase of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” isn’t always something to break up over. Often times, it presents a critical moment where the infatuation has passed and you are at the threshold of true love. [23:56] Dr. Love adapts her model and teachings based on the current research and information, and Hot Monogamy will be updated to reflect the digital age. [28:47] Dr. Love shares her experience of getting her hormones checked and taking testosterone for a couple months. She saw that all the sexual cues that related to her desire were screaming at her under the influence of 1 cc of testosterone. [32:34] The discussion of “chore play” is important for taking the time to relax, and block out some time to create desire. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Pat Love Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking by Dr. Patricia Love @Pat Love facebook @DrPatLove twitter pat@patlove.com QUOTES: “The good thing about what we do is the research keeps going out.” - P “You will never have passion without intimacy” - P “There’s a limit on how many chandeliers you will hang from, but there is no limit to intimacy.” “Vintage love, tried and true love, makes infatuation pale by comparison.” “I’m halfway between genius and stupid.” “If I even think about patting my husbands butt, I do it.” “Sex takes some work if you want a healthy sex life. You have to be proactive.”

Oct 18, 2018

Gabe Deem is a strong voice when it comes to the issue of porn addiction, and his passion and drive helps offer encouragement, advice and support to both men and women during the recovery process. Today, Gabe shares his work and drive behind Reboot Nation, a free online community with over 11,000 members that helps addicts and their partners overcome problems related to porn use. He and Rob also talk about the ways that he educates himself to stay current on the subject, his own story of porn use and the dysfunction it led to, and interest in the neurochemical processes behind addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Gabe became dependent on porn and developed porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) at the age of 23. [2:42] Early on in Gabe’s recovery, he wanted to go straight to the source and educate himself on porn addiction. He thought there was no better way than to go to those leading the discussions, hence why he attends conferences to get in the conversation in order to share awareness and help future generations. [3:46] When it’s articulated in a simple way, young men and women can see just how large an effect a stimulus like porn can have upon our sexuality. [5:07] Reboot Nation does have a separate section for women, and Gabe seeks to provide a safe space for women to meet their needs. [7:23] Gabe considers himself recovered, rather than an addict. [9:44] In his work, Gabe finds that most men that developed youthful sexual dysfunctions were exposed to porn at a very early age. He was looking at porn since age 8, and that was a crucial factor in his conditioned response to arousal. [12:09] What really started to change things for Gabe was when he dove into the neuroscience behind porn addiction and sexual conditioning. [14:12] Rob’s “cheesecake theory” explains that if you eat cheesecake everyday and come to expect it, your brain is going to wire itself to really not want broccoli, plain toast, or anything but cheesecake. [15:58] Gabe considers himself pro-education, not anti porn. He considers his message empowering, and gives people hope with the message that it is possible to regain their sexuality and steer themselves towards a healthy sex life. [22:41] Gabe and Rob seek to bring the two different populations of porn addicts and sex addicts together, and realize that although they require different treatment, one can help the other. [24:05] Although Gabe didn’t feel personal shame for watching porn, his chronic use through adolescence led to opportunity addiction, where he rewired his brain to a point that led to sexual dysfunction. [26:19] VR is going to bring a whole new experience into the world of porn and addiction. [26:38] Gabe shares his own personal story on his experience with porn dependency and dysfunction. [28:32] The porn induced ED test is an important gauge to gain clarity on where the dysfunction is rooted in. [30:48] Gabe encourages everyone to seek professional help if they think they need it, or if they are having trouble going through the Reboot. [34:13] Reboot Nation has a section for partners of porn addicts as well, and hopefully coming soon a section for professionals to learn more. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Reboot Nation @GabeDeem @Reboot_Nation Addicted to Internet Porn with Noah Church AASECT Your Brain On Porn Sexual Compulsives Anonymous Paula Hall Reboot Nation YouTube QUOTES: “I think people are responding to the practical information that we didn’t have growing up.” “When you bring people together that have a common problem, they are really motivated to support each other.” “The knowledge of the potential of rewiring your reward circuit at a young age is something I think everyone should know of.” “I found out that my pursuit of internet porn actually ended up taking the one thing I thought it would give me - sexual pleasure.” “The common misconception is that a porn addict is a 40 year old virgin in their mother’s basement. I was completely the opposite.”

Oct 11, 2018

Noah Church is an expert, recovery coach, speaker and author of Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn , and evolution of the porn addiction treatment world. Today, he talks about the difference between addiction and dysfunction, his own personal experience and struggle with porn addiction, the ways porn and sex addiction differ, and what he is doing to make a difference. TAKEAWAYS: [2:12] Noah himself began using porn at age 9. At 24, he realized how much of a negative impact his porn use had on the rest of his life, and knew he had to seek help and change things around. [3:41] In both porn and sex addiction, there is a stigma to fight, and people that need support. In sex addiction, Rob has seen a deep early trauma, and a pervasive intimacy disorder that affects their dating life and general ability to function in any sort of healthy relationship. [5:51] Noah has the perspective of someone that both has gone through porn addiction, and someone that helps others recover in their own struggles. [9:25] When Noah was 18 and in his first long term relationship, he experienced difficulty with sexual intimacy and what he would later learn to be was porn induced erectile dysfunction. The pattern repeated up until Noah had graduated from college, and he confronted the issue and recognized it was something he needed to leave behind. [16:53] It was when Noah watched Gary Wilson’s TEDx talk on “The great porn experiment” that he began an understanding of recovery and a light at the end of the tunnel. He began sharing his experience online, and even shared his experiences with his romantic partner. [21:54] If you were exposed to porn in an excessive way before puberty, it’s going to cause damage. Fetishes typically develop around ages 9-11. [25:25] Noah sees a blurry middle between a sex addict and a porn addict. Some of his clients have a primary porn addiction which has escalated into engaging in destructive sexual behavior, and some have never had sex. [28:12] Virtual Reality porn will present a whole new host of issues and challenges in both porn and sex addiction. While VR may be more addictive than the state of porn now, we will have to wait and see how it affects real life intimacy. [32:37] Only 20 states in the nation offer sex education, and of those 20 states, 12 require parental permission. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn by Noah B.E. Church The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow Your Brain Rebalanced Addicted to Internet Porn QUOTES: “Over time, curiosity became compulsion, and it began to replace my drive to actually connect with the people in my life.” “I didn’t have any trauma that led me to pornography, but the pornography led me to trauma.” “It’s not about what you are looking at or how often, it’s about how it’s affecting your life as a whole.” “Addiction thrives in isolation and secrecy. It feels good to break down those walls.”

Sep 27, 2018

Kelly McDaniel is an expert on women and addiction. Her deep empathy in the field helps women find, develop and be okay with themselves despite the trauma that may have occurred in early attachment. Today, she speaks about her upcoming book “Mother Hunger”, the lasting patterns that emerge due to early trauma, and how Mother Hunger treatment is different that typical sex and love addiction treatment. TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, CST, maintains a private practice in Nashville, where she specializes in the treatment of adults and couples. In addition, she is an EMDR trained therapist and member in the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), and holds an education of an MA from Georgetown University and St. Mary’s University. [1:39] In 2008, Kelly’s first book “Ready to Heal” came out, written for women healing from addictive love and sex. The book kicked off that women needed gender-specific information in a culture that objectifies female bodies and women’s wisdom. [2:38] In 2012, the second edition was expanded to include a chapter on McDaniel’s original term “Mother Hunger​.” Mother Hunger​ is a concept that has assisted both clinicians and clients to identify the origin of addictive relationships and foster the healing process. Currently, Kelly is offering two, three-day therapeutic Intensives for women who are exploring their relational patterns in depth. [5:31] Kelly finds her work resonates with both clinicians and the women that seek help. [7:02] Kelly defines “Mother Hunger” as a form of pre-verbal trauma that occurs in early attachment (5 weeks into conception in utero to age 3) that affects a woman’s belief system, physiology, psychology and relationship capacity. [8:37] A neglected child that is left hungry for connection, touch or love will turn to dissociation, or a freeze state, in order to protect and comfort themselves. [13:32] Our most basic idea of what a good partner would be is deeply affected when we are neglected or abused. When Kelly works with women in betrayal, it is a replay of the original wound and a map of where to go to heal. [17:22] The first ways we take in the world are through our mother’s love and some form of feeding and nourishment. These traumas are related to our most primitive stages of love, and continue to play romantically with both our current day lovers and support system or lack thereof. [20:46] Crisis is when your emotions and intellect is out of balance, and you are so invested emotionally in a situation that you are not thinking clearly. When those who have Mother Hunger get into a relationship, they get weighed down by the emotional need that comes up with the possibility of finally being loved. [21:37] Mother Hunger treatment is very different than standard sex and love addiction treatment. It is more related to the treatment in EMDR and somatic training, and sitting inside the grief for a longer intensive amount of time. [24:04] Women with Mother Hunger haven’t yet built a sense of identity, community or trust within themselves and others. [27:25] We profoundly underestimate postpartum depression and how that affect the ability to give love and nurturing. [29:39] The trauma forms before language, and is wired in to the body as the norm for what the world feels like. [31:30] Women with Mother Hunger transfer their attachment needs to men early on. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kelly McDaniel Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships Mother Hunger Partner Hope Dr. Kenneth Adams Christine Courtois QUOTES: “There is a huge gap between I am safe and I feel safe that goes into adulthood.” “If your responsiveness from your most important caregiver is impaired from the start, then you don’t even have a sense of what normal or healthy is, because you have never experienced it.” “Our first love is our mother.” “Women gain strength from each other. One of the ways healthy women even tolerate men are with the help of other women.”

Sep 20, 2018

Since Paula Hall’s work in the field began over 15 years ago, she has seen many shifts in the way we treat and educate surrounding sexual addiction and sexual impulsivity. She is now a leader, and between her own work at The Laurel Centre, her 9 published books and her team of 20 people in growing locations, she is a voice for change and empathy for both men and women struggling with addiction. She talks today about the difference in approach that the UK has towards addiction, gives a sneak peek into her upcoming book Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples, and what she sees for the future of giving individuals and couples hope and direction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:09] At a time when she was working in private practice, Paula attended a sex therapy conference and saw there were just a handful of speakers on the subject. Once she saw it was being recognized as an addiction with pragmatic relapse strategies and recovery work, it made sense to apply this model. Since she was familiar in working with the model of drug addiction, she decided to further her training in sexual addiction. [4:08] It took Paula four years to get her first book published, as every publisher she went to said there was no market in sex addiction. [7:55] The US and UK come from different directions in the field of sexual addiction. Awareness of sexual compulsivity and addiction came in America through the lens of addiction. In England, the concept came out of sexology, where sex in all of it’s non offensive forms are considered healthy and normative. In the UK, the 12 Steps are used in chemical addiction treatment, but not heavily for sexual addiction treatment and recovery. [10:56] To Rob, the word “addiction” means access to a lifelong resource of free support, examples of recovery and shame reduction. If we de-stigmatize addiction and the connotations that the 12 Steps must be done in accordance with religion, that may help the negative associations that go along with the treatment. [14:15] In Europe they are more liberal in certain ways, but when you have more choice it brings more responsibility. The challenge Paula sees is one of seeing moderation as prudish and limiting. [16:38] Writing Sex Addiction: The Guide for Couples was the hardest book Paula has ever written, primarily because working with couples is a multi layered and complex experience. There are two people with different perspectives and fractured agenda on the past, present and future. Paula reminds us there are some things you can not compromise on - two examples are values and children. [22:04] Paula uses the metaphor of a ship that has been hit by a tidal wave to describe what happens to couples when there is a betrayal or sex addiction All crew members must scramble to safety, and drag the relationship back to the harbor to assess the damage without creating any more damage. Then, it is hard work and dedication to get every aspect of intimacy back, building it up from the ground floor. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction: A comprehensive guide for people who struggle with sex addiction and those who want to help them by Paula Hall Sex Addiction and the Partners Perspective A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Surviving Sex Addiction For Partners and Those Who Want to Help Them by Paula Hall We Need to Talk About Sex Addiction - TEDx The Laurel Center QUOTES: “Conservatism and moral issues in American culture make it so much easier to pathologize or call things sex addiction that aren’t”. - R “In the UK we aren’t pathologizing sexual diversity, because most of us are trained in it.” “Couples work has been the hardest work I have ever done. There is nothing like the couple with sex addiction.” “If you do really good work as a therapist, you are no longer needed.” “Quite literally, often times one partner finds a freedom at a the cost of their partner.”

Sep 13, 2018

Carol Juergensen Sheets, aka “Carol the Coach”, has a passion for understanding trauma, disconnection and isolation, and using her gifts to help both sex addicts and betrayed partners through their darkest moments and into the light of healing. She also loves to use media and broadcasting to spread her message to millions, in a judgment and blame freeway. Today, she talks with Rob about her work in partner focused treatment, her radio show on Blog Talk Radio that receives more than half a million listeners weekly, the concept of blame, guilt and remorse in addiction and the shift she has seen in the field over the past decade. Carol has a deep enthusiasm for her work, and it is apparent in her work as a therapist, coach, media personality or caring member of the community. TAKEAWAYS: [3:32] Carol has an affinity for disseminating information to the public on a wide scale. Her podcast is one of the oldest, and now has half a million downloads per week. She helps people globally, interviews leading experts and helps colleagues and clinicians gather cutting edge education to bring back in their work. [7:26] Carol compiled a book in sex addiction, Sexual Addiction: Wisdom from the Masters, that she donated to the American Federation of Research. This body of work served to share the wisdom on a wide range of topics on addiction, compulsion and partner betrayal. 8:16] When Dr. Patrick Carnes appeared on Carol’s radio show, he brought up the notion that suffering and trauma of addiction and betrayal can actually be a precursor for growth, healing and connection. [9:46] If a partner is acting out and is in a deep and enduring relationship, there is a higher chance they will feel remorse than an individual that is unable to connect. Relationships provide a depth of learning, and isolation continues the process of sexual addiction. [10:45] It it often helpful for partners to hear that the compulsions and of their sex addict partner started earlier than their relationship. This may help take a large burden of remorse off their backs, and realize they did not cause the behavior and it was present long before their coupling. [12:18] Carol shares how she noticed a shift in the field around 2007 in how the partners were acknowledged in their deep pain, and not blamed from a model of codependence and causation. She began in to invite them in to her sessions, and realized they needed their own specialized help. She got involved with APSATS, The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and within a year was training her own colleagues. Partner betrayal is still seen as a deficit area, and Carol supports crisis management both separately AND together between the partner and the addict. [17:01] Conflict breeds intimacy when partners are able to work through their grief and restore and develop a foundation of safety and stabilization. Once there is full disclosure in the early couples recovery work, couples can begin to work on empathy. The addict must acknowledge the issues, validate the partner’s feelings and reassure the partner that he or she can begin to feel safe. Partners also must work through their shame, or the blame from others around them from staying with a sex addict. [21:55] Carol speaks upon an older model that looked at partners with the same need for confrontation as their sex addict partners, even adding the label of codependence. Now, we realize that this is a person in crisis reacting to the betrayal trauma, and they need support rather than blame. [29:27] Remorse is a natural part of grief, and it is common for the spouse to already blame themselves on some level for their partner’s betrayal. Carol works with her clients on building up their sense of worth and belief that they are deserving of honesty, truth and love. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency APSATS American Federation of Medical Research Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal Sex Addiction: Wisdom from the Masters Esther Perel Carol the Coach carol@carolthecoach.com Sex Help with Carol the Coach Sex Help with Carol the Coach - You Tube Blog Talk Radio - Sex Help with Carol the Coach Betrayal Recovery Radio QUOTES: “With sexual addiction and partner trauma, we aren’t going to get as far as we need to go unless we have the research to substantiate what we know to be true.” “Suffering can be the precursor for post traumatic growth.” “Isolation is at the root of sexual addiction.” “The addict carries the shame, but the partner carries the pain.” - Esther Perel In any coupleship, there are issues that both people contribute towards or contaminate. Sexual addiction is not one of them.” “Connection is the antidote to suffering.”

Sep 6, 2018

Dr. Harville Hendrix is an international expert in the field of human intimacy and human relationships, and is dedicated to teaching individuals what love is in both feeling and action. Today, he talks about the crucial steps in a relationship before love can even enter the picture, and the interesting way our unconscious minds match us with our partners. He and his wife Helen authored the best-seller Getting the Love You Want, and draw from over 40 years of working with couples to get to the root of how we can be curious instead of judgemental and find ourselves through our relationships. Lastly, they talk about Imago, their work in education and their work helping couples understand each other even in the most painful of circumstances. TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Even before love happens in a relationship, there must be a differentiation process where we become aware that our partner is not a figment of our imagination here on this earth to love us in exactly the manners we think are best. Until that process occurs, real love cannot yet be born. [5:07] The highest divorce rate is year 7. [5:54] During courtship and early stages of marriage, partners have a tendency to conform to the “perfect person” for their partner. [6:52] Polar energy is needed for interest, and if we end up marrying the exact same type of person as us, that will lead to a couple feeling disinterested, not challenged and eventually disengaged. [8:52] We tend to unconsciously seek out our partners for the same needs we are looking to find in our caretakers. Caretakers may be neglectful or intrusive, and this absence occurs both in single family homes and intact homes. [10:10] It’s typically about 2 years in to a relationship when we see real differences start to come out, the fantasy is unmasked and the partner is left triggered, confused, and anxious. This need for the symbiotic relationship to be back may often lead to compensatory behaviors. [13:01] If we become curious instead of reactive, that will lead us to really understand our partner, and see both them and ourselves clearly. [16:31] It is a huge loss when couples see the illusion, and walk away from an opportunity. [18:31] 20 out of 50 states have mandatory sexual education in schools, and of the 20 states, 12 require parental consent. [20:17] Dr. Hendrix recounts a story about a couple he met that was from an arranged marriage, and he found they had similar expectations and challenges than a couple that met organically. [24:41] Context is just as important as the self, and what gives birth to the individual. [26:39] Imago Relationship Therapy has been in the culture for 30 years, and is a three step dialog process to help people connect, talk and listen. [32:40] Talking can be the the most dangerous thing people do. Dr. Hendrix is concerned with strengthening the health, safety and dialogue of a couple when he is working with them. [35:06] Learning better relationship and conversational skills is something that can benefit people both in personal and professional relationships. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Getting the Love You Want Harville & Helen Five Stages of Grief Safe Conversations Leadership Training Imago Imago Training Relationships First QUOTES: “Love has to be love of the real, rather than love of the fantasy.” “There is a collusion to become symbiotic with each other.” “Instead of judgement and criticism, we can shift to curiosity.” “When the energy dies and the love dies, now is the time for growth to begin.” “If you do not feel safe with your partner, you can not connect with your partner.”

Aug 30, 2018

Staci Sprout, author of Naked in Public , therapist and speaker joins the show today to share her experience of over 24 years working with couples, individuals and groups on sex and love addiction. She discusses her current project, where she dedicates her time and expertise to train therapists on how to better work with females, and how to broach different perspectives and reasons for acting out. She and Rob also talk about cultural issues in dating, women using porn and ways people can find connection and love in a healthy and productive manner. TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Staci is a gender variant woman and doesn’t fit the typical bell curve profile of a female in recovery. There are certain qualities that have been typically more masculine in a traditional sense, such as identifying herself as an addict in her book Naked in Public . [4:41] Many women hate the term sex addict, and struggle with shame and oppression in society over their sexual identity in the first place. Others will identify with it almost as a badge of honor, which is more rare yet found in the younger generation. [6:31] The majority of female sex addicts tend to act in ways that are more in pursuit of unavailable partnerships, staying in abusive relationships, or other relationship and emotionally driven situations. [7:17] Staci wrote Naked in Public from the perspective of a female addict that we typically see in men. This includes behavior and a mindset leading to casual and unattached sex, typically with many partners. [12:17] The longing for love and connection is so powerful, and we can still be drawn into implicit longing and cravings if these needs are not met. A large part of Staci’s recovery is being able to do what she does consciously, and observe impulses and cravings without judgement or shame. [16:03] A woman that doesn't know how to date the right man isn’t broken, and shouldn’t give up on love. [17:23] One of the signs of mental dis-ease is when your emotions and intellect are out of balance, and you lose the ability to make a good intellectual choice. Having a supportive community that you can share with, is a human and healthy need. [21:44] Our culture is still waking up to the power of attachment, and open to learning new ways of picking partners and finding intimate and meaningful connections. [25:44] As exposure to porn is getting younger, Staci cites a study where at least 1 in 3 women watch porn every week, and 1 in 10 every day. In an ever evolving technological world, therapists must find a way to factor in online addiction with the human needs in love and sex. [29:02] Rob and Staci discuss what dating is, and what it is not. Hands off, lights on! Enjoying coffee for an hour or two then parting ways is healthy, and part of the forgotten fun of courtship is taking your time to get to know someone. [32:29] Distress tolerance is good for reclaiming the innocence of dating and vulnerability. Often times people move too quickly or give up on love entirely because of a past bad experience, having no clue how to date in the first place, or having no support to bounce ideas and fears off of. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Naked in Public Staci Sprout Sex and Relationship Healing Live Webinar Staci’s Support Group Marie Claire - How Porn Affects Women’s Lives QUOTES: “We need to look at our language, and find a language that will help women feel seen, mirrored and valued.” “There’s just not enough female informed approaches, and then women I work with are always educating me.” “We can teach you how to love better, and find communities where you can get the love that you need without having the abuse accompany it.” “Sugar and sex are two of the things that kids have to reach to.” “Not all of us are the best picker. Sometimes we need help picking.” “One of the most important things is who someone lets close to them, both emotionally and physically.”

Aug 23, 2018

Today on the podcast, Rob and his partner in crime (and healing), Tami explore a new model to treat the betrayed and hurting partners of sexual addicts - Prodependence. Rob has been immersed in the last few years in looking for a new model that moves beyond codependency, and helps to validate and support the partners of addicts, rather than pathologizing and blaming them. His new book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, explains this model and the framework of attachment vs. trauma therapy and changes the lens from confrontational to invitational. He and Tami answer questions about the formation of codependency in the 1980’s and how it evolved, the issues with the codependency model, explanation of the “crazy” state of an upset partner, and how Prodependence encourages loving in a manner exhibiting boundaries and self care. TAKEAWAYS: [1:29] Rob’s book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency , will be out in September. Rob has been very invested in this topic over his many years as a therapist, including his PhD dissertation on codependency. [2:06] Q: Why did Rob write Prodependence? A: For the first ten years that Rob was in practice from 1991 - 2001, partners of sex addicts were treated using codependency, the same model that was used for alcohol and drug addiction. This speaks to not just what is going on with the addict, but assumes that a partner’s distress and anger has to do with their own early life experiences instead of the trauma they feel from the addict’s behavior. Codependency says that we are working out and repeating patterns from unresolved relationships. [3:45] There is an assumption, in the models we have been working with, that the partner is somehow in part responsible for maintaining addiction. [5:21] Prodependence states that every action a partner or loved one takes - enabling, rescuing, even nagging, is acting out of love. It is the nature of relationships where we are attached, and looking out for our primary bond. When our primary bond is threatened, what seems like “crazy” behavior is really just the partner trying to step up and save their family. [6:21] Codependency came out in the 1980’s, and became a big pop culture issue during the rise of feminism. It emphasized that partners look at themselves and take accountability, while prodepenence recognizes the partner is going through a major crisis and must be treated for the trauma happening in that present moment for at least the first 60-90 days. [8:51] When we experience a loss and grieve, we have regrets and remorse as part of the process. It’s natural for partners to blame themselves, rather than realize they have been victimized. There is an emphasis in codependency to look at the partners behavior, and from that, surmise how they enabled the addict’s behavior. [12:37] Prodepenency supports the proven fact that we do better in life, work and social situations when we have a stable relationship and attached bonds. [13:35] In the early stages of treatment, it’s important to acknowledge the partner’s suffering and efforts to keep their family together. [15:35] Q: Do you think that Codependence Treatment as a trauma based model can actually be counterproductive when working with loved ones of addicts? A: The essence of codependency is a trauma based and deficit based model. It says to the partner, you have some problems in the way you love, and pathologizes them to feel wrong and broken for the love they have been trying to show in order to save their family and marriage. Prodependency has empathy for the way they have been trying to love, and supports and teaches them to find a different way. [21:33] When partners come in to seek help, they often have been lied to and had their suspicions doubted over a long period time. It’s not their early trauma that makes them feel “crazy”, it’s the thought of their whole world being a lie, or getting information that takes the bottom out of everything they have believed to be true. [24:04] Prodependence says partners act “crazy” because they have been living in a crazy and traumatic situation and living with an active addict who has been lying, cheating and gaslighting them. That’s enough trauma for the first couple months of treatment, rather than spend time focusing on why they may be acting out from their own childhood. [25:36] Q: Do you think a lot of therapists have evolved away from the true Codependence trauma based work, but have lacked the language to express this evolution, perhaps until now with Prodependence? A: As the Codependence model evolved in the culture, the emphasis began to grow more on the partner’s responsibility for why their addict partner was acting out. Even though the field has naturally evolved its stance from blaming addicts partners, the only formal model that therapists have had has been codependency. [28:51] The goals of Codependency for partners to take care of themselves, set better boundaries and love in a healthy way is well intentioned, but demoralizing and defeating as soon as they are blamed or there is something wrong with them. [33:15] Someone in a crisis needs simple direction, support, validation and hope, which is what the Prodependence model offers. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Women Who Love too Much Codependent No More Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “A spouse will never be responsible for any behavior that an addict does.” “I don’t believe that dependency is a bad thing. I think it’s a good thing. We lean into the people we love, and fill in each others weaknesses.” “Partners of addicts are in crisis. People in a crisis need support, direction, education and hope. They don’t need to look at their own issues or history.” “When this person that you love becomes a life trauma themselves, you are going to be traumatized and be in grief.” “I don’t think any of us grow up learning how to love into a house on fire.” “We know that trauma precipitates addiction, but that doesn't’ mean it precipitates addiction in a partner.” “If you’re a mess, it’s because you’ve been living with an active addict.”

Aug 16, 2018

In today’s episode, Rob digs in deeper on the topic of sexuality and sexual addiction in gay men. He discusses the different norms in gay vs. heterosexual communities, what determines an addictive or compulsive sexual behavior, and the specific challenges gay men have in building relationship intimacy. There are both many differences and similarities in how gay and straight men act out in addiction, and also specific knowledge therapists need to have when working with the gay population. TAKEAWAYS: [1:39] When Rob entered the field of work in the Sexual Addiction and Compulsion in the 90’s, we were dealing with the height of the HIV crisis. Many of the men that were behaving in unsafe or promiscuous ways were sex addicts, and there were not a lot of educated experts to help them. [3:33] Rob wrote the book Cruise Control in 2003, which is the first and only book of its kind. In 2013, he updated it to include the present-day landscape of certain drug use such as methamphetamines, social media and hook up apps, and marriage. [4:56] Gay men exist in different cultural expectancies and behavioral patterns than the heterosexual population. There is also a lack of cultural validation over time for long-term intimacy building. [5:31] Many gay men have grown up being encouraged to appear a certain way and hide or deny their sexuality. They are already accustomed to having a front-facing presentation to the world of who they really are not, which is also a what sex addicts possess. [6:22] Most gay men don’t get to date in high school and end up repressing their sexuality, so there is a delayed adolescence and they often explore sexuality, relationships and intimacy starting in their 20’s. [7:02] Unfortunately in the gay world, there aren’t a lot of role models for healthy long term dating and relationship building. Younger men often don’t get to see what a healthy gay coupleship looks like, because once gay men find their partners they typically leave the singles scenes and join the paired up community. [8:34] The tendency for males to want to dominate and lead may not produce the same type of synergistic male / female relationship that produces empathy, intimacy and compassion. If two men want to be together, they will have to learn these skills and work on their affiliation. On the other hand, lesbians usually need help with individuation in relationships, as they tend to enmesh quickly in the beginning. [9:54] If an individual is demeaned and devalued for their sexuality, it is natural for them to internalize and act out against it. [11:11] We don’t talk about HIV or AIDS very much anymore, even though we lost 350,000 people before we got medication. The cultural response is almost as if it didn’t happen, and that is something that gay men live with every day. [12:18] Men share common characteristics on how they view sexuality, relationships and intimacy. The traumas that drive straight men to act out sexually are the same ones in gay men. Men are visual by nature, and it’s not unusual for gay men to have body issues, food issues and stresses among their physical image. [13:58] Gay men act out in similar ways as straight men, whether it’s a hookup app, webcams, a club, or a one-night stand. Grindr has been helpful of taking gay men out of dark alleys and put them on the same dating and relationship ground as heterosexuals. [18:03] The #2 leading addiction problem in America after opioid addiction is ChemSex. It’s difficult to compartmentalize what pieces belong to the sex addiction, and what pieces belong to drug addiction. Recovery from meth and sex addiction is a long and challenging process. [20:34] In treating gay male sex addicts, it is imperative for the therapist to know the lingo and how gay men view sexual experiences, not pathologize, and know that they will most likely need to learn intimacy. They will need guidance on finding places, hobbies activities to go to where they can grow their community, receive peer support and build their skills without being sexual. The therapist must be open to many non typical therapy topics such as sex toys, threesomes and open relationships. [23:04] Many times gay men believe part of being gay is having many sexual partners and experiences. That may be the case, but doesn’t have to be true for someone that is relationship and commitment seeking. [24:55] In the healing process where heterosexual and gay men are both present, the men bond together as men, rather than necessarily around sexualization or homophobia. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Shame Grindr The Urge to Merge QUOTES: “Being a gay male who is a sex addict, it’s a difficult thing to identify, own and work past because of the cultural issues that are involved.” “There are fewer cultural boundaries for potentially excessive sexual behavior among gay men.” “Most gay men already know how to do that (have a front facing presentation of themselves that didn’t fully show who they are) because they grew up hiding their sexuality.” “Homosexuals have not had the 2-3000 years of relationship building experiences and skills, because it has never been acceptable. “Being a gay woman or man means you live in a subculture that is exposed to extensive cultural, legal, and religious oppression directly related to your sexuality.” “It all adds up to the same thing if you are an addict - that hole in the soul that never gets filled up and you are always running looking for a rescue.”

Aug 9, 2018

Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack are on a mission to help people know what healthy dating and true intimacy look like. On today’s episode, they join Rob for a talk about their own journey as Licensed Therapists, their great work with One Layer Deeper, the common struggles they find from men and women moving from addiction to dating, the mistakes addicts make when they do go back in the dating pool, and their very own Dating Intensives. TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Addicts tend to pick up other people’s issues and focus on the person they are dating rather than themselves, possibly to control and evade feelings of isolation and lack of control. [6:04] One of the things that surprises Jonathon and Jackie most in their work is the wants, needs and desires men and women show in relationships that may have otherwise been clouded and buried in addiction. [7:19] When a sex addict goes out in the dating world without the flirtation, seduction and the need for control, they are actually quite vulnerable. That fear and anxiety is a large part of what addicts try to avoid. [10:20] Profound changes happen in addiction within a group dynamic with the common intention is getting sober and supporting individual recovery. It’s scary often times for individuals to move into the “wild” dating scene where heartbreak, emotion and intimacy must occur to feel genuinely loved and appreciated. [11:57] Jackie and Jonathon speak about their Intensives, and how the outcomes usually are deeper and wider than ever imagined. [14:44] Love addicts realize that dating is a numbers game, and often when the second or third date isn’t working out, they just give up. When in actuality, dating in recovery is conversation, a “get to know you” type of activity such as a walk in the park, and short periods of time where you get together and get to know someone. There are multiple reasons people date including friendship and companionship, rather than just being enmeshed or focused on sex. [19:46] Jonathon and Jackie help men and women become informed and authentic partners within their own relationships. Whereas before someone may have felt unlovable and hopeless, they teach their clients how to pick a date based on appreciating someone for their core values. [25:29] Octytocin is the hormone in our brain that bonds us to our loved ones, and often released on the women’s behalf typically during sex. In Jonathon and Jackie’s intensive, they coach women on dating to enjoy themselves rather than sole focus of becoming bonded and dependent on their partner. [30:20] Jackie defines trauma as “anything else than nurturing at critical points.” RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Healing Paths Recovery If the Budda Dated If the Budda Married One Layer Deeper QUOTES: “I see a lot of men early in recovery discover for the first time that they get to take a very active role in creating relationships, instead of the relationship just forming around them.” “It moves into a back and forth chess game into a really collaborative process.” “You have to have a little of that spark to date someone, but too much of it and you might not know who they are.” “Half the battle is not stopping the behavior, it’s learning to be intimate.”

Aug 2, 2018

Michelle Mays joins the podcast to talk about how the model of working with partners of addicts, her own story of partner betrayal and how it fueled her to make a positive impact in the field, her complex betrayal trauma model, and how partners that have been cheated on finding their way to healing themselves and find peace again. Michelle runs PartnerHope site and has an amazing treatment center of her own, the Center for Relational Recovery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Michelle Mays received her Masters in Counseling in 2001 in Seattle, Washington where she then opened a private practice. In 2005 she crossed the country and moved back to Northern Virginia where she opened a private practice in Leesburg. One of Michelle’s passions is to educate and train other counselors to become excellent providers of care and healing for clients. In 2011 Michelle founded the Center for Relational Recovery, a counseling and training center focused on providing leading-edge treatment to sex addicts, partners of sex addicts, trauma survivors, and those struggling with relationship issues. [2:45] Michelle herself was in a relationship with someone that was a sex addict, so she had her own journey dealing with the hurt and struggle of getting help. She found that many people didn’t understand addiction treatment, and they minimized her confusion, pain, anger and distress. [8:23] When betrayed partners come in reeling from the pain of infidelity, they are in the middle of an unfolding trauma. Michelle realizes that it is a very visceral response, and it’s important for the therapist to realize they are seeing people in the middle of a crisis. [11:23] It’s important for therapists to notice their own stress levels and deal with them appropriately rather than trying to lessen someone’s pain due to their own internal feelings of overwhelm to a strong and emotional reaction. [13:13] Grief counselors know that people are blaming themselves and feeling a lot of remorse. Rob’s experience is that partners coming in who have just been betrayed also are experiencing grief, and therefore remorse. [14:51] Michelle has developed a model for working with complex betrayal trauma, which looks at three different components that bleed together. Attachment trauma affects the way your attachment system has been impacted by the betrayal, and how the healthy bond has been disrupted and impacted. When things are traumatic in the relationship, it deregulates the partner rather than providing a sense of safety. Emotional and psychological trauma which are the result of being lied to and being manipulated in your perception of reality. This creates doubt and is most definitely a form of abuse. Rob says the intention of the cheater is not to hurt their partner, in fact, they are not thinking about the other partner's emotions at all. They are trying to cover their own tracks, without much thought to anyone else’s feelings. Sexual trauma ranges across the board and affects many facets of the partner’s identity and sexual confidence. [27:23] The betrayed partners must fully understand the depth of the betrayal, so they can know all the information, feel the pain and move on. Michelle says it takes at least a year for the betrayed partner to begin to feel like themselves again in the relationship. [27:48] When partners do detective work, they may find bits and pieces that hurt them more. It takes the other partner to sit down and tell them everything so they can get a full idea of what’s happening. [30:01] The more Michelle looks at research on attachment, the more she understands why such a high number of partners stay together after a betrayal. [30:30] On her website for betrayed partners, Partner Hope , Michelle has written about the shame that betrayed partners feel when deciding to stay. Our cultural story about leaving and never looking back is very different from the reality of what is happening. [33:11] At the Center for Relational Recovery, Michelle and her team treat the addict, partner and the relationship all at one time. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Partner Hope Center for Relational Recovery michellemays@relationalrecovery.com QUOTES: “There’s this idea that if your partner cheats on you and you’re female, you have either done something or not done something. This causes partners to internalize and feel an enormous amount of shame.” “When you have a partner coming in to your office, there is no post for them, they are usually mid-trauma.” “When people pair up in long-term relationships, they actually become one biological unit. You truly become an organism together.” “Most addicts and cheaters are caught in a dilemma because they have competing attachments, their partner and the cheating or affair partner.” “If you can’t bear to be sexual with your partner, there is something seriously wrong.” “Detective work and sleuthing is a way to have control over an out of control situation.”

Jul 26, 2018

Today Rob welcomes respected colleague and filmmaker, Paul Ginocchio. Paul talks about his work as an MFT and CSAT, and the intention and inspiration behind creating his film The Courage to Love. He and Rob dig deeper on the difference between sex addiction and offending, the positive emotional impact upon men that stand up and speak out about their sexual problems, and about how Paul himself moved forward to find healing and redemption in his own struggles. Paul’s willingness to share and put himself out there has created a path for many to help rebuild their own lives and find recovery and love that they may have never thought possible. TAKEAWAYS: [1:09] Paul is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT, CSAT, with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay area. He specializes in couples therapy, and the assessment and treatment of sexual addiction. Paul is also the creator of the film The Courage To Love , a pioneering documentary film about sex addiction that tells the personal journeys of four individuals from the shame of sexual addiction to the hope and healing of recovery. [5:07] In Paul’s personal case of sex addiction, he felt it became an almost pathological need for release and validation to gratify him as an individual and his own self-worth. In his teenage years, he felt like porn was the first red flag where he knew he was out of control, but didn’t know what the term for it was or where to even begin to seek help. [6:25] Paul went to his first meeting in the Mission District in San Francisco during the mid 90’s, and tells his account of how intimidating the first experience of talking about his issue was to him. He was petrified but knew he had something in common with the guys, even though their particular story was different than his. It took him a few years of attending on and off before he fully committed to the 12-step program with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. [10:22] Paul encourages first-timers to commit to attending at least five meetings, and understand that it’s normal and natural to compare yourself to others in the room, both for better or worse. [11:49] Paul has a background in documentary filmmaking and possessed a love for making film and videos since childhood. As part of his 11-step he went to a 10 day silent meditation retreat, and the idea of the film and the title came to him as he was mid-retreat. He started shooting it 2007 while in grad school as a therapist, and first tried to pull from his connections within S.L.A.A, but quickly realized most people wanted to remain anonymous and weren’t ready to be public about their addiction and struggles. Despite his initial hesitation, he appeared as a subject in the video, and found Jay by googling “sex addiction memoirs”. Jay then introduced him to Greg, and years later Silvia got in touch and she was added, which has been a saving grace to connect females to the film. [15:56] Paul chose to go even beyond sex addiction and include Jay, who was an offender and who acts out in exhibitionism. [17:46] Exhibitionism and voyeurism are misdemeanor offenses, and often have highly addictive components. Sexual offending is exhibiting and engaging in nonconsensual sex and/or behavior. The Courage to Love film gives hope to the offender community, that there is a place to go and get help. [21:46] Paul talks about how the film has affected his work as a therapist, and the ability for the stories in the film to inspire others to open up and share their own stories. If he had to make a new film today, he would broaden the perspective to include the partner and spouses of addicts and couples in recovery. [30:15] The landscape of today’s modern digital age produces a much different plight than over the recent decades. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men The Courage To Love The Courage to Love on Amazon The Courage to Love on YouTube S.L.A.A. Erica Garza - Getting Off Robert Weiss on Megyn Kelly Today Discussing Female Sex Addiction Paul Ginocchio QUOTES: “All of us were out of control at some point in our journey, and personally crazy in the world around sex.” - PG “To hear other men talk about their struggles and their emotions, there was a part of me that thought it was awesome, yet terrifying as well.” - PG “I bumped up against this closet of shame that I thought wasn’t going to be there because I knew so many people for so many years in recovery.” - PG “The secrecy of the disease of addiction is part of the stigma.” - RW “The only understanding I had of sex addiction was my own journey, and all that I read.” - PG “A therapist is only as good as the work they have done on themselves.” - RW “When we get to diffuse that shame and that self-hatred and give people hope, change happens quickly.” - RW

Jul 19, 2018

Dr. Carol Clark, Board Certified Sex Therapist and Board Certified Transgender Care Therapist, joins Ron for a talk on human sexuality, addiction and intimacy. She and Rob discuss what it really means to be a sex addict, the difference between true addiction and a behavior that is deemed unacceptable, and how we face, process, and move forward in situations that are often confusing and difficult. Lastly, Dr. Clark shares the variety of interventions that she currently uses to assist clients seeking personal growth and mental health. She is Certified in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and specializes in treating sex addiction and gender dysphoria. TAKEAWAYS: [3:51] Dr. Clark gets a lot of questions relating to sexuality and sexual identity from both couples and individuals. She breaks down the definition and meaning behind the words “gay”, “bixsexual” and “homosexuality”, and how they relate to sex and gender, and addiction. [5:03] Dr. Clark defines addiction as, “obsessive compulsive, out of control behavior done in spite of negative consequences to self or others.” In a sex addiction, sex is the drug of choice. There are many aspects to sexuality and attraction, including development in puberty and adolescent stage of life. To fully know if someone is an addict, there is much to be discovered, history to uncover and analyzing the energy that goes into the behavior. [9:56] When we get stuck at different parts of life, we must address the trauma, no matter how small. It’s traumatic for an individual to question their orientation with their loved ones denying their feelings or even threatening impending consequences if they were to follow their impulses. Rob sees people from very conservative or morality driven environments struggle with sexuality more than people who don’t come from those environments. [11:54] When someone is looking to get help, or even just to uncover what may be going on with their own arousal or orientation issues, it is important they seek someone that has education in Human Sexuality. [14:27] Whereas intimacy is about connection, addiction is about disconnection. Rob quotes a friend, “Sex for sex addicts, with a partner who they are really committed to, is not about being horny, it’s about being willing.” A lot of sex addicts are so used to being immediately aroused by a new stimulus, they often feel disappointed when they don’t feel that with their long term steady partners. [16:28] Dr. Clark’s book, Addict America: The Lost Connection , explores our culture’s tendency to look externally for internal validation. This never fills us, and sends us into an addictive place, seeking more with no success. [18:25] Rob explains the term secondary gains, and how for some people it may be just a simple behavior such as going to get a drink, or having sex as a way to foster intimacy and connection. For others, they will do a behavior to try and fill their void, or numb their pain. [23:21] Dr. Clark says that when someone comes in to her office who has been encouraged to deny or push away any part of who they inherently are, there is much work to be done. [23:40] Dr. Clark helps her clients process negative events and turn them around through EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. After they reprocess the old memories, they can move forward and explore what is congruent with their own beliefs. [30:43] No couples are going to agree 100% of the time on sexual desires and what makes them aroused. Dr. Clark and Rob both agree that what is important is the communication between partners to identify what works for that particular relationship. The world of sex addiction is becoming less rigid about a one size fits all approach for everyone, and becoming articulated towards what works for that individual and their love lives. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men Addict America: The Lost Connection Hannah Gadsby iicsphd@gmail.com Clinical Sexology Phd Therapy Certification Training QUOTES: “It comes back to behavior and what the thoughts are behind that behavior.” “Addiction is about objectification. A sex addiction is about addiction more than sex.” “Just because you don’t like something around your sexual behavior doesn’t mean it’s addiction.” “I’d like you to think about sex as an expression of intimacy, and being open and connected with another person.” “We would like sex with a partner to be about intimacy and connection.” “Our addiction is stimulation, that is really what we get addicted to.” “We are born to be optimally sexual, and then we get messages about what is okay, and what’s not okay, and we do have some of the hard wiring.”

Jul 12, 2018

In a world of self-centered social media and “it’s about me” culture, the work Tara Lemasters is doing is of utmost importance. Tara is a Licensed Therapist and an expert on the issue of narcissism, what it is and what it’s not, and our need to understand more deeply what a diagnosis of narcissism means. She and Rob also discuss when exhibitions of narcissism are normal and healthy vs. when self-obsession begins to take a turn into something much darker, and the difference between narcissist self-obsession and real empathy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Narcissism is almost something that is correlated with addiction. Most people that have problems with drugs and alcohol also have problems with how they see themselves. [2:05] Over the past 5 years, the term narcissism has become embraced in every relationship situation in our culture. The problem is not the word itself, but when a narcissist finds themselves more attached to their needs and addictions then the people they care about, with no fear of suffering consequences. [4:00] The term Narcissism is derived from Narcissus, a figure from Greek Mythology. This mythical being was so handsome that he fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. [4:53] Our material and outward focused culture supports narcissism and the belief of “I must have / get more to succeed and be liked.” Social media also supports the tendency for us to show off or portray certain things to get likes or shares, making us feel more important and connected. [6:22] Rob explains how every addict is a narcissist when engaged in their addictions. It shows up in sex addicts when it is an abandonment of core values and beliefs, at the expense of compartmentalizing what they want, when they want it. The addicts puts the need to satisfy their own needs above others, and hide it so they can have their cake and eat it too. [9:38] Tara believes that the process of healing is a process of creating greater empathy for oneself personally, and for the people in their life that their actions have an impact on. When Tara’s clients start to experience grief regarding how their actions have affected who they loved ones, a crack of empathy starts to come through. [11:20] In the early stages of healing, Rob often sees narcissist self-obsession, where the addict is worried or upset about how judgements hurts and affects them, and their self image. Later on in the healing process, when they feel true empathy, the focus will be on how their actions impacted their loved ones. [13:14] Expectations do not always reflect reality when a partner wishes for their narcissist partner to heal and deal with their issue quickly. It may often take a while, and this can be very frustrating for a partner whose world has been shattered. Tara recommends that the hurt partner focus as much as they can on self-care and finding support of their own. [19:57] Narcissistic people tend to lack empathy, so they will do whatever pleases them the most, and not think about how that affects the people around them. There is a difference between narcissism and sociopathy, where narcissism tend to have intact remorse which may be brought out during treatment, but sociopaths are incapable of feeling empathy whatsoever. [24:46] Most men are problem solvers, and want to fix the problem they created. Their version of making things better may be radically different than how long it takes for their partner to heal from the hurt of their actions. [30:49] After a betrayal and initial trust is broken, it can never be the same again. Partners must rebuild together from the ground up, and it’s very similar to rebuilding a house from scratch. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men Narcissus in Greek Mythology Tara LeMasters QUOTES: “Narcissism implies that the externals is going to help determine how you think of me. Our culture certainly supports that.” “An addict by definition is a narcissist.” “Real empathy is not about you at all. It’s about understanding what others are going through as a result of how you treated them.”

Jul 5, 2018

Dr. James Wadley is on a mission to bring openness and community to those from all walks of life that may otherwise have shied away from stepping forward to get help for themselves or their families. He is an advocate and voice for healing across the world and is passionate about working with both those in the community and training the professional leaders that work with them. He is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press). Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about his background in education and educational leadership, his program development to help African Americans know where to turn when seeking treatment, and ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, how we can help minorities step out of the hidden secrets of addiction and into the light of healing and hope. TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] Dr. Wadley has worked with African Americans and minority groups for many decades, and still finds misconceptions, and mistrust around the community and medical and mental health professions. It is great for someone struggling to get initial support and advice from a member in the community or social group, but non-medical help can only go so far, and oftentimes their response comes from a pre existing belief, stereotype or myth. [5:06] Dr. Wadley and his colleagues actively try to work towards people having a “sex positive” approach towards sexuality. This means facing and dealing with the stigma and trauma of sexual expression in the African decent, whether it’s stereotypes surrounding the community, or the way they express their own sexual identity. [7:16] Rob and Dr. Wadley run into the same type of problems, but in different ways. Minority groups tend to not seek out professional help for their issue, and even when they do, the factor of access and finding a professional of a similar minority is usually of importance as well. [8:18] Although other cultures deal with sexual addiction just as much as the white culture, there are several factors that make up why they seek professional and 12-step treatment groups less. First, if they walk in and see that they are the only representative of their minority, they are less likely to open up and share, thus reducing the likelihood of ever returning again. [11:08] Dr. Wadley finds that spending time in the community is a way to at least open the conversation with people regarding their sexual behavior and help them get their guard down to see that there is no judgement or stigma around seeking help. [15:08] Dr. Wadley credits a lot of his success to the positive and inspirational people around him. [18:02] Although the communities may be different, the pain and shame of addiction is the same across the board no matter race or ethnicity. The top sexual issues among Rob’s young male clients are the same as Dr. Wadley’s - online porn, hookup apps, traditional affair / anonymous sex and prostitutes. Seeking out help online is better for anonymity, but individuals must be in the know that they are expected to share vulnerably everything they are dealing with. [21:22] Rob and Dr. Wadley discuss the difference of options when a couple has financial means and resources vs. when they need to stay together because divorce or separating just isn’t an option financially. [26:42] On a recent trip to Cuba, Dr. Wadley appreciated how he could fully experience the culture, as it is one of the few places that hasn’t been colonized. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Dr. James Wadley The Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships Association of Black Sexologists and Clinicians Lincoln University Dr. Wadley on Twitter phdjamesw@yahoo.com QUOTES: “While people in the community may be able to listen and give advice, they are not mental health professionals.” “My work is to try my best to empower not only those people who are indigenous to the community, but also to work with the folks who work with folks in those communities in having a level of acceptance and appreciation towards diversity.” “Minorities tend to want to keep their problems to themselves.” “I allow my spirit to lead me.” We as therapists and healers have to figure out how to provide access to those folks who probably can’t afford us.”

Jun 28, 2018

Today’s topic is one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Rob is joined by special guest Tom Ryan to talk about recovery, hope, the dichotomy of holding a position of power and prestige when dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. Tom is a spiritual community leader, father, husband and has much to share on the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and escapism. Tom is the author of Ashamed No More , and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices. TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Tom attended the University of Missouri and earned a bachelor’s degree in education. He got involved with a youth ministry at a local church, and that led him to follow his divine calling to professional ministry. His life was a true dichotomy between spirituality, religion and the struggle of a compulsive sexual addiction. [7:45] Sex addiction can escalate and grow. Tom found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals, and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. There is a tendency to call someone a hypocrite, liar or fraud instead of someone that is deeply struggling with painful issues. [11:14] Tom found help and visited a therapist, who recommended the book Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He cites the experience of discovering this work as “breathtaking”, because it showed him that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t a failure. [15:39] Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. [16:45] Tom and his therapist worked together to help Tom find a trusted friend to listen to his real story, and one who he could share his vulnerability with, and who would show up for Tom. [21:06] Tom shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage. Years later, Tom learned a lot, progressed through his treatment, but still felt ashamed that he didn’t have sustained sobriety, and his public persona didn’t honor who he was privately. [28:27] Tom hit his lowest point in 2008 when he was arrested. He felt ashamed that he had already been in treatment and been out as an addict to his loved ones, and still was acting out. [31:56] Many of the other faith leaders both Rob and Tom have worked with hold a sincere motivation to help others and follow their calling, but are stuck in the negative loop of their addiction, and often find it even harder to get help due to their elevated position. [32:02] In addition to Tom coming back on the show, there is a possibility of “Tom’s Corner” on Rob’s website, Sex and Relationship Healing . This will be a safe space for religious leaders and workers to connect with others and talk about their addiction, no matter what point of it they are currently at. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Mark Salling Tom Ryan TC-Ryan Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes Ashamed No More by Tom Ryan Living Integrated QUOTES: “You can get past your consequences. You can have a life beyond the problem you are in right now.” “What was satisfying and distracting now no longer is, and you want a little bit more.” “Sex addicts have a varsity level skill of compartmentalization.” “When I’m living in the shadows, it's amazing what I’m willing to do, and when I think I’m living in the light, it’s amazing what I’m not willing to do.” “Part of the grandiosity of the disease is we think there is nobody quite as big a failure as we are.” “My persona was still a performance persona, even though I wanted to be genuine and sincere. And it was eating me alive.” “There is that tendency for all of us to look at someone in town who is supposed to be the moral sheriff in town and say “ ‘Oh my gosh, what a loser, hypocrite, and liar.’ “ But many times these are sincere servants who really wanted to help others and honor their vows and commitments, but found themselves in this diabolical catch in life.” “The gifts are there, but we have to get out of our own way. Covering up and hiding it doesn’t do anything.”

Jun 21, 2018

Today’s episode features Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment. David works hard to eliminates the stigma around addiction, and advocates to look at the whole picture of addiction rather than compartmentalizing it. He frequently presents workshops on LGBT health, addiction, HIV, and co-occurring disorders both in the US and internationally. TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] We are in the middle of a dangerous trend. For about the last twenty years, we have seen a rise of stimulant abuse, particularly methamphetamines and cocaine in conjunction with sexual behavior. We have also seen a change in what kind of meth is coming in, as it’s much higher grade and leading to addiction in a quicker and more powerful way than ever before. [3:42] Meth and stimulants can be bonded with all types of behavior, not all sexually related. However, when used in conjunction with sexual behavior, people develop a dependence on the drug to perform in any capacity. David has noticed a trend with young gay men to skip over the pills and go right to the injectibles such as Trimix to treat erectile dysfunction. [5:36] The opioid crisis is certainly worth the mention and attention it has been getting in mainstream media, but meth overdoses are actually outpacing opioid-related ones. [6:39] Methamphetamine is a synthetic molecule that is neurotoxic and sits on the receptors for 9-10 hours, providing a surge and eventually the depletion of our “feel good” neurotransmitter dopamine. [7:44] Dopamine rewards behavior that helps us seek rewards in order to survive. The most natural way we release dopamine is through sex. [9:44] David sees many of his clients use meth to try and numb and dissociate negative feelings such as shame, isolation, and trauma. Over time, he has seen it most commonly in his clients that are gay men but is also now seeing it rise in the female population and eating disorder world as well. [10:50] There are a host of psychological and physiological severe consequences in meth use including brain damage, suicidal thoughts and actions, and cardiac issues. [12:53] Not all drug users become addicted. David discusses that although about 20% of drug users are led to addiction, the consequences are extremely severe. [13:05] David and Rob explain that meth and sexual addiction usually must be treated simultaneously. If one is a meth addict, chances addictions merge and work in tandem, creating a sex addiction as well. [15:57] Sexual addiction is often not addressed in drug treatment, left untreated may be a factor to lead the individual back to using. [18:20] There’s been a model of how we view addiction, and it’s been based on substances for 50 or 60 years, with a cultural resistance to natural occurring addiction such as sex and eating disorders. That model is changing, and more therapists and training programs are beginning to understand the repercussions and need for assessment of behavioral or process addictions. [21:38] Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one is seeking focused help. [25:45] David and Rob role play a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist. [28:20] Therapists must do a more detailed assessment of sexual history as it related to addiction, and be hypersensitive to the level of shame, fear, trauma that their clients are bringing in to the treatment. It’s also important to help the client envision how sexuality is going to unfold in a healthy way in recovery. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 David Fawcett @LustMenMeth Facebook @LustMenMeth Twitter Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery NIH QUOTES: “There is a huge overlap between sexual addiction and stimulant addiction.” “Most meth addicts are probably sex addicts.” “One addiction can trigger the other. We see if people try and get clean from meth, their sexual desire fades. The two become paired and work in tandem.” “We have many people in the substance addiction treatment centers who are not getting adequately assessed for the sexual component in terms of sexual history intervention.” “Therapists should be required to do some reflection on their own attitudes and beliefs about sex.” “Therapists will resist, deflect, defer or avoid to keep themselves comfortable.” “When it comes to specialty work, we need specialty therapists.” “You get to therapist shop. It's important to find someone you feel comfortable with.”

Jun 14, 2018

Trauma, abuse, and addiction happen everywhere, it doesn’t matter what class or culture. Today’s guest, Sam Louie, is a psychotherapist specializing in treating shame, trauma and a host of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction and then getting help, gives more information on Japanese culture as it relates to addiction and shame, and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. Lastly, Sam shares ways we can outreach to communities that may be different than ours to help others rise above the shame and embarrassment that go along with addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [1:01] Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist who continues to write. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". On a personal note, Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. [3:46] Sam shares that one of the challenges with minority cultures and specifically Asian - American cultures getting help for their addiction is the feeling of cultural shame. Asians are collectivists by nature, meaning that instead of a focus on individualism, they put an emphasis on cohesiveness among the groups (family, society, government) in their world both on a small and large scale. Sam explains further that a lot of it is based on Confucian views where obedience and order are the common denominators. [6:02] Sam recalls how he first learned at a very early age how important it is to honor the family name above all else. [9:39] In the teenage years, traditional Asian values confronted with American tendency to rebel and strike out as an individual can be a confusing and conflicting time. [11:18] Shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues and divorce. Sam speaks of a Chinese saying where shame can run 8 generations deep. [13:19] Sam shares how suicide in the Japanese culture can be seen as a way to get back honor and not shame their family. [16:01] In his youth, Sam encountered a role model in his Pastor, who showed vulnerability, encouragement and support. [19:44] In the Japanese culture, sexual shame even as the victim, reflects on breaking the code of honor within your family. [22:42] Sam reads one of his poems and explains the meaning behind the words. He then shares how his addictive and compulsive tendencies started emerging in childhood. [25:02] Children who are profoundly neglected and who experience emotional and physical neglect have to figure out how to comfort and validate themselves. This is where a lot of addiction stems from. [33:10] Educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence Slanted Eyes: The Asian - American Poetic Experience Sam Louie MFT Hikikomori Getting Off by Erica Garza QUOTES: “Sadly, there are several minorities that are underserved in America when it comes to addiction services and mental health.” “There are two sides to the coin - we have shame on one end, and honor on the other.” “If I hide from things, other people will never get the exposure that they need.” “Since intimacy problems and sex addiction most often comes out of early dysfunction, it doesn’t matter where you are from.” “Much addiction comes out of that period where a child has to learn how to survive on their own.” “So many of us need to see someone of our cultural heritage going through something as well.”

Jun 7, 2018

Mark Anthony Lord is an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. As an author, coach, speaker, and minister, Mark sees firsthand the damage that addiction can impart upon one’s spirituality and faith. When we heal, Mark believes it must be first from within. As a Reverend, Mark helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually, or possibly even connect for the first time. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and fostering the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power. TAKEAWAYS: [1:46] Dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process. Betrayed partners also take issue with feeling as though they were living in a giant lie based upon their partners faith versus their actions of bad behavior. [3:00] Mark believes that addiction is a spiritual disease which disconnects an individual from their spirit of creativity, love, joy and generosity. Addiction affects us first spiritually, and drains our zeal for life. [4:26] The tendency for sex addicts to compartmentalize bad behavior is a way of perpetuating the cycle of disconnection, mistrust and unworthiness, thus leading to even more disconnection. [8:14] Mark loves doing exercises to reconnect people with their life affirming and life-giving passions. Whether it’s nature, family, work or service, we all get excited by something deep inside. [10:44] Although their paths of treatment are different, both Mark and Rob are doing work where people connect both with themselves, their own pain and ultimately, learning to take joy in the basic human connections around us. [13:26] One of the challenges about religion currently is the feeling that one must be “good” and “together” to partake in it, instead of it feeling like a salvation for those that need it most. Mark discusses some spiritually bankrupt religious leaders that could have used some connection in their soul. [16:25] A lot of people living in duality feel as though they must be afraid or fearful of God. They must be courageous to explore their own broken relationship with God, and heal it to move forward with recovery. [18:32] In the 12-step program, Mark has seen miracles happen time and time again once people connect with their own spirituality and begin to connect with the human experience in an open and vulnerable way. [19:26] Mark explains his belief that God and sex do not have to be separate, and that the power in both God and sexual energy in a healthy human being are aligned. [24:59] Our childhood attachments and security impacts our outlook on love, security and trust in the world. Mark believes the more of a broken upbringing one has, the more important it is to seek spirituality and a higher power. [26:10] Expecting people to never let us down or disappoint us, will always keep us separated and disconnected from our human experience. A big part of being spiritually in tune is to love others despite their flaws. [28:55] Mark feels that marriage is for the exact reason of loving one another through our brokenness. It doesn’t necessarily mean staying or leaving after a betrayal, just to love ourselves unconditionally. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 To contact Mark Anthony Lord: lordmarkanthony@gmail.com Mark Anthony Lord Cityside Spiritual Community QUOTES: “I believe that addiction is a spiritual disease.” “We all have a natural spirit inside us. Some like to think about spirit in relationship to God, some like to be religious about it, and a lot of people don’t. What I love about the recovery world is they don’t tell anyone what they have to believe in.” “Addictions kill us at the level of spirit first.” “Honesty is the doorway to our freedom. That is so scary for sex and love addicts.” “I know God as perfect unconditional love. There’s nothing you can do or say that would ever change that.” “God and sex are not separate from me.” “That’s the evolution of our spirituality - to realize that people will fail, and will change. Nothing outside of us will remain our source - our source is inside of us.” “Most people try to trust people and love God. That’s wrong, you can only trust God and learn how to love people.”

May 31, 2018

Tami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is currently working to develop through Seeking Integrity, how she decides where to send someone to get help, and important resources for sex addicts and their partners looking for help and hope. TAKEAWAYS: [1:51] Despite all the different stories and cases Tami has heard, she always looks at it through the lens of helping someone alleviate their pain. [2:43] When people first call Tami, they can do so anonymously. This takes away the fear of judgment that usually comes with admitting there is an addiction. [4:44] One of the most challenging issues Tami faces is people choosing to overcome the stigma and shame and follow through to contact the resources for support that she provides. [7:23] While drug and alcohol behavior may be able to be ended completely, sexual addiction and food disorders require a perimeter of what is healthy for the individual since sex and hunger are two of our natural desires. [13:35] Each addiction is quite unique and requires its own focus. Many times questions about sexual behavior are overlooked in the mental health field. [14:07] Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. [16:31] If the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. [19:49] Tami has seen more women acting with typical male characteristic behavior in the past five years. The world has changed dramatically with the advent of numerous apps that make it as easy as the click of a button to get sex. [23:53] For many addicts, it’s almost more exciting to search for sex and build to orgasm than the actual intercourse itself. [26:17] It is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. [33:10] To contact Tami directly, email her at: tami@seekingintegrity.org . [34:15] Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Doghouse Bloom for Women APSATS QUOTES: “I’m so passionate about people having the opportunity for solid recovery. Not just abstinence but a happy, joyous and free recovery.” “The biggest barrier can just be talking to someone else about your problem.” “What is sobriety and what is recovery? It really depends on the person.” “Getting a good foundation will help people get to a stable place and past the initial crisis.” “Don’t have hope if the addict is not willing to get help.” “My recovery has given me everything.”

May 24, 2018

Dr. Barbara Steffens joins Rob to talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. She looks at addiction and infidelity through both the lens of the addict and the partner and works to normalize all parts of what occurs in the addiction and healing process. She and Rob discuss what betrayal trauma is, why some partners may decide to stay, and how they can eventually begin to possibly trust again. Dr. Steffens founded and is President of The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. TAKEAWAYS: [0:49] Dr. Barbara Steffens has been a specialist in sex addiction and partners of sex addiction since 1999. Her book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse is a lifeline to help partners cope and heal after betrayal trauma. [2:22] Often times people first associate a trauma with abuse, either physical or mental, but there is also a trauma that goes along with a betrayal within a relationship. When there is an expectation of trust, safety, and security that is violated, it can have a profound effect. [10:43] The partner acting out still can have love, attachment and a connection, but the quality of how deep their intimacy can actually be changes over time as they must compartmentalize in order to not feel too much guilt over their behavior. It’s an internal split for the addict, and hard for the partner to understand how the addict can say they love them and yet still betray their trust. [16:15] It is another betrayal when partners are not heard for what has just happened to them, and the addict may even blame some of their behavior on the spouse. [18:12] Dr. Steffens had to first go to the infidelity field to learn about betrayal trauma from the partner’s point of view, as the addict field just focused primarily on the needs of the addict. [19:32] While partners may not be able to trust the way they once did, they can develop an ability to trust the heart, intent and the behaviors they observe along with their own ability to detect lies and deceit. [23:01] Dr. Steffens tells partners that they did not make their partner cheat, and they don’t have the power over how someone else responds. She encourages them to work with their own emotions and speak their truth rather than prescribing a one size fits all protocol. [32:36] Partners sometimes stay with an addict when there is a relapse due to not wanting to ruin the stability and course of what they have built in their life. Dr. Steffens knows every partner has the choice to decide what is right for them, and takes the judgement away from those no matter what they deem tolerable. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Barbara Steffens Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists https://twitter.com/APSATSOrg QUOTES: “The best thing that the field can do is really listen to the partner as an individual.” “Over time that ability to attach and connect when somebody is engaging in other behaviors has to loosen because so much of the attachment and attention goes to the addiction.” “There’s no intimacy when there are secrets.” “Traumatized people look messy because they are - their life has just exploded.” “Addicts can look very slick and together, even when they are not.” “The greatest gift we can give to partners when we are helping them is the ability for them to trust themselves again.” “There is no pain-free way to deal with this situation. It’s just what kind of pain and how true to yourself are you going to be.”

May 17, 2018

Hope Ray does amazing work in helping couples and individuals cope in the throes of a betrayal, and helps give them the opportunity to possibly even develop a higher quality of intimacy if they do decide to continue the relationship. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. Her experience has shown there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets and infidelity. She and Rob talk about empathy for the partner, developing an intimacy radar and her intensive specialized programs to provide help in a great time of need. TAKEAWAYS: [0:54] Hope’s work is focused on working with couples one at a time in an intensive, specialized environment. [2:27] Hope seeks to take away some of the stigma of addiction, and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there. [5:39] For the partner experiencing the betrayal and learning to what extent they have been misled, they are often caught between the desire to run away from the situation and their own hurt, and having empathy for their emotionally ill spouse who may need their support to get better. [10:08] Sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out. [13:58] Addicts may be able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while, but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present. [20:14] Rob and Hope support partners in their work by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing. Partners usually feel shame and guilt that they didn’t know what was happening, even if others around them were aware. [22:14] Hope encourages her clients to be able to detect low levels of intimacy, to express it to their partner and become aware of their own needs that constitute a healthy relationship. [32:14] Partners should be careful who they choose to talk to, individuals who can’t worsen the situation later by knowing the deep dark secrets of the situation. Both Hope and Rob suggest finding a professional in the field that specializes in sex and relationship healing. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Hope Ray Therapy Hope and Freedom Intensive Dr. Patrick Carnes Dr. Ken Adams Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “When we are living two separate lives, we develop a lot of poor character traits in order to keep these secrets.” “They may show up, but half the time they aren’t emotionally present.” ---(Rob said “they”, but in case you want to change it to addicts) “Partners are so misunderstood. It’s really important they don’t experience blame for their partner's sexual behavior in any way.” “I believe one of the greatest powers we can give partners is the ability to detect intimacy.” - Hope

May 10, 2018

Finding out your partner is a sex addict and that everything you have believed to be previously true is a lie can be devastating, traumatic and isolating to say the least. Often times most partners are embarrassed and shameful, thinking they did something to cause the addict’s bad behavior. Today our special guest, Marnie Breecker, explains more on the partner’s point of view. Marnie is a Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Clinical Partners Specialist, and Founder and Clinical Director for the Center of Relational Healing. She talks with Rob about the typical emotional patterns she sees in both parties when dealing with sex addiction, how she helps them get help, and why specialized treatment is so important. TAKEAWAYS: [2:02] Anger, shock, confusion and an overall crisis in all areas of life. Usually, the anger is directed at first towards their partner, and then as the situation unfolds the anger also spreads to their partner’s family and friends that knew their partner was acting out. [4:39] The partner usually has a conflict where they want to help the person they love, but their own anger and fear creates a barrier. [10:48] After the initial stabilization of help, the partner’s anger surfaces not only in regards to the event(s) of addiction but the fact that they feel all of the attention and support has gone to the person with the addiction. [13:30] Working with partners is often seen as a daunting task for therapists. They usually are a sign of acting crazy or unbalanced, but really this is a human that is in the midst of an actual trauma and has usually been denied their own intuition. [21:19] When you are living a lie as an addict, you have the control when you get to decide what truth your partner hears. One of the hardest thing for the addict to realize is that once the spouse uncovers the truth, they are in control. [23:28] Specialized treatment is so important to discern whether someone is an addict and to delineate what type of treatment is appropriate. [28:40] When a couple comes in dealing with sex addiction and/or confidentiality, the first thing Marnie does is assess what measures must be taken for their physical safety. Next, she helps the partner try to find a community of support to deal with their own trauma of the unfortunate outside circumstance. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 The Center for Relational Healing Marnie Breecker

May 3, 2018

Today Rob welcomes his admired and respected colleague, Dr. Don Hilton. As an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Center at San Antonio, Dr. Hilton has been at the forefront in expanding what we know about the neurobiology of addiction. He talks with Rob about the ways our brain learns addiction, how porn may be the “fast food of sex” and the need for our culture to catch up in education when it comes to sex and pornography. Dr. Hilton’s research and work help people get over the stigma shame of addiction and instead learn to create what we really all want - authentic human relationships with a valid connection. TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Hilton’s recent focus has been on pornography and the effect of pornography on the brain. About a decade ago he was in Australia to lecture on minimally invasive spine surgery, and met up with a dear friend who was a world-renowned scientist studying the natural instinctive brain craving for survival. The question came up about engines of desire, and what made animals crave things to help them survive. A research project grew out of those discussions, and they found that the same DNA gene sets that caused the animal model to desire salt also correlated with addiction. [5:52] Is pursuing sensation over emotion quite possibly all part of the evolutionary plan for us? [10:02] Virtual Reality is a double-edged sword - it may help people connect who are too socially shy or introverted, but it also brings up a confusing blend of emotions. Dr. Hilton feels as though we will, in the end, choose an emotional connection, and we are designed to connect and bond with each other as humans. [14:29] Porn strikes at our need for human connection and love most deeply. Rob looks at it in a way similar to alcohol, where for some people it’s a real issue, and some people can use it sporadically without a problem. Dr. Hilton feels as though there is a problem with the product itself in terms of the risks, use of drugs and alcohol and consent. [22:32] Dr. Hilton feels that America could follow a similar model to Britain’s to protect our minors. For parents to say it’s okay for their minors to partake in it, it’s important that they have an understanding of the reality of what they are watching. [28:02] It would be more helpful if counselors and educational supporters talked about real sex issues such as pornography with teenagers. Currently, only 20 states in America offer sex education as a standard to their high school students, and 12 require parental permission. [32:03] If a person can step back and realize an addiction such as porn is a problem, but it is not them and a problem with their brain. Recovery is a learning process where we come back to wholeness. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Dr. Donald Hilton, M.D. Bio Dr. Donald Hilton, M.D. Neurosurgeon, University of Texas, San Antonio -- Dr. Hilton is an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, where he is the director of the spine fellowship and the director of neurosurgical training at the Methodist Hospital rotation. He is a fellow of the American College of Surgeons and of the American Association of Neurological Surgeons. His research and publishing interests have included traumatic brain injury, minimally invasive surgery, and neural mechanisms of addiction. He also serves on the board of directors of the Washington DC-based National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), and on the board of directors of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH).

May 3, 2018

Licensed marriage and family therapist Marnie Ferree joins Rob today for a conversation on healing sex and love addictions, her own story of recovery from abuse, and how our background and current culture shape the way we go about getting our needs met in love and sexual relationships. Since 1992 she has been working to advance the field of healing sexual addiction in a variety of different arenas, and is currently pioneering the first intensive workshop for female teens and adolescent sex addicts. TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] Marnie C. Ferree, M.A. is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Nashville, where she directs and is the founder of Bethesda Workshops, a short time Christian based intensive program for sex addicts and partners. The workshop she established in 1997 for female sex addicts was the first of its kind in the country. Her book No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction was the first to address sexual addiction in women from a Christian perspective. [3:14] As a young adolescent Marnie had unresolved losses, abandonment, family dysfunction and abuse within her close circle. This had a major impact on how she paired affection and attention with sex, and her pattern of getting her needs met through intense relationships reflects the story of addiction all too often and mirrored the abuse in her childhood. [9:23] Marnie helps her clients see the unconscious patterns that emerge in their adulthood from previous abuse when looking for love and connection. They work together to alleviate some of the confusion, shame, and blame. [12:54] Marnie is seeing less overt sexual trauma in her workshops, and more of the effect coming from our sexually saturated and exploitative culture. [18:09] We are in a deep need of more honest conversations on human sexuality and the way our values and belief systems clash with the objectification of women and men in our culture. [23:09] Healing begins when someone decides to bring their secret behavior into light, whatever their problematic or dependent behavior is. [28:42] Marnie feels her work with adolescent females and their families very redemptive and rewarding. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control No Stones: Women Redeemed by Sexual Shame Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts Bethesda Workshops

Apr 25, 2018

Erica Garza, journalist and author of Getting Off, joins Rob for an honest and raw discussion of her past experiences with porn and sex addiction, and how it led to her now being a voice for redemption and women throughout the world. Erica took her own shame, guilt and fear surrounding the topic and turned to a path of self-care, support and honesty. She embodies the future of female power and bravely uses her own past to light a future for those broken to recover. TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Loneliness was a theme from early on in Erica’s life. Around 12, she masturbated compulsively and had a sense of guilt and shame about sexuality, with little to no discussion about what was happening. She was diagnosed with scoliosis at the same age, and started to use masturbation and porn as a comfort to make herself feel better. This led to her seeking out continued experiences and scenarios that mixed pleasure and shame. [7:53] Growing up in a family that doesn’t talk about sexuality can lead to a feeling of shame and confusion. [8:45] When someone sexualizes a sex addict an object, it may make them feel powerful and in control, but only for a short amount of time before isolation and emptiness kicks in. [11:47] Around her 30th birthday, Erica took a trip to Bali and paid more attention to self care and loving self talk. During this time she also met her future husband and found it refreshing to be accepted in her raw and vulnerable state. This inspired her to seek even more support, and take positive steps in a new direction. [19:09] Erica felt that being exposed and honest with her thoughts and feelings led to a deeper connection than she was expecting instead of the rejection she was feared. [26:51] Any trepidation of fear Erica may have of putting herself out there and exposing her story completely pales in comparison to the relief and satisfaction she gets from hearing how she inspires other women to seek help or feel better about their situation. [31:03] The internet can be both a place to run to during an addiction, and a resource for getting help. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control @EricaDGarza Erica Garza Eat, Pray, Love The Power is Within You Loose Girl

Apr 25, 2018

Rob and Tami answer a few of the most common questions that come up frequently. Topics covered include how to know if you or your partner is an addict, porn addiction, catching your male partner looking at male porn and who to reach out to if you need support. TAKEAWAYS: [5:36] How do you know if you or your partner are an addict? Addiction is not defined by how much and what kind, but if your involvement with this behavior affects the functioning of your life. The consequences of an addict’s behavior causes distraction and turmoil and is a driving force in their life. [9:01] For the partner that may suspect they are in a relationship with an addict - trust what you feel, trust what you see, and don’t stop at no. [12:41] Finding out hints about a sexual partner’s life doesn’t mean they are a sexual addict, but it may mean they have something they feel ashamed or fearful to share with you. [13:25] I found my husband or boyfriend looking at male porn or have had sex with men. Is this a threat to our marriage, and will he leave me for a man? This does not automatically mean he will leave you for a man, or that he is homosexual. The first step is having an open conversation, letting him know what you found / saw, and asking him directly what it means to him. [19:04] Who can I talk to or trust with my questions around sex, love and addiction? Is it even important for me to talk to someone? Partners should not underestimate the importance of having a supportive friend, confidant or professional to trust. There are several partner support options, including reaching out to a CSAT, or Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, APSATS, CoDa, and Al-Anon. [25:08] We learn and grow best with problems that are similar to us. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control APSATS CoDa

Apr 25, 2018

Rob welcomes friend and colleague Dr. Ken Adams. They discuss signs and examples of mother-enmeshed men and how it relates to sexual addiction and intimacy. problems. Dr. Adams shares his knowledge on the evolution of our sexuality, the steps to emancipation, and some gold nuggets of wisdom on what to expect if you are involved with an enmeshed man. TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] Dr. Ken Adams lives in Michigan and has a thriving practice. His book, Silently Seduced explores how an individual’s relationships with their moms can produce the types of problems that sex addiction creates. Married to Mom to uncover why a man might seem to continually choose his mom over his partner. He began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents Program. There he became interested and devoted to working with sex addiction. [4:11] Enmeshment is a term used in family therapy field to describe when family members are too involved, and the dynamic is too close. When a mother burdens her son with expectations and inappropriate boundaries, the son may begin to feel disloyal when he has other objects of desire. He then acts out and carries out these desires on the side while feeling a tremendous amount of grief and guilt. [8:50] It is the parents job to celebrate the independence and emancipation of their children. On the flip side, it is the son’s responsibility to leave and start their own life with their own partner. [14:53] The evolution of our sexuality is primarily tied to our early care taking experiences. Emotional freedom and having a need for their own space is a running theme that comes up consistently for enmeshed men. [17:28] Emancipation involves two things: external boundaries and an internal structure of how he feels about romance, including the important task of figuring out how to parse out freedom in a commitment. [20:12] The man may project his feelings of being trapped and burdened on to his well-meaning partner, or also be drawn to someone dominating that may pull him away from his mother. [22:02] Our partner choice is not doomed based on how we grew up. It’s an inside job and a “one day at a time” solution for the mother-enmeshed man to observe what makes him feel overwhelmed and trapped, and to turn out obligations when he starts to feel smothered. [29:45] In the sex and love addicted area, females tend to struggle with overt / physical insest, and males covert / emotional insest. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Silently Seduced Married to Mom Kenneth M. Adams

Apr 25, 2018

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better. In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic. TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer