About this episode
Today’s topic is one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Rob is joined by special guest Tom Ryan to talk about recovery, hope, the dichotomy of holding a position of power and prestige when dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. Tom is a spiritual community leader, father, husband and has much to share on the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and escapism. Tom is the author of Ashamed No More , and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices. TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Tom attended the University of Missouri and earned a bachelor’s degree in education. He got involved with a youth ministry at a local church, and that led him to follow his divine calling to professional ministry. His life was a true dichotomy between spirituality, religion and the struggle of a compulsive sexual addiction. [7:45] Sex addiction can escalate and grow. Tom found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals, and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. There is a tendency to call someone a hypocrite, liar or fraud instead of someone that is deeply struggling with painful issues. [11:14] Tom found help and visited a therapist, who recommended the book Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He cites the experience of discovering this work as “breathtaking”, because it showed him that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t a failure. [15:39] Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. [16:45] Tom and his therapist worked together to help Tom find a trusted friend to listen to his real story, and one who he could share his vulnerability with, and who would show up for Tom. [21:06] Tom shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage. Years later, Tom learned a lot, progressed through his treatment, but still felt ashamed that he didn’t have sustained sobriety, and his public persona didn’t honor who he was privately. [28:27] Tom hit his lowest point in 2008 when he was arrested. He felt ashamed that he had already been in treatment and been out as an addict to his loved ones, and still was acting out. [31:56] Many of the other faith leaders both Rob and Tom have worked with hold a sincere motivation to help others and follow their calling, but are stuck in the negative loop of their addiction, and often find it even harder to get help due to their elevated position. [32:02] In addition to Tom coming back on the show, there is a possibility of “Tom’s Corner” on Rob’s website, Sex and Relationship Healing . This will be a safe space for religious leaders and workers to connect with others and talk about their addiction, no matter what point of it they are currently at. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Mark Salling Tom Ryan TC-Ryan Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes Ashamed No More by Tom Ryan Living Integrated QUOTES: “You can get past your consequences. You can have a life beyond the problem you are in right now.” “What was satisfying and distracting now no longer is, and you want a little bit more.” “Sex addicts have a varsity level skill of compartmentalization.” “When I’m living in the shadows, it's amazing what I’m willing to do, and when I think I’m living in the light, it’s amazing what I’m not willing to do.” “Part of the grandiosity of the disease is we think there is nobody quite as big a failure as we are.” “My persona was still a performance persona, even though I wanted to be genuine and sincere. And it was eating me alive.” “There is that tendency for all of us to look at someone in town who is supposed to be the moral sheriff in town and say “ ‘Oh my gosh, what a loser, hypocrite, and liar.’ “ But many times these are sincere servants who really wanted to help others and honor their vows and commitments, but found themselves in this diabolical catch in life.” “The gifts are there, but we have to get out of our own way. Covering up and hiding it doesn’t do anything.”