Healthy Dating in Recovery with Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack

Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack are on a mission to help people know what healthy dating and true intimacy look like. On today’s episode, they join Rob for a talk about their own journey as Licensed Therapists, their great work with One Layer Deeper, the common struggles they find from men and women moving from addiction to dating, the mistakes addicts make when they do go back in the dating pool, and their very own Dating Intensives. TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Addicts tend to pick up other people’s issues and focus on the person they are dating rather than themselves, possibly to control and evade feelings of isolation and lack of control. [6:04] One of the things that surprises Jonathon and Jackie most in their work is the wants, needs and desires men and women show in relationships that may have otherwise been clouded and buried in addiction. [7:19] When a sex addict goes out in the dating world without the flirtation, seduction and the need for control, they are actually quite vulnerable. That fear and anxiety is a large part of what addicts try to avoid. [10:20] Profound changes happen in addiction within a group dynamic with the common intention is getting sober and supporting individual recovery. It’s scary often times for individuals to move into the “wild” dating scene where heartbreak, emotion and intimacy must occur to feel genuinely loved and appreciated. [11:57] Jackie and Jonathon speak about their Intensives, and how the outcomes usually are deeper and wider than ever imagined. [14:44] Love addicts realize that dating is a numbers game, and often when the second or third date isn’t working out, they just give up. When in actuality, dating in recovery is conversation, a “get to know you” type of activity such as a walk in the park, and short periods of time where you get together and get to know someone. There are multiple reasons people date including friendship and companionship, rather than just being enmeshed or focused on sex. [19:46] Jonathon and Jackie help men and women become informed and authentic partners within their own relationships. Whereas before someone may have felt unlovable and hopeless, they teach their clients how to pick a date based on appreciating someone for their core values. [25:29] Octytocin is the hormone in our brain that bonds us to our loved ones, and often released on the women’s behalf typically during sex. In Jonathon and Jackie’s intensive, they coach women on dating to enjoy themselves rather than sole focus of becoming bonded and dependent on their partner. [30:20] Jackie defines trauma as “anything else than nurturing at critical points.” RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Healing Paths Recovery If the Budda Dated If the Budda Married One Layer Deeper QUOTES: “I see a lot of men early in recovery discover for the first time that they get to take a very active role in creating relationships, instead of the relationship just forming around them.” “It moves into a back and forth chess game into a really collaborative process.” “You have to have a little of that spark to date someone, but too much of it and you might not know who they are.” “Half the battle is not stopping the behavior, it’s learning to be intimate.”