Episodes

Aug 9, 2024

Now that my dad and I successfully brought two pirates to justice, it was time for us to usurp their roles in Blackbeard's crew. When we got on his ship, Blackbeard told us he was planning on attacking a British fleet and would then take the loot to his secret hiding place, which was perfect for us because we really wanted to discover his long lost treasure. Things seemed like they were going pretty well until they took a turn for the worse, leaving my dad and me in an epic battle against Blackbeard...well, I guess it wasn't that epic, but kinda epic when compared to the rest of my travels.

Aug 2, 2024

After bringing Jack the Ripper to justice, my dad and I decided to become pirates of the Caribbean, which I'm sure needs no explanation because obviously anyone would naturally come to that same decision. So we went back to 1718 and became members of Blackbeard's crew to discover his long lost treasure. A lot of incredibly fascinating things happen on this journey, as well as a few unfascinating things, which is why the chapter got split into two delicious episodes...YAYYYY!!!

Jul 26, 2024

Still reeling from the incredible discovery behind the JFK assassination, my dad and I decide we want to make another cool discovery, so we travel back to The Industrial Revolution to find out the true identity of Jack the Ripper, and you know, maybe in the process, bring him to justice. And that's what we did...we did exactly that...I don't know why I have all the ellipses which makes it seem like my dad and I didn't actually do it. I mean, we did. The dot dot dots are meant to add mystery to the sentence, like this one...

Jul 19, 2024

Now that I convinced my dad to not go back in time and raise me, we both agreed we should take a journey back to Dallas and discover who really killed JFK. And I gotta say, this was a crazy adventure, or at least as crazy as any other adventure I went on. I know it seems kinda obvious for a time traveler to go back in time and do something that involves the JFK assassination, but you really gotta stop being so judgmental when it comes to my adventures. I'm SORRY I went back in time and did something so obvious! It's not like I went on my adventures thinking what some random listener in the future might think.

Jul 12, 2024

Okay, so this is a weird episode, and thats saying something because I didn't even think it was that weird when I went back and had an almost fourway with my dad and two Nazi women on the Hindenburg. My dad was feeling super guilty about abandoning me as a child and wanted to go back and raise me in order to make things right, but the problem was, I kinda liked my life and didn't want everything to change. So I had to convince my dad to not NOT abandon me.

Jul 5, 2024

Some might see my getting captured by the Aztecs as some sort of Karmic retribution for having a sorta fourway with my dad and two Nazis on the Hindenburg, but it was honestly just a bit of bad luck getting taken by the natives. I'll tell you this about being a prisoner...it isn't fun. I know that isn't the most enlightening thought, but it was a super traumatic experience and it isn't something I like to talk about a lot, mainly because it was super boring being locked in a cage. But that isn't to say this episode is boring at all, because when ranked amongst all the other chapters, it's definitely somewhere in the middle, but just like Malcolm, and that threesome I had in 1944, sometimes it's great to be in the middle.

Jun 28, 2024

Now that I had successfully shown my dad all my great adventures, it was time for us to have a grand adventure of our own! It was a pretty obvious choice for us to visit the Hindenburg and see it explode, but I had no idea we would actually go aboard the dirigible and kinda sorta get stuck on it. But aside from our near death experience, my dad and I had a lot of fun. We meet some hot Nazi women aboard the Hindenburg and decide to try to have sex with them because...you know...Hitler deserved it. And if for some reason you think it's wrong for my dad and me to pursue hot Nazi women, that means you're somehow taking Hitler's side, and do you really want to be on the same side as Hitler?

Jun 21, 2024

Now that I had a daddy, I wanted to show him all of my time traveling adventures, especially that threesome I had with those two lonely housewives in 1944. Because when you meet your long lost father, the first thing you want him to see, is you having a threesome. Some people might claim this episode is nothing more than a clip show, but how dare they accuse me of doing something as lazy as wasting an entire week on regurgitated material! Shame on them! SHAME!

Jun 14, 2024

Yes, it's true, the man who left me my time traveling watch was my dad [DUN DUN DUNNNN]. Now for those of you who aren't listening week to week and accidentally saw this synopsis before you watched the previous episode, I bet you're feeling pretty foolish right now for getting such a great mystery spoiled. Let this be a lesson for you that I am most definitely going to spoil previous episodes in my synopses, and why are you even reading the synopsis of a future episode? That's really weird. Anyway, the guy claims to be my dad but I need proof before I call him daddy, so he shows me proof by taking us back to when he met my mother.

Jun 7, 2024

After future me got touched by Jesus in a totally appropriate way, he decided he was ready to move on with his life and start a family, which was totally great for him, but kinda sucked for me because I lost my best friend. Losing myself made me contemplate the big questions in life, like who left the time traveling watch behind the dumpster. And so, I set out to discover the greatest mystery of my life!

May 31, 2024

Yes, it's true, I had wild sex with a Native American who was most definitely not super old, and it was awesome! All in all, my trip to Plymouth Plantation was a success, seeing as how I got a free meal and had some wild sex. But after the debauchery that took place in Puritan times, future me and present me felt like we needed to cleanse our soul, and so we decided to go back and meet Jesus.

May 24, 2024

Finally, Alvie was brought to justice! Now, I know abandoning someone back in Ancient Pompeii before a volcano wipes out the entire town might sound cruel, but you gotta remember, this guy abandoned me on the Titanic...AND, his name's Alvie! ALVIE!! Anyway, even though we made our nemesis pay for his betrayal and we could've just gone home to watch iCarly, me and my future self still wanted to enjoy the very first Thanksgiving meal and also, make sweet, passionate and unselfish sex to the hot pilgrim. And so, we returned to Plymouth Plantation!

May 17, 2024

It was time. Time for us to go back to the very first Thanksgiving and get my watch back from Alvie. Yes I know, it meant I had to go back to colonial America AGAIN, but despite the time period sucking, I was looking forward to a great meal and Alvie's great reckoning. Spoiler alert: I wind up getting my watch back...oh you don't like spoilers? Then why're you even reading these synopses?

May 10, 2024

OMG, my future self who was 10 years older came back and rescued me from a miserable life being trapped in the past. And, if I may say, I was looking quite hot in my middle age. Me and myself wanted to do nothing more than bring Alvie to justice and reclaim my time traveling watch, but we both decided that first, we should go to a club and pick up a hot lady!

May 3, 2024

Well, I was screwed. Not only was I stuck on the Titanic as it hit an iceberg, but I was also feeling super emasculated being held down by the two Alvies and getting my time traveling watch stolen from me. But all was not lost. I could still find a way to survive this whole ordeal, but in order for me to somehow get back to the present, I would first need to get on a lifeboat. But how...

Apr 26, 2024

Yes it's true, I had a threesome in 1944 Los Angeles, and it was as amazing as it sounds. It was so great that I had an immediate urge to share my story, and so I decided to meet up with my time traveling buddy and tell him all about it which meant, it was time to go on the Titanic. This was a doozy of a trip, and yes, I'm using the word doozy now. Do I use a lot of James Cameron Titanic references in this chapter? Yes. Do the James Cameron Titanic references ever get old? No. Do I enjoy asking myself questions in the episode synopsis? Yes.

Apr 19, 2024

Now that I was an enlightened individual, I felt like I didn't need to do any more work on myself and should instead indulge in my sexual desires. So I brainstormed what would be the easiest time period to get laid, and that's when I realized that most of the men in the 1940s were fighting in World War II which meant there was a super high ratio of women to men back in America, so I make my way back to 1944 Los Angeles.

Apr 12, 2024

After taking LSD and tripping through time, I felt like I needed some more clarity in life, and so of course, I decide to go back to The Age of Enlightenment. After looking up when and what that actually was, I wind up back in London in 1687 where I meet Sir Isaac Newton before he was a sir. It was also the time before he had ever gotten laid, so I do what anybody in my shoes would do...I help Isaac Newton lose his virginity.

Apr 5, 2024

Still reeling from my breakup with the babysitter, I decided I needed to have some me time so I travel to Woodstock because, you know, that's the best place to have me time. While there, I wind up taking some acid and having the craziest trip of all time!

Mar 29, 2024

After freeing the Jews in Egypt, I was feeling exhausted, but the babysitter now wanted to free the African Americans by starting The Civil War, and because I wanted to make her happy, I agreed. While back in 1860 South Carolina, the babysitter and I start fighting and I realize that maybe she isn't the love of my life....

Mar 22, 2024

Truth be told, I didn't want to go back to Ancient Egypt because I'm not a fan of getting sand stuck in my shoes, but the babysitter wanted to go there, and I wanted to continue to have sex with her, so we went back to Egypt. The babysitter and I had one mission at hand: free the Jews. So I infiltrate my way into the Pharaoh's good graces and then meet Moses and the rest is history...I mean, at the time, it was my present, but later on it became history.

Mar 15, 2024

I had survived my first trip with the babysitter, as well as Shakespeare's gnarly poop. Our relationship was progressing and so we decided to go somewhere sexier than Elizabethan Era...and so of course we went to The Wild West. A lot of interesting stuff happens while there, and a few uninteresting things as well (but that can be expected with any trip), but the most important thing that happened was that the babysitter and I consummated our relationship...one and a half times ;).

Mar 8, 2024

So the babysitter asks me to prove I'm a time traveler, and so I do what any guy would do in that situation...I take her back to Elizabethan Era England...whenever that was. After I Googled when it was, I took my babysitter on the adventure of a lifetime. While in England, I met William Shakespeare, or at least, I used the bathroom right after him, and I gotta say, it wasn't the best way to meet one of the greatest writers of all time, and also, his poop smelled really bad!

Mar 1, 2024

Being a hero is exhausting, and so I decided I deserved to take a little break from fixing my buddy's mistakes and do something for me. So I went back to 2010 to try to woo my old babysitter...and when I say my old babysitter, I don't mean my babysitter's old, I mean that she was my babysitter when I was a kid...but now we were the same age, I just needed to figure out how I was going to make her fall in love with me...

Feb 23, 2024

I was feeling pretty good after figuring out how to convince Napoleon to march his army into Russia in the dead of winter, and even though it resulted in a whole bunch of people dying, they were all French, so...you know. I felt like I still had enough energy to do another task on my buddy's list and so it was time for me to go back to the 1920s and end prohibition in America. You're welcome alcoholics!

Feb 16, 2024

I now had a mission. I would help my time traveler buddy by fixing the mistakes he made throughout time. The first place I decided to go was back to Napoleon times to stop Napoleon from taking over the world. But I had a big task ahead of me. Somehow, I had to convince Napoleon to invade Russia in the dead of winter.

Feb 9, 2024

I was shocked, absolutely shocked. I had discovered another time traveler, but he disappeared before I could say anything to him. I had to figure out where another time traveler would visit, and that's when I realize that any sane person with a time machine would go to Pompeii before it got destroyed, and so I ripped off my bed sheet, made myself a toga and went back to Pompeii to find my new best friend.

Feb 2, 2024

After impregnating a cavewoman, I felt the need to add some culture in my life by visiting The Renaissance. While in Rome, I meet three quarters of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci. But meeting the famous artists comes at a terrible, terrible cost...my innocence!

Jan 26, 2024

I was sexually frustrated to say the least. I mean, I had been in a sex drought for way too long, and my failure in Athens was the final straw, and that's when I got a brilliant idea. I would go back in time and make love with a cavewoman. So I did. And while there, I also killed a mastodon!

Jan 19, 2024

After surviving The Strangling performed by Benjamin Franklin, I decide it'd be best if I went back in time to do something a little more fun. I realize nothing's more fun than going back to Ancient Athens and partaking in an old-timey orgy...the only problem is, how does one find an old-timey orgy in Ancient Athens?

Jan 12, 2024

After realizing my time machine watch can take me any time, anywhere, I ask myself the age old question: if I could talk with anyone in history, who would it be? Well, it turns out my answer is Benjamin Franklin, so I make my way to colonial America and wind up accidentally almost killing him.

Jan 5, 2024

After Taylor Swift is spotted in New York, I use my new dumpster watch to teleport to NYC. I soon discover that not only can my watch teleport me, but that it's also a time machine!...which doesn't sound shocking in this moment as you read because you already know I found a time machine, but it was super crazy at the time.

Jan 1, 2024

After entering the time into my watch and confirming, I suddenly find myself in India! I know, crazy right! Like seriously, just think about how crazy that is...okay, did you think about it? I had no idea how I suddenly wound up in India, but I knew I had to make the best of my situation.

Jan 1, 2024

I find a mysterious watch behind a dumpster, and like anybody would do, I clean it with some hand sanitizer and put it on. At the time, I didn't know it was a time machine, I just thought it was a cool dumpster watch.

Dec 28, 2023

I'm just a guy who went back in time and wound up kissing Socrates...and doing other cool things.

Dec 28, 2023

I'm just a guy who found a time traveling device on the ground behind a dumpster!