Pillow Talks

1d ago

Text fights hit different. There’s something about seeing the exact words—line by line, timestamped, impossible to deny—that makes communication breakdowns painfully clear. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down a real text fight sent in by a community member. We walk through what went right, what went wrong, and where things quietly went off the rails long before anyone realized they were “arguing.” This episode is packed with practical communication tips, emotional insight, and a few spicy takes you’ll probably want to steal for your own relationship. Including one we know will ruffle feathers… 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why text fights escalate faster than in-person conversations. What “having the receipts” actually teaches us about communication patterns. How sexual disconnect shows up in everyday arguments (even when sex isn’t mentioned 👀). The hidden expectations partners bring into conflict without realizing it. Why “warming up” emotionally matters more than being technically right. Our hot take on love languages — and how they’ve accidentally made some of us less than loving. We also talk about how couples can reset these patterns without starting from scratch or turning every disagreement into a therapy-level conversation. If you’ve ever reread a text exchange and thought, How did this blow up so fast? — this one’s for you. 🔥 NEW! The New Year, New Us: 21 Day Relationship Refresh January tends to come with a lot of pressure to “fix” yourself. But what if the thing that made everything else feel better… was your relationship? New Year, New Us is a Deeper-member-only 21-day relationship refresh designed to help you reconnect without overthinking it. Three weeks. Five minutes a day. Simple, sexy, and totally doable. This is the gift you give each other when you want more “oh wow… we actually like each other again.” Because when your relationship is better… everything else is too. ❤️ Join the Deeper membership now for $99/quarter (normally $129) or $247/year (normally $299) and unlock the entire New Year, New Us challenge, plus everything else inside Deeper. 👉 Join us at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear 🔗 Links + Resources Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Laundry Sauce. Make laundry day the best day of the week! Get 20% off your entire order with code PILLOW ➡︎https://laundrysauce.com/pillow 👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW at checkout for 55% off a new night guard plus a FREE foam gift that whitens your teeth and cleans your nightguard. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks HungryRoot. Use code pillow to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.. ➡︎https://Hungryroot.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dec 11

Every week on Instagram we host “Ask Us Anything” question boxes… and every week we’re hit with hundreds of incredible questions we can’t possibly get to in Stories. So today we’re pulling back the curtain and taking some of those unanswered Qs and going deep — giving you the nuance, context, tips, reassurance, and real-talk sex ed you wish you got in health class. This episode is a true mixed bag: libido, orgasm, aging, menstrual phases, mismatched styles, swelling, simultaneous orgasms… the works. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this normal?” the answer is probably in here. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why so many women have to learn how to orgasm with a partner — and why it’s not a flaw, it’s physiology How to reframe partnered orgasm so it doesn’t feel like a chore, obligation, or “teaching job” What to do if your sex styles don’t match (vanilla vs. rough, gentle vs. intense) How libido changes throughout your menstrual cycle — and what to expect in each phase Whether swelling of the labia or clitoris after sex is normal Why “finishing at the same time” is so rare — and how to create more synced-up moments Practical ideas for bringing your partner into growth without pressure, shame, or lectures If you’ve ever felt confused, insecure, or alone with your questions, we hope this episode feels like a deep exhale. You deserve answers that make you feel seen, understood, and empowered in your sex life. ❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ⏱️ TIMESTAMPS 00:00 — Intro 02:15 — Why do women often have to learn how to 0 with a partner? 20:03 — “My husband stopped initiating… how do we repair that?” 28:03 — Resentment in relationships (and what to do about it) 29:38 — Different secs styles: vanilla vs. rough — how to navigate the mismatch 42:05 — Desire + your menstrual phase (what’s actually normal) 46:42 — Is it normal to get swollen “down there”? 48:19 — How to finish at the same time 53:43 — Is it normal to feel uninterested after an 0? 56:15 — Can men feel when women 0 inside them? ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Chewy. Every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet's wish and it might become a reality ➡︎http://Chewy.com/ChewyClaus 👏Thanks Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. ➡︎http://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use the code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. ➡︎http://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks StoryWorth. Give your loved ones a unique keepsake you’ll all cherish for years—Storyworth Memoirs! Right now, save $10 or more during their Holiday sale. ➡︎http://STORYWORTH.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dec 4

Having more sex isn’t actually about libido. (We know — that’s what everyone thinks the issue is.) In today’s episode, we’re breaking down what really gets in the way of wanting sex more often — and what you can do about it that doesn’t feel forced, pressured, or performative. We share the exact strategies we teach inside Deeper, all built around making connection feel easier, pleasure feel better, and intimacy feel more accessible in your day-to-day life. Whether you’re feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, “too tired,” or stuck in a rut… there are clear, compassionate explanations for why sex feels harder right now — and genuinely doable steps to change that. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why communication is the foundation for great sex How mental load obliterates desire (and what to do instead) The connection between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy How desire actually works — and why spontaneous desire is not the gold standard The pleasure–desire link (and why better sex = wanting more sex) What to try this week to create more connection and more turn-on If you’re in a tough season, we hope this episode reminds you there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. There’s always a path back to connection, closeness, and pleasure. Links & Resources 🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides It’s time to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique! These guides show you exactly how to use your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will BLOW. THEIR. MIND. 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay ✨ The Ultimate Sex Guide Over forty tastefully illustrated sex positions with detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to get into, out of, and move in each position. Get ready for toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping, heart-opening experiences for BOTH of you! 👉 http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex ❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW. ➡︎https://www.oneskin.co/pillow 👏Thanks MasterClass. MasterClass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. ➡︎http://masterclass.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cure Hydration. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why I love Cure. It's clean, tastes great, and actually works. ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Give the gift of everyday luxury this holiday season. Use my code PILLOWTALKS for up to 40% off — just be sure to place your order by December 12th for guaranteed Christmas delivery. Listening after the 12th? Don’t worry — my code still works year-round for 20% off. ➡︎https://cozyearth.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Nov 27

It’s the season of gratitude, family time… and figuring out how to have sex quietly. 😅 This Thanksgiving, we’re throwing it back to one of our most iconic early episodes — all about having sex when other people are around. Whether you’re hosting the in-laws, crashing at your parents’ place, or sharing a wall with your roommates, this one’s for you. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Whether it’s actually okay to have sex when you have guests (or you’re the guest). Our best stealth-mode tips for keeping things quiet and respectful. The most common mistakes couples make when trying to sneak one in. How to manage the stress and guilt that come with “guest sex.” Bonus: hilarious, cringe-worthy stories from our Instagram community that prove you are definitely not alone. If you’ve ever had to choose between your sex life and your sanity during the holidays… consider this your survival guide. 🦃 Go deeper 💞 Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper . 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of wild-caught, sustainable seafood—delivered right to your door. ➡︎https://www.wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Protect your eyes and skin against harmful blue light effects with Marine Glo. Get 20% off your first order and free shipping by using checkout code PILLOW ➡︎https://naturessunshine.com 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Give the gift of comfort that lasts beyond the holidays. “This weekend only! From Thanksgiving Day through Cyber Monday, get 40% off with code PILLOWTALKS. It’s the best deal of the year! ➡︎https://cozyearth.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Nov 20

What if the biggest barrier to intimacy in your relationship isn’t stress, exhaustion, or mismatched libidos… but your phone ? In this week’s episode, we’re trying something that might feel a little controversial (and honestly, uncomfortable): no screens before sex. Yep — for seven days, we challenged ourselves to put down the devices before any kind of intimacy, whether that meant sex, cuddling, or even a deep conversation. And let’s just say… it revealed a lot about how much tech gets in the way of connection. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The surprising ways phone use impacts intimacy (and resentment) What couples told us about their biggest “phone fights” Our rules for a 7-day tech detox (and how to adapt if you have kids) What happened when we actually followed them How to create healthier phone boundaries — without starting a fight If you’ve ever caught yourself scrolling mid-conversation or noticed your partner reaching for their phone after sex, this one’s for you. Because here’s the truth: your relationship with your phone might be hurting your relationship with each other way more than you think. Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Nov 13

This week we’re bringing back one of our favorite games, Tie-Breakers! You sent in the recurring arguments that pop up again and again in your relationship — the ones that never seem to die no matter how many times you talk about them — and now we’re stepping in to make the final call. From sharing phone passwords to whether it’s really that big of a deal to be 5–10 minutes late, we’re tackling the everyday debates that drive couples just a little bit nuts. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The difference between boundaries and control especially when it comes to what your partner wears. Why couples fight about tiny habits (like dishes or unpacking) and what those arguments really mean. How to handle when one partner wants more privacy and the other wants full transparency. What your “clean-up style” says about how you handle responsibility in bed and in life. The psychology behind “small stuff” fights and how to stop them from snowballing. Plus, the ultimate showdown on period sex, post-oral kissing, and who should drive. 😏 If you and your partner love to debate, this one’s for you — equal parts funny, spicy, and “oh my god, that’s us.” Go deeper Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper . 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys 💞 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Use the code PILLOW at check out to get 20% off your first order plus free shipping ➡︎https://www.naturessunshine.com 👏Thanks Chewy. Send your pet’s wish to and it might become a reality. Plus, your wish means Chewy will donate 5 meals to pets in need. ➡︎https://Chewy.com/ChewyClaus 👏Thanks HungryRoot. For a limited time, use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. ➡︎http://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Nov 6

Whether you’ve been with us from the start or just found the podcast, this episode is basically a cheat sheet for a better sex life. We pulled together the best of the best from hundreds of episodes — the tips, tools, and “aha” moments that have completely transformed our community’s sex lives. From the rule that saved our date nights to the mindset shifts that made intimacy feel easy again, we’re revisiting the advice that started it all. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why the “F*** First Rule” might be the simplest way to rekindle connection. What the Bristle Reaction really means and how to retrain your body to want touch again. How to figure out your desire type (and why that might finally solve your mismatched libido issue). The sneaky reason your sex life might feel “meh” and how to make it worth craving again. Honorable mentions like the First Pancake Rule , scheduling sex, and other hot takes we might just turn into full episodes soon. 👀 If you’ve ever thought, “Where do I even start?” when it comes to improving your sex life… start here. Go deeper 💞 Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper . 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! TIMESTAMPS 00:00 - Intro 04:05 F*ck First Rule 18:42 Bristle Reaction 26:03 We make out every night 32:42 Two Types of Desire 40:15 Emotional Physical Conundrum 50:00 Mushy Broccoli Problem ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS to get up to 20% off.And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. ➡︎https://blissy.com/pillowpod 👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://oneskin.co/HAIR Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oct 30

This week’s episode is a little spooky , a little silly , and a whole lot of sexy. Since Halloween is tomorrow, we’re bringing you a “Trick or Treat: Smash or Pass” edition of Pillow Talks. We’re running through a list of playful, sometimes weird, and definitely conversation-starting ideas for you and your partner to try in the bedroom (or… maybe not). From holding water in your mouth during a BJ to wrapping your partner up like a mummy to switching positions every 60 seconds like it’s a HIIT workout… nothing is off-limits in this one. Some ideas are pure gold, some are questionable at best , and a few? Let’s just say they’re better left in the graveyard of “good intentions.” 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The spookiest sex trends we’ve ever been dared to try Which ones are worth a “smash” and which deserve a hard “pass” Why experimentation keeps things exciting — even if it’s a total fail How to decide what’s a hard pass vs. worth a try Why laughter and curiosity are the sexiest ingredients of all A few ideas that might just become your new Halloween tradition If your sex life could use a little more fun (and a few more giggles), this one’s your invitation to play. 🔥 Ready to learn new moves that actually work? Skip the spooky stuff and get straight to the good stuff inside The Ultimate Sex Guide, our fan-favorite resource that’ll help you feel confident, connected, and completely in control in the bedroom. You’ll get: Expert-backed techniques for better pleasure (solo and together) Real-life tips to improve communication and confidence Step-by-step guides to explore what really turns you on 👉 Grab The Ultimate Sex Guide and unlock your hottest tricks yet! http://vmtherapy.com/ultimate 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly emails with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and a few good laughs → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods. ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎ https://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS to get up to 20% off. And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎ https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Masterclass. Our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership. ➡︎ https://masterclass.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices