Negotiation Skills for Women Leaders: Lessons from a Former Scotland Negotiator

Master Tactical Empathy and Emotional Intelligence Techniques That Transform Negotiation Skills for Women Leaders Into Collaborative SuccessDo you avoid difficult conversations at work? Does the word "negotiation" make you uncomfortable? You're not alone. Research from Cornell University reveals that many women would rather go to the dentist than negotiate for themselves—yet negotiation is one of the most critical leadership skills you must master to advance your career.Here's the surprising truth: Women leaders actually possess natural strengths that lead to superior negotiation outcomes. New 2025 research from Columbia Business School shows that women's relational negotiation approaches result in 23% fewer impasses and often achieve better deals than aggressive tactics—especially when alternatives are weak.In this groundbreaking episode of the Women's Leadership Success podcast, I sit down with Scott Walker, who spent 5 years at Scotland Yard supporting families whose loved ones had been kidnapped and helped secure their release. Now a keynote speaker and author of the Sunday Times bestseller "Order Out of Chaos," Scott reveals how the same techniques he used to save lives can transform how women leaders navigate workplace negotiations, difficult conversations, and high-stakes decisions.What Is Negotiation Really? (It's Not What You Think) Negotiation Skills for Women Leaders - Reframing Negotiation as a Conversation With Purpose"Life is one big negotiation," Scott explains. "We're negotiating all day, every day. It's simply a conversation with a purpose—whether you're dealing with kidnappers in a boardroom or with your teenagers who just do not want to do what you want them to do."Most women run from negotiation because they've been taught it's:- Aggressive and confrontational- A sleazy sales tactic- A win-lose battle where someone gets hurt- Incompatible with creating equity in relationshipsBut this outdated view keeps talented women leaders from asking for what they deserve and advocating effectively for their teams.The New Definition of Negotiation for Women Leaders:Negotiation is any conversation where you're looking to:- Influence or persuade others- Bring about cooperation or collaboration- Achieve a specific outcome- Solve a shared problem- Build understanding across different perspectivesWhen you reframe negotiation this way, it becomes less about combat and more about connection—which aligns perfectly with women's documented strengths in relational communication.Why Women's Negotiation Skills Are Actually Superior in Leadership RolesContrary to persistent myths, recent research reveals that women's negotiation approaches often produce better results:Columbia Business School (September 2025): Women negotiators who use relational strategies achieve better outcomes than those using aggressive tactics, particularly when negotiating from positions with weak alternatives. Their approach of "asking for less but receiving more" avoids impasses that derail deals.Darden Business School (2025): Women who secure leadership positions typically use "shaping strategies"—proposing creative solutions that go beyond the immediate scope of negotiation to create value for both parties. This approach generates better long-term outcomes than traditional positional bargaining.Harvard Program on Negotiation (2025): While women still face backlash for negotiating assertively, those who frame their asks around mutual benefit and relationship preservation achieve similar or better outcomes than aggressive negotiators.The bottom line? Your natural inclination toward relationship-building and creative problem-solving isn't a weakness in negotiation—it's a strategic advantage.Scott Walker's Background: From Scotland Yard to Business Boardrooms The Making of a Master NegotiatorScott Walker spent 16 years as a career detective at Scotland Yard, dealing with organized crime and counter-terrorism investigations. But the turning point came when a colleague returned from three days negotiating the release of a kidnapped child from a drug gang."I was drowning in paper cuts from all the crime reports I had to supervise," Scott recalls. "When I heard about what my colleague was doing, I thought, 'I want some of that.'"After completing the rigorous selection process and training, Scott spent five years as a kidnap negotiator:- Receiving calls at 2 AM to race across London- Sitting with terrified families receiving calls from kidnappers- Working with his team to secure hostage releases- Negotiating in life-or-death situations where every word matteredAfter leaving law enforcement, Scott spent another decade doing kidnap negotiation work in the private sector across every industry and continent imaginable.The Universal Negotiation Principles That Apply to Business Leadership and Your Career DevelopmentWhat Scott discovered through thousands of hours negotiating with criminals is that the same principles apply to everyday business situations:?Emotional management is everything – Whether facing a kidnapper or a hostile board member, your ability to manage your own emotions determines your effectiveness?Listening reveals hidden motivations – The presenting demand is rarely the real issue; deep listening uncovers what people truly need? Questions are more powerful than statements – Asking thoughtful questions creates influence; making statements creates resistance? Preparation prevents emotional hijacking – Anticipating obstacles keeps you centered when conversations get difficult? Tactical empathy builds trust – Understanding someone's perspective doesn't mean agreeing with it, but it creates the foundation for influenceThese principles form the core of negotiation skills for women leaders who want to advance without compromising their values or authentic leadership style. The Emotional Hijack: Why Smart Leaders Make Terrible Decisions Understanding Your Brain Under Pressure One of my executive coaching clients faces a recurring challenge: When someone accuses him of something or doesn't listen to him, he gets angry. As you can imagine, this doesn't work well in leadership positions.Scott immediately recognized this pattern: "We can all empathize with that. It's emotional hijack—the amygdala, that tiny part of our brain hardwired to fight or flee. When our hot buttons are pressed, we get hijacked. That's when we say something we later regret or hit send on an email and think, 'Where's the recall button?' But it's too late."Scott's Own Negotiation Disaster (And What He Learned)Even expert negotiators aren't immune to emotional hijacking. Scott shares his humbling experience on his very first kidnapping case:"I nearly had the shortest career as a negotiator. I'm advising this family whose son had been taken hostage, and they're just not listening to me. I'm full of enthusiasm and ego and testosterone—I'm the savior! And I just blew up at them."His supervisor immediately pulled him out of the room with feedback that changed his career: "Scott, your job is not to tell people what to do. Your job is to seek first to understand them and where they're coming from, and then you can look to influence them." The Behavioral Change Indicators (BCI) MethodScott teaches a practical framework for recognizing when someone—including yourself—is heading toward emotional hijacking:Physical Behavioral Change Indicators:- Facial expressions shifting (jaw clenching, brow furrowing)- Body posture changing (crossing arms, leaning back, leaning forward aggressively)- Breathing patterns altering (rapid, shallow breaths)- Voice characteristics shifting (tone, pitch, volume, speed)- Physical tension increasing (fist clenching, fidgeting)Verbal Behavioral Change Indicators:- Vocabulary changes (suddenly using harsh or absolute language)- Topic shifting (avoiding or obsessing over specific subjects)- Repetition patterns (saying the same thing multiple times)- Question patterns (asking more or fewer questions)- Silence (withdrawing from conversation entirely) The Power of Observation:"If you can spot these behavioral change indicators in yourself or others, you can intervene before the emotional hijack takes over completely," Scott explains. "It's like seeing the train coming down the track—you still have time to step off the rails." Practical Exercise: Building Your Emotional IntelligenceWant to sharpen your ability to read emotions? Scott shares a brilliant practice technique I love recommending to my coaching clients:The Silent TV Exercise:Turn on a TV show or movie with the sound completely offWatch the actors' facial expressions and body languageTry to identify what emotions they're experiencing (angry, jealous, sad, excited)Turn the sound back on to see if you were correctPractice this regularly to build your emotional reading skills"Most people would get it right," Scott notes, "because we're hardwired to negotiate, influence, and persuade. We just need to bring intentionality to it."You can also practice in daily life with lower-stakes situations: "It looks like you're feeling sad right now—is that accurate?" Whether they confirm or correct you, you're building the muscle memory for the high-stakes conversations.The Power of Listening: Moving Beyond the Presenting Issue Why Most Leaders Are Terrible Listeners (And Don't Realize It)"Most of us think we're the world's best listeners," Scott admits with a laugh. "But I'm guilty of just going through the motions sometimes. And I've also been on the receiving end when I know the person in front of me is thinking about a million other things than what I'm actually saying—and it's infuriating."Here's a truth bomb every woman leader needs to hear: You cannot influence someone unless you already know what influences them. Trying to persuade without understanding is the height of arrogance and rarely succeeds long-term.