My Addict Partner was Doing Well in Recovery. Then the Lies Started Again. I’m Shattered! How do I Come Back from This?!

In this Episode 237, Mark and Steve get passionate in responding to the heart-felt submission by a PBSE listener. Here's what she shared— In My partners and I are now 12 months into our journey and I have been doing really well for the most part. I had been feeling like I was really getting on top of my betrayal and processing everything that happened. I felt as though my partner was also doing well, we had been communicating well and he had stopped masturbating and looking at porn and speaking to other women. It felt like my partner and I were really coming back to a place where I could trust him again. That was, up until yesterday..... We had our second polygraph test to verify the last 12 months and he failed. He sat in the room with the therapist and I and said over and over again that he had nothing to hide and that the test was wrong. Eventually he let the lies come out. Non disclosures, contacting an ex partner on one occasion, looking up ex partners online. I won't go into every detail and I will admit that compared to the initial betrayal these things are small in comparison, but why do they feel so BIG to me? I feel like the wound I had been so close to healing has been ripped wide open again and all the pain from the initial betrayal is as raw as it was in the beginning. I know that these things are 'slips' and not a full relapse but it hurts the same as if it was. To make it worse my partner has now decided that he doesn't trust our current therapist and is seeking another therapist who doesn't specialize in addiction of any kind. I feel lost, scared and completely shattered. I feel like I'm back to square one. How do I come back from this? How do I get past the lies? First, our hearts go out to all of the Betrayed Partners listening—just when you dare to hope again; just when you start to risk vulnerability; just when some deposits have been made to the trust account—BAM! The scabs get ripped off–all the TRAUMA RETURNS! The crazy hard side of “complex trauma” There is a reality that “recovery is a trajectory” but how in the world does a betrayed partner deal with that?! And how does that not become an excuse for the addict? WHY does an addict in recovery choose to behave this way? What is the “lying” REALLY about? We’ve been talking about this in D2C—Personal Boundaries and consequences/outcomes that the addict PLACES ON HIMSELF based on HIS OWN WANTS, NEEDS AND ESPECIALLY THE VISION OF HIS AUTHENTIC, HIGHER SELF! As long as the addict chooses to stay in a defensive/reactive place, he will keep falling back into old habits like lying. Yes, real recovery is NOT an event–it is a “trajectory” BUT— His addict brain will latch onto this and use it as an excuse to “stay put” What does “trajectory” mean? What are the crucial steps/tools to use when a slip or relapse takes place??? Feeling like you’re at “square one” is SO understandable, but NOT accurate! “How do I come back from this” is replaced with “How do I move forward?” Again, from D2C—What do “boundaries with consequences/outcomes” look like? Cleary identify your individual wants and needs (authentic self) and clearly voice them to your addict partner Clearly identify and voice the boundaries that protect your authentic self, wants and needs Match up to your wants, needs and boundaries consequences/outcomes designed to GET YOU BACK TO YOUR AUTHENTICITY Hopefully the addict in recovery is doing the very same process on HIS SIDE Then and ONLY then, can you come together as a couple to collaborate on your “joint vision.” Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at— daretoconnectnow.com