After Our Long Addiction and Betrayal History, We Now Live Like “Married Singles.” How Can We Get the “Chemistry & Spark” Back?

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a "couple's issue" that is unfortunately all-too-common: In the wake of addiction and betrayal trauma, the relationship grows stale, becomes ambivalent and indifferent—it feels like the spark and chemistry are very low or even gone. Here's how one PBSE listener describes this situation— As a betrayed partner (married 30+ yrs), my concern now is that since my partner has demonstrated first order change I cannot seem to establish a cohesive bond & I don’t feel the chemistry or connection to him as I once did. Sex went away 7 yrs ago when he had relapsed and we went through many separations/ disclosures/ therapy. Now we live “parallel lives”(under the same roof) trying our best not to violate reasonable boundaries. We have common interests, no resentments, but no chemistry or spark. I accept him for who he is & I appreciate him as a friend and father of our grown children and we both have separate careers. I want to move on (which I have brought up many occasions) however he is very opposed to the idea which I believe is tied to his very strict religious upbringing. I am seeking your perspective on partners who like me have worked through the tougher parts and are ready to say “it is finished.” My partner creates such a guilt trip for even entertaining the idea of a permanent separation. I sense I may be on my own in this endeavor which again is a traumatic place to be. He runs two groups for men in sex addiction and I work with addicts & partners ironically. Thanks in advance for all you guys are doing and for such an incredible podcast. PS: We are not at the divorce juncture (or maybe me more than him) but the point of my question was to address the “ambivalence” that a partner feels and to get some validation. Wish you both a very warm and wonderful holiday. Mark and Steve talk raw and real about HOW to get the "chemistry and spark back" after years or decades of addiction and betrayal trauma. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit— daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services