Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

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How do you know if you're addicted to porn? Instead of addiction language, some mental health specialists use the term Problematic Porn Use to discuss this. The heart of it is the same, however: How do I stop watching porn? (and why is it so freakin' hard to stop using porn??) Here we delve into the topic, but not from a shame-based point of view. Instead we look at the underlying needs that are met by porn use -- and how to move beyond it. The truth is that this is a complex and intricate subject. It's not as simple or easy as "just stop" -- and whether it's an outside force or your own inner critic saying this, it's simply not helpful (and often damaging). As with many things in life, the truth is, as Jason puts it: “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.” --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: Dear Men 358: Do you trust men? Dear Men 262: Are you lonely? --- Memorable quotes: “When we don’t know how to share what’s inside of us, most men will default to is ejaculating it out.” “Porn is a subset of the attention-hijacking we’re all in the middle of right now.” “It was very disempowering to feel like I didn’t have control.” “You get exactly what you want and you can’t be rejected.” “As our system gets larger, we don’t need certain crutches anymore.” “I hit a certain level of stress, and my body does this.” “I changed my life so I wasn’t hitting that trigger switch.” “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.”

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ATTRIBUTION NOTE: This is NOT an original episode. This is a complete episode of The Ezra Klein Show that I'm posting here, with a note from me at the beginning. Original episode can be found here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-relationships-would-you-want-if-you-believed-they/id1548604447?i=1000644331040 What follows is my own reasons for posting this: --- We are at a crossroads in our cultures and societies worldwide. In many places, social networks are in tatters. Mental health is abysmal in spots without tight-knit communities -- which, let's face it, is a growing number of places. The nuclear family paradigm has dominated over the past 50-75 years, but does it work? Evidence suggests otherwise. Single adults living alone are so lonely they often experience significant anxiety & depression. Parents are stressed and overwhelmed, with children taking up so much energy and attention that it's hard to connect as a couple (including sex! and other kinds of intimacy). And older adults are either aging alone, or in environments that sap their vitality. Studies show that trends around social isolation hit men particularly hard. According to Gallup , for example, "[Young men in the US] are significantly more likely than their female peers to experience deaths of despair." And: "Americans who experience daily loneliness are significantly less likely to report smiling or laughing ... They are also half as likely to be classified as 'thriving' in life." Let's review that: Lonely people are HALF as likely to be classified as thriving. And what happens when you're not thriving? You're almost always not having great sex, wonderful intimate relationships, or a satisfying love life. So what do we do about this? How do we "fix" the loneliness epidemic? This is the first episode in a series that I will be doing on creative solutions and innovative ideas around not just how we think about relationships, but how we think about living. I don't mean that metaphorically, either; I mean our literal living environments. We've lived separately for too long. I believe it's time to bring the generations back together in meaningful ways, and have more FUN at home. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen

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Why do you need to know about this? --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Memorable quotes: “It’s a journey of healing; it’s a journey of growth; it’s a journey of restoration.” “Everyone ends up better … in so many different ways.” “Life truly is better with a foreskin!” “It’s a wonderful sense of wellbeing.” “The glans is an internal organ — it’s not designed to be exposed to nature, and when it is exposed 24/7, it has to protect itself.” “Some people report having whole-body orgasms!” “Once you have the foreskin, during intercourse that foreskin goes back and forth across the head of the penis and it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. There’s no more working so hard to get to orgasm.” “It turns intercourse into beauty.” “There are no surgical options because the skin on the penis is unique.” “There’s more sensitivity, so you’re not straining and working hard to get to orgasm.” “It really doesn’t take very much tension to do this.” “Every millimeter of skin you grow is going to bring you relief.” “It doesn’t matter what level you’re starting from; the benefits start accruing from the moment you reach down and start gently tugging.” “‘Welcome to the community and to your restoration journey.’” “When I told my urologist I was restoring my foreskin, I got this blank look.” “There is a way to fix this.” --- Mentioned on this episode: DM 384: What's the impact of circumcision on a man? (ft. Michael Smith, Intactivist Educator)

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Have you ever felt stuck in a love relationship that wasn't working? Maybe you were straining and striving to make it work. Maybe you felt like it was all on your shoulders -- all your responsibility to "fix" it. Or maybe you were afraid of what would happen if it went away. Would she make it? Would you? There are concrete reasons why it's hard for men in particular to let go of romantic relationships (whether marriages or other long-term committed relationships) that are no longer fulfilling. Here we delve into 8 specific reasons why it's hard for men to answer questions like: "Why do I feel so stuck in my marriage?" "How do I fix my marriage?" "What do I do if I'm unhappy but feel obligated to stay?" "What can I do to make my marriage better?" "How do I get my wife to want me again?" --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: DM 377: How do you overcome the fear of being alone? DM 144: Are you staying together for the kids? My streaming sex course! Please Her In Bed: www.pleaseherinbed.com --- Memorable quotes from this episode: “Often relationships that are hard to get out of have some element of codependence.” “What happens if I leave her? How will she survive?” “What if I break up with her and she’s mad at me?” “If the relationship fails, I fail.” “Maybe this is the best I’m ever going to get, and if I leave it, I’ll regret it.” “There’s a type of safety there, and not having to confront the fear of being alone.” “It’s really about not excluding oneself.” “If I don’t believe I’m worth it, I’m not going to ask for it.” “Other men are dangerous so the only safe place is your feminine partner.” “A relationship doesn’t have to last forever to be successful!” “I was living on scraps before, and I didn’t even realize it.” “This would have been impossible for me to do without my men’s group.” “As you let go into community, you can discover yourself in a totally different way.”

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How many hundreds of miles would you travel for great sex? Some of the hottest sexual experiences are some of the least-expected. Sometimes that has to do with location, and sometimes it has to do with ropes and corsets. Often it involves anticipation, and it's frequently NOT about what you think (i.e. perfect "performance"). Here, four of us women friends bring you behind the curtain when it comes to the best sex we've ever had. Some of what we say may surprise you! And some may be things you've always wondered about. Included topics: going down on her, blow jobs for him, domination play, and jumping off (this is not what you think but definitely worth hearing about!). When it comes to dating and relationships, stand-out sex is a big part of it -- but what that looks like is sometimes unanticipated. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: My streaming sex course! Please Her In Bed: www.pleaseherinbed.com --- Memorable quotes from this episode: "He had me blindfolded so he was like, 'I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to do all the work.'" ;) "You know when you meet up with an ex and it's like, 'Do we or don't we?'" "He was very curious and made sure to know what I liked and what I didn't like."

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Most men we work with long to be trusted. They yearn to satisfy their partners on every level: physically, emotionally, and sexually. Above all, they want their woman partners to feel safe with them . The fact is, those two things are inextricably linked: If you want a woman to feel safe with you, she needs to trust you. Yet we still live in a world where a lot of women feel unsafe with a lot of men. So what does it take to be deeply trustable? Here, we each reveal what it takes for a man to be trusted by us on a personal level. We share intimate stories of times we interacted with an un-trustable man (and what made him un-trustable), as well as the times we felt deep trust, safety, and connection. Want a woman to fully surrender to you? Listen on -- whether you're newly dating, long-married, or in any other kind of love relationship, you're sure to get something out of this vulnerable, raw discussion of love, safety, trust, intimacy, and sexuality. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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When you've got kids with someone, you need to be able to cooperate. But what do you do if your ex is emotionally unstable/volatile, physically or emotionally abusive, or otherwise difficult? Most partners don't start out that way, of course. As one man put it, it felt more like "the ground could be kind of unstable" in the relationship. Another said, "I was hyper-aware of her emotions all the time, and trying to minimize her upheaval." Maybe the two of you have even tried seeing a couple's counselor. But it didn't work -- or in some cases, even seemed to make things worse. Says one man, "Even in therapy, a lot of it was, ‘You’re the cause of this.’" Here, three men share their personal experiences of co-parenting with challenging partners -- women who often have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). They go into what it was like being in the relationship, the progression from being a childless couple to having children together, and then the journey out. They share both practical and emotional tips about co-parenting, and offer what they've learned along the way. If you're in this situation, may this help to light the way. Memorable quotes: “She said things like, ‘You have ruined my life, and caused me more trauma.’” “It’s hard to see that stuff when you’re in it.” “In reality, we just had wounds that sort of fit well together at the time.” “I told myself I had a loyalty to her.” “I had so much fear of, 'What’s gonna happen if I actually follow through?'” “At some point I didn’t feel safe; I felt threatened.” “What made things better for everyone, including my ex, was strong, healthy boundaries.” --- Mentioned on this episode: Dear Men 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange) Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder , by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger Book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, PhD Book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger, et al Book: Parallel Parenting -- The Only Way to Co-parent with a Narcissist: Managing a Counter Parent, Setting Boundaries, and Protecting Your Child From Parental Alienation by Wendy Carter Article: 25 Fictional Characters People With Borderline Personality Disorder Relate To ( https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-fictional-characters/ )

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Some experts estimate that ~15% of marriages are sexless, while others put the number as high as 33% ("sexless relationship" defined as a couple having sex 10 times a year or fewer). That's a lot of people. Now let's talk about the stakes: Does a sexless marriage generally mean a less fulfilling one? In a word, yes. According to researcher and associate professor Denis Donnelly in the New York Times, "Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being." Plus, her research showed that folks in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active ones. So what do you do if you're in this position? How do you handle being in a sexless relationship or sexless marriage? Can you bring the sex back in -- repolarize the relationship? Here, we work on answering questions like: "How do I bring up sex with my wife?" -- in Jason's words, “A lot of guys don’t know where to start because they don’t know where it’s coming from.” And, "What do I do if my wife doesn't want to have sex with me?" -- or how to handle the sense that when she does, it's more of her feeling like "this is a thing I have to do for you to get you off my back." It's a tender, vulnerable, and important subject. Let's dive in. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here . Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Memorable quotes: “It’s not just about the frequency of sex.” “My wife does give me her body, but that’s it. It’s a duty.” “For guys, the experience is, ‘Well, why don’t I just use a sex doll?’” “Men just shut down and become resentful.” “Sex is really just a form of communication.” “‘I want to feel her wanting me, wanting sex.’” “The more sex we’re having, the more sex we want to have.” “Sex is deeply entwined with our ability to open and feel connected.” --- Mentioned on this episode: DM 1: What if sex hurts for her? (her insider view on being closed off sexually) DM 196: The "invisible" relationship pattern that can impact everything (emotional neglect) DM 250: How do you re-polarize a relationship? DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex? --- To book a call with me to discuss Sexual Mastery, go to melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery