What Keeps Us Going (With Shaun Flores) | Ep. 361

When things get hard, it's really quite difficult to find a reason to keep going. Today, we have an incredible guest, Shaun Flores , talking about what keeps us going. This was a complete impromptu conversation. We had come on to record a podcast on a completely different topic. However, quickly after getting chatting, it became so apparent that this was the conversation we both desperately wanted to have. And so, we jumped in and talked about what it's like in the moments when things are really difficult, when we're feeling like giving up, we are hopeless, we're not sure what the next step is. We wanted to talk about what does keep us going. This is, again, a conversation that was very raw. We both talked about our own struggles with finding meaning, moving forward, and struggling with what keeps us going. I hope you find it as beautiful a conversation as I did. My heart was full for days after recording this, and I'm so honored that Sean came on and was so vulnerable and talked so beautifully about the process of finding a point and finding a reason to keep going. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did. Shaun: Thank you so much for being able to have this conversation. Kimberley: Can you tell us just a little background on you and what your personal, just general mental health journey has looked like? Shaun: Yeah. My own journey of mental health has been a tumultuous one, to say the very least. For around five to six years ago, I would say I was living with really bad health anxiety to the point where I obsessed. I constantly had an STI or an STD. I'd go to the clinic backward and forward, get tested to make sure I didn't have anything. But the results never proved to be in any way, shape, or form sufficient enough for me to be like, "Okay, cool. I don't have anything." I kept going back and forward. How I knew that became the worst possible thing. I paid 300 pounds for the same-day test results. Just to give people's perspective, 300 pounds is a lot. That's when I was like, "There's something wrong. I just don't know what it is." But in some ways, I thought I was being a diligent citizen in society, doing what I needed to do to make sure I take care of myself and to practice what was safe sex. But then that fear migrated onto this sudden overnight change where I woke up and I thought, "What if I was gay?" overnight. I just quite literally woke up. I had a dream of a white guy in boxes, and I woke up with the most irrational thought that I had suddenly become gay. I felt my identity had come collapsing. I felt everything in my world had shaken overnight. I threw up in the toilet that morning, and at that time I was in the modeling industry. Looking back now, I was going through disordered eating, and I'm very careful with using the word "eating disorder." That's why I call it "disordered eating." I was never formally diagnosed, but I used to starve myself. I took diuretics to maintain a certain cheekbone structure. Because in the industry that I was in, I was comparing myself to a lot of the young men that were there, believing that I needed to look a certain kind of way. When I look back at my photos now, I was very gaunt-looking. I was being positively affirmed by all the people around me. I hated how round my face was. If I woke up in the morning and my face was round, I would drink about four liters of water with cleavers tincture. I took dandelion extracts. Those are some of the things that I took to drain my lymphatic system. I went on this quest for a model face. And then eventually, I left the industry because it just wasn't healthy for me in any way, shape, or form. I was still living with this fear that I was gay. If I went to the sauna and steam room in the gym, I would just obsess 24/7 that if I could notice the guy's got a good-looking body, or if he's good-looking, this meant I'm gay. It was just constant, 24/7. From the minute I slept to the minute I woke up, it was always there. Then that fear moved on to sexual assault. I had a really big panic attack where I was terrified. I asked one of my friends, "Are you sure I haven't done anything? Are you sure I haven't done anything?" I kept asking her over and over. I screamed at her to leave because I was so scared. I must've been hearing voices, and I was terrified that I could potentially hurt her. I tried to go to sleep that night, and there were suicide images in my head, blood, and I was like, "There's something up." I just didn't know what was going on. I had no scooby, nothing. That night, I went to the hospital, and the mental health team said that they probably would suggest I get therapy. I said, "It's cool. I'll go and find my own therapist." I started therapy, and the therapy made me a hundred times worse. I was doing talk therapy. We were trying to get to the root of all my thoughts. We were trying to figure out my childhood. Don't get me wrong, there's relevance to that. By that time, it was not what I needed. And then last year, this is when everything was happening in regards to the breakdown that I had as well. I got to such a bad point with my mental health that I no longer wanted to be alive. I wanted time to swallow me up. I couldn't understand the thoughts I was having. I was out in front of my friends, and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I believed I was suicidal right off the bat. I got into an Uber, called all my friends, and just told them I'm depressed and I no longer want to be alive. I'm the kind of guy in the friendship group everyone looks up to, almost in some ways, as a leader, so people didn't really know what to do. That's me saying as a self-elected leader. That's me being reflective about my friendship group. But I woke up one day, and it was a Saturday, the 4th of June, and I just said, "I can't do this anymore." I said, "I can't do this." I was prepared to probably take my life, potentially. I reached out to hundreds of people via Instagram, LinkedIn, WhatsApp, email, wherever it was, begging for help because I looked on the internet and was trying to figure out what was it that was going on with me. I was like, "Why am I having certain thoughts, but I don't want to act on them?" And OCD popped up, so I believed I had OCD . When I found this lady called Emma Garrick (The Anxiety Whisperer) on Saturday, the 4th of June, I just pleaded with her for a phone call. She picked up the phone, and I just burst out in tears. I said, "What's wrong with me?" I said, "I don't want to hurt anyone. Why am I having the thoughts I'm having?" And she said, "Shaun, you have OCD." From there on, my life changed dramatically. We began therapy on Monday. I would cry for about two hours in a session. I couldn't cope. I lost my job. There were so many different things that happened that year. In that same year, obviously, I had OCD. I tore my knee ligaments in my right knee. Then I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. Then my auntie died. Then my cousin was unfortunately murdered. Then my half-brother died. Then my auntie—it's one of my aunties that helped to raise me when my dad died on Christmas day when I was six—her cancer spread from the pancreas to the liver. Then fast-forward it to this year, about a couple of months ago, that same auntie, the cancer became terminal and spread from the liver to the spleen. I watched her die, and that was tough. Then I had my surgery on August the 14th. But I'm still paying my way through debt. It was an incredibly tough journey. I'm still doing the rehab for my knee, still doing the rehab for OCD. That's my journey. I'm still thinking about it to this day. Me and my therapist talk about this, and he has lived experience of OCD . I still don't even know what's kept me alive at this point, but that's the best way to describe my story. That's a shortened, more condensed version for people listening. Kimberley: Can I ask, what does keep you going? Shaun: What keeps me going? If I'm being very honest, I don't know sometimes. There are days when I've really struggled with darkness, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness sometimes. I ride it out. I try not to give in to those suicidal thoughts that pop up. And then I remember I've got a community that I've been able to create, a community that I'm able to help and inspire other people. I think I keep going on my worst days because the people around me need someone to keep inspiring them. What I mean by that is some of the messages I've got on the internet, some of them have made me cry. Some of them have made me absolutely break down from some people who have opened up to me and shared their entire story. They look up to me, and I'm just like, "Wow, I can't give up now. This isn't the end." I've had really dark moments, and I think a lot of people look at my story and perhaps look at my social media, and they think I'm healed and I've fully recovered. But my therapist has seen me at my worst, and they see me at my absolute best. I think I stay here. What keeps me pushing is to help other people, to give other people a chance, and to let them know that you can live a life with OCD, anxiety. Depression I'm not sure if I fully align with. Maybe to some degree, but to let them know they can live a life in spite of that. I don't know. Again, I keep saying this to my therapist. There's something in me that just refuses to quit. I don't know what it is. I can't put it into words sometimes. I don't know. Maybe it's to leave the world in a better place than I found it. I really do not know. Kimberley: I think I'm so intrigued. I'm so curious here. I think that this is such a conversation for everyone to have. I will tell you that it's interesting, Shaun, because I'm so grateful for you, number one, that we're having this conversation, and it's so raw. Somebody a few months ago asked me, what's the actual point of all this? It was her asking me to do a podcast on the point, what's the point of all this? I wrote it down and started scripting out some ideas, and I just couldn't do the episode because I don't know the answer either. I don't know what the point is. But I love this idea that we're talking about of what keeps us going when things are so hard. Because I said you're obviously resilient, and you're like, "No, that's not it." But you are. I mean, so clearly you are. It's one of your qualities. But I love this idea of what keeps you going. In the day, in the moment to moment, what goes through your mind that keeps you moving towards? You're obviously getting treatment; you're obviously trying to reduce compulsions, stop rumination, or whatever that might be. What does that sound like in your brain that keeps you going? Shaun: Before I answer that, I think I've realized what my answer would be for what keeps me going. I think it's hope because it makes me feel a bit emotional. When I was at my absolute worst, I had lost hope, lost everything. I lost my job. I end up in mountains of debt that I'm still paying off. It's to give hope to other people that your life can get better. I would say it has to be hope. In those day-to-day moments, one of my really close friends, Dave, has again seen me at my worst and my best. Those day-to-day moments are incredibly tough. I've had to learn to do things even when I don't want to do them. I've had to learn to eat when I don't always want to eat, to stick to the discipline, to stick to the process, to get out of bed, and to keep pushing that something has to change. These hard times cannot last forever. But those day-to-day moments can be incredibly tough when my themes change, when I mourn my old life with OCD in the sense that I never thought consciously about a lot of my decisions. Whereas now, I think a lot more about what I do, the impact I have on the world, and the repercussions of certain decisions that I make. I would say a lot of my day-to-day, those moment-to-moments, is a bit more trepidation. I think that would be the best way to describe my day-to-day moments. I was just going to say, I was even saying to my friend that I can't wait to do something as simple as saving money again. I'm trying to clear off everything to restart and just the simple things of being able to actually just save again, to be able to get into a stable job to prove to myself that I can get my life back. Kimberley: To me, the reason that I'm so, again, grateful that we're here talking about this is it really pulls on all of the themes that we get trained in in psychology in terms of taking one step at a time. They talk about this idea of grit, like you keep getting up even though you get knocked down. I don't think we talk about that enough. Also, the fact that most people who have OCD or a mental health issue are also handling financial stresses and, like you said, medical conditions, grief, and all of these things. You're living proof of these concepts and you're here telling us about them. How does that land for you? Or do you want to maybe speak to that a little more? Shaun: I was reading a book on grits. I was listening to it, and they were talking about how some people are just grittier than other people. Some people may not be as intelligent or may not be as "naturally gifted," but some people are grittier than other people. A lot of people who live with chronic conditions such as OCD or whatever else, you have to be gritty. That's probably a quality you really have to have every single day without realizing it. To speak to that, even on the days when I have really struggled, as I said, I don't know what always gets me up. There's something inside. I look around at the other people around me who've shown grit as well—other people around me who have worked through it. The therapist I have, he's a really good therapist. I listen to his story, Johnny Say, and he talks about something called gentle relentlessness, the idea that you just keep being relentless very gently. You know that one step-a-day kind of mentality that, "Okay, cool, I'm having these thoughts today. I'm going to show myself some compassion, but I'm going to keep moving." For me, when I speak to him, I tell him he inspires me massively because he's perfected and honed his skills so much of OCD that he's able to do the job that he does. He's able to help other people, and that inspires me. When I look at the other people around me, I'm inspired by other people's grit and perseverance as well. That really speaks to what I need to be able to have. I think it's modeled a lot for me. Even in my own personal life with my mom, there's a lot of things that we've gone through—my father, who died on Christmas Day when I was six—and she had to be gritty in her own way to raise a single boy in the UK when she was in a country she didn't want to be in because of my granddad. I think grit has been modeled for me. I think it really has been role-modeled for me in so many different ways. When people say, "Just get up and keep going," I think it's such a false notion that people really don't understand the complexity of human emotions and don't understand that, as humans, we go up and we go down. A very long time ago, I used to be that kind of human where I was like, "Just get out, man. Suck it up. Just keep going, bro. You can do this. You've got this." I think going through my own stuff has made me realize sometimes we don't always feel like we've got it. We have to follow the plan, not the mood sometimes. But I honestly have to say, I think grit has been role-modeled a lot for me. Kimberley: Yeah. It's funny, as you were talking, I was thinking too. I think so often—you talked about this idea of hope—we need to know that somebody else has achieved what we want to achieve. If we have that modeled to us, even if it's not the exact thing, that's another thing that keeps us going. You've got a mentor, you've got a therapist. Or for those of you who don't have a mentor or therapist, it might be listening to somebody on a podcast and being like, "Well, if they can do it, there has to be hope for me." I think sometimes if we haven't got those people in our lives, we maybe want to look for people to inspire and model grit and keep going for us, would you say? Shaun: Absolutely. Funnily enough, when I was going through depression as a compulsion , my friend sent me your podcast about depression as a compulsion . The idea is that you feel this depressive feeling, you start investigating it, trying to figure out if you're depressed, and then it becomes a compulsion. And then, after that compulsion happens, you stay in this spiral with depression or whatever it might be. That's something else I realized—that having your podcast and listening to talking about being kind, self-criticism, and self-compassion was role modeled a lot for me because, again, growing up, I didn't have self-compassion. It's not something we practice in the household or the culture I'm from. But having it role-modeled for me was so big. It is huge. I cannot even put into words how important it is to have people around you who still live with something you live with, and they keep going, because it almost reminds you that it's not time to give up. Sadly, I've lost friends to suicide. I found out that someone had died in 2021 at what I thought he had died. We met at a modeling agency when I was modeling. We met at the Black Lives Matter march as well, regardless of whatever your political opinions are for anyone listening. I found that he had died. I remember I messaged some of the friends we had in common. I was like, "What happened?" And nobody knew. A couple of weeks ago, I just typed in his name. Out of nowhere, I just typed, and I was like, "What happened to him?" I found that he had taken his life when he was in university halls. I was just like, "You really don't know what people are going through." Some people have messaged me and said what I talk about has kept them going. I'm just sitting there like, "Wow, other people have kept me going." I think that becomes a role-modeled community almost in some ways. Kimberley: For sure. It's funny you mention that. I too have lost some very close people to me from suicide. I think the role model thing goes both directions in that it can also be hard sometimes when people you really love and respect have lost their lives to suicide. I think that we do return to hope, though. I think for every part of me that's pained by the grief that I feel, hope fuels me back into, how can I help? Maybe I could save one person's life. Actually, sometimes helping just gets me through a hard day as well. I can totally resonate. I think you're right. There is a web of inspiration. You inspire somebody else. They inspire you. They've been inspired by somebody. It's like a ladder. Shaun: Absolutely. I once heard someone say, the best way to lose yourself is in the service of others. One of the things that really got me through depression when I was at the thickest of my OCD was when I said, "How am I going to go and serve other people? How am I going to go and help other people?" When I asked my first therapist, I said, "Why are you so kind to me? Why do you believe in me?" she told me something that really sat with me. She said, "I believe you're going to go on to help so many other people." When I released my first story on August the 14th, and I had so many people reach out to me that I knew, people I didn't know speaking about OCD, I was like, "This is where it begins. That in the suffering, there is hope. In the suffering, I can live. In the suffering, I can find purpose. In the suffering, I can use that to propel me out of pain." But you are right. This conversation has really made me think a lot about how I keep going, like how I've been able to just keep pushing because my friends are, again, around me. My therapist knows that there are days when I don't want to do my therapy. I've gone to my physiotherapist, and I've said, "You have no idea what I've gone through." I said, "I'm not feeling to do anything. I just want to give up right now." I said, "I'm tired of this." I said, "Why is life so hard on me?" Death is one thing. Physical injury is another thing. OCD is another thing. Chasing money is another thing. Everything is a constant uphill battle. It really has made me think a lot about life. It's made me think a lot about my friends who have opened up to me about their struggles. Very similar to you, Kimberley, I want to go on to, at some point, become a therapist and change people's lives. When people reach out to me, I would love to be able to say to someone, if someone said, "I can't afford a therapist," I'd be like, "Let me try and help you and see what I can do on my part." That kind of kindness or that kind of empathy, that kind of lived experience, that understanding—it's something I really want to give back to other people. It's hope. Hope is everything. Kimberley: Yeah. It's ever-changing, too. Some days you need one thing, and the next day you need others. For me, sometimes it's hope. Sometimes it's, like you said, day-to-day grit. Sometimes it's stubbornness, like I'm just straight-up stubborn. You know what I mean? Shaun: It's funny you say that. Kimberley: We can draw on any quality to get us through these hard things that keep us going. My husband always says too, and now that we're exploring it and I'm thinking about it, because you and I did not prepare for this, we are really just riffing here—my husband always says when I've had a really hard time, which in the moment sounds so silly and so insignificant, but it has also helped, amongst these other things, "Put on the calendar something you're really looking forward to and remind yourself of that thing you're going towards every day. It doesn't even have to be huge, but something that brings you joy, even if it's got nothing to do with the hard thing you're going through." I've also found that to be somewhat beneficial, even if it's a dinner with friends or a concert or an afternoon off to yourself, off work. That has also been really beneficial to me. Shaun: Yeah. Taking aim at things in the future can give you things to really look forward to. In the thickest of my OCD, I had nothing to look forward to sometimes. I remember I turned down modeling jobs because of my anxiety. The only thing I could look forward to was my therapist, and that was my silver lining in many, many ways. I remember I would say to her, "I've been waiting for this session the whole week. I've needed this." Another thing you touched on that I think made me laugh is stubbornness. There is a refusal. There's a refusal to lay down. For example, I make jokes about this. I go to the gym sometimes, and I'll say to the guys, "I've had a knee injury. Why are my legs bigger than yours?" That small little bit of fun and a little bit of gest, a bit of banter, as we would say. I'll go to them, and I'll be like, "I need to show these guys that my legs are still bigger than theirs and I've got an injury. I'm not supposed to be training legs." Just small things like that have really given me things to look forward to. Something as silly as male ego has been-- I say this to everyone—male, female, anyone. I'm like, "How dare I get sexy? How dare I be mentally unwell but still sexy?" There is an audacity to it. There's a temerity, a gumption, a goal. There is a stubbornness to go out there into the world and to really show people that, again, you can live with it. When I delivered my TEDx talk in 2022 at Sheffield Hallam University about masculinity, I remember a lady came up to me afterwards. This is when I was doing something called German Volume Training. It was heavy, very intense training. I put on a lot of muscle in that short space of time. She came up to me and said, "You do not look like a guy who suffered with his mental health at all." She said, "You look like the complete opposite." Because people have this idea that people who live with illness are—there's this archetype in people's heads—timid, maybe a bit unkempt. They don't look after themselves. It really said a lot to me that there really is no one image of how people look. Even where I live, unfortunately, there's a lady who screams at people. She shaves her hair. She just sits down there. A very long time ago, I would look at people and judge them. One thing I've really learned from living with illness has been we never know what's happened in people's lives that has pushed them to the place of where they are. There was also another older gentleman, and he smelt very strongly of urine and alcohol. I was on the train with him, and the train was packed. You could just see he was minding his own business. He had a bag on him, and clearly he had alcohol in it. There were two girls that were looking at him with such disgust, contempt, and disdain. It really got to me. It really irked me about the way people looked at him because, in my head, I'm like, "You don't know what that guy's gone through. You just have no idea what led him to become clearly an alcoholic. He probably is potentially homeless as well." I got off that train, and I just felt my views on things had really changed, really changed in life. Dealing with people just-- I don't know. I've gone off on a tangent, but it's just really sat with me in the sense of looking forward to things—how I look forward to how my views are evolving and how my views on life are changing. Kimberley: Yeah. I'm sort of taking from what you're saying. You bring up another way in which you keep going, which is humor, and I've heard a lot of people say that. A lot of people say humor gets me through the hardest times. You say you make jokes, and that, I think, is another way we can keep going. Shaun: Yeah, you are correct. When I go to the gym and I banter all the guys, I'm laughing at them, and typical male ego—that has really helped me on many, many occasions. Even people around me who we have sit down and we have a laugh. There's times when I quite honestly say to people, my life is a Hollywood movie at this point. I need a book. I need a series of unfortunate events, a trilogy, whatever it might be at this point, because it's almost as if it can't be real. Humor has been a propelling agent in me helping to get better, but it's also been an agent in everything that I do. My first therapist, Emma, said to me, "OCD leaves you with a really messed-up sense of humor because you've got to learn how to laugh at the thoughts. You've got to learn how to not take everything seriously." I have had some of the most ludicrous thoughts I could imagine. I told my friend, and she started cracking up at me. She started laughing. She's like, "Do you know how ludicrous this is?" And I said to her, "I know." Or, for example, again, at my absolute worst, I couldn't even watch MMA, UFC, or boxing because guys were half naked. I couldn't be around guys who were half naked because of how my sexual orientation OCD used to really play with my head. There were so many ridiculous situations. I would walk outside and I'd have a thought, "Kill the dog," and I'd be like, "Oh, well, this is bloody fantastic now, isn't it?" I've had images of all sorts in my head. I told my friend, and he started laughing. I was like, "Bro, why are you laughing?" But it made me laugh because it took the seriousness out of what was going on. It really did. Humor—it's been huge. It's funny how that can even maneuver into the concept of cancel culture because there was a comedian who has OCD, and he said, "When was being clean really a bad thing?" I know, obviously, we know the way people see OCD, but he drew light on the fact that he has quite severe OCD himself. He's using humor clearly to help him get better. But humor has been another thing. Humor, stubbornness, grit, resilience—all these things in my life experience have really helped me to still be here. I still say that as a guy who hasn't been paid this month from work. I'm on sick leave. I'm still trying to find ways to make money. I'm still trying to train to become a therapist. I'm applying for courses. I've applied for a hundred jobs within the National Health Service over here in the UK. That's just to put it into perspective. Again, as my therapist would say, a gentle relentlessness to keep pushing humor to find some of the joy and some of the sadness that happens. Kimberley: I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you have allowed us to go here today. I think this is the conversation that we needed to have today, both of us. My heart is so full. Can people hear more about where they can get in touch with you, hear more about you? You've talked so beautifully about the real hard times and what's gotten you through. Where might people get ahold of you? Shaun: I say to people, you can reach out to me on Instagram , TikTok, wherever you want. I say to people, just reach out, and please feel free to message me. I don't know whether this has happened to you, Kimberley. Some people reach out to me when they're really struggling with their OCD, and then some people I never hear from again. Some people don't turn up to phone calls. I think for a lot of people, there's a big fear that if they reach out to me, I'm going to hear something that I've never heard. I can honestly say to people, I've had every thought you could imagine. I've had the most ludicrous thoughts. I've had pretty much every single theme at this point. I really want, and I really encourage people to please reach out and have a conversation with me. You can find me anywhere on social media. Kimberley: I have so enjoyed this conversation. Are there any final statements you want to make to finish this off? Shaun: If you give up now, you'll never see what life would look like on the other side. That's the one thing I think I have to really say. Kimberley: It's amazing. Thank you.